dreamlikenewyork | "Never thought I'd see your face again."

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"Never thought I'd see your face again."

Who: Autumn MacDonald and Kyan Wilson
What: One hellishly big bullet to bite
Where: Le Pain Quotidien, Central Park
When: After this and this

Autumn was pretty sure she had never been this nervous. It felt surreal being back in New York as it was, but knowing she was going to see Kyan was almost making her feel sick with anxiety. Her old self would have just continued to ignore the shit she pulled and keep her head buried in the sand. She didn't want to be that person ever again. She never wanted to be someone who wasn't there for the people she loved and did things to make it seem like she didn't give a fuck about them. Even just thinking about it made her shift her weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other, restless.

For the last half hour making her way here to the agreed meeting point, she convinced herself Kyan would be a no-show. Only thing was, she knew that wasn't in his nature. Unless something freaky happened on his journey over here, he wouldn't agree to meet with her and just not turn up. Other people might be spiteful or want revenge like that but Kyan didn't have a spiteful or vengeful bone in his body. Trey, on the other hand, probably would. She hoped she didn't accidentally run into him or he could tear her a new one for how much she hurt his twin.

She waited outside the cafe for him, forcing herself not to check her watch every five seconds. And just when she was about to bite right through her lip with the nerves, she saw him coming down the path and wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions that hit her. He looked incredible but she knew he wasn't hers anymore. He never really was, she never deserved him. She gave him a shaking smile, keeping her hands in her pockets. "Hey. I was pretty sure you'd change your mind."

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Kyan had been in bed with Reecy when he received Autumn's text message. She was cuddled into his side and he was watching her sleep in a few moments of peace before he had to get up and shower to put in a brief charity event for Shades of Violet in Justin's place. All Justin's bookings had been put on hold when he was hospitalised, but everyone else already working with Shades of Violet took on as many of them in his place as possible. Reecy had a doctor's appointment she couldn't miss, so Kyan was a lone ranger that day. When the text message came, he had no idea how he was supposed to feel about it. He still didn't. But he just wasn't innately an asshole to just immediately shoot back a shitty reply and leave it at that. The mere fact Autumn was back was huge. He told Reecy when she woke up and she reassured him he was right to just trust his gut, whatever that instinct was. It felt like another lifetime ago when he last saw her. "Hey..." He gave her a careful smile and cleared his throat. "No. I'm a man of my word. Do you want to find a seat and get a coffee?" he asked, gesturing to the coffee house.

Autumn's first thought was that he looked good - so, so good. Right before she forced herself to shove it out of her head. He had told her he was coming from an event or a function. For the charity. She knew he and Reecy were both ambassadors for Shades of Violet now, like Justin was. And some Googling told her that Sasha, Billy, Ajay, Cassidy and Blaize Lamont were. Hell, she thought Blaize Lamont, the fabulous trans nonbinary YouTuber was awesome. She felt herself switch into fangirl mode seeing his profile on the Shades of Violet website and it was only reading his profile that she realised he was Justin's 'room mate'. Since when did Justin have room mates? It made her feel so fucking out-of-the-loop. More than she already was. But Kyan was in a casual grey/silver suit and a trendy light jacket. He had a stylist. Not that he looked back before, he never did. But he was a simple guy with simple tastes. Trey was always the trendy one. Kyan was married to someone else - her ex-best friend - and she had to rapidly work to adjust to that. And yes, he was always a man of his word. She had been the one who fucked up and bullshitted. "Sure. Sounds good. How long have I got you for?" she asked, checking her watch. "I'm not keeping you from something important, am I...?" Being Reecy, his wife, now known as Mrs Reecy Chester-Wilson, Autumn discovered on the charity website.

"I wouldn't have said I was free if I had something important planned." Kyan headed over to the cafe and they grabbed a table on the outskirts beneath an umbrella. He didn't get near as accosted or recognised by fans as Justin because he didn't have as much exposure as him but he still never quite got used to fan encounters. No matter what he did on stage and the role he played, it didn't takes away the fact he was pretty much Johnny Castle's polar-opposite and still unassuming and shy in a lot of cases. He sat and lifted the menu to see what he wanted to order. Mostly, it just gave him something to do with his hands. "I've got to be at the theatre by about four-thirty today. So, will a few hours be enough for... whatever this is all about?"

When Kyan picked the menu up, it was the first time Autumn noticed his wedding ring. It was thick and proud on his finger, platinum probably. It still looked shiny and new. It was so hard to think of him as married at all, let alone married to Reecy. She suspected it would seem more real when she saw them together. Not just together in the same room, but together in love, as husband and wife. The husband he was supposed to be to her until she fucked it up. "I guess that depends how you feel about what I say. I mean, you could be done in ten minutes and I wouldn't blame you whatsoever. I want to apologise. I want to explain a few things, but not because I want to apologise. Just because you deserve so much more than just an apology, which probably feels pointless anyway. You don't owe me anything but you're here and that means a lot to me, that you can give me the time of day. You don't have to. I thought you'd turn me down."

"I feel I should admit I'm mostly indifferent at this point. I mean, I respect that you've come back and want to apologise, but everything is different now. Nothing is how it was when you left, so your perception is probably warped until you catch up on everything." Kyan wasn't really dancing around the issues here. He was more trying to take a soft-entry into all of it, unsure how he was supposed to feel about her being back in New York. He was pretty sure she never would and chalked the entire relationship they had up to a bad experience and feeling stupid for believing she had changed from the demanding diva she apparently was before they met. He stood, taking his wallet out so he could head to the counter to order. "I'll get this. What would you like?"

Autumn nodded and appreciated his honesty. "Jess said the same thing. I get it. I didn't expect the world to stop turning when I left, even if I incorrectly believed it revolved around me for awhile there. I was a cunt..." She picked up a sachet of stevia, shaking it nervously between her fingers. "Just the usual-- ah. Um, caramelatte. Thanks." She caught herself, realising it was unfair to assume he still had details on her logged like her 'usual' coffee order. Even if he remembered, so much time had passed, she could have changed it. Or he had filled that gap in his head with Reecy's 'usual'. But knowing Kyan as she did, he wouldn't even log any of this. He would just know, by default, and use it in all the incredible romantic ways she took for granted. She ached for that kind of companionship after her self-imposed exile.

Kyan went and placed their order, waiting for it to be made. Chai latte for him, caramelatte for Autumn. He brought it back on a tray and pushed a plate with a slice of cake over to her as well. "Red Velvet. I assume it's still your favourite." He sat down with a raspberry and white chocolate muffin for himself and sipped his drink. "I'm glad you saw Jesse. He's had a lot on his plate but he's such a trooper. Nursing isn't a job I could do, but he was fantastic with the kids up in Vermont. Can't imagine having a partner so sick like that." Touch wood, he had never had to see Reecy seriously sick. Of course they had seen each other through the flu, food poisoning, stomach bugs, colds, and all that general unavoidable stuff. He still remembered how much Reecy told him she loved him the first time he held her hair back and made her chicken soup. It was sharing those little things in life together that he valued. It was no secret, he adored being married and he worshipped the ground Reecy walked on. He was fine for her to take the spotlight and tell everyone how much he adored her. "I feel like I should just jump in and address the elephant in the room. That Reecy and I are happily married, so that's going to be a thing. One you probably have questions about, I guess."

Apparently, Kyan hadn't forgotten everything. She hadn't asked for cake but he got it for her anyway. That had nothing to do with their past and everything to do with the fact Kyan was one of the sweetest guys to exist in the universe. Once he flatout addressed the elephant in the room, she took a deep bracing breath but made sure she stifled it from showing externally. She nibbled her lip and bought herself a little time sipping the latte. It was delicious and the cake looked amazing. "Yes, and no. I probably have more questions for myself than anything else. None that I feel I should lay on you and expect a response. Honestly..." She paused, licking some buttercream from her finger. "A happy marriage is something I couldn't wish on two more deserving people. And even if it hurts because of everything I lost... um, threw away... no matter what way I look at it, I know you're perfect for each other. And I'm so sorry for the awful way I left and the awful way I acted towards both of you. I'd love to be part of your life again, but I'd totally understand if you would rather just close the book on that chapter. I'll respect that."

Kyan looked at her over the top of his mug, forehead creasing as he tried to read between the lines. He had given up long ago thinking he understood Autumn, when her personality morphed into something he fell out of love with pretty quickly. The person that walked from New York however long ago wasn't the person he fell in love with, the person he truly believed he would marry and be with forever. He got himself pretty messed up emotionally after the break-up, but it was mixed with a resurgence of his grief and guilt over his mom. It was breaking down in Colorado on their promo tour where he got blind drunk and slept with Reecy for the first time. Then he told her the truth about his mom's death. It was the first tiny little seed of something starting between them that turned into the best thing that happened to him. Reecy was such an unexpected twist of fate, she took his breath away when he let himself just feel. "I can't tell if you mean what you say or you're just saying what you think needs to be said for closure. Sorry. I just don't feel I know you anymore. Reecy and me, we're opposites. Good opposites, not bad opposites. She reminded me how to be happy again. Once I got there, it was just..." He paused, trying to find the best way to describe it, though he wasn't trying to justify it. He knew he didn't have to do that. "Fun. Life was fun and bright again. What do you mean? You want to be friends?"

Autumn's eyes shifted back to his wedding ring. She always liked the look of a guy wearing a ring, what it symbolised. She had come so close to him wearing one because of her. "I... I was jealous. When you got the lead and suddenly all the attention was shifted to you, and you had this massive fanbase of dudes and chicks worshipping you as Johnny. Like, who could blame them? You're smoking on the stage, especially in that role. You shit all over the movie. Just saying. Even if I haven't seen it, I know by default you'll have incredible chemistry with Reecy because she owns a stage too. I didn't know how to share you, I didn't know how to share the spotlight. Because I guess I knew that even if I had a lead in Footloose, that spotlight was never mine. I paled in comparison to Jus. I know all this sounds like bullshit and so totally self-indulgent. It was. Selfish. All the way. I had to fuck up and lose everything to get my shit together. I'm not just telling you want I think you need to hear. Can we start over? You can get to know me again and we can be friends? How did it all start with you guys? What was your wedding like? There was surprisingly few details in the media. I guess you had PR protect the specifics?"

Kyan listened quietly, intently. No matter how shit things ended between them, he was still a polite guy and respected that she deserved his undivided attention. Whatever this was, he knew it had to be taking a lot of balls for her to face. He respected that also. It stung to hear she had been jealous of his success. It was a success he hadn't necessarily wanted at the time. Caden offered him the role because he thought he was a perfect match for it. It took Kyan a hell of a lot of soul-searching before he accepted it and even then, he struggled so much knowing his mom wouldn't be there to see it. Something he assumed Autumn understood at the time, having lost a parent of her own. If she was jealous, it meant she was negating his success when they had been engaged to be married at the time. He took a deep breath instead of just getting shitty, and kept listening until she said her bit. "I guess, then, it was understandable that we broke up because it would never have worked with us long-term. If you resented me that much so early, it was pretty much doomed. But thank you for apologising and... dealing with it, I suppose. Assuming you have?" He titled his head, eyes narrowing a little as he assessed whether the questions about his marriage were genuine also. "Reecy was there for me when I needed it the most. She took care of me when I was at my worst. No, we didn't involve PR beyond more than a simple announcement. We were going to sell photos FABULOUS and give the proceeds to SoV but Justin reminded us that wasn't what charity was about, selling our souls. We eloped, in essence. We were in Australia for Mark and Gen's wedding, we were all in Sydney afterwards and just decided to do it."

Autumn nearly reached for his hand reflexively but caught herself before she did and picked up her cake fork instead, fingers wrapping around it. "I didn't resent you, I... there's a reason, but I don't think it's going to be much of a reassurance to you because you've been there too and this just makes me feel like a selfish bitch. Appropriate, considering I was one. But I was in a bad place about not having Dad to walk me down the aisle for our wedding or to even do the Dad thing like pay for it, which is what he always said he dreamed of. Making sure I had the best of everything I ever wanted. I just fucked up and failed to realise he didn't mean materialistically. Once that seed of grief flared back up in my head, it turned me into a monster. Don't worry, I've paid for it. The twins all-but stopped speaking to me save for an email here and there. I lost all my friends and everyone I cared about here. I lost my job thinking I could get better, when I already had the best. I hate myself for it and I know Dad would be so fucking disappointed. He would've loved you. So, so much. But you scored with a father-in-law with Walker. Was he over the moon for you guys?" He took a bite of the cake to shut her verbal diarrhoea up for a bit and then sipped her latte before continuing. "Do... you have photos? I'd really like to see them. It might be hard to believe, but I really am happy for you guys. You probably should've been together from the start. You always had this bright, caring friendship. You always laughed together. When I saw you guys got engaged, I realised that you and I never laughed that much together."

"I don't need reassurance. I've moved on with my life and I'm so happy. Happier than I've ever been and only getting distance from the situation helped me realise why. But I'm also not going to hold you under the constraints of blame because of grief. I know that can fuck with your head, especially when you lose a parent that meant everything to you. I'm not going to be that hypocritical asshole. We didn't work, for a lot of reasons. I wish I didn't have to get as hurt by it all as I did, but life sucks sometimes." Listening, Kyan was pretty sure Autumn would have a harder time establishing herself in her career again than she would making up for her fuck ups in her personal relationships. He smirked and nodded, cutting a piece of his muffin off. "Walker's amazing. I love him to bits. He's the dad I never had. Actually, he and Sawyer both are. Sawyer's my Personal Trainer now. They have both been supportive of us right through." He hesitated but took his phone out and brought the album of their wedding photos up. It had been a simple ceremony on a cruise on Sydney Harbour. Trey was his Best Man, Justin was Reecy's Dude of Honour. Their family and closest friends were there. Reecy was the beautiful bride he had ever seen. They had incredible memories.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. Just, by the time I realised I had, it was too late. Which says a lot about how much of a self-absorbed cunt I was back then as well. I thought I grew out of that shit. The stage, Broadway, it was always my dream and I was at the top. I was beside one of the most talented young actors that have ever walked those boards and I didn't want to hurt him either. Or Reecy. Only, telling myself I didn't mean to hurt anyone isn't taking responsibility for my actions. I recklessly hurt you all, so it's the same impact. And I', here to try to put some of it right, just in a different way. I'm not here to beg anyone's forgiveness because I think that's fake. I want my life back here, even if it will be completely different to before. I just know this is where I belong. Hell, I don't even plan on going back to acting. I got a Masters, believe it or not. Everything is a fresh start." Autumn took his phone, and the first photo of the album was a picture of Kyan and Reecy holding each other tight and laughing, the Sydney Opera House in the background with the sun setting over the tip of it. Reecy's dress was so incredibly unconventional, but in the most perfect way. It took her breath away. She teared up for many reasons. "Oh my god, you guys look so beautiful. You look so perfect together. She just... fits you perfectly."

Kyan nodded but his lips curled into an amused smirk before he sipped his chai. "Yeah, you were pretty self-absorbed. And lost your mind, apparently. Not because of screwing our relationship up but for throwing your Broadway dream away. Caden exists to give people like you their dreams. There would always be more productions. Now Lisa has joined him as a partner and Drake Productions have new shows opening on the West End in London. They also have one opening in Place du Châtelet in Paris. As cliche as it sounds, you cut your nose off to spite your face. I got Dirty Dancing because I had the dancing and ballroom skill. He thought I could do it. I didn't. Took him ages to convince me and thinking back, Reecy was a big part of that, helping me see it. Can you just stop being an actress when it's been in you your whole life? What's your Masters in?" he asked and plucked a macadamia from his muffin and popped it in his mouth. "Yeah, she does. Physically, emotionally, professionally. I'm proud of everything she does."

Autumn nodded and her nose screwed up with a mix of sheepish regret. "Despite the fact I don't have any plans for returning to acting in the foreseeable future, I've kept up with the theatre world. Mostly so I could still see how you guys were all getting on. I read about Lisa and Caden, which is so fucking awesome. Talk about power siblings. Gen and Paris better watch out, they've got competition. The thing is, I knew the moment I walked away exactly what I'd thrown away and had to hit rock bottom to be forced to work my way back up. Turns out that ivory tower thing is pretty fucking lonely when everyone hates you but you were deluded thinking everyone loved you. I went online and saw the hate pages about me leaving Footloose, abandoning Justin. The rabid portion of his fanbase are evil. Yours and Reecy's tore to me to shreds too, but all warranted. No one out there 'ships' us anymore, but you guys have hoards of them. I got a Masters in Entertainment Management. I figured I could still use my interests but keep the spotlight firmly focuses away from me so my ego doesn't rear its ugly head again like water on a Gremlin." She looked through a few more of the photos and then gave him his phone back. "Wow. You guys really did it. So, any baby plans? Your fans have been on Bump Watch for months now."

Kyan raised his eyebrows. "Wow, that's a big career move. You serving other stars? I can't see it. Sure you're cut out for that? It's still as cutthroat an industry as ever, even if you're not in the spotlight." It felt surreal, strange, to be having his conversation with Autumn, someone he very much believed he would have children with one day. That feeling might stick around for a long time yet. He smirked and licked some residual froth from his lips and set his mug down again. "Yeah, that'll keep them busy for awhile. Reec and I don't want to have kids. At least, not biological and not in the foreseeable future. After the harrowing abortion she went through and losing the twin pregnancy in that awful way, she told me that she didn't think she could emotionally cope with another pregnancy. We've actually applied for adoption. It just might take awhile. We want a baby and one from a crisis background that needs a family to love them. She wants to help a child like Justin."

Autumn nodded, giving him a sheepish smile. "I know, it sounds nuts. But after becoming qualified, I found I really enjoyed the work. I contacted Aiden to see if I could get some sort of work experience with his company, maybe shadow some of his better workers. And he kinda touched on the fact Justin's management's changing. Some pretty serious things have happened and because his care team is adapting to his needs, there might be a need for a manager type of role. Sort of like a personal assistant but managing his day-to-day stuff around his work and schedule. Now, I would never in a million years just assume I'm the person for the job or that he'd even want me working for him after what I did but maybe. Aiden told me for a reason. I just haven't have the chance to follow the lead because Aiden's been on leave." She scratched her arm, and met Kyan's eyes, trying to analyse what he thought of the idea she should touch-base with Mark about working on Justin's team. She expected Kyan to laugh and tell her she was being dumb. Her mouth dropped in surprise. "Wow. That's... so Reecy and you, oh my god. I can so see you doing that too. But I always thought you wanted kids of your own some day? Like, sooner rather than later. You're okay with the adoption route?"

"Work with Justin? Um, just... brace yourself, I'd probably say. In essence, he hasn't changed but he's disclosed a lot more about his past. That's..." Kyan didn't know how to get her to understand this without giving her specifics. Which he wouldn't. What he knew was highly confidential and Mark had explained to them that the less people knew, the easier it would be on Justin. "Actually, I think he probably has changed a lot since you last had much to do with him. He and Sash are a package deal and I don't think the position would be anything like you learned in your studies. His medical care and professional care crosses over, and at the epicentre of that is Sash, who helps him through it all. We kind of get it because we've been there from the start, but there's a huge gap in time you've lost here and a hell of a lot has happened." He laughed and sat back in his chair. "They will be kids of my own. You think I'm the sort of person who needs my sperm to define my kids? I don't. Reec and I were never going to have a traditional marriage. We do us and I love it. I've never been happier."

Autumn laughed and shook her head. "If I'm honest, I don't at all think I'll work with Justin. Even if the idea got through his gatekeepers, I know he'll tell me to go fuck myself when I get to him. But I thought maybe he wouldn't be averted to letting me spend some time with Ari for some work experience or something. I know what I don't want in my new career is to be kow-towing to some apoiled diva cunt like I was. Which would probably be the best punishment in the world to me, but no, I want to learn from the stupid shit I pulled. Justin's complex, which means he's interesting. How he still manages to do what he does, despite being as sick as he is. Before I turned into a self-absorbed bitch, spending time with Jus used to be one of my favourite things. Between him, you, the twins, and meeting Jess, you all gave me the right tools to be a better person and I shat all over that. I'm ready to leave that part of me dead and buried for good." She knew hearing Kyan talk like this was probably creating more of an impact on her than if he just told her Reecy was pregnant. This was so much more deep, special and... them. When they joined forces, there was no way they wouldn't be incredible. "So, it could happen any day, then? It's all in the works?"

"I don't know. Who can ever really pre-empt what Justin will say or do? He's been through a lot recently, Aut. He's different to how you probably remember. Despite all that, I think he might be happier than you've ever really seen him. Content, too. Sasha lives with him and he has loads of friends. They're very close. And protective. But honestly, if there's a chance Justin might want you on his team, then it might be the best of both worlds. You already know him, he has his fingers in a pile of entertainment pies, he knows loads of people, the work's never boring. Would you want to, if there was a chance?" Kyan smirked, pushing his muffin from one side of the plate to the other. His mind wasn't really on eating, to say the least. He was feeling a huge sense of relief settle over him to have some closure. "Well, I think all Justin or your family and friends ever asked from you was presence. I guess if you're swept too far up into yourself, you can be there in body but not present in emotion. "Unlikely to happen extremely soon. More projected a few months, even a couple of years, down the track. The application had to be restarted when we got married and I wanted to co-parent with her. It's not a desperate need for us yet. We've got plenty of time. The show and our charity work keeps us busy."

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"Never thought I'd see your face again."

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