dreamlikenewyork | [ FACEBOOK ] with Asher Brennan and Zenith Novak

I love our flock much more anyway. I didn't think about it that way, but you're right. Hell, I didn't even realise anything with Ash until I was fully recovered from Stage One of the surgery. Before that, I just figured good friendship and good sex were two different entities. I love you, you know that. I don't even feel there needs to be any sort of timeframe before I should say that to you either.

A lot of people think that, love. But I've never really had sex for the sake of sex. There's always got to be more to it. And honestly, you and Ash are the only ones I always kept coming back to. It was so surreal when you got together. I felt like I was intruding. I love you. Always have.

You were never intruding. I just think that because you were away when Ash confessed to me how he felt, we missed the mark. That felt right at the time. This feels more right than anything else ever has. Maybe that's why I'm ready to consider the next surgery step. I'm feeling like I'm missing something.

If I'm really honest, and I'm sure we would've stumbled on this eventually in the near future, I've had feelings for you from the day I met you and we sat up all night talking after the support group. Missing something emotionally, or physically? Or something that goes hand-in-hand with both?

It was a good night, that. You knew exactly what I was experiencing and that was incredible. Hand-in-hand, that's a hell of a pun, babe. But spot on. Don't get me wrong, I'm comfortable with what I have now. I just realised after the first night we all slept together, my body started to feel like something was lacking. How did you really know when you were ready to go the whole way?

I was skeptical about the support group thing in general, and I still am. I got more from our long chats that night than I did the whole time I went to the group. I always knew, I just had to let myself understand it. If only it was just as easy as "I want a dick, let's give me a dick". It wasn't even wanting the body to match the brain. It was just the fear of the unknown, feeling like an inferior male, you know? I had nothing to worry about. My physical body doesn't do what a genetically male anatomy does on its own, but it's no less male. And I'm NB anyway, so I won't ever see myself as fully statically-male.

So did I. Maybe that's why we thought it was better as friendship. I can't even lie about how much you being NB made me hot for you. With the complications you had, and then the crappy infection I got with the first stage, I'm kind of terrified. I don't even know what type I'd go for, and I don't even want you two to think you have to nurse me through anything when you've got fabulously-crazy work schedules. Not to mention my internship with Caden.

Friendship's easier, and that was especially so when we were both transitioning and didn't even know how to love ourselves properly yet. Feel free to totally objectifying my NBness anytime you want, love. Bitchpls, like we won't nurse you. I'd nurse you through a papercut if you needed it. You can't think about that day-to-day stuff, love. You have to give yourself permission to put life on hold to achieve it. You need to go through it, let yourself. We're here for you, so is the tribe. Okay? Don't you shut us out when we're just discovering this thing.

I think I'm just anxious it'll impede on our sex life in these early stages of our relationship. I feel like that stuff's important. It was pretty intense, the night we realised this. I might interrogate you about how you felt right after the surgery, even if you were open and honest at the time, I know there were probably things you didn't verbalise.

Babe, a sex life can wait for a change in your life. I'm not paying you lipservice here. It's temporary. Ash and I aren't going to keel over and die if we have to hold off. Sure, it was intense. It was incredible. But it won't be like that all the time. If we want to make this work, it'll be up and down. I'd be too exhausted and in pain to do that every night anyway. Interrogate away. I won't sugarcoat. You need to make a fully-informed choice, gorgeous.

Yeah, but, the thing is, I don't want you two to stop while I'm recuperating. Which is something I think we should talk about, you know? You haven't mentioned your pain recently. You're not hiding it, are you? Maybe we could take Ash away for his birthday, make a weekend of it? Do the talking thing, celebrate, chill out, recalibrate to the newness.

Hang on, I don't want to fill in the blanks the wrong way here. Are you saying that if you have the surgery, you want Ash and me to keep having sex without you? Or with you there while you're in pain and recovering from invasive surgery on your sex organs? Yeah, the pain thing is something I need to talk to you both about too. Let's do that, it sounds amazing. Hit some of the others up for suggestions of places we can go.

I don't know... both? I haven't given it specific thought, but it's important. You have been hiding pain, haven't you? Or hiding in plain sight, so to speak. But I noticed you struggled to get out of bed yesterday when I was getting ready for college. When I called Ash a couple of hours later, he said you were still in bed. There's the beach house Mark said any of us can use anytime we like. Shannon's folks said the same about their cabin at the lake too. Or we can go further on a road trip somewhere.

Okay, but we need to have some specific talk about it because neither is going to happen. I know your heart's in the right place and I know we're figuring out the parameters of the relationship, but there's no way, babe. No way. I didn't get up yesterday. I conceded defeat and cancelled my appointments. I planned on just taking things slow, but I fell back to sleep. I think I might need another infusion. Promise I haven't been hiding, you just see more now we're in the same bed. What about like a five star spa retreat or something? I'm a fabulous bitch, I want a bit of pampering as a side order to our D&Ms.

Why not? Why should you go without? Fuck, if you cancelled appointments, it's bad. How long has it been getting worse again? we can put all this off until you have your infusion and see how you go with it. this place is supposed to be really amazing. Mark and Gen said it was great when they stayed there.

Because sex won't be on our minds. It definitely won't be on yours. It might not even be on yours after you're physically healed. That time you and I fucked, when I told you I missed sleeping with another trans person, it was the first time entirely after my surgery. Even then, I faked it. The surgery, it killed my sex drive. I didn't just not want to be touched, I didn't want to touch anyone else either. It's been gradually getting worse for about 3 or 4 weeks now. That looks amazing. Let's not put it off. I can rest there.

Why couldn't you ever tell me this before? You thought I'd be mad because you faked? I didn't realise you had issues like that. I'll get Ash's schedule and see how many nights we can book for.

Not mad, hurt. I really, really, really wanted to be into it, but it wasn't working. I was kind of in denial at the time anyway. Surgery's supposed to be this miracle trans fix, everything we ever want. No one talks about the reality of the fact it's still invasive surgery which just as many risks and problems as any other type of surgery. It eventually resolved itself that time we met up at Disneyland. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you, babe.

That's exactly why I never thought I'd go the whole way. I thought I was okay with as far as I've gone, and even then, I was sick with complications. Don't be sorry. I'm glad you're telling me now. Do you still have the issues or was it just post-op?

What's changed, love? No issues now. My sex drive's normal. Unless I'm in pain, but who wants to fuck when they're in pain anyway? Even then, I still might want the slow if I'm in the mood.

It's just like understanding more about myself with sexuality and stuff that I'm ready to understand more physically. I'm scared about serious complications, though. The TLC kind of sex is my favourite kind, can't even lie. How bad's the pain been, other than what I saw this morning?

You know Ash and I will be there every step of the way with you, unconditionally. But no way will we keep fucking together without you. That was the thing, babe. I still appreciated the connection of sex back then, even if I couldn't come. I've been taking more OTC painkillers, which I don't want to do. I think I might need the ketamine infusion. But before you ask, sex isn't making the pain worse. It's not like I'm a fucking porn star, even if some chasers out there wish I was.

So, that's a ground rule? We don't fuck each other, only when we're all there? I can be on board with that. I was wondering about the logistics. I know you've said before sex can be therapeutic for you, but I thought you were joking. Okay, do you want Ash and me to come to the doctor with you? I want to know what I can about your condition so we can help when you need it. Chasers can go stick their heads up each others asses. Seriously, ffs.

Hell no, baby. If I'm busy or away, you guys don't need to stop. Maybe if all three of us are there, it's all-in. If not, two-way's fine. We're lucky, we've got that flexibility. Why not roll with it? I just think it'd be a different story if one of us was sick or hurt, you know? Or recovering from surgery. This is the stuff we should talk through. Gentle sex IS therapeutic for me. It keeps my joints moving. You know what's even better? Gentle sex in warm water. Yeah, I'd like it if you came with me. You can meet him. Don't worry, he's open-minded. We won't be judged.

So, if Ash was away, it'd be you and me? Or you and Ash if I was? What if I want to watch that last option? I just wouldn't want to deprive you. Besides, like I said, that last option sounds like one I wouldn't want to be absent for. Just saying. You just HAD to mention you, sex, and warm water all in one breath, didn't you? If I could get a boner, I'd have one right now. Okay, good. Because I want to be up to speed on your medical stuff. I've been watching Jus and Sash do the whole caring thing, you know.

I don't even think it necessarily has to be whenever anyone is away, either. What if one of us just isn't in the mood or we're tired? You can watch any time you like. This voyeuristic streak is hot. It's not about deprivation, it's just agreeing to a comfortable ground where there's no jealousy and no one feels sidelined in any of it. Promise, we can sit down and I'll fill you both in on my medical shit. If I need an infusion, I'd want you both there anyway.

[ FACEBOOK ] with Asher Brennan and Zenith Novak

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