"Revelations and heartaches make you realize I was always in front of you."

[wannabesurgeon]

Who: Liam Morgan and Paxton Carlyle with a little bit of Damaien Larson
What: Working through it
Where: Morgan/Watson/Carlyle/Larson Apartment, NYC
When: Same time as this

It had been a hell of a ‘break’ away in Cape Cod and the ride home proved to be just as eventful when Jace had a seizure on the final leg of the drive. Liam and Damien drove with Jesse and Jace in case of this type of emergency (Jace couldn’t fly) while Merlin, Brandon, Wesley, and Noah flew home on Brandon’s private jet. They would have arrived home hours ago and Merlin and Brandon would go straight from the airport to the hospital for Brandon’s chemo session.

Liam realised how tired he was after the drive and helping Jesse get Jace home safely when he tried to open the apartment door with his phone and then fumbled his keys and dropped them twice. “I’m seriously knackered,” he murmured, giving Damien a tired smile after stooping to pick them up again. “I wish we could crawl into bed together for one hell of a nap. Shame you have to pick up your parents from the airport.” He leaned in so they could share a soft kiss but it inevitably turned into something longer and more heated when Damien pressed Liam up against the door in their embrace.

Damien groaned and reluctantly broke the kiss, shifted to adjust himself in his jeans. “Probably ain’t a bad thing ‘cause I doubt I’d be wanting to do much napping. Anyway, we gotta deliver our news to our folks sooner rather than later so they have a week to recover from the shock that their eldest is getting married without a wedding and their youngest is marrying a guy who could die in a matter of months.” He shook his head and followed Liam into the apartment once he finally got the door open, his bag and guitar slung over his shoulders.

“You need me to write them a script for Valium?” Liam joked, smirking at Damien as he dumped his bag in the hall and tossed his keys on the dining table as he passed. But as soon as he walked into the living room, he stopped short and dropped his phone when he saw they weren’t alone. Which in itself wasn’t the shock because he lived in a shared apartment. It was the who they suddenly weren’t alone with. “P-Pax.”

Paxton was perched on the edge of the sofa and gave Liam a little wave. “Hey,” he murmured and then his gaze shifted to Damien who had come up beside Liam. He rested his tongue between his lips and looked away. He had really been hoping Liam would be alone when he got him, which was almost two hours later than the estimated time of arrival Beau gave Paxton when he arrived before he had to leave for work. He hadn’t even been able to catch up with Zander yet, who was crashed out after a harrowing nightshift.

Liam was lost for words and felt awkward, not really sure how the hell he was supposed to navigate this particular situation. The last he heard, Paxton had no plans of returning to New York because he had an ongoing modelling contract with a designer in London, his hometown. He cleared his throat and gave Damien an apologetic look.

Damien understood. More than. This was one of the weirdest situations he had been in ever but he knew Liam and Paxton had an epic fuckton of shit to sort through. He knew it was his cue to exit, stage left. Which was fine, he had to pick his parents up from the airport anyway and he didn’t want to make this more awkward for Liam or Paxton than it already was. “I better head anyway. Need to get Brandon home from the hospital before we head to the airport. See you in the morning?”

Liam nodded and they didn’t kiss. That wouldn’t be fair on Paxton before they had the chance to work through things. He wasn’t sure he was ready for this but maybe that was for the best because they might never feel ready. He looked at Paxton quietly, who was still looking away like he was expecting a kiss to happen. Liam waited until he heard the door close when Damien left and he took his jacket off, draping it over the back of the nearby armchair. “I… didn’t think you had plans to come home. Uh, back. Plans to come back,” he corrected because he wasn’t sure if Paxton considered New York home anymore, or even this apartment that they had shared with Beau and Zander before they they broke up.

“I didn’t either,” Paxton admitted with a little shrug and finally loosened his posture from the stiff perch on the edge of the seat to slump back against the cushions, stretching his legs. “Sorry, I thought you’d be on your own. I don’t know why I assumed that.”

“It’s okay. He’s, um, got family stuff happening anyway.” Liam hesitated even if just for a moment before he sat in the armchair with his jacket. “Are you okay? You look wiped out. It is--”

“No,” Paxton quickly cut Liam off before he got too far on that train of thought, thinking it was because news that Liam and Damien were back together was causing him to look like this. It had been a shock when Zander Skyped him and hinted that he should brace himself for it but he had been doing his best to work through it these past few weeks. Maybe not entirely succeeding but it was a valiant effort. “It’s jetlag. I’ve flown from Australia to Paris to Scotland to London to here in the last week. And I’ve got a wicked flu, so…”

Liam frowned, sitting forward. “Have you taken something for it?” Without even thinking, he was out of the chair and feeling Paxton’s forehead. “Oh, bloody hell. You’re burning up. You need to at least get some Tylenol into you to bring the fever down. You should be in bed. What are you doing up?” He went over to the kitchenette and found some Tylenol in the cabinet above the microwave and a bottle of water from the fridge. When he came back, he took the spot beside Paxton this time, putting the two pills into his palm and offering him the water.

Paxton looked at the pills with a faint smirk. “Some things never change. Once a doctor, always a doctor.” He didn’t protest. He obediently took the pills and washed them down with some water. “Honestly, I didn’t know if should stay here. Zan said Damien’s moved in, so I just… I don’t know. I’m not here to be a pain in the arse and act like some jealous cunt when I brought everything on myself but once I heard you were back together with him, I guess I just didn’t want shit to stay bad between us. Or not even bad, just absent. I miss you. But I know I don’t even deserve to feel that.”

“I’ve missed you too. Nothing’s simple, Pax. Fuck. Look… I don’t blame you. You were roofied and you were drunk. I just couldn’t pick up again after that. I didn’t know how. It was fucking with my head. It just felt like a sign that we weren’t meant to be. Not like that anyway.” Liam massaged the back of his neck, as if it would somehow help him better articulate what was going on in his head and heart. He had a massive bomb to drop on Paxton now he was here too but he didn’t know how. “Why the hell were you in Australia?”

Paxton grabbed a cushion to hug and slumped further down in the sofa to find a comfortable position. “Australian Fashion Week. Weather was cold as fuck. I think I caught germs on the long-haul flight.” He turned his head to watch Liam quietly, definitely feeling the same level of confusion and even fear that they might never get their friendship truly back on track after trying a romantic relationship, even getting engaged, and then it all going wrong when Paxton got into a bad situation at an A-Lister fashion party and cheated on Liam when he was drunk and trashed from being the victim of an unfortunate roofie. “I still regret everything. I don’t remember it but I still regret it. I remember waking up in the hospital sick as a dog after a stomach pumping and alcohol poisoning. Karmic punishment. I scared myself shitless knowing I put myself in that position. But, um… Zan gave me the head’s up about you and Damien, that you’d gone away to some beach getaway and there was a chance you’d probably get back together. He didn’t want me blindsided.”

Liam wet his lips and sighed, shifting back in the seat to slump down with Paxton. They may as well both be comfortable fo what was otherwise a really fucking hard - but vital - conversation. “If that why you came home? Some more self-imposed karmic punishment. I’m glad they got you to a hospital but you didn’t need to be punished like that. Or at all. Shit happens.”

“Yeah, that definitely happened after the stomach pump. I had stomach pain and the trots for fucking days after that activated charcoal shite. Really was not a good look for a high profile fashion shoot that’s supposed to be going up on billboard around the world. I think it was all to make sure I never bloody do that shit again.” Paxton shook his head, lips twisting to the side. “That’s not really why I came home. I guess that was just the push I needed to face the music and come home. I just felt like it was time to try to fix things. I wanted to see if you were okay too. Zan said your depression’s been acting up. You had a difficult patient that triggered a lot for you. Zan said something too about Merlin having a boyfriend who has cancer? That’s some pretty epic stress for Damien, which would knock-on to you by default.”

“There’s nothing pretty or comfortable about treating an overdose of substances. I wish I could’ve been there to help you. Things were already a little strained with us. We didn’t know how to find a groove with sex and you needed to explore your sexuality. I couldn’t give you all you needed with that. It was the same thing that happened to Damien and me the first time around. You might not have realised it but you did need to explore that. Tapping into all this inner sex appeal you have as a model now. It was inevitable…” Liam took some time to think about how he really was now compared to pre-reunion with Damien. “My depression’s stabilised. It rears its ugly head a bit after difficult shifts and I had a rape case so it hit close to home. Very similar injuries to what I had. Yeah, actually… Merlin’s getting married and his partner is actually really high profile and closeted. He could die and his cancer’s aggressive so we’ve all been trying to help where we can. You have a shitload to catch up on and then some.”

Paxton’s brow was furrowed as he analysed what Liam was saying about his sexuality and needing to explore it. Maybe there was truth in that but he really wanted to explore that with Liam. But Liam was right, he still had genophobia which meant more often than not, he struggled to engage in sex. Paxton had been okay with that and truly respected Liam’s boundaries. “You not being able to have sex much wasn’t why I cheated, though. Is that what you think? I would never have done that. I never lied to you about being okay with your genophobia. That’s… is that what you really think?” He was hurt and it felt like a physical wound in his chest. The last thing in the world he would ever want to do was purposefully hurt Liam just because they couldn’t have sex together. They still had intimacy in other ways. He scratched his forehead, trying not to cry. “You’re not talking about Brandon Blake, are you? He’s an actor who just spilled on Instagram that he’s got leukemia and going through chemo. He’s dating Jesse’s sister.”

“No, no - hey…” Liam shook his head and took Paxton’s hand to hold, coaxing him to meet his gaze so he could make sure Paxton understood what he was saying. “I never thought that at all. I know you better than I know myself and I know you would never willingingly do that to me. That’s why all this was so fucking hard. It would’ve been easy to hate you if I knew you did it for the hell of it just to fuck around because I couldn’t give you the sex life you deserved. I didn’t stop loving you. I still love you. I’ll always fucking love you, Pax. You were my first and nothing will ever change that. What happened to you was sickening and you might not realise it, but it was rape. Someone roofied you to cut off your free thought and consent. It cut off your inhibitions. You did not consciously cheat on me, I know that. But I also know that you need to enjoy you and your sexuality, to really discover who you are and I wasn’t able to give you that. I was forcing your hand to settle because I was comfortable and we could skip over all that early sexual and romantic stuff because we already knew each other inside and out. And all that stuff, it’s incredible, babe. I’m never, ever going to hate you or stop loving you if you admit you needed to experience these things I couldn’t give you.”

He glanced away, biting his lip. If Paxton was back permanently and chose to remain living here (as Liam hoped he would), there would be no escaping his connection to Merlin’s life. Zander, Paxton’s big brother, was nursing Brandon during his chemo sessions. It was going to come out and he knew Paxton would keep it hushed too. “Yes, Brandon Blake is Merlin’s fiance. Brandon’s gay and held in the closet by the network execs who want him marketed as a straight sex symbol. Autumn’s his paid beard. He and Merlin haven’t been together very long. Brandon just started chemo when they did. Brandon’s running out of time and if they don’t find a bone marrow donor match for him, he’ll die in around three to six months. That’s why they decided to get married, to make memories and bring Brandon some happiness before the end comes. It’s been a really crazy and confusing few months…” It was right there on the tip of his tongue, to confess Merlin and Brandon weren’t the only ones headed up the aisle in coming weeks, but he choked and couldn’t get the words out.

Paxton looked at Liam’s hands wrapped around his and it was impossible to stop a few rogue tears escaping and trickling down his cheeks. He had to nod because he couldn’t bullshit Liam. He was a terrible bullshitter at the best of times and Liam was one person who always saw through it. “Yeah, I guess I… a lot of people have tried to hit on me since I started modelling. It’s been confusing. I still don’t really know how to deal with it. You know me, I’m a terrible flirt. I bloody blush and can’t get proper words out. But I’ve been catching myself wondering sometimes what it would be like to hook up with some of them. And feeling guilty for thinking it. I’m just so fucking confused about everything. I know I needed to let you go but now everything feels so fucking lonely. I’m scared I’ve screwed up our friendship for good and nothing will be the same anymore. I still love you and wouldn’t even know how to love someone else. Shit…”

He dropped his hands to his lap, gaping at what Liam just confirmed. “Are you serious? You’re serious. Bloody hell, when did they meet? I had coffee with Merlin a few times when we were both over there. He was homesick and called me up. I can’t believe it. So, they’re getting married soon? I heard Brandon’s a really nice guy, though. They were talking about him at work the other day after his announcement. He’s fucking younger than us.”

Liam could see and hear how tired Paxton was so it wasn’t surprising he was getting emotional trying to navigate through this. “You don’t have to bloody let me go at all. Shit. You think I’m just going to throw away two and a half decades of friendship because we tried to take it to the next level and it didn’t work? No fucking way. We made that promise at the start. If we tried and it didn’t work, we would just go back to where we were. You don’t have to feel guilty, love. You’re feeling guilty because you think you’ve betrayed me or you’re hurting me for wanting it when you know it’s something I struggle with. You’re not. You’re living and you’re being in the moment. That’s what fucking life’s about. You can’t let my trauma hold you back. We’re not letting this screw up our friendship, okay? It happened. We accept it and move on.”

His hand had come to rest on Paxton’s knee but now he was patting it softly as he knew there was no way he could keep dodging what was coming. “I’m glad you were in touch with Merlin in London. From what I hear, he really would’ve needed it. That’s actually where he met Brandon before Christmas. Brandon’s lovely, he’s just extremely sick. Um, Pax… there’s something I need to tell you.” His stomach started to do these twist-flops of anxiety and he paused, trying to find the best way to tackle this. “Merlin and Brandon are getting married this week. They only got engaged about two weeks ago but they want to do it before Brandon gets too ill to enjoy it. And, um… Damien and me are getting married too. We’re just not having a wedding. We’re trying to put right what went wrong.”

Paxton didn’t even realise he had been holding his breath until the wind was knocked out of him with that last little revelation. He didn’t even know what to say at first and he wasn’t even looking at Liam. He was looking - unseeing - at a random loose thread on the edge of the rug beneath the coffee table, scrambling to try to figure out how he was feeling or even just how he was supposed to be feeling. He had nothing. Just some white noise filling his brain and a random spike of pain in his chest that he didn’t want there. All that came out was a sound that was partway between a laugh and a cough, eyes blurring and sending him cross-eyed when he stared at the same spot for too long. “I think I’m too fucking jetlagged for this. I don’t know whether I want to laugh, cry, throw up, or crawl into bed for a month.” He laced his fingers together in front of him, curling and uncurling them. “But at the same time, I’m happy for you. Happy that he makes you happy. Is he making you happy?”

“You’re exhausted and need sleep, which is going to make anything you’re feeling even worse.” Liam took Paxton’s hand, stroking his thumb over the back of it. No matter how much a relationship didn’t work between them, he would never not be physically affectionate with Paxton. That wa sa dynamic Damien would have to adjust to if Paxton was back permanently. “I’m happy, I just don’t think happiness is a simple concept for me. I think it’s a work-in-progress for both of us. We’re working on getting back on a page we’re both content and comfortable with. Damien’s been diagnosed with dysthymia, which is a chronic depression condition. It’s something he’s probably had since a teen, maybe. We’ve traced it back as a root stressor in a lot of our shit so we’re trying to move forward with transparency, which really isn’t easy.”

Paxton listened intently because he wanted to know all this, even if it hurt and would probably take a little time for him to accept and understand. “I’m sorry he’s had to go through that. It won’t be easy with you both tackling mental illness, which is why it’s probably important to… give yourselves another go. I understand that. So, I guess you and Damien are…” He just made this nondescript gesture with his hand. “Making love. You have hickies, so I can connect the dots. I just want to know you feel safe and comfortable with it. That’s all I want, to know you’re safe and he’s going to take care of you with all that. You’ll have days you can’t, maybe more often than you can. Does he get that, is he okay with it? He’s not going to just keep trying to tell you to think of the sunshine and puppies and candy on the bright side of life again, is he?”

“Well, if you’re going to insist you keep fighting sleep, I’m at least going to make us tea.” Liam got up and put the kettle on to boil. He was British and needed to as conveniently as possible and available at all times, no arguments. Of course he owned an electric kettle. He was pretty sure they would both deal with this chat easier with a cup of tea. He came back to sit while it boiled. “Okay, love… I need you to know that the fact I’m having sex with Damien doesn’t mean he’s higher on a pedestal that you ever were. But I can see how it might be making you feel like that. In the short time Damien and I have been back together, I’ve had two panic attacks leading up to sex. We’ve been working on getting close together again with intimacy without putting pressure on either of us. Mostly, we’ve just done a lot of talking. Talking we should’ve done the first and second time we were together. He’s been through a lot and it’s helped him understand how hard and complex things really are.”

Paxton didn’t hate Damien. He hadn’t even felt any bad ill-will towards the guy, no matter how shit things turned between him and Liam. Because Liam had never said a bad word against him. He had never talked him down or been bitter things didn’t work, which told Paxton that Damien was inherently a good guy. But the fact there had been no bitterness, anger or nastiness following their break-up was probably a huge sign that deep down where it mattered, he and Liam were a perfect match for each other. Damien just let past influences and mindsets get the better of him. All that was why it was impossible for Paxton to be angry Liam had reunited with Damien and now they wanted to finally marry. It had always been the original goal. “Were you still in love with him when you and I were together? Did you even really love me in a romantic way or was I just a placeholder? You told me once that I made you feel safe when we had sex. I thought that was really special at the time. Now I don’t know if it was just code for something else, like you were glad I wa sa consolation prize or something.”

This really hurt for Liam because he didn’t want Paxton feeling like this, like a placeholder or a consolation prize. What an awful thing to be feeling. He was shaking his head, frowning while he kept a protective hold on Paxton’s hand. “No, love. That’s not what it was. I fell out of love with Damien the first time we broke up, before we broke up. That’s why I broke up with him. I couldn’t stay in love with him when it felt like he needed me to change parts of me I couldn’t change for us to work. The second time we got together was about me trying to fall back in love with him again. It didn’t happen. He was still too emotionally absent and missing the mark but we know now that it was his depression. He withdrew and buried his head in the sand about things he should have confronted, we should have confronted together. You gave me things he couldn’t and you showed me how to fall in love again. You just made it so much easier for me because we already had the connection and the foundation for it. You were going to be my future, you really were. I was rooting for us and I know we could have gotten there. But… you weren’t ready to stop exploring and discovering yourself. Even if it hurt that you got into a mess and cheated on me, I realised I would never want to hold you back from that. And I think on your journey of that, you’re going to find someone who’s your perfect match and I’m telling you, your world will explode when you do.”

Paxton snorted and shook his head, tracing his tongue over his lips where they were cracked and dry from the flu and the multiple plane journeys. “I don’t know about that. None of this feels like a spectacular journey of self-discovery. It feels like I fucked up royally and now I just have to deal with the consequences. It made me feel horrible. I haven’t been able to touch a drop of alcohol since and any time a guy approaches me at a party and tries to strike up a conversation, I work myself up into a mess of anxiety and make an excuse to end the conversation because I’m scared it’s going to happen again. I don’t know where to start, Li. I’ve missed you so fucking much. It felt right with you. Everything else feels wrong.”

Liam went to make the tea, bringing the pot and a couple of mugs over from the kitchenette. He put the right amount of sugar and milk into the mugs first. He had known how Paxton liked his tea since they were kids and had afternoon tea with Liam’s grandmother in her rose garden. “It was a traumatic thing for you to go through, love. Trust me, I’ve earned my position as an expert on this stuff. You need time to heal and you need time to figure out what you want. Until you do that, you aren’t going to know how to get it. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that you’re anxious or gun-shy. They’re the little red flags that you’re not ready and need to take it a step at a time. You’re also in a lucrative business where a lot of this stuff is free-flowing and rife. You were thrown in the deep. You never expected to be a model. Now you are and you’re becoming a household name in the industry, meaning you’re a commodity. People are going to see you as something they can win and consume. Now you know how dangerous it can be, you have to take care of yourself. Have you seen a psychologist or counsellor about any of this?”

“I haven’t had the time. That sounds like an excuse, I know. But the more contracts you get, the more you’re in demand. Photoshoots taking hundreds of shots each time, fittings, makeup, hair, catwalks, coaching, staying fit, eating properly, events, parties, schmoozing, being an object and not a person. Some days, I love it. The experience is so full-on, I feel dizzy and like I’m floating on air. But other days, I just think it’s bullshit and want a normal job where no one is staring at me and I don’t have to be switched on in perfection mode twenty-four-seven. Maybe you’re right. Maybe romance and relationships are the last things I should be worrying about. I haven’t talked to anyone about any of this. Not even Zander.” Exhaustion had Paxton rubbing his eyes again. The flu was making his muscles and joints ache. He struggled to sleep on the flight from London because he was achy and uncomfortable and his throat was sore as hell every time he swallowed.

Liam was brushing his hand softly up and down Paxton’s arm as he listened. “And now you’ve got the flu and I will fucking handcuff you to the bed to get some rest if you don’t take it easy. It’s nearly winter in Australia and there’s been some really nasty flu strains this season and now I’m sounding like a bloody doctor again. I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you. You sound like you’re working yourself into the ground and I think some of that might be my fault. Actually, you don’t’ sound content at all. Is that why you’re back? You’re rethinking your career in modelling?”

Paxton smirked, giving Liam a long-suffering side-eye look. “Like I’m not used to you trying to doctor people by accident. I’m not going to argue this time. As soon as I get over this overtired patch of jetlag, I’m going to bed and staying there until I stop feeling like a heap of shit. I don’t even know how I’m forming intelligible sentences.” It was difficult to realise that if they were still together in an alternate universe, Liam would probably come to bed with him and keep him company while he rested. Now was the time to start accepting things were going back to friendship because Liam was marrying someone else. Even if he was going to need a little to recalibrate and work through his own emotions, he really was happy for Liam and relieved they could still hold onto their friendship. “I’m not content, Li, and I’m not happy. But that’s not your fault. I’m just lost and my fuck-ups were evidence of that. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid like throw in a lucrative career that was handed to me. Not when I’ve just signed Calvin Klein. Everything’s just really lonely.”

“Whaaaaaat? You signed with CK?! Pax! Holy fuck! Shit, I’m so bloody proud of you. I told you! Didn’t I say it wouldn’t be long before your package was gracing billboards all around the world? I totally called it.” Liam didn’t care how awkward things were to start off, hearing this news had him bursting with pride for Paxton and he leaned in to give him a hug. It was just a shame it was bittersweet because hearing Paxton was unhappy and lost made it hard to fully celebrate. “Okay, how about this? I have to work tonight because I’ve been away for a few days and I’m on-call. I’m going to call Uber Eats to bring you some soup. Why don’t you take a quick shower to freshen up and I’ll bring you the soup in bed when it arrives. We should talk a little more because I’m worried about you. I know you feel lonely but I promise, you’re not alone.”

Paxton smiled at the hug, even if he felt like he shouldn’t be doing it, all things considered. “Sounds like a plan I can wrap my head around. But shouldn’t you be getting some sleep before your on-call? Am I… disrupting, er… plans you had with Damien?” They looked pretty loved up when they arrived. He scrunched both his nose and shoulders up sheepishly. “Sorry, I feel awkward. I don’t know how to do… this. This post-relationship-back-to-friendship thing when you’re engaged to marry another guy. Your ex who is no longer your ex, I’m the ex. Hell, my brain hurts.”

Liam stood up and offered Paxton his hands to help him up. “I know what you’re saying and no. Damien and I weren’t coming back here to dive into bed and shag our brains out. We were just bringing out bags back. He’s going to pick his folks up from the airport and he’s staying at Merlin’s place for the night. We’re not seeing each other again until he brings me breakfast to work in the morning. I don’t start my shift until nine tonight so I’ll get a snooze in before I leave.”

Eventually, Paxon dragged himself upstairs to the main apartment, leaving Liam’s little one bedroom studio apartment on the floor below. It had its own open-planned kitchenette and living room area along with a decent sized bedroom and en-suite bathroom. It was a secondary suite to the main upstairs three-bedroom apartment where Beau and Zander lived with Miles and Rhys. It had been a perfect setup because it was walking distance to the hospital where they all worked. Originally, Liam was sharing the downstairs suite with Paxton before all the crap happened and Paxton went to stay in London with his family for awhile. Liam scored the smaller place because his sleep patterns were up the shit and sometimes he still woke up with bad flashback nightmares of sexual assault and he didn’t want to disrupt anyone else. They all worked long shifts.

Uber Eats delivered a few servings of chicken noodle soup from a place Merlin often had soup delivered for Brandon. Apparently it was the only one Brandon was managing to keep down so Liam knew it would be good to help with Paxton’s flu. He poured a serving into a bowl and carried it upstairs to Paxton’s room on a tray with a fresh cup of honey and lemon tea because Liam had heard Paxton coughing his guts up in the shower. Paxton was just getting into bed when got there. “Shower help at all?” he asked and waited until Paxton found a comfortable spot before putting the tray across his lap.

Paxton looked at the soup warily. “I don’t know how much I’ll manage. I think I feel worse with the shower. Everything’s aching.” He closed his eyes and gave into a heavy sigh but soon opened them again to look tiredly at Liam. “What now? How is this all going to work? Do you need me to move out? I feel like everything’s going to be awkward. You’ve got your hands too full to deal with me moping around like a miserable third wheel.”

“You don’t think we can go back to being best friends like we’ve always been?” Liam asked, trying to quash an inner panic starting to rise that he might have lost his best friend for good if Paxton could adjust to Liam back together with Damien. Married to Damien, even.

“It’s not that…” Paxton raked the spoon through his soup, pushing the noodles back and forth in the bowl but not really ready to start eating.

Liam went to the other side of Paxton’s bed and unlaced his Converse, kicking them off. He made himself at home on the side of the bed that had been his when they were together. “The only way we’re going to get through this weirdness is to just keep working on it. Does it make you feel weird and uncomfortable knowing Damien and I will be having sex together here, living here, being a couple here? Talk to me, Pax. I want to know so we can work through it.”

“No. Not really. You’re getting married, you’re going to have sex and be a couple. It’s not weird because I know you’ve done all that before with him. It’s fine. It’s your home. I think it’s just more that I’m going to be the only single person here with three other couples, two married. Three other couples with their lives all sorted out and happily… coupled and shit.” If only to shut himself up, Paxton had a spoonful of the soup but his appetite wasn’t coming to the party. “I don’t even know if it’s even that. I think I’m just worried anyone I meet, I’ll compare them to you and no one will ever live up to that. That’s where I’m feeling lonely, I guess.”

Liam listened, stroking Paxton’s hair. He hoped Paxton might get a bit more soup into him but if he wasn’t up to it, he wouldn’t push him. There was nothing worse than someone trying to force food down your throat when you felt shitty. He knew that all too well. “You’ve been through a lot, Pax. You’re not just going to get back in the saddle like it was no big deal. Even what we went through aside, you might struggle to trust being intimate again when you try. It’s probably not a bad thing to take it slow, ease into it and take care of yourself. You could always come up to Cape Cod with us all on the weekend for Merlin and Brandon’s wedding. Provincetown is an awesome LGBT town and it’s Pride. You never know who you might meet. And if any fuckers try to take advantage of you, I’m setting Clitty on them. In all seriousness, though, will you come? I know it’d mean the world to Merlin. He wants as many people there to celebrate the day as possible, especially considering a lot of people can’t because no one can know he and Brandon are together.” He paused, knowing that if he stayed quiet with this next bit, he would regret it forever. But he also knew in a lot of ways, it might not even be fair to bring up. “And, um… I’d really understand if you don’t want to do this or even be there but… it’d mean the world if you would be my Best Man. You’ve been with me through everything and this is no different.”

“Are Zander and Beau going? I’m going to have to find out because there’s no way in hell I’ll get any accommodation up there this late. Fuck, my heart goes out to Merlin. It must be awful facing the person you love possibly dying. He’s so young to get married too, which means he wouldn’t have made the decision lightly. What’s Brandon like in real life?” At Liam’s question, Paxton broke into a coughing fit and fumbled his spoon, dropping it into the soup and a little splashed onto the back of his hand. Thankfully it wasn’t too hot. For a few moments, he looked at Liam like he was nuts while he tried to catch his breath… at least until he had the chance to process the proposition. “Do you even need a Best Man if you’re not really having a wedding?”

Liam nodded, patting Paxton’s back to try to help him through the coughing. He sounded a lot more chesty here which hadn’t been noticeable through walls while he was showering. Knowing how sick Merlin recently was when he hadn’t take good care of himself and ended up with pneumonia, Liam made a note to write Paxton a script for some antibiotics in case this wasn’t just a flu virus. You could never be sure when you’d been flying and all sorts of bugs circulated in the ventilation. “I haven’t caught up with them yet but I’d say a strong yes considering Beau’s Brandon’s doctor and Zander frequently nurses him when he’s having chemo. Brandon’s pretty chill, bearing in mind he’s really sick. He seems generally reserved but he’s charismatic and I hear he can switch in and out TV star mode whenever he needs to. He’s very private and he’s easy to talk to and he’s got a wicked sense of humour. I think that’s where he and Merlin connected the most. They smile and laugh a lot together, which says a lot considering what they’re dealing with. Well, it’s still going to be getting married even without a traditional wedding. It’d mean the world to me if you were there with me when I tied the knot. But considering you just nearly asphyxiated yourself on your own tonsils when I brought it up, I take it that’s a no? It’s okay. I understand.”

Paxton shook his head, taking a little sip of the tea to try to soothe his throat. “I didn’t say no and I’m choking because my throat is killing me. I’m just trying to get my head around it all, okay? I don’t want you to think I’m not happy for you. I am, especially knowing everything you’ve been through to get that far. You wouldn’t be even considering it if you weren’t ready and it was important to you. It’s just an unusual situation and I don’t want to be a buzzkill. I’m happy that you’re getting married but I can’t pretend it won’t be hard for me. If it’s not weird for you, then of course I’ll do it. Especially considering I’m sure you only plan on ever having one wedding.” He met Liam’s gaze with a tired smile. “All you bloody pains in the arses finding love and getting married. My life feels like a trainwreck in comparison.”

“I want to look at that throat and listen to your chest. I’m going to get my bag, I’ll be right back.” Liam couldn’t help it if he couldn’t ditch the doctor in him. You had to catch shit early so it didn’t morph into a demon like what Merlin ended up with. He came back to Paxton having some tea but still avoiding the soup… and probably wishing he could avoid the conversation they were having. He capped his thermometer and popped it in Paxton’s ear to check his temperature. “Are you nauseous, love? It’s not me springing the Best Man thing on you, is it?”

Paxton just let Liam do his thing without protest. “A little. But don’t stress, I was feeling like shit before you sprung that on me. So, you’re really finally doing it, huh? Marrying Damien. Life’s so fucking strange how it plays out sometimes. How did you even get back together? I always thought you’d be so gun-shy if you were faced with it all. Then again, I guess there’s always been a part of me that knew you still loved him. It’s just not so easy to hate him when you tell me he wasn’t just being a cunt but had depressed.”

Liam took the themometer from Paxton’s ear put it back in his bag. “Fever of 101. You’re staying in bed and getting so many fluids in you, you’ll be pissing like a racehorse.” He found his otoscope and clicked the light on to make sure it was working. “Merlin had been on a road trip with Brandon to take him to Idaho to see an old couple who are like grandparents to him. Brandon couldn’t fly at the time. On the way back, they detoured via South Carolina to pick Wesley up. Merlin was so focused on taking care of Brandon, he forgot to take care of himself. He was run down and caught the flu, much like you have now. It turned into pneumonia and he ended up in hospital. When they rushed him to the ER with breathing difficulties, I was there on a consult and literally ran into Damien. It was a chaotic shift and Damien couldn’t get updates on how Merlin was doing so I spoke to Riley for him. Things were strange and awkward. Seeing him again stirred up all the told feelings. He came to see me a couple of days later and we kinda hooked up. I was exhausted from work and high. We decided we needed time to talk and work through everything, so we went away to the beach in Jersey to give us the chance to. It just kind of progressed from there. He told me everything and there was a lot of soul-searching done.”

“Open up.” He checked Paxton’s throat with the scope, frowning. “Pax, you’ve got an epic case of tonsillitis here. We need to treat it. I’m going to leave a couple of scripts and a list of things for Zander to grab for you when he wakes up. I want you to promise me you’ll stay in bed for the next few days and rest. If you had any work schedule, you’re going to have to call in sick. Are you sure your stomach’s up to talking about how Damien and I got back together? Your throat’s going to hurt like hell if you puke,” he joked, moving on to put his stethoscope in his ears to listen to Paxton’s chest.

“Bloody fuck. No wonder I feel like shit. I haven’t had that since I was a kid. If only I could blame it on too much deep-throating…” Paxton wasn’t up to braving the soup. He was too tired and all he wanted to do was crawl beneath the covers and sleep for a month. It was taking a lot of strength to work through the fact Liam and Damien were officially back together and getting married. While he didn’t expect the marriage news, he knew he had been expecting the possibility they might reunite if Damien ever went back to New York. No matter how sad or upset he was that he fucked things up with him and Liam, he knew all along Liam’s love for Damien had been deep back when they had been originally together. “Jokes aside, though… nothing about you or your life would ever make me puke. And no matter what’s happen, even if it briefly made me choke on my tonsils because I wasn’t expecting it, there’s no way I’d never not be your Best Man if that’s what you want. Maybe it’ll be closing that chapter of our lives and give me the closure I need. After everything you’ve been through, you deserve to be happy in any way you want and need.”

Liam took the stethoscope out of his ears and dropped it back into his bag. He smiled at Paxton, though there was some sadness behind it because no matter what happened, he really had thought they might be the forever deal when things were going well. Life just threw them curve balls and all he hoped was to keep their friendship. He knew they were strong and they could do it. They made that promise to each other. He put his arm around Paxton’s shoulders and kissed his temple. “I still love you more than life, you know that, right?”

“I know. Love you too, Li. But he better bloody not hurt you again or I’ll be getting Clint to put a hit out on him. Make sure he knows that. Can you just… promise me what you’re doing isn’t some sort of knee-jerk thing? You’re well and you’re content with what you’re doing?” Paxton pleaded quietly, wrapping his hand around Liam’s.

“I promise. There’s nothing knee-jerk in it. I’m just following my heart and it’s telling me to put right what went wrong and give this the best chance we’ve got. I know it’s unusual and it’s quick but you know my mind, you know how it’s always in overdrive. It hasn’t led me to think this is wrong. I’m actually really happy to have another crack at it. We couldn’t not now we know what was going on in Damien’s head.” Liam took the tray from Paxton’s lap. “Don’t force yourself, okay? I’ll close the curtains for you. Get some sleep. We’ll catch up more after my shift at work. I’ll be checking in with Zander and Beau to make sure you’re resting, just so you know.”

Paxton didn’t object to Liam removing the tray but he stopped him before he left. “Li, wait. You said you need to get some sleep before your shift. Will you stay with me here awhile? I don’t know if I can sleep yet. I’m feeling like shit and I just… I don’t know, company would be nice, that’s all. I missed you.”

Liam smiled, nodding. “Yeah, of course I can. Sounds like a good plan. Let me just put this in the fridge so you can heat it up later if you’re hungry.” By the time he went downstairs and put the soup back in the container to get it in the fridge and headed back upstairs with a bottle of OJ for Pax to get some Vitamin C to fight the flu bug, Paxton had fallen asleep. Liam wasn’t surprised. He gently pull the covers up over Paxton’s shoulder to keep him warm and laid down on the bed beside him to keep him company. He was glad to have him back and he was glad they were taking the steps they needed to get their friendship back on track.

LOG, COMPLETE