Justin Mark Campbell (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likefatherlikeson) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-12-14 03:20 am
likefatherlikeson) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-12-14 03:20 am
"Friends are too much like family."
Who: Justin Campbell, Sasha Stanford, Autumn MacDonald and Arian Alcott
What: Regouping
Where: Manhattan, NYC
When: After this
As soon as Justin signed on the dotted line to agree to a solo tour which was likely going to coincide with taking Footloose on the road, his management book him into a rehearsal space because he wanted to start strength and conditioning training after his latest hitch in the road. He was over the surgery and physically well again, and he would only get even better mentally once he could work again. It was the weekend, so a good chance to get some of the squad together to hang out for a bit and kill two birds with one stone. Justin needed to start conditioning again and the band were keen to jump on board with at least considering the option they might join him on tour. It would be an excellent opportunity for Violet Rainbows and they could do a lot for charity too.
Of course, it was all still in the very early days. A lot needed to be sorted and assessed and organised, most importantly getting Justin to a fitness level where his doctors and therapists would sign off on his return to work first and the tour down the track. In the meantime, they could have some fun chilling out with music.
Violet Rainbows, the band made up of Justin’s friends who played gig at events for the two charity sister organisations Justin and Sasha were ambassadors for, Shades of Violet and Shades of Rainbow, for young people with mental health and LGBT+ youth facing challenges, respectively. Justin sang with them when he was booked for events, otherwise they shared vocals. Whenever Justin performed, Maryanne and Sash backed him. It was an arrangement they all loved and worked well, especially how close they were as friends. The band consisted of Maryanne on vocals, Shannon on keyboard/piano, Fin on drums, Noah on guitar, and a girl on bass and a guy who played sax and violin, both beneficiaries of the charities and struck up a rapport with Justin on a few occasions (he tended to connect with many beneficiaries who had an interest in pursuing music or acting).
The new kids weren’t there. He didn’t know them well enough yet to bring them into the fold of the squad and this was all unofficial anyway. They were mostly just messing around in between the song list Justin’s vocal coach wanted him to work through. Sasha was at his mom and dad’s for the morning because some distant great aunt was visiting for morning tea to deliver Christmas gifts. He was adamant he didn’t want Justin there and it only came to light that she apparently wasn’t really modern in thinking and could be vocal about gay people. Sasha only saw her every couple of years and he didn’t feel he should have to justify his sexuality to anyone.
He had been close to his great uncle, who had worked with his grandfather and dad on the racing scene but he passed away following a stroke. The only reason he and his wife never got a divorce was because that, like gay people, was frowned upon in her world too. All in all, Sasha was right when he said it would be too exhausting for Justin to have to deal with. She wasn’t a family member who would ever be significant.
Justin was just finishing up singing Zombie by The Cranberries and Legendary by Welshly Arms when Sasha arrived at the rehearsal hall, way, way early than anticipated. The others were cheering when they finished the latest song, which they decided should be the squad’s theme song, when Sasha joined them on the stage and pulled Justin in for a hug and eager kiss. “Hey, sexy. You’re way early back. Everything okay?” Justin asked, letting his hand sweep down Sasha’s back so he could give his arse a quick squeeze.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaand that’s our cue to leave,” Maryanne, a tried and true lesbian, joked, snickering at them. “We’re all going to get burgers. You guys wanna come? To get burgers. Don’t answer that generically. What I meant to say was do you wanna come with us or do you have to keep going, JC?”
“Actually, do you guys mind if we take a raincheck? We haven’t had much time to grab alone together with hospital and Sash’s migraines and a pile of shit going on.” Justin rubbed Sasha’s back, giving him a smile with led to them sharing another kiss.
Sasha nodded and gave then gang a wave. “Yeah, you guys have fun. Jus has a meeting a bit later anyway so I’m going to stick around for that. I’ll catch you at school.” He waited until they were all gone and rehearsal hall quietened down a little. “So… I maybe told my decrepit great aunt to go fuck herself just a little bit,” he admitted sheepishly once they were alone. Or mostly alone. He knew some of Justin’s staff would be around somewhere but he was used to that dating someone in the biz.
“What? Seriously?” Justin laughed, trying to snuggle Sasha closer now they had a little alone time. He had been realising a lot lately that for the simple fact of what he did for a living and a dream, and how sick he was frequently, a lot of his life was filled with many different people which mean so was Sasha’s. They needed these snatches of time alone together, to stay connected, even if they just cuddled in bed for awhile or watched a movie or sat outside watching the clouds while Justin smoked his medicinal marijuana which he needed as part of his current ongoing treatment regime. “What happened? You’re okay, right? Before I laugh too much, I want to make sure nothing awful happened.”
“Oh yeah, I’m fine.” Sasha was laughing too, heading over grab the remote for the sound system to put his phone in the dock, flicking on one of their playlists. They had a whole pile of joint playlists but there really wasn’t a lot of music they didn’t like as a couple. Justin wasn’t much of a fan of rap or heavy metal beyond a few select songs and Sasha hated country. “She was refusing to acknowledge I’m in a relationship with a guy and kept changing the subject anytime something near it came up, which was anytime she was asking me questions about my life. Then the only time she couldn’t dodge it, she basically implied that she thought young people these days were too weak with them all professing to have mental illnesses left and right. Long story short, I won’t ever be seeing her again. My dad told her to go fuck herself first, telling her she was insulting you and me with her attitude. My Great Uncle would’ve been so fucking ashamed of her.”
Justin rolled his eyes and snorted. “Professing to have it. What a bitch. But on the upside, I get longer with my favourite person in the whole world.” He pulled Sasha close again, smiling as his eyes swept over Sasha’s face. It was a slower song that started so he began to dance with him, forgetting about the rest of the world for a little while. “Is it bad I’m slightly turned on at the thought of you telling your prejudiced great aunt to fuck off?”
“Well, I’d have to say that balances us out because I’m slightly turned on at the thought of getting to watch you own a stage again. Actually, scratch that. I’m a lot turned on by it.” Sasha grinned and bumped their noses together, a precursor to a deep kiss.
It didn’t take much for the kiss to turn more passionate and hungry. Their intimate lovemaking had taken a backburner in recent months. They caught a few moments here and there, but with the mess going on in Justin’s head, his sex drive had bombed with the rest of him. It hadn’t taken long for them to realise that Sash’s sexual desire mirrored Justin’s. It seemed that being grey-ace, Sasha was never really just randomly horny. It only happened when Justin was up for it, but when he was, they had incredible sexual chemistry. Then just as Justin began to recover and he was getting turned on more and more, Sasha was hit was one of those Satan migraines that took him down hard. He was much better now, of course, or he would be still bedridden. There was some residual head pain and weakness down his right side which felt a little like jelly-legs, but he was leaps and bounds better than he had been the week before and was absolutely horny seeing Justin resume his natural position at a microphone looking like the superstar that he was.
When the next song started playing over the sound system, Justin pulled back from the kiss with a grin and started to serenade Sasha and dance with him to Can't Take My Eyes Off You. It was one of many songs he knew by heart. Sure, he had a damaged mind on many levels but he was also gifted with the ability to memories songs - lyrics, melodies, chords, notes, the works - and could perform at the drop of a hat. Having as fucked up a life as he had in the short years he had existed, he had to have something special to help him keep surviving. The lyrics to this song were a perfect homage to how he felt about Sasha and had since very soon after they met.
Autumn had arrived at the venue Aiden had given her the address to when Justin was about halfway through singing Zombie. Making amends with him had been much easier than she had anticipated but he had been honest with her that he was still in recovery and a lot was going on in his life right now… including the fact Sasha had been floored by a really bad migraine that frankly sounded terrifying to experience. He had been clear with her that if there was even an iota of a possibility she might join his team, the clincher would be that Sasha liked her and got along with her. He said he would get in touch some way when a more convenient opportunity for her to meet Sasha cropped up. Aiden shot her a text saying Justin would be training most of the day at this venue if she wanted to drop by in the afternoon. Of course she was going to go.
She got the chance to see a little of Justin’s friends in action. Some of his friends had a band and they were training with him. At least until Sasha arrived and they made excuses to leave them to it. Autumn had read the amazing the spread in FABULOUS about Justin and his friends being a group of young people identifying on a range of places on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. His sister, Amarlie, whom Autumn hadn’t met yet had designed and created all the outfits they wore in the photoshoot, each a shout-out to their sexualities or gender identities. It was a mindfuck for Autumn to discover Justin had another sister, apparently Gen’s daughter but whatever that situation was. Amarlie not only identified as ‘probably bi but still questioning’, designed all the outfits in the colours of each respective Pride flag they were photographed with. Autumn found the article when she was Googling Justin one time and thought the pictures of him and Sasha were adorable. One thing she discovered was Justin had never tried to hide his relationship with Sasha, he was just very vague in the public details he shared, clearly wanting it kept private. In that article, Sasha actually came-out as being on the asexual spectrum - demisexual or grey-asexual - as well as being gay. It was that magazine spread Autumn realised just how much Justin’s squad had expanded while she was away. There were at least half of them now she didn’t know but damn, were they a gorgeous looking group of kids and Amarlie was an amazing designer. Not surprising considering she had Gen and Paris Hart’s blood in her veins.
Autumn was going to catch Justin’s attention after he finished his songs, sounding as incredible as he always had. It didn’t sound to her like he was unconditioned at all. But before she had the chance, Sasha arrived and they were caught up in each other’s presences straight away. She didn’t want to interrupt their moment. They were adorable together and she could see Justin’s happiness oozing out of him. They were smitten with each other and she nearly teared up when Justin was serenading him with one of the classic romance songs to ever exist.
When it ended, they shared another few smooches before Justin grabbed his water bottle for a drink. She cleared her throat when she approached the stage. “Hey, boys. Sorry to interrupt, but Aiden said i could drop by this afternoon to catch. Sounding amazing, Smooshie.” She smiled, noticing how beautiful Sasha was the closer she got. Of course Justin was head-over for him. He was tall, beautiful, blonde curly hair, sweet smile and intense green eyes. Or possibly light hazel. She knew eye colour could differ in stage spotlights. He seemed so very unassuming for being a fiance to a high profile celebrity, but Justin would unlikely have it any other way. He didn’t buy into the showbiz bullshit, he paid a team to do that on hei behalf so he could still hold the status but didn’t need the mental capacity to cope with all the catches and traps it had. Sasha was watching Autumn as she approached. He wasn’t really eyeing her, he just obviously had no idea who she was, which is why she was here.
Justin had been doing a lot of thinking about Autumn’s return and whether it was a viable option that she joined his team as Assistant Manager. Basically, it would mean she managed his personal affairs and worked closely with Ari, who took care of his medical needs when it came to his work. Ari would assess each booking and event, making sure he was psychologically supported so he could keep doing what he did. What that meant was Autumn would need to gel with both Sasha and Ari, so she needed to at least meet them first before any decisions were made. “Aut, this is Sasha, my fiance. Sash, this is Autumn, my other honorary big sister. Who fucked up a bit along the way, but who hasn’t, right?”
Sasha stepped forward and held his hand out to Autumn, smiling. “Hey. It’s nice to meet you. Um, I actually already sort of have a little connection to you. Your mom teaches music in a Boston high school, right? That was my old school. Andi and I took her class. She was Andi’s favourite teacher. When I came down with her and her family to see Footloose the first time shortly after it opened, Andi told me you were Mrs Mac’s daughter. Sorry, Jus doesn’t know that part. I had a migraine and haven’t been able to stop being sick long enough since he saw you to tell him.”
“What?! Seriously?” Justin said, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. There was also the fact it was probably assumed Justin would be pissed at Autumn for how she ditched Footloose and ran away to LA to try to pursue a screen career which totally tanked. Sasha would have no reason to just put a fact like that out there if Justin felt he had severed tie with her. But he hadn’t really felt any of that. At the time she left, he had a lot going on in his life. She turned into someone he didn’t really like but rather than there being any sort of confrontation, he just pulled back and didn’t take it to heart. He didn’t have a lot of concerns about a new person taking the lead female role, considering the awful ordeal he went with in the past of being sexually harassed by a guy who turned out to be a rapist. It turned out for the best, though, when Cassidy revealed she had a deep interest in dance and the only reason she gave it up was because she was bullied by the dance troupe at her old school for being trans. With a lot of hard work, she scored the role of Ariel and Justin knew he and Cas had great stage chemistry. She was no getting a lot of recognition and support for being a trans lead on Broadway. He was so proud of her. “That’s pretty epic.”
Autumn laughed as she shook Sasha’s hand. “Wow. I had no idea. Mom never mentioned that little fact. I don’t doubt that she remembers you. She has this awesome talent of remembering all her students. I wonder if she knows Andi passed away. Sorry. Jus told me all about her and that she was how you guys met. I don’t mean to crash your little special moment you guys were having here. If there’s a better time to catch up, I don’t mind leaving you to it.”
“She probably does know. I think the school had a pretty cool memorial for her after she died. I’d left by then, though. I, um…” Sasha paused, wondering how much he should reveal considering Autumn’s mom still worked at the school. He hadn’t told anyone back in Boston why he left school and transferred to the one in New York with Justin’s friends (now his friends too). A lot was to do with the fact his parents decided to move to New York but a big deciding factor in that was Sasha’s severe anxiety came back at the thought of having to return to the school in the wake of Andi’s death. It was hard to talk about but he thought, all things considered and the chance Autumn may join Justin’s team, it was okay to fill her in a little on this side of things. “I was bullied at that school. For having a disabled dad, for people thinking I was just friends with Andi because she was dying, for not falling into line with the whole peer pressure bullshit about sex and dating, being called a prude and frigid. Whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. But I never pointed fingers at anyone there. I just left. I didn’t want to have to explain myself to anyone. Your mom was the best teacher, though. She always told me I could sing professionally if I ever got the confidence.”
Justin wrapped his arms around Sasha’s waist, cuddling him and softly kissing his cheek as he revealed this stuff to Autumn. He knew how hard it was for him. Sasha always preferred to be an ostrich about the tough things in his life. He coped better not having to talk about things. He wasn’t in denial, it was just the easier route for him with his anxiety. “Maybe we can all have lunch with your mom sometime, Aut? She sounds like an super cool teacher. It’s okay to catch up now, though. Ari’ll be here soon. He brings my meds. Let’s go chill, I need a break.” He headed over to one of the cushy sofas lining the wall of the venue. It was a great place to start his training and rehearsing for the tour. It was early days but he was back in his element. He and Sasha sat close together and he gave his fiance a smile. “You okay, baby?”
Sasha nodded and returned the smile, leaning close to share a kiss with Justin. “I’m good. You? Not too tired or worn out? I know you push yourself too quickly sometimes.” He rubbed Justin’s thigh, a subconscious gesture of care and support. He worried, he couldn’t help it. After everything Justin had been through recently, he was nervous he would take on too much too quickly. “You should eat something, beautiful. Here…” He got up again and went to grab his messenger bag, pulling out a BLT wrap and a bottle of apple juice he picked up for Justin at a cafe on his way back from his parents’ place in New Rochelle.
Autumn saw here what everyone had told her - Justin and Sasha were beautiful together and even in this short space of time, she could see why Sash was Justin’s soul mate. And all this was what she failed in with Kyan and why he was now married to someone else. They were attentive to each other and clearly cared deeply for each other. She was smiling, especially when Sasha produced the snack for Justin, making sure he was eating while he worked. “Jus, push himself too quickly? Never!” she joked, reaching over to ruffle Justin’s hair, just like old times. Back in their Footloose days, she and Reecy would always be playing around with him, teasing him. But he always gave as good as he got, pranking them or farting on them, just like a tried and true little brother.
Justin laughed and nudged her hand away. “Shut up, I do not,” he laughed with a snort, stripping the paper away from the wrap. He wasn’t really hungry but he knew from medical advice he had to eat. It might take some time for his normal appetite to come back. Mostly, he was still on a light diet. He hoped that changed for Christmas because his family always put on a huge spread for the holidays and Thanksgiving was kind of washed over this year with so much going on. “I’m being careful. Promise. I totally do not want to end up back in hospital. I’m so over being poked and prodded. Day admissions for my infusions is the limit, thanks very much.” He took a bit of the wrap and offered it to Sasha.
Sasha scrunched his nose up and shook his head at the offer. His own appetite hadn’t come back after the monster migraine. “I have absolutely no bloody appetite. It’s even more whacked after my homophobic great aunt kept trying to guilt me into eating her fruit cake.” It was one food he absolutely despised and the mere smell had him gagging and dry-retching. Even thinking about it nose, he had to swallow back the disgust thinking about the smell.
“Oh god, I remember that Christmas party benefit I took you to not long after we met. They put a Christmas pudding thing with custard in front of you for dessert and you had to leave the table to throw up. You just told me you had to take a phone call but you were green and nearly heaving,” Justin laughed. Their early days were so hesitant with each other and he was aware Sasha didn’t want to offend him or put him out in any way. He thought the idea that a dessert at a charity benefit making him hurl would upset Justin. “Our pre-dating days. Good times.”
Autumn laughed at Justin’s teasing. Poor Sasha was turning an interesting shade of red but he was laughing too. “So, do I get to hear more tales of how you two met? You must have made quite the impact to breakdown Smooshie’s iron-clad emotional walls, Sash. Well done. What about your first kiss? Who made the first move? Come on, boys, give me some deets!” She patted both their knees, basking in the warmth of their chemistry. She could see even in this short time how happy Sasha made Justin.
Very little about their relationship was made public. She had examined some of the press releases Justin’s team had put out, researching how they went about Justin’s transition into a new relationship or dealing with his engagement. He hadn’t publicly confirmed he and Sasha were engaged but he also hadn’t denied it and wore his engagement ring everywhere. It triggered much speculation amongst his fanbase. Some of it was noxious and toxic but all fanbases had miserable corners like that. Justin’s management never gave them the time of day. His PR team had confirmed his relationship with Sasha quite soon after it started and they did an exclusive interview together in FABULOUS. From then on, Sasha was Justin’s Plus One for any event he attended. He had also been invited to become an Ambassador of Shades of Violet/Rainbow with Justin.
PR also skirted Justin’s health issues. They never denied when he was ill, they always confirmed when he was hospitalised, but never offered specifics beyond his mental illness had taken a bad turn and he was being treated. Most of his fans were supportive and accepting that he wasn’t ‘switched on’ celebrity mode a lot of the time. He compartmentalised his life and that meant that when he needed downtime, he stepped out of the spotlight. But it did a lot for educating young people on mental illness, especially bipolar. He helped others who had mental illnesses feel accepted and see that even celebrities could be ill and suffer episodes. He never wanted to hide that or wash over it, even if it was extremely difficult for him to have exposed. She knew Justin’s case was unique and if she joined his team, it would be rewarding experience for her. But also probably extremely difficult sometimes. She was really aware that she was yet to be privy to how Justin was mentally now. He seemed okay but the operative word was ‘seemed’.
Sasha rubbed his hand over his face and shook his head. “I was too freaking embarrassed to admit some fancy dessert just made me hurl. I was sitting in a room surrounded by all these really expensive and important people and I was heaving at Christmas pudding… all the while crushing so freaking hard on him and having no clue I was. Seriously, I was pretty clueless to start. But I don’t think either of us technically made a ‘first move’, did we?” He looked to Justin for clarification. “I do remember pretty much the first thing he said to me was that he would shoot for a more dramatic entrance, but he couldn’t even fart without his broken ribs hurting. Totally broke the ice. Sunshine made us kiss under the mistletoe. That was kind of the first moment I got a little niggle I might be gay, I just didn’t understand it. Our first kiss was at Shannon’s party at the farm when we decided we wanted to give dating a shot. Mostly, I didn’t really know how to make moves. I didn’t know I was Ace back then. I was so nervous about meeting him, I had the runs pretty much the entire day before,” he confessed, burying his face in against Justin’s shoulder with a laugh.
Justin grinned, pausing in eating his BLT to snuggle Sash and kiss the top of his head. “We met right after Bondi. I was going to stay in Sydney to work on a new project of Caden’s, get me away from everything. It had been a shitstorm and I wasn’t coping with anything. Mom and Dad divorced, I broke up with Will, Uncle Paris had just been diagnosed with a brain tumour, my long-lost almost-sister had shown up out of the blue to find Mom. I was sick as all hell. I kept trying to attempt. My head was in a really bad place. I barely remember most of it with clarity. Then Presley called me and told me about Andi wanting me to help Sash sing on a public stage. She wanted to see if before she died. And he just… changed my life. I don’t think he quite realises that he literally saved my life. Not that I was expecting it any way. I thought I was just doing another wish obligation, you know? I’ve been doing them since I started Footloose. He was just special from day one. It’s hard to explain, you just kind of feel it, I guess. When you meet your soul mate. He showed me how to smile again and feel happiness. I know, it sounds like bullshit, but it’s how it happened.”
Autumn gave them both a point and patted their knees. “You two boys are going to make me cry if you’re not careful. All this cute, I can’t take it. Sash, I know I contributed to all this pain Smooshie’s talking about, but I also witnessed a lot of his horrific struggles with his bipolar. We were with him through many episodes, so I know how huge it is for him to have opened himself up to you. I also know that means how special you had to have been for him to take that leap. You would never have gotten that ring on his finger otherwise. I feel so lucky to get to come back to witness it and that he’s letting me near again. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he didn’t want a bar of me ever again. I was a pretty horrible bitch when I left,” she added wryly.
“Yeah, but, Jus doesn’t hold grudges. Like, ever. From what I’ve seen, he gets frustrated and pissed off with people who are open or real with him. He’ll get angry if people try to keep shit from him, but he’s pretty much forgiven everyone who has hurt him. Hurt, not damaged,” Sasha had to clarify because Justin would never have to forgive those file evil sexual predator cunts who almost took his life. He wouldn’t stick on the subject. Justin was beginning to heal and recover after his mother nearly destroyed him again but he wanted Autumn to understand that the mere fact she was back and making an effort to put things right, Justin would automatically respect that. “And he’s talked to me about the possibility of you joining his team and the only thing he seems concerned with is that you might hurt him or run away again. He’s still processing and working on accepting that his disability has gotten worse and because of that, his team needs to restructure because he needs more support overall. Which he does. Especially so he can get back on stage and doing the charity work he loves. Some days are just really, really hard…”
Justin was nibbling his lip listening to Sasha’s observations of the situation. Then he was smiling softly because it was really spot-on. Even just hearing it couched in the discrete way Sash went with was hard. Justin knew his illness had gotten worse and trying to pretend it hadn’t would only cause him grief and stress trying to return to his professional life without reinforcements. His C-PTSD, his bipolar, and his psychosis had all gotten worse with his mother getting into his head again and using Ice. He had also been officially diagnosed with dissociative amnesia related to past trauma. He had always had dissociation. His mind blocked shit out that was too difficult to process and it could lead to psychotic episodes. But memories he barely knew he had locked away had been sliced open and come flooding back. His life had been about as hard as any childhood could get and he was damaged because of it. But he was in a privileged position to be able to get the best care he could. It made him believe he could keep going but he had to heal. It was just really hard to accept being disabled when it was invisible and in his mind. Some days, he actually felt guilt about having that label because he was able-bodied and working in a dream career. That was something he was continually working through with his therapists. Acceptance of his disability and limitations, opening up to other ways of getting back on top of things.
He took another small bite of his wrap, quietly lost in thought while he finished it and had a sip of apple juice before he spoke up, picking at a lettuce leaf sticking out the top. “I… it’s hard. And, um, some things I know seem personal. How I respond to people or react to shit. I dunno. I just know sometimes that what is going on in here,” he pointed to his head, “and I’m feeling it doesn’t translate to how all you guys are experiencing it. That can be really exhausting sometimes and frustrating because I know everyone just wants to help. Only now, sometimes I have absolutely no control or much awareness of what’s actually happening in my head and it’s been one epic shitstorm. But hopefully the worst is over now. I’m ready to take the next steps. But, like… what about you? Other than the career change. What else has been happening in your life? Are you dating or anything?”
Autumn watched the way Sasha softly stroked Justin’s hair or massaged his neck as he got to trying to explain these difficult things. He was watching Justin intently for any sign of distress, ready if he needed him, and it was a beautiful thing to witness. Very similar to what she had seen in Kyan’s face when he talked about Reecy. She was almost too distracted being fascinated by it to hear Justin had flipped the conversation away from him and onto her. “You’re no amateur at rising from the ashes, Smooshie. So many times we thought we were losing you or lost you and you came back to us. But every time you do, you have to adjust and figure it out all over again. You might not feel strong, but you’re tough. You’ve always been one of the toughest people I know. You’ll never be able to give up on what you’re born to do.” She laughed and shook her head. “About the best offer I’ve had is an actor who proposed to me. Not marriage. No. Proposed a bearding contract and I have to admit, it was seriously tempting because he’s a sweetheart. My track record with sweethearts is pretty abysmal, though. Knowing my luck, I’d fuck that up too. Coming back to New York really is a fresh start. If I at least sort my career out, maybe the rest will follow.”
Justin was about to take another bite of his lunch when Autumn said that and his eyebrows shot up. “Beard? For who? Or is that top secret info? You’d be an awesome beard, though! Seriously. Like, you’re a natural-born fag hag. At least, you were before you had that personality snap… whatever that was.” He gave her a smirk, letting her know there was really no hard feelings if she had realised she was being dumb and came back to fix things. Sash has been spot-on with that. “You’ve got piles of gay or LGBT+ friends, both your brothers are LBGT+. I mean, I get you probably want to find your own perfect match and soul mate and all that, but you hinted that you wanted to focus on your career for awhile. Maybe you could help a guy out in the meantime, kill two birds with one stone. He’s obviously got a reason to need or want a beard. I know my team suggested it when I was first starting out because I had all those issues in the past when I tried to come out but it was time for me. This business, it can be brutal for some people who aren’t quite ready.”
“Beard? Like, they pay you to pretend to be someone’s girlfriend? I didn’t even realise they still did that,” Sasha said with a shrug. He unscrewed the cap of Justin’s juice, offering it to him again. He needed to eat a bit more because he was due his meds soon and these ones couldn’t be taken on an empty stomach. “I suppose if you’re not ready to be out and don’t want people sticking their noses into your private life when you’re in the spotlight, it makes sense. I’ve seen some of the things Justin’s fans say. Like, there’s a whole bunch of them who like to fantasise that he’s dating other celebrities and shit. He hasn’t even met some of them, it’s hilarious. But that’s what being a fan is about for some people, escaping into a fantasy world. Luckily none seem too obsessive. At least, not since I’ve been dating him. A lot of them are real sweet and just over the moon to get to see him or meet him. That part, I love seeing. He makes people smile so much, it way cool.”
Autumn laughed at Justin’s keen endorsement of this particular part of her career that cropped up out of the blue. It was true, she used to be one of the biggest fag hags in the mix until she dropped the ball. “Actually, it’s funny you should say that, Sash. The guy is someone who Justin was rumoured to have had an affair with, around the time you guys took a trip to London? Right before that. Then photos of you two snuggling at the London Eye emerged and it seemed to shift focus. His team outwardly denied it and he had a brief bearding back then but apparently they had a huge falling out when she wanted to sell his story and his team threatened to sue her for breach of contract. Last I heard, she was trying to get her own reality TV show. You guys were both involved in a collaboration project, but in passing. Kinda of a ships passing in the night thing but some people obviously though you worked more closely together.”
Justin caught the way Sasha side-eyed him then. It probably sounded all well and good until some wankers out there believed he was screwing another guy not all that long after he and Sasha started dating. Justin wasn’t foreign to these sorts of rumours. There were just some fans out there that hated reality and didn’t want to accept it, so they made up their own stories. Or there were gossip rags who liked to sensationalize. Mostly, Justin had been a celebrity who dodged a lot of it because of his health. Aiden was a PR wiz, he knew just how much to give them to allay certain consequences, like the fact Justin probably would’ve been labelled a drug addict long ago had he not been open about his mental illness and past addictions because of it. He was also extremely protected from a lot of things. Other celebrities in his position weren’t so lucky. “Someone I worked with on a collab? I haven’t done any collabs. Have I? Other than writing for some people. Chill, baby. It’s sensationalism. Chances are I’ve never met whoever it is. You’ll have to clue me in, Aut. I don’t read the gossip bullshit. Especially not around that time. I was pretty damn distracted with meeting the love of my life. London was a lot of first for us. Sash’s first real taste at crazy nosy fans too.” He turned Sasha’s face to him and gave him a reassuring kiss. Even if they were as solid as they could be, no one wanted to think about rumours of their other half hanging another person.
“It’s Brandon Blake. He did a cover of Hungry Eyes for Caden when they were launching the Dirty Dancing musical. I think they probably wanted me as much to help clean up his image as they did for me to beard him. I don’t know, I didn’t really give it much thought. I personally haven’t met him either but his reputation precedes him, to say the least.” Autumn hadn’t even realised he was gay when her own manager contacted her with the gig. They didn’t actually specifically confirm any sexuality but he was at least something where he wanted to screw guys privately while maintaining an image as a sex symbol, heartthrob, all those things you ended up when you, like Brandon, played the main character of a hit long-running TV series. Brandon played a character who was a rockstar fronting a world famous rock band as a cover for being a private investigator. It was in something like its fifth season and had no notion of ending any time soon. Only, recently Brandon had been getting himself into mischief and gaining a reputation for himself as partying hard, drinking (and possibly using drugs), sleeping around with fangirls, showing up to work late and hungover… the usual deal. From what Autumn heard, he was a nice enough guy but she wasn’t sure in trying to break into a new career being connected to someone who’s rep was dwindling was a good idea.
“Oh my god, I love him! His show’s freaking awesome,” Sasha enthused, his passing uncertainty from a few moments ago evaporating. “Wait, there were rumours about Justin and Brandon? Jesus, shows how much I take notice of all that shit too. I mean, I know he’s a bit more wilder and rough around the edges than the clean-cut boy nextdoor type of dude he was marketed as when the show started but I wouldn’t have picked him as gay. He’s always with chicks. Which I know really means nothing in this day and age. But he doesn’t seem like a bad guy. Maybe he’s just fed up with the Hollywood bullshit. It seems exhausting. I don’t know if I could do any of this is Jus was in the thick of it.”
Justin’s phone trilled with an incoming text message and he checked to see who it was. He scrunched up his face and didn’t reply. “They’re trying to get me to lock in the charity Christmas concert. I just don’t think I have the conditioning for it this year. Then I feel guilty about that.” He put his phone back into his pocket, figuring he would think about it later. “You should do it, Aut. I mean, what would it be? His Plus One for shit like red carpets, excellent opportunities to schmooze big wigs, which is good for your new career. Meet loads of people in the business. Have your picture taken by a few paps, shoot him a few replies on social media, get free shit like clothes. You’ll probably get paid loads for it too. If you’re not dating anyone else. Plus, his show’s filmed over here.”
Sasha held up his hand. “Stop. I’ll get a boner thinking about you singing O Holy Night. I’m done for when you hit those upper and lower registers.”
“Okay, hot stuff, I have your drugs and food, if your bride hasn’t brought you some.” Ari was running a little late for reasons he was definitely not going to clue Justin in on. He knew if he let slip even the slightest detail on that side of his life, the kid would zero in on it and have him analytically stripped down and sized up quicker than he could say ‘Hot lawyer’. A lot of that had to do with the fact Mark was his father and was not only said hot lawyer’s boss but said hot lawyer was also Justin’s attorney for his professional affairs. “Actually, I didn’t bring food. Of course your bride brought you some,” he added, smirking when he came up to Justin and gave him a kiss on the cheek, handing him a little plastic box with his afternoon medication in it. Whenever Justin was working, getting his meds to him on time so he stayed well was Ari’s job. It was his job to make sure Justin took them and didn’t cheek them, stockpiling them to use to OD at some point down the track. He had never done that in Sasha’s presence, though. “You feeling okay? Hello, darling, you’re looking better than when I last saw you,” he told Sasha, kissing his cheek too. The last time he saw him, he was the colour of a crack addict’s badly cut crack and couldn’t even sit up.
Autumn was laughing and about to tease Sash just a little whilst letting what Justin was saying tick over in her head when a frankly stunning tall blonde walked into the hall looking like he just stepped off a catwalk. He could have been one of FABULOUS’s supermodels with how he was dressed. She was momentarily blinded by just how disgustingly perfect he was and only realised it had to be the famous Arian, Justin’s Social Worker and Clinical Carer (though known to most of his fans as his ‘PA’). He had every bit the presence she had been warned by both Kyan and Reecy that he had. Apparently, if she wanted this gig, she had to be able to work closely with Ari and Justin deeply respected his Clinical Carer, who worked with Justin on different forms of behavioural therapy to cope with his living his life, including work. And this was one hellishly tall (6’2’’) at least) order to her short (5’5”) history of success in the business.
Justin held up his wrap and gave Ari a smirk when he took the box of medication. “On it. Did Dad give you the new schedule thingo I’m supposed to be doing? My therapist gave it to me and I left it at Dad’s work. It was too much therapy BS for me to understand. I’m surprised he didn’t tell me when to shit and when I’m allowed to fuck so it doesn’t affect my mood mojo.” He opened the box and poured the pile of pills into his palm, scrunching his nose up. They had doubled in volume since his latest episode. “Ari, this is Autumn. Aut, this is Arian. You guys know about each other so I don’t have to spell it out. I’m going to take all these and if I can still move, I’m taking my man home to bed.” It was a bit of a process but he took all the pills and washed them down with some apple juice. He took a couple of more bites of his wrap and stood up, holding his hand out to Sash. “Convince Aut of the benefit of a bearding contract.”
Sasha was smirking too when he let Justin help him up off the sofa because he probably would have stumbled without the assistance. “Sure it’s safe to leave them alone together?” he joked, grabbing Dory’s leash because their furkid would come with them automatically.
“I dunno. Hunger Games, eat your heart out,” Justin laughed, wrapping his arm around Sasha’s waist. He gave Ari and Autumn a wave, and they left together, bed definitely their intended destination.
“Subtle as a ten-inch dildo up the ass, that kid,” Ari remarked as he sat in Justin’s vacated spot and cross his legs, scrutinising Autumn with an intrigued smirk. “Bearding contract, huh? You as the beard or needing one? I’d offer but I’m a screaming queer and not willing to hang that crown up for anyone.”
Autumn snickered in amusement. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a better description of our Smooshie than that. It’s not really a gig I was seriously considering. I only told him because I thought it’d be a laugh but then he has to actually go and make a good case for it. Ironic, considering who I would be potentially bearding is an actor he was previously rumoured as having a fling with. So, what do you think? I mean, you’re technically a beard for his clinical care on the job, right?” It wasn’t all the different an arrangement, even if no one had officially labelled Ari Justin’s PA, people just assumed he was because he was at every appearance Justin made and was usually always at the theatre with him while he performed. Truth was, he was a professional trained to spot if Justin needed medical support. He was way more valuable than any beard or PA.
“You could say that. His audience and fans don’t need to know his personal business like what clinical care he does or does not need to do what he does. He’s a unique case and it needs unique management. If they think I’m his PA, I’m white noise. If they think I’m anything else I’m probably either banging him or a warning bell that he’s about to fling himself off the nearest high surface. My job is just as much preserving his dignity as it is taking care of his occupational clinical needs.” Ari drummed his fingers on the armrest of the sofa, still smirking at her. “Well, that narrows the subject down to at least double-digits. I don’t need to know who it is. If you’re asking about it, it means you’re interested. The biggest question is probably is he a dick and if he’s a dick, do you want to spend so much time at the side of a dick? I assume you’re single?”
“Very,” Autumn replied wryly without a hint of hesitation. “I take it you know who my ex is? If you’re that closely associated to Justin, you would. And no, the guy isn’t a dick. Maybe a bit messed up and a loose canon, but not a dick as far as I can see. I guess it’s always a risk they turn out to be a dick, but how is that different to any Plus One scenario? I just think he’s obviously got reasons to want a beard and I respect that. I have three brothers. Four, if you count Smooshie, my honorary little bro. They’re all LGBT+. All gay except Cal, he’s bi. Jesse, my half-brother, had a terrible religious upbringing and was forced to ignore his sexuality when he was still with his birth family in the deep south. I know there are reasons why people do this sort of thing, especially in the fickle world of showbiz. I’ve shelved romance for awhile anyway, so why not? Can I ask you something? About Justin?”
Ari took a nail file out of his messenger bag and started to lightly file a sharp edge of his index nail. “You can ask. There’s always a chance you might not like the answer. I’m a clinician, he has medical confidentiality. I don’t even talk to Sash unless he gives the tick of approval. He always does but you can never assume. But you know him and his situation, so I doubt you’ll dig where you’re not supposed to. I know that if he’s open to you negotiating the position as his Assistant Manager, he would have filled you in on at least a harrowing summary of what he’s recently disclosed. Because of that, anything we talk about here doesn’t leave this room. I know Jesse and Jace, I didn’t realise he was your brother. You know, bearding has a stigma attached but the bottom line is, if someone isn’t ready to come out, that’s their business.”
“How is he? I’m not suggesting he’s giving me a skewed report. I just know how he feels can often be different to how we need to understand he is. I can see he’s doing well, I don’t mean that. I guess I’m asking how he is after everything, how he’s changed to how I used to know him. Medically. He really hasn’t changed in personality. He’s refreshingly the same on that front, just way more loved up than when I saw him before I left. He and Will were well and truly on the rocks then. If I’m going to come into this, I want it to be fully-informed.” Autumn watched Ari filing his nails like the fabulous bitch he clearly he was. Obviously a fashionista and then some. How Gen hadn’t snapped him up to put on her cover was a miracle. She nodded slowly at Ari perspective. “I guess it couldn’t hurt to meet the guy and get more information. I wouldn’t even know how the whole thing worked. It’s not like I couldn’t use the cash right now. Nothing’s a given with Justin.”
“He could be giving you a skewed report. The thing about dissociation and dissociative amnesia is that it never comes back as a direct memory. It’s like a fractured view, looking into a broken mirror. And how he reports that will change depending on where his bipolar is, how his trauma responses have been. He could sit here one day and say, hey, I was the victim of a pedophile ring, with complete detachment like he’s talking about the weather. The next, if he’s manic and on edge, you might get it in finite detail. He might be able to tell you the smell of a carpet his face was held against or the feel of a leather belt around his throat. The upside is, he likely won’t unload that stuff onto you. He predominantly discloses to Sasha as a first port of call, which is not unusual in the slightest. Sasha has him at his most intimate and vulnerable, which is when a dissociated memory will likely come through. Dream states, times of high stress, sickness, that sort of thing. Justin was in a severe state when he disclosed this stuff. I think what you’re looking for here is whether that has changed how he sees life. Yes, it has. He’s stabilising with the ketamine infusions and Sasha’s a very stabilising force around him too. So are his friends. Just know the signs. Until you see those, he’ll be the same as you’ve always known him.” Ari’s smirk turned into a smile and he stood, taking her hand and kissing the back of it. “Look into the bearding. May as well enjoy some perks while you’re waiting for the next Mr Right to come along. Or Mrs, if that’s what jingles your bells. It was nice meeting you. We’ll be fine. I think you know how handle a good bitch.”
Autumn was grinning when she watched Ari leave. A relief settled over her and she sat back in the sofa, looking around the empty rehearsal hall. After a few minutes of deep thought, she took her phone out and brought up the name of Brandon Blake’s manager. Maybe the boys were right, a few little perks always did a girl a world of good.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Regouping
Where: Manhattan, NYC
When: After this
As soon as Justin signed on the dotted line to agree to a solo tour which was likely going to coincide with taking Footloose on the road, his management book him into a rehearsal space because he wanted to start strength and conditioning training after his latest hitch in the road. He was over the surgery and physically well again, and he would only get even better mentally once he could work again. It was the weekend, so a good chance to get some of the squad together to hang out for a bit and kill two birds with one stone. Justin needed to start conditioning again and the band were keen to jump on board with at least considering the option they might join him on tour. It would be an excellent opportunity for Violet Rainbows and they could do a lot for charity too.
Of course, it was all still in the very early days. A lot needed to be sorted and assessed and organised, most importantly getting Justin to a fitness level where his doctors and therapists would sign off on his return to work first and the tour down the track. In the meantime, they could have some fun chilling out with music.
Violet Rainbows, the band made up of Justin’s friends who played gig at events for the two charity sister organisations Justin and Sasha were ambassadors for, Shades of Violet and Shades of Rainbow, for young people with mental health and LGBT+ youth facing challenges, respectively. Justin sang with them when he was booked for events, otherwise they shared vocals. Whenever Justin performed, Maryanne and Sash backed him. It was an arrangement they all loved and worked well, especially how close they were as friends. The band consisted of Maryanne on vocals, Shannon on keyboard/piano, Fin on drums, Noah on guitar, and a girl on bass and a guy who played sax and violin, both beneficiaries of the charities and struck up a rapport with Justin on a few occasions (he tended to connect with many beneficiaries who had an interest in pursuing music or acting).
The new kids weren’t there. He didn’t know them well enough yet to bring them into the fold of the squad and this was all unofficial anyway. They were mostly just messing around in between the song list Justin’s vocal coach wanted him to work through. Sasha was at his mom and dad’s for the morning because some distant great aunt was visiting for morning tea to deliver Christmas gifts. He was adamant he didn’t want Justin there and it only came to light that she apparently wasn’t really modern in thinking and could be vocal about gay people. Sasha only saw her every couple of years and he didn’t feel he should have to justify his sexuality to anyone.
He had been close to his great uncle, who had worked with his grandfather and dad on the racing scene but he passed away following a stroke. The only reason he and his wife never got a divorce was because that, like gay people, was frowned upon in her world too. All in all, Sasha was right when he said it would be too exhausting for Justin to have to deal with. She wasn’t a family member who would ever be significant.
Justin was just finishing up singing Zombie by The Cranberries and Legendary by Welshly Arms when Sasha arrived at the rehearsal hall, way, way early than anticipated. The others were cheering when they finished the latest song, which they decided should be the squad’s theme song, when Sasha joined them on the stage and pulled Justin in for a hug and eager kiss. “Hey, sexy. You’re way early back. Everything okay?” Justin asked, letting his hand sweep down Sasha’s back so he could give his arse a quick squeeze.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaand that’s our cue to leave,” Maryanne, a tried and true lesbian, joked, snickering at them. “We’re all going to get burgers. You guys wanna come? To get burgers. Don’t answer that generically. What I meant to say was do you wanna come with us or do you have to keep going, JC?”
“Actually, do you guys mind if we take a raincheck? We haven’t had much time to grab alone together with hospital and Sash’s migraines and a pile of shit going on.” Justin rubbed Sasha’s back, giving him a smile with led to them sharing another kiss.
Sasha nodded and gave then gang a wave. “Yeah, you guys have fun. Jus has a meeting a bit later anyway so I’m going to stick around for that. I’ll catch you at school.” He waited until they were all gone and rehearsal hall quietened down a little. “So… I maybe told my decrepit great aunt to go fuck herself just a little bit,” he admitted sheepishly once they were alone. Or mostly alone. He knew some of Justin’s staff would be around somewhere but he was used to that dating someone in the biz.
“What? Seriously?” Justin laughed, trying to snuggle Sasha closer now they had a little alone time. He had been realising a lot lately that for the simple fact of what he did for a living and a dream, and how sick he was frequently, a lot of his life was filled with many different people which mean so was Sasha’s. They needed these snatches of time alone together, to stay connected, even if they just cuddled in bed for awhile or watched a movie or sat outside watching the clouds while Justin smoked his medicinal marijuana which he needed as part of his current ongoing treatment regime. “What happened? You’re okay, right? Before I laugh too much, I want to make sure nothing awful happened.”
“Oh yeah, I’m fine.” Sasha was laughing too, heading over grab the remote for the sound system to put his phone in the dock, flicking on one of their playlists. They had a whole pile of joint playlists but there really wasn’t a lot of music they didn’t like as a couple. Justin wasn’t much of a fan of rap or heavy metal beyond a few select songs and Sasha hated country. “She was refusing to acknowledge I’m in a relationship with a guy and kept changing the subject anytime something near it came up, which was anytime she was asking me questions about my life. Then the only time she couldn’t dodge it, she basically implied that she thought young people these days were too weak with them all professing to have mental illnesses left and right. Long story short, I won’t ever be seeing her again. My dad told her to go fuck herself first, telling her she was insulting you and me with her attitude. My Great Uncle would’ve been so fucking ashamed of her.”
Justin rolled his eyes and snorted. “Professing to have it. What a bitch. But on the upside, I get longer with my favourite person in the whole world.” He pulled Sasha close again, smiling as his eyes swept over Sasha’s face. It was a slower song that started so he began to dance with him, forgetting about the rest of the world for a little while. “Is it bad I’m slightly turned on at the thought of you telling your prejudiced great aunt to fuck off?”
“Well, I’d have to say that balances us out because I’m slightly turned on at the thought of getting to watch you own a stage again. Actually, scratch that. I’m a lot turned on by it.” Sasha grinned and bumped their noses together, a precursor to a deep kiss.
It didn’t take much for the kiss to turn more passionate and hungry. Their intimate lovemaking had taken a backburner in recent months. They caught a few moments here and there, but with the mess going on in Justin’s head, his sex drive had bombed with the rest of him. It hadn’t taken long for them to realise that Sash’s sexual desire mirrored Justin’s. It seemed that being grey-ace, Sasha was never really just randomly horny. It only happened when Justin was up for it, but when he was, they had incredible sexual chemistry. Then just as Justin began to recover and he was getting turned on more and more, Sasha was hit was one of those Satan migraines that took him down hard. He was much better now, of course, or he would be still bedridden. There was some residual head pain and weakness down his right side which felt a little like jelly-legs, but he was leaps and bounds better than he had been the week before and was absolutely horny seeing Justin resume his natural position at a microphone looking like the superstar that he was.
When the next song started playing over the sound system, Justin pulled back from the kiss with a grin and started to serenade Sasha and dance with him to Can't Take My Eyes Off You. It was one of many songs he knew by heart. Sure, he had a damaged mind on many levels but he was also gifted with the ability to memories songs - lyrics, melodies, chords, notes, the works - and could perform at the drop of a hat. Having as fucked up a life as he had in the short years he had existed, he had to have something special to help him keep surviving. The lyrics to this song were a perfect homage to how he felt about Sasha and had since very soon after they met.
Autumn had arrived at the venue Aiden had given her the address to when Justin was about halfway through singing Zombie. Making amends with him had been much easier than she had anticipated but he had been honest with her that he was still in recovery and a lot was going on in his life right now… including the fact Sasha had been floored by a really bad migraine that frankly sounded terrifying to experience. He had been clear with her that if there was even an iota of a possibility she might join his team, the clincher would be that Sasha liked her and got along with her. He said he would get in touch some way when a more convenient opportunity for her to meet Sasha cropped up. Aiden shot her a text saying Justin would be training most of the day at this venue if she wanted to drop by in the afternoon. Of course she was going to go.
She got the chance to see a little of Justin’s friends in action. Some of his friends had a band and they were training with him. At least until Sasha arrived and they made excuses to leave them to it. Autumn had read the amazing the spread in FABULOUS about Justin and his friends being a group of young people identifying on a range of places on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. His sister, Amarlie, whom Autumn hadn’t met yet had designed and created all the outfits they wore in the photoshoot, each a shout-out to their sexualities or gender identities. It was a mindfuck for Autumn to discover Justin had another sister, apparently Gen’s daughter but whatever that situation was. Amarlie not only identified as ‘probably bi but still questioning’, designed all the outfits in the colours of each respective Pride flag they were photographed with. Autumn found the article when she was Googling Justin one time and thought the pictures of him and Sasha were adorable. One thing she discovered was Justin had never tried to hide his relationship with Sasha, he was just very vague in the public details he shared, clearly wanting it kept private. In that article, Sasha actually came-out as being on the asexual spectrum - demisexual or grey-asexual - as well as being gay. It was that magazine spread Autumn realised just how much Justin’s squad had expanded while she was away. There were at least half of them now she didn’t know but damn, were they a gorgeous looking group of kids and Amarlie was an amazing designer. Not surprising considering she had Gen and Paris Hart’s blood in her veins.
Autumn was going to catch Justin’s attention after he finished his songs, sounding as incredible as he always had. It didn’t sound to her like he was unconditioned at all. But before she had the chance, Sasha arrived and they were caught up in each other’s presences straight away. She didn’t want to interrupt their moment. They were adorable together and she could see Justin’s happiness oozing out of him. They were smitten with each other and she nearly teared up when Justin was serenading him with one of the classic romance songs to ever exist.
When it ended, they shared another few smooches before Justin grabbed his water bottle for a drink. She cleared her throat when she approached the stage. “Hey, boys. Sorry to interrupt, but Aiden said i could drop by this afternoon to catch. Sounding amazing, Smooshie.” She smiled, noticing how beautiful Sasha was the closer she got. Of course Justin was head-over for him. He was tall, beautiful, blonde curly hair, sweet smile and intense green eyes. Or possibly light hazel. She knew eye colour could differ in stage spotlights. He seemed so very unassuming for being a fiance to a high profile celebrity, but Justin would unlikely have it any other way. He didn’t buy into the showbiz bullshit, he paid a team to do that on hei behalf so he could still hold the status but didn’t need the mental capacity to cope with all the catches and traps it had. Sasha was watching Autumn as she approached. He wasn’t really eyeing her, he just obviously had no idea who she was, which is why she was here.
Justin had been doing a lot of thinking about Autumn’s return and whether it was a viable option that she joined his team as Assistant Manager. Basically, it would mean she managed his personal affairs and worked closely with Ari, who took care of his medical needs when it came to his work. Ari would assess each booking and event, making sure he was psychologically supported so he could keep doing what he did. What that meant was Autumn would need to gel with both Sasha and Ari, so she needed to at least meet them first before any decisions were made. “Aut, this is Sasha, my fiance. Sash, this is Autumn, my other honorary big sister. Who fucked up a bit along the way, but who hasn’t, right?”
Sasha stepped forward and held his hand out to Autumn, smiling. “Hey. It’s nice to meet you. Um, I actually already sort of have a little connection to you. Your mom teaches music in a Boston high school, right? That was my old school. Andi and I took her class. She was Andi’s favourite teacher. When I came down with her and her family to see Footloose the first time shortly after it opened, Andi told me you were Mrs Mac’s daughter. Sorry, Jus doesn’t know that part. I had a migraine and haven’t been able to stop being sick long enough since he saw you to tell him.”
“What?! Seriously?” Justin said, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. There was also the fact it was probably assumed Justin would be pissed at Autumn for how she ditched Footloose and ran away to LA to try to pursue a screen career which totally tanked. Sasha would have no reason to just put a fact like that out there if Justin felt he had severed tie with her. But he hadn’t really felt any of that. At the time she left, he had a lot going on in his life. She turned into someone he didn’t really like but rather than there being any sort of confrontation, he just pulled back and didn’t take it to heart. He didn’t have a lot of concerns about a new person taking the lead female role, considering the awful ordeal he went with in the past of being sexually harassed by a guy who turned out to be a rapist. It turned out for the best, though, when Cassidy revealed she had a deep interest in dance and the only reason she gave it up was because she was bullied by the dance troupe at her old school for being trans. With a lot of hard work, she scored the role of Ariel and Justin knew he and Cas had great stage chemistry. She was no getting a lot of recognition and support for being a trans lead on Broadway. He was so proud of her. “That’s pretty epic.”
Autumn laughed as she shook Sasha’s hand. “Wow. I had no idea. Mom never mentioned that little fact. I don’t doubt that she remembers you. She has this awesome talent of remembering all her students. I wonder if she knows Andi passed away. Sorry. Jus told me all about her and that she was how you guys met. I don’t mean to crash your little special moment you guys were having here. If there’s a better time to catch up, I don’t mind leaving you to it.”
“She probably does know. I think the school had a pretty cool memorial for her after she died. I’d left by then, though. I, um…” Sasha paused, wondering how much he should reveal considering Autumn’s mom still worked at the school. He hadn’t told anyone back in Boston why he left school and transferred to the one in New York with Justin’s friends (now his friends too). A lot was to do with the fact his parents decided to move to New York but a big deciding factor in that was Sasha’s severe anxiety came back at the thought of having to return to the school in the wake of Andi’s death. It was hard to talk about but he thought, all things considered and the chance Autumn may join Justin’s team, it was okay to fill her in a little on this side of things. “I was bullied at that school. For having a disabled dad, for people thinking I was just friends with Andi because she was dying, for not falling into line with the whole peer pressure bullshit about sex and dating, being called a prude and frigid. Whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. But I never pointed fingers at anyone there. I just left. I didn’t want to have to explain myself to anyone. Your mom was the best teacher, though. She always told me I could sing professionally if I ever got the confidence.”
Justin wrapped his arms around Sasha’s waist, cuddling him and softly kissing his cheek as he revealed this stuff to Autumn. He knew how hard it was for him. Sasha always preferred to be an ostrich about the tough things in his life. He coped better not having to talk about things. He wasn’t in denial, it was just the easier route for him with his anxiety. “Maybe we can all have lunch with your mom sometime, Aut? She sounds like an super cool teacher. It’s okay to catch up now, though. Ari’ll be here soon. He brings my meds. Let’s go chill, I need a break.” He headed over to one of the cushy sofas lining the wall of the venue. It was a great place to start his training and rehearsing for the tour. It was early days but he was back in his element. He and Sasha sat close together and he gave his fiance a smile. “You okay, baby?”
Sasha nodded and returned the smile, leaning close to share a kiss with Justin. “I’m good. You? Not too tired or worn out? I know you push yourself too quickly sometimes.” He rubbed Justin’s thigh, a subconscious gesture of care and support. He worried, he couldn’t help it. After everything Justin had been through recently, he was nervous he would take on too much too quickly. “You should eat something, beautiful. Here…” He got up again and went to grab his messenger bag, pulling out a BLT wrap and a bottle of apple juice he picked up for Justin at a cafe on his way back from his parents’ place in New Rochelle.
Autumn saw here what everyone had told her - Justin and Sasha were beautiful together and even in this short space of time, she could see why Sash was Justin’s soul mate. And all this was what she failed in with Kyan and why he was now married to someone else. They were attentive to each other and clearly cared deeply for each other. She was smiling, especially when Sasha produced the snack for Justin, making sure he was eating while he worked. “Jus, push himself too quickly? Never!” she joked, reaching over to ruffle Justin’s hair, just like old times. Back in their Footloose days, she and Reecy would always be playing around with him, teasing him. But he always gave as good as he got, pranking them or farting on them, just like a tried and true little brother.
Justin laughed and nudged her hand away. “Shut up, I do not,” he laughed with a snort, stripping the paper away from the wrap. He wasn’t really hungry but he knew from medical advice he had to eat. It might take some time for his normal appetite to come back. Mostly, he was still on a light diet. He hoped that changed for Christmas because his family always put on a huge spread for the holidays and Thanksgiving was kind of washed over this year with so much going on. “I’m being careful. Promise. I totally do not want to end up back in hospital. I’m so over being poked and prodded. Day admissions for my infusions is the limit, thanks very much.” He took a bit of the wrap and offered it to Sasha.
Sasha scrunched his nose up and shook his head at the offer. His own appetite hadn’t come back after the monster migraine. “I have absolutely no bloody appetite. It’s even more whacked after my homophobic great aunt kept trying to guilt me into eating her fruit cake.” It was one food he absolutely despised and the mere smell had him gagging and dry-retching. Even thinking about it nose, he had to swallow back the disgust thinking about the smell.
“Oh god, I remember that Christmas party benefit I took you to not long after we met. They put a Christmas pudding thing with custard in front of you for dessert and you had to leave the table to throw up. You just told me you had to take a phone call but you were green and nearly heaving,” Justin laughed. Their early days were so hesitant with each other and he was aware Sasha didn’t want to offend him or put him out in any way. He thought the idea that a dessert at a charity benefit making him hurl would upset Justin. “Our pre-dating days. Good times.”
Autumn laughed at Justin’s teasing. Poor Sasha was turning an interesting shade of red but he was laughing too. “So, do I get to hear more tales of how you two met? You must have made quite the impact to breakdown Smooshie’s iron-clad emotional walls, Sash. Well done. What about your first kiss? Who made the first move? Come on, boys, give me some deets!” She patted both their knees, basking in the warmth of their chemistry. She could see even in this short time how happy Sasha made Justin.
Very little about their relationship was made public. She had examined some of the press releases Justin’s team had put out, researching how they went about Justin’s transition into a new relationship or dealing with his engagement. He hadn’t publicly confirmed he and Sasha were engaged but he also hadn’t denied it and wore his engagement ring everywhere. It triggered much speculation amongst his fanbase. Some of it was noxious and toxic but all fanbases had miserable corners like that. Justin’s management never gave them the time of day. His PR team had confirmed his relationship with Sasha quite soon after it started and they did an exclusive interview together in FABULOUS. From then on, Sasha was Justin’s Plus One for any event he attended. He had also been invited to become an Ambassador of Shades of Violet/Rainbow with Justin.
PR also skirted Justin’s health issues. They never denied when he was ill, they always confirmed when he was hospitalised, but never offered specifics beyond his mental illness had taken a bad turn and he was being treated. Most of his fans were supportive and accepting that he wasn’t ‘switched on’ celebrity mode a lot of the time. He compartmentalised his life and that meant that when he needed downtime, he stepped out of the spotlight. But it did a lot for educating young people on mental illness, especially bipolar. He helped others who had mental illnesses feel accepted and see that even celebrities could be ill and suffer episodes. He never wanted to hide that or wash over it, even if it was extremely difficult for him to have exposed. She knew Justin’s case was unique and if she joined his team, it would be rewarding experience for her. But also probably extremely difficult sometimes. She was really aware that she was yet to be privy to how Justin was mentally now. He seemed okay but the operative word was ‘seemed’.
Sasha rubbed his hand over his face and shook his head. “I was too freaking embarrassed to admit some fancy dessert just made me hurl. I was sitting in a room surrounded by all these really expensive and important people and I was heaving at Christmas pudding… all the while crushing so freaking hard on him and having no clue I was. Seriously, I was pretty clueless to start. But I don’t think either of us technically made a ‘first move’, did we?” He looked to Justin for clarification. “I do remember pretty much the first thing he said to me was that he would shoot for a more dramatic entrance, but he couldn’t even fart without his broken ribs hurting. Totally broke the ice. Sunshine made us kiss under the mistletoe. That was kind of the first moment I got a little niggle I might be gay, I just didn’t understand it. Our first kiss was at Shannon’s party at the farm when we decided we wanted to give dating a shot. Mostly, I didn’t really know how to make moves. I didn’t know I was Ace back then. I was so nervous about meeting him, I had the runs pretty much the entire day before,” he confessed, burying his face in against Justin’s shoulder with a laugh.
Justin grinned, pausing in eating his BLT to snuggle Sash and kiss the top of his head. “We met right after Bondi. I was going to stay in Sydney to work on a new project of Caden’s, get me away from everything. It had been a shitstorm and I wasn’t coping with anything. Mom and Dad divorced, I broke up with Will, Uncle Paris had just been diagnosed with a brain tumour, my long-lost almost-sister had shown up out of the blue to find Mom. I was sick as all hell. I kept trying to attempt. My head was in a really bad place. I barely remember most of it with clarity. Then Presley called me and told me about Andi wanting me to help Sash sing on a public stage. She wanted to see if before she died. And he just… changed my life. I don’t think he quite realises that he literally saved my life. Not that I was expecting it any way. I thought I was just doing another wish obligation, you know? I’ve been doing them since I started Footloose. He was just special from day one. It’s hard to explain, you just kind of feel it, I guess. When you meet your soul mate. He showed me how to smile again and feel happiness. I know, it sounds like bullshit, but it’s how it happened.”
Autumn gave them both a point and patted their knees. “You two boys are going to make me cry if you’re not careful. All this cute, I can’t take it. Sash, I know I contributed to all this pain Smooshie’s talking about, but I also witnessed a lot of his horrific struggles with his bipolar. We were with him through many episodes, so I know how huge it is for him to have opened himself up to you. I also know that means how special you had to have been for him to take that leap. You would never have gotten that ring on his finger otherwise. I feel so lucky to get to come back to witness it and that he’s letting me near again. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he didn’t want a bar of me ever again. I was a pretty horrible bitch when I left,” she added wryly.
“Yeah, but, Jus doesn’t hold grudges. Like, ever. From what I’ve seen, he gets frustrated and pissed off with people who are open or real with him. He’ll get angry if people try to keep shit from him, but he’s pretty much forgiven everyone who has hurt him. Hurt, not damaged,” Sasha had to clarify because Justin would never have to forgive those file evil sexual predator cunts who almost took his life. He wouldn’t stick on the subject. Justin was beginning to heal and recover after his mother nearly destroyed him again but he wanted Autumn to understand that the mere fact she was back and making an effort to put things right, Justin would automatically respect that. “And he’s talked to me about the possibility of you joining his team and the only thing he seems concerned with is that you might hurt him or run away again. He’s still processing and working on accepting that his disability has gotten worse and because of that, his team needs to restructure because he needs more support overall. Which he does. Especially so he can get back on stage and doing the charity work he loves. Some days are just really, really hard…”
Justin was nibbling his lip listening to Sasha’s observations of the situation. Then he was smiling softly because it was really spot-on. Even just hearing it couched in the discrete way Sash went with was hard. Justin knew his illness had gotten worse and trying to pretend it hadn’t would only cause him grief and stress trying to return to his professional life without reinforcements. His C-PTSD, his bipolar, and his psychosis had all gotten worse with his mother getting into his head again and using Ice. He had also been officially diagnosed with dissociative amnesia related to past trauma. He had always had dissociation. His mind blocked shit out that was too difficult to process and it could lead to psychotic episodes. But memories he barely knew he had locked away had been sliced open and come flooding back. His life had been about as hard as any childhood could get and he was damaged because of it. But he was in a privileged position to be able to get the best care he could. It made him believe he could keep going but he had to heal. It was just really hard to accept being disabled when it was invisible and in his mind. Some days, he actually felt guilt about having that label because he was able-bodied and working in a dream career. That was something he was continually working through with his therapists. Acceptance of his disability and limitations, opening up to other ways of getting back on top of things.
He took another small bite of his wrap, quietly lost in thought while he finished it and had a sip of apple juice before he spoke up, picking at a lettuce leaf sticking out the top. “I… it’s hard. And, um, some things I know seem personal. How I respond to people or react to shit. I dunno. I just know sometimes that what is going on in here,” he pointed to his head, “and I’m feeling it doesn’t translate to how all you guys are experiencing it. That can be really exhausting sometimes and frustrating because I know everyone just wants to help. Only now, sometimes I have absolutely no control or much awareness of what’s actually happening in my head and it’s been one epic shitstorm. But hopefully the worst is over now. I’m ready to take the next steps. But, like… what about you? Other than the career change. What else has been happening in your life? Are you dating or anything?”
Autumn watched the way Sasha softly stroked Justin’s hair or massaged his neck as he got to trying to explain these difficult things. He was watching Justin intently for any sign of distress, ready if he needed him, and it was a beautiful thing to witness. Very similar to what she had seen in Kyan’s face when he talked about Reecy. She was almost too distracted being fascinated by it to hear Justin had flipped the conversation away from him and onto her. “You’re no amateur at rising from the ashes, Smooshie. So many times we thought we were losing you or lost you and you came back to us. But every time you do, you have to adjust and figure it out all over again. You might not feel strong, but you’re tough. You’ve always been one of the toughest people I know. You’ll never be able to give up on what you’re born to do.” She laughed and shook her head. “About the best offer I’ve had is an actor who proposed to me. Not marriage. No. Proposed a bearding contract and I have to admit, it was seriously tempting because he’s a sweetheart. My track record with sweethearts is pretty abysmal, though. Knowing my luck, I’d fuck that up too. Coming back to New York really is a fresh start. If I at least sort my career out, maybe the rest will follow.”
Justin was about to take another bite of his lunch when Autumn said that and his eyebrows shot up. “Beard? For who? Or is that top secret info? You’d be an awesome beard, though! Seriously. Like, you’re a natural-born fag hag. At least, you were before you had that personality snap… whatever that was.” He gave her a smirk, letting her know there was really no hard feelings if she had realised she was being dumb and came back to fix things. Sash has been spot-on with that. “You’ve got piles of gay or LGBT+ friends, both your brothers are LBGT+. I mean, I get you probably want to find your own perfect match and soul mate and all that, but you hinted that you wanted to focus on your career for awhile. Maybe you could help a guy out in the meantime, kill two birds with one stone. He’s obviously got a reason to need or want a beard. I know my team suggested it when I was first starting out because I had all those issues in the past when I tried to come out but it was time for me. This business, it can be brutal for some people who aren’t quite ready.”
“Beard? Like, they pay you to pretend to be someone’s girlfriend? I didn’t even realise they still did that,” Sasha said with a shrug. He unscrewed the cap of Justin’s juice, offering it to him again. He needed to eat a bit more because he was due his meds soon and these ones couldn’t be taken on an empty stomach. “I suppose if you’re not ready to be out and don’t want people sticking their noses into your private life when you’re in the spotlight, it makes sense. I’ve seen some of the things Justin’s fans say. Like, there’s a whole bunch of them who like to fantasise that he’s dating other celebrities and shit. He hasn’t even met some of them, it’s hilarious. But that’s what being a fan is about for some people, escaping into a fantasy world. Luckily none seem too obsessive. At least, not since I’ve been dating him. A lot of them are real sweet and just over the moon to get to see him or meet him. That part, I love seeing. He makes people smile so much, it way cool.”
Autumn laughed at Justin’s keen endorsement of this particular part of her career that cropped up out of the blue. It was true, she used to be one of the biggest fag hags in the mix until she dropped the ball. “Actually, it’s funny you should say that, Sash. The guy is someone who Justin was rumoured to have had an affair with, around the time you guys took a trip to London? Right before that. Then photos of you two snuggling at the London Eye emerged and it seemed to shift focus. His team outwardly denied it and he had a brief bearding back then but apparently they had a huge falling out when she wanted to sell his story and his team threatened to sue her for breach of contract. Last I heard, she was trying to get her own reality TV show. You guys were both involved in a collaboration project, but in passing. Kinda of a ships passing in the night thing but some people obviously though you worked more closely together.”
Justin caught the way Sasha side-eyed him then. It probably sounded all well and good until some wankers out there believed he was screwing another guy not all that long after he and Sasha started dating. Justin wasn’t foreign to these sorts of rumours. There were just some fans out there that hated reality and didn’t want to accept it, so they made up their own stories. Or there were gossip rags who liked to sensationalize. Mostly, Justin had been a celebrity who dodged a lot of it because of his health. Aiden was a PR wiz, he knew just how much to give them to allay certain consequences, like the fact Justin probably would’ve been labelled a drug addict long ago had he not been open about his mental illness and past addictions because of it. He was also extremely protected from a lot of things. Other celebrities in his position weren’t so lucky. “Someone I worked with on a collab? I haven’t done any collabs. Have I? Other than writing for some people. Chill, baby. It’s sensationalism. Chances are I’ve never met whoever it is. You’ll have to clue me in, Aut. I don’t read the gossip bullshit. Especially not around that time. I was pretty damn distracted with meeting the love of my life. London was a lot of first for us. Sash’s first real taste at crazy nosy fans too.” He turned Sasha’s face to him and gave him a reassuring kiss. Even if they were as solid as they could be, no one wanted to think about rumours of their other half hanging another person.
“It’s Brandon Blake. He did a cover of Hungry Eyes for Caden when they were launching the Dirty Dancing musical. I think they probably wanted me as much to help clean up his image as they did for me to beard him. I don’t know, I didn’t really give it much thought. I personally haven’t met him either but his reputation precedes him, to say the least.” Autumn hadn’t even realised he was gay when her own manager contacted her with the gig. They didn’t actually specifically confirm any sexuality but he was at least something where he wanted to screw guys privately while maintaining an image as a sex symbol, heartthrob, all those things you ended up when you, like Brandon, played the main character of a hit long-running TV series. Brandon played a character who was a rockstar fronting a world famous rock band as a cover for being a private investigator. It was in something like its fifth season and had no notion of ending any time soon. Only, recently Brandon had been getting himself into mischief and gaining a reputation for himself as partying hard, drinking (and possibly using drugs), sleeping around with fangirls, showing up to work late and hungover… the usual deal. From what Autumn heard, he was a nice enough guy but she wasn’t sure in trying to break into a new career being connected to someone who’s rep was dwindling was a good idea.
“Oh my god, I love him! His show’s freaking awesome,” Sasha enthused, his passing uncertainty from a few moments ago evaporating. “Wait, there were rumours about Justin and Brandon? Jesus, shows how much I take notice of all that shit too. I mean, I know he’s a bit more wilder and rough around the edges than the clean-cut boy nextdoor type of dude he was marketed as when the show started but I wouldn’t have picked him as gay. He’s always with chicks. Which I know really means nothing in this day and age. But he doesn’t seem like a bad guy. Maybe he’s just fed up with the Hollywood bullshit. It seems exhausting. I don’t know if I could do any of this is Jus was in the thick of it.”
Justin’s phone trilled with an incoming text message and he checked to see who it was. He scrunched up his face and didn’t reply. “They’re trying to get me to lock in the charity Christmas concert. I just don’t think I have the conditioning for it this year. Then I feel guilty about that.” He put his phone back into his pocket, figuring he would think about it later. “You should do it, Aut. I mean, what would it be? His Plus One for shit like red carpets, excellent opportunities to schmooze big wigs, which is good for your new career. Meet loads of people in the business. Have your picture taken by a few paps, shoot him a few replies on social media, get free shit like clothes. You’ll probably get paid loads for it too. If you’re not dating anyone else. Plus, his show’s filmed over here.”
Sasha held up his hand. “Stop. I’ll get a boner thinking about you singing O Holy Night. I’m done for when you hit those upper and lower registers.”
“Okay, hot stuff, I have your drugs and food, if your bride hasn’t brought you some.” Ari was running a little late for reasons he was definitely not going to clue Justin in on. He knew if he let slip even the slightest detail on that side of his life, the kid would zero in on it and have him analytically stripped down and sized up quicker than he could say ‘Hot lawyer’. A lot of that had to do with the fact Mark was his father and was not only said hot lawyer’s boss but said hot lawyer was also Justin’s attorney for his professional affairs. “Actually, I didn’t bring food. Of course your bride brought you some,” he added, smirking when he came up to Justin and gave him a kiss on the cheek, handing him a little plastic box with his afternoon medication in it. Whenever Justin was working, getting his meds to him on time so he stayed well was Ari’s job. It was his job to make sure Justin took them and didn’t cheek them, stockpiling them to use to OD at some point down the track. He had never done that in Sasha’s presence, though. “You feeling okay? Hello, darling, you’re looking better than when I last saw you,” he told Sasha, kissing his cheek too. The last time he saw him, he was the colour of a crack addict’s badly cut crack and couldn’t even sit up.
Autumn was laughing and about to tease Sash just a little whilst letting what Justin was saying tick over in her head when a frankly stunning tall blonde walked into the hall looking like he just stepped off a catwalk. He could have been one of FABULOUS’s supermodels with how he was dressed. She was momentarily blinded by just how disgustingly perfect he was and only realised it had to be the famous Arian, Justin’s Social Worker and Clinical Carer (though known to most of his fans as his ‘PA’). He had every bit the presence she had been warned by both Kyan and Reecy that he had. Apparently, if she wanted this gig, she had to be able to work closely with Ari and Justin deeply respected his Clinical Carer, who worked with Justin on different forms of behavioural therapy to cope with his living his life, including work. And this was one hellishly tall (6’2’’) at least) order to her short (5’5”) history of success in the business.
Justin held up his wrap and gave Ari a smirk when he took the box of medication. “On it. Did Dad give you the new schedule thingo I’m supposed to be doing? My therapist gave it to me and I left it at Dad’s work. It was too much therapy BS for me to understand. I’m surprised he didn’t tell me when to shit and when I’m allowed to fuck so it doesn’t affect my mood mojo.” He opened the box and poured the pile of pills into his palm, scrunching his nose up. They had doubled in volume since his latest episode. “Ari, this is Autumn. Aut, this is Arian. You guys know about each other so I don’t have to spell it out. I’m going to take all these and if I can still move, I’m taking my man home to bed.” It was a bit of a process but he took all the pills and washed them down with some apple juice. He took a couple of more bites of his wrap and stood up, holding his hand out to Sash. “Convince Aut of the benefit of a bearding contract.”
Sasha was smirking too when he let Justin help him up off the sofa because he probably would have stumbled without the assistance. “Sure it’s safe to leave them alone together?” he joked, grabbing Dory’s leash because their furkid would come with them automatically.
“I dunno. Hunger Games, eat your heart out,” Justin laughed, wrapping his arm around Sasha’s waist. He gave Ari and Autumn a wave, and they left together, bed definitely their intended destination.
“Subtle as a ten-inch dildo up the ass, that kid,” Ari remarked as he sat in Justin’s vacated spot and cross his legs, scrutinising Autumn with an intrigued smirk. “Bearding contract, huh? You as the beard or needing one? I’d offer but I’m a screaming queer and not willing to hang that crown up for anyone.”
Autumn snickered in amusement. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a better description of our Smooshie than that. It’s not really a gig I was seriously considering. I only told him because I thought it’d be a laugh but then he has to actually go and make a good case for it. Ironic, considering who I would be potentially bearding is an actor he was previously rumoured as having a fling with. So, what do you think? I mean, you’re technically a beard for his clinical care on the job, right?” It wasn’t all the different an arrangement, even if no one had officially labelled Ari Justin’s PA, people just assumed he was because he was at every appearance Justin made and was usually always at the theatre with him while he performed. Truth was, he was a professional trained to spot if Justin needed medical support. He was way more valuable than any beard or PA.
“You could say that. His audience and fans don’t need to know his personal business like what clinical care he does or does not need to do what he does. He’s a unique case and it needs unique management. If they think I’m his PA, I’m white noise. If they think I’m anything else I’m probably either banging him or a warning bell that he’s about to fling himself off the nearest high surface. My job is just as much preserving his dignity as it is taking care of his occupational clinical needs.” Ari drummed his fingers on the armrest of the sofa, still smirking at her. “Well, that narrows the subject down to at least double-digits. I don’t need to know who it is. If you’re asking about it, it means you’re interested. The biggest question is probably is he a dick and if he’s a dick, do you want to spend so much time at the side of a dick? I assume you’re single?”
“Very,” Autumn replied wryly without a hint of hesitation. “I take it you know who my ex is? If you’re that closely associated to Justin, you would. And no, the guy isn’t a dick. Maybe a bit messed up and a loose canon, but not a dick as far as I can see. I guess it’s always a risk they turn out to be a dick, but how is that different to any Plus One scenario? I just think he’s obviously got reasons to want a beard and I respect that. I have three brothers. Four, if you count Smooshie, my honorary little bro. They’re all LGBT+. All gay except Cal, he’s bi. Jesse, my half-brother, had a terrible religious upbringing and was forced to ignore his sexuality when he was still with his birth family in the deep south. I know there are reasons why people do this sort of thing, especially in the fickle world of showbiz. I’ve shelved romance for awhile anyway, so why not? Can I ask you something? About Justin?”
Ari took a nail file out of his messenger bag and started to lightly file a sharp edge of his index nail. “You can ask. There’s always a chance you might not like the answer. I’m a clinician, he has medical confidentiality. I don’t even talk to Sash unless he gives the tick of approval. He always does but you can never assume. But you know him and his situation, so I doubt you’ll dig where you’re not supposed to. I know that if he’s open to you negotiating the position as his Assistant Manager, he would have filled you in on at least a harrowing summary of what he’s recently disclosed. Because of that, anything we talk about here doesn’t leave this room. I know Jesse and Jace, I didn’t realise he was your brother. You know, bearding has a stigma attached but the bottom line is, if someone isn’t ready to come out, that’s their business.”
“How is he? I’m not suggesting he’s giving me a skewed report. I just know how he feels can often be different to how we need to understand he is. I can see he’s doing well, I don’t mean that. I guess I’m asking how he is after everything, how he’s changed to how I used to know him. Medically. He really hasn’t changed in personality. He’s refreshingly the same on that front, just way more loved up than when I saw him before I left. He and Will were well and truly on the rocks then. If I’m going to come into this, I want it to be fully-informed.” Autumn watched Ari filing his nails like the fabulous bitch he clearly he was. Obviously a fashionista and then some. How Gen hadn’t snapped him up to put on her cover was a miracle. She nodded slowly at Ari perspective. “I guess it couldn’t hurt to meet the guy and get more information. I wouldn’t even know how the whole thing worked. It’s not like I couldn’t use the cash right now. Nothing’s a given with Justin.”
“He could be giving you a skewed report. The thing about dissociation and dissociative amnesia is that it never comes back as a direct memory. It’s like a fractured view, looking into a broken mirror. And how he reports that will change depending on where his bipolar is, how his trauma responses have been. He could sit here one day and say, hey, I was the victim of a pedophile ring, with complete detachment like he’s talking about the weather. The next, if he’s manic and on edge, you might get it in finite detail. He might be able to tell you the smell of a carpet his face was held against or the feel of a leather belt around his throat. The upside is, he likely won’t unload that stuff onto you. He predominantly discloses to Sasha as a first port of call, which is not unusual in the slightest. Sasha has him at his most intimate and vulnerable, which is when a dissociated memory will likely come through. Dream states, times of high stress, sickness, that sort of thing. Justin was in a severe state when he disclosed this stuff. I think what you’re looking for here is whether that has changed how he sees life. Yes, it has. He’s stabilising with the ketamine infusions and Sasha’s a very stabilising force around him too. So are his friends. Just know the signs. Until you see those, he’ll be the same as you’ve always known him.” Ari’s smirk turned into a smile and he stood, taking her hand and kissing the back of it. “Look into the bearding. May as well enjoy some perks while you’re waiting for the next Mr Right to come along. Or Mrs, if that’s what jingles your bells. It was nice meeting you. We’ll be fine. I think you know how handle a good bitch.”
Autumn was grinning when she watched Ari leave. A relief settled over her and she sat back in the sofa, looking around the empty rehearsal hall. After a few minutes of deep thought, she took her phone out and brought up the name of Brandon Blake’s manager. Maybe the boys were right, a few little perks always did a girl a world of good.
LOG, COMPLETE