Sasha Martin Stanford (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beautifulday) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-11-30 02:25 am
beautifulday) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-11-30 02:25 am
"When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love."
Who: Sasha Stanford and Justin Campbell
What: Overdue Date Night
Where: Vermont
When: Simultaneous to this
Locking in a date turned out to be just what the doctor ordered for Justin and Sasha. Autumn managed to arrange an incredible massage therapist to come to the lakehouse to give them (and most of the others who jumped on board too) massages, and then they had a romantic quiet dinner planned at a restaurant about half an house drive away from the house.
It was a perfect atmosphere. Not many other, candlelit tables, soft mood music, great views over the lake and no one getting up in Justin’s face because he was a celebrity. There was some of those familiar looks of recognition when some staff and diners clocked who he was, but it ended in nothing more than some hushed whispers. They gave him and Sasha their privacy at a time they really needed it. Justin didn’t care if some covert fuzzy pics of him rocked up on socials later saying they spotted him out and about. That shit didn’t really bother him unless it was toxic or unacceptably invasive.
Luckily, Sasha was feeling much better today than he had on the drive up the day before. He and Justin pretty much crashed not long after they arrived. They dimmed the lights in their bedroom and left the curtains open with the views of the lake lined with trees adorned in fairy lights, then cuddled up together in a fuzzy blanket so Sash could rest off his sickness flare-up. Pretty romantic if you didn’t count the fart contest they had, blaming the diner food for kicking it off. The outcome was pretty much a tie and a good laugh.
They decided to get a couple of dishes to share and once the waitress took the menus and left, Justin reached over the table to take Sasha’s hand, smiling. “They said it might snow tonight. How awesome are the views from our bedroom going to be when we’re snuggling in bed, watching the snow. Are you sure you’re feeling okay for this? I don’t want to shit you off and fuss too much, but I just have to check, in case it sets in quick again.”
Sasha cupped his hands around Justin’s and kissed his fingers. “You’re adorable when you fuss. You know I don’t mind. It’s not like you don’t have reason. I love when you take care of me.” He rubbed Justin’s hand, giving it some warmth. “I really do feel fine today and I actually have an appetite. Think it was just exhaustion. This is exactly what we need, yeah? It’s been ages since we had a date and this feels private. Intimate. Hope I don’t fall asleep. Those massages were fucking incredible. So, if it snows, does that mean we get to stay in bed all day? We’ve got to make use of that open fire in our room.”
“It means… we can do whatever the hell we like because we’re here to relax. I knew you had a lot you were stressed about, but I didn’t realise how much. And when I say that, I don’t mean that I wasn’t aware of it all, because I really am. I just mean that I didn’t realise how deeply it was all impacting on you, making you sick. The shit with my mom, we didn’t see that coming. Plus, I know my episode hit really fast and I was losing my shit before I even realised I was that ill. You’re always there for me, even when it hurts you. That’s something I love about you so much, I don’t have enough words to describe it. But this sort of stuff, with us, I think the only way we get through it is like… being together, knowing it’s okay to sit back and switch it all off for awhile, focus on us.” Justin laced his fingers through Sasha’s and exhaled heavily. “I hate how sick all this has made you. I know you don’t want me, or anyone else, shouldering the blame, but I just wish I didn’t need to put so much shit on you. You didn’t get an easy deal signing up with me.”
Sasha ran his thumb over Justin’s engagement ring, smiling. “You didn’t exactly get the easiest deal with me either, you know. This isn’t all one-sided. I’ve never thought that and never will. I’ve known I’ve been fucked up with anxiety since I was six and stopped talking after Dad’s accident. I knew losing Andi would fuck me up beyond belief but there wasn’t a single thing I could do to stop it happening. I just didn’t expect her to go through with ending it when she chose to and how that would make me feel. I didn’t expect Zeke to relapse. I didn’t expect—” He stopped, biting his lip, eyes on their linked hands. “See, in my head, I compartmentalized your mental illness and suicidal feelings separate from death. It’s been like… I know you’re suicidal and it can rear its ugly head without warning, but each time you’ve been saved. I never thought I’d be confronted with finding you like that and actually believing you were dead for minutes that felt like fucking hours. So, I have this whole overprotective force taking over me towards you since it happened, thinking this stuff with your moms might push you to the brink again. It’s been a really sharp reality check I didn’t even know I needed. It’s not your fault I’ve been sick. I have PTSD and anxiety. I have to remember that’s a mental illness too, and so do you. It’s not your fault anymore than your bipolar is my fault. Pretty sure that means we just gotta wing it.”
Justin wet his lips, nodding slowly. It was easy to be relaxed there that night. It was a comfortable atmosphere and the open fire crackling away on the other side of the room made it feel extra romantic and intimate. “I think that’s the hard part for me. I’d never wish mental illness on you. It’s not something I’d wish on an enemy. But I think we’ve got each other’s back and even if we have some super horrific days with it, I think our good stuff outweighs it. Things like this. Dates, cuddles, kisses, snuggling, sex, spending time with family, hanging out with friends… all the stuff that makes it worth holding on. So, I take it you’ve vetoed the possibility of trying pot to help the anxiety?”
“Yes, please. All of that. Coming away here, it has this way of helping you clear your head. I think that’s why Andi wanted to come here for her final days but she was so sick, she had to be in hospital. I’m glad we got to hold onto that, even if her family had to let it go. There’s peace here. I could feel it as soon as we arrived. Sometimes, living in the biggest city in the world is claustrophobic.” Sasha took a mouthful of his sparkling water and put his glass down. “Actually, I think it helped me sleep. I guess you get used to it the more you use it? I never asked you about starting it. You were already using it when I met you. I remember, because the first time I saw you smoke a joint, it was freaking hot.”
“Once you got over the shock of seeing me light up, you mean,” Justin laughed, sitting back to have a drink of his Diet Coke. “I was so worried about letting you see that, that you might think less of me for doing drugs or something. At the same time, I wanted you to know everything. I was scared I’d have no chance with you once you knew the full story, though. I hated it at first. We tried the oil and the mix to dissolve under the tongue but it didn’t work as well. The smoking made me sick. It took awhile to get used to it, trying different strengths. It would knock me on my arse and go straight to my head. But you do get used to it. Eventually, I knew it was worth it. I’d feel it dialling down the manic agitated feelings I get and that used to be what I hated most about the bipolar. The danger zone. So many people assume it’s the depression that made me suicidal. But I rather my brain too quiet than too loud. Too fast. Too chaotic. That’s why I think it might help you. Anxiety’s similar, just maybe not so much agitated as stressed. It won’t stop you feeling sick. But it might settle the stress a little so you don’t feel so sick as often. Like your doctor said, we need to find a regime to help you, just like they’ve had to do with me. Figure out what works and what doesn’t.”
Sasha gave a little nod, biting his lip. A waitress walked by with some meals for another table and he had a sticky beak at what the food was like. Andi’s parents would come here for dates sometimes and they highly recommended it. “I’m worried about the tour. If I’m going to be sick the whole time, that’ll worry you. It’s getting closer and closer.”
Justin shook his head, once again taking Sasha’s hand. “We’re on a date, baby. The first in ages. You’re so full of stress and all this stuff is valid, but I can’t let you keep going over it when you’re trying to relax and have some fun. There’s nothing to worry about the tour. We’ll figure it out when the time comes. Your condition comes in cycles. It won’t all be bad. We’ll have a whole team of people with us the whole way too. So, even if just for tonight, no stressing, okay? We can pick it back up tomorrow if we need to. Or when we get back to New York. Think we can shelve the stress for a few days? Just let yourself adjust. If you get sick, I’ll be there to rub your back and make you tea. Just like you do with me. Yeah?”
Sasha surrendered, laughing. “Okay, okay. I give you permission to call me out any time I get remotely near stressing so I can stop. Because I don’t always know I’m doing it. Actually, lately, I haven’t really stopped doing it, so you’re right. We need this. What I’m trying to say is, I think I’ve forgotten how to not stress?” He stopped, rubbing his forehead. “Can I just ask you something first? How does it make you feel when I talk about this stuff? Not my anxiety, I know we talk really well about all that sort of stuff. I just mean, when I tell you how I feel about you being sick, how I’m… not coping with the suicidal stuff at the moment. Because you can’t help it and I always feel bad telling you.”
This was something Sasha never asked him before and Justin didn’t have an answer, not right away. He kept a hold of Sasha’s hand and his gaze averted to the fire on the other side of the restaurant. “I think the best word is helpless. And guilty. I always feel a lot of guilt for you… for everyone, I guess. That you have to put up with it. Only, I realise that you don’t. You’re here because you love me and you’re not just ‘putting up with me’,” he murmured, making air-quotes with his fingers. He looked back to Sasha, taking his hand again. He loved holding hands. “I feel confused too. Not about why you feel how you do, not at all. I feel confused about… how I can find the love of my life and think he’s the most amazing thing to ever exist in the universe, who’s my perfect match in every way, yet my fucked up brain can see that as a reason for me not to have to try to end my life. That’s the first thing I always feel after it. And tired. The fighting all that makes me tired. But I never want you to stop talking about it and telling me what you’re feeling. Never.”
“Does it hurt when I tell you how much it scares me when you attempt? Is there anything I could’ve done that day to stop you taking the pills? I know being there rather than going to get coffee is probably the obvious answer…” Sasha knew this was against what Justin said about not stressing on their date or their time in Vermont, but this felt important. “I’ve been thinking about death a lot. Not just you with the suicide attempt but Andi, Zeke, Brandon, Dad. It feels like everyone I love will die early and I’ll be left alone. I know irrational that sounds. Mostly, I’m just scared every day I have with you could be the last. That’s… I worry about that all the time.”
Their meals arrived then, so Justin couldn’t answer right away. These sorts of things, they weren’t for anyone else to hear. Some things in a relationship, you had to keep to yourselves. Especially in a situation like theirs where they had to share parts of themselves with a hell of a lot more people than usual. Once they were alone again, their delicious meals steaming in front of them, Justin was again reaching for Sasha’s hand. “It doesn’t scare me, it just makes me hurt because you’re in pain with it. Sash, you know if it wasn’t the pills, it’d be something else. We all know that, as hard as it is to say out loud. Do you ever think about breaking up with me because of all this? Please don’t be mad. I just figured since we were asking the hard questions.”
Sasha knew it would be hard to put food in his mouth after this but at the same time, there was something comforting about tackling this stuff head-on, instead of just having it swirl around in his head constantly, literally making him sick. He shook his head, but he couldn’t get words out at first. “Never.” He shook his head again. “Never. How could I be terrified every day with you might be our last but also have thoughts about breaking up? That doesn’t make sense. Fuck. I don’t want to lose you… in any way.”
“We accidentally got super serious on our date, huh?” Justin squeezed Sasha’s hand with a wry smile and then exhaled deeply, biting his lip. “I love you so much. To me, that feels stronger than all this other stuff. I’m fighting as hard as I can to try to make sure none of these are our last days. Okay, I have another curly question but this time… not something that hurts. Yeah? Think you can handle it?”
“Oh? Oh, you really think I can’t handle it? I’m handling it. I might be puking my guts out a lot more frequently than anyone should, which might be evidence I can’t handle it, but I’m pretty sure I at least get points for being able to make really excellent macadamia and white choc cookies, which just happen to be your favourite.” Sasha picked up his fork and curled it in his fettuccine. “Okay, hit me. Before I eat in case whatever it is makes me nauseous.”
Justin laughed, picking a crouton from his chicken caesar salad, popping it into his mouth. “Do you ever wonder if we should get married, like, sooner rather than waiting a few years down the track? This isn’t me getting any ideas, I promise. I just wonder about it. Marriage is huge and we’re totally still young and all that. Maybe I just more wonder if it’ll make us stronger. Or if anything ever did happen, at least there’d be memories. Blame Merlin and Brandon.”
“Yeah, all that crossed my mind when they got married too. I didn’t really think about it before. The whole making memories and having that experience in case time was running out. We always just agreed we’d wait until later and we’d know when we were ready. But I think we’ve made some amazing memories and I don’t always feel on the clock with you. You have this amazing way of living in the moment, because you need to and it’s the only way you can navigate life and give it value without letting your illness completely drown you. I’m okay being in the moment with you. No, not just okay. I’m ecstatic about it. I’m happy and so in love with you, it’s probably nauseating to some.” Sasha gave Justin a smile and offered him a taste of his fettuccine, holding the loaded fork to Justin’s mouth. “I’m more and more thinking that when we do it, you’re just going to be like, yep, the time is right now, let’s elope!”
Justin took the mouthful of pasta, nodding in approval. “Mm, that’s bloody tasty. Not too rich for your stomach? Eloping could be fun. I don’t know. I’m torn. I know my family would love the big planned wedding but then again, I don’t know if that’s us. Which totally tells me we’re not there yet, we’re not ready. I just like thinking about it. I think if we did a full-on elopement, running away and just getting hitched without telling anyone, they would kill us. It wouldn’t be fair to your folks, either. They’ve only got one kid, it’d be their only chance to have a wedding. That’s what makes me think more, like, a big party or something. I want to do more of this, though.” He gestured between then with his fork. “Dates. Just us. I want to keep making these sorts of memories. With a lot of nakedness, of course,” he added with a grin.
“Of course,” Sasha laughed, enjoying Justin’s cheeky grin. It was always a relief when that came back. “Is that our plan for tomorrow? Naked snuggling in front of the fire, catching up on sleep, watching the snow from our blanket nest. The last time we planned a day like that, you got diarrhoea and spent most of the time in the bathroom.”
“Oh my god! Don’t remind me. I had the worst stomach cramps for, like, three days. Those bloody canapes at that theatre function. But we’re not going to jinx this. We’re both going to feel good tomorrow and enjoy every last second of snuggling, sleeping, and making out. Though, after you eat that pasta, I think you’re going to be farting holes in the mattress,” Justin added mischievously, pointing at Sasha’s plate with his fork. “No blanket forts if that happens, I want to live to see Christmas.”
Sasha snorted in amusement. “Hey, the hazards of letting me put a ring on it and share your bed. We know that we both fart like champs on our bed snuggle days. It’s almost a tradition now.” He put his fork on the side of his bowl and reached over the table to stroke Justin’s cheek. “I like hearing you say you want to live to see Christmas.”
Justin turned his head to kiss Sasha’s palm. “I really do. Even if I know it’s going to be weird this year, knowing about Alexis and I guess… being involved in her family Christmas? She said that. I wonder what they do. It’s going to be weird to see what I might’ve had my whole life growing up.”
“Are you nervous? You’ve never talked about how Christmas was before you found your dad. I guess it was more of the awful stuff?” Sasha asked, careful not to navigate too deeply into that and upset Justin. He knew if he didn’t want to talk about it, he would say. Sometimes, he liked to give Justin the opening to remind him he could talk about his past if he needed to. Sometimes he did, other times he couldn’t face it. He knew since he found out Alexis was his birth mom, Justin had been struggling with his overall identity and what it meant.
“Yeah, I’m pretty nervous…” Justin poked at his salad and nibbled a piece of chicken. “Christmas back there was mostly just the religious bullshit with my grandparents. Dragging me to church and… I can’t even remember presents. I’m sure they got me some but I don’t remember. It was never a good time because, well… the pastor, you know? I did vandalize the church's nativity scene out front one year. I was so fucking angry. I think it was when I started having psychosis, I suppose. Who really knows. That’s all why I love Christmas so much now. It’s special. Never had anything like it before.”
Sasha was only really picking at his food. Listening to Justin was more important. He cherished these moments the most, when Justin opened up to him in ways Sasha knew he didn’t really so much with anyone else. “Before I met you, I remember watching an interview you did and it was this Q and A thing, where fans were able to Tweet questions the interviewer asked you. One of them was how you felt about religion. You shut it down right up, just saying something like you don’t want to talk about that, then made a joke about the question of whether you liked boxers or briefs was more interesting. I’m starting to realise how many signs of who you really are have been out in the stratosphere all along. There was also this rumour that when you did a visit to a children’s hospital, one of the kids told you they had been abused or molested. Something like that. And you cried because you were so touched. That really happened, huh?”
Justin nodded with a small shrug. “Yeah, it happened. I had them cut the footage of it out of what they published, though. Not because of me. I don’t care who the fuck sees me cry. Because the kid didn’t need that used as a PR pull. Shit, hey. That was a really long time ago. I think it was before I told anyone. You blow me away how much you remember. It’s like we had a connection for a really long time. If we hadn’t met, do you think you would’ve tried dating? I know it’s something you never felt an urge for.”
“My dad asked me this after I came out to them as ace. But I never actually came out to them as gay, which is probably strange. I just told them I was dating you and nothing ever felt strange about it. It was more adjusting to dating a celebrity than realising I was gay.” Sasha wiped his mouth with his napkin, pushing his bowl away now he had as much as he could manage. “I don’t think I would’ve. Besides losing Andi and shit, I think I just would’ve thrown myself into school and college, not having much of a life and been destined to a life as a workaholic. I’m not saying it would’ve been too hard, it’s just… I never had to try with you. Nothing felt forced or wrong. Not even when I started to realise what I was feeling wasn’t sexual attraction. Maybe I would’ve died a virgin,” he laughed.
“Did you tell your dad when you lost your virginity? I don’t think it’s strange. Not knowing the relationship you have with your folks. I always got the feeling they kind of knew but that you had to figure it out for yourself. Or maybe that it never mattered to them what you were, just so long as you found someone who made you happy and accepted you for all you are. Which was me. We’ve established I’m the luckiest fucker on the face of the earth.” Justin grinned, pushing his own plate aside. “People never believe me when I say being mentally ill was way harder to adjust to and live with than fame. Then again, I know my illnesses have meant I’ve had to be protected from a lot of what goes with being famous. It’s not the same for me as others like, say, Brandon. People are mostly okay accepting why I do or don’t do things, that it’s because I’m sick or need a timeout. Brandon didn’t get any of that, not even after he went public with the cancer. It just made them try to hound him even more. It sucks.”
Sasha nodded with a sheepish smile. “Oh, yeah. I totally told him basically the day after it happened. He guessed, though. Waited for me to tell him before he said he figured it out. You know, I actually told him too about the first time I bottomed, even though he’s straight as they come. I’ve always had that type of relationship with him. He still gave me advice. Once he knew I was gay, he looked it all up in case I needed advice. Mostly, it was just about making sure I talked to you about it all. Not to mention some amusing LOLs about you being hung,” he laughed, rubbing his toe against Justin’s leg beneath the table. He noticed through the other part of the restaurant there was a cleared area like a dancefloor near a jukebox. “I wasn’t surprised he and Merlin had a coming out plan, though. It let Brandon keep control of his own story. I wouldn’t want to die with people believing I was someone entirely different to who I was either. Do you wanna dance, baby?” he asked, nodding in the direction of the jukebox.
Justin looked over his shoulder to where Sash was nodding. He hadn’t even realised there was a jukebox, let alone a place to dance. “Fuck, yeah! Okay, I probably said that with way too much enthusiasm but I’m going to blame winning a Tony for a Broadway dance musical rather than being a shameless dance whore. And it’s slow music. Like I’m ever saying no to slow dancing with my man.” He didn’t even really care if no one else was up dancing and that it would probably draw some attention. Fuck it, if they recognised him, they would understand why he was dancing anyway. He stood up and offered Sasha his hand and they headed over to the small cubic polished floor just far enough away from tables to not disturb the diners. When they got through there, they realised there was a piano too. Sash laughed at him, knowing Justin’s fingers would be itching just at the sight of it. “I won’t! I won’t! I’ll be good,” he laughed and they went over to the jukebox to pick a song together, arms wrapped around each other.
“I totally wouldn’t mind if you did but I’m going to be selfish because I want to dance with you.” Sasha knew Justin didn’t carry cash and if he did, it was usually only a small amount in notes, so he took his wallet out to find some coins. Not before he accidentally dropped a strip of condoms on the floor though and quickly snatched them back up, shoving them in his pocket with a red face. He quickly checked to make sure no one saw. “Oh, jesus fuck! Here, you choose.” He handed Justin some coins and pushed the condoms further into his pocket to make sure they didn’t escape again.
Justin was laughing, still finding it adorable how bashful Sasha was - and always would be - about sex in general. He wasn’t a prude. He joked about it and had a good laugh when their friends mock-teased him about being ace, but if it ever came up with people he wasn’t close to, he was shy and adorable about it. He took the coins and dropped them into the machine, picking the number he wanted. “Speaking of losing your virginity…” He smiled, taking Sasha’s hand when Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran started to play, a song they were listening to right before their first time. They stepped onto the tiny dancefloor, holding each other and moving slowly to the music. He gave Sasha a soft kiss and rubbed their noses together. “Did you think we’d come this far back then?”
“I didn’t think you would,” Sasha admitted, pressing his lips together in an unspoken apology. “It was like each day I had with you was a bonus. It still is. Just with so much more at stake, I guess. I would never have guessed we’d get engaged, live together, have this whole big huge family together. “What about you? Did you wonder about a future? You probably just weren’t taking anything for granted, too scared to think further than a few days.”
“Actually, you were the first time I thought about a future in a very long time and it scared the nutsack off me, to be honest. When we were in London and everything was going so well. There was that day you weren’t feeling the best. You thought it might’ve been a migraine coming on so you stayed in bed and crashed out again. Remember? You told me to go out and have fun with Amarlie. I didn’t. I stayed in our room with you and just caught up on some rest too. That’s when I realised I was thinking beyond just now with you. You’d made it through a suicide attempt with me and you were still there. You were so worth being scared for,” Justin murmured, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Sasha’s. Then he found his lips easily in another unhurried kiss.
Sasha swept his hand over Justin’s back and looped his arms around his neck. “And now we get to be scared together? We’re pretty good at it, you have to admit.”
Justin nodded with a soft laugh, melting into the feeling of Sasha massaging the back of his neck like he always did when they were embraced like this. His fingers were a billion times better than the qualified massage therapists earlier in the day. “Do you think we could swing getting everyone up here for Thanksgiving? By everyone, I mean all our families including Alexis and… Andi’s.”
“A-Andi’s…?” Sasha took a little step back but only enough to see Justin’s face a little more clearly in the intimate lighting of the restaurant. This was the first time it even crossed his mind to come together with Andi’s family since her death and it was only because Justin was suggesting it. Andi was always more of a pre-Justin thing, even if Tori and Peyton lived in New York now and he saw them often. Peyton was one of the ER doctors who led Justin’s resus after the recent overdose. Andi had always more been a pre-Justin thing and her family were still very much grieving. It never crossed his mind for his pre-Andi and post-Andi life to come together, though now that Justin was saying it, he knew there was nothing pre-Andi or post-Andi. She was always part of his whole life.
“You don’t want that? We don’t have to. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, before I knew about Alexis. That Andi’s the biggest thing we can ever be thankful for. You talk a lot about the family times you had here with her and her family, so I thought… maybe we could do that for them again. You know me, I usually skip Thanksgiving and that’s not even because I consider myself mostly Aussie now and I hate turkey. It’s short notice but we could swing it. Not unless you’re ready. You haven’t celebrated since we got together because you told me it was something you always did with her family.” Justin put his hands on Sasha’s cheeks and gave him another tender kiss. “Don’t answer. Just think about it. We’ll pay the bill and head back to the lakehouse. You just let me know if you want to talk about it, okay?”
Justin paid for their dinner while Sasha grabbed their coats, both glad no one tried to ask for a sneaky selfie while they were on their date. The temperature had really dropped and they could feel the pending snow in the air. Sasha hiked the heat up in the car before they left the restaurant carpark. “Can’t wait to get home to the fire. We should take a bubble bath together,” Justin suggested, putting his hand on Sasha’s thigh like he always did when they drove places together.
Sasha laced his fingers with Justin’s, giving his hand a squeeze. “I want to do it.” He glanced at Justin and nodded. “Thanksgiving, I mean. But also the bath, yes. I just… I’m scared of what us being together without Andi is supposed to look like but I can’t run away from it forever and I know how much it’ll mean to them. This is bigger than me.”
“Not tonight, it’s not. Sometimes, you’re bigger than everything, Sash, even if you don’t believe that. It’s why I’m still here.” They hadn’t left the carpark yet, so Justin leaned over and gave Sasha a kiss, then wrapped his arms around him in a protective hug. “I love you, baby. I love you enough for me and for Andi. Always will.”
“I love you.” Sasha’s words were muffled against Justin’s shoulder while he clung to him and rubbed his back. “Never change, Jus. Never ever change.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Overdue Date Night
Where: Vermont
When: Simultaneous to this
Locking in a date turned out to be just what the doctor ordered for Justin and Sasha. Autumn managed to arrange an incredible massage therapist to come to the lakehouse to give them (and most of the others who jumped on board too) massages, and then they had a romantic quiet dinner planned at a restaurant about half an house drive away from the house.
It was a perfect atmosphere. Not many other, candlelit tables, soft mood music, great views over the lake and no one getting up in Justin’s face because he was a celebrity. There was some of those familiar looks of recognition when some staff and diners clocked who he was, but it ended in nothing more than some hushed whispers. They gave him and Sasha their privacy at a time they really needed it. Justin didn’t care if some covert fuzzy pics of him rocked up on socials later saying they spotted him out and about. That shit didn’t really bother him unless it was toxic or unacceptably invasive.
Luckily, Sasha was feeling much better today than he had on the drive up the day before. He and Justin pretty much crashed not long after they arrived. They dimmed the lights in their bedroom and left the curtains open with the views of the lake lined with trees adorned in fairy lights, then cuddled up together in a fuzzy blanket so Sash could rest off his sickness flare-up. Pretty romantic if you didn’t count the fart contest they had, blaming the diner food for kicking it off. The outcome was pretty much a tie and a good laugh.
They decided to get a couple of dishes to share and once the waitress took the menus and left, Justin reached over the table to take Sasha’s hand, smiling. “They said it might snow tonight. How awesome are the views from our bedroom going to be when we’re snuggling in bed, watching the snow. Are you sure you’re feeling okay for this? I don’t want to shit you off and fuss too much, but I just have to check, in case it sets in quick again.”
Sasha cupped his hands around Justin’s and kissed his fingers. “You’re adorable when you fuss. You know I don’t mind. It’s not like you don’t have reason. I love when you take care of me.” He rubbed Justin’s hand, giving it some warmth. “I really do feel fine today and I actually have an appetite. Think it was just exhaustion. This is exactly what we need, yeah? It’s been ages since we had a date and this feels private. Intimate. Hope I don’t fall asleep. Those massages were fucking incredible. So, if it snows, does that mean we get to stay in bed all day? We’ve got to make use of that open fire in our room.”
“It means… we can do whatever the hell we like because we’re here to relax. I knew you had a lot you were stressed about, but I didn’t realise how much. And when I say that, I don’t mean that I wasn’t aware of it all, because I really am. I just mean that I didn’t realise how deeply it was all impacting on you, making you sick. The shit with my mom, we didn’t see that coming. Plus, I know my episode hit really fast and I was losing my shit before I even realised I was that ill. You’re always there for me, even when it hurts you. That’s something I love about you so much, I don’t have enough words to describe it. But this sort of stuff, with us, I think the only way we get through it is like… being together, knowing it’s okay to sit back and switch it all off for awhile, focus on us.” Justin laced his fingers through Sasha’s and exhaled heavily. “I hate how sick all this has made you. I know you don’t want me, or anyone else, shouldering the blame, but I just wish I didn’t need to put so much shit on you. You didn’t get an easy deal signing up with me.”
Sasha ran his thumb over Justin’s engagement ring, smiling. “You didn’t exactly get the easiest deal with me either, you know. This isn’t all one-sided. I’ve never thought that and never will. I’ve known I’ve been fucked up with anxiety since I was six and stopped talking after Dad’s accident. I knew losing Andi would fuck me up beyond belief but there wasn’t a single thing I could do to stop it happening. I just didn’t expect her to go through with ending it when she chose to and how that would make me feel. I didn’t expect Zeke to relapse. I didn’t expect—” He stopped, biting his lip, eyes on their linked hands. “See, in my head, I compartmentalized your mental illness and suicidal feelings separate from death. It’s been like… I know you’re suicidal and it can rear its ugly head without warning, but each time you’ve been saved. I never thought I’d be confronted with finding you like that and actually believing you were dead for minutes that felt like fucking hours. So, I have this whole overprotective force taking over me towards you since it happened, thinking this stuff with your moms might push you to the brink again. It’s been a really sharp reality check I didn’t even know I needed. It’s not your fault I’ve been sick. I have PTSD and anxiety. I have to remember that’s a mental illness too, and so do you. It’s not your fault anymore than your bipolar is my fault. Pretty sure that means we just gotta wing it.”
Justin wet his lips, nodding slowly. It was easy to be relaxed there that night. It was a comfortable atmosphere and the open fire crackling away on the other side of the room made it feel extra romantic and intimate. “I think that’s the hard part for me. I’d never wish mental illness on you. It’s not something I’d wish on an enemy. But I think we’ve got each other’s back and even if we have some super horrific days with it, I think our good stuff outweighs it. Things like this. Dates, cuddles, kisses, snuggling, sex, spending time with family, hanging out with friends… all the stuff that makes it worth holding on. So, I take it you’ve vetoed the possibility of trying pot to help the anxiety?”
“Yes, please. All of that. Coming away here, it has this way of helping you clear your head. I think that’s why Andi wanted to come here for her final days but she was so sick, she had to be in hospital. I’m glad we got to hold onto that, even if her family had to let it go. There’s peace here. I could feel it as soon as we arrived. Sometimes, living in the biggest city in the world is claustrophobic.” Sasha took a mouthful of his sparkling water and put his glass down. “Actually, I think it helped me sleep. I guess you get used to it the more you use it? I never asked you about starting it. You were already using it when I met you. I remember, because the first time I saw you smoke a joint, it was freaking hot.”
“Once you got over the shock of seeing me light up, you mean,” Justin laughed, sitting back to have a drink of his Diet Coke. “I was so worried about letting you see that, that you might think less of me for doing drugs or something. At the same time, I wanted you to know everything. I was scared I’d have no chance with you once you knew the full story, though. I hated it at first. We tried the oil and the mix to dissolve under the tongue but it didn’t work as well. The smoking made me sick. It took awhile to get used to it, trying different strengths. It would knock me on my arse and go straight to my head. But you do get used to it. Eventually, I knew it was worth it. I’d feel it dialling down the manic agitated feelings I get and that used to be what I hated most about the bipolar. The danger zone. So many people assume it’s the depression that made me suicidal. But I rather my brain too quiet than too loud. Too fast. Too chaotic. That’s why I think it might help you. Anxiety’s similar, just maybe not so much agitated as stressed. It won’t stop you feeling sick. But it might settle the stress a little so you don’t feel so sick as often. Like your doctor said, we need to find a regime to help you, just like they’ve had to do with me. Figure out what works and what doesn’t.”
Sasha gave a little nod, biting his lip. A waitress walked by with some meals for another table and he had a sticky beak at what the food was like. Andi’s parents would come here for dates sometimes and they highly recommended it. “I’m worried about the tour. If I’m going to be sick the whole time, that’ll worry you. It’s getting closer and closer.”
Justin shook his head, once again taking Sasha’s hand. “We’re on a date, baby. The first in ages. You’re so full of stress and all this stuff is valid, but I can’t let you keep going over it when you’re trying to relax and have some fun. There’s nothing to worry about the tour. We’ll figure it out when the time comes. Your condition comes in cycles. It won’t all be bad. We’ll have a whole team of people with us the whole way too. So, even if just for tonight, no stressing, okay? We can pick it back up tomorrow if we need to. Or when we get back to New York. Think we can shelve the stress for a few days? Just let yourself adjust. If you get sick, I’ll be there to rub your back and make you tea. Just like you do with me. Yeah?”
Sasha surrendered, laughing. “Okay, okay. I give you permission to call me out any time I get remotely near stressing so I can stop. Because I don’t always know I’m doing it. Actually, lately, I haven’t really stopped doing it, so you’re right. We need this. What I’m trying to say is, I think I’ve forgotten how to not stress?” He stopped, rubbing his forehead. “Can I just ask you something first? How does it make you feel when I talk about this stuff? Not my anxiety, I know we talk really well about all that sort of stuff. I just mean, when I tell you how I feel about you being sick, how I’m… not coping with the suicidal stuff at the moment. Because you can’t help it and I always feel bad telling you.”
This was something Sasha never asked him before and Justin didn’t have an answer, not right away. He kept a hold of Sasha’s hand and his gaze averted to the fire on the other side of the restaurant. “I think the best word is helpless. And guilty. I always feel a lot of guilt for you… for everyone, I guess. That you have to put up with it. Only, I realise that you don’t. You’re here because you love me and you’re not just ‘putting up with me’,” he murmured, making air-quotes with his fingers. He looked back to Sasha, taking his hand again. He loved holding hands. “I feel confused too. Not about why you feel how you do, not at all. I feel confused about… how I can find the love of my life and think he’s the most amazing thing to ever exist in the universe, who’s my perfect match in every way, yet my fucked up brain can see that as a reason for me not to have to try to end my life. That’s the first thing I always feel after it. And tired. The fighting all that makes me tired. But I never want you to stop talking about it and telling me what you’re feeling. Never.”
“Does it hurt when I tell you how much it scares me when you attempt? Is there anything I could’ve done that day to stop you taking the pills? I know being there rather than going to get coffee is probably the obvious answer…” Sasha knew this was against what Justin said about not stressing on their date or their time in Vermont, but this felt important. “I’ve been thinking about death a lot. Not just you with the suicide attempt but Andi, Zeke, Brandon, Dad. It feels like everyone I love will die early and I’ll be left alone. I know irrational that sounds. Mostly, I’m just scared every day I have with you could be the last. That’s… I worry about that all the time.”
Their meals arrived then, so Justin couldn’t answer right away. These sorts of things, they weren’t for anyone else to hear. Some things in a relationship, you had to keep to yourselves. Especially in a situation like theirs where they had to share parts of themselves with a hell of a lot more people than usual. Once they were alone again, their delicious meals steaming in front of them, Justin was again reaching for Sasha’s hand. “It doesn’t scare me, it just makes me hurt because you’re in pain with it. Sash, you know if it wasn’t the pills, it’d be something else. We all know that, as hard as it is to say out loud. Do you ever think about breaking up with me because of all this? Please don’t be mad. I just figured since we were asking the hard questions.”
Sasha knew it would be hard to put food in his mouth after this but at the same time, there was something comforting about tackling this stuff head-on, instead of just having it swirl around in his head constantly, literally making him sick. He shook his head, but he couldn’t get words out at first. “Never.” He shook his head again. “Never. How could I be terrified every day with you might be our last but also have thoughts about breaking up? That doesn’t make sense. Fuck. I don’t want to lose you… in any way.”
“We accidentally got super serious on our date, huh?” Justin squeezed Sasha’s hand with a wry smile and then exhaled deeply, biting his lip. “I love you so much. To me, that feels stronger than all this other stuff. I’m fighting as hard as I can to try to make sure none of these are our last days. Okay, I have another curly question but this time… not something that hurts. Yeah? Think you can handle it?”
“Oh? Oh, you really think I can’t handle it? I’m handling it. I might be puking my guts out a lot more frequently than anyone should, which might be evidence I can’t handle it, but I’m pretty sure I at least get points for being able to make really excellent macadamia and white choc cookies, which just happen to be your favourite.” Sasha picked up his fork and curled it in his fettuccine. “Okay, hit me. Before I eat in case whatever it is makes me nauseous.”
Justin laughed, picking a crouton from his chicken caesar salad, popping it into his mouth. “Do you ever wonder if we should get married, like, sooner rather than waiting a few years down the track? This isn’t me getting any ideas, I promise. I just wonder about it. Marriage is huge and we’re totally still young and all that. Maybe I just more wonder if it’ll make us stronger. Or if anything ever did happen, at least there’d be memories. Blame Merlin and Brandon.”
“Yeah, all that crossed my mind when they got married too. I didn’t really think about it before. The whole making memories and having that experience in case time was running out. We always just agreed we’d wait until later and we’d know when we were ready. But I think we’ve made some amazing memories and I don’t always feel on the clock with you. You have this amazing way of living in the moment, because you need to and it’s the only way you can navigate life and give it value without letting your illness completely drown you. I’m okay being in the moment with you. No, not just okay. I’m ecstatic about it. I’m happy and so in love with you, it’s probably nauseating to some.” Sasha gave Justin a smile and offered him a taste of his fettuccine, holding the loaded fork to Justin’s mouth. “I’m more and more thinking that when we do it, you’re just going to be like, yep, the time is right now, let’s elope!”
Justin took the mouthful of pasta, nodding in approval. “Mm, that’s bloody tasty. Not too rich for your stomach? Eloping could be fun. I don’t know. I’m torn. I know my family would love the big planned wedding but then again, I don’t know if that’s us. Which totally tells me we’re not there yet, we’re not ready. I just like thinking about it. I think if we did a full-on elopement, running away and just getting hitched without telling anyone, they would kill us. It wouldn’t be fair to your folks, either. They’ve only got one kid, it’d be their only chance to have a wedding. That’s what makes me think more, like, a big party or something. I want to do more of this, though.” He gestured between then with his fork. “Dates. Just us. I want to keep making these sorts of memories. With a lot of nakedness, of course,” he added with a grin.
“Of course,” Sasha laughed, enjoying Justin’s cheeky grin. It was always a relief when that came back. “Is that our plan for tomorrow? Naked snuggling in front of the fire, catching up on sleep, watching the snow from our blanket nest. The last time we planned a day like that, you got diarrhoea and spent most of the time in the bathroom.”
“Oh my god! Don’t remind me. I had the worst stomach cramps for, like, three days. Those bloody canapes at that theatre function. But we’re not going to jinx this. We’re both going to feel good tomorrow and enjoy every last second of snuggling, sleeping, and making out. Though, after you eat that pasta, I think you’re going to be farting holes in the mattress,” Justin added mischievously, pointing at Sasha’s plate with his fork. “No blanket forts if that happens, I want to live to see Christmas.”
Sasha snorted in amusement. “Hey, the hazards of letting me put a ring on it and share your bed. We know that we both fart like champs on our bed snuggle days. It’s almost a tradition now.” He put his fork on the side of his bowl and reached over the table to stroke Justin’s cheek. “I like hearing you say you want to live to see Christmas.”
Justin turned his head to kiss Sasha’s palm. “I really do. Even if I know it’s going to be weird this year, knowing about Alexis and I guess… being involved in her family Christmas? She said that. I wonder what they do. It’s going to be weird to see what I might’ve had my whole life growing up.”
“Are you nervous? You’ve never talked about how Christmas was before you found your dad. I guess it was more of the awful stuff?” Sasha asked, careful not to navigate too deeply into that and upset Justin. He knew if he didn’t want to talk about it, he would say. Sometimes, he liked to give Justin the opening to remind him he could talk about his past if he needed to. Sometimes he did, other times he couldn’t face it. He knew since he found out Alexis was his birth mom, Justin had been struggling with his overall identity and what it meant.
“Yeah, I’m pretty nervous…” Justin poked at his salad and nibbled a piece of chicken. “Christmas back there was mostly just the religious bullshit with my grandparents. Dragging me to church and… I can’t even remember presents. I’m sure they got me some but I don’t remember. It was never a good time because, well… the pastor, you know? I did vandalize the church's nativity scene out front one year. I was so fucking angry. I think it was when I started having psychosis, I suppose. Who really knows. That’s all why I love Christmas so much now. It’s special. Never had anything like it before.”
Sasha was only really picking at his food. Listening to Justin was more important. He cherished these moments the most, when Justin opened up to him in ways Sasha knew he didn’t really so much with anyone else. “Before I met you, I remember watching an interview you did and it was this Q and A thing, where fans were able to Tweet questions the interviewer asked you. One of them was how you felt about religion. You shut it down right up, just saying something like you don’t want to talk about that, then made a joke about the question of whether you liked boxers or briefs was more interesting. I’m starting to realise how many signs of who you really are have been out in the stratosphere all along. There was also this rumour that when you did a visit to a children’s hospital, one of the kids told you they had been abused or molested. Something like that. And you cried because you were so touched. That really happened, huh?”
Justin nodded with a small shrug. “Yeah, it happened. I had them cut the footage of it out of what they published, though. Not because of me. I don’t care who the fuck sees me cry. Because the kid didn’t need that used as a PR pull. Shit, hey. That was a really long time ago. I think it was before I told anyone. You blow me away how much you remember. It’s like we had a connection for a really long time. If we hadn’t met, do you think you would’ve tried dating? I know it’s something you never felt an urge for.”
“My dad asked me this after I came out to them as ace. But I never actually came out to them as gay, which is probably strange. I just told them I was dating you and nothing ever felt strange about it. It was more adjusting to dating a celebrity than realising I was gay.” Sasha wiped his mouth with his napkin, pushing his bowl away now he had as much as he could manage. “I don’t think I would’ve. Besides losing Andi and shit, I think I just would’ve thrown myself into school and college, not having much of a life and been destined to a life as a workaholic. I’m not saying it would’ve been too hard, it’s just… I never had to try with you. Nothing felt forced or wrong. Not even when I started to realise what I was feeling wasn’t sexual attraction. Maybe I would’ve died a virgin,” he laughed.
“Did you tell your dad when you lost your virginity? I don’t think it’s strange. Not knowing the relationship you have with your folks. I always got the feeling they kind of knew but that you had to figure it out for yourself. Or maybe that it never mattered to them what you were, just so long as you found someone who made you happy and accepted you for all you are. Which was me. We’ve established I’m the luckiest fucker on the face of the earth.” Justin grinned, pushing his own plate aside. “People never believe me when I say being mentally ill was way harder to adjust to and live with than fame. Then again, I know my illnesses have meant I’ve had to be protected from a lot of what goes with being famous. It’s not the same for me as others like, say, Brandon. People are mostly okay accepting why I do or don’t do things, that it’s because I’m sick or need a timeout. Brandon didn’t get any of that, not even after he went public with the cancer. It just made them try to hound him even more. It sucks.”
Sasha nodded with a sheepish smile. “Oh, yeah. I totally told him basically the day after it happened. He guessed, though. Waited for me to tell him before he said he figured it out. You know, I actually told him too about the first time I bottomed, even though he’s straight as they come. I’ve always had that type of relationship with him. He still gave me advice. Once he knew I was gay, he looked it all up in case I needed advice. Mostly, it was just about making sure I talked to you about it all. Not to mention some amusing LOLs about you being hung,” he laughed, rubbing his toe against Justin’s leg beneath the table. He noticed through the other part of the restaurant there was a cleared area like a dancefloor near a jukebox. “I wasn’t surprised he and Merlin had a coming out plan, though. It let Brandon keep control of his own story. I wouldn’t want to die with people believing I was someone entirely different to who I was either. Do you wanna dance, baby?” he asked, nodding in the direction of the jukebox.
Justin looked over his shoulder to where Sash was nodding. He hadn’t even realised there was a jukebox, let alone a place to dance. “Fuck, yeah! Okay, I probably said that with way too much enthusiasm but I’m going to blame winning a Tony for a Broadway dance musical rather than being a shameless dance whore. And it’s slow music. Like I’m ever saying no to slow dancing with my man.” He didn’t even really care if no one else was up dancing and that it would probably draw some attention. Fuck it, if they recognised him, they would understand why he was dancing anyway. He stood up and offered Sasha his hand and they headed over to the small cubic polished floor just far enough away from tables to not disturb the diners. When they got through there, they realised there was a piano too. Sash laughed at him, knowing Justin’s fingers would be itching just at the sight of it. “I won’t! I won’t! I’ll be good,” he laughed and they went over to the jukebox to pick a song together, arms wrapped around each other.
“I totally wouldn’t mind if you did but I’m going to be selfish because I want to dance with you.” Sasha knew Justin didn’t carry cash and if he did, it was usually only a small amount in notes, so he took his wallet out to find some coins. Not before he accidentally dropped a strip of condoms on the floor though and quickly snatched them back up, shoving them in his pocket with a red face. He quickly checked to make sure no one saw. “Oh, jesus fuck! Here, you choose.” He handed Justin some coins and pushed the condoms further into his pocket to make sure they didn’t escape again.
Justin was laughing, still finding it adorable how bashful Sasha was - and always would be - about sex in general. He wasn’t a prude. He joked about it and had a good laugh when their friends mock-teased him about being ace, but if it ever came up with people he wasn’t close to, he was shy and adorable about it. He took the coins and dropped them into the machine, picking the number he wanted. “Speaking of losing your virginity…” He smiled, taking Sasha’s hand when Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran started to play, a song they were listening to right before their first time. They stepped onto the tiny dancefloor, holding each other and moving slowly to the music. He gave Sasha a soft kiss and rubbed their noses together. “Did you think we’d come this far back then?”
“I didn’t think you would,” Sasha admitted, pressing his lips together in an unspoken apology. “It was like each day I had with you was a bonus. It still is. Just with so much more at stake, I guess. I would never have guessed we’d get engaged, live together, have this whole big huge family together. “What about you? Did you wonder about a future? You probably just weren’t taking anything for granted, too scared to think further than a few days.”
“Actually, you were the first time I thought about a future in a very long time and it scared the nutsack off me, to be honest. When we were in London and everything was going so well. There was that day you weren’t feeling the best. You thought it might’ve been a migraine coming on so you stayed in bed and crashed out again. Remember? You told me to go out and have fun with Amarlie. I didn’t. I stayed in our room with you and just caught up on some rest too. That’s when I realised I was thinking beyond just now with you. You’d made it through a suicide attempt with me and you were still there. You were so worth being scared for,” Justin murmured, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Sasha’s. Then he found his lips easily in another unhurried kiss.
Sasha swept his hand over Justin’s back and looped his arms around his neck. “And now we get to be scared together? We’re pretty good at it, you have to admit.”
Justin nodded with a soft laugh, melting into the feeling of Sasha massaging the back of his neck like he always did when they were embraced like this. His fingers were a billion times better than the qualified massage therapists earlier in the day. “Do you think we could swing getting everyone up here for Thanksgiving? By everyone, I mean all our families including Alexis and… Andi’s.”
“A-Andi’s…?” Sasha took a little step back but only enough to see Justin’s face a little more clearly in the intimate lighting of the restaurant. This was the first time it even crossed his mind to come together with Andi’s family since her death and it was only because Justin was suggesting it. Andi was always more of a pre-Justin thing, even if Tori and Peyton lived in New York now and he saw them often. Peyton was one of the ER doctors who led Justin’s resus after the recent overdose. Andi had always more been a pre-Justin thing and her family were still very much grieving. It never crossed his mind for his pre-Andi and post-Andi life to come together, though now that Justin was saying it, he knew there was nothing pre-Andi or post-Andi. She was always part of his whole life.
“You don’t want that? We don’t have to. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, before I knew about Alexis. That Andi’s the biggest thing we can ever be thankful for. You talk a lot about the family times you had here with her and her family, so I thought… maybe we could do that for them again. You know me, I usually skip Thanksgiving and that’s not even because I consider myself mostly Aussie now and I hate turkey. It’s short notice but we could swing it. Not unless you’re ready. You haven’t celebrated since we got together because you told me it was something you always did with her family.” Justin put his hands on Sasha’s cheeks and gave him another tender kiss. “Don’t answer. Just think about it. We’ll pay the bill and head back to the lakehouse. You just let me know if you want to talk about it, okay?”
Justin paid for their dinner while Sasha grabbed their coats, both glad no one tried to ask for a sneaky selfie while they were on their date. The temperature had really dropped and they could feel the pending snow in the air. Sasha hiked the heat up in the car before they left the restaurant carpark. “Can’t wait to get home to the fire. We should take a bubble bath together,” Justin suggested, putting his hand on Sasha’s thigh like he always did when they drove places together.
Sasha laced his fingers with Justin’s, giving his hand a squeeze. “I want to do it.” He glanced at Justin and nodded. “Thanksgiving, I mean. But also the bath, yes. I just… I’m scared of what us being together without Andi is supposed to look like but I can’t run away from it forever and I know how much it’ll mean to them. This is bigger than me.”
“Not tonight, it’s not. Sometimes, you’re bigger than everything, Sash, even if you don’t believe that. It’s why I’m still here.” They hadn’t left the carpark yet, so Justin leaned over and gave Sasha a kiss, then wrapped his arms around him in a protective hug. “I love you, baby. I love you enough for me and for Andi. Always will.”
“I love you.” Sasha’s words were muffled against Justin’s shoulder while he clung to him and rubbed his back. “Never change, Jus. Never ever change.”
LOG, COMPLETE