"Never thought I'd see your face again."

[autumnkisses]

Who: Autumn MacDonald and Kyan Wilson
What: One hellishly big bullet to bite
Where: Le Pain Quotidien, Central Park
When: After this and this

Autumn was pretty sure she had never been this nervous. It felt surreal being back in New York as it was, but knowing she was going to see Kyan was almost making her feel sick with anxiety. Her old self would have just continued to ignore the shit she pulled and keep her head buried in the sand. She didn't want to be that person ever again. She never wanted to be someone who wasn't there for the people she loved and did things to make it seem like she didn't give a fuck about them. Even just thinking about it made her shift her weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other, restless.

For the last half hour making her way here to the agreed meeting point, she convinced herself Kyan would be a no-show. Only thing was, she knew that wasn't in his nature. Unless something freaky happened on his journey over here, he wouldn't agree to meet with her and just not turn up. Other people might be spiteful or want revenge like that but Kyan didn't have a spiteful or vengeful bone in his body. Trey, on the other hand, probably would. She hoped she didn't accidentally run into him or he could tear her a new one for how much she hurt his twin.

She waited outside the cafe for him, forcing herself not to check her watch every five seconds. And just when she was about to bite right through her lip with the nerves, she saw him coming down the path and wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions that hit her. He looked incredible but she knew he wasn't hers anymore. He never really was, she never deserved him. She gave him a shaking smile, keeping her hands in her pockets. "Hey. I was pretty sure you'd change your mind."

Comments

[autumnkisses]

Autumn nearly reached for his hand reflexively but caught herself before she did and picked up her cake fork instead, fingers wrapping around it. "I didn't resent you, I... there's a reason, but I don't think it's going to be much of a reassurance to you because you've been there too and this just makes me feel like a selfish bitch. Appropriate, considering I was one. But I was in a bad place about not having Dad to walk me down the aisle for our wedding or to even do the Dad thing like pay for it, which is what he always said he dreamed of. Making sure I had the best of everything I ever wanted. I just fucked up and failed to realise he didn't mean materialistically. Once that seed of grief flared back up in my head, it turned me into a monster. Don't worry, I've paid for it. The twins all-but stopped speaking to me save for an email here and there. I lost all my friends and everyone I cared about here. I lost my job thinking I could get better, when I already had the best. I hate myself for it and I know Dad would be so fucking disappointed. He would've loved you. So, so much. But you scored with a father-in-law with Walker. Was he over the moon for you guys?" He took a bite of the cake to shut her verbal diarrhoea up for a bit and then sipped her latte before continuing. "Do... you have photos? I'd really like to see them. It might be hard to believe, but I really am happy for you guys. You probably should've been together from the start. You always had this bright, caring friendship. You always laughed together. When I saw you guys got engaged, I realised that you and I never laughed that much together."

[intothegroove]

"I don't need reassurance. I've moved on with my life and I'm so happy. Happier than I've ever been and only getting distance from the situation helped me realise why. But I'm also not going to hold you under the constraints of blame because of grief. I know that can fuck with your head, especially when you lose a parent that meant everything to you. I'm not going to be that hypocritical asshole. We didn't work, for a lot of reasons. I wish I didn't have to get as hurt by it all as I did, but life sucks sometimes." Listening, Kyan was pretty sure Autumn would have a harder time establishing herself in her career again than she would making up for her fuck ups in her personal relationships. He smirked and nodded, cutting a piece of his muffin off. "Walker's amazing. I love him to bits. He's the dad I never had. Actually, he and Sawyer both are. Sawyer's my Personal Trainer now. They have both been supportive of us right through." He hesitated but took his phone out and brought the album of their wedding photos up. It had been a simple ceremony on a cruise on Sydney Harbour. Trey was his Best Man, Justin was Reecy's Dude of Honour. Their family and closest friends were there. Reecy was the beautiful bride he had ever seen. They had incredible memories.

[autumnkisses]

"I didn't mean to hurt you. Just, by the time I realised I had, it was too late. Which says a lot about how much of a self-absorbed cunt I was back then as well. I thought I grew out of that shit. The stage, Broadway, it was always my dream and I was at the top. I was beside one of the most talented young actors that have ever walked those boards and I didn't want to hurt him either. Or Reecy. Only, telling myself I didn't mean to hurt anyone isn't taking responsibility for my actions. I recklessly hurt you all, so it's the same impact. And I', here to try to put some of it right, just in a different way. I'm not here to beg anyone's forgiveness because I think that's fake. I want my life back here, even if it will be completely different to before. I just know this is where I belong. Hell, I don't even plan on going back to acting. I got a Masters, believe it or not. Everything is a fresh start." Autumn took his phone, and the first photo of the album was a picture of Kyan and Reecy holding each other tight and laughing, the Sydney Opera House in the background with the sun setting over the tip of it. Reecy's dress was so incredibly unconventional, but in the most perfect way. It took her breath away. She teared up for many reasons. "Oh my god, you guys look so beautiful. You look so perfect together. She just... fits you perfectly."

[intothegroove]

Kyan nodded but his lips curled into an amused smirk before he sipped his chai. "Yeah, you were pretty self-absorbed. And lost your mind, apparently. Not because of screwing our relationship up but for throwing your Broadway dream away. Caden exists to give people like you their dreams. There would always be more productions. Now Lisa has joined him as a partner and Drake Productions have new shows opening on the West End in London. They also have one opening in Place du Châtelet in Paris. As cliche as it sounds, you cut your nose off to spite your face. I got Dirty Dancing because I had the dancing and ballroom skill. He thought I could do it. I didn't. Took him ages to convince me and thinking back, Reecy was a big part of that, helping me see it. Can you just stop being an actress when it's been in you your whole life? What's your Masters in?" he asked and plucked a macadamia from his muffin and popped it in his mouth. "Yeah, she does. Physically, emotionally, professionally. I'm proud of everything she does."

[autumnkisses]

Autumn nodded and her nose screwed up with a mix of sheepish regret. "Despite the fact I don't have any plans for returning to acting in the foreseeable future, I've kept up with the theatre world. Mostly so I could still see how you guys were all getting on. I read about Lisa and Caden, which is so fucking awesome. Talk about power siblings. Gen and Paris better watch out, they've got competition. The thing is, I knew the moment I walked away exactly what I'd thrown away and had to hit rock bottom to be forced to work my way back up. Turns out that ivory tower thing is pretty fucking lonely when everyone hates you but you were deluded thinking everyone loved you. I went online and saw the hate pages about me leaving Footloose, abandoning Justin. The rabid portion of his fanbase are evil. Yours and Reecy's tore to me to shreds too, but all warranted. No one out there 'ships' us anymore, but you guys have hoards of them. I got a Masters in Entertainment Management. I figured I could still use my interests but keep the spotlight firmly focuses away from me so my ego doesn't rear its ugly head again like water on a Gremlin." She looked through a few more of the photos and then gave him his phone back. "Wow. You guys really did it. So, any baby plans? Your fans have been on Bump Watch for months now."

[intothegroove]

Kyan raised his eyebrows. "Wow, that's a big career move. You serving other stars? I can't see it. Sure you're cut out for that? It's still as cutthroat an industry as ever, even if you're not in the spotlight." It felt surreal, strange, to be having his conversation with Autumn, someone he very much believed he would have children with one day. That feeling might stick around for a long time yet. He smirked and licked some residual froth from his lips and set his mug down again. "Yeah, that'll keep them busy for awhile. Reec and I don't want to have kids. At least, not biological and not in the foreseeable future. After the harrowing abortion she went through and losing the twin pregnancy in that awful way, she told me that she didn't think she could emotionally cope with another pregnancy. We've actually applied for adoption. It just might take awhile. We want a baby and one from a crisis background that needs a family to love them. She wants to help a child like Justin."

[autumnkisses]

Autumn nodded, giving him a sheepish smile. "I know, it sounds nuts. But after becoming qualified, I found I really enjoyed the work. I contacted Aiden to see if I could get some sort of work experience with his company, maybe shadow some of his better workers. And he kinda touched on the fact Justin's management's changing. Some pretty serious things have happened and because his care team is adapting to his needs, there might be a need for a manager type of role. Sort of like a personal assistant but managing his day-to-day stuff around his work and schedule. Now, I would never in a million years just assume I'm the person for the job or that he'd even want me working for him after what I did but maybe. Aiden told me for a reason. I just haven't have the chance to follow the lead because Aiden's been on leave." She scratched her arm, and met Kyan's eyes, trying to analyse what he thought of the idea she should touch-base with Mark about working on Justin's team. She expected Kyan to laugh and tell her she was being dumb. Her mouth dropped in surprise. "Wow. That's... so Reecy and you, oh my god. I can so see you doing that too. But I always thought you wanted kids of your own some day? Like, sooner rather than later. You're okay with the adoption route?"

[intothegroove]

"Work with Justin? Um, just... brace yourself, I'd probably say. In essence, he hasn't changed but he's disclosed a lot more about his past. That's..." Kyan didn't know how to get her to understand this without giving her specifics. Which he wouldn't. What he knew was highly confidential and Mark had explained to them that the less people knew, the easier it would be on Justin. "Actually, I think he probably has changed a lot since you last had much to do with him. He and Sash are a package deal and I don't think the position would be anything like you learned in your studies. His medical care and professional care crosses over, and at the epicentre of that is Sash, who helps him through it all. We kind of get it because we've been there from the start, but there's a huge gap in time you've lost here and a hell of a lot has happened." He laughed and sat back in his chair. "They will be kids of my own. You think I'm the sort of person who needs my sperm to define my kids? I don't. Reec and I were never going to have a traditional marriage. We do us and I love it. I've never been happier."

[autumnkisses]

Autumn laughed and shook her head. "If I'm honest, I don't at all think I'll work with Justin. Even if the idea got through his gatekeepers, I know he'll tell me to go fuck myself when I get to him. But I thought maybe he wouldn't be averted to letting me spend some time with Ari for some work experience or something. I know what I don't want in my new career is to be kow-towing to some apoiled diva cunt like I was. Which would probably be the best punishment in the world to me, but no, I want to learn from the stupid shit I pulled. Justin's complex, which means he's interesting. How he still manages to do what he does, despite being as sick as he is. Before I turned into a self-absorbed bitch, spending time with Jus used to be one of my favourite things. Between him, you, the twins, and meeting Jess, you all gave me the right tools to be a better person and I shat all over that. I'm ready to leave that part of me dead and buried for good." She knew hearing Kyan talk like this was probably creating more of an impact on her than if he just told her Reecy was pregnant. This was so much more deep, special and... them. When they joined forces, there was no way they wouldn't be incredible. "So, it could happen any day, then? It's all in the works?"

[intothegroove]

"I don't know. Who can ever really pre-empt what Justin will say or do? He's been through a lot recently, Aut. He's different to how you probably remember. Despite all that, I think he might be happier than you've ever really seen him. Content, too. Sasha lives with him and he has loads of friends. They're very close. And protective. But honestly, if there's a chance Justin might want you on his team, then it might be the best of both worlds. You already know him, he has his fingers in a pile of entertainment pies, he knows loads of people, the work's never boring. Would you want to, if there was a chance?" Kyan smirked, pushing his muffin from one side of the plate to the other. His mind wasn't really on eating, to say the least. He was feeling a huge sense of relief settle over him to have some closure. "Well, I think all Justin or your family and friends ever asked from you was presence. I guess if you're swept too far up into yourself, you can be there in body but not present in emotion. "Unlikely to happen extremely soon. More projected a few months, even a couple of years, down the track. The application had to be restarted when we got married and I wanted to co-parent with her. It's not a desperate need for us yet. We've got plenty of time. The show and our charity work keeps us busy."