Jaxson Valteri Colt (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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dreamlikenewyork2019-08-17 04:07 am
photoflashes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-08-17 04:07 am
"I'm standing on a stage of fear and self-doubt."
Who: Jaxson Colt and Paxton Carlyle (with Liam and Miles)
What: Pieces of memories
Where: ICU, Mount Sinai
When: After this
Jaxson was at home - aka, Brandon and Merlin’s place - taking a shower when his phone rang. Because things were pretty precarious with Brandon’s condition right now, he didn’t want to miss any calls in case he had taken a turn for the worse. If that happened, he was going to be at the hospital, no questions asked. He still had shampoo in his hair and suds on his body when he took the call, surprised to see it was Liam.
After Liam told him Paxton was a little more lucid now and was up to seeing him, Jaxson, of course, wanted to know if Paxton remembered him at all. He said Paxton had holes in his memory, it wasn’t isolated to Jaxson but Pax took the news about him well and asked to see him. Liam just told him to prepare himself that Pax might not be up to too much but he had recovered enough to understand when Liam told him about Jaxson and enough to ask to meet him. But Paxton still didn’t have any feeling in his legs and his speech wasn’t the best. Jaxson was prepared, he was just terrified because he didn’t want to distress Paxton in any way.
He was too distracted to bother with worrying about what to wear. After rinsing his hair as quickly as he could, he threw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt that probably wasn’t clean, and threw his leather jacket over it. He also asked Liam if he had any updates on Brandon and Merlin through Damien or Jesse and he confirmed they were both sleeping last Jesse looked in on them about an hour earlier. Jaxson wouldn’t disturb them. Visitation was already rationed but he was on the list of exceptions. He told Merlin he wouldn’t come by unannounced, though. He would always text first. He totally understood that there were going to be days from now on where Brandon wasn’t up to seeing anyone.
Liam was waiting for him when he arrived at the ICU and he was once again in his lab coat and scrubs. He had to be one of the hottest doctors here, no wonder Damien nabbed him for a third time. Third time lucky and all that. He had seen Damien and Liam together in Cape Cod and there was no doubt about the fact they were soul mates. Just like he knew Merlin and Brandon were, and Jesse and Jace. He wanted that one day. Not that he had a clue how to navigate something like that but if Brandon could pull it off, he didn’t think he was a total lost cause himself.
“You okay, mate?” Jaxson asked when he met Liam at the door to Paxton’s room. “You look exhausted. Has something happened?”
“Tale-end of a thirty-six hour on-call shift. I’m about to keel over but I really wanted to get you here to see him while we’ve got the window of opportunity. He’s doing okay, all things considered.” Liam nodded into the room and patted Jaxson on the back. “Come on, we’ll ease into it. But then I’m going to have to leave you to your own devices. I need sleep or I’m going to make myself sick. Don’t stress. If anything happens, just hit the call button for the nurses. Or if it’s not really anything medical but he just seems to be getting distressed, call Zander. He’s on shift in Oncology where Brandon is.”
“Hang on. How’s he been physically? Other than his legs, I mean. You said they couldn’t get him up because he kept getting sick with vertigo when they tried to sit him up too much. Is he feeling okay?” Jaxson asked, wanting nothing more than to go in there and give Paxton a hug but he knew he had to maintain his composure here.
Liam’s phone dinged and he took it out to check the notification. It was just some patient results he was being copied in on but he was off the clock now and the patient had already been handed over to a colleague. “It’s still an issue. They’ve only been able to get him up about forty-five degrees. Even lying, he’s been communicating dizziness and nausea. He also hasn’t been always able to communicate if he’s going to be sick. There’s some bags there for him, though. You’ll be able to tell if he’s not feeling well so just keep one handy. Sorry, I know you’re a bit puke phobic. Will you be okay if it happens?”
Jaxson nodded. “Yeah, it’s cool. I’m getting a little better. Brandon’s been unintentionally heaping me with exposure therapy,” he joked with a sheepish smirk and warily followed Liam into the room. Paxton was still attached to all the medical stuff that Jaxson had been fearing for weeks now seeing Brandon on. He never could have anticipated he would be experiencing it with a gorgeous guy he met at Brandon’s wedding and started to experience an inkling of feelings for before he fell dangerously sick.
Liam went back to Paxton’s bedside so he could see him, taking Paxton’s hand. “Pax, do you remember I was telling you about Jaxson? You met him at Merlin and Brandon’s wedding and took him to Paris with you. He was with you when you got sick. He’s here to see you, love.” He gestured Jaxson to come over and coaxed him to take over holding Paxton’s hand. “Speak slowly and clearly for him, okay? I’m going to leave you to it so I can sleep. I’ll see you soon, love.” He kissed Paxton’s head and left him in Jaxson’s capable hands.
It felt surreal for Jaxson to be holding Paxton’s hand. His hand was cool but soft, like he remembered them when they slept together in Paris. “Hey, there,” he greeted him, holding his hand carefully through the network of IV lines. The heart monitor was making those characteristic soft beeps and there was a gentle hissing of the oxygen he still needed. The rash was all-but gone now. It had been terrible by the time they got him in the ambulance once they landed in New York. “I know you don’t remember who I am but I’ve been worried about you. If you don’t want me here, you just have to say the word.”
Paxton watched Jaxson quietly for a period of time that would be an awkward silence had this not been the situation they were in. His eyes shifted to Jaxson’s hand holding his but his gaze soon crept back to Jaxson’s face. “I don’t know who Brandon is,” was the first thing he said, his voice still hoarse and weak. “You best friend. Liam said.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Do you remember a TV show called Wicked Symphony?” Jaxson asked him, now letting the tip of his thumb rub circles to Jaxson’s knuckles.
“I think so,” Paxton murmured, blinking slowly. “Your favourite show?”
Jaxson could understand what Liam meant by Paxton having gaps in his memory. He didn’t even remember Brandon’s presence. This might be more of a hurdle than he thought. “It is but not just because I’m a fan. Brandon Blake, he plays Saxon on the show, he’s my best friend and Merlin’s husband now. I was his Best Man and you and I, we met at their wedding.”
Paxton wasn’t aware of the details Jaxson was giving him. He was quiet while the information sunk into his mind. “... wow. I don’t remember. They said I’m sick. So… we’re together? Us? I thought Liam was still…” He didn’t finish that train of thought. It just wandered off into a broken thought. “He’s not. He said.”
“I’m kind of glad he’s not or you and I wouldn’t have hooked up.” Jaxson sat down on the side of the bed, still holding Paxton’s hand. If he was connecting the dots right here, Paxton’s short term memory seemed affected too. He knows Pax was told he had meningitis but he didn’t seem to have clarity about that. It was okay. Jaxson liked to think he was a patient guy. Liam said Paxton still had inflammation in the brain. Things would change as he recovered more and they would get a better idea of what long-term challenges he might have, if any. “We didn’t get to the point of agreeing to be together. We just met but I think we were both keen to try dating. I hope, anyway. We had fun, though.”
Paxton looked at Jaxson quietly again. “Did I make you sick?”
Jaxson shook his head, cool to just roll with Paxton’s lead here. He had no idea how much of what he was saying, Paxton was understanding or absorbing. Or, if he was taking it in, if he had the capacity to retain it. “They shoved me in an isolated room with Liam for a couple of days and gave us antibiotics to stop that.” He could see confusion when he said that. Paxton was taking time to respond to him but his eyes remained on Jaxson’s face the whole time. Other than fatigued lingering blinks, he was watching Jaxson closely.
“I… had sex with Liam?” Paxton’s question was more confused than any other comment. This didn’t make sense. Not much did but he remembered Liam telling him they weren’t together anymore. Why would they have sex if they weren’t together.
Jaxson realised the murky territory he accidentally stumbled into. “Um, no. You didn’t. But you guys had a friendly goodbye kiss at the wedding before you left for the airport. They were just making sure. Apparently swapping spit and jizz is high risk. We wrapped, though,” he quickly added.
Paxton closed his eyes when a little more pain settled in a sharp splice behind his eyes. “Damien… I… missed the wedding.”
Jaxson sat forward in surprise, holding Paxton’s hand just a little more secure. That was a big thing to remember. “Yeah. I mean, no. You didn’t miss it. They didn’t have it. You were worried about missing it. You remember he’s back with Damien?” Hopefully this wasn’t an old memory coming through. “Are you in pain, babe? I can call someone.”
“No, it just… everything hurts. I remember… I think. A bit. Um… how did we meet? Why were we on a plane? You look tired.” Paxton looked again to where Jaxson was holding his hand. A complete stranger wouldn’t be doing this. Something more had to have happened. His mind was just struggling to process everything. “You took my photo.”
“I did, yeah. Not for your job or anything. I took photos of you when were in Paris. I’m an artistic portrait photographer. We were at Merlin’s wedding and I spotted you at the bar. So, I asked Brandon who you were and found you were single. We had a drink together and, well, you had work in Paris so you invited me to come along. Like an extended booty call, I guess. But I know that’s not your vibe. You told me that before you got really sick.” Jaxson traced his thumb over Paxton’s finger. “If you don’t want me here, you can just say the word. I know you don’t know who I am. You don’t have to tolerate me if it doesn’t feel right.”
Paxton offered Jaxson a pained squint again the light. “You talk a lot.” Which was pretty much a nutshell version of the fact Paxton’s brain just wasn’t able to keep up with too much right now. “I know you, I just don’t remember. Gimme a break, I’m sick.”
Jaxson didn’t mean to laugh, but he did. Putting it like that, he could see the distinction. He also had to give Paxton smaller replies so he could understand. “I’m sorry. I’m just really nervous I’m going to screw up or… that I don’t even belong here. Is that light hurting your head?”
“Everything’s hurting. I just can’t see you very well with the lights.” Paxton released his loose hold on Jaxson’s hand, like he was just realising someone was holding his hand. Then his fingers closed around Jaxson’s again. “Don’t belong where?”
Jaxson remembered seeing Merlin play with those buttons on the side of the bed when Brandon had been a patient. He had turned lights on and off, or up and down. Something like that. He had a look to see if he could make sense of them and if he wanted to attempt to push anything in an ICU ward that looked like it functioned on life-saving buttons and buzzers. “Here with you, visiting in the ICU ward. It’s supposed to be family only. I’m not even… well, I’m not anything.” There was a lightbulb on one of the buttons so he pushed it and the light above the bed went off. He hoped he was allowed to switch it off. If not, they could kick his ass for it, need be. “Does that help a little?”
“It’s okay. Liam works here. He’s a surgeon. So does my brother. And Beau. And Miles. And Jesse…” With the brighter light gone, Paxton’s eyes turned back to Jaxson’s face. He blinked slowly, trying to clear his vision a little. “What’s your name?”
“I know, though, everytime I look at Liam, I think he’s missed his calling as a supermodel. But they nailed it with you.” Jaxson smiled and rubbed Paxton’s fingers. “Jaxson, with an X, like your name. You get Pax for short and I get Jax. Beau said we apparently sound like a pack of gum together.”
Paxton managed a slight snort of amusement. “Sounds like Beau.” Now the light was dimmed, he could see Jaxson’s face. “Rusty Nail…”
That took Jaxson by such surprise, his mouth dropped open. “You… remembered my drink order?” Either that, or Paxton was having some freaky coincidental hallucination of some sort. He was figuring by this point that the recovery of Paxton’s functioning mind probably had no predictable course. He didn’t remember what happened between him and Jaxson but he seemed to have some patchy recollections of Jaxson’s presence.
Paxton closed his eyes again, unable to give Jaxson confirmation. He didn’t really know where the snippets of memory were coming from. He felt hot, and sick, and suddenly really homesick. Not to mention a whole lot of other things he couldn’t actually identify. He was getting frustrated because he couldn’t remember Jaxson and then a panic hit him. He let go of Jaxson’s hand, pushing it away from him to try and sit up, starting to cry when anger at himself hit. “I-I need a nurse. Please, go away! I need a nurse!”
Jaxson had no idea what was happening but it sounded bad and he was worried Paxton was going to hurt himself trying to sit, especially when Liam said his balance was off and he had been getting sick trying to sit. Then he was pretty sure he knew what was going on and it would explain why Paxton was upset. “It’s okay, babe. I’ll get someone for you.” He didn’t want to try to figure out what button to press for a nurse so he ran out to the nurses station and thankfully there was a familiar face there. “Hey, hi. Miles, right? I think Paxton might’ve had an accident. He just started freaking out and getting upset. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset him.”
Miles got up from his observation computer and came around the desk. “It’s okay, mate. Why dinnae you go grab a wee cuppa and I’ll take care of him. Give us about half an hour, aye? Dinnae blame yourself, his body’s isnae playing along with him right now.”
Helplessly, Jaxson watched Miles and his nurse partner head into Paxton’s room to help him. He didn’t even know where to get coffee in this place. He briefly considered going to check how Brandon was holding up but Merlin, via Damien, had asked that he and Brandon have time alone right now. Jaxson knew he was an exception the rule because Merlin texted him to let him know that but he wanted to give them the space they needed. No one knew what they were going through and only they could decide what they needed.
Jaxson hung in the hallway like a zit on a dick for way too long before he finally thought to ask a nurse where he could get coffee. She led him to a family room which had a kitchen family members could make tea or coffee or get something to eat. He looked at the sandwiches on offer but only to give him something to do. He paced in the kitchen, found a window to look out for awhile, sent Brandon a text telling him he was thinking about him but that he didn’t have to reply, called his mum to make sure they got back to Australia okay. That was a good distraction for him. Both his parents and his sister wanted all the updates on Brandon but he didn’t have a lot. All they could all do was hope for the best… because Brandon specifically requested no one pray for him, let alone tell him they were sending him ‘thoughts and prayers’. He was the most atheist atheist to ever atheist.
It felt like the longest half hour of his life. Or maybe the second longest. That last leg of the flight when he was terrified Paxton would die felt like it lasted three days, not three hours. Eventually, he realised he hadn’t touched his cup of coffee and it had started to cool in the mug. He jumped with a squeak of surprise when he heard his name, splashing a bit of coffee down his shirt. He turned away from the window to where Miles had come into the waiting room, brushing the brown drops from his shirt. “Is he okay?”
“Aye. You want to come take a seat with me for a wee minute, Jax?” Miles guided Jaxson over to the nook of armchairs by the window and sat down.
Jaxson followed, watching Miles’ face because he seriously through for a moment or two he was going to tell him Paxton had crashed and died. His nerves were clearly shot. Everything with Brandon and then the unexpected appearance of Paxton in his life, he was starting to get a subjective clue on how Merlin had been feeling lately. “Did he…?” He stopped before finishing the question because he didn’t know the right way to actually ask without sticking his nose into Paxton’s private business. “Okay, um… I know it happened when he was sick on the plane. Liam explained to me why. But I thought he was getting better and that seems serious. Sorry, I’m an adult and can say the words but I’m so conscious he barely knows who I am and I’m crashing all this without belonging here and that’s so freaking private.”
Miles gave Jaxson a sympathetic smile. “It’s okay, I understand. In nurse language, we call it bowel incontinence and it’s a neurological symptom. When the signals our brain sends to our body to tell us when we need to pee or poop get disrupted by injury or illness, it can stop us identifying any urge to go. Paxton’s asked me to talk to you about this okay? He doesnae know what’s happening to his body and he cannae identify how he’s actually feeling. These are all neurological issues that have been screwed up from the virus in his brain cells, which still have significant inflammation. Until the inflammation goes down, it’s impossible to know if anything of this might be permanent.” He put his hand on Jaxson’s arm. “Now for the good news. He remembers being with you in Paris. Wee bits anyway. He just wasnae sure it was you he was remembering. If we didnae think he was okay to have you here, Liam wouldnae have given the green light for it. He’s Paxton’s medical proxy.”
Jaxson had his fingers resting over his mouth as he listened. He had been expecting Miles to sit him down to gently advise him he had to leave because Paxton didn’t want him there and he wouldn’t have blamed him for it at all. “You mean, there’s a chance it could be permanent? That he might be incontinent, I mean. Like he might not ever be able to feel his legs again, just like Jesse was left with epilepsy when he had this thing?” He sat back with a heavy sigh. “... is that who decides to pull the plug if you’re on life support? Kind of like what Merlin is the Brandon? That’s not what they called the document Brandon did, though. I don’t think. It was a Five something or other. Hang on, he remembers Paris? Shit, what part? Because, um… yeah. You can guess, you probably heard the stuff from Liam.”
“Aye, we do try to recommend loved ones prepare themselves for the possibility of long term issues like this. The truth of the matter at the moment now is, it’s too soon to know. This is what we’re dealing with now. But there’s a chance he’s just not feeling well and his belly’s upset from anything from medication, maybe a wee infection, that he’s in too much pain to feel an urge. Evan’s his consulting neurologist, so he’ll have more answers when he assess again. You just got to take a few pointers from Merlin and be here so he can keep anchoring the memories with you. It might be the key to helping him regain his memory.” Miles smirked and shook his head. “Dinnae worry. He doesnae have an amateur porn video running in his mind. He remembers pieces, it isnae linear memories. Now, head back in. I’ve just given him a wee bit more something for his pain so he’ll probably sleep. But you’re okay to sit with him if you want to. Here. Write down any questions that come to mind. You can ask Liam or Evan more about them.” He gave Jaxson a little palm notepad with a pen.
“Thanks…” Jaxson slipped them into the pocket of his jeans. “Miles, did he indicate in anyway that he wants me here or he’s just tolerating it? I couldn’t get him to indicate either way. He’s so all over the place and lost. I don’t want to make any of this stressful or upsetting for him.”
Miles stood up, adjusting his stethoscope around his neck. “He remembers wanting to get to know you better. So, you arenae really in a different spot to when you flew back home with him. It’s just up to you whether you can handle his challenges without knowing a prognosis.”
Jaxson stood too and it hit him how parallel to Brandon and Merlin all this was. Merlin had been faced with the same decision and he accepted Brandon’s challenges with open arms. “I can. I might need it all spelled out to me in laymen’s terms but that’s why I’m here. He just feels so out of my league.”
“Ach, buddy, we all feel like that when we’re dipping our toes into a romance. They always feel a wee bit like they were dropped from heaven and we arenae worthy. It’s harder when there are challenges but dinnae think your default is to fuck it up. Us humans can be resilient when we need to. Compassion and care dinnae need to be learned, it’s innate in us. We just need to know it’s okay to give it. Remember to take care of yourself too, though, or you willnae have the strength to go the distance.” Miles gave him a wink and pointed to the fridge. “Take a sandwich. You’ll need it.”
Jaxson noticed Miles had a wedding ring on, reminding him he was married and a worthy source of reference on this stuff. If he remembered rightly, his husband worked here somewhere too. He went to the fridge and grabbed a sandwich, too distracted to check what was on it. When he got back to Paxton’s room, Paxton was asleep like Miles predicted. He pulled the chair up beside the bed again and took Paxton’s hand to hold while he slept. Whatever happened next, at least he had some awesome people around him to give him advice on how to get this right.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Pieces of memories
Where: ICU, Mount Sinai
When: After this
Jaxson was at home - aka, Brandon and Merlin’s place - taking a shower when his phone rang. Because things were pretty precarious with Brandon’s condition right now, he didn’t want to miss any calls in case he had taken a turn for the worse. If that happened, he was going to be at the hospital, no questions asked. He still had shampoo in his hair and suds on his body when he took the call, surprised to see it was Liam.
After Liam told him Paxton was a little more lucid now and was up to seeing him, Jaxson, of course, wanted to know if Paxton remembered him at all. He said Paxton had holes in his memory, it wasn’t isolated to Jaxson but Pax took the news about him well and asked to see him. Liam just told him to prepare himself that Pax might not be up to too much but he had recovered enough to understand when Liam told him about Jaxson and enough to ask to meet him. But Paxton still didn’t have any feeling in his legs and his speech wasn’t the best. Jaxson was prepared, he was just terrified because he didn’t want to distress Paxton in any way.
He was too distracted to bother with worrying about what to wear. After rinsing his hair as quickly as he could, he threw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt that probably wasn’t clean, and threw his leather jacket over it. He also asked Liam if he had any updates on Brandon and Merlin through Damien or Jesse and he confirmed they were both sleeping last Jesse looked in on them about an hour earlier. Jaxson wouldn’t disturb them. Visitation was already rationed but he was on the list of exceptions. He told Merlin he wouldn’t come by unannounced, though. He would always text first. He totally understood that there were going to be days from now on where Brandon wasn’t up to seeing anyone.
Liam was waiting for him when he arrived at the ICU and he was once again in his lab coat and scrubs. He had to be one of the hottest doctors here, no wonder Damien nabbed him for a third time. Third time lucky and all that. He had seen Damien and Liam together in Cape Cod and there was no doubt about the fact they were soul mates. Just like he knew Merlin and Brandon were, and Jesse and Jace. He wanted that one day. Not that he had a clue how to navigate something like that but if Brandon could pull it off, he didn’t think he was a total lost cause himself.
“You okay, mate?” Jaxson asked when he met Liam at the door to Paxton’s room. “You look exhausted. Has something happened?”
“Tale-end of a thirty-six hour on-call shift. I’m about to keel over but I really wanted to get you here to see him while we’ve got the window of opportunity. He’s doing okay, all things considered.” Liam nodded into the room and patted Jaxson on the back. “Come on, we’ll ease into it. But then I’m going to have to leave you to your own devices. I need sleep or I’m going to make myself sick. Don’t stress. If anything happens, just hit the call button for the nurses. Or if it’s not really anything medical but he just seems to be getting distressed, call Zander. He’s on shift in Oncology where Brandon is.”
“Hang on. How’s he been physically? Other than his legs, I mean. You said they couldn’t get him up because he kept getting sick with vertigo when they tried to sit him up too much. Is he feeling okay?” Jaxson asked, wanting nothing more than to go in there and give Paxton a hug but he knew he had to maintain his composure here.
Liam’s phone dinged and he took it out to check the notification. It was just some patient results he was being copied in on but he was off the clock now and the patient had already been handed over to a colleague. “It’s still an issue. They’ve only been able to get him up about forty-five degrees. Even lying, he’s been communicating dizziness and nausea. He also hasn’t been always able to communicate if he’s going to be sick. There’s some bags there for him, though. You’ll be able to tell if he’s not feeling well so just keep one handy. Sorry, I know you’re a bit puke phobic. Will you be okay if it happens?”
Jaxson nodded. “Yeah, it’s cool. I’m getting a little better. Brandon’s been unintentionally heaping me with exposure therapy,” he joked with a sheepish smirk and warily followed Liam into the room. Paxton was still attached to all the medical stuff that Jaxson had been fearing for weeks now seeing Brandon on. He never could have anticipated he would be experiencing it with a gorgeous guy he met at Brandon’s wedding and started to experience an inkling of feelings for before he fell dangerously sick.
Liam went back to Paxton’s bedside so he could see him, taking Paxton’s hand. “Pax, do you remember I was telling you about Jaxson? You met him at Merlin and Brandon’s wedding and took him to Paris with you. He was with you when you got sick. He’s here to see you, love.” He gestured Jaxson to come over and coaxed him to take over holding Paxton’s hand. “Speak slowly and clearly for him, okay? I’m going to leave you to it so I can sleep. I’ll see you soon, love.” He kissed Paxton’s head and left him in Jaxson’s capable hands.
It felt surreal for Jaxson to be holding Paxton’s hand. His hand was cool but soft, like he remembered them when they slept together in Paris. “Hey, there,” he greeted him, holding his hand carefully through the network of IV lines. The heart monitor was making those characteristic soft beeps and there was a gentle hissing of the oxygen he still needed. The rash was all-but gone now. It had been terrible by the time they got him in the ambulance once they landed in New York. “I know you don’t remember who I am but I’ve been worried about you. If you don’t want me here, you just have to say the word.”
Paxton watched Jaxson quietly for a period of time that would be an awkward silence had this not been the situation they were in. His eyes shifted to Jaxson’s hand holding his but his gaze soon crept back to Jaxson’s face. “I don’t know who Brandon is,” was the first thing he said, his voice still hoarse and weak. “You best friend. Liam said.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Do you remember a TV show called Wicked Symphony?” Jaxson asked him, now letting the tip of his thumb rub circles to Jaxson’s knuckles.
“I think so,” Paxton murmured, blinking slowly. “Your favourite show?”
Jaxson could understand what Liam meant by Paxton having gaps in his memory. He didn’t even remember Brandon’s presence. This might be more of a hurdle than he thought. “It is but not just because I’m a fan. Brandon Blake, he plays Saxon on the show, he’s my best friend and Merlin’s husband now. I was his Best Man and you and I, we met at their wedding.”
Paxton wasn’t aware of the details Jaxson was giving him. He was quiet while the information sunk into his mind. “... wow. I don’t remember. They said I’m sick. So… we’re together? Us? I thought Liam was still…” He didn’t finish that train of thought. It just wandered off into a broken thought. “He’s not. He said.”
“I’m kind of glad he’s not or you and I wouldn’t have hooked up.” Jaxson sat down on the side of the bed, still holding Paxton’s hand. If he was connecting the dots right here, Paxton’s short term memory seemed affected too. He knows Pax was told he had meningitis but he didn’t seem to have clarity about that. It was okay. Jaxson liked to think he was a patient guy. Liam said Paxton still had inflammation in the brain. Things would change as he recovered more and they would get a better idea of what long-term challenges he might have, if any. “We didn’t get to the point of agreeing to be together. We just met but I think we were both keen to try dating. I hope, anyway. We had fun, though.”
Paxton looked at Jaxson quietly again. “Did I make you sick?”
Jaxson shook his head, cool to just roll with Paxton’s lead here. He had no idea how much of what he was saying, Paxton was understanding or absorbing. Or, if he was taking it in, if he had the capacity to retain it. “They shoved me in an isolated room with Liam for a couple of days and gave us antibiotics to stop that.” He could see confusion when he said that. Paxton was taking time to respond to him but his eyes remained on Jaxson’s face the whole time. Other than fatigued lingering blinks, he was watching Jaxson closely.
“I… had sex with Liam?” Paxton’s question was more confused than any other comment. This didn’t make sense. Not much did but he remembered Liam telling him they weren’t together anymore. Why would they have sex if they weren’t together.
Jaxson realised the murky territory he accidentally stumbled into. “Um, no. You didn’t. But you guys had a friendly goodbye kiss at the wedding before you left for the airport. They were just making sure. Apparently swapping spit and jizz is high risk. We wrapped, though,” he quickly added.
Paxton closed his eyes when a little more pain settled in a sharp splice behind his eyes. “Damien… I… missed the wedding.”
Jaxson sat forward in surprise, holding Paxton’s hand just a little more secure. That was a big thing to remember. “Yeah. I mean, no. You didn’t miss it. They didn’t have it. You were worried about missing it. You remember he’s back with Damien?” Hopefully this wasn’t an old memory coming through. “Are you in pain, babe? I can call someone.”
“No, it just… everything hurts. I remember… I think. A bit. Um… how did we meet? Why were we on a plane? You look tired.” Paxton looked again to where Jaxson was holding his hand. A complete stranger wouldn’t be doing this. Something more had to have happened. His mind was just struggling to process everything. “You took my photo.”
“I did, yeah. Not for your job or anything. I took photos of you when were in Paris. I’m an artistic portrait photographer. We were at Merlin’s wedding and I spotted you at the bar. So, I asked Brandon who you were and found you were single. We had a drink together and, well, you had work in Paris so you invited me to come along. Like an extended booty call, I guess. But I know that’s not your vibe. You told me that before you got really sick.” Jaxson traced his thumb over Paxton’s finger. “If you don’t want me here, you can just say the word. I know you don’t know who I am. You don’t have to tolerate me if it doesn’t feel right.”
Paxton offered Jaxson a pained squint again the light. “You talk a lot.” Which was pretty much a nutshell version of the fact Paxton’s brain just wasn’t able to keep up with too much right now. “I know you, I just don’t remember. Gimme a break, I’m sick.”
Jaxson didn’t mean to laugh, but he did. Putting it like that, he could see the distinction. He also had to give Paxton smaller replies so he could understand. “I’m sorry. I’m just really nervous I’m going to screw up or… that I don’t even belong here. Is that light hurting your head?”
“Everything’s hurting. I just can’t see you very well with the lights.” Paxton released his loose hold on Jaxson’s hand, like he was just realising someone was holding his hand. Then his fingers closed around Jaxson’s again. “Don’t belong where?”
Jaxson remembered seeing Merlin play with those buttons on the side of the bed when Brandon had been a patient. He had turned lights on and off, or up and down. Something like that. He had a look to see if he could make sense of them and if he wanted to attempt to push anything in an ICU ward that looked like it functioned on life-saving buttons and buzzers. “Here with you, visiting in the ICU ward. It’s supposed to be family only. I’m not even… well, I’m not anything.” There was a lightbulb on one of the buttons so he pushed it and the light above the bed went off. He hoped he was allowed to switch it off. If not, they could kick his ass for it, need be. “Does that help a little?”
“It’s okay. Liam works here. He’s a surgeon. So does my brother. And Beau. And Miles. And Jesse…” With the brighter light gone, Paxton’s eyes turned back to Jaxson’s face. He blinked slowly, trying to clear his vision a little. “What’s your name?”
“I know, though, everytime I look at Liam, I think he’s missed his calling as a supermodel. But they nailed it with you.” Jaxson smiled and rubbed Paxton’s fingers. “Jaxson, with an X, like your name. You get Pax for short and I get Jax. Beau said we apparently sound like a pack of gum together.”
Paxton managed a slight snort of amusement. “Sounds like Beau.” Now the light was dimmed, he could see Jaxson’s face. “Rusty Nail…”
That took Jaxson by such surprise, his mouth dropped open. “You… remembered my drink order?” Either that, or Paxton was having some freaky coincidental hallucination of some sort. He was figuring by this point that the recovery of Paxton’s functioning mind probably had no predictable course. He didn’t remember what happened between him and Jaxson but he seemed to have some patchy recollections of Jaxson’s presence.
Paxton closed his eyes again, unable to give Jaxson confirmation. He didn’t really know where the snippets of memory were coming from. He felt hot, and sick, and suddenly really homesick. Not to mention a whole lot of other things he couldn’t actually identify. He was getting frustrated because he couldn’t remember Jaxson and then a panic hit him. He let go of Jaxson’s hand, pushing it away from him to try and sit up, starting to cry when anger at himself hit. “I-I need a nurse. Please, go away! I need a nurse!”
Jaxson had no idea what was happening but it sounded bad and he was worried Paxton was going to hurt himself trying to sit, especially when Liam said his balance was off and he had been getting sick trying to sit. Then he was pretty sure he knew what was going on and it would explain why Paxton was upset. “It’s okay, babe. I’ll get someone for you.” He didn’t want to try to figure out what button to press for a nurse so he ran out to the nurses station and thankfully there was a familiar face there. “Hey, hi. Miles, right? I think Paxton might’ve had an accident. He just started freaking out and getting upset. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset him.”
Miles got up from his observation computer and came around the desk. “It’s okay, mate. Why dinnae you go grab a wee cuppa and I’ll take care of him. Give us about half an hour, aye? Dinnae blame yourself, his body’s isnae playing along with him right now.”
Helplessly, Jaxson watched Miles and his nurse partner head into Paxton’s room to help him. He didn’t even know where to get coffee in this place. He briefly considered going to check how Brandon was holding up but Merlin, via Damien, had asked that he and Brandon have time alone right now. Jaxson knew he was an exception the rule because Merlin texted him to let him know that but he wanted to give them the space they needed. No one knew what they were going through and only they could decide what they needed.
Jaxson hung in the hallway like a zit on a dick for way too long before he finally thought to ask a nurse where he could get coffee. She led him to a family room which had a kitchen family members could make tea or coffee or get something to eat. He looked at the sandwiches on offer but only to give him something to do. He paced in the kitchen, found a window to look out for awhile, sent Brandon a text telling him he was thinking about him but that he didn’t have to reply, called his mum to make sure they got back to Australia okay. That was a good distraction for him. Both his parents and his sister wanted all the updates on Brandon but he didn’t have a lot. All they could all do was hope for the best… because Brandon specifically requested no one pray for him, let alone tell him they were sending him ‘thoughts and prayers’. He was the most atheist atheist to ever atheist.
It felt like the longest half hour of his life. Or maybe the second longest. That last leg of the flight when he was terrified Paxton would die felt like it lasted three days, not three hours. Eventually, he realised he hadn’t touched his cup of coffee and it had started to cool in the mug. He jumped with a squeak of surprise when he heard his name, splashing a bit of coffee down his shirt. He turned away from the window to where Miles had come into the waiting room, brushing the brown drops from his shirt. “Is he okay?”
“Aye. You want to come take a seat with me for a wee minute, Jax?” Miles guided Jaxson over to the nook of armchairs by the window and sat down.
Jaxson followed, watching Miles’ face because he seriously through for a moment or two he was going to tell him Paxton had crashed and died. His nerves were clearly shot. Everything with Brandon and then the unexpected appearance of Paxton in his life, he was starting to get a subjective clue on how Merlin had been feeling lately. “Did he…?” He stopped before finishing the question because he didn’t know the right way to actually ask without sticking his nose into Paxton’s private business. “Okay, um… I know it happened when he was sick on the plane. Liam explained to me why. But I thought he was getting better and that seems serious. Sorry, I’m an adult and can say the words but I’m so conscious he barely knows who I am and I’m crashing all this without belonging here and that’s so freaking private.”
Miles gave Jaxson a sympathetic smile. “It’s okay, I understand. In nurse language, we call it bowel incontinence and it’s a neurological symptom. When the signals our brain sends to our body to tell us when we need to pee or poop get disrupted by injury or illness, it can stop us identifying any urge to go. Paxton’s asked me to talk to you about this okay? He doesnae know what’s happening to his body and he cannae identify how he’s actually feeling. These are all neurological issues that have been screwed up from the virus in his brain cells, which still have significant inflammation. Until the inflammation goes down, it’s impossible to know if anything of this might be permanent.” He put his hand on Jaxson’s arm. “Now for the good news. He remembers being with you in Paris. Wee bits anyway. He just wasnae sure it was you he was remembering. If we didnae think he was okay to have you here, Liam wouldnae have given the green light for it. He’s Paxton’s medical proxy.”
Jaxson had his fingers resting over his mouth as he listened. He had been expecting Miles to sit him down to gently advise him he had to leave because Paxton didn’t want him there and he wouldn’t have blamed him for it at all. “You mean, there’s a chance it could be permanent? That he might be incontinent, I mean. Like he might not ever be able to feel his legs again, just like Jesse was left with epilepsy when he had this thing?” He sat back with a heavy sigh. “... is that who decides to pull the plug if you’re on life support? Kind of like what Merlin is the Brandon? That’s not what they called the document Brandon did, though. I don’t think. It was a Five something or other. Hang on, he remembers Paris? Shit, what part? Because, um… yeah. You can guess, you probably heard the stuff from Liam.”
“Aye, we do try to recommend loved ones prepare themselves for the possibility of long term issues like this. The truth of the matter at the moment now is, it’s too soon to know. This is what we’re dealing with now. But there’s a chance he’s just not feeling well and his belly’s upset from anything from medication, maybe a wee infection, that he’s in too much pain to feel an urge. Evan’s his consulting neurologist, so he’ll have more answers when he assess again. You just got to take a few pointers from Merlin and be here so he can keep anchoring the memories with you. It might be the key to helping him regain his memory.” Miles smirked and shook his head. “Dinnae worry. He doesnae have an amateur porn video running in his mind. He remembers pieces, it isnae linear memories. Now, head back in. I’ve just given him a wee bit more something for his pain so he’ll probably sleep. But you’re okay to sit with him if you want to. Here. Write down any questions that come to mind. You can ask Liam or Evan more about them.” He gave Jaxson a little palm notepad with a pen.
“Thanks…” Jaxson slipped them into the pocket of his jeans. “Miles, did he indicate in anyway that he wants me here or he’s just tolerating it? I couldn’t get him to indicate either way. He’s so all over the place and lost. I don’t want to make any of this stressful or upsetting for him.”
Miles stood up, adjusting his stethoscope around his neck. “He remembers wanting to get to know you better. So, you arenae really in a different spot to when you flew back home with him. It’s just up to you whether you can handle his challenges without knowing a prognosis.”
Jaxson stood too and it hit him how parallel to Brandon and Merlin all this was. Merlin had been faced with the same decision and he accepted Brandon’s challenges with open arms. “I can. I might need it all spelled out to me in laymen’s terms but that’s why I’m here. He just feels so out of my league.”
“Ach, buddy, we all feel like that when we’re dipping our toes into a romance. They always feel a wee bit like they were dropped from heaven and we arenae worthy. It’s harder when there are challenges but dinnae think your default is to fuck it up. Us humans can be resilient when we need to. Compassion and care dinnae need to be learned, it’s innate in us. We just need to know it’s okay to give it. Remember to take care of yourself too, though, or you willnae have the strength to go the distance.” Miles gave him a wink and pointed to the fridge. “Take a sandwich. You’ll need it.”
Jaxson noticed Miles had a wedding ring on, reminding him he was married and a worthy source of reference on this stuff. If he remembered rightly, his husband worked here somewhere too. He went to the fridge and grabbed a sandwich, too distracted to check what was on it. When he got back to Paxton’s room, Paxton was asleep like Miles predicted. He pulled the chair up beside the bed again and took Paxton’s hand to hold while he slept. Whatever happened next, at least he had some awesome people around him to give him advice on how to get this right.
LOG, COMPLETE