Brandon Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
signofthetimes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-12-19 03:59 am
signofthetimes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-12-19 03:59 am
"You wanna start a personal revolution. What else you gotta do tonight?"
Who: Brandon Blake and Autumn MacDonald
What: Power of apology
Where: Autumn's Apartment, NYC
When: Couple of days after this
Paperwork and contracts seemed to be the theme of Autumn’s week. She was sitting cross-legged on her livingroom floor with piles of paperwork spread out around her. Mark had given her permission to get copies of the paperwork for the various projects Justin was either already involved in or in consideration of. He wanted her to get her head around some of that before she met with them to negotiate her potential new job as Justin’s Assistant Manager. She was busy with her highlighter pen and making notes in the columns. Seriously, she was impressed with this kid before but even more so now she could see in black and white all he did and everything else he was contemplating as an option. She even had access to some of Sasha’s info, the things he had agreed to coming into a relationship with Justin. Mark left no i’s undotted and no t’s uncrossed.
She was in an old well-loved pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. Her minuscule - yet cute - studio apartment was proving to have a silver lining… it was so small that the open fire she scored heated up the small space like a boss. It was toasty and cosy. She was really beginning to like living here but in the city she knew she belonged.
On and off, she had been texting with Justin, though she suspecting the long gaps between his responses meant he was getting his love-making on with his cutie. Who could blame them? In this weather, if Autumn was lucky enough to still have a lover, she would be doing the same thing. Keeping busy meant the loneliness stayed away. It just happened that she was loving this work and she was pretty sure that if she agreed to join Justin’s team, she would learn so much, on top of being proud to represent one of her most favourite humans who was brimming with talent in a business she loved. She had ordered pizza, so when her buzzer sounded, she turned the sound down on her TV a little and got up to get the door.
It wasn’t pizza.
It was the world famous TV star she had been trying to wrangle a few minutes sober with until she turfed the proposed contract in the trash and gave up. Brandon wasn’t pizza, but he was one tall drink of water with dark intense guys that were nailing her. The height difference felt almost dizzying. She looked up at him with a blink of surprise. “Wow. Pizza delivery guys are getting hot these days.”
Brandon straightened up from where he had his hand resting on her door jamb waiting for her to answer. “No pizza. Sorry.” He bit the corner of his lip and cleared his throat. “Can I come in? I owe you an apology. Actually, I’m pretty sure I owe you more than one.”
A little frown of suspicion furrowed between Autumn’s brows and she crossed her arms. “How did you know where I lived?”
“Well, you mentioned Justin Campbell was like a brother to you so I figured I could get my people to contact his people. His people spoke to him and he supplied the address,” Brandon confessed with a little laugh. ‘Sheepish’ didn’t even begin to cut how he was feeling but whatever it was, guilt was definitely intermixed with it.
“That little shit!” Autumn looked over her shoulder at her phone lying on her rug in front of the TV. She had just be texting with him and he hadn’t said a word, and he had been asking about Brandon too. She turned back to Brandon, not sure if it was a good idea to invite him in. She didn’t know how to feel about it but she gave him kudos for making the effort to offer an apology. “If you’re drunk or stoned, I’m going to have to politely decline.”
Brandon shook his head and held up his hands. “No, I’m not. I’m sober, I swear. You just, um…” He paused and scratched the back of his neck. “Is it okay if I come in? I’d rather not do this out in the hall of an apartment building. I’ve learned the hard way how thin walls can be.”
Autumn heaved a reluctant sigh and stepped aside, waving him in. It was cold out anyway and how wrecked he had been over the previous couple of days she saw him, it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to be out in it. “Ah, sorry about the shoebox.” She went in and started raking up all the pages strewn everywhere. The place looked like a bomb hit it but all that stuff was highly confidential, so she stuffed it back into the plastic box she was storing it in and pushed it away from the sofa. “Take a seat. Can I get you drink? I don’t have booze. Soda. Juice. Water. Seltzer. Kombucha. You don’t look like the kombucha type.”
“Seltzer would be great if it’s not raspberry. I’m allergic. Thanks.” Brandon headed into the apartment and had a look around with a small smile, hesitantly sitting on the end of the sofa. “It’s nice. I like it. Cool fire. You can roast marshmallows and all.”
“Oh, please. It’s a matchbox compared to your mansion. You don’t have to be polite. It’s small but it’s home. About all a washed up actress who dwindled her little fortune on shit,” Autumn snorted, digging around in the drawers of her fridge to find the seltzer. She checked to make sure it wasn’t raspberry and grabbed herself a bottle of orange juice. Two glasses were collected from her cupboard and she brought them over to sit beside him. He wasn’t drunk. She could tell already. It was like a different person. He was softly spoken and polite, but seemed almost nervy and even a bit awkward. She put the drinks down and poured them, looking at him analytically. “Good to see you upright. You didn’t have to come. You don’t owe me anything.” He gave him the glass of seltzer.
Brandon accepted the glass and held it up to her in thanks before taking a sip. His tongue swept over his lips, catching the remnant drops. “I do. I owe you an apology. And an explanation, I get that. But you have to understand my need for privacy and confidentiality.”
Autumn took note of him up close in a better light than his apartment had afforded when she had been there. She had watched his show for years but he spent a lot of time in glam/goth make-up in character. It was why they had been trying to book Justin for a guest appearance, he had come to own the resurgence of 80s glam and it was making a comeback because of him, especially with LGBT+ people wanting to express themselves with their chosen gender identities and blur the lines. Here, Brandon wasn’t wearing any makeup and not being drunk, he had a kind face, albeit looking tired and perhaps jaded. “I threw the contract out. Sorry. It’s none of my business anyway.”
“I thought that might’ve been a possibility, so I brought another copy.” Brandon pulled the thick document from where he had rolled it up and squashed it into the inner pocket of his leather jacket. “I really do want to give you an explanation for what a dick I was. Not that I want to make excuses. I don’t. The truth is, I haven’t had the best year so I’m kind of glad it’s nearly over. But I really can’t talk about any of it until you sign a nondisclosure agreement. Even if you don’t want a bar of the rest of it. I know it’s a lot to ask.”
Autumn looked at the document in his hands, a bright pink Post-It sticking out the side. She had just been looking at some NDAs amongst Justin’s papers. Just about everyone around him had signed them, even his family. Sasha had signed one before he even met Justin. “And if I don’t?”
“I’ll understand and respect that. You don’t know me. I’m a complete fucking stranger to you. It’s just complicated.” Brandon set the contract down on her glass coffee table and took another mouthful of his drink. He had feeling this was going to be a short visit. He didn’t want to make anything awkward when she declined. “I am really sorry for being rude, keeping you waiting, dicking you around, nearly vomiting on you. Twice. You didn’t deserve any of that.”
“Did you know I was coming for that meeting?” Autumn asked him again now he was sober, picking the contract up to set in her lap.
Brandon met her gaze and then lowered his eyes, shaking his head. “No. I knew they were, uh… beard shopping? Sorry, that sounds terrible. This is all new to me, I have no idea how to put respectfully. On the face of it, it probably looks like I’ve done it all before, but I haven’t. I was pushing back and they didn’t like it. They just arranged it without me.”
Autumn tilted her head at what he just said. “You mean, other public girlfriend’s you’ve had were legit?” He had barely said anything and she could hear how clearly messy his situation was.
“I don’t know if legit’s the right word. Denial is probably more accurate,” Brandon admitted, feeling uncomfortable. “Regardless, having a relationship in the spotlight is difficult as hell, even without my extraneous issues. I guess that’s something you understand on some level. I can count on one hand the people who know about my sexuality, beyond staff, that is. That’s why I need the NDA signed.”
Autumn nodded and gave an understanding sigh. She flipped the contract open to the page marked with the Post-It. It took her a few minutes to read it all, including the fine print. Soon, she grabbed her pen and signed it, handing it back to him. “Some people I love very much have experienced similar pain in their coming out. My word may not have any weight but you can trust me. I would rather take my own life than contribute to creating someone trauma for something they neither choose nor can help. My relationship wasn’t as in the spotlight as I’m sure yours were. Kyan valued privacy. He’s actually extremely shy and introverted in real life. I know actors aren’t really the characters they play.”
Brandon gave her a grateful smile when she signed. “Thank you. It means a lot that you’re doing this for me after I was a jerk to you. Do you mind if I take a snap and email it to my attorney? He works for Justin’s dad, actually. He’s one of the good guys. On my side.”
Autumn wave her hand, indicating she didn’t mind. That comment piqued her interest, though. “Mark Campbell? Is that how my name ended up on beard ballot paper? I only ask because my ex, Kyan, his twin brother works for Mark. I’m going to put the kettle on. I think tea is needed for this conversation.” She got up and went over to the kitchen, leaving him to send off the photo of the signed NDA. “How long have you known you were gay?”
“Not really. It might have been how they came up with options. I put my foot down on that. I didn’t want any woman massively in the spotlight. I don’t want to create a bigger circus than this already is. It’s already bad enough with people thinking I’m secretly married to my co-star.” Brandon took a photo of the page with Autumn’s signature and emailed it to his principal attorney. He had three who worked for him. “I’ve known for a few years, I guess. It’s only been around a year I’ve actually accepted it and not tried to push it away.”
Being a studio apartment, Autumn could still sort the tea in the kitchen and continue the conversation with Brandon. “So, why only now with the beard recruitment? That’s why you showed up drunk. It’s not what you really want.”
Brandon chewed his inner lip and a frown passed over his face. Nothing about this was easy or comfortable to talk about. He was covered by an NDA now but that was just legal bullshit. The reality of his life was much more complex. “Because I wanted to come out. And I didn’t show up drunk. Just for the record.”
“Stoned, then,” Autumn corrected with a roll of her eyes. The kettle boiled and she poured the water over the tea leaves in her teapot. “The powers that be didn’t want you out? That sucks. I’m sorry. We were spoiled with Caden. Besides the fact he’s gay himself, he always champions equality. They want the fans to still believe the rumours about you and the co-star, then? Or they just worry you’ll get gay cooties all over their precious show?”
“Wasn’t stoned either.” Brandon left out the fact he had been under the influence of prescription medication he shouldn’t have mixed with alcohol or marijuana… for now. “All of the above, really. I threatened to walk from the show if they didn’t let me come out. They were swift to remind me I couldn’t. I’m contractually obligated to them for seven seasons with option to renew. To soften the blow, they put the beard option on the table. And while I really wanted to tell them to stick it, it wouldn’t have made any difference. So, I requested some provisions. One being that I didn’t want anyone as high profile as I am. In the long run, it’s actually all in my favour because it will put reasonable doubt on those rumours, which will make it really difficult for me to date, even in secret. No one will believe I’m into guys so I’d be check-mated from all angles. That’s pretty much the extent of it.”
Autumn brought the tea over on a tray with mugs, cream and sugar and put it on the coffee table to wait for it to brew. “They’d be okay for you to date guys in secret? Is that what you’re saying? Look, dude, don’t BS me about being intoxicated. I was the one you nearly vomited on, remember. You’re going to blame that on food poisoning or something?” She dropped back onto the sofa and put her feet up on the ottoman.
“I have cancer!” Brandon blurted out. He immediately regretted it as soon as the words were out but her persistence over being intoxicated was rubbing him the wrong way. He looked away, letting out a sharp breath, and closed his eyes. He was in it now. No taking it back. “I know the rumours about me. I can’t even deny a lot of them, especially this past month. Accepting I was gay in a world no one wants me to be was hard and I didn’t deal with any of it well. I thought I could just stop feeling so suffocated if I could come out. When I got the news about my health, I just didn’t want to hide it anymore. I didn’t want to die alone, in the closet, with no one.”
“You’re dying?” Autumn gasped, sitting forward. She nearly took his hand, until she remembered she was a stranger to him.
Brandon shrugged. “Maybe. It’s too soon to tell. If I don’t find a bone marrow match, then maybe. The studio, the network execs, the producers… they don’t know. The only ones who do are my manager and my attorneys. I wasn’t drunk or stoned when I got back and found you in my apartment. I wasn’t even hungover the next morning. When I got home, it was after my first dose of chemo. At a secret clinic out of the city. I wanted to be drunk or stoned. That’s how I’ve been dealing since I got the diagnosis a month ago. Shit, did it hit me hard.”
Autumn was speechless. If it felt this awful for her to hear this, she could only imagine how it was for him to go through. She wouldn’t wish this on an enemy. “But… what about your family? Why haven’t you told them?” She put her hand to her mouth when the penny dropped that he must have been vomiting because of the chemo. It was probably making him feel unsteady or any other number of things. She felt terrible for all her assumptions now.
Brandon shook his head and stood up. “I should go. I’ve taken up enough of your time. Thanks for understanding about the whole being a dick thing. I’m pretty wiped out, so I think it’s just best I go. I just need to sleep some of it off.”
“No, don’t go.” Why did Autumn suspect he didn’t have anyone close to be with him through this? She didn’t want to presume anything, though. Not now she was realising how wrong she had been. “I know this place is pretty poxy compared to your’s and just about everything’s in one room save for the bathroom which has really thin walls, but stay for awhile. There’s the fire and tea. I promise I won’t make you talk about any of this anymore. Just kick back and rest. Watch a movie, nap, whatever you need. I don’t mind. I can even make you some soup if you want it. I bought all the stuff at the grocery store yesterday to cook up a batch anyway. How are you feeling? Fuck, I should’ve asked that sooner.”
Brandon looked around uncertainly. “That’s really sweet of you but I wouldn’t want to impose. To be honest, I’m okay. Better than I was. A little like I’ve got the flu, which is how I’ve been feeling for months anyway. I didn’t mean to dump this on you.”
Autumn took his arm and coaxed him to sit again. “There’s nothing to impose upon. It’ll be company for both of us. Kick your shoes off, I’ll get you a blanket. Seriously. It’s the least I can do and Netflix has some great Christmas offerings right now. You got any favourites?” She paused for a moment, wondering if she should continue on the train of thought in her mind. “I’m not going to pretend to be any sort of expert because I’m far from it. And I know all cancer is different. I’m not sure if you know much about our production but Billy Willis, who plays Willard, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer not long after we started out. He had surgery and went through all the chemo. It was a rough ride for. Especially considering his husband had struggles with mental and physical illness. But it hit us all hard when B was sick.”
She felt useless and utterly helpless. There wasn’t anything she could do to ease his pain but if there was anything she learned from having Justin in her life, losing her dad, screwing her life up with bad mistakes, it was that you had to cherish the people who cared and help them when they were down. “I can’t imagine what you’re facing but I’m not completely ignorant to it. I can’t even profess that whatever I’m offering here would help but I can offer friendship and company. I don’t know anything about you beyond what’s public domain. I know nothing about your private life beyond the little surrounding this contract. I know how important friendship is when you’re sick. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way. I’m not doing this out of pity or charity. I’d really like to help. You’ve had a crap few days, in the wake of a crap year and month. Let me just help you out a little. No questions asked, no ulterior motives. So, soup, a blanket and Christmas movies? Have you eaten anything at all? Billy couldn’t keep anything down when he started out with chemo.”
“Billy, he’s the tall guy with really friendly eyes? I’ve seen Footloose a few times. I was a VIP at the opening night. One of the times, it was when Phoenix Wallace was guest-starring in that role. I didn’t realise it was because of cancer.” Brandon wet his lips and even if there was some hesitation and reluctance, he sat down again. He was lost in thought for a bit, conflicted about what he should do. He felt conflicted in everything these days so it wasn’t Autumn causing it. Far from it. Soon, he nodded and offered a small smile. “Okay. Soup sounds great but only if you let me help with something. Bearing in mind I haven’t cooked myself a meal beyond grilled cheese in years. And I honestly can’t remember the last time I watched a Christmas movie. It had to have been something like Home Alone before I got this job.”
Autumn rose, shaking her head. “You can help by staying still, taking your boots off and putting your feet up. If you overdo anything on chemo, you’ll pay for it. How are you going to keep up a ruse if you’re not taking care of yourself when you need it the most? I’m lucky, I have a mom who taught me how to cook and apparently I’m not too bad. Justin can vouch for my soup. I used to ply him with it anytime he got a sniffle and he put himself into a voluntary vow of silence.” She went over to her closet and pulled a thick knitted rug from the top, bringing it back. “That’s definitely our Billy. He’s a bag of fun and always full of laughs. The cancer really knocked the wind out of his sails but he beat it. Do you have close friends or family nearby to help out? I don’t mean anyone on a payroll.”
Brandon held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, I’ll do as I’m told. It’s not like I’m not an expert at that. At least I know you won’t threaten to sue me if I don’t comply.” He started to unbuckle his boots to take them off, even if he still felt like he was imposing and wasn’t quite sure how all this was supposed to play out. She did sign the NDA for him, so he knew that was something. His lips twitched in a smirk. “Russell’s kind of like family. At least, he rides me like a mom on her kid to do their homework. I don’t have any family and friends, well… either I have little time or it’s difficult to know what’s genuine or an attempt to use me. It’s been more of the latter than the former. My closest friends, all three of them, live on the west coast and even then, I don’t think it’s the same sort of deal you have with your close friends. Long story. Really long story…”
Once Brandon had his boots off, Autumn put them aside by the sofa so he didn’t trip on them if he needed to get up for the bathroom. “Feet up,” she coaxed and then tucked the blanket in around him once he found a spot he was comfortable. She was realising Brandon was probably just as much an onion as Justin. You managed to get one little layer pulled back and it revealed many more. His words were understandably guarded and selective. She wouldn’t have expected anything else, all things considered. “Don’t hang your wet towels up in the bathroom or make your bed, huh? Talk about Butler McSlavedriver. No family at all? So, Christmas…?”
Brandom shrugged, indifferent to the holidays. Or maybe you just stopped caring when you didn’t have anyone to share it with. “I’ve got chemo right up to the day before Christmas Eve. Pretty sure I’m not going to want to do anything but sleep and stick close to the bathroom. Christmas hasn’t meant much more to than charity obligations and catching up on sleep for awhile now. The charity stuff, it’s rewarding. It gives meaning but this year, I can’t. Risk of infection and all that. The shitty part about this crap is to pull of keeping it a secret, I have to imply I have some sort of addiction issues so if I’m out of action, they can blame it on being being in rehab or some shit. No family. I’m adopted. Or was adopted, to be more accurate. I don’t have anything to do with my adopted family. What about you? You mentioned brothers and your mom. Sounds like you have some great friends too.”
“Can I ask you something? We don’t have to go there if you don’t want to or you’re not up for it. That can be a blanket disclaimer, by the way. Anything a no-go zone, just say the word. The beard thing. The contract. If it’s something you really feel is about the lesser of two evils, would you need me to be all-in, no exceptions?” Autumn perched on the edge of her glass coffee table so she could see his face, hoping this might at least open the lines of communication for him to talk it out, make his own rules a little and not just fall into line because big wig powers that be had him by the short and curlies. “Don’t worry. I read the contract. About ten times. This stuff is going to be my bread and butter soon, so it was good experience. But… all that’s stripped of absolutely anything personal of you, yet, it’s your life in shackles. What I’m asking is, would you need me to go the whole way, act as if we’re 100% together. My family, friends, the whole thing, believing we’re a couple. Now, I might’ve fucked my career up but I’m a good actress, I can pull it off. Or can it just be a facade, which behind, you can meet my family and friends - as you, the real you - and the rest of the world believes the scam? You would have their confidence, I promise. You just don’t sound like you have anyone to just be there for you while you’re going through this sickness and treatment. And the cunts behind this contract don’t know you’re sick. Or we can just shelve this and not talk about it. You can put Home Alone on and I’ll make soup.”
Brandon was weary with talking about it but she was right. It was his life that was in shackles and had been since he was seventeen. The fact he was ill and going through treatment didn’t help. “Ah... I didn’t read the contract. All they care about is me not appearing queer. Their first choice was Ruby, my co-star. Already got the fanbase. The fans fucking love it. I… deal with her enough at work, I don’t want it filtering into my private life. This was the next deal on the table. I don’t get why you would want to bother putting up with this shit, especially if you’ve got brothers who are gay. In all honesty, I’m so fucking tired, I just don’t give a fuck. I wouldn’t care if everyone you ever met knew and one of them outed me spectacularly to TMZ. But then they’d sue you for breaching contract. So, you tell me. What do you think the answer is? Bearing in mind, I might be dead in six months.”
Autumn looked at him quietly and then softly patted his knee through the blanket. “I think you need to get some rest. You didn’t answer me about whether you’ve been eating, so I’m going to throw the soup together. Think about it, okay? When you’ve got the energy to process it all. Then when you’re feeling up to it, we can talk some more.” She handed him the remote control for Netflix, and then got up and moved to her kitchenette across the room. She got the soup pot out along with the bag of vegetables she got at the market the day before, stealing a few glances at Brandon. “Have you met someone that made you want to come out, or was the cancer diagnosis what triggered it? You haven’t mentioned any partner or potential partner.”
Brandon dropped the remote into his lap and pressed both hands to his face tiredly with a groan. “For someone who keeps fucking saying we don’t need to talk about shit, you slide right back into talk about more shit.” He wasn’t complaining. It was long-suffering more than anything else because he knew she was being kind and he was pretty sure no matter how much he tried to sabotage this beard bullshit, he would still have to do it and end up with some horrid bitch as punishment for not doing what he was told. Autumn didn’t have to do any of this, either. She hadn’t signed the contract. She signed the NDA because she respected the importance of them but the rest was still up in the air. “There’s not someone, per se. There was a maybe I could’ve found out if I’d been out thing. It was before I was diagnosed. I’d been ill but thought it was exhaustion, end of season shoots and all that.”
Autumn was smirking at his reaction to her prodding when she poured the chicken stock into the pot. “I’m a lot of things and a nosy, pain in the ass bitch is definitely one of them. Just ask my brothers. But here’s the thing. You have me under an NDA, so anything you tell me can’t go beyond this apartment. I’m sure Russell’s a fantastic listener, if his shoulder to cry on is as near as good as his butlering. Maybe you just need to get some of it off your chest. I’m not offering to be your resident Dr Phil. I don’t want you to spill your guts on your life story or anything like that. I get a feeling you’re an extremely private person and protective of your privacy. But do you talk to anyone about any of this? So… what was he like? Where did you meet him?”
Brandon snorted in amusement, massaging the bridge of his nose. “Russell’s not the second-coming of Geoffrey from Fresh Prince, you know. I’m not that much of a pretentious asshole. Okay, so maybe I can have my pretentious asshole moments but he only works for me for three or four evenings a week. He’s not my slave. I have a housekeeper and a gardener, both who only work set days and I pay them for it because I don’t have the time to do it myself. I respect and trust my staff, I don’t use them as my own personal confessional.” He didn’t really talk to anyone about his private life. He had some people he considered friends but that wasn’t what they did either. It was mostly shop talk. “He was a sweetheart. I met him in London. It was a BAFTA event. He knew who I was and said he was a fan but he didn’t get crazy up in my face about it. He was connected in the business somehow because everyone there was but we didn’t talk about that. It was one of those days I was over the whole bullshit and he kind of figured that bit out so he suggested we go get a coffee and we went for a walk along the Thames. It was nice. Most real conversation I had in a long time.”
“I’m pulling the piss, buddy. Have all the staff you need and Russell makes a mean coffee. Hell, I know I would if I made it big. Again. I should say again. I could’ve gone a really fucking long way if I stuck with Caden. You’re right on that front, this ‘biz’ fucks with your head. It’s easy to forget what reality is.” Autumn started to peel the carrots, keeping an eye on Brandon without really thinking about it. She was super conscious he had cancer (though he hadn’t said what kind but needing the bone marrow transplant made her think it was some type of leukemia, like Beau) and he had chemo in recent days. She couldn’t say he looked well but he was definitely tough. At the very least, a master of putting up a front. “It was a business event, so you couldn’t exactly just blurt out you were gay and ask him on a date. Fucking bullshit. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine having to live like that. Do they really think you being gay would fuck things up for the show? I guess considering your character is manwhore extraordinaire. I take it he was hot, then? Do I get details? NDA, remember.”
Brandon tilted his head, his turn to give her a penetrating gaze as he listened to her flippant remarks about her life. “So, why did you do it? Fuck it all up? I’m not going to profess I know anything about your situation but I know Caden and his productions are highly respected in the industry and he works to create the best of the best. Meaning, you would never have been there if he didn’t think you had what it took. I couldn’t do what you guys do. Was if because your relationship was on the rocks?” He shrugged, picking up the remote and toying with it, flipping it back and forth in his palms. “I don’t think they’d put it like that. They just don’t want to fuck with their largest fanbases that pull in the high ratings. Scandal sells, just so long as there aren’t two cocks involved. Oh, yeah. He was gorgeous. Short, gorgeous eyes, dimples that wouldn’t quit. We walked, we talked, we drank coffee. That’s the details.”
Autumn shook her head as she pottered around the kitchen, looking for items she needed to finish getting the soup on. “The two issues are separate, really. I fucked both up at the same time but they both didn’t fuck up for the same reason. Not really. It was a bit of Big Head Syndrome and Grass is Greener Syndrome. I let the fame and attention go to my head and started to believe I deserved better. I wanted… well, what you’ve got. Though, I realised the grass definitely wasn’t greener and no one was just going to hand me anything. The relationship died because I was treating him like shit. I basically turned into one of the worst bridezillas and if you knew Kyan, you would understand why that just disconnected him. I regret it all and now I’m doing my damnest to accept that he’s now married to my BFF, who I also lost being a cunt. Though, I think we’re on the road to recovery. They’re Yin and Yang perfect for each other.” She scraped some crushed garlic into the simmering soup. “So, does he have a name? Did you take a cheesy selfie? Was he gay? Is he an actor too?”
Brandon scrunched up his nose, shooting her a look. “Ouch. But, you know what, we learn from our mistakes, as cheesy and cliche as that sounds. Which means, life is pretty much one big set-up to keep fucking up. Just got to resign ourselves to that. All that shit didn’t work out for you, so what’s your plan now? Trust me, this life that you probably thought was awesome and riding high, all that bullshit… it’s just not what it seems. I wouldn’t be here in your apartment if it was. That’s black and white of it.” His brain was getting tired and it didn’t feel like it was working the best. He let out a heavy breath and scratched his forehead with his thumbnail. “No selfie, nothing like that. I just know he’s connected to the business. We didn’t really talk about ourselves, though he did say he was adopted. We had that in common. His name was unusual, like, Merlin or something. Maybe it was Harry. I just remember wizard because he said that. I don’t know, I had a bit to drink and in my own defence, I’d been sick for weeks so the alcohol really went to my head. I’d been living on tomato soup and crackers. Nothing else was staying down. So fucking awkward trying to film and rock up at meet and greets with the happy face plastered on. If I was a chick, the tabloids would be drenched with pregnancy rumours.”
Autumn knew Brandon was hitting the nail on the head here. There was no winding back the clock for a redo of everything she messed up. All she could do was start over and in a lot of ways that felt like exactly the thing she needed to do. “My dad died. He was as fit as any person could be. More than. And he just… keeled over with a heart attack at the wheel with my little brother in the car and died. I thought I dealt with that. I took the big sister route, made sure my brothers were okay and Mom was holding up. I think I just suppressed it the grief and dealing with it. None of it is an excuse but work and my wedding were all convenient things to bury myself into and I took it as far as it could go. Even then, after all that, he was still dead.” She was getting teary and couldn’t even blame the onions. She reached to grab some paper towel to wipe her eyes and then he said that name. She dropped the roll and it went tumbling over the counter and unravelled right up to Brandon’s feet. “W-What did you say his name was?”
Brandon’s brow furrowed when she started talking about her dad. He grabbed the roll of paper towel and got up to roll it back up and give it back to her. “Thank you for confiding in me with that. You didn’t have to and I know that must’ve been hard for you to even bring up. And you know, it kind of sounds like maybe he was watching over you after you started to fuck your life up and got you back on track. He was obviously on your mind when you made the choice to come back and put things right. There’s a lot of shit in this world we can’t explain.” He put the roll onto the counter for her with a little laugh. “I know, right? Cute name, it suited him. I just wish I had better recollection of it. What? You don’t know who he is, do you?”
“I didn’t think about it like that but… that’s really nice. I think I needed to hear that. Damn, all why are all the good ones gay?” Autumn murmured with a laugh, managing to regain her composure. She tossed the remainder of the vegetables into the soup and put the lid on the pot. She took the dishes to the sink, dumping them in there. She could take care of clean-up later. “Um… I may know… of him. Possibly. I don’t want to get your hopes up or anything. Just say I knew someone who knew him and I could maybe makes some enquiries about whether he remembers you, would you want that? Like, you have a seriously complicated everything going on right now. I wouldn’t want to contribute to that when I’m here to try to mitigate it all. And, with all due respect, I think you’d have to consider the impact of all that on someone you’d want to date. I realise as that’s coming out of my mouth that you’ve probably thought about that a billion times over. What you’d have to ask of them to fit your… circumstances.” Like, being a total secret, including hiding the relationship away to not expose the fact Brandon was gay and always risking the chance of being discovered and exposed. If the Merlin he was talking about was the Merlin, he had been through so much in his own life recently, it might not be something he was interested in.
Brandon closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, swallowing heavily. It was all just a bit too much. It was never easy to be confronted by this sort of stuff. “I, um… do you mind if I use your bathroom?” he asked in a rush, pushing away from the kitchen counter.
Autumn quickly pointed to the door to the bathroom just beside the front door of her apartment. She watched him hurry in and close the door so quickly, it slammed. She knew what was coming but she still winced in sympathy when she heard him being sick behind the door. He had done well to hold up this long when he looked like he just needed to crawl under a blanket and sleep some of this pain off. She went up to the bathroom door. “If you need any help, honey, just give me a shout.” She was met with more retching and wished she could do more without invading his privacy.
She went back to sofa and picked up the remote to scroll Netflix and find a good, lighthearted Christmas movie to watch together. She would veto the hot chocolate. There was no way Brandon would keep it down. After a couple of minutes of feeling conflicted inside, she took snatched up her phone from the coffee table and typed out a quick message, hitting send before she could talk herself out of it.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Power of apology
Where: Autumn's Apartment, NYC
When: Couple of days after this
Paperwork and contracts seemed to be the theme of Autumn’s week. She was sitting cross-legged on her livingroom floor with piles of paperwork spread out around her. Mark had given her permission to get copies of the paperwork for the various projects Justin was either already involved in or in consideration of. He wanted her to get her head around some of that before she met with them to negotiate her potential new job as Justin’s Assistant Manager. She was busy with her highlighter pen and making notes in the columns. Seriously, she was impressed with this kid before but even more so now she could see in black and white all he did and everything else he was contemplating as an option. She even had access to some of Sasha’s info, the things he had agreed to coming into a relationship with Justin. Mark left no i’s undotted and no t’s uncrossed.
She was in an old well-loved pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. Her minuscule - yet cute - studio apartment was proving to have a silver lining… it was so small that the open fire she scored heated up the small space like a boss. It was toasty and cosy. She was really beginning to like living here but in the city she knew she belonged.
On and off, she had been texting with Justin, though she suspecting the long gaps between his responses meant he was getting his love-making on with his cutie. Who could blame them? In this weather, if Autumn was lucky enough to still have a lover, she would be doing the same thing. Keeping busy meant the loneliness stayed away. It just happened that she was loving this work and she was pretty sure that if she agreed to join Justin’s team, she would learn so much, on top of being proud to represent one of her most favourite humans who was brimming with talent in a business she loved. She had ordered pizza, so when her buzzer sounded, she turned the sound down on her TV a little and got up to get the door.
It wasn’t pizza.
It was the world famous TV star she had been trying to wrangle a few minutes sober with until she turfed the proposed contract in the trash and gave up. Brandon wasn’t pizza, but he was one tall drink of water with dark intense guys that were nailing her. The height difference felt almost dizzying. She looked up at him with a blink of surprise. “Wow. Pizza delivery guys are getting hot these days.”
Brandon straightened up from where he had his hand resting on her door jamb waiting for her to answer. “No pizza. Sorry.” He bit the corner of his lip and cleared his throat. “Can I come in? I owe you an apology. Actually, I’m pretty sure I owe you more than one.”
A little frown of suspicion furrowed between Autumn’s brows and she crossed her arms. “How did you know where I lived?”
“Well, you mentioned Justin Campbell was like a brother to you so I figured I could get my people to contact his people. His people spoke to him and he supplied the address,” Brandon confessed with a little laugh. ‘Sheepish’ didn’t even begin to cut how he was feeling but whatever it was, guilt was definitely intermixed with it.
“That little shit!” Autumn looked over her shoulder at her phone lying on her rug in front of the TV. She had just be texting with him and he hadn’t said a word, and he had been asking about Brandon too. She turned back to Brandon, not sure if it was a good idea to invite him in. She didn’t know how to feel about it but she gave him kudos for making the effort to offer an apology. “If you’re drunk or stoned, I’m going to have to politely decline.”
Brandon shook his head and held up his hands. “No, I’m not. I’m sober, I swear. You just, um…” He paused and scratched the back of his neck. “Is it okay if I come in? I’d rather not do this out in the hall of an apartment building. I’ve learned the hard way how thin walls can be.”
Autumn heaved a reluctant sigh and stepped aside, waving him in. It was cold out anyway and how wrecked he had been over the previous couple of days she saw him, it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to be out in it. “Ah, sorry about the shoebox.” She went in and started raking up all the pages strewn everywhere. The place looked like a bomb hit it but all that stuff was highly confidential, so she stuffed it back into the plastic box she was storing it in and pushed it away from the sofa. “Take a seat. Can I get you drink? I don’t have booze. Soda. Juice. Water. Seltzer. Kombucha. You don’t look like the kombucha type.”
“Seltzer would be great if it’s not raspberry. I’m allergic. Thanks.” Brandon headed into the apartment and had a look around with a small smile, hesitantly sitting on the end of the sofa. “It’s nice. I like it. Cool fire. You can roast marshmallows and all.”
“Oh, please. It’s a matchbox compared to your mansion. You don’t have to be polite. It’s small but it’s home. About all a washed up actress who dwindled her little fortune on shit,” Autumn snorted, digging around in the drawers of her fridge to find the seltzer. She checked to make sure it wasn’t raspberry and grabbed herself a bottle of orange juice. Two glasses were collected from her cupboard and she brought them over to sit beside him. He wasn’t drunk. She could tell already. It was like a different person. He was softly spoken and polite, but seemed almost nervy and even a bit awkward. She put the drinks down and poured them, looking at him analytically. “Good to see you upright. You didn’t have to come. You don’t owe me anything.” He gave him the glass of seltzer.
Brandon accepted the glass and held it up to her in thanks before taking a sip. His tongue swept over his lips, catching the remnant drops. “I do. I owe you an apology. And an explanation, I get that. But you have to understand my need for privacy and confidentiality.”
Autumn took note of him up close in a better light than his apartment had afforded when she had been there. She had watched his show for years but he spent a lot of time in glam/goth make-up in character. It was why they had been trying to book Justin for a guest appearance, he had come to own the resurgence of 80s glam and it was making a comeback because of him, especially with LGBT+ people wanting to express themselves with their chosen gender identities and blur the lines. Here, Brandon wasn’t wearing any makeup and not being drunk, he had a kind face, albeit looking tired and perhaps jaded. “I threw the contract out. Sorry. It’s none of my business anyway.”
“I thought that might’ve been a possibility, so I brought another copy.” Brandon pulled the thick document from where he had rolled it up and squashed it into the inner pocket of his leather jacket. “I really do want to give you an explanation for what a dick I was. Not that I want to make excuses. I don’t. The truth is, I haven’t had the best year so I’m kind of glad it’s nearly over. But I really can’t talk about any of it until you sign a nondisclosure agreement. Even if you don’t want a bar of the rest of it. I know it’s a lot to ask.”
Autumn looked at the document in his hands, a bright pink Post-It sticking out the side. She had just been looking at some NDAs amongst Justin’s papers. Just about everyone around him had signed them, even his family. Sasha had signed one before he even met Justin. “And if I don’t?”
“I’ll understand and respect that. You don’t know me. I’m a complete fucking stranger to you. It’s just complicated.” Brandon set the contract down on her glass coffee table and took another mouthful of his drink. He had feeling this was going to be a short visit. He didn’t want to make anything awkward when she declined. “I am really sorry for being rude, keeping you waiting, dicking you around, nearly vomiting on you. Twice. You didn’t deserve any of that.”
“Did you know I was coming for that meeting?” Autumn asked him again now he was sober, picking the contract up to set in her lap.
Brandon met her gaze and then lowered his eyes, shaking his head. “No. I knew they were, uh… beard shopping? Sorry, that sounds terrible. This is all new to me, I have no idea how to put respectfully. On the face of it, it probably looks like I’ve done it all before, but I haven’t. I was pushing back and they didn’t like it. They just arranged it without me.”
Autumn tilted her head at what he just said. “You mean, other public girlfriend’s you’ve had were legit?” He had barely said anything and she could hear how clearly messy his situation was.
“I don’t know if legit’s the right word. Denial is probably more accurate,” Brandon admitted, feeling uncomfortable. “Regardless, having a relationship in the spotlight is difficult as hell, even without my extraneous issues. I guess that’s something you understand on some level. I can count on one hand the people who know about my sexuality, beyond staff, that is. That’s why I need the NDA signed.”
Autumn nodded and gave an understanding sigh. She flipped the contract open to the page marked with the Post-It. It took her a few minutes to read it all, including the fine print. Soon, she grabbed her pen and signed it, handing it back to him. “Some people I love very much have experienced similar pain in their coming out. My word may not have any weight but you can trust me. I would rather take my own life than contribute to creating someone trauma for something they neither choose nor can help. My relationship wasn’t as in the spotlight as I’m sure yours were. Kyan valued privacy. He’s actually extremely shy and introverted in real life. I know actors aren’t really the characters they play.”
Brandon gave her a grateful smile when she signed. “Thank you. It means a lot that you’re doing this for me after I was a jerk to you. Do you mind if I take a snap and email it to my attorney? He works for Justin’s dad, actually. He’s one of the good guys. On my side.”
Autumn wave her hand, indicating she didn’t mind. That comment piqued her interest, though. “Mark Campbell? Is that how my name ended up on beard ballot paper? I only ask because my ex, Kyan, his twin brother works for Mark. I’m going to put the kettle on. I think tea is needed for this conversation.” She got up and went over to the kitchen, leaving him to send off the photo of the signed NDA. “How long have you known you were gay?”
“Not really. It might have been how they came up with options. I put my foot down on that. I didn’t want any woman massively in the spotlight. I don’t want to create a bigger circus than this already is. It’s already bad enough with people thinking I’m secretly married to my co-star.” Brandon took a photo of the page with Autumn’s signature and emailed it to his principal attorney. He had three who worked for him. “I’ve known for a few years, I guess. It’s only been around a year I’ve actually accepted it and not tried to push it away.”
Being a studio apartment, Autumn could still sort the tea in the kitchen and continue the conversation with Brandon. “So, why only now with the beard recruitment? That’s why you showed up drunk. It’s not what you really want.”
Brandon chewed his inner lip and a frown passed over his face. Nothing about this was easy or comfortable to talk about. He was covered by an NDA now but that was just legal bullshit. The reality of his life was much more complex. “Because I wanted to come out. And I didn’t show up drunk. Just for the record.”
“Stoned, then,” Autumn corrected with a roll of her eyes. The kettle boiled and she poured the water over the tea leaves in her teapot. “The powers that be didn’t want you out? That sucks. I’m sorry. We were spoiled with Caden. Besides the fact he’s gay himself, he always champions equality. They want the fans to still believe the rumours about you and the co-star, then? Or they just worry you’ll get gay cooties all over their precious show?”
“Wasn’t stoned either.” Brandon left out the fact he had been under the influence of prescription medication he shouldn’t have mixed with alcohol or marijuana… for now. “All of the above, really. I threatened to walk from the show if they didn’t let me come out. They were swift to remind me I couldn’t. I’m contractually obligated to them for seven seasons with option to renew. To soften the blow, they put the beard option on the table. And while I really wanted to tell them to stick it, it wouldn’t have made any difference. So, I requested some provisions. One being that I didn’t want anyone as high profile as I am. In the long run, it’s actually all in my favour because it will put reasonable doubt on those rumours, which will make it really difficult for me to date, even in secret. No one will believe I’m into guys so I’d be check-mated from all angles. That’s pretty much the extent of it.”
Autumn brought the tea over on a tray with mugs, cream and sugar and put it on the coffee table to wait for it to brew. “They’d be okay for you to date guys in secret? Is that what you’re saying? Look, dude, don’t BS me about being intoxicated. I was the one you nearly vomited on, remember. You’re going to blame that on food poisoning or something?” She dropped back onto the sofa and put her feet up on the ottoman.
“I have cancer!” Brandon blurted out. He immediately regretted it as soon as the words were out but her persistence over being intoxicated was rubbing him the wrong way. He looked away, letting out a sharp breath, and closed his eyes. He was in it now. No taking it back. “I know the rumours about me. I can’t even deny a lot of them, especially this past month. Accepting I was gay in a world no one wants me to be was hard and I didn’t deal with any of it well. I thought I could just stop feeling so suffocated if I could come out. When I got the news about my health, I just didn’t want to hide it anymore. I didn’t want to die alone, in the closet, with no one.”
“You’re dying?” Autumn gasped, sitting forward. She nearly took his hand, until she remembered she was a stranger to him.
Brandon shrugged. “Maybe. It’s too soon to tell. If I don’t find a bone marrow match, then maybe. The studio, the network execs, the producers… they don’t know. The only ones who do are my manager and my attorneys. I wasn’t drunk or stoned when I got back and found you in my apartment. I wasn’t even hungover the next morning. When I got home, it was after my first dose of chemo. At a secret clinic out of the city. I wanted to be drunk or stoned. That’s how I’ve been dealing since I got the diagnosis a month ago. Shit, did it hit me hard.”
Autumn was speechless. If it felt this awful for her to hear this, she could only imagine how it was for him to go through. She wouldn’t wish this on an enemy. “But… what about your family? Why haven’t you told them?” She put her hand to her mouth when the penny dropped that he must have been vomiting because of the chemo. It was probably making him feel unsteady or any other number of things. She felt terrible for all her assumptions now.
Brandon shook his head and stood up. “I should go. I’ve taken up enough of your time. Thanks for understanding about the whole being a dick thing. I’m pretty wiped out, so I think it’s just best I go. I just need to sleep some of it off.”
“No, don’t go.” Why did Autumn suspect he didn’t have anyone close to be with him through this? She didn’t want to presume anything, though. Not now she was realising how wrong she had been. “I know this place is pretty poxy compared to your’s and just about everything’s in one room save for the bathroom which has really thin walls, but stay for awhile. There’s the fire and tea. I promise I won’t make you talk about any of this anymore. Just kick back and rest. Watch a movie, nap, whatever you need. I don’t mind. I can even make you some soup if you want it. I bought all the stuff at the grocery store yesterday to cook up a batch anyway. How are you feeling? Fuck, I should’ve asked that sooner.”
Brandon looked around uncertainly. “That’s really sweet of you but I wouldn’t want to impose. To be honest, I’m okay. Better than I was. A little like I’ve got the flu, which is how I’ve been feeling for months anyway. I didn’t mean to dump this on you.”
Autumn took his arm and coaxed him to sit again. “There’s nothing to impose upon. It’ll be company for both of us. Kick your shoes off, I’ll get you a blanket. Seriously. It’s the least I can do and Netflix has some great Christmas offerings right now. You got any favourites?” She paused for a moment, wondering if she should continue on the train of thought in her mind. “I’m not going to pretend to be any sort of expert because I’m far from it. And I know all cancer is different. I’m not sure if you know much about our production but Billy Willis, who plays Willard, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer not long after we started out. He had surgery and went through all the chemo. It was a rough ride for. Especially considering his husband had struggles with mental and physical illness. But it hit us all hard when B was sick.”
She felt useless and utterly helpless. There wasn’t anything she could do to ease his pain but if there was anything she learned from having Justin in her life, losing her dad, screwing her life up with bad mistakes, it was that you had to cherish the people who cared and help them when they were down. “I can’t imagine what you’re facing but I’m not completely ignorant to it. I can’t even profess that whatever I’m offering here would help but I can offer friendship and company. I don’t know anything about you beyond what’s public domain. I know nothing about your private life beyond the little surrounding this contract. I know how important friendship is when you’re sick. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way. I’m not doing this out of pity or charity. I’d really like to help. You’ve had a crap few days, in the wake of a crap year and month. Let me just help you out a little. No questions asked, no ulterior motives. So, soup, a blanket and Christmas movies? Have you eaten anything at all? Billy couldn’t keep anything down when he started out with chemo.”
“Billy, he’s the tall guy with really friendly eyes? I’ve seen Footloose a few times. I was a VIP at the opening night. One of the times, it was when Phoenix Wallace was guest-starring in that role. I didn’t realise it was because of cancer.” Brandon wet his lips and even if there was some hesitation and reluctance, he sat down again. He was lost in thought for a bit, conflicted about what he should do. He felt conflicted in everything these days so it wasn’t Autumn causing it. Far from it. Soon, he nodded and offered a small smile. “Okay. Soup sounds great but only if you let me help with something. Bearing in mind I haven’t cooked myself a meal beyond grilled cheese in years. And I honestly can’t remember the last time I watched a Christmas movie. It had to have been something like Home Alone before I got this job.”
Autumn rose, shaking her head. “You can help by staying still, taking your boots off and putting your feet up. If you overdo anything on chemo, you’ll pay for it. How are you going to keep up a ruse if you’re not taking care of yourself when you need it the most? I’m lucky, I have a mom who taught me how to cook and apparently I’m not too bad. Justin can vouch for my soup. I used to ply him with it anytime he got a sniffle and he put himself into a voluntary vow of silence.” She went over to her closet and pulled a thick knitted rug from the top, bringing it back. “That’s definitely our Billy. He’s a bag of fun and always full of laughs. The cancer really knocked the wind out of his sails but he beat it. Do you have close friends or family nearby to help out? I don’t mean anyone on a payroll.”
Brandon held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, I’ll do as I’m told. It’s not like I’m not an expert at that. At least I know you won’t threaten to sue me if I don’t comply.” He started to unbuckle his boots to take them off, even if he still felt like he was imposing and wasn’t quite sure how all this was supposed to play out. She did sign the NDA for him, so he knew that was something. His lips twitched in a smirk. “Russell’s kind of like family. At least, he rides me like a mom on her kid to do their homework. I don’t have any family and friends, well… either I have little time or it’s difficult to know what’s genuine or an attempt to use me. It’s been more of the latter than the former. My closest friends, all three of them, live on the west coast and even then, I don’t think it’s the same sort of deal you have with your close friends. Long story. Really long story…”
Once Brandon had his boots off, Autumn put them aside by the sofa so he didn’t trip on them if he needed to get up for the bathroom. “Feet up,” she coaxed and then tucked the blanket in around him once he found a spot he was comfortable. She was realising Brandon was probably just as much an onion as Justin. You managed to get one little layer pulled back and it revealed many more. His words were understandably guarded and selective. She wouldn’t have expected anything else, all things considered. “Don’t hang your wet towels up in the bathroom or make your bed, huh? Talk about Butler McSlavedriver. No family at all? So, Christmas…?”
Brandom shrugged, indifferent to the holidays. Or maybe you just stopped caring when you didn’t have anyone to share it with. “I’ve got chemo right up to the day before Christmas Eve. Pretty sure I’m not going to want to do anything but sleep and stick close to the bathroom. Christmas hasn’t meant much more to than charity obligations and catching up on sleep for awhile now. The charity stuff, it’s rewarding. It gives meaning but this year, I can’t. Risk of infection and all that. The shitty part about this crap is to pull of keeping it a secret, I have to imply I have some sort of addiction issues so if I’m out of action, they can blame it on being being in rehab or some shit. No family. I’m adopted. Or was adopted, to be more accurate. I don’t have anything to do with my adopted family. What about you? You mentioned brothers and your mom. Sounds like you have some great friends too.”
“Can I ask you something? We don’t have to go there if you don’t want to or you’re not up for it. That can be a blanket disclaimer, by the way. Anything a no-go zone, just say the word. The beard thing. The contract. If it’s something you really feel is about the lesser of two evils, would you need me to be all-in, no exceptions?” Autumn perched on the edge of her glass coffee table so she could see his face, hoping this might at least open the lines of communication for him to talk it out, make his own rules a little and not just fall into line because big wig powers that be had him by the short and curlies. “Don’t worry. I read the contract. About ten times. This stuff is going to be my bread and butter soon, so it was good experience. But… all that’s stripped of absolutely anything personal of you, yet, it’s your life in shackles. What I’m asking is, would you need me to go the whole way, act as if we’re 100% together. My family, friends, the whole thing, believing we’re a couple. Now, I might’ve fucked my career up but I’m a good actress, I can pull it off. Or can it just be a facade, which behind, you can meet my family and friends - as you, the real you - and the rest of the world believes the scam? You would have their confidence, I promise. You just don’t sound like you have anyone to just be there for you while you’re going through this sickness and treatment. And the cunts behind this contract don’t know you’re sick. Or we can just shelve this and not talk about it. You can put Home Alone on and I’ll make soup.”
Brandon was weary with talking about it but she was right. It was his life that was in shackles and had been since he was seventeen. The fact he was ill and going through treatment didn’t help. “Ah... I didn’t read the contract. All they care about is me not appearing queer. Their first choice was Ruby, my co-star. Already got the fanbase. The fans fucking love it. I… deal with her enough at work, I don’t want it filtering into my private life. This was the next deal on the table. I don’t get why you would want to bother putting up with this shit, especially if you’ve got brothers who are gay. In all honesty, I’m so fucking tired, I just don’t give a fuck. I wouldn’t care if everyone you ever met knew and one of them outed me spectacularly to TMZ. But then they’d sue you for breaching contract. So, you tell me. What do you think the answer is? Bearing in mind, I might be dead in six months.”
Autumn looked at him quietly and then softly patted his knee through the blanket. “I think you need to get some rest. You didn’t answer me about whether you’ve been eating, so I’m going to throw the soup together. Think about it, okay? When you’ve got the energy to process it all. Then when you’re feeling up to it, we can talk some more.” She handed him the remote control for Netflix, and then got up and moved to her kitchenette across the room. She got the soup pot out along with the bag of vegetables she got at the market the day before, stealing a few glances at Brandon. “Have you met someone that made you want to come out, or was the cancer diagnosis what triggered it? You haven’t mentioned any partner or potential partner.”
Brandon dropped the remote into his lap and pressed both hands to his face tiredly with a groan. “For someone who keeps fucking saying we don’t need to talk about shit, you slide right back into talk about more shit.” He wasn’t complaining. It was long-suffering more than anything else because he knew she was being kind and he was pretty sure no matter how much he tried to sabotage this beard bullshit, he would still have to do it and end up with some horrid bitch as punishment for not doing what he was told. Autumn didn’t have to do any of this, either. She hadn’t signed the contract. She signed the NDA because she respected the importance of them but the rest was still up in the air. “There’s not someone, per se. There was a maybe I could’ve found out if I’d been out thing. It was before I was diagnosed. I’d been ill but thought it was exhaustion, end of season shoots and all that.”
Autumn was smirking at his reaction to her prodding when she poured the chicken stock into the pot. “I’m a lot of things and a nosy, pain in the ass bitch is definitely one of them. Just ask my brothers. But here’s the thing. You have me under an NDA, so anything you tell me can’t go beyond this apartment. I’m sure Russell’s a fantastic listener, if his shoulder to cry on is as near as good as his butlering. Maybe you just need to get some of it off your chest. I’m not offering to be your resident Dr Phil. I don’t want you to spill your guts on your life story or anything like that. I get a feeling you’re an extremely private person and protective of your privacy. But do you talk to anyone about any of this? So… what was he like? Where did you meet him?”
Brandon snorted in amusement, massaging the bridge of his nose. “Russell’s not the second-coming of Geoffrey from Fresh Prince, you know. I’m not that much of a pretentious asshole. Okay, so maybe I can have my pretentious asshole moments but he only works for me for three or four evenings a week. He’s not my slave. I have a housekeeper and a gardener, both who only work set days and I pay them for it because I don’t have the time to do it myself. I respect and trust my staff, I don’t use them as my own personal confessional.” He didn’t really talk to anyone about his private life. He had some people he considered friends but that wasn’t what they did either. It was mostly shop talk. “He was a sweetheart. I met him in London. It was a BAFTA event. He knew who I was and said he was a fan but he didn’t get crazy up in my face about it. He was connected in the business somehow because everyone there was but we didn’t talk about that. It was one of those days I was over the whole bullshit and he kind of figured that bit out so he suggested we go get a coffee and we went for a walk along the Thames. It was nice. Most real conversation I had in a long time.”
“I’m pulling the piss, buddy. Have all the staff you need and Russell makes a mean coffee. Hell, I know I would if I made it big. Again. I should say again. I could’ve gone a really fucking long way if I stuck with Caden. You’re right on that front, this ‘biz’ fucks with your head. It’s easy to forget what reality is.” Autumn started to peel the carrots, keeping an eye on Brandon without really thinking about it. She was super conscious he had cancer (though he hadn’t said what kind but needing the bone marrow transplant made her think it was some type of leukemia, like Beau) and he had chemo in recent days. She couldn’t say he looked well but he was definitely tough. At the very least, a master of putting up a front. “It was a business event, so you couldn’t exactly just blurt out you were gay and ask him on a date. Fucking bullshit. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine having to live like that. Do they really think you being gay would fuck things up for the show? I guess considering your character is manwhore extraordinaire. I take it he was hot, then? Do I get details? NDA, remember.”
Brandon tilted his head, his turn to give her a penetrating gaze as he listened to her flippant remarks about her life. “So, why did you do it? Fuck it all up? I’m not going to profess I know anything about your situation but I know Caden and his productions are highly respected in the industry and he works to create the best of the best. Meaning, you would never have been there if he didn’t think you had what it took. I couldn’t do what you guys do. Was if because your relationship was on the rocks?” He shrugged, picking up the remote and toying with it, flipping it back and forth in his palms. “I don’t think they’d put it like that. They just don’t want to fuck with their largest fanbases that pull in the high ratings. Scandal sells, just so long as there aren’t two cocks involved. Oh, yeah. He was gorgeous. Short, gorgeous eyes, dimples that wouldn’t quit. We walked, we talked, we drank coffee. That’s the details.”
Autumn shook her head as she pottered around the kitchen, looking for items she needed to finish getting the soup on. “The two issues are separate, really. I fucked both up at the same time but they both didn’t fuck up for the same reason. Not really. It was a bit of Big Head Syndrome and Grass is Greener Syndrome. I let the fame and attention go to my head and started to believe I deserved better. I wanted… well, what you’ve got. Though, I realised the grass definitely wasn’t greener and no one was just going to hand me anything. The relationship died because I was treating him like shit. I basically turned into one of the worst bridezillas and if you knew Kyan, you would understand why that just disconnected him. I regret it all and now I’m doing my damnest to accept that he’s now married to my BFF, who I also lost being a cunt. Though, I think we’re on the road to recovery. They’re Yin and Yang perfect for each other.” She scraped some crushed garlic into the simmering soup. “So, does he have a name? Did you take a cheesy selfie? Was he gay? Is he an actor too?”
Brandon scrunched up his nose, shooting her a look. “Ouch. But, you know what, we learn from our mistakes, as cheesy and cliche as that sounds. Which means, life is pretty much one big set-up to keep fucking up. Just got to resign ourselves to that. All that shit didn’t work out for you, so what’s your plan now? Trust me, this life that you probably thought was awesome and riding high, all that bullshit… it’s just not what it seems. I wouldn’t be here in your apartment if it was. That’s black and white of it.” His brain was getting tired and it didn’t feel like it was working the best. He let out a heavy breath and scratched his forehead with his thumbnail. “No selfie, nothing like that. I just know he’s connected to the business. We didn’t really talk about ourselves, though he did say he was adopted. We had that in common. His name was unusual, like, Merlin or something. Maybe it was Harry. I just remember wizard because he said that. I don’t know, I had a bit to drink and in my own defence, I’d been sick for weeks so the alcohol really went to my head. I’d been living on tomato soup and crackers. Nothing else was staying down. So fucking awkward trying to film and rock up at meet and greets with the happy face plastered on. If I was a chick, the tabloids would be drenched with pregnancy rumours.”
Autumn knew Brandon was hitting the nail on the head here. There was no winding back the clock for a redo of everything she messed up. All she could do was start over and in a lot of ways that felt like exactly the thing she needed to do. “My dad died. He was as fit as any person could be. More than. And he just… keeled over with a heart attack at the wheel with my little brother in the car and died. I thought I dealt with that. I took the big sister route, made sure my brothers were okay and Mom was holding up. I think I just suppressed it the grief and dealing with it. None of it is an excuse but work and my wedding were all convenient things to bury myself into and I took it as far as it could go. Even then, after all that, he was still dead.” She was getting teary and couldn’t even blame the onions. She reached to grab some paper towel to wipe her eyes and then he said that name. She dropped the roll and it went tumbling over the counter and unravelled right up to Brandon’s feet. “W-What did you say his name was?”
Brandon’s brow furrowed when she started talking about her dad. He grabbed the roll of paper towel and got up to roll it back up and give it back to her. “Thank you for confiding in me with that. You didn’t have to and I know that must’ve been hard for you to even bring up. And you know, it kind of sounds like maybe he was watching over you after you started to fuck your life up and got you back on track. He was obviously on your mind when you made the choice to come back and put things right. There’s a lot of shit in this world we can’t explain.” He put the roll onto the counter for her with a little laugh. “I know, right? Cute name, it suited him. I just wish I had better recollection of it. What? You don’t know who he is, do you?”
“I didn’t think about it like that but… that’s really nice. I think I needed to hear that. Damn, all why are all the good ones gay?” Autumn murmured with a laugh, managing to regain her composure. She tossed the remainder of the vegetables into the soup and put the lid on the pot. She took the dishes to the sink, dumping them in there. She could take care of clean-up later. “Um… I may know… of him. Possibly. I don’t want to get your hopes up or anything. Just say I knew someone who knew him and I could maybe makes some enquiries about whether he remembers you, would you want that? Like, you have a seriously complicated everything going on right now. I wouldn’t want to contribute to that when I’m here to try to mitigate it all. And, with all due respect, I think you’d have to consider the impact of all that on someone you’d want to date. I realise as that’s coming out of my mouth that you’ve probably thought about that a billion times over. What you’d have to ask of them to fit your… circumstances.” Like, being a total secret, including hiding the relationship away to not expose the fact Brandon was gay and always risking the chance of being discovered and exposed. If the Merlin he was talking about was the Merlin, he had been through so much in his own life recently, it might not be something he was interested in.
Brandon closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, swallowing heavily. It was all just a bit too much. It was never easy to be confronted by this sort of stuff. “I, um… do you mind if I use your bathroom?” he asked in a rush, pushing away from the kitchen counter.
Autumn quickly pointed to the door to the bathroom just beside the front door of her apartment. She watched him hurry in and close the door so quickly, it slammed. She knew what was coming but she still winced in sympathy when she heard him being sick behind the door. He had done well to hold up this long when he looked like he just needed to crawl under a blanket and sleep some of this pain off. She went up to the bathroom door. “If you need any help, honey, just give me a shout.” She was met with more retching and wished she could do more without invading his privacy.
She went back to sofa and picked up the remote to scroll Netflix and find a good, lighthearted Christmas movie to watch together. She would veto the hot chocolate. There was no way Brandon would keep it down. After a couple of minutes of feeling conflicted inside, she took snatched up her phone from the coffee table and typed out a quick message, hitting send before she could talk herself out of it.
LOG, COMPLETE