Amarlie-Rose Satori (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
innocenteyes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-09-08 04:05 pm
innocenteyes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-09-08 04:05 pm
"Oh, my sister, nothing can come between us."
Who: Amarlie-Rose Satori and Justin Campbell
What: Brother-Sister Catch-Ups
Where: Vermont Lakehouse
When: After this
Amarlie tiptoed up the hall towards the main bedroom where Justin and Sasha were staying. There were three larger rooms on the main floor with en-suites which rightfully went to Justin and Sasha, Zeke and Will, and Fin and Shannon, because they had the most incapacity with getting up and down steps. She didn’t want to make too much noise in case Justin was asleep and was going to retreat until another time if there was no answer to her knock at their door. But when she got to their room, the last at the end of the hall, the door was slightly ajar and she thought maybe they had gone out. She knocked softly and stuck her head around the door.
Justin was sitting on the bed with a notebook open in his lap. When he heard the knock and saw Amarlie heard pop around the door, he held his hand up and then put his finger to his lips. Sasha was in the bed beside him beneath the covers and finally getting some sleep. Sasha hadn’t been getting much lately, so he didn’t want him woken. He was such a light sleeper, he didn’t think he could pull of even having a hushed chat so he gestured for Amarlie to give him two minutes. After a couple of minutes, he opened the door again and took his sister’s hand, leading her through the bedroom and out onto the veranda connected to their room. It was big enough to have a little outdoor table and chairs. Even though they could see part of the pool from here, it was pretty private.
Amarlie wasn’t sure what was happening at first, until Justin came back out to herr in pyjama pants and tank top. She didn’t say anything until they were outside and the door was closed. She knew Sash had been stressed and not sleeping well, but other than that, she didn’t know much. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to Justin, which is why she was here now. “Hang on, were you two naked? Have you and Sash been…? Justin, you’re not supposed to so soon after your operation!”
“Okay, Mom,” Justin said with pointed exaggeration, rolling his eyes. “You can take your judgy pants off now you got that out of your system. It’s not what it looks like. We didn’t do what you think we did. Just sort of. He’s not doing so well here. Worrying about me and my stuff, being here for the first time without Andi. He hasn’t been sleeping and we just needed some time alone together to do whatever we needed to do. Reconnect, be intimate. That’s what we needed and he fell asleep pretty much straight away. I’m okay. It was nothing strenuous. Honestly, we both needed it. It’s been a really long time and… it was a tough morning.”
Amarlie held her hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I won’t be a pain in the ass and get up in your face. You’re a big boy. How are you healing up, though? I don’t even know specifically how they opened you up, just that they did.” She leaned over and carefully tugged up hem of his tank top. The fabric was soft but the top was pretty form-fitting and she couldn’t see any dressings underneath it. “The times I came up to visit you, you were crashed out on meds. Your dad didn’t want an overwhelming wave of visitors. They were monitoring you to see how you coped after the surgery.”
She nodded, smiling. She reached over and took his hand, settling in to playing with his engagement ring and twisting it softly around his finger. “I’m not judging, I promise. Just making sure you’re okay. That you both are. I don’t think he’s even been eating much, has he? I think it’s done you some good. You’ve got a little more colour in your cheeks.”
Justin pulled his shirt up so she could see the incision up the middle of his abdomen that still looked red with some lintering yellowed bruising around the edge of it. “It’s sealed. They took the stitches out before they let me go. Then there’s the other keyhole incisions around the side and across the bottom. It was supposed to be keyhole surgery but once they were in there, there were complications.”
He nudged the waist of his pyjama pants down so she could see how much he had been a pin cushion. “It’s okay, though. It’s healing pretty well. The little ones will barely leave scars, apparently. The bigger scar will likely need to be covered with makeup for the warehouse scene at work. It could’ve been worse. If they didn’t get to it when they did, I could’ve ended up with the same sort of op as Zeke’s had. It’s still sore, though. At least I can go to the bathroom without the agony now, though.” He tugged his lips to the side in a wry smirk.
“The non-glamorous side of being a superstar, huh? Your fans don’t realise you have things like bowels and need to go to the bathroom sometimes,” Amarlie said with a smirk of her own. She was examining the wounds, touching her fingers lightly to the skin so she didn’t hurt him where he was still tender. “But just humour me for two seconds? Are you sure you should’ve been doing… stuff? This still looks really tender and sore, so it must still be healing inside too.”
Justin rubbed at his nose, face scrunched up with a long-suffering moan. “I have hands and a mouth, okay? You’ve got to remember Sash has Ace-psyche. If he’s feeling stressed and emotional, sex isn’t a default for him. Not even for distraction. And… we just needed to remember the intimacy with the person we love. You don’t have to worry. No one was throwing anyone on beds and having marathon fuck sessions. I… um... “
He took a deep breath and hooked his finger around the gold chain around his neck, a gift from Sasha for Christmas. “My minds blurring lines between what is real and what… happened in my past. Sometimes, I just need to feel the guy I love close to me, feel him touching me and holding me. And sometimes, Sash needs that too, for other reasons. I wasn’t ignoring medical advice or anything. The medical advice was actually to get plenty of rest but do what I feel up to and don’t overdo anything. Mentally and physically. You don’t need to worry, he’s taking good care of me.”
“I know, little bro. I have absolutely no doubts in Sasha’s ability to care for you, or you to both figure this crazy scary world together, the best way for you. After seeing you hurt so much, I just worry. What happened this morning? You said it was tough. I don’t want you think you can’t talk to me, Jus. Even after everything and it probably feels like you’re disconnected from us all. I haven’t been through exactly what you’ve been through, but I have been through sexual assault. I know a little of how it feels. You don’t have to talk to me about that, though. Or anything important. I just miss you, that’s all.” Amarlie resumed holding his hand and relaxed down into the seat, glad this place was so peaceful, helping Justin get a breather from the hell he had been in.
“I know, Mars. And I will. You know how you get on one of the biggest, craziest rollercoasters that throw you all about and kind of scrambles your mind for a bit. That’s a little bit how I feel. I just need to catch up with reality and find my feet again. Sash and I both do. Everything hitting at once has stirred Sash’s anxiety up. I know it’s probably easy to forget he has struggled with mental health too. And honestly, he hasn’t shared a lot of the true extent of it with the tribe. When I woke up this morning, I found him in the bathroom after he’d been making himself sick. I can’t remember the last time he needed to do that. We went to sit on the pier to watch the sunrise and I gave him a present. It was hard for him and then he asked me about some even more difficult things. There’s just a lot in our heads right now.” It was hard enough knowing Sasha got sick with his migraines which were usually stress-related, but this meant he couldn’t find any other tactic to combat the knot of anxiety inside.
He squinting against the bright sunlight filtering through the treetops. He didn’t want to rehash the specifics with his sister. Not because he didn’t want to share, but because it was crippling for him to talk about in general. “It’s so hard for me to process how much pain I cause him. He puts up with so much of my shit and he doesn’t deserve it. We’re a team, though. He keeps reminding me of that. A lot of this stuff, I didn’t even bring to the relationship when we started dating because I didn’t have recollection of it. So, he’s been blindsided in the worst way. He doesn’t eat much when his anxiety is bad. He said he has this cold heavy knot-like feeling in his guts and can’t stomach food.”
Amarlie shook her head in sympathy and softly squeezed Justin’s hand, a simple gesture of love and support. They all wished they could do more to help Justin and Sasha through this horrible stuff, but there was little more they could offer than just being there for them. They all heard the horrific and distressing nightmare Justin had. She had broken down in tears back in the room she was sharing with Keegan, Cas and Tori (they had an arrangement if either couple wanted “alone time”, the other would make themselves conveniently scarce). She didn’t think it was something she should raise directly with Justin just now because she didn’t know how much of it he remembered. What they all learned that night was that Justin’s sexual abuse as a child started much younger than he originally revealed and it was more than one person who did it to him. They also learned, albeit in a disconnected way, some of the things that were done to him.
She watched him now, unable to fathom how he survived it and could see be the amazing person he was. Even if he didn’t think he was strong, she was the strongest person she’d ever met. “This place must have so many memories of Andi for him. Who can really blame him for feeling sick with it all? But he will shoulder your stuff forever, Jus. That’s what love is. Maybe he didn’t know these specifics but he wasn’t blindsided coming into falling in love with you. He knew you were broken and a survivor.”
Justin nodded but he still wasn’t quite sure how Sasha felt about owning this place. He had been understandably shocked, but it would take some processing before he knew exactly how he wanted to go ahead with it. There was no rush and if he decided it would be too much for his grief, that was okay. Justin just wanted him to have the option. But that was something between him and Sasha for now, until Sash figured it out either way. “We just have to take it a step at a time. I’m still recovering and some days, it’s all still really overwhelming. We just need time. How are things with you and Keegan? It feels like forever since we last talked. Are you making plans for when the baby comes?”
Amarlie chewed on her lip and then met his gaze. “Jus, there’s something I need to tell you. I… I had a miscarriage. With everything that happened to you, how sick you were and seeing you on Ice that night, I think it was so much stress when I was already ultra-stressing about being pregnant in the first place. Stressed about how it would impact my career, impact Keegan’s, all the things I’d need to give up that I’ve worked so hard for if I kept it. And then you told Sash that you were going to kill yourself if you didn’t get help, and it was the same morning. But it wasn’t your fault. I don’t think I was going to keep it anyway. I kept having complications. Keegan was with me. He’s taken such good care of me. It just wasn’t meant to be.”
Justin’s mouth dropped open and he looked down at Amarlie’s stomach. She was wearing a loose top. He felt like he should’ve noticed, but Amarlie hadn’t been showing at all when he last remembered specifically taking notice. He remembered that. He was already sick at that point, and had visited his mother in prison, so his recollections were sketchy. He had been on autopilot on and off. “I’m sorry, Mars. Even if you didn’t know what you wanted to do, it was still a person growing inside you. You were considering the option. Was it bad? I just… I remember when Reecy…”
It seemed like so long ago now. Reecy lost both her twins quite far along and it had been a terrible miscarriage. Many complications. “I know all what happened with me had to have been traumatic and I… I never mean to hurt anyone with it. I don’t remember much about that morning. Suicidal makes your thoughts feel and sound different to normal. Loud and suffocating. I’ve been really messed up. Worse than I thought I would ever be again. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when it happened. Are you guys okay?”
Amarlie wrapped both her hands around Justin’s with an emphatic shake of her head. “No, this isn’t your fault, Jus. You didn’t cause it. No matter how sick you were. And even then, you didn’t cause yourself to be sick. If you had been well, you would’ve been there. I promise you that. You would’ve been one of the first people I called. It wasn’t bad. Just some bleeding and pain, but nothing more than general monthly things. Once it had all happened, I was relieved. Especially when Gen told me just how sick you were. I felt like I was lucky, all things considered. People have made the same mistakes as me and had it way worse. Keegan and I have talked about it a lot since it happened. That’s helped. I talked to the boys too. They’ve been great. They were kind of stepping into the brotherly role until you were able to pick the baton back up. Gen was with me too. I went to her when I first found the bleeding and she didn’t even know I was pregnant. I never got the guts to tell her. I was always scared and I don’t even know why. I think maybe because I was the product of her similar mistake. Even with everything that happened, all I wanted to do was see you and I couldn’t. They wouldn’t let me. Your dad said how sick you were and that it was a lot more severe than just a relapse of your bipolar. I was more worried about that than anything else. Keegan’s decided to still stay, though. He starts his new course here in a few weeks.”
Justin offered a small sympathetic smile. “I was just getting used to thinking of being an uncle. I’ll just have to make up for it with plenty more time brothering, huh? Fuck, I get worried about Sunshine. What she thinks or if she’ll ever cop shit for being my little sister. Life’s just… a complete fucking rollercoaster. That’s not even a contrived analogy. It’s literal for me. I really wish I could’ve been there to help someway. Is Keegan doing the right thing? He’s not turned into an arsehole while I’ve been off in mental land? I should spend some time with him to get to know him. Alec told me that I’m part of the reason he wants to get into mental health nursing. I feel like I should apologise to him for that. Do you want to talk about it? I’m here now, even if it’s belated. Mom probably would’ve needed some intensive therapy to adjust to being a grandma anyway,” he said with a laugh and turned stiffly to peer in through the window to make sure Sasha was still sleeping. He hadn’t moved, complete with one foot hanging out the bottom of the covers.
Once he was satisfied Sasha was still okay, he settled back in the seat and put his feet up on a nearby planter to get a more comfortable spot. “You would’ve been a good mom, you know. You’re so much like Mom, but I know you don’t see it. If she kept you, she would’ve been a good mom too. I guess it’s sort of a sink or swim thing. You probably would’ve thought you wouldn’t have been any good at it, just like Mom did all those years ago, but I don’t think there’s such a thing as being a bad parent if you love and care for your kid as best you can.”
Amarlie had been thinking that. A lot. Until she was reminded what an actual horrible mother was like in the cunt who gave birth to Justin. And she didn’t even know the full story. She thought she could connect some of the dots even more now she had hear Justin’s terrified screaming in the middle of the nightmare the other night, but even then, she was sure there was even more horrible dimensions to it. She didn’t want to think about it, and Mark had sat them all down before Justin was discharged from hospital and confirmed it was way worse than anyone had initially thought, but James had taken over investigating it. Which said a lot in itself. James was Special-Agent-in-Charge of a crimes against children unit. Mark said he knew how hard it was for everyone, wanting to know what Justin had been through, wanting to help, but it had gone so far beyond that years ago. Now, the best they could do was be there for him, listen when he wanted to talk, love him, remind him as much as he needed to hear it. But he said it was unlikely Justin was disclose anything to any of them. So far, his MO for disclosure seemed to be isolated to mostly Sasha and Mark, and one isolated incident of going to Clint for something. Mark didn’t say what. They had to try to process and deal separate from Justin if they could, because he didn’t have the strength to shoulder the guilt of thinking any of this was hurting his family.
She smiled at him. “You don’t realise how incredible your brothering is, bitch. She doesn’t cop shit for being your little sister, Jus. She adores you. She’s so proud of you. No one is ever going to give that little girl shit for her big brother being sick. She’s protected and she always will be. She thinks you’re sick, okay? She understands more than you realise, even if she doesn’t have to be given all the details because she’s too young. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have empathy. When she had her days with your dad while you were in hospital, she was doing paintings and drawings for you, or writing you letters. Taking care of Dory, giving Sash hugs. Just slow down a bit, okay? Your brain’s going a mile a minute here. You don’t have to tackle everything all at once just because you’re not in hospital anymore. You don’t just walk out the doors and are miraculously better. Think of this place as Hospital v3.0. You’re still recovering. Keegan hasn’t turned into an asshole. He’s pretty incredible. We haven’t really had the chance to think about the official dating thing, but he said we could try here. Spend time together. Now that we don’t have to stress about being pregnant. I’m actually pretty nervous that he’s staying because I really want it to work out. Got any pointers? About rocking a relationship, Mr He Put a Ring On It?”
“She was giving him hugs?” Justin got teary at that but he was lucky the medication was starting to work how it should and he could maintain his composure. He smiled, twirling his ring around his finger thinking about it. He didn’t have any doubt about the fact Jamie would be doing her bit to take care of Sasha and Dory and his absence. He was a born care-taker and would no doubt growing up doing some incredible job like being a doctor in overseas missions or something. Though, he secretly didn’t hope so because he would miss her like crazy. He slowed when Amarlie gently warned him too. It had been so long since he spent one-on-one time with her that he was trying to squash it all in together, like he had to make up for lost time.
“At least my relationship is the one part of my life not fucked. A lot of that’s down to him, though. My shit should’ve broken him. I’m not even saying that. It should’ve. It broke Will and no matter how hurt and upset I was about that, he didn’t have to just be okay with it. All he had to do was talk to me about it and we could’ve ended peacefully. I would never have asked him to stick with it. But Sash… I never have to ask. I never even have to know I need to ask because he is already just there. These moments, where I can take care of him in return, they mean everything to me. Not that I would wish ill-will on him, but he’s not always okay himself. He struggles and it means a lot to me that he is open with me about that. That’d be the pointer I’d give anyone. Be there and be honest, even if it hurts. Take care of each other. But still laugh and enjoy each other where you can. Things aren’t easy for Sash and me. At all. But we still laugh. Even on my bad days, we have a bit of a laugh. And enjoying each other? It doesn’t have to look like how anyone else does it. It probably won’t. You make those rules together. I reserve the right to kick his arse if he doesn’t treat you right, by the way. Brother Prerogative.” He gave her a smirk, feeling a sense of relief to be back in a place he could have a joke with his sister.
Amarlie took his hand again to holding, wanting to cherish the closeness they had regrounding after everything. “Yep, she was. He wasn’t home a lot while you were in hospital, obviously. He was either with you or staying with his folks, which is exactly how it should’ve been. But there was a handful of times he came back to get clothes or pick some things up for you and stayed the night because he was too tired to make the round trip. We were at the dinner table one night and she told everyone that because Sash didn’t have any brothers or sisters that he was her big brother now too, and that was the law because you guys were getting married. She said she knew from the mistletoe kiss that Sash was going to marry you. Then she gave Sash this t-shirt that said Awesome Big Brother on it and he just started crying. I think he was exhausted but it probably helped a lot after all the stress he’d been under. She gave him a hug and said he could have her cupcake. I’ll tell you what, baby bro, your dad makes amazing babies.”
She probably only had him so long before he tired out again. “Is it stupid that I’m worried he might change his mind now there’s no baby? He tried to do the right thing and I adore him for it. That doesn’t mean we were meant to be, though, you know? Like, you and Sash, soul mates and all.”
Justin smiled to himself hearing the story of Sash and Jamie. It choked him up and he couldn’t reply straight away. He enjoyed hearing it, hearing that Jamie was trying to take care of Sash in his absence. He knew, as simple as it all was, that would’ve helped Sash. “Mars, it’s not stupid that you’re worrying about that. If there’s one thing who knows that sort of stuff, it’s me. But you wanna know something? Soul mates is a bullshit concept on its own. I do think some people are destined to meet and be together. How could I not, considering our story? It’s only the start, though. After that, you still have to work on the relationship and learn each other. If you’re worrying about that, you need to talk to him. Like I said before, you have to keep talking and figure it out together. That’s the only way it’ll work. This place is perfect for it, too. Go for a bushwalk or have a picnic by the lake. Tori said there’s some great places to go for drives around here too. Take the time to be open and heal together. Ask him if it was only for the baby and give him a chance to open up to you about he feels too. Sash’s mom was pregnant when his dad had the accident. The shock of it caused her to have a miscarriage and she got an infection because of it. It scarred her tubes and she could never get pregnant again. You know the sad part? Even with his dad being left quadriplegic, they still could’ve gotten his sperm and did the IVF thing. They just don’t talk about it, because people immediately assume Sash is an only child because his dad is infertile from the accident. He’s been trying to write about it for his book…”
He bit his lip and watched some birds settle on the grass looking for worms. “Uncle Alec thinks it might help if I considered writing about my own life. Not doing the actual writing. I don’t have the time or the focus to do that. It could probably help some people and it could help unclog the mess in my head. I thought I could ask Will. Do you think that’s nuts? Uncle Alec suggested Sash at first, but he doesn’t feel a natural pull to writing and he’s going for pre-med, Ivy League no less. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve talked to him about it. We talked a lot while I was in hospital. He’ll support me either way. I don’t even know if I could do it. I just feel like I should consider it. I’ve had publishing executives approach me about it before, but I flat turned it down. A lot’s changed now, though.”
Amarlie’s heart went out to Sasha’s parents hearing this. She had no idea. She always just assumed Sash was an only child by choice. “Fuck, imagine having a baby, though, and not even being able to hold them in your arms. Sash has said a few times how hard it is for his dad to not be able to hug him. It was the first thing he grieved after the accident. Losing a baby and nearly losing your husband all in one go, and Sash stopped talking for awhile, didn’t he? That breaks my heart. You’re right, though. Keegan and I need to talk and have time together. I’ve been overthinking it all. I mean, he’s here, right? He came. He’s not on a plane back to Australia, he’s transferred here. There might even be a chance Kade stays too.”
Justin’s next bombshell shocked her and at first, she didn’t know exactly what she should say. “Well, I… I think your story would help many more than a few people. I think putting your truth in writing would be a powerful thing. What you’ve survived, at least what you want known, and everything you’ve achieved. But… holy shit, Jus. Are you sure? That must mean you really do trust him after everything. I don’t think it’s nuts, no, but wow…”
“Will could’ve made a lot of money spilling undisclosed information about my life. It’s not him, though. Things might’ve gone to shit with us, but he’s not a bad person and he would never purposefully do anything to harm me. He knows a lot of it already. I was dating him when I got the role, when I was diagnosed with bipolar, when I was suicidal… a lot of things. He’s an amazing writer, he’s been doing it his whole life. I could trust him to tell the right story, you know? I’d need it written in a certain way, to make sure it’s understood how I need it to be understood. There’s a lot he would still have to learn too, though, so I’m not sure. I’m confused and tired. I’d be glad if it could help people and it could help for charity fundraisers. I just don’t know what will happen in my head if I start to, like, bleed it all out of me. My head’s a really fucked up place. Even worse now.” Justin rubbed his forehead, scrunching up his nose and tugging his lips to the side. It felt like it took physical exertion thinking about this stuff. But since the ketamine infusion, he was conscious of the fact he felt less unstable. Things were a little more in equilibrium, even if a lot of the shit clawed back at him through his subconscious when he was sleeping.
There had been a small handful of times flashbacks had hit him when he was awake, too. Usually when he was in a hazy state, like taking a shower and blanking out or if certain smells or sounds triggered the bad memories. According to Sasha and Hunter, though, it was easy to tell when it was happening to know to try to ground him and get him through it. He hoped it didn’t happen while they were here. “Keegan wouldn’t still be here, Mars. Not if the only reason he was here was the baby and the baby’s gone now. He wouldn’t have moved countries, changed his career course. Not if he wasn’t sure. Nurture it, though. You really have to or you’ll lose it. Give him a chance to open up to you. He might feel like he can’t, that it might upset you about the miscarriage if he does. I know that stuff because Sash used to feel it with me and I used to feel it with him about losing Andi. It’s never good to let it stew.”
Amarlie hugged his other hand and rubbed his fingers. “Maybe bleeding it all out of you is exactly what you need now memories you forgot you had have come back. I don’t know what they are, but I know enough to know they’re horrible and you nearly didn’t survive it this time. But there’s so much more to you, Jus, than the bad things that happened to you. There are so many incredible things that have brought you to here. You could fill ten books and not touch on these things that are hitting you so hard now. Then again, maybe you might get to it and want to talk about it. The thing about it being your book is that it would be your’s. You make the rules and I don’t know Will very well, but I don’t think he would want to do more than simply help you tell whatever story you’re able. What does Sash think about it? And your dad? I know Alec wouldn’t have suggested it if he didn’t truly feel it could be therapeutic for you.”
Still, Justin was anxious about it and understandably so. She was his big sister, even if not by blood and only by a couple of years, it was her job to be there for him and help however she could. “You would’ve been a fantastic uncle, Jus. And you still will be when I have a baby in the future. You and Sash both will. My kids will have the most amazing uncles ever in the whole world.”
“You and our future nieces or nephews, Sunshine being our future bridesmaid with Dory as Flower Girl. I’m starting to think you lot are rushing us up the aisle,” Justin joked, giving her a knowing smirk. It lightened the mood a little, something he sensed they both needed. He and Sasha had no plans for getting married any time soon, even if they took the step to get engaged. That made Justin feel safe and happy, which is all he needed. They had talked about it while he was in hospital, though. One of the days Justin was feeling more stable and calm. Sasha asked him if, after everything, he wanted to change their goal of getting married later down the track. Nothing was set in stone and a lot had changed with Justin’s mindset with the latest relapse and memories of his horrible past returning. They were both on the same page still wanting to do it when they were a bit older, at least twenty-one for both of them, and possibly even when Sasha finished his pre-med degree. They indulged in fantasising about what they might potentially like for their wedding. Australia was inevitable. Near the beach. But only with their closest friends and family. Private and absolutely no press allowed, beyond those who worked for his mom and Uncle Paris, who would get any exclusive to stories. If they wanted to make it public.
They still hadn’t officially even announced their engagement to the public. People just assumed because he chose not to hide his ring and it was so much more peaceful that way. Fans had asked but dodged out of the subject with the ease of someone with a lot of secrets who was now well-trained and experienced in interacting with fans. “Dad actually thinks it could be quite cathartic for me to reconnect with Will in a different way. It would also mean Will already has access to information that might be triggering for me to rehash over and over. I just don’t know if I would want to… to put the sexual… stuff in there. I’ve got a new attorney and I’ll be getting a new manager. Dad’s pissed I was accessed like that and producers are trying to get in my head to turn me to acting in films or TV shows. Things’ll just need managed different now. Not just with me, but Sash, and both of us as a unit. The charity work not included, of course, but on a whole, I need to be taken care of and protected. At least for the foreseeable future. I just want to work, do charity, be in love, and… try to get better. Which won’t happen unless they dial things right back and they block a lot of the excess shit getting in my head.”
“Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’d love to be your bridesmaid and bawl my eyes out seeing you marry Sash but we can be patient. I know you two. You’re happy and content being engaged for now. My mom always said things like people rush into marriage too soon these days and don’t take the time to cherish the beauty of being engaged and growing together. She said some of her best memories are when she was engaged. I can see exactly what she means in you and Sash. When we visited you in hospital, he would be there with you without fail. It didn’t matter if he was just sitting watching TV with you or listening to music while you slept. He was more content being there than not while you weren’t well. There was only one time he wasn’t there with you when I visited and he had a migraine. He had to go home because the hospitals lights were making him sick. One day, I want what you have, baby bro. You make it look really good. Even through your bad days.” Amarlie listened as Justin’s voice lowered in that way it always did when he was deep in thought. For all the power he had in his singing voice and charismatic stage presence, he was actually really calm and softly spoken at his most raw. A lot like Sash was. They matched each other so well.
She patted his hand, grateful he trusted her enough to open up to her like this. “You don’t want to do TV or movies? Now that you mention it, it’s the first I’ve ever heard you say anything but theatre acting. Not surprised they’re trying to poach you. You’d rake it in for them. You know, working with Will it means you can set your own goal posts however you need. You can always try opening up about some of that stuff and if you change your mind about wanting it in the book, he can take it out again. He’s loved you, Jus. He’s been intimate with you and even if it went to shit, he took care of you while you were sick for awhile. He won’t mind if you need to take it each day as it comes, like everything else. Honestly, that’s starting to feel like the best way to deal with life, even without a serious illness like you have. Things seems easier to process a day at a time.”
Justin smiled with a fond shake of his head. “I promise, when the time comes, you can all help us with the plans and make all the decisions that I’m pretty sure I won’t want a bar of and Sash is so easygoing, he be bothered with any of those sorts of details. But we’re not there yet. We like being engaged. It’s easy and nice. It’s given me a lot of strength. We’re young and all that shit, so waiting makes sense. We’ve got no reason to rush to getting married. Besides, Andi’s death is still so, so fresh for him and I think it will be for a long time. It would upset him doing something massive in life like getting married and she won’t be there with him. Being here now where there are so many memories is hard enough. It’s why he’s only been back to Boston a couple of times since her funeral. Just too hard.”
He tipped his head to the side, scrunching his nose up. “Not even a little bit. Live theatre is… it’s… fuck.” He didn’t know how to explain it. He paused, giving it some deeper thought. “A lifeline? It’s immediate. The audience is right there and I can feel their excitement and enjoyment. I love the idea how witnessing audience members engage in your art. I like looking out at their faces during curtain call, knowing we’re doing something they enjoy. It’s why the lighting guys always lift the lights after the call. I want to see that stuff. Same as I usually love doing Stage Door, getting to meet them. Sometimes, it freaks me the fuck out but that’s not because I dislike them, it just overwhelms me when I’m sick. The crowds are claustrophobic and noisy. I don’t like being touched when I’m sick. It triggers shit in my head. Besides, my strongest skill is singing and dancing. Unless it’s a musical on the screen, that’s not at the heart of TV and movie acting. Money is. Fuck knows how I’m supposed to help someone write a book about my life when I can’t even put so many of my thoughts into words. My thoughts don’t always come in a rational way. I know what I feel, I just can’t always explain it to other people. Broadway and Bipolar. It seems like a fucking oxymoron some days…”
Amarlie’s face lit up in a smile. “Or the perfect name for an autobiography. Jus, the very fact you’re mentally ill means you’re probably going battle with yourself on this over and over until you can get it to make more sense. But maybe that’s the reason why Will would be perfect for this job. He knows that is how you function and understands why. So, you guys weren’t meant to be romantically. That doesn’t mean the end. You’ve forgiven him, you support him with Zeke, you’re not holding any grudges towards him, you’ve spent a lot of time talking everything through with him on and off. It could be a way to help him launch his career as a professional author and gives you the safe place to do this.”
She squeezed his hand. “You look tired, Jus. I think you’re hitting a wall again. Go back in to Sash and snooze for bit.” She stood to help him up and then gave him a gentle cuddle, kissing his cheek. “I love you, little bro. I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve survived and can still be a beautiful person. I just want you to know that if you’d been well, you would probably have been the first person I ran to with the miscarriage. Do you know we actually thought about naming the baby Ren if we had a boy?” She laughed and ruffled his hair.
“Well, now I’m totally going to hold you to that when you have a son in the future,” Justin joked back as he stood, feeling the heavy fatigue settling in over his body again. He didn’t realise how much he externally exhibited how he was feeling. His sister knew him well enough to spot the signs. Everything that took mental exertion, even just trying to sort through his thoughts, physically exhausted him. He had to take it in small waves at the moment and that would be how it was as long as it took for him to recover from this ordeal. “I love you right back. Thanks for listening to my brain-jumble. It’s a crazy mess right now.”
“I know. But it’ll get better, no matter how long it takes. Give that man of yours a cuddle for me.” Amarlie dropped her voice when she opened the door for him so she didn’t wake Sash, who was still out like a light, one hand tucked under his cheek and the other resting on the empty space Justin had vacated beside him. “Give me a shout if you need help, Jus. With anything. That goes for both of you.” She kissed patted his cheek affectionately and gave him another quick peck there before tiptoeing out of their room to give Justin the space he needed to get some rest.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Brother-Sister Catch-Ups
Where: Vermont Lakehouse
When: After this
Amarlie tiptoed up the hall towards the main bedroom where Justin and Sasha were staying. There were three larger rooms on the main floor with en-suites which rightfully went to Justin and Sasha, Zeke and Will, and Fin and Shannon, because they had the most incapacity with getting up and down steps. She didn’t want to make too much noise in case Justin was asleep and was going to retreat until another time if there was no answer to her knock at their door. But when she got to their room, the last at the end of the hall, the door was slightly ajar and she thought maybe they had gone out. She knocked softly and stuck her head around the door.
Justin was sitting on the bed with a notebook open in his lap. When he heard the knock and saw Amarlie heard pop around the door, he held his hand up and then put his finger to his lips. Sasha was in the bed beside him beneath the covers and finally getting some sleep. Sasha hadn’t been getting much lately, so he didn’t want him woken. He was such a light sleeper, he didn’t think he could pull of even having a hushed chat so he gestured for Amarlie to give him two minutes. After a couple of minutes, he opened the door again and took his sister’s hand, leading her through the bedroom and out onto the veranda connected to their room. It was big enough to have a little outdoor table and chairs. Even though they could see part of the pool from here, it was pretty private.
Amarlie wasn’t sure what was happening at first, until Justin came back out to herr in pyjama pants and tank top. She didn’t say anything until they were outside and the door was closed. She knew Sash had been stressed and not sleeping well, but other than that, she didn’t know much. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to Justin, which is why she was here now. “Hang on, were you two naked? Have you and Sash been…? Justin, you’re not supposed to so soon after your operation!”
“Okay, Mom,” Justin said with pointed exaggeration, rolling his eyes. “You can take your judgy pants off now you got that out of your system. It’s not what it looks like. We didn’t do what you think we did. Just sort of. He’s not doing so well here. Worrying about me and my stuff, being here for the first time without Andi. He hasn’t been sleeping and we just needed some time alone together to do whatever we needed to do. Reconnect, be intimate. That’s what we needed and he fell asleep pretty much straight away. I’m okay. It was nothing strenuous. Honestly, we both needed it. It’s been a really long time and… it was a tough morning.”
Amarlie held her hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I won’t be a pain in the ass and get up in your face. You’re a big boy. How are you healing up, though? I don’t even know specifically how they opened you up, just that they did.” She leaned over and carefully tugged up hem of his tank top. The fabric was soft but the top was pretty form-fitting and she couldn’t see any dressings underneath it. “The times I came up to visit you, you were crashed out on meds. Your dad didn’t want an overwhelming wave of visitors. They were monitoring you to see how you coped after the surgery.”
She nodded, smiling. She reached over and took his hand, settling in to playing with his engagement ring and twisting it softly around his finger. “I’m not judging, I promise. Just making sure you’re okay. That you both are. I don’t think he’s even been eating much, has he? I think it’s done you some good. You’ve got a little more colour in your cheeks.”
Justin pulled his shirt up so she could see the incision up the middle of his abdomen that still looked red with some lintering yellowed bruising around the edge of it. “It’s sealed. They took the stitches out before they let me go. Then there’s the other keyhole incisions around the side and across the bottom. It was supposed to be keyhole surgery but once they were in there, there were complications.”
He nudged the waist of his pyjama pants down so she could see how much he had been a pin cushion. “It’s okay, though. It’s healing pretty well. The little ones will barely leave scars, apparently. The bigger scar will likely need to be covered with makeup for the warehouse scene at work. It could’ve been worse. If they didn’t get to it when they did, I could’ve ended up with the same sort of op as Zeke’s had. It’s still sore, though. At least I can go to the bathroom without the agony now, though.” He tugged his lips to the side in a wry smirk.
“The non-glamorous side of being a superstar, huh? Your fans don’t realise you have things like bowels and need to go to the bathroom sometimes,” Amarlie said with a smirk of her own. She was examining the wounds, touching her fingers lightly to the skin so she didn’t hurt him where he was still tender. “But just humour me for two seconds? Are you sure you should’ve been doing… stuff? This still looks really tender and sore, so it must still be healing inside too.”
Justin rubbed at his nose, face scrunched up with a long-suffering moan. “I have hands and a mouth, okay? You’ve got to remember Sash has Ace-psyche. If he’s feeling stressed and emotional, sex isn’t a default for him. Not even for distraction. And… we just needed to remember the intimacy with the person we love. You don’t have to worry. No one was throwing anyone on beds and having marathon fuck sessions. I… um... “
He took a deep breath and hooked his finger around the gold chain around his neck, a gift from Sasha for Christmas. “My minds blurring lines between what is real and what… happened in my past. Sometimes, I just need to feel the guy I love close to me, feel him touching me and holding me. And sometimes, Sash needs that too, for other reasons. I wasn’t ignoring medical advice or anything. The medical advice was actually to get plenty of rest but do what I feel up to and don’t overdo anything. Mentally and physically. You don’t need to worry, he’s taking good care of me.”
“I know, little bro. I have absolutely no doubts in Sasha’s ability to care for you, or you to both figure this crazy scary world together, the best way for you. After seeing you hurt so much, I just worry. What happened this morning? You said it was tough. I don’t want you think you can’t talk to me, Jus. Even after everything and it probably feels like you’re disconnected from us all. I haven’t been through exactly what you’ve been through, but I have been through sexual assault. I know a little of how it feels. You don’t have to talk to me about that, though. Or anything important. I just miss you, that’s all.” Amarlie resumed holding his hand and relaxed down into the seat, glad this place was so peaceful, helping Justin get a breather from the hell he had been in.
“I know, Mars. And I will. You know how you get on one of the biggest, craziest rollercoasters that throw you all about and kind of scrambles your mind for a bit. That’s a little bit how I feel. I just need to catch up with reality and find my feet again. Sash and I both do. Everything hitting at once has stirred Sash’s anxiety up. I know it’s probably easy to forget he has struggled with mental health too. And honestly, he hasn’t shared a lot of the true extent of it with the tribe. When I woke up this morning, I found him in the bathroom after he’d been making himself sick. I can’t remember the last time he needed to do that. We went to sit on the pier to watch the sunrise and I gave him a present. It was hard for him and then he asked me about some even more difficult things. There’s just a lot in our heads right now.” It was hard enough knowing Sasha got sick with his migraines which were usually stress-related, but this meant he couldn’t find any other tactic to combat the knot of anxiety inside.
He squinting against the bright sunlight filtering through the treetops. He didn’t want to rehash the specifics with his sister. Not because he didn’t want to share, but because it was crippling for him to talk about in general. “It’s so hard for me to process how much pain I cause him. He puts up with so much of my shit and he doesn’t deserve it. We’re a team, though. He keeps reminding me of that. A lot of this stuff, I didn’t even bring to the relationship when we started dating because I didn’t have recollection of it. So, he’s been blindsided in the worst way. He doesn’t eat much when his anxiety is bad. He said he has this cold heavy knot-like feeling in his guts and can’t stomach food.”
Amarlie shook her head in sympathy and softly squeezed Justin’s hand, a simple gesture of love and support. They all wished they could do more to help Justin and Sasha through this horrible stuff, but there was little more they could offer than just being there for them. They all heard the horrific and distressing nightmare Justin had. She had broken down in tears back in the room she was sharing with Keegan, Cas and Tori (they had an arrangement if either couple wanted “alone time”, the other would make themselves conveniently scarce). She didn’t think it was something she should raise directly with Justin just now because she didn’t know how much of it he remembered. What they all learned that night was that Justin’s sexual abuse as a child started much younger than he originally revealed and it was more than one person who did it to him. They also learned, albeit in a disconnected way, some of the things that were done to him.
She watched him now, unable to fathom how he survived it and could see be the amazing person he was. Even if he didn’t think he was strong, she was the strongest person she’d ever met. “This place must have so many memories of Andi for him. Who can really blame him for feeling sick with it all? But he will shoulder your stuff forever, Jus. That’s what love is. Maybe he didn’t know these specifics but he wasn’t blindsided coming into falling in love with you. He knew you were broken and a survivor.”
Justin nodded but he still wasn’t quite sure how Sasha felt about owning this place. He had been understandably shocked, but it would take some processing before he knew exactly how he wanted to go ahead with it. There was no rush and if he decided it would be too much for his grief, that was okay. Justin just wanted him to have the option. But that was something between him and Sasha for now, until Sash figured it out either way. “We just have to take it a step at a time. I’m still recovering and some days, it’s all still really overwhelming. We just need time. How are things with you and Keegan? It feels like forever since we last talked. Are you making plans for when the baby comes?”
Amarlie chewed on her lip and then met his gaze. “Jus, there’s something I need to tell you. I… I had a miscarriage. With everything that happened to you, how sick you were and seeing you on Ice that night, I think it was so much stress when I was already ultra-stressing about being pregnant in the first place. Stressed about how it would impact my career, impact Keegan’s, all the things I’d need to give up that I’ve worked so hard for if I kept it. And then you told Sash that you were going to kill yourself if you didn’t get help, and it was the same morning. But it wasn’t your fault. I don’t think I was going to keep it anyway. I kept having complications. Keegan was with me. He’s taken such good care of me. It just wasn’t meant to be.”
Justin’s mouth dropped open and he looked down at Amarlie’s stomach. She was wearing a loose top. He felt like he should’ve noticed, but Amarlie hadn’t been showing at all when he last remembered specifically taking notice. He remembered that. He was already sick at that point, and had visited his mother in prison, so his recollections were sketchy. He had been on autopilot on and off. “I’m sorry, Mars. Even if you didn’t know what you wanted to do, it was still a person growing inside you. You were considering the option. Was it bad? I just… I remember when Reecy…”
It seemed like so long ago now. Reecy lost both her twins quite far along and it had been a terrible miscarriage. Many complications. “I know all what happened with me had to have been traumatic and I… I never mean to hurt anyone with it. I don’t remember much about that morning. Suicidal makes your thoughts feel and sound different to normal. Loud and suffocating. I’ve been really messed up. Worse than I thought I would ever be again. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when it happened. Are you guys okay?”
Amarlie wrapped both her hands around Justin’s with an emphatic shake of her head. “No, this isn’t your fault, Jus. You didn’t cause it. No matter how sick you were. And even then, you didn’t cause yourself to be sick. If you had been well, you would’ve been there. I promise you that. You would’ve been one of the first people I called. It wasn’t bad. Just some bleeding and pain, but nothing more than general monthly things. Once it had all happened, I was relieved. Especially when Gen told me just how sick you were. I felt like I was lucky, all things considered. People have made the same mistakes as me and had it way worse. Keegan and I have talked about it a lot since it happened. That’s helped. I talked to the boys too. They’ve been great. They were kind of stepping into the brotherly role until you were able to pick the baton back up. Gen was with me too. I went to her when I first found the bleeding and she didn’t even know I was pregnant. I never got the guts to tell her. I was always scared and I don’t even know why. I think maybe because I was the product of her similar mistake. Even with everything that happened, all I wanted to do was see you and I couldn’t. They wouldn’t let me. Your dad said how sick you were and that it was a lot more severe than just a relapse of your bipolar. I was more worried about that than anything else. Keegan’s decided to still stay, though. He starts his new course here in a few weeks.”
Justin offered a small sympathetic smile. “I was just getting used to thinking of being an uncle. I’ll just have to make up for it with plenty more time brothering, huh? Fuck, I get worried about Sunshine. What she thinks or if she’ll ever cop shit for being my little sister. Life’s just… a complete fucking rollercoaster. That’s not even a contrived analogy. It’s literal for me. I really wish I could’ve been there to help someway. Is Keegan doing the right thing? He’s not turned into an arsehole while I’ve been off in mental land? I should spend some time with him to get to know him. Alec told me that I’m part of the reason he wants to get into mental health nursing. I feel like I should apologise to him for that. Do you want to talk about it? I’m here now, even if it’s belated. Mom probably would’ve needed some intensive therapy to adjust to being a grandma anyway,” he said with a laugh and turned stiffly to peer in through the window to make sure Sasha was still sleeping. He hadn’t moved, complete with one foot hanging out the bottom of the covers.
Once he was satisfied Sasha was still okay, he settled back in the seat and put his feet up on a nearby planter to get a more comfortable spot. “You would’ve been a good mom, you know. You’re so much like Mom, but I know you don’t see it. If she kept you, she would’ve been a good mom too. I guess it’s sort of a sink or swim thing. You probably would’ve thought you wouldn’t have been any good at it, just like Mom did all those years ago, but I don’t think there’s such a thing as being a bad parent if you love and care for your kid as best you can.”
Amarlie had been thinking that. A lot. Until she was reminded what an actual horrible mother was like in the cunt who gave birth to Justin. And she didn’t even know the full story. She thought she could connect some of the dots even more now she had hear Justin’s terrified screaming in the middle of the nightmare the other night, but even then, she was sure there was even more horrible dimensions to it. She didn’t want to think about it, and Mark had sat them all down before Justin was discharged from hospital and confirmed it was way worse than anyone had initially thought, but James had taken over investigating it. Which said a lot in itself. James was Special-Agent-in-Charge of a crimes against children unit. Mark said he knew how hard it was for everyone, wanting to know what Justin had been through, wanting to help, but it had gone so far beyond that years ago. Now, the best they could do was be there for him, listen when he wanted to talk, love him, remind him as much as he needed to hear it. But he said it was unlikely Justin was disclose anything to any of them. So far, his MO for disclosure seemed to be isolated to mostly Sasha and Mark, and one isolated incident of going to Clint for something. Mark didn’t say what. They had to try to process and deal separate from Justin if they could, because he didn’t have the strength to shoulder the guilt of thinking any of this was hurting his family.
She smiled at him. “You don’t realise how incredible your brothering is, bitch. She doesn’t cop shit for being your little sister, Jus. She adores you. She’s so proud of you. No one is ever going to give that little girl shit for her big brother being sick. She’s protected and she always will be. She thinks you’re sick, okay? She understands more than you realise, even if she doesn’t have to be given all the details because she’s too young. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have empathy. When she had her days with your dad while you were in hospital, she was doing paintings and drawings for you, or writing you letters. Taking care of Dory, giving Sash hugs. Just slow down a bit, okay? Your brain’s going a mile a minute here. You don’t have to tackle everything all at once just because you’re not in hospital anymore. You don’t just walk out the doors and are miraculously better. Think of this place as Hospital v3.0. You’re still recovering. Keegan hasn’t turned into an asshole. He’s pretty incredible. We haven’t really had the chance to think about the official dating thing, but he said we could try here. Spend time together. Now that we don’t have to stress about being pregnant. I’m actually pretty nervous that he’s staying because I really want it to work out. Got any pointers? About rocking a relationship, Mr He Put a Ring On It?”
“She was giving him hugs?” Justin got teary at that but he was lucky the medication was starting to work how it should and he could maintain his composure. He smiled, twirling his ring around his finger thinking about it. He didn’t have any doubt about the fact Jamie would be doing her bit to take care of Sasha and Dory and his absence. He was a born care-taker and would no doubt growing up doing some incredible job like being a doctor in overseas missions or something. Though, he secretly didn’t hope so because he would miss her like crazy. He slowed when Amarlie gently warned him too. It had been so long since he spent one-on-one time with her that he was trying to squash it all in together, like he had to make up for lost time.
“At least my relationship is the one part of my life not fucked. A lot of that’s down to him, though. My shit should’ve broken him. I’m not even saying that. It should’ve. It broke Will and no matter how hurt and upset I was about that, he didn’t have to just be okay with it. All he had to do was talk to me about it and we could’ve ended peacefully. I would never have asked him to stick with it. But Sash… I never have to ask. I never even have to know I need to ask because he is already just there. These moments, where I can take care of him in return, they mean everything to me. Not that I would wish ill-will on him, but he’s not always okay himself. He struggles and it means a lot to me that he is open with me about that. That’d be the pointer I’d give anyone. Be there and be honest, even if it hurts. Take care of each other. But still laugh and enjoy each other where you can. Things aren’t easy for Sash and me. At all. But we still laugh. Even on my bad days, we have a bit of a laugh. And enjoying each other? It doesn’t have to look like how anyone else does it. It probably won’t. You make those rules together. I reserve the right to kick his arse if he doesn’t treat you right, by the way. Brother Prerogative.” He gave her a smirk, feeling a sense of relief to be back in a place he could have a joke with his sister.
Amarlie took his hand again to holding, wanting to cherish the closeness they had regrounding after everything. “Yep, she was. He wasn’t home a lot while you were in hospital, obviously. He was either with you or staying with his folks, which is exactly how it should’ve been. But there was a handful of times he came back to get clothes or pick some things up for you and stayed the night because he was too tired to make the round trip. We were at the dinner table one night and she told everyone that because Sash didn’t have any brothers or sisters that he was her big brother now too, and that was the law because you guys were getting married. She said she knew from the mistletoe kiss that Sash was going to marry you. Then she gave Sash this t-shirt that said Awesome Big Brother on it and he just started crying. I think he was exhausted but it probably helped a lot after all the stress he’d been under. She gave him a hug and said he could have her cupcake. I’ll tell you what, baby bro, your dad makes amazing babies.”
She probably only had him so long before he tired out again. “Is it stupid that I’m worried he might change his mind now there’s no baby? He tried to do the right thing and I adore him for it. That doesn’t mean we were meant to be, though, you know? Like, you and Sash, soul mates and all.”
Justin smiled to himself hearing the story of Sash and Jamie. It choked him up and he couldn’t reply straight away. He enjoyed hearing it, hearing that Jamie was trying to take care of Sash in his absence. He knew, as simple as it all was, that would’ve helped Sash. “Mars, it’s not stupid that you’re worrying about that. If there’s one thing who knows that sort of stuff, it’s me. But you wanna know something? Soul mates is a bullshit concept on its own. I do think some people are destined to meet and be together. How could I not, considering our story? It’s only the start, though. After that, you still have to work on the relationship and learn each other. If you’re worrying about that, you need to talk to him. Like I said before, you have to keep talking and figure it out together. That’s the only way it’ll work. This place is perfect for it, too. Go for a bushwalk or have a picnic by the lake. Tori said there’s some great places to go for drives around here too. Take the time to be open and heal together. Ask him if it was only for the baby and give him a chance to open up to you about he feels too. Sash’s mom was pregnant when his dad had the accident. The shock of it caused her to have a miscarriage and she got an infection because of it. It scarred her tubes and she could never get pregnant again. You know the sad part? Even with his dad being left quadriplegic, they still could’ve gotten his sperm and did the IVF thing. They just don’t talk about it, because people immediately assume Sash is an only child because his dad is infertile from the accident. He’s been trying to write about it for his book…”
He bit his lip and watched some birds settle on the grass looking for worms. “Uncle Alec thinks it might help if I considered writing about my own life. Not doing the actual writing. I don’t have the time or the focus to do that. It could probably help some people and it could help unclog the mess in my head. I thought I could ask Will. Do you think that’s nuts? Uncle Alec suggested Sash at first, but he doesn’t feel a natural pull to writing and he’s going for pre-med, Ivy League no less. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve talked to him about it. We talked a lot while I was in hospital. He’ll support me either way. I don’t even know if I could do it. I just feel like I should consider it. I’ve had publishing executives approach me about it before, but I flat turned it down. A lot’s changed now, though.”
Amarlie’s heart went out to Sasha’s parents hearing this. She had no idea. She always just assumed Sash was an only child by choice. “Fuck, imagine having a baby, though, and not even being able to hold them in your arms. Sash has said a few times how hard it is for his dad to not be able to hug him. It was the first thing he grieved after the accident. Losing a baby and nearly losing your husband all in one go, and Sash stopped talking for awhile, didn’t he? That breaks my heart. You’re right, though. Keegan and I need to talk and have time together. I’ve been overthinking it all. I mean, he’s here, right? He came. He’s not on a plane back to Australia, he’s transferred here. There might even be a chance Kade stays too.”
Justin’s next bombshell shocked her and at first, she didn’t know exactly what she should say. “Well, I… I think your story would help many more than a few people. I think putting your truth in writing would be a powerful thing. What you’ve survived, at least what you want known, and everything you’ve achieved. But… holy shit, Jus. Are you sure? That must mean you really do trust him after everything. I don’t think it’s nuts, no, but wow…”
“Will could’ve made a lot of money spilling undisclosed information about my life. It’s not him, though. Things might’ve gone to shit with us, but he’s not a bad person and he would never purposefully do anything to harm me. He knows a lot of it already. I was dating him when I got the role, when I was diagnosed with bipolar, when I was suicidal… a lot of things. He’s an amazing writer, he’s been doing it his whole life. I could trust him to tell the right story, you know? I’d need it written in a certain way, to make sure it’s understood how I need it to be understood. There’s a lot he would still have to learn too, though, so I’m not sure. I’m confused and tired. I’d be glad if it could help people and it could help for charity fundraisers. I just don’t know what will happen in my head if I start to, like, bleed it all out of me. My head’s a really fucked up place. Even worse now.” Justin rubbed his forehead, scrunching up his nose and tugging his lips to the side. It felt like it took physical exertion thinking about this stuff. But since the ketamine infusion, he was conscious of the fact he felt less unstable. Things were a little more in equilibrium, even if a lot of the shit clawed back at him through his subconscious when he was sleeping.
There had been a small handful of times flashbacks had hit him when he was awake, too. Usually when he was in a hazy state, like taking a shower and blanking out or if certain smells or sounds triggered the bad memories. According to Sasha and Hunter, though, it was easy to tell when it was happening to know to try to ground him and get him through it. He hoped it didn’t happen while they were here. “Keegan wouldn’t still be here, Mars. Not if the only reason he was here was the baby and the baby’s gone now. He wouldn’t have moved countries, changed his career course. Not if he wasn’t sure. Nurture it, though. You really have to or you’ll lose it. Give him a chance to open up to you. He might feel like he can’t, that it might upset you about the miscarriage if he does. I know that stuff because Sash used to feel it with me and I used to feel it with him about losing Andi. It’s never good to let it stew.”
Amarlie hugged his other hand and rubbed his fingers. “Maybe bleeding it all out of you is exactly what you need now memories you forgot you had have come back. I don’t know what they are, but I know enough to know they’re horrible and you nearly didn’t survive it this time. But there’s so much more to you, Jus, than the bad things that happened to you. There are so many incredible things that have brought you to here. You could fill ten books and not touch on these things that are hitting you so hard now. Then again, maybe you might get to it and want to talk about it. The thing about it being your book is that it would be your’s. You make the rules and I don’t know Will very well, but I don’t think he would want to do more than simply help you tell whatever story you’re able. What does Sash think about it? And your dad? I know Alec wouldn’t have suggested it if he didn’t truly feel it could be therapeutic for you.”
Still, Justin was anxious about it and understandably so. She was his big sister, even if not by blood and only by a couple of years, it was her job to be there for him and help however she could. “You would’ve been a fantastic uncle, Jus. And you still will be when I have a baby in the future. You and Sash both will. My kids will have the most amazing uncles ever in the whole world.”
“You and our future nieces or nephews, Sunshine being our future bridesmaid with Dory as Flower Girl. I’m starting to think you lot are rushing us up the aisle,” Justin joked, giving her a knowing smirk. It lightened the mood a little, something he sensed they both needed. He and Sasha had no plans for getting married any time soon, even if they took the step to get engaged. That made Justin feel safe and happy, which is all he needed. They had talked about it while he was in hospital, though. One of the days Justin was feeling more stable and calm. Sasha asked him if, after everything, he wanted to change their goal of getting married later down the track. Nothing was set in stone and a lot had changed with Justin’s mindset with the latest relapse and memories of his horrible past returning. They were both on the same page still wanting to do it when they were a bit older, at least twenty-one for both of them, and possibly even when Sasha finished his pre-med degree. They indulged in fantasising about what they might potentially like for their wedding. Australia was inevitable. Near the beach. But only with their closest friends and family. Private and absolutely no press allowed, beyond those who worked for his mom and Uncle Paris, who would get any exclusive to stories. If they wanted to make it public.
They still hadn’t officially even announced their engagement to the public. People just assumed because he chose not to hide his ring and it was so much more peaceful that way. Fans had asked but dodged out of the subject with the ease of someone with a lot of secrets who was now well-trained and experienced in interacting with fans. “Dad actually thinks it could be quite cathartic for me to reconnect with Will in a different way. It would also mean Will already has access to information that might be triggering for me to rehash over and over. I just don’t know if I would want to… to put the sexual… stuff in there. I’ve got a new attorney and I’ll be getting a new manager. Dad’s pissed I was accessed like that and producers are trying to get in my head to turn me to acting in films or TV shows. Things’ll just need managed different now. Not just with me, but Sash, and both of us as a unit. The charity work not included, of course, but on a whole, I need to be taken care of and protected. At least for the foreseeable future. I just want to work, do charity, be in love, and… try to get better. Which won’t happen unless they dial things right back and they block a lot of the excess shit getting in my head.”
“Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’d love to be your bridesmaid and bawl my eyes out seeing you marry Sash but we can be patient. I know you two. You’re happy and content being engaged for now. My mom always said things like people rush into marriage too soon these days and don’t take the time to cherish the beauty of being engaged and growing together. She said some of her best memories are when she was engaged. I can see exactly what she means in you and Sash. When we visited you in hospital, he would be there with you without fail. It didn’t matter if he was just sitting watching TV with you or listening to music while you slept. He was more content being there than not while you weren’t well. There was only one time he wasn’t there with you when I visited and he had a migraine. He had to go home because the hospitals lights were making him sick. One day, I want what you have, baby bro. You make it look really good. Even through your bad days.” Amarlie listened as Justin’s voice lowered in that way it always did when he was deep in thought. For all the power he had in his singing voice and charismatic stage presence, he was actually really calm and softly spoken at his most raw. A lot like Sash was. They matched each other so well.
She patted his hand, grateful he trusted her enough to open up to her like this. “You don’t want to do TV or movies? Now that you mention it, it’s the first I’ve ever heard you say anything but theatre acting. Not surprised they’re trying to poach you. You’d rake it in for them. You know, working with Will it means you can set your own goal posts however you need. You can always try opening up about some of that stuff and if you change your mind about wanting it in the book, he can take it out again. He’s loved you, Jus. He’s been intimate with you and even if it went to shit, he took care of you while you were sick for awhile. He won’t mind if you need to take it each day as it comes, like everything else. Honestly, that’s starting to feel like the best way to deal with life, even without a serious illness like you have. Things seems easier to process a day at a time.”
Justin smiled with a fond shake of his head. “I promise, when the time comes, you can all help us with the plans and make all the decisions that I’m pretty sure I won’t want a bar of and Sash is so easygoing, he be bothered with any of those sorts of details. But we’re not there yet. We like being engaged. It’s easy and nice. It’s given me a lot of strength. We’re young and all that shit, so waiting makes sense. We’ve got no reason to rush to getting married. Besides, Andi’s death is still so, so fresh for him and I think it will be for a long time. It would upset him doing something massive in life like getting married and she won’t be there with him. Being here now where there are so many memories is hard enough. It’s why he’s only been back to Boston a couple of times since her funeral. Just too hard.”
He tipped his head to the side, scrunching his nose up. “Not even a little bit. Live theatre is… it’s… fuck.” He didn’t know how to explain it. He paused, giving it some deeper thought. “A lifeline? It’s immediate. The audience is right there and I can feel their excitement and enjoyment. I love the idea how witnessing audience members engage in your art. I like looking out at their faces during curtain call, knowing we’re doing something they enjoy. It’s why the lighting guys always lift the lights after the call. I want to see that stuff. Same as I usually love doing Stage Door, getting to meet them. Sometimes, it freaks me the fuck out but that’s not because I dislike them, it just overwhelms me when I’m sick. The crowds are claustrophobic and noisy. I don’t like being touched when I’m sick. It triggers shit in my head. Besides, my strongest skill is singing and dancing. Unless it’s a musical on the screen, that’s not at the heart of TV and movie acting. Money is. Fuck knows how I’m supposed to help someone write a book about my life when I can’t even put so many of my thoughts into words. My thoughts don’t always come in a rational way. I know what I feel, I just can’t always explain it to other people. Broadway and Bipolar. It seems like a fucking oxymoron some days…”
Amarlie’s face lit up in a smile. “Or the perfect name for an autobiography. Jus, the very fact you’re mentally ill means you’re probably going battle with yourself on this over and over until you can get it to make more sense. But maybe that’s the reason why Will would be perfect for this job. He knows that is how you function and understands why. So, you guys weren’t meant to be romantically. That doesn’t mean the end. You’ve forgiven him, you support him with Zeke, you’re not holding any grudges towards him, you’ve spent a lot of time talking everything through with him on and off. It could be a way to help him launch his career as a professional author and gives you the safe place to do this.”
She squeezed his hand. “You look tired, Jus. I think you’re hitting a wall again. Go back in to Sash and snooze for bit.” She stood to help him up and then gave him a gentle cuddle, kissing his cheek. “I love you, little bro. I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve survived and can still be a beautiful person. I just want you to know that if you’d been well, you would probably have been the first person I ran to with the miscarriage. Do you know we actually thought about naming the baby Ren if we had a boy?” She laughed and ruffled his hair.
“Well, now I’m totally going to hold you to that when you have a son in the future,” Justin joked back as he stood, feeling the heavy fatigue settling in over his body again. He didn’t realise how much he externally exhibited how he was feeling. His sister knew him well enough to spot the signs. Everything that took mental exertion, even just trying to sort through his thoughts, physically exhausted him. He had to take it in small waves at the moment and that would be how it was as long as it took for him to recover from this ordeal. “I love you right back. Thanks for listening to my brain-jumble. It’s a crazy mess right now.”
“I know. But it’ll get better, no matter how long it takes. Give that man of yours a cuddle for me.” Amarlie dropped her voice when she opened the door for him so she didn’t wake Sash, who was still out like a light, one hand tucked under his cheek and the other resting on the empty space Justin had vacated beside him. “Give me a shout if you need help, Jus. With anything. That goes for both of you.” She kissed patted his cheek affectionately and gave him another quick peck there before tiptoeing out of their room to give Justin the space he needed to get some rest.
LOG, COMPLETE