"Everything is clearly now in hindsight. Twenty-twenty hindsight."

[fabulousfashionista]

Who: Austin Shaw and Beau Watson
What: Working on Closure
Where: Oncology Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this

When Liam was giving Austin the pep talk at the party about going to see Beau and why, after enough drinks to nearly trip down the stairs, he had a lot more balls than he did arriving at the hospital about to face the inevitable. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have gulped down two glasses of water and a large black coffee to try to sober up a bit before he got to the hospital. He had to get the cab to stop a block too soon when none of it wanted to stay down on top of however many New Year's appletinis he had been drowning his sorrows in. But at least that and the walk in the chilly winter air sobered him up a bit more before he got to the hospital.

Liam said that Beau was working the nightshift because he was monitoring Brandon closely with the Graft-versus-Host Disease, something Austin knew about because he researched everything about bone marrow transplants when Beau was sick again during their marriage. Apparently Beau and Brandon had the same type of leukemia but Beau's chance of getting GvHD was less because his brother had donated the marrow. Even still, Beau had been so sick, they nearly lost him. Austin really did know what Merlin was going through. A whole lot of terrifying crap you could barely think about because you thought every time you woke up, your husband wouldn't be breathing or every next conversation with a doctor, they would give a terminal diagnosis.

It was also why Austin knew the Oncology Unit almost as well as they knew their home at the time. As soon as he got there, he was having second, third, fiftieth thoughts. His stomach was churning more with nerves than from the booze he had. The only thing stopping him turning around and getting another cab back to where he was staying was knowing Liam would ask Beau if he came, so he would be sprung anyway.

He expected to have to ask a nurse or a clerk to see Beau when he got to the desk, but the world was going to completely shove him into the deep end. As soon as he walked into the unit, quiet and dim for night, Beau was sitting at the circular nurses station nursing a grande cup and laughing at something the nurse sitting with him was saying. Beau looked up when he realised someone was coming into the unit and Austin saw the exact moment the penny of shock dropped.

"I ran into Liam at the party..." he murmured, clearing his throat, glancing at the nurse with a rush of relief she wasn't male. It wasn't Zander, Beau's boyfriend.

Comments

[fabulousfashionista]

"Sexless, yes. Loveless, no. The latter was where I thought we were heading. I know how horrifically wrong I was about that. You were the one who taught me that intimacy doesn't mean sex. Intimacy without sex is often even better. Way often. If it's any consolation, I think I'd be terrified to have sex with you now anyway. HIV..." Austin pointed at himself and then to Beau. "Immune issues. Not that the option is there but my point is, I can survive without sex, I haven't slept with anyone since all this shit happened. I don't want to. Sex, and lack thereof, has caused me to make more mistakes than I can ever make up for. If I thought the outfits were sexy, I'd become a monk. The other stuff? Yes. I could've done it, if I wasn't such a fuckup and completely misread the signs. Now it's a moot point. How have you been, though? Overall, recently. Not since I rocked up. I know that fucked you up."

[halfwaytoheaven]

Beau closed his eyes and massaged his forehead slowly with his fingertips, as if that would somehow make this conversation easier. He was trying to figure out if he should open up more or still keep deflecting the hardest parts. He really wanted to be able to talk to Austin openly and get some sort of closure, whatever that looked like. "You shouldn't exile yourself like that. You've got no viral loads and there's PrEP. I wouldn't think twice about taking that for someone I loved, so don't let this be an indefinite punishment. Life's... it can be fucking terrible. It takes the 'shit happens' concept and mutates it into a fucking monster. No one's supposed to live a life of misery, because it could be game over at any moment. If there's ways to make it better, just freaking do it. That's what makes things like depression, mental illness, so fucking hard because no one wants to be miserable, you just can't get out of the darkness..." He sighed and put the coffee cup aside. "I'm tired most of the time. If I get sick, it hits me hard. I've had some worthy distractions. Working on Brandon's care team hasn't been easy but it's been rewarding that I can help him and know what he's going through. Other days, I feel like I want to chuck it all in and move away. I've been trying to make a relationship work but it's not. Which is okay. Zan knew he was a test drive."

[fabulousfashionista]

Austin didn't know what to say when Beau was just putting it out there that he would take PrEP if the situation was any different. It wasn't doing anything to help Austin get beyond this. Of course he knew all about PrEP. His doctors had given him the information for any potential partners but he hadn't planned on needing it. Now all he was thinking about was that Beau would, what that would mean. "That's the thing. Life is terrible and it's hard to find your footing again when you annihilating the world out from under yourself. I don't know how to be happy without you. With anyone but you. And I don't want to be. But that's my cross to bear, not yours." He wanted to reach over and hold Beau's hand but he had pulled his hands into the sleeves of his labcoat. Probably body language, trying to shield himself. Now he was just putting out there that his relationship wasn't working and before Austin could stop his stupid mouth, out was flying, "I'm still in love with you!"

[halfwaytoheaven]

Beau put his hands up over his face and his breath rushed out of him so deeply, his shoulders slumped. "Fuck, I knew you were going to say that. Now I feel like it's my turn to barf," he mumbled from behind his hands. He did. He had known since he ran into Austin that it was coming. He didn't even know how he knew but it was probably a mix of knowing Austin better than he knew himself and the fact their marriage had been really fucking good while it was working. He just tried to drown the worry out, bury his head in the sand and hope he was mistaken. He didn't want to hear it because it was too big and meant too much that he wasn't ready to deal with. But all of that, it didn't stop what Austin felt. Trying to block him saying what he felt was probably about as effective as putting a band-aid to stop the flow of Niagra Falls. His phone started buzzing in his pocket and he fished it out, checking the page. "I've got a stat on Brandon. I need to go check on him. Just stay here. I'll be back."

[fabulousfashionista]

Austin was hoping for a slightly better reaction but rationally, he knew there wasn't one. Or rather, the reaction was better than it could've been. This was Beau. He could've easily told him to go fuck himself. Laughed at him. Stormed out. Called him a jerk-off cunt and then told him to go fuck himself. It all would have been a valid response. He was shocked Beau knew but once he caught his breath, he wasn't surprised. Not really. Then Beau's pager was going off and - all things considered - it was a welcome relief because Austin didn't know what to say or do in that moment. He just nodded and watched Beau hurry from the room. After a moment of sitting there shellshocked, he shuffled to the edge of the bed and stood up, grabbing the IV pole. He went to stand in the doorway, hoping he didn't see any signs a patient was coding and in serious danger. Austin hoped like hell for Merlin that his husband was as lucky as his had been. He wished he could help. He wanted to offer to but he didn't want to piss Beau off trying to stick his nose in.

[halfwaytoheaven]

It was a little while before Beau exited Brandon's isolation room, peeling of puke-splattered PPE gown and shoving it into a contaminated waste bin, following by his gloves and mask. He went over to the nurses station and grabbed one of the tablets to update Brandon's notes, feeding back to the nightshift nurse allocated to Brandon. "Need a clean-up and bed change. Increase his antiemetics and if he doesn't feel much better and the vomiting persists, add the dolasetron. Take some bloods and get a fast-track from path. If his HG is low, hang a unit of blood and page me if there's any increase in vomiting or passing blood but I don't think there's any active internal bleeding. I think he's just getting used to solid foods again, had a bit too much, too soon. It's okay. All trial and error. I've ordered something to help him relax and sleep too. I think anxiety is exacerbating the nausea." He handed the tablet over to the nurse and when he turned around, he found Austin sitting just up the hall with his IV pole. With a sigh, he pumped some sanitizer into his palm from the dispenser on the desk and went over to sit beside him, rubbing his hands together. "You want to help. I get it. Merlin's been fighting this for many months now but I think he'd probably appreciate talking to someone who's been through what he has."

[fabulousfashionista]

"Can they get it controlled? The GvHD, I mean." Austin couldn't shed the fact he was nosey. Always had been. He loved gossip. Not that this was gossip. It was more concern than anything else, but curiosity about how Brandon was holding up when Beau got that page. There Beau was doing that thing where he figured out what he was thinking too. It should be unnerving, not comforting. For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel so lonely, even if things between him and Beau were still a complete mess. He was left hanging on his confession and he was terrified to mention it again. "I don't think it's my place. I don't know Merlin too well and I had a working relationship with Brandon. They're going through hell. That up and down shit, not knowing if he'll be okay from one minute to the next. It's lonely sometimes being stuck in that vortex where your other half is so sick, you don't want to lay any of your own emotional shit on them. At the same time, they want you to because they love you as much as you love them and they still want to take care of you, even if they can barely open their eyes without pain. Therapy never helped with any of that. I tried it. I was still terrified you'd die. But I don't want to stick my nose in on their private business. It's too private and he doesn't get near enough privacy in his life."

[halfwaytoheaven]

Beau nodded. "It's stable. He's responded well to the meds. His body just has a lot going on with it. He's been on PEG feeds for weeks now because he couldn't keep anything down but he's been eating a little and we're going to be getting him up to take a shower soon. But there'll be hurdles, figuring out what he can tolerate and what he can't cope with. Compared to what he was, he's doing really well now." He gave Austin a gentle nudge with his shoulder. "How are you feeling? C'mon, let's go back to the room. You've still got a bit to go with the IV. We'll see how you feel after it if you need more." He stood and helped Austin up so they could head back to the vacant room.

[fabulousfashionista]

"Not quite the boozy trainwreck I was when I got here. Fabulous electrolytes, darling." Austin pulled himself back up onto the bed and gave Beau a faint wry smile. "I remember those days, when you were on PEG feeding because you were so sick. It felt like you were never going to eat again and I could never quite believe the doctors when they said that was enough for you. Now, of course, I know Tara is the best Oncologist basically in the universe and she's married to the best Hematologist, so they helped let you stick around for awhile longer. Hopefully until you're at least, like, ninety-eight, if there's any Powers That Be up there taking requests. All that fear of the unknown and no way to give accurate answers, it takes its toll. You try to stay positive and keep hope, but it's not always possible. The bad days... the worst days, it doesn't even feel like you have the strength to keep breathing yourself. All I wanted to do was take your pain away. All I did was cause you more."

[halfwaytoheaven]

Beau flopped back into the chair and tested if his coffee was still at a palatable temperature, but it was tepid and tasted like burnt feet. He barely avoided gagging on it. "You caused me more pain than cancer?" He huffed, bemused and glanced over at the window where the blinds were open. It wasn't much of a view but it gave him something else to look at while his brain clunked back into gear with all this stuff. "Nothing's more pain than cancer, no matter how fabulous an asshole you can be at times. Austin, I'm the same person I was when you cheated on me. I haven't changed. Cancer ruined me the second time. I don't know if I'm ever going to recover from that or be anything remotely close to who I used to be. So, you can't know if you still love me. You love the idea of me. You love the me I was before. You need to let it go. I can't be what you need anymore and I don't know if I can forgive you for what you did."

[fabulousfashionista]

"I, um... I... I realise I'm risking being punched in the dick for floating this, but... maybe neither of us are who we used to be because we were better together? Before I fucked up and dropped the ball." Austin was making himself nauseous with anxiety saying these words out loud that had been locked going over and over in his head since he bumped into Beau that day. Beau wasn't stonewalling him. He was still here. He was listening. Maybe it would never be the right time to say these things but he swore he'd be honest with Beau from now on. No more hiding and no more fucking up. "I just... don't feel complete without you. Maybe that's cliche as ever-loving hell but it's the truth. I've felt like I'm just floundering. I miss you. I miss us. Our worst of worse days would be better than no us at all. I know you told me if I ever cheated on you, we'd be game over. I do and I respect that but I can't not tell you this. Which I never planned to tell you. I didn't want to fuck with you more. But you kissed me back that day, B. You kissed back. Fuck, sorry... I feel sick." He rested his head back on the pillow, closing his eyes and putting his hand over them with a slow exhalation.

[halfwaytoheaven]

Beau sat forward and put a bowl in Austin's lap just in case. He didn't say anything at first. He rested his elbow on the side of the bed so he could hold his tired head up and wet his lips. Austin was opening the floodgates of everything Beau hadn't wanted to think about or deal with. It was so cut and dried for him initially. Austin cheated, Beau ended the marriage, no questions asked, just like he warned. That was easy to door-slam the whole thing. He just walked away. Never healed, never got closure, just forced himself to get on with life just holding his head above water so he didn't drown. He felt sick too, but not his stomach. His heart, his soul, his head. "What was the breaking point?" he soon asked in a murmur that was just audible. "What was it that made you think one day that I wasn't in love with you anymore? What was it, what was the proverbial straw?"

[fabulousfashionista]

Austin shook his head, even if it made his headache worse. Every beneath his skull felt on fire. Beau was right, the fruity drinks were a mistake. "It wasn't like that. There was no straw. No breaking point. It was just a slow erosion in my head the more you withdrew. I didn't go out to cheat on you because we weren't making love. I mean it when I say that. I went out to get trashed and try to switch off the pain for a bit. I guess the E just forced everything to the forefront. I don't know. I knew as soon as I did that I'd lost you. Before that, I was trying. I just didn't know how to help you. I thought giving you space was what you needed. I never pressured you, did I? I've been trying to figure out what it was that I did that made you think I cheated because you wouldn't sleep with me. I've been trying to find the proverbial straw too but it just wasn't like that. I was in it with you forever. I don't regret telling you I still love you, that I ache to hold you. That's..." He didn't even know what he was trying to say anymore. He just off the bed, dragging the IV pole into the bathroom and managed to somehow throw up spectacularly all over again. This definitely was just the fruity drinks anymore.

[halfwaytoheaven]

Even if Austin had disappeared into the bathroom as quickly as he could, Beau was gesturing with both to the sick bowl he just left right there for him, and exasperated sigh falling out of him. He slumped down in the chair and resting his head on the back of it. It gave him a moment to breathe and process what Austin was saying. Moments like these, he wasn't sure why he chose to specialise in Oncology because his hate for cancer felt like a physical pain inside. But he understood it was more than just your body is destroyed and he knew what his patients were facing. That was why he was here on New Year's night on intensive monitoring of a VIP patient with Graft-verses-Host Disease, because cancer didn't spare you because you were a millionaire or a celebrity, and he was listening to his ex puking in a bathroom - who was his ex due to cancer - because it didn't spare doctors who treated cancer either. Fuck, if only treating other peoples' cancer gave you a free pass out of getting it yourself. Getting it a second time, even. And now, all of a sudden, he couldn't even figure out the answer to Austin's conundrum. What was it that made him think Austin cheated because their sex life was annihilated by chemo?

[fabulousfashionista]

Once Austin managed to stop throwing up after three attempts and barely managing not to kneel on the hospital bathroom ground in Gucci, he rinsed his mouth at the sink and went back into the room. "You know what? I'm just going to go. This is pointless. I shouldn't have come. It's not fair to you and nothing I say will take back what I did to you and how that betrayed out marriage. Which is over. So very, very over. So, I'm just going to..." He didn't even know what to keep saying. He peeled the tegaderm off the back of his hand in one sharp tug and it pulled the IV needle out with it. Blood started to piss out of the back of his hand but he grabbed some tissues from the box by the bed and pressed it to the wound before he scooped up his jacket and left the room so he could get to the nearest elevator and exist before he burst into frustrated and angry tears at himself for even thinking this was a good idea. Damnit, Liam. Why the fuck did you make this sound like a good idea?

[halfwaytoheaven]

Beau got up and followed Austin into the corridor. "Austin." He kept his voice low so he didn't wake any nearby patients but it was enough for Austin to still hear him. Beau wasn't the one with the hangover here, his pace was quicker than Austin's, so he caught up without needing to even run. "Come back. We're not done. And now I have to stick a needle in you somewhere else to finish the IV. It's New Year. No one should be drunk and alone on New Year. So, get your ass back into that bed and let me do what I do best. That sounded way dirtier out loud than in my head. I'm talking about doctoring," he clarified when he saw one of his shift nurse smirking at him from beyond the circular desk in the middle of the ward. One that wouldn't know Austin was his ex-husband because she had only been working at the hospital a couple of months. As far as she was concerned, Zander had been his other half and now they had called it quits with a resolve not to make it awkward because they worked together. He was really glad Zander wasn't on shift tonight.

[fabulousfashionista]

Austin stopped when he heard Beau say his name, even if he had no idea why he was even coming after him. It would be easier for him to just let him leave and chalk this bullshit up to Austin having too much to drink and in the morning, he could send him a text and tell him he'd keep his distance. Now that option had gone out the window because Beau was giving him The Face. His caring doctor face, with his caring doctor voice, whilst simultaneously accidentally saying something that did sound completely dirty and, hell, how much he wished he could wind back the clock to the time they could laugh about that and act on it. But he wouldn't negate the trauma Beau had been through with his second battle with leukemia that left him with sexual issues, issues he had outright confided in Austin were still a thing. Beau used to be one of the most sexual people Austin ever met, which was saying something because he used to be a prized and proud manwhore himself so he met a lot of horny people in his time. Was that the proverbial straw? That he had been grieving the person Beau used to be before he nearly died from cancer a second time, when all along he promised Beau he still loved him unconditionally? "Are you sure?" he asked quietly after a fleeting glance at the nurse who was still smirking when she left the desk to answer a patient buzzer.

[halfwaytoheaven]

"About getting your IV back in so you can't stop being sick and feel better? Yeah, of course. About everything else? No, not really. But I'm not sure about anything in my life right now, Austin." Beau lowered his voice, glancing over the nurses' station to make sure no one else was in hearing distance. "Do you know how many times I've written resignation letters for my job? Six. In the last two months. My job. My dream. I can't give you surety. I can give you talking. Which is more than I thought I'd ever want to do if I saw you again after the divorce. If that's not enough, then you can go. I won't stop you. But at least finish the IV and I'll steer clear. But barring any patient emergencies, I've got some time before I have to do morning rounds. Ball's in your court. I can even say balls without smirking."

His pager when off and he swore under his breath because it had the worst timing possible. He took his phone out to check the message, but it thankfully wasn't an emergency. "Right after I write up some meds for one of my patients. I seem destined to ring in my a new decade showered in puke." He took his pen out and moved over to the desk, pointing at Austin with it. "That's not aimed at you, so no using it as an excuse to ditch talking if it's actually what you really want. I'm an Oncologist two-time cancer survivor, I'm awesome with puke." He picked up one of the tablets and used the stylus on the end of his pen to bring up the patient record. He drew up the medication order and then took out his phone to call the nurse who requested it back to give the verbal okay for them to administer.

[fabulousfashionista]

Austin's alcohol-soaked brain was stuck on Beau's reveal that he had been seriously contemplating resigning from his job when, fuck yes, it was his dream. He was made to be a doctor, to be an Oncologist. This, along with Beau telling him the last time he spoke that had moments where he hadn't wanted to live, drove home how serious Beau was when he said he had been struggling after he beat the second bout of leukemia. Austin blinked, gaping a little at Beau as he did his doctor thing on the tablet forgetting about his own issues for a few moments while that extra information infiltrated his heart and made it feel like his ribcage was folding in on it. "O-Okay. I'll stay... and try not to contribute further to your shower of puke. Maybe. I'm just feeling a little sick right now and it has nothing to do with the alcohol."

[halfwaytoheaven]

Beau made a little twirling motion with his finger to get Austin to turn around. "Come on, back on the bed. Look, I'm just going to resolve myself to the fact there's going to be innuendos in anything I say tonight and leave it at that. So, go back in there so I can poke you again." He put his hand on Austin's shoulder and steered him into the room where the IV machine was buzzing after it had been disconnected. Once Austin was back sitting on the bed, he felt him for only a few moments to get some replacement supplies to reinsert the IV line. When he was back, he handed Austin the basin. "That's for puking. I know we're not married anymore and you're probably trying some valiant attempt not to be vulnerable in front of me but divorce doesn't just erase a past. I've seen you throw up countless times and I've seen you at your most vulnerable. Unless you're about to have some unfortunate bout of explosive diarrhoea, just stay put until the bag's done, okay? Hearing the truth is painful, I know. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry we didn't survive too. It's a monster I've not figured out how to conquer yet." After he put some gloves on, he pulled up a stool and first cleaned up the puncture wound on Austin's hand with a antiseptic swab and put a little round band-aid on it.

[fabulousfashionista]

It had to be all in his head but Austin was so sure he felt a tingle through his shoulder where Beau touched him. Your brain did weird shit when you still loved someone. "Can I just take a moment to be grateful explosive diarrhoea isn't a symptom of a hangover?" he murmured, trying to settle back on the bed but he was even tenser now than when they first began talking. Beau probably felt like he changed a whole lot since he had been sick - he said as much - but in essence, Beau was still in there. He was still bluntly honest and wasn't filtering for Austin's sake. That was another part of him Austin fell in love with when they met. Beau could be gentle when he needed to and had a great bedside manner but he didn't panda to anyone when honest truth bombs were needed. He didn't pretend to be anything he wasn't. "There's nothing you need to be sorry about. None of this is anything you should be apologising for. Thank you, but no. I need to hear the truth. It's the only way I'll be able to move on. Just like that Kelly Clarkson song..."

[halfwaytoheaven]

"You might need to elaborate on that. Not exactly a banging Kelly Clarkson fan." Beau couldn't even tell you what songs were hers, let alone what they were about. He was more a classic rock dude. Austin, growing up with a musical brother, was more in touch with music than he had ever been. He even liked that techno dance shit that gave Beau a headache. He cleaned the rest of the blood off Austin's wrist and fingers, being extra-cautious because of the HIV. Austin had said he had no current detectable viral load but you still had to be careful, especially in a hospital. "Look, just because I had no control over what happened in my head or the subsequent fallout from it, doesn't mean I'm not sorry our marriage ended. I didn't think you'd ever hurt me but I also never thought I'd actively want to die either. I also don't want to erase the fact all this would've hurt you too. Don't get me wrong, I wanted you to hurt as much as you hurt me but it was a reactionary protective mechanism."

[fabulousfashionista]

Before Beau could start reinserting the IV line, Austin got his phone and AirPods out of the pocket of his jacket. He handed Beau the AirPods and found Kelly Clarkson's song, Already Gone on Apple Music so he could listen to it. Then he just sat there quietly while Beau stabbed him to get the IV line back in, this time going further up his arm. It barely hurt again. In that moment, he felt that horrible ache not unlike homesickness to be with his twin. Angel being in another country was hard enough in general for him but now, trying to face up to the fact he destroyed his marriage, he missed his brother more than ever. What would Angel say to this? His attempt to fix some sort of something with Beau now he had returned to New York, seeking closure when he wasn't even sure he was capable of healing from this. He didn't want anyone else but it was clear from the way Beau was navigating this that there was absolutely no chace of reconciliation. There was no relationship left to salvage. He just wasn't sure if he could cope with having Beau as a mere friend.

[halfwaytoheaven]

It wasn't an unfamiliar song but it was the first time Beau heard it and actively took note of any lyrics. He was glad he had the IV line to focus on because he found himself choking up and getting teary. Not because the lyrics were sad but because they were triggering pain of what was lost and the shadows of the pain he felt when Austin admitted he cheated on him. That pain wasn't something he had been able to feel at first. Initially, he was angry. At everything. Mostly at Austin but also had himself, at cancer, at the world. Anger that had been band-aided over by depression during the time after his remission he was detached and on autopilot. He didn't even know if he went through the grief cycle. It was more like he simply ghosted the fact he was married. Once the divorce was legally official, he just dove back into autopilot and didn't let himself asses his feelings too closely because that was when he would feel too overwhelmed with everything to process it. The depression woulc kick in along with wanting to throw the towel in on his life, his job included. When the song was over, he took the AirPods out and handed that back to Austin in silence. He finished the line and set the IV pump back to do it's thing to finish off the bag of electrolytes. Maybe he needed one himself. His gut was definitely knotted up and making him feel sick. He had a lump in his throat and words couldn't get past it straight away. He tried to swallow it down and sack back, folding his arms over his chest. Then it happened... some tears escaped and spilled over. He brushed them away. "What did you want me to say when you told me you still loved me? What did you want to happen?"

[fabulousfashionista]

As soon as Austin saw Beau's tears and heard how choked up he was in his voice, he was done for too. Tears welled up and he pressed his fist to his mouth to try to stop outright bursting into tears and bawling. He shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe I hoped you'd say you changed your mind and wanted to try again but I know that's not possible. Maybe let me hug you. I don't know... I really don't know. Nothing, really. I've been trying to figure out all night if I should've said something. I talked myself out of it over and over, then it was just... exploding out of me. I guess there's a whole lot I want but it's all fantasy. Reality's never that easy or simple. But all that would mean you'd have to change your mind about the cheating and I know you, that's not fair to expect when you explicitly spelt out to me before we even got married that you had zero-tolerance for cheating. I... I don't think there's anywhere we can go from here. I don't know what's supposed to happen now. It's over but... I don't think I'm ever going to get over. That's not even fair for me to tell you. I just can't feel anything else, no matter how much time passes."