Brandon Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
signofthetimes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-04-02 02:30 am
signofthetimes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-04-02 02:30 am
"But I wanna sleep next to you, and I wanna come home to you..."
Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Larson with Jesse Hartley and Montana Everitt
What: Putting Things Right
Where: Hartley/Turner/Casey/Larson Home, NYC
When: After this
When Jesse answered the door, Brandon reflexively took a step backwards and nearly bumped into Montana standing behind him. He assumed Jesse was going to be pissed at him for hurting Merlin and want to kick his ass. That’s what big brothers wanted to do, wasn’t it? “I’m… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, I never meant to be a cunt like that. I just really need to see Merlin. Is he here? Is he awake? I want to explain. He deserves that. I was an asshole, it wasn’t anything to do with what he did or said, I just…”
Jesse was shocked to see Brandon on the doorstep and he heaved a deep sigh of relief to see he was alive and upright, even if he looked like utter hell. He gave him a careful hug, patting his back. “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologise to me. I’m just glad to see you’re okay, we were worried. I can see you’re not well. Come in. I’m sure he’ll want to see you.”
“I’m hungover, I’ve been a dumbfuck. Pretty sure I still reek of booze,” Brandon admitted with shame. “This is my PA, Montana. Monty, this is Merlin’s brother, Jesse. Monty’s just making sure I made it here safely without faceplanting any flat surfaces.”
Jesse welcomed them in, giving Montana a smile. “It’s nice to meet you. Two seconds, okay?” He disappeared briefly and came back with a red perspect mixing bowl Brandon was already very well acquainted with and a bottle of Voss sparkling water, handing them to him. “Merlin’s not feeling well himself today. Maybe you can get some rest together. I’m not sure if he’s awake but even if he’s not, you can stay. Can I get anyone tea or coffee?”
Brandon swallowed back a dry-heave at even the thought of it ingesting anything, giving a little wave to decline the offer. “Shit, sorry. Really not a good idea for me yet.”
Montana returned Jesse’s smile. What a gorgeous hottie of a guy. Shame he was proudly sporting a thick wedding band on his left ring finger. She rubbed some little circles to Brandon’s lower back when she heard the heave. “Nothing for me either. I just want to make sure he gets securely deposited somewhere safe before I head off. He’s convinced he won’t be welcome to stick around too long but he’s stuck in a cavern of self-deprecation at the moment.”
“With good reason…” Brandon mumbled, looking at his feet with the bowl hugged to his chest.
“Of course you’re welcome, buddy. You don’t unravel everything from one little blip in the system that was understandable, all things considered.” Jesse gestured up the hall to the direction of Merlin’s room. “He’s in bed, just head on through. Wes was watching a movie with him earlier, he could be still there. Don’t worry, he doesn’t want to kick your ass either. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You need to preserve your energy for treatment.”
Brandon locked Jesse’s gaze, figuring he knew the whole story of what happened but he appreciated no direction mention of the bone marrow. It was one subject Brandon really wasn’t coping with and it was going to be hard enough to try to put it in words to help Merlin understand. In a way, he was glad Merlin hadn’t asked him about that option because he didn’t know how he would’ve responded to it. It did seem like such a simple solution, but it really, really wasn’t. Finally, he just said, “Thanks, Jess. And I’m sorry. I know I probably caused a lot of unnecessary stress.”
“Necessary stress,” Jesse corrected, giving Brandon’s shoulder a soft rub. “Just shout out if you need any help, okay? Jace and I are just watching some TV and chilling.”
Once Jesse disappeared up the other hall, Montana turned to Brandon with a soft squeak. “Oh my god, is he a supermodel or something? Damn, he’s married. All the good ones are either married or gay. That isn’t even a gross exaggeration. Case in point,” she added, gesturing to Brandon.
“Um… Advanced Trauma and Emergency Care Nurse studying Brain Injury Medicine to become a Nurse Practitioner. And he’s married and gay. Married to Jace, an incredible tattooist.” Brandon pointed to one of their wedding photos hanging on the wall of the hall. “Jace is brain-injured. They both have epilepsy. Merlin and his family are seriously amazing people.”
Montana paused to look at the photo. “Fucking hell, hubby is supermodel hot too and I suddenly feel so uneducated. What does Merlin do? I’ll confess, I saw your disgustingly cute lockscreen pic. What is it with you and hotties who wear glasses?”
“He’s your celeb crush’s sidekick on Broadway. You’d know more about the actual even than I do, but he won a big talent comp recruiting for the part in Footloose. Now he works on the show and has a Drama scholarship with Juilliard, fully paid by the production company. I met him when we were in London. I promise, I’ll give you all the deets soon. I just need to…” Brandon arrived at Merlin’s bedroom door, pointing at it before he gave it a soft knock. A couple of moments later, Wes opened the door, mouth dropping open a little at Brandon’s appearance. “I, um…”
Wes stepped aside and gestured into the room. “Be my guest, B. I’ll leave you to it.” He passed Brandon and flashed they girl he was with a smile. “Hey,” he greeted her and kept on his way.
Brandon stepped into Merlin’s room, biting down on his lower lip. “Hey, sweetheart…” he mumbled, his gut in knots of anxiety. He was expected Merlin to breakup with him and it had him on edge. “I’m really messed up right now and Jess just said you weren’t feeling good but… can we talk? I need to explain why I was such a cunt. But it’s not going to be easy and I’m so sorry for that. Um, this is Montana, my Personal Assistant. Monty, this is Merlin, my boyfriend. He doesn’t have much of a voice right now.”
Merlin was was lying in bed propped up on a few pillows so he could breathe a little easier and see his TV while he and Wes watched a movie. He fell asleep halfway through and only woke up a few minutes ago to Wes playing CandyCrush beside him. No matter how upset he had been, Merlin was immediately analysing Brandon’s appearance. He looked awful. Pale, green around the gills, heavy bags under his red-rimmed bloodshot eyes. He looked over at Montana, realising at some point between Brandon storming out at the hospital to now, she must’ve returned from Australia and Brandon must’ve managed to tell her about the cancer. At least, he hoped so. He gave her a little wave but his eyes shot back to Brandon. “Okay. Come lie down. You look about to keel over,” he noted, pulling the covers back so Brandon could get in with him.
Montana gave Brandon a little kiss on the cheek. “I’ll leave you in these perfectly capable hands now I know you’ll be safe in bed somewhere. Call me when you’re ready, okay, honey? I’m going to duck back to your place to toss your laundry in the dryer and pick up my luggage. I have a serious date with my bed to sleep off some jetlag.” She left, softly closing the over behind her and Brandon and Merlin were left alone with their heavy emotional baggage.
Brandon went over to the bed and gingerly crawled in, pulling the covers over behind him. He curled up in Merlin’s side, wrapping his arm around him and tucking his head in against Merlin’s shoulder. “I’m so fucking hungover. Please don’t hate me. Are you okay? They let you out?” He rubbed tiny circles with his thumb at Merlin’s hip, just needing some sort of physical touch with him. He needed it so much, it felt like he was aching inside for it. “I didn’t cope and I fucked up.”
“Try not to squeeze too tight. The antibiotics are giving me a really upset stomach. I’ve been up all night.” Merlin shifted Brandon’s arm a little so he was hugging more around his hips than his stomach. “I don’t hate you. I’ve been fucking worried sick about you. I thought you were going to pass out and bleed out somewhere no one would find you. But I just… I knew you needed space, I thought that’s what you wanted. Booze is so bad for you, oh my god. There’s no way you got through a bender okay.”
Brandon lifted his head with a frown. “Shit, we don’t have to do this if you’re feeling sick. Do you need anything? Jesus, fuck. Okay.” He shifted onto his back and put his hands over his face, needing time to get ready for this conversation. He took some deep breaths, trying to use the technique Beau coached him with in hopes he could get through this without throwing up or crying.
Merlin watched his boyfriend, worrying so much, he was feeling like he was getting teary himself. “Are you going to breakup with me?” he finally asked because he just didn’t understand anything that was going on. “I know I fucked up talking to Beau before I talked to you but I didn’t wanna bring it up and upset you if there was no point to it.”
“What? No!” Brandon cried, taking his hands from his face. “Fuck, I just want to hug you. I’ve missed you. None of how I reacted was a good call and it’s all on me, not you. You’ve done nothing wrong. All you’ve done is try to take care of me and protect me. There’s just… a lot more to this than I’ve talked about. He took a sealed envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Merlin.
Merlin took the envelope, confused. “We can cuddle once you get whatever this is out there and off your chest. It’s… there’s something traumatising you about all this and I can’t figure out where I’ve triggered ti for you. Is it thinking about the transplant? Are you worried it won’t work if you find a match? Or do you just not believe you can get a match? Something’s really spooked you, I could see it all over your face. What’s this?” He turned the envelope over for a clue but it was blank other than Brandon’s name below a big red CONFIDENTIAL stamp.
“It’s DNA results. To tell me whether my biological father is really my biological father. I haven’t been unaware that he’s potentially the only biological match for a transplant. The fucking opposite, actually. It’s never been very far from my mind through any of this but… my father’s not a good man. And not just because he’s a murderer.” Brandon’s eyes filled with tears and he tried to blink them away but they fell anyway. He pointed at the envelope and when he spoke, his voice was hoarse, whispered. “It’s been really fucking hard to thinking about the fact the only possible lifeline I have is from a serial pedophile.”
Merlin dropped the envelope like it just bit him and a gasp of shock caught in his throat, causing him to start coughing. He was glad he no longer had the horrible coughing fits where he couldn’t catch his breath. “F-Fuck, are you saying… did he…?”
Brandon gave a little shake of his head, all he could manage with the hangover headache. “No, not that. Let me just say that it was never certain he was my biological father anyway. My mother wasn’t exactly a blushing virgin. She did her best but I should never have been born. I ended up in the system for a reason. That’s a big part of why I had to change my whole identity when I was trying to break into acting. It’s fucking crazy the shit they can dig up on you when you’re famous. I don’t want to talk about my childhood. It was fucked up, that me doesn’t exist anymore. But when I was diagnosed with leukemia, I was asked about biological family because it was so advanced, transplant would ultimately be the only chance of survival. So, I hired a PI to somehow get my father to submit to a DNA test. But the guy went one better. He somehow accessed the DNA database where my father was listed and he arranged to see if I was a match.”
“Clint Chevalier?” Merlin guessed. He had heard the notorious stories of how Clint pulled off the impossible with his work as a Private Investigator and likely had a lot of connections in law enforcement as well as connections in the deep underworld. He turned the envelope over again, realising again that it was sealed. “You haven’t been able to look at the results, have you, darlin’? When did you get this done?”
“You know him?” Brandon asked, surprised. He knew Merlin knew a lot of people but he wouldn’t have pegged Clint to be someone Merlin was connected to. “No, I just felt better not fucking knowing. I buried my head in the sand, didn’t want to deal with it. I guess when I came out and heard you saying that to Beau, it hit me that I had no real choice in the matter. I had to fucking face it and I wasn’t ready. I’m still not. And I don’t even know if I can tell you why because I’ve been sworn to fucking secrecy and I know how important NDAs are. Fucking hell, I don’t think I’m dealing with anything right now. I haven’t even got to the worst part.”
Brandon was freaking out, getting more and more upset the more he said. It hit Merlin that this really was a lot more complicated than Brandon being pissed off at him for asking Beau about his father and not him. “Yeah. My friend Ainsley, his big sister is Clint’s baby momma, so Ains’ nephew is Clint’s son. Clint’s also brother-in-law to our makeup director, Lewis. Let’s just stay on track, darlin’. If you want to do all this now, I don’t want you to have to backtrack and repeat anything. You only have to go through this once. And you only have to try so I can understand what you’re going through. If you can’t, it’s okay. If it helps, it’s only you I care about, not your father, biological or not. I’m really scared you’re about to have a nervous breakdown or something.” He took Brandon’s hand and kissed his fingers because he didn’t know how else he could help.
“Ha, yeah, that happened when I left the hospital so it’s kinda already said and done. I’m on this fucking crash course of destruction so I may as well just keep going. I came to talk to you because I really need you to know the things that still fuck me up so you don’t think it’s your fault if some days, it just gets too fucking much. I’m just so hungover and don’t know how to work my brain. My head won’t stop fucking aching.” Brandon exhaled slowly and rested his head on Merlin’s arm, using it as a pillow, still holding Merlin’s hand. He stopped talking because everything was exhausting to talk about. If nothing else, he had to get the worst part out. No matter how hard it was to say out loud, he couldn’t keep Merlin in the dark. “My markers are worse, sweetheart. The leukemia’s gotten worse. I ran into Tara on the way out of the hospital. She was coming up to tell us. The chemo’s not buying as much time as they hoped.”
If Merlin wasn’t already having residual breathing problems, this would’ve done it. The news came like a punch to the gut. It wasn’t what he expected to hear and he didn’t even know what words should come in response. Pretty much all he was going to manage was shuffling down in the bed so he could more easily wrap his arms around Brandon, then burst into tears. Which made Brandon do the same. Words wouldn’t help anyway. Sometimes, words were just too fucking shit to cut it.
Then he was waking up with a start, completely disoriented and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. He thought he was tangled in the covers but once his eyes focused through the puffy cracks he managed to pry open, he realised it was Brandon wrapped around him. He must’ve been lying in the same spot for a long time because his ribs were hurting and his chest felt tight.
“Sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to wake you. Just trying to get to the bathroom. Go back to sleep,” Brandon murmured, kissing Merlin’s forehead.
“You okay?” Merlin asked, touching Brandon’s cheek. He had cute creases up the side of his fair and his hair was sticking up all over the place. They must’ve fallen asleep together at some point. “How long were we out?”
Brandon put his phone back on the nightstand from when he was just checking the time when he woke a few minutes ago himself. “Um, all night. It’s just after four in the morning. We must’ve both needed it. I’m okay. Just need to pee. I don’t feel too bad. Could be because I missed a chemo session. My stomach’s actually settled. You?” He gave Merlin’s stomach a little rub.
Merlin scrunched his nose up. “Mine’s still upset. Fucking antibiotics. I’m okay. Go pee.” He put his head back on the pillow and rubbed his eyes, watching Brandon disappear into the bathroom. They slept for ages and he wasn’t sure he felt any better. Brandon’s news felt suffocating to him because he was scared to ask how much less time Brandon suddenly had and didn’t even know if it was important. There was also the fact Brandon hadn’t said what he wanted to do with his paternity test results. Who wanted to even fucking know they could potentially be the child of a pedophile. Then something suddenly hit him and it was quite possibly because of Clint’s connection to all this. He pulled himself up on the pillows and by the time Brandon came out of the bathroom, Merlin was sitting up holding the envelope. “The other bad thing. Were you going to tell me it involved Justin?”
Brandon froze in the bathroom doorway and had to grab the door jamb to hold himself up. The part he had been trying to leave out while giving Merlin has much information as he could because he just didn’t know how much to say. “I… I just want you to know I was given no details or specifics. Clint only told me because he thought I should know when I started dating you. I retained his services before you came back to New York. It was right after my diagnosis. I had the results but I couldn’t open them. When Clint heard, probably through Ainsley, that I was dating you, he came to see me. It was before we went on the roadtrip. He did extra digging because he knew of some investigation. That’s all I know. He said considering proximity and my father’s movements during a certain timeframe years ago, that Justin might’ve been a victim and I couldn’t say anything to anyone because it’s something Justin and his family don’t want made public. That’s why I couldn’t fucking open it. That’s why I couldn’t tell you that it wasn’t as easy as calling up the prison and being all, ‘Hey, Dad, I know you’re headed for the lethal injection but mind chucking me some bone marrow before you check out?’. Why would I fucking want his body matter put inside me?” he asked in a hoarse whisper when his broke and he was getting upset again.
“It could save your life,” Merlin said when he choked on a sob seeing Brandon crying again. He couldn’t even begin to understand how he felt but considering the news that his leukemia was worsening, Merlin was suddenly feeling like everything was running out of time. He roughly wiped the tears from his cheeks. “I know about Justin. He told us. You don’t need to talk about any of that because you agreed not to. And this makes me feel fucking sick, so I can’t imagine what it’s doing to you. But it could save your life!”
“Could it?!” Brandon snapped when he felt his emotions escalating. He was doing it again. Merlin was copping the brunt of this and he didn’t want it to be like this. He didn’t want to feel like he was battling every fucking thing, including his life. He needed Merlin to be his safe place but this new would’ve kicked Merlin into the grief process too. He went over to Merlin and snatched the envelope off him, tearing it open. His breath hitched and it felt hard to breathe but he looked at the printed results because he couldn’t fucking handle Merlin thinking it could be a lifelines when Brandon felt physically ill thinking about needing this to save his life. Then his breath left him in a rush and his legs felt like jelly. He sat heavily on the edge of the bed when it really hit him for the first time he could die. “He’s not my father.” The shock hit him and the urge to vomit was back with a vengeance. If it wasn’t for Merlin’s quick reflexes, he would’ve thrown up all over himself. Again. He needed this fucking week to be over.
Merlin saw Brandon rapidly spiral into shock. It was almost like an anxiety attack. The colour drained from his face and he retched, so Merlin made a grab for the red bowl. He was sitting cross-legged on the edge of the bed facing Brandon, holding the bowl for him and held his hair out of his face with his other hand. He waited it out with him and once Brandon seemed to get through it, he moved his hand to Brandon’s back, rubbing it softly. “Feel a bit better, darlin’? Did that help? Maybe we should make some tea and just have some time together to process it all?” He put the bowl aside and gave Brandon his box of tissues. It gave him the chance to wrap his arms around Brandon in a cuddle, forehead resting against Brandon’s shoulder.
“Really not liking this whole stomach emptying itself thing everytime shit goes down.” Brandon wiped his mouth. He hugged Merlin’s arm. It was an awkward cuddle the way they were sitting but he needed it. “Tea sounds like a good idea. I can make it. You’re supposed to on bed rest. I want to promise you everything will be okay, but I can’t, sweetheart. I can’t…”
Merlin put his fingers to Brandon’s lips. “Shhh… it’s not game over, darlin’. You know now. He ain’t your father. Let the cunt fry. I’m gonna keep fighting for you. As soon as I’m better, I’m gonna be tested for matches. All our friends and family who can’ll get tested to. Tara’s getting the database searched. We can put a call out. Whatever it takes. But if you’re worse, darlin’, I need you to slow down. Let us take care of you. You gotta focus on fighting, no matter what decisions you make. Please keep fighting. Please don’t give up,” he begged in a whisper, clinging to Brandon like he never wanted to let go.
Brandon needed to be held just like Merlin was holding him. His eyes were closed and he just focused on the feel of Merlin’s arms around him and the sound of Merlin’s voice. “Do you think I should go public with this? I don’t know if I can handle it.”
“I can’t make that decision for you, darlin’. I’ll support whatever way you wanna face it. Maybe you should just talk to your team and talk to show execs. Be honest with them at least and don’t hide what you’re feeling. You don’t need to carry the fucking weight of all this. I don’t want you carrying that anymore I respected your boundaries there before but your condition is worsening. You need to stop putting all that shit first and put you first. Your life literally depends on it. I know in your heart you don’t wanna cover this with a fabricated drug addiction. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of having cancer. It’s not your fault.” More tears came for Merlin then. He sniffled and brushed at his eyes. “Fuck. Sorry, I just need time to process everything. I know you do too. Maybe we can go back to your place instead of staying here? I think we need a few days for just us, away from everything. Everything’s been moving so fast since we starting dating. We need to stop.”
Brandon rested his head against Merlin’s, nuzzling his nose to his hair. “You’re right. About everything. Let’s brush our teeth and make tea. I don’t want to do this thing where my needs take over yours again. Tea’s a good place to start slowing down, right? I’m sorry that I had to be the person you fell in love with and it wasn’t someone easy without issues. I’m not sorry it’s me because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I couldn’t do this without you. I just want to kick my own ass everytime I lose my shit and hurt you.”
“Tea and teeth. Sounds like a good start. Then I can kiss you. But just for the record, no one’s putting your needs above mine, especially not you. You’ve done everything you can to take care of me, it’s just not an easy task when, hello darlin’, you have cancer. That kind of already means your needs supersede a lot of other things. My needs are fine when I know yours are too. Do you think pansexuality means looking for someone easy? No. It doesn’t. It means looking for someone I have a connection with and who means more to me that any of the other options that consider, like, dicks and boobs. Which are all fun, I’m sure, but you know the thing about that? Your dick is the only one that matters to me, whether it’s working or not. Because it’s attached to you. And you… fuck, you’re feeling like somehow cancer cancels out all the amazing stuff about you and it doesn’t. It just happens that the amazing guy I love is real sick and in a lot of pain right, inside and out, and I will always fucking feel that with you as long as I love you, darlin’. So… just let me, okay? Because this is a shitty situation and it feels awful. It’s okay to hurt and be upset. But tea’s supposed to help and kissing does too, so…” Merlin uncurled his legs from beneath and had to take Brandon’s hand to stiffly get himself off the bed.
It took a little bit of time because Merlin was left-handed and his fracture rib was on the left side but they soon made their way to the kitchen wrapped in bathrobes. The tea was in the pot brewing and Merlin was sitting on one of the barstools at the island because even the short trip from the bedroom to the kitchen had him tuckered out and short of breath. Brandon had taken over the duty of making them tea and then came over to stand between Merlin’s legs to give him a gentle cuddle and kiss. “I’m not going to ask you if you’re okay. Will it be okay for you to come stay at my place without Jess and the others to help? I just… okay, I don’t know how to explain this so I’ll just take a shot and I’m sorry if it comes out making me sound like a selfish cunt. I want to do as much as I can to take care of you. I want to help you to the bathroom and know what meds you need and when. I want to help you take a shower and make sure you have everything you need. And I really think I can cope with that. There’ll be a bit of backup with my stuff and all too. But if you feel better staying here where Jess is on hand in case I’m not feeling good and all that, I’ll understand. We can still stay here if it makes more sense.”
Merlin slipped his arms beneath Brandon’s bathrobe so he could cuddle him a little closer. “That’s not selfish. At all. It’s sweet and I think you’re adorable trying to give me a loophole I don’t need. I’m getting better, okay? Bed rest is driving me crazy so I’ll be glad for a change of scenery. Let’s just see how it goes. If we can’t manage, we figure out what to do then. Everyone’s just a phone call away anyway. I love everyone in our life so much but I think it’s okay to have us time, even if we’re just lying in bed together. Or I’m stuck in the bathroom and need you to talk to me through the door to keep me entertained if these antibiotics have their way.”
“Baby, our love is united on the inability of our stomach’s to calm the fuck down,” Brandon joked with a smirk. He gave Merlin’s belly some little sympathetic rubs. “We’re kinda lucky our modesty with that shit went out the window on about day two of our road trip when I had to urgently crash in on you mid-shave. Fucking hell, I was so fucking embarrassed,” he groaned, dropping his head on Merlin’s shoulder.
“Well, case in point, like I told you then, I’m human and my stomach gets upset too sometimes. Like, I’ve seriously been stuck in the bathroom most of yesterday morning. I think that’s what commitment is. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the embarrassing digestive issues like being too warm in bed in the morning so you just rip the biggest fart under the covers and laugh it off rather than getting up to do it in the bathroom. Then your other half follows suit and lets rip too and you laugh even more, because being domestic is way more hilarious than embarrassing,” Merlin laughed, feeling some of the weight lifting having this time to just relax with Brandon. “Pretty sure we aced the passing gas in front of each other milestone, by the way. Which is fortunate, because chemo farts are definitely a thing.”
Brandon was still laughing, shaking his head against Merlin’s shoulder. “Oh, fuck, I feel I haven’t laughed like this in ages. I wish I could deny it all but you share a bed with me and have the receipts. Can I have this put in an NDA because I’m pretty sure celebs aren’t supposed to fart.” He lifted his head and cupped Merlin’s face in his hands, stroking soft circles across his cheek with his thumb. “I’ll sit at the bathroom door and talk to you as much as you need me to, sweetheart. That day you did it for me at the hotel when I had so much stomach pain, I could barely stand, it just helped and I’m sorry I wasn’t here when the antibiotics have been making you feel like shit.”
“I think you had a valid reason to get outta class, darlin’. C’mon, no more sorries. This is a fucked up and scary journey that ain’t near over yet. We just gotta weather the storm. If you need to lose your shit sometimes, it’s okay. Okay, so I was a lil’ scared you might wanna break up with me but it was only because I knew I shoulda mentioned it all to you first. I just wanted Beau’s professional opinion on weather it’d be worth the pain talking to you about it. Do I think you need to apologise because you lost your shit and stormed out? No. Pretty sure there’s gonna be a lotta those moments where it all gets too much. I think getting away and being angry for awhile is how you deal. It ain’t up to me to dictated how you deal with shit. I ain’t here to change you.” Merlin paused, shifting on the stool in discomfort and let rip a loud fart he failed holding in then gave Brandon a sheepish smile. “Sorry, my gut’s too sore to even bother trying to hold it in. I think we’re totally nailing this domesticity thing.”
Brandon laughed again and wrapped his arms around Merlin’s neck to give him a kiss. “So, it’s true, a couple that farts together, stays together. Wouldn’t want it any other way.” Despite the humour and Merlin doing a great job to lighten the mood between them, it just made Brandon remember how lucky he was to have met Merlin. That coupled with the knowledge the chemo hadn’t succeeded in slowly the leukemia progression down, he felt the emotions creep back and catch in his throat. He hugged Merlin closer, holding him and trying to fight it off before it took over. “I’m scared, baby…” he finally admitted through a shaky exhalation.
“Me too, darlin’. It’s okay. We can be scared together.” They got lost in the hug. Merlin didn’t want to let go and he could feel Brandon didn’t either. More of this was probably exactly what they needed. Tea and the humour of upsets stomachs were forgotten about and the weight of knowing Brandon’s condition was worsening crept back.
“You guys okay?” Jesse came into the kitchen only about half awake, squinting against the kitchen lights. His voice was still scratchy and he hadn’t bothered with a bathrobe. “I heard voices, just wanted to check everything was okay. You both crashed for ages. Is there anything you need? How are you feeling?”
Brandon jumped at the voice and looked at Jesse in surprise. “Shit, did we wake you? I’m so sorry. We were just getting tea and… things got pretty heavy, I think it wiped us out. I’m so sorry we woke you, man. I really didn’t mean to disrupt things more for you all.”
Merlin reached up and softly put his fingers to Brandon’s lips. “No more sorries. It’s physically impossible to wake Jess or Jace from the kitchen, they live on the other side of the building in their own wing. Jesse’s big brother mojo was probably just tingling. Things ain’t going so good, Jess. It’s hard. We’re just trying to weather it, I guess. Bran got bad news with his test results and a whole other pile of shit has been stirred up. We’re not really okay but we’re working on it. We’re gonna go stay at Bran’s to rest and have time alone together. And I’m gonna move in with him once I’m well enough to pack.”
Brandon’s eyes shot to Merlin when he said that. “I’ll take good care of him, I promise.”
“Big brother mojo, the urge to pee, and my husband wrapped up like a cocoon in all the covers on his side of the bed. Something you’ve got to look forward to, buddy.” Jesse patted Brandon’s shoulder and got a bottle of water out of the fridge. “I know you’ll take good care of him. I know there’s not a single thing about any of this that’s easy and you probably don’t have any clue how to navigate it or even keep your heads above water but… you’ve both been poked and prodded and dragged yourselves across country, not to mention feeling like shit. I think you need time for your relationship. Private time, intimacy, sharing meals, making love, or just lying in bed and being together. It can be really therapeutic but as someone in a marriage where both of us have illnesses, I know it’s easy to led medical stuff takeover without realising it. Especially when that medical stuff affects the intimacy. You just have to find ways that work for you. How bad was the news, buddy?”
Merlin rubbed Brandon’s back and sighed, his turn to put his head on Brandon’s shoulder because thinking about the bad news made his stomach more upset than it already was. He also knew Jesse’s advice was spot-on. It sounded overwhelming to manage it but they just needed the chance to be able to do it, especially with Beau telling Brandon the sex issues could be caused by stress. Not that either of them were up to that particular thing right now considering the horrible things they had to face up to yesterday but finding other ways to make love sounded really fucking good right now. He felt like he was craving it, which was weird considering how shitty everything was. “I seriously feel sick. I don’t know how we’re supposed to deal with this,” he mumbled, holding his stomach.
Brandon nodded and wet his lips. He kissed Merlin’s head. “Yeah, I feel sick too, sweetheart. Um… on top of facing up to the stuff about my supposed biological father, Tara told me that my markers have gotten worse so the chemo isn’t slowing the progression. She wants to think about adding radiation and even then, it’s only going to buy me a few months. So, if no donor match is found by then, I just, um…” He just trailed off and shook his head. He didn’t need to say it out loud. “Sorry, I think I just need some air.” He pushed past Jesse and exited the kitchen.
Merlin put his hands up over his face and took a few moments to brace himself to try to catch himself from crying. “Fucking hell, I’m so terrified he’s going to die and I’m going to lose him. I need to go to him. We’re still trying to work through stuff. It’s just really, really hard. I don’t think I’m doing a good job,” he said tearfully and pushed his fingers over his eyes before the tears spilled over. “I need to go to him. He doesn’t need to be alone.”
“Hey, hey…” Jesse put his hands on Merlin’s shoulders. “This isn’t a job, buddy. It’s not about doing it good or not. You just need to take each day. I know that sounds cliched but it’s all you can do. You have to cry as much as you need to and know that you’re not failing on the bad days. Let’s get another dose of Pepto into you and you can take the tea out to him. Tomorrow, we’ll rally the available forces and help get you back to Brandon’s. When you’re feeling a little better, we can sit and have a good talk. Because you won’t be able to go this alone and I’m always here for both of you. We all are.”
Merlin nodded, swallowing heavily and taking some deep breaths. “Thanks, Jess. I didn’t wanna offend you about moving out when you’ve been so amazing after I found out I was adopted and all. I love it here, I really do. I just…”
Jesse shook his head. “Don’t be silly. You’re in a relationship now and it was inevitable you guys would want to live together eventually if things got serious. We don’t stop being brothers because your relationship is successful. I think you’ll find things will be a little easy if you and Brandon can have that space together. I’m just a shout away.”
Merlin gave Jesse a hug, only just managing not to start bawling his eyes out again. Soon, he was stepping out on the back steps holding two mugs of peppermint tea and a pair of his fluffy socks for Brandon so his feet didn’t get cold. Brandon was standing over by the grass with his hands on his hips. “Peppermint tea might help a little, darlin’. And failing that, I brought you a joint.” He sat down on the back step and put the tea down beside him so he could take the joint out of the pocket of his bathrobe, holding it up.
Brandon came over and sat beside Merlin, resting against him. “I’m starting to feel like I’m never going to go twenty-four hours without vomiting ever again. I was just feeling like I couldn’t breathe inside. I seriously might need to find a therapist. I’m not dealing with any of this.”
Merlin put his arm around Brandon and handed him the socks. “Put these on. You’re too susceptible to infection. Then we’re going to drink tea to help both our stomachs and you’re going to smoke some pot to help the nausea and anxiety. I think a therapist is a really good idea. Let’s put that on our to-do list. For now, let’s just do this and remember how to breathe.” He sipped his tea and found a rhythm rubbing Brandon’s back to try to help him calm down. “Have you told me everything, darlin’? All the really bad stuff, I mean.”
Brandon pulled the socks on and nodded, taking the joint from Merlin to put it back in his pocket. “I can’t smoke this around, sweetheart. You’ve got pneumonia. Tea and… yeah. Well, other than the specifics of what Tara told me but I don’t know if it matters so much. She’s going to meet with both of us to explain it all better. I don’t think I was even taking much of it in. It’s moved into some phase they call Refractory. My type of cancer doesn’t have stages because there’s no tumours, they call it ‘phases’. Just means I haven’t responded to treatment. It’s either the same or worse, and it’s worse. It’s spread to the lymph nodes and spleen. It showed up when Tara repeated all tests and scans when she took my case.” He picked up his mug and cupped his hands around it. “I think I need to tell the execs what’s happening and let them hash it all out with my publicist to figure out what to do. I can’t pretend anymore. At least not with this. It’s bad enough I need the beard contract. Which has been shitting me off too. I think it’s why I got sick at the cafe with Autumn. I was stressed again. Everything keeps dialling back to fucking stress.”
“You’re having anxiety attacks, darlin’. I think the weed’ll help. Just go sit by the barbecue while you have it. I know it’ll help. Stress ain’t gonna do you any good. And, like… you came over with your PA, so you must’ve had to fill her in and I know that was stressing you out too. I don’t want you getting to the point where you need to write yourself off again and start thinking that the only way to stop how you’re feeling is to end it. I can’t handle Iowa again, Bran. I’m doing my best but I think we gotta look real close at ways to keep you calm and safe. I know a really good therapist, that’s a good start.” Merlin handed Brandon his lighter that he grabbed after downing some more Pepto Ultra that he was living on at the moment. “What do you think you need to help, baby? Forget what I’m trying to suggest or what works for other people. What do you need right now?”
Brandon took his tea and moved over to the picnic table by the barbecue so he could have the joint. He knew Merlin was right about that. If nothing else, it would calm some of the anxiety and both Tara and Beau said cannabis was good for nausea but they would prefer him to find another way to ingest it other than smoking but beggars couldn’t be choosers. He put the joint to his lips and lit it up, taking the first hit deeply. Merlin’s question was direct and something he hadn’t thought about. “You’re going to make me cry being all beautiful and asking me questions like that. I think I need… more sleep, my own bed, cuddles and kisses. I need you. I need the chance to take us back to what we had in that cottage in Nebraska. I feel like I could handle taking on the world if I had that.”
“Okay,” Merlin murmured with a smile. “Then, we can finish our tea and you finish your joint, and maybe go inside and take a bubble bath together. Later when the sun’s up, we can get you home to your own bed and take it as it comes from there. Everything else can wait. Deal? Love you.”
“Love you right back.” Brandon nodded, returning the smile and blew Merlin a little kiss. “Okay. Deal.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Putting Things Right
Where: Hartley/Turner/Casey/Larson Home, NYC
When: After this
When Jesse answered the door, Brandon reflexively took a step backwards and nearly bumped into Montana standing behind him. He assumed Jesse was going to be pissed at him for hurting Merlin and want to kick his ass. That’s what big brothers wanted to do, wasn’t it? “I’m… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, I never meant to be a cunt like that. I just really need to see Merlin. Is he here? Is he awake? I want to explain. He deserves that. I was an asshole, it wasn’t anything to do with what he did or said, I just…”
Jesse was shocked to see Brandon on the doorstep and he heaved a deep sigh of relief to see he was alive and upright, even if he looked like utter hell. He gave him a careful hug, patting his back. “It’s okay, you don’t have to apologise to me. I’m just glad to see you’re okay, we were worried. I can see you’re not well. Come in. I’m sure he’ll want to see you.”
“I’m hungover, I’ve been a dumbfuck. Pretty sure I still reek of booze,” Brandon admitted with shame. “This is my PA, Montana. Monty, this is Merlin’s brother, Jesse. Monty’s just making sure I made it here safely without faceplanting any flat surfaces.”
Jesse welcomed them in, giving Montana a smile. “It’s nice to meet you. Two seconds, okay?” He disappeared briefly and came back with a red perspect mixing bowl Brandon was already very well acquainted with and a bottle of Voss sparkling water, handing them to him. “Merlin’s not feeling well himself today. Maybe you can get some rest together. I’m not sure if he’s awake but even if he’s not, you can stay. Can I get anyone tea or coffee?”
Brandon swallowed back a dry-heave at even the thought of it ingesting anything, giving a little wave to decline the offer. “Shit, sorry. Really not a good idea for me yet.”
Montana returned Jesse’s smile. What a gorgeous hottie of a guy. Shame he was proudly sporting a thick wedding band on his left ring finger. She rubbed some little circles to Brandon’s lower back when she heard the heave. “Nothing for me either. I just want to make sure he gets securely deposited somewhere safe before I head off. He’s convinced he won’t be welcome to stick around too long but he’s stuck in a cavern of self-deprecation at the moment.”
“With good reason…” Brandon mumbled, looking at his feet with the bowl hugged to his chest.
“Of course you’re welcome, buddy. You don’t unravel everything from one little blip in the system that was understandable, all things considered.” Jesse gestured up the hall to the direction of Merlin’s room. “He’s in bed, just head on through. Wes was watching a movie with him earlier, he could be still there. Don’t worry, he doesn’t want to kick your ass either. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You need to preserve your energy for treatment.”
Brandon locked Jesse’s gaze, figuring he knew the whole story of what happened but he appreciated no direction mention of the bone marrow. It was one subject Brandon really wasn’t coping with and it was going to be hard enough to try to put it in words to help Merlin understand. In a way, he was glad Merlin hadn’t asked him about that option because he didn’t know how he would’ve responded to it. It did seem like such a simple solution, but it really, really wasn’t. Finally, he just said, “Thanks, Jess. And I’m sorry. I know I probably caused a lot of unnecessary stress.”
“Necessary stress,” Jesse corrected, giving Brandon’s shoulder a soft rub. “Just shout out if you need any help, okay? Jace and I are just watching some TV and chilling.”
Once Jesse disappeared up the other hall, Montana turned to Brandon with a soft squeak. “Oh my god, is he a supermodel or something? Damn, he’s married. All the good ones are either married or gay. That isn’t even a gross exaggeration. Case in point,” she added, gesturing to Brandon.
“Um… Advanced Trauma and Emergency Care Nurse studying Brain Injury Medicine to become a Nurse Practitioner. And he’s married and gay. Married to Jace, an incredible tattooist.” Brandon pointed to one of their wedding photos hanging on the wall of the hall. “Jace is brain-injured. They both have epilepsy. Merlin and his family are seriously amazing people.”
Montana paused to look at the photo. “Fucking hell, hubby is supermodel hot too and I suddenly feel so uneducated. What does Merlin do? I’ll confess, I saw your disgustingly cute lockscreen pic. What is it with you and hotties who wear glasses?”
“He’s your celeb crush’s sidekick on Broadway. You’d know more about the actual even than I do, but he won a big talent comp recruiting for the part in Footloose. Now he works on the show and has a Drama scholarship with Juilliard, fully paid by the production company. I met him when we were in London. I promise, I’ll give you all the deets soon. I just need to…” Brandon arrived at Merlin’s bedroom door, pointing at it before he gave it a soft knock. A couple of moments later, Wes opened the door, mouth dropping open a little at Brandon’s appearance. “I, um…”
Wes stepped aside and gestured into the room. “Be my guest, B. I’ll leave you to it.” He passed Brandon and flashed they girl he was with a smile. “Hey,” he greeted her and kept on his way.
Brandon stepped into Merlin’s room, biting down on his lower lip. “Hey, sweetheart…” he mumbled, his gut in knots of anxiety. He was expected Merlin to breakup with him and it had him on edge. “I’m really messed up right now and Jess just said you weren’t feeling good but… can we talk? I need to explain why I was such a cunt. But it’s not going to be easy and I’m so sorry for that. Um, this is Montana, my Personal Assistant. Monty, this is Merlin, my boyfriend. He doesn’t have much of a voice right now.”
Merlin was was lying in bed propped up on a few pillows so he could breathe a little easier and see his TV while he and Wes watched a movie. He fell asleep halfway through and only woke up a few minutes ago to Wes playing CandyCrush beside him. No matter how upset he had been, Merlin was immediately analysing Brandon’s appearance. He looked awful. Pale, green around the gills, heavy bags under his red-rimmed bloodshot eyes. He looked over at Montana, realising at some point between Brandon storming out at the hospital to now, she must’ve returned from Australia and Brandon must’ve managed to tell her about the cancer. At least, he hoped so. He gave her a little wave but his eyes shot back to Brandon. “Okay. Come lie down. You look about to keel over,” he noted, pulling the covers back so Brandon could get in with him.
Montana gave Brandon a little kiss on the cheek. “I’ll leave you in these perfectly capable hands now I know you’ll be safe in bed somewhere. Call me when you’re ready, okay, honey? I’m going to duck back to your place to toss your laundry in the dryer and pick up my luggage. I have a serious date with my bed to sleep off some jetlag.” She left, softly closing the over behind her and Brandon and Merlin were left alone with their heavy emotional baggage.
Brandon went over to the bed and gingerly crawled in, pulling the covers over behind him. He curled up in Merlin’s side, wrapping his arm around him and tucking his head in against Merlin’s shoulder. “I’m so fucking hungover. Please don’t hate me. Are you okay? They let you out?” He rubbed tiny circles with his thumb at Merlin’s hip, just needing some sort of physical touch with him. He needed it so much, it felt like he was aching inside for it. “I didn’t cope and I fucked up.”
“Try not to squeeze too tight. The antibiotics are giving me a really upset stomach. I’ve been up all night.” Merlin shifted Brandon’s arm a little so he was hugging more around his hips than his stomach. “I don’t hate you. I’ve been fucking worried sick about you. I thought you were going to pass out and bleed out somewhere no one would find you. But I just… I knew you needed space, I thought that’s what you wanted. Booze is so bad for you, oh my god. There’s no way you got through a bender okay.”
Brandon lifted his head with a frown. “Shit, we don’t have to do this if you’re feeling sick. Do you need anything? Jesus, fuck. Okay.” He shifted onto his back and put his hands over his face, needing time to get ready for this conversation. He took some deep breaths, trying to use the technique Beau coached him with in hopes he could get through this without throwing up or crying.
Merlin watched his boyfriend, worrying so much, he was feeling like he was getting teary himself. “Are you going to breakup with me?” he finally asked because he just didn’t understand anything that was going on. “I know I fucked up talking to Beau before I talked to you but I didn’t wanna bring it up and upset you if there was no point to it.”
“What? No!” Brandon cried, taking his hands from his face. “Fuck, I just want to hug you. I’ve missed you. None of how I reacted was a good call and it’s all on me, not you. You’ve done nothing wrong. All you’ve done is try to take care of me and protect me. There’s just… a lot more to this than I’ve talked about. He took a sealed envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Merlin.
Merlin took the envelope, confused. “We can cuddle once you get whatever this is out there and off your chest. It’s… there’s something traumatising you about all this and I can’t figure out where I’ve triggered ti for you. Is it thinking about the transplant? Are you worried it won’t work if you find a match? Or do you just not believe you can get a match? Something’s really spooked you, I could see it all over your face. What’s this?” He turned the envelope over for a clue but it was blank other than Brandon’s name below a big red CONFIDENTIAL stamp.
“It’s DNA results. To tell me whether my biological father is really my biological father. I haven’t been unaware that he’s potentially the only biological match for a transplant. The fucking opposite, actually. It’s never been very far from my mind through any of this but… my father’s not a good man. And not just because he’s a murderer.” Brandon’s eyes filled with tears and he tried to blink them away but they fell anyway. He pointed at the envelope and when he spoke, his voice was hoarse, whispered. “It’s been really fucking hard to thinking about the fact the only possible lifeline I have is from a serial pedophile.”
Merlin dropped the envelope like it just bit him and a gasp of shock caught in his throat, causing him to start coughing. He was glad he no longer had the horrible coughing fits where he couldn’t catch his breath. “F-Fuck, are you saying… did he…?”
Brandon gave a little shake of his head, all he could manage with the hangover headache. “No, not that. Let me just say that it was never certain he was my biological father anyway. My mother wasn’t exactly a blushing virgin. She did her best but I should never have been born. I ended up in the system for a reason. That’s a big part of why I had to change my whole identity when I was trying to break into acting. It’s fucking crazy the shit they can dig up on you when you’re famous. I don’t want to talk about my childhood. It was fucked up, that me doesn’t exist anymore. But when I was diagnosed with leukemia, I was asked about biological family because it was so advanced, transplant would ultimately be the only chance of survival. So, I hired a PI to somehow get my father to submit to a DNA test. But the guy went one better. He somehow accessed the DNA database where my father was listed and he arranged to see if I was a match.”
“Clint Chevalier?” Merlin guessed. He had heard the notorious stories of how Clint pulled off the impossible with his work as a Private Investigator and likely had a lot of connections in law enforcement as well as connections in the deep underworld. He turned the envelope over again, realising again that it was sealed. “You haven’t been able to look at the results, have you, darlin’? When did you get this done?”
“You know him?” Brandon asked, surprised. He knew Merlin knew a lot of people but he wouldn’t have pegged Clint to be someone Merlin was connected to. “No, I just felt better not fucking knowing. I buried my head in the sand, didn’t want to deal with it. I guess when I came out and heard you saying that to Beau, it hit me that I had no real choice in the matter. I had to fucking face it and I wasn’t ready. I’m still not. And I don’t even know if I can tell you why because I’ve been sworn to fucking secrecy and I know how important NDAs are. Fucking hell, I don’t think I’m dealing with anything right now. I haven’t even got to the worst part.”
Brandon was freaking out, getting more and more upset the more he said. It hit Merlin that this really was a lot more complicated than Brandon being pissed off at him for asking Beau about his father and not him. “Yeah. My friend Ainsley, his big sister is Clint’s baby momma, so Ains’ nephew is Clint’s son. Clint’s also brother-in-law to our makeup director, Lewis. Let’s just stay on track, darlin’. If you want to do all this now, I don’t want you to have to backtrack and repeat anything. You only have to go through this once. And you only have to try so I can understand what you’re going through. If you can’t, it’s okay. If it helps, it’s only you I care about, not your father, biological or not. I’m really scared you’re about to have a nervous breakdown or something.” He took Brandon’s hand and kissed his fingers because he didn’t know how else he could help.
“Ha, yeah, that happened when I left the hospital so it’s kinda already said and done. I’m on this fucking crash course of destruction so I may as well just keep going. I came to talk to you because I really need you to know the things that still fuck me up so you don’t think it’s your fault if some days, it just gets too fucking much. I’m just so hungover and don’t know how to work my brain. My head won’t stop fucking aching.” Brandon exhaled slowly and rested his head on Merlin’s arm, using it as a pillow, still holding Merlin’s hand. He stopped talking because everything was exhausting to talk about. If nothing else, he had to get the worst part out. No matter how hard it was to say out loud, he couldn’t keep Merlin in the dark. “My markers are worse, sweetheart. The leukemia’s gotten worse. I ran into Tara on the way out of the hospital. She was coming up to tell us. The chemo’s not buying as much time as they hoped.”
If Merlin wasn’t already having residual breathing problems, this would’ve done it. The news came like a punch to the gut. It wasn’t what he expected to hear and he didn’t even know what words should come in response. Pretty much all he was going to manage was shuffling down in the bed so he could more easily wrap his arms around Brandon, then burst into tears. Which made Brandon do the same. Words wouldn’t help anyway. Sometimes, words were just too fucking shit to cut it.
Then he was waking up with a start, completely disoriented and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. He thought he was tangled in the covers but once his eyes focused through the puffy cracks he managed to pry open, he realised it was Brandon wrapped around him. He must’ve been lying in the same spot for a long time because his ribs were hurting and his chest felt tight.
“Sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to wake you. Just trying to get to the bathroom. Go back to sleep,” Brandon murmured, kissing Merlin’s forehead.
“You okay?” Merlin asked, touching Brandon’s cheek. He had cute creases up the side of his fair and his hair was sticking up all over the place. They must’ve fallen asleep together at some point. “How long were we out?”
Brandon put his phone back on the nightstand from when he was just checking the time when he woke a few minutes ago himself. “Um, all night. It’s just after four in the morning. We must’ve both needed it. I’m okay. Just need to pee. I don’t feel too bad. Could be because I missed a chemo session. My stomach’s actually settled. You?” He gave Merlin’s stomach a little rub.
Merlin scrunched his nose up. “Mine’s still upset. Fucking antibiotics. I’m okay. Go pee.” He put his head back on the pillow and rubbed his eyes, watching Brandon disappear into the bathroom. They slept for ages and he wasn’t sure he felt any better. Brandon’s news felt suffocating to him because he was scared to ask how much less time Brandon suddenly had and didn’t even know if it was important. There was also the fact Brandon hadn’t said what he wanted to do with his paternity test results. Who wanted to even fucking know they could potentially be the child of a pedophile. Then something suddenly hit him and it was quite possibly because of Clint’s connection to all this. He pulled himself up on the pillows and by the time Brandon came out of the bathroom, Merlin was sitting up holding the envelope. “The other bad thing. Were you going to tell me it involved Justin?”
Brandon froze in the bathroom doorway and had to grab the door jamb to hold himself up. The part he had been trying to leave out while giving Merlin has much information as he could because he just didn’t know how much to say. “I… I just want you to know I was given no details or specifics. Clint only told me because he thought I should know when I started dating you. I retained his services before you came back to New York. It was right after my diagnosis. I had the results but I couldn’t open them. When Clint heard, probably through Ainsley, that I was dating you, he came to see me. It was before we went on the roadtrip. He did extra digging because he knew of some investigation. That’s all I know. He said considering proximity and my father’s movements during a certain timeframe years ago, that Justin might’ve been a victim and I couldn’t say anything to anyone because it’s something Justin and his family don’t want made public. That’s why I couldn’t fucking open it. That’s why I couldn’t tell you that it wasn’t as easy as calling up the prison and being all, ‘Hey, Dad, I know you’re headed for the lethal injection but mind chucking me some bone marrow before you check out?’. Why would I fucking want his body matter put inside me?” he asked in a hoarse whisper when his broke and he was getting upset again.
“It could save your life,” Merlin said when he choked on a sob seeing Brandon crying again. He couldn’t even begin to understand how he felt but considering the news that his leukemia was worsening, Merlin was suddenly feeling like everything was running out of time. He roughly wiped the tears from his cheeks. “I know about Justin. He told us. You don’t need to talk about any of that because you agreed not to. And this makes me feel fucking sick, so I can’t imagine what it’s doing to you. But it could save your life!”
“Could it?!” Brandon snapped when he felt his emotions escalating. He was doing it again. Merlin was copping the brunt of this and he didn’t want it to be like this. He didn’t want to feel like he was battling every fucking thing, including his life. He needed Merlin to be his safe place but this new would’ve kicked Merlin into the grief process too. He went over to Merlin and snatched the envelope off him, tearing it open. His breath hitched and it felt hard to breathe but he looked at the printed results because he couldn’t fucking handle Merlin thinking it could be a lifelines when Brandon felt physically ill thinking about needing this to save his life. Then his breath left him in a rush and his legs felt like jelly. He sat heavily on the edge of the bed when it really hit him for the first time he could die. “He’s not my father.” The shock hit him and the urge to vomit was back with a vengeance. If it wasn’t for Merlin’s quick reflexes, he would’ve thrown up all over himself. Again. He needed this fucking week to be over.
Merlin saw Brandon rapidly spiral into shock. It was almost like an anxiety attack. The colour drained from his face and he retched, so Merlin made a grab for the red bowl. He was sitting cross-legged on the edge of the bed facing Brandon, holding the bowl for him and held his hair out of his face with his other hand. He waited it out with him and once Brandon seemed to get through it, he moved his hand to Brandon’s back, rubbing it softly. “Feel a bit better, darlin’? Did that help? Maybe we should make some tea and just have some time together to process it all?” He put the bowl aside and gave Brandon his box of tissues. It gave him the chance to wrap his arms around Brandon in a cuddle, forehead resting against Brandon’s shoulder.
“Really not liking this whole stomach emptying itself thing everytime shit goes down.” Brandon wiped his mouth. He hugged Merlin’s arm. It was an awkward cuddle the way they were sitting but he needed it. “Tea sounds like a good idea. I can make it. You’re supposed to on bed rest. I want to promise you everything will be okay, but I can’t, sweetheart. I can’t…”
Merlin put his fingers to Brandon’s lips. “Shhh… it’s not game over, darlin’. You know now. He ain’t your father. Let the cunt fry. I’m gonna keep fighting for you. As soon as I’m better, I’m gonna be tested for matches. All our friends and family who can’ll get tested to. Tara’s getting the database searched. We can put a call out. Whatever it takes. But if you’re worse, darlin’, I need you to slow down. Let us take care of you. You gotta focus on fighting, no matter what decisions you make. Please keep fighting. Please don’t give up,” he begged in a whisper, clinging to Brandon like he never wanted to let go.
Brandon needed to be held just like Merlin was holding him. His eyes were closed and he just focused on the feel of Merlin’s arms around him and the sound of Merlin’s voice. “Do you think I should go public with this? I don’t know if I can handle it.”
“I can’t make that decision for you, darlin’. I’ll support whatever way you wanna face it. Maybe you should just talk to your team and talk to show execs. Be honest with them at least and don’t hide what you’re feeling. You don’t need to carry the fucking weight of all this. I don’t want you carrying that anymore I respected your boundaries there before but your condition is worsening. You need to stop putting all that shit first and put you first. Your life literally depends on it. I know in your heart you don’t wanna cover this with a fabricated drug addiction. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of having cancer. It’s not your fault.” More tears came for Merlin then. He sniffled and brushed at his eyes. “Fuck. Sorry, I just need time to process everything. I know you do too. Maybe we can go back to your place instead of staying here? I think we need a few days for just us, away from everything. Everything’s been moving so fast since we starting dating. We need to stop.”
Brandon rested his head against Merlin’s, nuzzling his nose to his hair. “You’re right. About everything. Let’s brush our teeth and make tea. I don’t want to do this thing where my needs take over yours again. Tea’s a good place to start slowing down, right? I’m sorry that I had to be the person you fell in love with and it wasn’t someone easy without issues. I’m not sorry it’s me because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I couldn’t do this without you. I just want to kick my own ass everytime I lose my shit and hurt you.”
“Tea and teeth. Sounds like a good start. Then I can kiss you. But just for the record, no one’s putting your needs above mine, especially not you. You’ve done everything you can to take care of me, it’s just not an easy task when, hello darlin’, you have cancer. That kind of already means your needs supersede a lot of other things. My needs are fine when I know yours are too. Do you think pansexuality means looking for someone easy? No. It doesn’t. It means looking for someone I have a connection with and who means more to me that any of the other options that consider, like, dicks and boobs. Which are all fun, I’m sure, but you know the thing about that? Your dick is the only one that matters to me, whether it’s working or not. Because it’s attached to you. And you… fuck, you’re feeling like somehow cancer cancels out all the amazing stuff about you and it doesn’t. It just happens that the amazing guy I love is real sick and in a lot of pain right, inside and out, and I will always fucking feel that with you as long as I love you, darlin’. So… just let me, okay? Because this is a shitty situation and it feels awful. It’s okay to hurt and be upset. But tea’s supposed to help and kissing does too, so…” Merlin uncurled his legs from beneath and had to take Brandon’s hand to stiffly get himself off the bed.
It took a little bit of time because Merlin was left-handed and his fracture rib was on the left side but they soon made their way to the kitchen wrapped in bathrobes. The tea was in the pot brewing and Merlin was sitting on one of the barstools at the island because even the short trip from the bedroom to the kitchen had him tuckered out and short of breath. Brandon had taken over the duty of making them tea and then came over to stand between Merlin’s legs to give him a gentle cuddle and kiss. “I’m not going to ask you if you’re okay. Will it be okay for you to come stay at my place without Jess and the others to help? I just… okay, I don’t know how to explain this so I’ll just take a shot and I’m sorry if it comes out making me sound like a selfish cunt. I want to do as much as I can to take care of you. I want to help you to the bathroom and know what meds you need and when. I want to help you take a shower and make sure you have everything you need. And I really think I can cope with that. There’ll be a bit of backup with my stuff and all too. But if you feel better staying here where Jess is on hand in case I’m not feeling good and all that, I’ll understand. We can still stay here if it makes more sense.”
Merlin slipped his arms beneath Brandon’s bathrobe so he could cuddle him a little closer. “That’s not selfish. At all. It’s sweet and I think you’re adorable trying to give me a loophole I don’t need. I’m getting better, okay? Bed rest is driving me crazy so I’ll be glad for a change of scenery. Let’s just see how it goes. If we can’t manage, we figure out what to do then. Everyone’s just a phone call away anyway. I love everyone in our life so much but I think it’s okay to have us time, even if we’re just lying in bed together. Or I’m stuck in the bathroom and need you to talk to me through the door to keep me entertained if these antibiotics have their way.”
“Baby, our love is united on the inability of our stomach’s to calm the fuck down,” Brandon joked with a smirk. He gave Merlin’s belly some little sympathetic rubs. “We’re kinda lucky our modesty with that shit went out the window on about day two of our road trip when I had to urgently crash in on you mid-shave. Fucking hell, I was so fucking embarrassed,” he groaned, dropping his head on Merlin’s shoulder.
“Well, case in point, like I told you then, I’m human and my stomach gets upset too sometimes. Like, I’ve seriously been stuck in the bathroom most of yesterday morning. I think that’s what commitment is. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the embarrassing digestive issues like being too warm in bed in the morning so you just rip the biggest fart under the covers and laugh it off rather than getting up to do it in the bathroom. Then your other half follows suit and lets rip too and you laugh even more, because being domestic is way more hilarious than embarrassing,” Merlin laughed, feeling some of the weight lifting having this time to just relax with Brandon. “Pretty sure we aced the passing gas in front of each other milestone, by the way. Which is fortunate, because chemo farts are definitely a thing.”
Brandon was still laughing, shaking his head against Merlin’s shoulder. “Oh, fuck, I feel I haven’t laughed like this in ages. I wish I could deny it all but you share a bed with me and have the receipts. Can I have this put in an NDA because I’m pretty sure celebs aren’t supposed to fart.” He lifted his head and cupped Merlin’s face in his hands, stroking soft circles across his cheek with his thumb. “I’ll sit at the bathroom door and talk to you as much as you need me to, sweetheart. That day you did it for me at the hotel when I had so much stomach pain, I could barely stand, it just helped and I’m sorry I wasn’t here when the antibiotics have been making you feel like shit.”
“I think you had a valid reason to get outta class, darlin’. C’mon, no more sorries. This is a fucked up and scary journey that ain’t near over yet. We just gotta weather the storm. If you need to lose your shit sometimes, it’s okay. Okay, so I was a lil’ scared you might wanna break up with me but it was only because I knew I shoulda mentioned it all to you first. I just wanted Beau’s professional opinion on weather it’d be worth the pain talking to you about it. Do I think you need to apologise because you lost your shit and stormed out? No. Pretty sure there’s gonna be a lotta those moments where it all gets too much. I think getting away and being angry for awhile is how you deal. It ain’t up to me to dictated how you deal with shit. I ain’t here to change you.” Merlin paused, shifting on the stool in discomfort and let rip a loud fart he failed holding in then gave Brandon a sheepish smile. “Sorry, my gut’s too sore to even bother trying to hold it in. I think we’re totally nailing this domesticity thing.”
Brandon laughed again and wrapped his arms around Merlin’s neck to give him a kiss. “So, it’s true, a couple that farts together, stays together. Wouldn’t want it any other way.” Despite the humour and Merlin doing a great job to lighten the mood between them, it just made Brandon remember how lucky he was to have met Merlin. That coupled with the knowledge the chemo hadn’t succeeded in slowly the leukemia progression down, he felt the emotions creep back and catch in his throat. He hugged Merlin closer, holding him and trying to fight it off before it took over. “I’m scared, baby…” he finally admitted through a shaky exhalation.
“Me too, darlin’. It’s okay. We can be scared together.” They got lost in the hug. Merlin didn’t want to let go and he could feel Brandon didn’t either. More of this was probably exactly what they needed. Tea and the humour of upsets stomachs were forgotten about and the weight of knowing Brandon’s condition was worsening crept back.
“You guys okay?” Jesse came into the kitchen only about half awake, squinting against the kitchen lights. His voice was still scratchy and he hadn’t bothered with a bathrobe. “I heard voices, just wanted to check everything was okay. You both crashed for ages. Is there anything you need? How are you feeling?”
Brandon jumped at the voice and looked at Jesse in surprise. “Shit, did we wake you? I’m so sorry. We were just getting tea and… things got pretty heavy, I think it wiped us out. I’m so sorry we woke you, man. I really didn’t mean to disrupt things more for you all.”
Merlin reached up and softly put his fingers to Brandon’s lips. “No more sorries. It’s physically impossible to wake Jess or Jace from the kitchen, they live on the other side of the building in their own wing. Jesse’s big brother mojo was probably just tingling. Things ain’t going so good, Jess. It’s hard. We’re just trying to weather it, I guess. Bran got bad news with his test results and a whole other pile of shit has been stirred up. We’re not really okay but we’re working on it. We’re gonna go stay at Bran’s to rest and have time alone together. And I’m gonna move in with him once I’m well enough to pack.”
Brandon’s eyes shot to Merlin when he said that. “I’ll take good care of him, I promise.”
“Big brother mojo, the urge to pee, and my husband wrapped up like a cocoon in all the covers on his side of the bed. Something you’ve got to look forward to, buddy.” Jesse patted Brandon’s shoulder and got a bottle of water out of the fridge. “I know you’ll take good care of him. I know there’s not a single thing about any of this that’s easy and you probably don’t have any clue how to navigate it or even keep your heads above water but… you’ve both been poked and prodded and dragged yourselves across country, not to mention feeling like shit. I think you need time for your relationship. Private time, intimacy, sharing meals, making love, or just lying in bed and being together. It can be really therapeutic but as someone in a marriage where both of us have illnesses, I know it’s easy to led medical stuff takeover without realising it. Especially when that medical stuff affects the intimacy. You just have to find ways that work for you. How bad was the news, buddy?”
Merlin rubbed Brandon’s back and sighed, his turn to put his head on Brandon’s shoulder because thinking about the bad news made his stomach more upset than it already was. He also knew Jesse’s advice was spot-on. It sounded overwhelming to manage it but they just needed the chance to be able to do it, especially with Beau telling Brandon the sex issues could be caused by stress. Not that either of them were up to that particular thing right now considering the horrible things they had to face up to yesterday but finding other ways to make love sounded really fucking good right now. He felt like he was craving it, which was weird considering how shitty everything was. “I seriously feel sick. I don’t know how we’re supposed to deal with this,” he mumbled, holding his stomach.
Brandon nodded and wet his lips. He kissed Merlin’s head. “Yeah, I feel sick too, sweetheart. Um… on top of facing up to the stuff about my supposed biological father, Tara told me that my markers have gotten worse so the chemo isn’t slowing the progression. She wants to think about adding radiation and even then, it’s only going to buy me a few months. So, if no donor match is found by then, I just, um…” He just trailed off and shook his head. He didn’t need to say it out loud. “Sorry, I think I just need some air.” He pushed past Jesse and exited the kitchen.
Merlin put his hands up over his face and took a few moments to brace himself to try to catch himself from crying. “Fucking hell, I’m so terrified he’s going to die and I’m going to lose him. I need to go to him. We’re still trying to work through stuff. It’s just really, really hard. I don’t think I’m doing a good job,” he said tearfully and pushed his fingers over his eyes before the tears spilled over. “I need to go to him. He doesn’t need to be alone.”
“Hey, hey…” Jesse put his hands on Merlin’s shoulders. “This isn’t a job, buddy. It’s not about doing it good or not. You just need to take each day. I know that sounds cliched but it’s all you can do. You have to cry as much as you need to and know that you’re not failing on the bad days. Let’s get another dose of Pepto into you and you can take the tea out to him. Tomorrow, we’ll rally the available forces and help get you back to Brandon’s. When you’re feeling a little better, we can sit and have a good talk. Because you won’t be able to go this alone and I’m always here for both of you. We all are.”
Merlin nodded, swallowing heavily and taking some deep breaths. “Thanks, Jess. I didn’t wanna offend you about moving out when you’ve been so amazing after I found out I was adopted and all. I love it here, I really do. I just…”
Jesse shook his head. “Don’t be silly. You’re in a relationship now and it was inevitable you guys would want to live together eventually if things got serious. We don’t stop being brothers because your relationship is successful. I think you’ll find things will be a little easy if you and Brandon can have that space together. I’m just a shout away.”
Merlin gave Jesse a hug, only just managing not to start bawling his eyes out again. Soon, he was stepping out on the back steps holding two mugs of peppermint tea and a pair of his fluffy socks for Brandon so his feet didn’t get cold. Brandon was standing over by the grass with his hands on his hips. “Peppermint tea might help a little, darlin’. And failing that, I brought you a joint.” He sat down on the back step and put the tea down beside him so he could take the joint out of the pocket of his bathrobe, holding it up.
Brandon came over and sat beside Merlin, resting against him. “I’m starting to feel like I’m never going to go twenty-four hours without vomiting ever again. I was just feeling like I couldn’t breathe inside. I seriously might need to find a therapist. I’m not dealing with any of this.”
Merlin put his arm around Brandon and handed him the socks. “Put these on. You’re too susceptible to infection. Then we’re going to drink tea to help both our stomachs and you’re going to smoke some pot to help the nausea and anxiety. I think a therapist is a really good idea. Let’s put that on our to-do list. For now, let’s just do this and remember how to breathe.” He sipped his tea and found a rhythm rubbing Brandon’s back to try to help him calm down. “Have you told me everything, darlin’? All the really bad stuff, I mean.”
Brandon pulled the socks on and nodded, taking the joint from Merlin to put it back in his pocket. “I can’t smoke this around, sweetheart. You’ve got pneumonia. Tea and… yeah. Well, other than the specifics of what Tara told me but I don’t know if it matters so much. She’s going to meet with both of us to explain it all better. I don’t think I was even taking much of it in. It’s moved into some phase they call Refractory. My type of cancer doesn’t have stages because there’s no tumours, they call it ‘phases’. Just means I haven’t responded to treatment. It’s either the same or worse, and it’s worse. It’s spread to the lymph nodes and spleen. It showed up when Tara repeated all tests and scans when she took my case.” He picked up his mug and cupped his hands around it. “I think I need to tell the execs what’s happening and let them hash it all out with my publicist to figure out what to do. I can’t pretend anymore. At least not with this. It’s bad enough I need the beard contract. Which has been shitting me off too. I think it’s why I got sick at the cafe with Autumn. I was stressed again. Everything keeps dialling back to fucking stress.”
“You’re having anxiety attacks, darlin’. I think the weed’ll help. Just go sit by the barbecue while you have it. I know it’ll help. Stress ain’t gonna do you any good. And, like… you came over with your PA, so you must’ve had to fill her in and I know that was stressing you out too. I don’t want you getting to the point where you need to write yourself off again and start thinking that the only way to stop how you’re feeling is to end it. I can’t handle Iowa again, Bran. I’m doing my best but I think we gotta look real close at ways to keep you calm and safe. I know a really good therapist, that’s a good start.” Merlin handed Brandon his lighter that he grabbed after downing some more Pepto Ultra that he was living on at the moment. “What do you think you need to help, baby? Forget what I’m trying to suggest or what works for other people. What do you need right now?”
Brandon took his tea and moved over to the picnic table by the barbecue so he could have the joint. He knew Merlin was right about that. If nothing else, it would calm some of the anxiety and both Tara and Beau said cannabis was good for nausea but they would prefer him to find another way to ingest it other than smoking but beggars couldn’t be choosers. He put the joint to his lips and lit it up, taking the first hit deeply. Merlin’s question was direct and something he hadn’t thought about. “You’re going to make me cry being all beautiful and asking me questions like that. I think I need… more sleep, my own bed, cuddles and kisses. I need you. I need the chance to take us back to what we had in that cottage in Nebraska. I feel like I could handle taking on the world if I had that.”
“Okay,” Merlin murmured with a smile. “Then, we can finish our tea and you finish your joint, and maybe go inside and take a bubble bath together. Later when the sun’s up, we can get you home to your own bed and take it as it comes from there. Everything else can wait. Deal? Love you.”
“Love you right back.” Brandon nodded, returning the smile and blew Merlin a little kiss. “Okay. Deal.”
LOG, COMPLETE