Merlin Timothy Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
magicmoments) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-03-03 04:28 am
magicmoments) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-03-03 04:28 am
"Home sweet home."
Who: Merlin Larson, Brandon Blake, Jesse Hartley and Damien Larson
What: Unexpected Reunions
Where: New York City, NY
When: After this
The final part of the roadtrip wasn’t fun. Merlin feeling like he needed a beer at the motel they stopped at turned into Merlin wiping himself out because he was both a lightweight and mixing booze with his ADHD meds wasn’t a good idea. It had loosened him up and the three of them ended up having fun and laughing a lot. The fact Brandon could through all he was dealing with said a lot but Merlin’s hangover meant Wes did a lot of the driving home and Merlin was miserable and in a crappy mood. About the only silver lining was that for a little bit, his and Brandon’s positions switched - it was Brandon taking care of him but Merlin’s mood didn’t make it an easy task. All the stress of the previous weeks careened to the forefront and came out like a demon during his hangover.
So, getting back to New York, things were a little tense. Merlin stopped talking completely and his answers to any questions were single words, if words even came at all. Seven hours in the car wasn’t the best idea but it got them home. The were spending a couple of nights at Merlin’s to recover from the trip before going to Brandon’s so he could restart the chemo infusions. Merlin crawled into his bed as soon as they were home and crashed hard. When he woke up the next morning, he was alone in the bed and there was a very real terror for a few moments that his terrible hangover mood destroyed everything and Brandon cut his losses, walking away.
Closer inspection (and with his glasses on), Brandon’s luggage was all still there in its Louis Vuitton glory. All his medications were lined up on Merlin’s dresser and both their jackets were lying over the back of the little sofa by the window. The pile of dirty laundry from their trip was stacked on the floor at the end of the bed, items from both their wardrobes intermingled. He took a long shower, brushing his teeth, shaving. Then he plucked up the courage to go out to see where Brandon was and if he was okay. He found Brandon in the living room, sitting having a cuppa with Nana Turner. He was wearing Merlin’s favourite bathrobe, the fluffy Hufflepuff one with yellow edges and a hood that Brandon was wearing. He looked freaking adorable in it.
Brandon spotted him coming into the living room, sheepishness obvious all over Merlin’s face. “There he is. Hey, sweetheart. You’re looking better.” He put his mug down so he could get up and shuffle over to give Merlin a kiss and a warm cuddle. He pulled back so he could see his face, laughing softly and rubbing some circles to his back. “Feeling better?”
Nana Turner smiled, rising from the sofa. “I’ll leave you boys to it.”
“I was fucking awful, I’m so sorry,” were the first words out of Merlin’s mouth. He took Brandon’s hand but just ended up cuddling him some more “I really don’t have a good track record with booze. I just needed to switch off a little, I guess. I don’t know. Shit, I really thought you would be gone when I woke up.”
Brandon smiled and led Merlin over to the sofa. “Come, sit. I’ve had a bit of a rough morning. I passed out in the kitchen and banged by head. Blood was pissing out everywhere. Luckily Christian was there to make sure I hadn’t giving myself brain damage and Jesse stitched the cut. Three fricken sutures.” He pushed his hair back, showing Merlin the wound in his hairline and Jesse’s expert suturing skills. “You were drunk, babe. Really, really drunk. Then really, really hungover. I would be a hypocrite if I got my panties in a knot about that when I fucked up the same way back in Iowa. Let’s just chalk it up to a culmination of a really fucking exhausting and stressful trip. You weren’t awful, you were just honest and in a shitty mood. We’re all entitled to that sometimes.”
“Oh my god,” Merlin cried, softly touching Brandon’s face to get a closer look at the cut. There was some messy bruising around the sutured wound but Brandon’s hair concealed the worst of it where it hung down into his eyes. He wrapped his arms around Brandon and kissed him. When it was over, brushed his hand up and down Brandon’s arm, their foreheads tucked together in the embrace. “Honest in a shitty mood and stupid. I’ve always been a lightweight. Drinking with the adderall speeds it up even more. None of it was because you asked me to move in with you, though.”
Brandon put his finger to Merlin’s lips. “It’s okay. I know. And there’s no rush on making any decisions. I just navigated that whole thing in the worst possible way. I was going to ask you before I spoke to Wes about it but you had your hands full trying to deal with the adoption stuff and had your granddad’s birthday. Wes really helped me that night and I wanted to help him. Figured I had the resources, so why not.”
“I can tell you’re feeling okay this morning. Is it bad I kinda wanna smuggle you back to bed for a ‘lil while?” The doorbell rang and Merlin called out, “I’ll get it! Just for the record because I can’t remember if I said it while I was drunk but I love that you wanna help him. Do you know how much of a relief it would be for me to know he was there as a back-up while you’re this ill? There might not be a rush but I do have an answer. Let me just get the door.” Before he went to the door, he leaned over and gave Brandon another quick kiss.
“Oh, you’re going to leave me hanging? Rude,” Brandon joked, smirking as he gladly checked Merlin’s butt out in his trackpants on his way to the door. “I wouldn’t be opposed to being smuggled, you know.”
Merlin didn’t know if anyone was expecting visitors. He didn’t even know who was home right now, other than the fact Jesse was around somewhere because he promised Merlin they could talk once he slept his exhaustion and shitty mood off. He flicked the chain off the door and pulled it open. When he saw who was there, he nearly stumbled backward but managed to grab the door to keep himself upright. “What the fuck…”
Damien had driven himself up the wall stressing how to face Merlin again. To face Jesse. To face Liam. The plane trip home from Edinburgh seemed to drag on forever because he just wanted to get back to NYC and face the music. Now he knew where the cookie had crumbled and his life had taken the most surreal abrupt detour when he found himself at a crossroads. He had gotten off the plane and caught at cab straight over. It had been nerve-wracking waiting to see who would answer the door and how they would take him showing up out of the blue like this. He offered his baby brother a hesitant smile. “Hey, buddy. Long time, no see.”
Merlin just stood there gaping, struggling to find any appropriate words. It suddenly felt like a whole lifetime since he had last been in breathing distance of Damien and he didn’t have enough time in the moment to figure out how he should feel. Damien had been overseas touring and performing at bars across the UK, according to their mom because Merlin stopped replying to Damien’s attempts to communication with him when they only ever came sporadically, like he was nothing but an afterthought. “Uh… hey.”
“I know, I know, baby bro. I’m sorry for…” Damien was sorry for so much, he couldn’t summarise it in one sentence. Merlin’s welcome was cold and the fact he hadn’t invited him in was telling. He deserved the cold shoulder, no doubt about that. “I’ve had an incredible opportunity that I couldn’t pass up and I wanted you to be the first to know.”
Merlin scratched the back of his head and then held up a hand. “Look, Damo… what do you want from me? We’re not brothers. No blood, remember? You don’t owe me anything. You can keep your… whatever you left for. My real brother takes care of me just fine. This ain’t a good time anyway. I’ve got company. So, have a good life. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
Damien put his hand on the door to stop Merlin from closing it on him. “Wait, Merly. Just give me a second, even though I know I don’t deserve it.” All that hurt like a massive kick in the guts. That was how Merlin really felt? Like Damien had walked on his job as a big brother and as a result, Jesse took over? That part made sense. Jesse had a huge heart and was one of the most loyal people to ever exist. Of course he stepped up for Merlin once all the shit came to light. “I’m still your big brother.”
“Why are you here, Damien?” Merlin demanded, frustrated and losing his patience. “No, seriously, why? After… however many months of you not giving a shit about me.”
“I just didn’t know how to face you, buddy, after the whole ad--” Damien cut himself off, hanging his head, drawing his lip between his teeth. Suddenly he was feeling incredibly jetlagged.
Merlin stared at him and the silence was thick and heavy. “You knew. You knew I was adopted, didn’t you?”
Damien closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Please don’t hate me, buddy.”
“When did you find out?” Merlin gave Damien a small shove out of sheer frustration, trying to get him to look at him and meet his eyes. “Tell me!”
It worked, Damien looked up at his little brother. He knew he couldn’t hide the guilt from his face. “From the start. Mom and Dad told me one day I was getting a new baby brother like I’d been praying for and the next day you were just… there. I didn’t understand the concept of adoption until I was about eight, though. They told me more then.”
Merlin nodded, clearing his throat as he looked away, breaking the eye contact. “Right. ‘Course you did.” He paused, biting his lip and fighting off the emotions creeping up inside him. “So, why are you here?”
“We’re going to be working together. Justin called me up, asked me to be his supporting act on his tour. I wanted to tell you myself,” Damien told him, now full of apprehension about the big reveal. He had been so excited that this might be a way he could heal the rift between him and Merlin, be able to spend time with him to explain everything.
Merlin chewed the corner of his lip, giving Damien a pretty intense stare-down while that information processed. He took a deep breath and exhaled heavily. “Then there’s something you need to know…” He stepped back and pushed the door leading to the living room open, revealing Brandon sitting on the edge of the sofa, no doubt hearing the entirety of the exchange between Merlin and Damien. Brandon pressed his lips together in an uncertain smile and gave Damien a little wave.
Damien was pretty sure he was seeing things when he followed Merlin inside and there was a freaking A-List TV star sitting on the sofa in a bathrobe. Granted a pale, slightly thinner version with a bruised face. Was that really the dude from Wicked Symphony? It was an awesome TV show, he watched it all the time but… WTF? “Uh…” He blinked, his turn to gape now. “Is that…?”
“Brandon, this is Damien. Damien, this is Brandon… my boyfriend.” Merlin gestured to Brandon and gave him a faint smile so Brandon knew he was okay. Brandon would have heard the whole exchange from where he was sitting. He knew he and Damien had been estranged for awhile now but not really why, if only because Merlin didn’t know why himself. It was one subject he never stuck long on because it made him feel stupid, not knowing why his own supposed brother stopped bothering to contact him after Merlin found he was adopted. What he did know was that Damien didn’t know much about his life lately because Merlin specifically asked his parents not to keep him informed. He told them that if Damien wanted to know about his life, he knew where he was. He could ask himself. And now… here he was, apparently. Only because Justin was giving him a job, it seemed.
Damien stood there with his mouth hanging open staring at Brandon until his brain gave him a kick and reminded him it was rude to stare. He quickly looked back to Merlin but his gaze was still drawn to Brandon a few moments later. “You’re gay? And he’s your boyfriend?” Fuck, Damien had been out of the closet a long time now and he could barely get a relationship to stick beyond a month these days, let alone knock one out of the park and nail a fucking massive celebrity to come sit in his living room in a bathrobe.
“Nope,” Merlin said, sitting down by Brandon and putting his hand on Brandon’s knee. “You better sit down. Things are complicated and I need to make sure you respect that.”
“Bi, then. Sorry.” Damien sat and found that he was waiting for Brandon to open his mouth and say something, like that would somehow firm up proof this guy was really a famous star that was now somehow dating his little brother Damien always thought was straight. On the show, Brandon had this deep and husky voice and it gave his singing vocals a real signature edge. It was probably part of why he got the part. Damien knew from Google that he recorded the vocals himself for the show, he wasn’t lip-syncing someone else’s singing, which is why Damien liked the show. The character was pretty much what Damien grew up wanting to be his whole life, a rockstar in all his glory.
Merlin had this burst of irritation when he realised that needing to deal with Damien’s sudden appearance meant he couldn’t smuggle Brandon to bed, but he didn’t let it stick on him. Brandon really didn’t need to see him in another shitty mood so soon after all his hangover faux pas on the trip home. “Not that either.”
Brandon couldn’t only see the tension between Merlin and his other brother, he could feel that Merlin’s whole being was tight and stiff. Damien looked different to the few pictures Brandon saw around the Larson house in South Carolina. His hair was lighter and longer, he had some piercings, was wearing nail polish, and had an all-around more rock look to him. He was pretty hot, no doubt about that, but he could see there was no biological resemblance to Merlin. Merlin definitely looked more like Jesse with the dark eyes and dimples. “I might go lie down, sweetheart, let you guys talk.” He gave Merlin a soft lingering kiss and stood, giving Damien a smile as he stood. “Nice to meet you, dude.”
“Feeling sick, darlin’? Can you track Jesse down and get him to come through? Thanks.” Merlin really, really, really wanted Brandon to stick there for moral support but he also knew this first confrontation with Damien was brotherly family business Brandon didn’t need to be subjected to.
“Just a little pain. It’s okay. I’ll find Jesse.” Brandon affectionately brushed his fingers through Merlin’s hair and left them to it.
After witnessing the clearly easy PDA with Merlin and Brandon, Damien watched Brandon go, feeling his stomach clench with nerves hearing Jesse was here too. That was definitely Brandon Blake, the voice was undeniable. Holy fucking hell, his baby brother nabbed a TV star somehow. He wanted to give Merlin a knowing grin and issue some big brotherly teasing about it but he wasn’t sure he was entitled to big brotherly anything with Merlin anymore. “Is he sick?” he asked. He rubbed his hand over his mouth, shaking his head. “Shit, Merl, I had no idea you were…” He gestured with his hand in lieu of knowing what Merlin’s sexuality was. Maybe he was just experimenting.
Merlin just gave Damien an even look. There was so much he could say to that but ultimately, just stayed quiet. There was a little voice in his head telling him to be pissed off at Justin for not giving him the heads-up about this but it wasn’t Justin’s fault. At all. For one, Merlin had been absent and Justin respected his personal leave. They chatted a bit online in group chats but he was always insistent work could wait and they would recalibrate on everything when Merlin was back in NYC. He knew if Justin had personally selected Damien as his supporting act for his tour, there were creative reasons behind it.
“Merlin, you okay, buddy? Brandon said you needed--” As soon as Jesse walked into the room he ground to a halt when his eyes landed on Damien. “Oh…”
Seeing Jesse, the first thing Damien noticed was how good his (possibly ex) best friend looked. Jesse had always been hot but he seemed extra so after all this time. “Hey, Jess,” he greeted him quietly and then after a few moments of inner-panic about how to navigate this whole thing, he knew the truth was the only way. “Look, guys, I know I’m a cunt and I know how it seemed but there’s a reason I went away when I did. Well… two reasons, really,” he admitted, looking to Merlin sadly.
Jesse checked his phone to make sure there were no messages or texts from Jace before he took the spot on the sofa beside Merlin. “Sure, but I might get a call and have to leave. Jace is at the hospital with Evan and Christian. He’s stressing about everything going on and I’m worried he might have a seizure.” He put his hand on Merlin’s arm. “Is Brandon okay?”
Merlin nodded with a smile at Jesse automatically checking on Brandon and being at the ready for Jace and Evan. Once a natural nurse, always a natural nurse. “He’s got pain but he’s okay. He showed me his head. Jeezus fuck. Thank fuck you know how to suture or it would’ve been a blood bath.”
“Wasn’t far off. Don’t worry too much. I think he was dizzy because he needed a little something to eat. Everything stayed down too, as far as I know.” Jesse gave Merlin’s back a little supportive rub.
Damien never felt more on the outer than he did watching his brief chat between Jesse and Merlin. Not only did it hit him directly in the face how alike Merlin and Jesse were not he had them side-by-side and knew they were related by blood but he could see Jesse was the big brother Merlin wanted and needed, a ball Damien should never have dropped, no matter what happened. “What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with Evan?” He asked, but he fully expected to be ignored or left out because he didn’t deserve to know.
“Evan came back from a placement with Doctors Without Borders really ill and was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. He’s having a bad flare up, he’s finding out if he needs more surgery,” Jesse explained and gave Merlin a hesitant glance. “I won’t say anything about Brandon, it’s up to Merlin to say anything. Brandon’s privacy is his and Brandon’s business.”
Merlin had slumped back in the seat and he was playing with the tie on his trackpants, a little frown settled on his features. He didn’t really want to be dealing with this right now. He wanted to be resting with Brandon after their trip. But it was what it was. “You know what? I don’t know if I can trust you. How can I just put private information about my boyfriend out there and not have a single damn clue if you’ll keep it confidential? I don’t even know you anymore.”
Hearing Merlin say ‘boyfriend’ like that was surreal for Damien. He wondered what sexuality Merlin identified as, when he realised it, how he came out. He had missed it all and he felt like an asshole because of it. “No matter what’s happened, spilling confidential shit is something I’d never do. Do you think Justin would agree to work with me if I did shit like that?”
“Working with Justin? What have I missed?” Jesse asked and then held his hand up. “It’s a really complicated situation, dude. Merlin’s been through a lot these last few weeks. It’s not just a matter of being okay talking about. It’s difficult circumstances no matter how disconnected from our lives you’ve been. Maybe you should just tell us what’s been going on and why you dropped off the face of the earth and then he can decide if he wants to confide in you. Yeah?” He looked at Merlin, checking if he was okay with this tactic. He knew there was a very real chance Merlin might just want to tell Damien to go fuck himself and walk out.
Merlin gave a curt nod of agreement but now his arms were crossed over his chest, his defences rapidly going up. “Justin asked him to be his supporting act for his tour.”
Damien nodded and sat forward, really wishing he could soften the blow of his return for Merlin. He knew Merlin was angry and upset but Jesse just seemed indifferent. He was a little shocked to see Damien there but he wasn’t phased in the slightest beyond anything other than Merlin being upset. “Yeah, he did. But it’s not really as simple as that. There’s a lot I need to fill you in on but I’m just trying to figure out where to start. Okay… Justin didn’t just randomly call me up one day and offer me the job. It happened because I was dating someone he has links to. He was canvassing potential supporting acts who had a certain style to compliment the show he’s creating. Maybe I was just in the right place at the right time. I dunno. I’ll know more when I meet with him.”
“Someone he has links to when you’ve been living in the UK for ages?” Jesse asked, really not following. It was true, he was indifferent about Damien’s appearance. He had walked away from that awhile ago now, knowing there was no point forcing a friendship that clearly wasn’t working anymore. His life had changed extensively since they had been best friends in South Carolina. He had escaped to New York because Damien was here and but he had forged his own life without the friendship. People grew apart. It happened.
Damien nodded again, confirming the anomaly. “When I say ‘dating’, it was more like an affair. A secret affair. Not many people know about it. Justin kind of called me out on it. Kid’s not backwards in coming forwards. It’s Brendan. I’ve been dating Brendan over in the UK on the hush. When he’d come back to the UK for work or to visit family, we were hooking up. Things with him and Trey fell apart. All we did was arrange to have a drink at a pub in London and it just kind of progressed. It was a big deal because I hadn’t really dated anyone seriously since Liam. I know it’s shit but it’s what it was.”
Merlin scratched his forehead while his brain worked to connect the dots but it wasn’t easy to make sense of it. “Isn’t that epically awkward now Trey’s Justin’s attorney? Fuck, I don’t get it. Still doesn’t explain why you pissed off and stopped caring.”
“Did you know Brendon was hospitalised a few weeks back? It’s a bit of a mindfuck here with one of you dating Brandon and the other dating Brendan. I apologise in advance if my epileptic brain mixes that up sometimes.” Jesse shook his head, forehead creasing with just as much confusion as Merlin was experiencing.
“Yeah, I know. He had a really bad migraine and was dehydrated because he was so sick. He gets them as bad as Merl does. I wanted to be here for him but I was booked for gigs in Birmingham and really need the cash so I could move back here.” Damien pushed his hair back and tucked it behind his ears. He’d had it long for awhile now and the curls he had as a kid grew back with a vengeance. His fans seemed to like it and it felt more like him. “I pissed off because I was kind of forced to. Or at least strongly advised to get away for a bit to let dust settle. This is where it gets complicated. You know how Liam was raped? The guy who did it was killed when Tyler had the psychotic break, because he’d attacked Tyler too. When Liam and I were trying to patch things up and try again, even if it didn’t work, he revealed to me that there was another guy involved. He didn’t participate in the rape but he kind of entrapped Liam as the victim that night in the bar.”
Jesse sighed, wondering where all this serious stuff was leading and how Damien was so involved, it forced him to leave the country ‘until the dust settled’. “What did you do?” he asked quietly. “Something Liam knows nothing about or he would’ve told me.”
Merlin groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Fuck, I don’t wanna know. What the fuck has this got to do with you just pissing off out of my life when I told I was adopted?! Is that too much to fucking ask an explanation of? I don’t even wanna do this. I wanna be with Brandon.”
“I assaulted the guy, okay? I found him on Facebook and it said where he worked. I waited for him one night and beat the shit out of him. I was stupidly drunk because I wasn’t dealing with the fact I couldn’t help Liam and I was failing our second chance at a relationship. It’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done in my life but I got so fucking angry at how badly damaged he was. I wasn’t thinking.” Damien couldn’t even look at Jesse or Merlin now. He was ashamed, especially knowing it impacted on them. “So, I was arrested and it was just by sheer dumb luck Euan was at the precinct where they chucked me in the lock-up overnight. He intervened and told me trying to take the law into my own hands like that never ended well because I was risking too much. Ultimately, he was instrumental in getting me a suspended sentence. I had a drinking problem. It got worse when Liam broke up with me for the second time and when Merlin told me he was adopted. Because I knew he was. I’ve always known. Not that you were brothers or who his birth mother was. That was a mindfuck. Once he found out, I felt so fucking guilty. I knew how much it would upset him if I told him I always knew. It was around the same time Euan told me to get out of the city to regroup, so I went to stay with Lachlan’s family in Edinburgh and did a rehab program over there. When I was in the program, they diagnosed me with dysthymia. That’s literally the whole story.”
Once Damien finished, he had Merlin’s complete attention again. Merlin’s anger began to dissipate around the time Damien said Euan intervened. Euan would never have just intervened on a minor case like that if there wasn’t a reason or he didn’t feel Damien should have that sort of help. “I…” he mumbled but there was so much Damien just revealed here, he was lost for words. He knew no matter how hurt he was that Damien had seemed to cut ties from him, there was obviously a lot more to the story than just not wanting Merlin to be his brother. That didn’t make sense anymore, now Damien admitted he knew since Merlin was a baby that he was adopted. “What’s dysthymia? Why didn’t you just tell me all that? Did you think I couldn’t handle it?”
Jesse was softly rubbing Merlin’s back, knowing this was going to be hard to absorb right on the back of his harrowing road trip with Brandon. “Yeah, you know we would’ve understood, right? You could’ve come to any of us for help.”
“Partly, Merl. But it wasn’t even so much that I thought you couldn’t handle it than not wanting to hurt you. I was terrified how you’d react that I knew you were adopted and be pissed at me for not telling you sooner and lying to you. I know you, I know it’s how you would’ve felt. I realise the way I handled everything - or didn’t handle it - fucked a lot of things up and I’ve clearly missed important shit like your not-straight sexuality and a sick TV star boyfriend. A lot of it was just that I didn’t know how to talk about it, talk about my feelings. That’s why I was drinking. It was easier and blurred everything out for awhile.” Damien watched Jesse rubbing Merlin’s back. It was so sweet but it was painful. He used to be the big brother Merlin always looked up to, trailed around after, worshipped, even, when they were younger. He would clean him up if he fell off his bike or take care of him when bullies were picking on him at school. He dropped the ball so badly. “Dysthymia’s also called Persistent Depressive Disorder. It’s a type of depression. Not as severe as what you’d see in, like, Liam or Justin, but when it hits, it lasts longer. I’m not suicidal or anything like that. It’s just like, I feel flat. Like my battery’s run outta power. I sleep a lot, don’t have much of an appetite, start hating myself, feel useless and hopeless, which is what made me fuck up. I convinced myself I was so useless, no one back here needed me anymore. I buried my head in the sand rather than dealing with shit.”
Merlin was shaking his head. “That’s not true. I always fucking needed you. You were my big brother. Jesse wasn’t replacing you, I had room for two brothers, you know. My world fucking fell apart when I found out I was adopted and I didn’t know who the hell I was anymore. I’m only just figuring it out. We could’ve dealt with it together.” He got up then and went over to give Damien a hug. “Are you sick now with it? Is that why you hooked up with Brendan? Does he know about it? I really just wish you told me but I guess I with how bad I lost my shit over the adoption, I didn’t give you much to work with. You fucking got arrested and tried to go all that alone? What the fuck.”
Jesse smiled when Merlin finally pulled back on his anger and went to hug Damien. He was pretty sure they both needed it. Building bridges, you had to start somewhere. Being a nurse, Jesse could see with all Damien was saying how the dysthymia led him to make choices he probably wasn’t proud of. Feeling hopeless and withdrawing were classic symptoms of depressive disorders. “Did they put you on medication or prescribe therapy, something to help control it?”
The relief Damien felt when Merlin hugged him was dizzying. He held him tight, returning it with everything he had. “I missed you, baby bro. I need you to know that. None of it was ever because I didn’t want you to be my brother. I just thought you’d feel betrayed that I didn’t tell you that you were adopted. I never thought it was a thing. You were always just my baby brother, it didn’t matter how I got you. I’m back now. I don’t wanna be away from home anymore. And yeah. I’m on meds, just something mild to keep it controlled and I’ve been having therapy. I’ve got a referral for someone new here in the city. I don’t drink at all now. Brendan knows and he’s been a big help. To be fair, I ain’t seen a whole lot of him because most of his work is here but when he was over there, we met up. He came to some of my gigs and shit. He kinda opened the lines of communication with Justin, knowing he deals with mental illness but also because Brendan’s going to be on tour with him as a musical director so he just pulled some strings for me when I was really needing help to get shit back on track.”
Merlin went back to sit down, face scrunched up. “Wish I’d remembered not drinking was the better idea. I know I said this last time but remind me to never touch the shit again. How long have you been seeing Brendan? Sorry, I’m totally outta the loop on work stuff and the tour. I’ve been away and…” He paused to rub his face, coming back to this subject making him feel tired again. Damien had been so honest and open, Merlin knew he had to do the same, if only because he needed Damien to understand why things were under wraps. “Brandon’s got leukemia. He’s going through chemotherapy. That’s not public knowledge. Neither is the fact he’s gay. For contractual reasons to do with the show, he’s being kept in the closet.”
Damien’s mouth fell open and he put a hand on his cheek. “And you just let me sit here fucking talking about myself for the better part of half a friggin hour, buddy? Fucking hell. I’m so sorry. Is he gonna be okay? Is he gonna make it? I had no idea there was a chance you weren’t straight. You’ve been here for him, right? To help him and all?” he asked Jesse. “How did you meet him? Can’t believe my baby bro’s hit the big time.”
“Hardly. Not many people know I’m dating him. I’m okay with that. He needs privacy right now and I can give him that. It’s just really hard some days. Fuck, I’m sorry.” The urge to cry hit Merlin out of the blue and he covered his face with his hands. He was pretty proud of himself for how well he had dealt with everything but now the road trip was over, he was hyper-aware of the fact Brandon was a ticking timebomb if they couldn’t find a marrow donor for him. That was part of why he got drunk. He hadn’t wanted to think about what was supposed to happen when they got back to New York.
Jesse gave Damien a pointed look that clearly said, ‘You better the fuck be ready to come back into his life as full-blown big brother or I’ll cut you and your balls off’, while he went back to rubbing Merlin’s back. He knew the last leg of the road trip had been tough on Merlin. Merlin’s track record indicated he only resorted to booze when he was upset and struggling to maintain control on his emotions. With Merlin and Brandon crashed in bed, Jesse sat down with Wesley and had a good talk. Wes filled him in on what went down so neither Merlin or Brandon had to give the running commentary. It was sweet as hell that Wes and Brandon already liked each other and got along. He knew there was a very real chance Merlin would go to live with Brandon and it would wonderful for him, being on-hand to help Brandon when he could rather than being here worrying about him. Jesse understood that stuff. He moved in with Jace not long after they started dating and never looked back. It was right for them, nevermind what ‘normal’ tried to dictate. “Brandon’s only chance of beating this is a bone marrow transplant but he doesn’t have any biological family, so clinically, it might be an uphill battle. Chemo’s just being used to buy him some time but it’s taking its toll on him.”
“I think it’s freaking awesome you’ve got a boyfriend, buddy. I’m just so sorry he’s ill. It means the world that you told me. I know you didn’t have to trust me with the info,” Damien murmured, sitting forward. If the room was smaller, he would want to reach over to hold his brother’s hand. “My god, he’s such a cool fucking guy. If his show was around when I was younger, I’d seriously wanna be his character when I grew up. Am I allowed to be impressed with my baby bro’s pulling skills?”
Merlin wiped his eyes with the heels of his palms and managed a smirk. “If you’re going to fangirl his assets, please keep it above the belt. I might not have an all-access pass while he’s sick but I do get the exclusive. Just for the record, though, no one was pulling anything when we met.”
Jesse smirked, amused. “Until later.”
Damien held up his hands. “Wait. You lost your V-card to him?! My baby brother, bitches!” he laughed, sitting back again with a fond and impressed shake of his head. “Well, shit, huh. You’ve gone and grown up. Fuck, I feel old. When did this happen? I know you said you ain’t gay but do I get a hint of what you discovered you were? When I left, you were dating Cassidy, I think.”
“Just a few weeks back. We ain’t been together too long but we had to take a road trip, so it’s been a really intense few weeks. We met before Christmas when I was in London.” Merlin knew his travels would be news to Damien and he put his hands up. “No, I wasn’t going to so don’t ask me why I didn’t. You know why. I was over there for an acting program as part of my college course. I had to get away after the adoption thing and Caden gave me a glowing reference for the program. I attended some theatre events with Caden’s company while I was there and one Brandon just happened to be at as a VIP. It was a chance encounter. It wasn’t a hook-up. Hook-ups ain’t my thing.”
“It’s okay. I get it, buddy. You were pissed at me. Mom said you didn’t want her to talk to me about what you were up to. I’d like to talk to you, though. To hear what you’ve been up to from you. Not now. It sounds like you’ve had a rough few weeks and you’ve got your hands full with Brandon - no pun intended. Maybe we could hang out, though?” Damien suggested.
Merlin nodded and smile. “Sure. I’d like that. Life’s going to be a balancing act for me going forward but we’ll be in rehearsals together and stuff. Maybe you can swing by Brandon’s place after his chemo one day. I’ll be sticking close where I can and he sleeps a lot with the infusions. Hang on, do you have somewhere to stay? Are you staying with Brendan?”
“You’re welcome to crash here until you get a more permanent place to stay. If you don’t mind sharing a room with Wes, that is,” Jesse offered with a shrug.
“Wes? As in the Wes and Merl Show? Damn, the gang’s all here. No, look. I’ll go check into a hotel, it’s no big deal. With Brandon and the stuff with Evan, I don’t wanna put anyone out. Pretty sure I could crash at Tara and Lachlan’s if I can keep my eyes open long enough to get to their place. It’s cool but I definitely do wanna catch up with you both. Seriously, I just wanna give you both another hug.” Damien got up and went over, putting his arms around them both, feeling a huge weight lift from his shoulders. He knew there was still work to make amends to them both and catch up, but it was a better start than he could hope.
Jesse stood up and held his hands up. “No, no. Seriously, dude, I insist. We’ve always got a lot going on here. It’s been a rough year for all of us. You can sleep off the jetlag and have some time with Merlin in between… well, Brandon gets really sick with the chemo but all things considered, maybe it’ll help for you to see how amazing Merlin has been taking care of the person he loves. We’re all so proud of him.”
Merlin was blushing when he pushed up from the sofa. “It’s nothing. Anyone would do it. I should go check on him, especially considering he passed out in the kitchen this morning and needed stitches on his head. But stay, Damo. You’ve shared a room with Wes before. He doesn’t snore but he’ll probably make every attempt to out-fart you. I think you should talk to him. Ask him why I think that and he’ll tell you. I think here’s where you need to be right now, so things aren’t weird when we start working together. Justin’s been working hard as hell after his relapse last year. He doesn’t need us being awkward with each other.” He gave Damien a little nudge in the arm as he stepped aside. “I’m glad you’re back, Damo.”
Jesse saw Damien watching Merlin as he left the room and gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Come on, dude, I’ll put the kettle on and show you to the guest room. I think Wes is still crashed out there but he was up so late, you won’t bother him.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Unexpected Reunions
Where: New York City, NY
When: After this
The final part of the roadtrip wasn’t fun. Merlin feeling like he needed a beer at the motel they stopped at turned into Merlin wiping himself out because he was both a lightweight and mixing booze with his ADHD meds wasn’t a good idea. It had loosened him up and the three of them ended up having fun and laughing a lot. The fact Brandon could through all he was dealing with said a lot but Merlin’s hangover meant Wes did a lot of the driving home and Merlin was miserable and in a crappy mood. About the only silver lining was that for a little bit, his and Brandon’s positions switched - it was Brandon taking care of him but Merlin’s mood didn’t make it an easy task. All the stress of the previous weeks careened to the forefront and came out like a demon during his hangover.
So, getting back to New York, things were a little tense. Merlin stopped talking completely and his answers to any questions were single words, if words even came at all. Seven hours in the car wasn’t the best idea but it got them home. The were spending a couple of nights at Merlin’s to recover from the trip before going to Brandon’s so he could restart the chemo infusions. Merlin crawled into his bed as soon as they were home and crashed hard. When he woke up the next morning, he was alone in the bed and there was a very real terror for a few moments that his terrible hangover mood destroyed everything and Brandon cut his losses, walking away.
Closer inspection (and with his glasses on), Brandon’s luggage was all still there in its Louis Vuitton glory. All his medications were lined up on Merlin’s dresser and both their jackets were lying over the back of the little sofa by the window. The pile of dirty laundry from their trip was stacked on the floor at the end of the bed, items from both their wardrobes intermingled. He took a long shower, brushing his teeth, shaving. Then he plucked up the courage to go out to see where Brandon was and if he was okay. He found Brandon in the living room, sitting having a cuppa with Nana Turner. He was wearing Merlin’s favourite bathrobe, the fluffy Hufflepuff one with yellow edges and a hood that Brandon was wearing. He looked freaking adorable in it.
Brandon spotted him coming into the living room, sheepishness obvious all over Merlin’s face. “There he is. Hey, sweetheart. You’re looking better.” He put his mug down so he could get up and shuffle over to give Merlin a kiss and a warm cuddle. He pulled back so he could see his face, laughing softly and rubbing some circles to his back. “Feeling better?”
Nana Turner smiled, rising from the sofa. “I’ll leave you boys to it.”
“I was fucking awful, I’m so sorry,” were the first words out of Merlin’s mouth. He took Brandon’s hand but just ended up cuddling him some more “I really don’t have a good track record with booze. I just needed to switch off a little, I guess. I don’t know. Shit, I really thought you would be gone when I woke up.”
Brandon smiled and led Merlin over to the sofa. “Come, sit. I’ve had a bit of a rough morning. I passed out in the kitchen and banged by head. Blood was pissing out everywhere. Luckily Christian was there to make sure I hadn’t giving myself brain damage and Jesse stitched the cut. Three fricken sutures.” He pushed his hair back, showing Merlin the wound in his hairline and Jesse’s expert suturing skills. “You were drunk, babe. Really, really drunk. Then really, really hungover. I would be a hypocrite if I got my panties in a knot about that when I fucked up the same way back in Iowa. Let’s just chalk it up to a culmination of a really fucking exhausting and stressful trip. You weren’t awful, you were just honest and in a shitty mood. We’re all entitled to that sometimes.”
“Oh my god,” Merlin cried, softly touching Brandon’s face to get a closer look at the cut. There was some messy bruising around the sutured wound but Brandon’s hair concealed the worst of it where it hung down into his eyes. He wrapped his arms around Brandon and kissed him. When it was over, brushed his hand up and down Brandon’s arm, their foreheads tucked together in the embrace. “Honest in a shitty mood and stupid. I’ve always been a lightweight. Drinking with the adderall speeds it up even more. None of it was because you asked me to move in with you, though.”
Brandon put his finger to Merlin’s lips. “It’s okay. I know. And there’s no rush on making any decisions. I just navigated that whole thing in the worst possible way. I was going to ask you before I spoke to Wes about it but you had your hands full trying to deal with the adoption stuff and had your granddad’s birthday. Wes really helped me that night and I wanted to help him. Figured I had the resources, so why not.”
“I can tell you’re feeling okay this morning. Is it bad I kinda wanna smuggle you back to bed for a ‘lil while?” The doorbell rang and Merlin called out, “I’ll get it! Just for the record because I can’t remember if I said it while I was drunk but I love that you wanna help him. Do you know how much of a relief it would be for me to know he was there as a back-up while you’re this ill? There might not be a rush but I do have an answer. Let me just get the door.” Before he went to the door, he leaned over and gave Brandon another quick kiss.
“Oh, you’re going to leave me hanging? Rude,” Brandon joked, smirking as he gladly checked Merlin’s butt out in his trackpants on his way to the door. “I wouldn’t be opposed to being smuggled, you know.”
Merlin didn’t know if anyone was expecting visitors. He didn’t even know who was home right now, other than the fact Jesse was around somewhere because he promised Merlin they could talk once he slept his exhaustion and shitty mood off. He flicked the chain off the door and pulled it open. When he saw who was there, he nearly stumbled backward but managed to grab the door to keep himself upright. “What the fuck…”
Damien had driven himself up the wall stressing how to face Merlin again. To face Jesse. To face Liam. The plane trip home from Edinburgh seemed to drag on forever because he just wanted to get back to NYC and face the music. Now he knew where the cookie had crumbled and his life had taken the most surreal abrupt detour when he found himself at a crossroads. He had gotten off the plane and caught at cab straight over. It had been nerve-wracking waiting to see who would answer the door and how they would take him showing up out of the blue like this. He offered his baby brother a hesitant smile. “Hey, buddy. Long time, no see.”
Merlin just stood there gaping, struggling to find any appropriate words. It suddenly felt like a whole lifetime since he had last been in breathing distance of Damien and he didn’t have enough time in the moment to figure out how he should feel. Damien had been overseas touring and performing at bars across the UK, according to their mom because Merlin stopped replying to Damien’s attempts to communication with him when they only ever came sporadically, like he was nothing but an afterthought. “Uh… hey.”
“I know, I know, baby bro. I’m sorry for…” Damien was sorry for so much, he couldn’t summarise it in one sentence. Merlin’s welcome was cold and the fact he hadn’t invited him in was telling. He deserved the cold shoulder, no doubt about that. “I’ve had an incredible opportunity that I couldn’t pass up and I wanted you to be the first to know.”
Merlin scratched the back of his head and then held up a hand. “Look, Damo… what do you want from me? We’re not brothers. No blood, remember? You don’t owe me anything. You can keep your… whatever you left for. My real brother takes care of me just fine. This ain’t a good time anyway. I’ve got company. So, have a good life. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
Damien put his hand on the door to stop Merlin from closing it on him. “Wait, Merly. Just give me a second, even though I know I don’t deserve it.” All that hurt like a massive kick in the guts. That was how Merlin really felt? Like Damien had walked on his job as a big brother and as a result, Jesse took over? That part made sense. Jesse had a huge heart and was one of the most loyal people to ever exist. Of course he stepped up for Merlin once all the shit came to light. “I’m still your big brother.”
“Why are you here, Damien?” Merlin demanded, frustrated and losing his patience. “No, seriously, why? After… however many months of you not giving a shit about me.”
“I just didn’t know how to face you, buddy, after the whole ad--” Damien cut himself off, hanging his head, drawing his lip between his teeth. Suddenly he was feeling incredibly jetlagged.
Merlin stared at him and the silence was thick and heavy. “You knew. You knew I was adopted, didn’t you?”
Damien closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Please don’t hate me, buddy.”
“When did you find out?” Merlin gave Damien a small shove out of sheer frustration, trying to get him to look at him and meet his eyes. “Tell me!”
It worked, Damien looked up at his little brother. He knew he couldn’t hide the guilt from his face. “From the start. Mom and Dad told me one day I was getting a new baby brother like I’d been praying for and the next day you were just… there. I didn’t understand the concept of adoption until I was about eight, though. They told me more then.”
Merlin nodded, clearing his throat as he looked away, breaking the eye contact. “Right. ‘Course you did.” He paused, biting his lip and fighting off the emotions creeping up inside him. “So, why are you here?”
“We’re going to be working together. Justin called me up, asked me to be his supporting act on his tour. I wanted to tell you myself,” Damien told him, now full of apprehension about the big reveal. He had been so excited that this might be a way he could heal the rift between him and Merlin, be able to spend time with him to explain everything.
Merlin chewed the corner of his lip, giving Damien a pretty intense stare-down while that information processed. He took a deep breath and exhaled heavily. “Then there’s something you need to know…” He stepped back and pushed the door leading to the living room open, revealing Brandon sitting on the edge of the sofa, no doubt hearing the entirety of the exchange between Merlin and Damien. Brandon pressed his lips together in an uncertain smile and gave Damien a little wave.
Damien was pretty sure he was seeing things when he followed Merlin inside and there was a freaking A-List TV star sitting on the sofa in a bathrobe. Granted a pale, slightly thinner version with a bruised face. Was that really the dude from Wicked Symphony? It was an awesome TV show, he watched it all the time but… WTF? “Uh…” He blinked, his turn to gape now. “Is that…?”
“Brandon, this is Damien. Damien, this is Brandon… my boyfriend.” Merlin gestured to Brandon and gave him a faint smile so Brandon knew he was okay. Brandon would have heard the whole exchange from where he was sitting. He knew he and Damien had been estranged for awhile now but not really why, if only because Merlin didn’t know why himself. It was one subject he never stuck long on because it made him feel stupid, not knowing why his own supposed brother stopped bothering to contact him after Merlin found he was adopted. What he did know was that Damien didn’t know much about his life lately because Merlin specifically asked his parents not to keep him informed. He told them that if Damien wanted to know about his life, he knew where he was. He could ask himself. And now… here he was, apparently. Only because Justin was giving him a job, it seemed.
Damien stood there with his mouth hanging open staring at Brandon until his brain gave him a kick and reminded him it was rude to stare. He quickly looked back to Merlin but his gaze was still drawn to Brandon a few moments later. “You’re gay? And he’s your boyfriend?” Fuck, Damien had been out of the closet a long time now and he could barely get a relationship to stick beyond a month these days, let alone knock one out of the park and nail a fucking massive celebrity to come sit in his living room in a bathrobe.
“Nope,” Merlin said, sitting down by Brandon and putting his hand on Brandon’s knee. “You better sit down. Things are complicated and I need to make sure you respect that.”
“Bi, then. Sorry.” Damien sat and found that he was waiting for Brandon to open his mouth and say something, like that would somehow firm up proof this guy was really a famous star that was now somehow dating his little brother Damien always thought was straight. On the show, Brandon had this deep and husky voice and it gave his singing vocals a real signature edge. It was probably part of why he got the part. Damien knew from Google that he recorded the vocals himself for the show, he wasn’t lip-syncing someone else’s singing, which is why Damien liked the show. The character was pretty much what Damien grew up wanting to be his whole life, a rockstar in all his glory.
Merlin had this burst of irritation when he realised that needing to deal with Damien’s sudden appearance meant he couldn’t smuggle Brandon to bed, but he didn’t let it stick on him. Brandon really didn’t need to see him in another shitty mood so soon after all his hangover faux pas on the trip home. “Not that either.”
Brandon couldn’t only see the tension between Merlin and his other brother, he could feel that Merlin’s whole being was tight and stiff. Damien looked different to the few pictures Brandon saw around the Larson house in South Carolina. His hair was lighter and longer, he had some piercings, was wearing nail polish, and had an all-around more rock look to him. He was pretty hot, no doubt about that, but he could see there was no biological resemblance to Merlin. Merlin definitely looked more like Jesse with the dark eyes and dimples. “I might go lie down, sweetheart, let you guys talk.” He gave Merlin a soft lingering kiss and stood, giving Damien a smile as he stood. “Nice to meet you, dude.”
“Feeling sick, darlin’? Can you track Jesse down and get him to come through? Thanks.” Merlin really, really, really wanted Brandon to stick there for moral support but he also knew this first confrontation with Damien was brotherly family business Brandon didn’t need to be subjected to.
“Just a little pain. It’s okay. I’ll find Jesse.” Brandon affectionately brushed his fingers through Merlin’s hair and left them to it.
After witnessing the clearly easy PDA with Merlin and Brandon, Damien watched Brandon go, feeling his stomach clench with nerves hearing Jesse was here too. That was definitely Brandon Blake, the voice was undeniable. Holy fucking hell, his baby brother nabbed a TV star somehow. He wanted to give Merlin a knowing grin and issue some big brotherly teasing about it but he wasn’t sure he was entitled to big brotherly anything with Merlin anymore. “Is he sick?” he asked. He rubbed his hand over his mouth, shaking his head. “Shit, Merl, I had no idea you were…” He gestured with his hand in lieu of knowing what Merlin’s sexuality was. Maybe he was just experimenting.
Merlin just gave Damien an even look. There was so much he could say to that but ultimately, just stayed quiet. There was a little voice in his head telling him to be pissed off at Justin for not giving him the heads-up about this but it wasn’t Justin’s fault. At all. For one, Merlin had been absent and Justin respected his personal leave. They chatted a bit online in group chats but he was always insistent work could wait and they would recalibrate on everything when Merlin was back in NYC. He knew if Justin had personally selected Damien as his supporting act for his tour, there were creative reasons behind it.
“Merlin, you okay, buddy? Brandon said you needed--” As soon as Jesse walked into the room he ground to a halt when his eyes landed on Damien. “Oh…”
Seeing Jesse, the first thing Damien noticed was how good his (possibly ex) best friend looked. Jesse had always been hot but he seemed extra so after all this time. “Hey, Jess,” he greeted him quietly and then after a few moments of inner-panic about how to navigate this whole thing, he knew the truth was the only way. “Look, guys, I know I’m a cunt and I know how it seemed but there’s a reason I went away when I did. Well… two reasons, really,” he admitted, looking to Merlin sadly.
Jesse checked his phone to make sure there were no messages or texts from Jace before he took the spot on the sofa beside Merlin. “Sure, but I might get a call and have to leave. Jace is at the hospital with Evan and Christian. He’s stressing about everything going on and I’m worried he might have a seizure.” He put his hand on Merlin’s arm. “Is Brandon okay?”
Merlin nodded with a smile at Jesse automatically checking on Brandon and being at the ready for Jace and Evan. Once a natural nurse, always a natural nurse. “He’s got pain but he’s okay. He showed me his head. Jeezus fuck. Thank fuck you know how to suture or it would’ve been a blood bath.”
“Wasn’t far off. Don’t worry too much. I think he was dizzy because he needed a little something to eat. Everything stayed down too, as far as I know.” Jesse gave Merlin’s back a little supportive rub.
Damien never felt more on the outer than he did watching his brief chat between Jesse and Merlin. Not only did it hit him directly in the face how alike Merlin and Jesse were not he had them side-by-side and knew they were related by blood but he could see Jesse was the big brother Merlin wanted and needed, a ball Damien should never have dropped, no matter what happened. “What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with Evan?” He asked, but he fully expected to be ignored or left out because he didn’t deserve to know.
“Evan came back from a placement with Doctors Without Borders really ill and was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. He’s having a bad flare up, he’s finding out if he needs more surgery,” Jesse explained and gave Merlin a hesitant glance. “I won’t say anything about Brandon, it’s up to Merlin to say anything. Brandon’s privacy is his and Brandon’s business.”
Merlin had slumped back in the seat and he was playing with the tie on his trackpants, a little frown settled on his features. He didn’t really want to be dealing with this right now. He wanted to be resting with Brandon after their trip. But it was what it was. “You know what? I don’t know if I can trust you. How can I just put private information about my boyfriend out there and not have a single damn clue if you’ll keep it confidential? I don’t even know you anymore.”
Hearing Merlin say ‘boyfriend’ like that was surreal for Damien. He wondered what sexuality Merlin identified as, when he realised it, how he came out. He had missed it all and he felt like an asshole because of it. “No matter what’s happened, spilling confidential shit is something I’d never do. Do you think Justin would agree to work with me if I did shit like that?”
“Working with Justin? What have I missed?” Jesse asked and then held his hand up. “It’s a really complicated situation, dude. Merlin’s been through a lot these last few weeks. It’s not just a matter of being okay talking about. It’s difficult circumstances no matter how disconnected from our lives you’ve been. Maybe you should just tell us what’s been going on and why you dropped off the face of the earth and then he can decide if he wants to confide in you. Yeah?” He looked at Merlin, checking if he was okay with this tactic. He knew there was a very real chance Merlin might just want to tell Damien to go fuck himself and walk out.
Merlin gave a curt nod of agreement but now his arms were crossed over his chest, his defences rapidly going up. “Justin asked him to be his supporting act for his tour.”
Damien nodded and sat forward, really wishing he could soften the blow of his return for Merlin. He knew Merlin was angry and upset but Jesse just seemed indifferent. He was a little shocked to see Damien there but he wasn’t phased in the slightest beyond anything other than Merlin being upset. “Yeah, he did. But it’s not really as simple as that. There’s a lot I need to fill you in on but I’m just trying to figure out where to start. Okay… Justin didn’t just randomly call me up one day and offer me the job. It happened because I was dating someone he has links to. He was canvassing potential supporting acts who had a certain style to compliment the show he’s creating. Maybe I was just in the right place at the right time. I dunno. I’ll know more when I meet with him.”
“Someone he has links to when you’ve been living in the UK for ages?” Jesse asked, really not following. It was true, he was indifferent about Damien’s appearance. He had walked away from that awhile ago now, knowing there was no point forcing a friendship that clearly wasn’t working anymore. His life had changed extensively since they had been best friends in South Carolina. He had escaped to New York because Damien was here and but he had forged his own life without the friendship. People grew apart. It happened.
Damien nodded again, confirming the anomaly. “When I say ‘dating’, it was more like an affair. A secret affair. Not many people know about it. Justin kind of called me out on it. Kid’s not backwards in coming forwards. It’s Brendan. I’ve been dating Brendan over in the UK on the hush. When he’d come back to the UK for work or to visit family, we were hooking up. Things with him and Trey fell apart. All we did was arrange to have a drink at a pub in London and it just kind of progressed. It was a big deal because I hadn’t really dated anyone seriously since Liam. I know it’s shit but it’s what it was.”
Merlin scratched his forehead while his brain worked to connect the dots but it wasn’t easy to make sense of it. “Isn’t that epically awkward now Trey’s Justin’s attorney? Fuck, I don’t get it. Still doesn’t explain why you pissed off and stopped caring.”
“Did you know Brendon was hospitalised a few weeks back? It’s a bit of a mindfuck here with one of you dating Brandon and the other dating Brendan. I apologise in advance if my epileptic brain mixes that up sometimes.” Jesse shook his head, forehead creasing with just as much confusion as Merlin was experiencing.
“Yeah, I know. He had a really bad migraine and was dehydrated because he was so sick. He gets them as bad as Merl does. I wanted to be here for him but I was booked for gigs in Birmingham and really need the cash so I could move back here.” Damien pushed his hair back and tucked it behind his ears. He’d had it long for awhile now and the curls he had as a kid grew back with a vengeance. His fans seemed to like it and it felt more like him. “I pissed off because I was kind of forced to. Or at least strongly advised to get away for a bit to let dust settle. This is where it gets complicated. You know how Liam was raped? The guy who did it was killed when Tyler had the psychotic break, because he’d attacked Tyler too. When Liam and I were trying to patch things up and try again, even if it didn’t work, he revealed to me that there was another guy involved. He didn’t participate in the rape but he kind of entrapped Liam as the victim that night in the bar.”
Jesse sighed, wondering where all this serious stuff was leading and how Damien was so involved, it forced him to leave the country ‘until the dust settled’. “What did you do?” he asked quietly. “Something Liam knows nothing about or he would’ve told me.”
Merlin groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Fuck, I don’t wanna know. What the fuck has this got to do with you just pissing off out of my life when I told I was adopted?! Is that too much to fucking ask an explanation of? I don’t even wanna do this. I wanna be with Brandon.”
“I assaulted the guy, okay? I found him on Facebook and it said where he worked. I waited for him one night and beat the shit out of him. I was stupidly drunk because I wasn’t dealing with the fact I couldn’t help Liam and I was failing our second chance at a relationship. It’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done in my life but I got so fucking angry at how badly damaged he was. I wasn’t thinking.” Damien couldn’t even look at Jesse or Merlin now. He was ashamed, especially knowing it impacted on them. “So, I was arrested and it was just by sheer dumb luck Euan was at the precinct where they chucked me in the lock-up overnight. He intervened and told me trying to take the law into my own hands like that never ended well because I was risking too much. Ultimately, he was instrumental in getting me a suspended sentence. I had a drinking problem. It got worse when Liam broke up with me for the second time and when Merlin told me he was adopted. Because I knew he was. I’ve always known. Not that you were brothers or who his birth mother was. That was a mindfuck. Once he found out, I felt so fucking guilty. I knew how much it would upset him if I told him I always knew. It was around the same time Euan told me to get out of the city to regroup, so I went to stay with Lachlan’s family in Edinburgh and did a rehab program over there. When I was in the program, they diagnosed me with dysthymia. That’s literally the whole story.”
Once Damien finished, he had Merlin’s complete attention again. Merlin’s anger began to dissipate around the time Damien said Euan intervened. Euan would never have just intervened on a minor case like that if there wasn’t a reason or he didn’t feel Damien should have that sort of help. “I…” he mumbled but there was so much Damien just revealed here, he was lost for words. He knew no matter how hurt he was that Damien had seemed to cut ties from him, there was obviously a lot more to the story than just not wanting Merlin to be his brother. That didn’t make sense anymore, now Damien admitted he knew since Merlin was a baby that he was adopted. “What’s dysthymia? Why didn’t you just tell me all that? Did you think I couldn’t handle it?”
Jesse was softly rubbing Merlin’s back, knowing this was going to be hard to absorb right on the back of his harrowing road trip with Brandon. “Yeah, you know we would’ve understood, right? You could’ve come to any of us for help.”
“Partly, Merl. But it wasn’t even so much that I thought you couldn’t handle it than not wanting to hurt you. I was terrified how you’d react that I knew you were adopted and be pissed at me for not telling you sooner and lying to you. I know you, I know it’s how you would’ve felt. I realise the way I handled everything - or didn’t handle it - fucked a lot of things up and I’ve clearly missed important shit like your not-straight sexuality and a sick TV star boyfriend. A lot of it was just that I didn’t know how to talk about it, talk about my feelings. That’s why I was drinking. It was easier and blurred everything out for awhile.” Damien watched Jesse rubbing Merlin’s back. It was so sweet but it was painful. He used to be the big brother Merlin always looked up to, trailed around after, worshipped, even, when they were younger. He would clean him up if he fell off his bike or take care of him when bullies were picking on him at school. He dropped the ball so badly. “Dysthymia’s also called Persistent Depressive Disorder. It’s a type of depression. Not as severe as what you’d see in, like, Liam or Justin, but when it hits, it lasts longer. I’m not suicidal or anything like that. It’s just like, I feel flat. Like my battery’s run outta power. I sleep a lot, don’t have much of an appetite, start hating myself, feel useless and hopeless, which is what made me fuck up. I convinced myself I was so useless, no one back here needed me anymore. I buried my head in the sand rather than dealing with shit.”
Merlin was shaking his head. “That’s not true. I always fucking needed you. You were my big brother. Jesse wasn’t replacing you, I had room for two brothers, you know. My world fucking fell apart when I found out I was adopted and I didn’t know who the hell I was anymore. I’m only just figuring it out. We could’ve dealt with it together.” He got up then and went over to give Damien a hug. “Are you sick now with it? Is that why you hooked up with Brendan? Does he know about it? I really just wish you told me but I guess I with how bad I lost my shit over the adoption, I didn’t give you much to work with. You fucking got arrested and tried to go all that alone? What the fuck.”
Jesse smiled when Merlin finally pulled back on his anger and went to hug Damien. He was pretty sure they both needed it. Building bridges, you had to start somewhere. Being a nurse, Jesse could see with all Damien was saying how the dysthymia led him to make choices he probably wasn’t proud of. Feeling hopeless and withdrawing were classic symptoms of depressive disorders. “Did they put you on medication or prescribe therapy, something to help control it?”
The relief Damien felt when Merlin hugged him was dizzying. He held him tight, returning it with everything he had. “I missed you, baby bro. I need you to know that. None of it was ever because I didn’t want you to be my brother. I just thought you’d feel betrayed that I didn’t tell you that you were adopted. I never thought it was a thing. You were always just my baby brother, it didn’t matter how I got you. I’m back now. I don’t wanna be away from home anymore. And yeah. I’m on meds, just something mild to keep it controlled and I’ve been having therapy. I’ve got a referral for someone new here in the city. I don’t drink at all now. Brendan knows and he’s been a big help. To be fair, I ain’t seen a whole lot of him because most of his work is here but when he was over there, we met up. He came to some of my gigs and shit. He kinda opened the lines of communication with Justin, knowing he deals with mental illness but also because Brendan’s going to be on tour with him as a musical director so he just pulled some strings for me when I was really needing help to get shit back on track.”
Merlin went back to sit down, face scrunched up. “Wish I’d remembered not drinking was the better idea. I know I said this last time but remind me to never touch the shit again. How long have you been seeing Brendan? Sorry, I’m totally outta the loop on work stuff and the tour. I’ve been away and…” He paused to rub his face, coming back to this subject making him feel tired again. Damien had been so honest and open, Merlin knew he had to do the same, if only because he needed Damien to understand why things were under wraps. “Brandon’s got leukemia. He’s going through chemotherapy. That’s not public knowledge. Neither is the fact he’s gay. For contractual reasons to do with the show, he’s being kept in the closet.”
Damien’s mouth fell open and he put a hand on his cheek. “And you just let me sit here fucking talking about myself for the better part of half a friggin hour, buddy? Fucking hell. I’m so sorry. Is he gonna be okay? Is he gonna make it? I had no idea there was a chance you weren’t straight. You’ve been here for him, right? To help him and all?” he asked Jesse. “How did you meet him? Can’t believe my baby bro’s hit the big time.”
“Hardly. Not many people know I’m dating him. I’m okay with that. He needs privacy right now and I can give him that. It’s just really hard some days. Fuck, I’m sorry.” The urge to cry hit Merlin out of the blue and he covered his face with his hands. He was pretty proud of himself for how well he had dealt with everything but now the road trip was over, he was hyper-aware of the fact Brandon was a ticking timebomb if they couldn’t find a marrow donor for him. That was part of why he got drunk. He hadn’t wanted to think about what was supposed to happen when they got back to New York.
Jesse gave Damien a pointed look that clearly said, ‘You better the fuck be ready to come back into his life as full-blown big brother or I’ll cut you and your balls off’, while he went back to rubbing Merlin’s back. He knew the last leg of the road trip had been tough on Merlin. Merlin’s track record indicated he only resorted to booze when he was upset and struggling to maintain control on his emotions. With Merlin and Brandon crashed in bed, Jesse sat down with Wesley and had a good talk. Wes filled him in on what went down so neither Merlin or Brandon had to give the running commentary. It was sweet as hell that Wes and Brandon already liked each other and got along. He knew there was a very real chance Merlin would go to live with Brandon and it would wonderful for him, being on-hand to help Brandon when he could rather than being here worrying about him. Jesse understood that stuff. He moved in with Jace not long after they started dating and never looked back. It was right for them, nevermind what ‘normal’ tried to dictate. “Brandon’s only chance of beating this is a bone marrow transplant but he doesn’t have any biological family, so clinically, it might be an uphill battle. Chemo’s just being used to buy him some time but it’s taking its toll on him.”
“I think it’s freaking awesome you’ve got a boyfriend, buddy. I’m just so sorry he’s ill. It means the world that you told me. I know you didn’t have to trust me with the info,” Damien murmured, sitting forward. If the room was smaller, he would want to reach over to hold his brother’s hand. “My god, he’s such a cool fucking guy. If his show was around when I was younger, I’d seriously wanna be his character when I grew up. Am I allowed to be impressed with my baby bro’s pulling skills?”
Merlin wiped his eyes with the heels of his palms and managed a smirk. “If you’re going to fangirl his assets, please keep it above the belt. I might not have an all-access pass while he’s sick but I do get the exclusive. Just for the record, though, no one was pulling anything when we met.”
Jesse smirked, amused. “Until later.”
Damien held up his hands. “Wait. You lost your V-card to him?! My baby brother, bitches!” he laughed, sitting back again with a fond and impressed shake of his head. “Well, shit, huh. You’ve gone and grown up. Fuck, I feel old. When did this happen? I know you said you ain’t gay but do I get a hint of what you discovered you were? When I left, you were dating Cassidy, I think.”
“Just a few weeks back. We ain’t been together too long but we had to take a road trip, so it’s been a really intense few weeks. We met before Christmas when I was in London.” Merlin knew his travels would be news to Damien and he put his hands up. “No, I wasn’t going to so don’t ask me why I didn’t. You know why. I was over there for an acting program as part of my college course. I had to get away after the adoption thing and Caden gave me a glowing reference for the program. I attended some theatre events with Caden’s company while I was there and one Brandon just happened to be at as a VIP. It was a chance encounter. It wasn’t a hook-up. Hook-ups ain’t my thing.”
“It’s okay. I get it, buddy. You were pissed at me. Mom said you didn’t want her to talk to me about what you were up to. I’d like to talk to you, though. To hear what you’ve been up to from you. Not now. It sounds like you’ve had a rough few weeks and you’ve got your hands full with Brandon - no pun intended. Maybe we could hang out, though?” Damien suggested.
Merlin nodded and smile. “Sure. I’d like that. Life’s going to be a balancing act for me going forward but we’ll be in rehearsals together and stuff. Maybe you can swing by Brandon’s place after his chemo one day. I’ll be sticking close where I can and he sleeps a lot with the infusions. Hang on, do you have somewhere to stay? Are you staying with Brendan?”
“You’re welcome to crash here until you get a more permanent place to stay. If you don’t mind sharing a room with Wes, that is,” Jesse offered with a shrug.
“Wes? As in the Wes and Merl Show? Damn, the gang’s all here. No, look. I’ll go check into a hotel, it’s no big deal. With Brandon and the stuff with Evan, I don’t wanna put anyone out. Pretty sure I could crash at Tara and Lachlan’s if I can keep my eyes open long enough to get to their place. It’s cool but I definitely do wanna catch up with you both. Seriously, I just wanna give you both another hug.” Damien got up and went over, putting his arms around them both, feeling a huge weight lift from his shoulders. He knew there was still work to make amends to them both and catch up, but it was a better start than he could hope.
Jesse stood up and held his hands up. “No, no. Seriously, dude, I insist. We’ve always got a lot going on here. It’s been a rough year for all of us. You can sleep off the jetlag and have some time with Merlin in between… well, Brandon gets really sick with the chemo but all things considered, maybe it’ll help for you to see how amazing Merlin has been taking care of the person he loves. We’re all so proud of him.”
Merlin was blushing when he pushed up from the sofa. “It’s nothing. Anyone would do it. I should go check on him, especially considering he passed out in the kitchen this morning and needed stitches on his head. But stay, Damo. You’ve shared a room with Wes before. He doesn’t snore but he’ll probably make every attempt to out-fart you. I think you should talk to him. Ask him why I think that and he’ll tell you. I think here’s where you need to be right now, so things aren’t weird when we start working together. Justin’s been working hard as hell after his relapse last year. He doesn’t need us being awkward with each other.” He gave Damien a little nudge in the arm as he stepped aside. “I’m glad you’re back, Damo.”
Jesse saw Damien watching Merlin as he left the room and gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Come on, dude, I’ll put the kettle on and show you to the guest room. I think Wes is still crashed out there but he was up so late, you won’t bother him.”
LOG, COMPLETE