William Benjamin Jackson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
musthavebeenlove) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-03-17 08:46 pm
musthavebeenlove) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-03-17 08:46 pm
Entry tags:
"Empathize and hide your eyes, let's just talk about us."
Who: Will Jackson and Zeke Wyatt
What: Kindness & Understanding
Where: Oncology Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this
Will looked at the simple but sweet bunch of coloured tulips and gerbera daisies in his arm and then his gaze slowly mapped up to the sign hanging above him.
Pediatric Oncology Unit
He swallowed, drawing in a sharp breath and holding it for a few moments. Then he exhaled in a rush, shifting his weight from one foot to another. He wasn’t stalling, he was just doubting that he should even be here. It was evening, so he made sure his footfalls were soft on the linoleum heading in through the doors and past the Nurse’s Station. He didn’t make eye contact with any of the staff. It was hard enough pushing through to come here without needing to run into anyone he knew. Beau, Richie, Nate. Any of them. He adored them all, but he didn’t want to be reminded that he probably wasn’t welcome here.
So much was still clear in his mind. The PB time. Post-Breakup. When he was the biggest arsehole he could possibly be and hurt Justin and Sasha, hurt his friends, hurt their friends. Their friends including Zeke. Will still remembered when Justin stuck his neck out for him, contacting him to ask if he would talk to Zeke about his boner problems because he would understand what it was like, being a cancer survivor himself. He was supposed to have been someone Zeke could confide in, someone who could help him. Instead, he still had his head up his arse and did nothing to help. He was still rude and ignored Zeke when he tried to reach out. He was still bitter and miserable that Justin pulled the plug on their relationship. Still felt blame towards Sasha for being a better boyfriend than him and being perfect in all the ways Will wasn’t. Zeke ended up collateral damage with that, because he was one of Sasha’s closest mates.
Will was sure Zeke would never want to talk to him again. Since returning to New York, at all the gatherings Will had been welcome to on his journey of trying to make amends and reconnect with the squad, Zeke had ignored him. At least, so Will thought. Not even Justin or Sasha ignored him. They had worked together to find a middle ground. Will had sort-of started seeing Blaize, but they hadn’t labelled it as anything official yet. Will still felt like Blaize was out of his league and Blaize was clearly feeling like he needed to reassure Will of the opposite quite frequently. What was wrong with him? He didn’t quite know. But it felt like Zeke was avoiding him. He didn’t speak to him, never really acknowledged him. Granted, every time they had been in a squad hangout, Zeke was mostly occupied by his boyfriend, Flynn’s son, Jett.
That was why he was sure this would end badly. Zeke wouldn’t want him around, fellow cancer survivor or not. Will had been shaken by the news that Zeke’s cancer had returned. It freaked him out and caused him to have a panic attack in the middle of babysitting Milo one afternoon. He had to call Luke for help and Luke rushed home from the bar to him. They talked. A lot. It helped. What came of it was Luke convincing him that he needed to reach out to Zeke this time, and this time, not be a dick about it. Especially now, when Zeke would need all the support and understanding he could get. It had just been such a stark reminder that remission wasn’t guaranteed to stay. Cancer could always come back.
He had been too scared to ask Sasha how Zeke was doing too. Things might be better in general with the whole situation and since Justin had gotten engaged, it had given Will a lot of closure that he needed. But he didn’t want Sasha to think he was sticking his nose in where it wasn’t wanted. He asked Blaize, who didn’t directly know how Zeke was because he had been having a bad run with chemo. That’s all he knew, and was able to relay Zeke’s room number. Apparently Sasha visited Zeke every day, even if it was only for a little bit. Just like he had with his BFF before she passed away. Will knew he could learn a lot from his successor of the owner of Justin’s heart.
This unit was one he knew maybe better than any other place in the world. He had been so focused on getting to the room that he nearly slammed right into Beau coming out of one of the rooms. “Whoa, there! We didn’t keep you alive to go and get yourself killed in the corridor,” Beau said, giving him a smile. “You know, once we kick your ass out of this place, you’re not supposed to come back.”
Will couldn’t not smirk at Beau’s comment, but as soon as it appeared, the reality dragged his face back into the mask of concern and anxiety. Beau was Will’s doctor. Whenever he needed those routine follow-ups to make sure he was keeping well, Beau was who he saw. But he had convinced himself Beau must hate him for what he did to Justin. Until Beau called him on how he was acting and they talked it out. Beau told him that the thing about self-deprecation was that no one else but you was at the mic giving the voiceover in your head. No one was in there to correct you. It could turn into a monster. Talking it out with someone else was the only way to deal with it. “I, um… I’ve come to see Zeke. If he’d want me to, that is. He might not. I wouldn’t blame him at all if he didn’t.”
“Do you think how sick Zeke is that he’s thinking much about any past sins right now?” Beau reasoned quietly. He gave Will’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Go ask him yourself. If he says no, it’s not you. It’s just been a bad chemo week. I think he might be grateful of any moral support.”
Beau’s words hit home for Will. He stood there, staring as his face as they filtered into his mind. He wondered in that moment if that was maybe how Justin saw the world. Was that why he and Sasha had been so cool about his return? He made a note in his head to ask Justin about that one day. Beau always knew the right thing to say. “He’ll tell me if he’s not?”
“He’s been there before, buddy. He knows how this works.”
“Yeah, I get that it’s not like riding a bike. Doesn’t get easier the more you do it…” Will caught his lip between his teeth and took a few moments to study Beau. Beau had done it twice too. He survived it twice. He looked well now, but Will knew he had nearly died the second time. He shouldn’t have survived it. Bone marrow transplant ultimately pushed him through. Zeke didn’t have a type of cancer that could be helped with something like a bone marrow transplant, like Will and Beau had. This was something that they just had to hope chemo did the trick of reducing the tumorous tissue to the point it was no longer killing him. He heard everyone talking. Zeke had another serious surgery to remove a large tumour in his stomach. He had a stoma now and even if he survived cancer again, he might have that for the rest of his life. It was just a matter of seeing how well he recovered, if there was scar tissue, if he lost more functioning. Will knew he wasn’t an expert on any of this, but he knew he understood how hard chemo was. That was why he was here.
Beau ruffled Will’s hair. “But love takes a little bit of the sting out. You just give me a shout if he takes a bad turn. He’s going okay this evening. He had a bad day, though. Sash left a little while ago, so he’ll be glad of another distraction.”
“Beau?” Will said when the young doctor turned to leave him to it. He looked back and Will gave him a faith smirk, pointing. “You’ve got hickies.” He knew Beau’s marriage had crashed and burned, so he wasn’t sure what was going on here but it was reassuring for Will that if Beau could get back on his feet and be looking for love again, maybe Will would figure out how to manage it himself soon enough.
Will’s gut flip-flopped anxiously as he approached Zeke’s room. It wasn’t that he didn’t know what to expect. He did. Maybe that was what it was, he knew. But he didn’t, in any way, know Zeke’s subjective experience with cancer. Not this time and definitely not the last. He had witnessed Sasha chatting to some of their friends on Facebook (it was still surreal for him that Justin’s new love - now fiance - accepted his friends request on Facebook) about Zeke, and Sasha had the most sweetest, caring and respectful way about discussing it. Even if Will knew Sasha had that experience of losing someone to cancer, he understood more deeply now what he had gone through with Andi and how Justin would have fallen in love with him.
He knocked softly on the door, not wanting to assume Zeke wanted him to come in or stick around. One of the worst parts about cancer was how much dignity it stole. Some days, you just didn’t want to be touched or even looked at. Zeke looked so ill. The last time Will saw him in person, it was before any of this re-diagnosis hit, before Zeke even got sick. Though, the last time they were all together as a group, Zeke hadn’t been feeling well but thought it was just the general ongoing stuff he dealt with. “Hi, mate. I just wanted to drop by and see how you were. I don’t have to stay if you don’t want. These won’t help, I know, but they won’t make it hurt more than it already does, at least…”
Zeke’s current fight wasn’t just with cancer. It was with trying to keep in good spirits, despite the cancer. But this was still the Big C and inevitable, some days were just plain awful. Today had been one of those days. Chemo caused him a lot of pain. It gave him headaches, body aches, chest pains, a sore neck, and painful skin. It was early days, so his hair hadn’t fallen out yet. The nausea and vomiting started on Day Two, like clockwork. The kind of vomits where you literally had nothing in your gut to come up, but that didn’t stop it trying. He sipped water and sucked ice chips just so he had something to come out because it hurt more if there wasn’t. The heaving was painful and his throat was red-raw. There were drugs to counteract the sickness, but it sometimes took time to work, or multiple dosages to have any affect. He got upset with himself and had a massive cry earlier in the afternoon. He had enough of the shit and the painkillers had done little to ease the pain in his stomach. He must have cried himself to sleep because the next thing he knew, he woke up with his favourite blanket tucked around him with all the lights in his hospital room out. Sasha had been there when he started the sob-fest too, but he was gone when Zeke woke up.
Sasha had brought Andi’s guardian angel teddy bear to him. She had that fuzzball with her every single day during her battle with cancer, a gift from Sasha after she was diagnosed. When she passed away, apparently Andi left him back to Sash in her will for him and Justin to share. Sash told him when he brought him by earlier that day that he was so sure it was more than just a plush toy. Sash had those unexplainable vision-like dreams and unexplainable experiences. Zeke didn’t doubt for a second that she was watching over him, and Justin. He hoped like hell maybe he could tap into a little of that something right now. He knew if Andi had any control over it, she’d try like hell for him. But it was just a really bad day for him. Not just feeling sick and sore and emotional, but he hadn’t been sleeping well and it caught up.
When he woke, he felt a bit better. Zara and Niko were there, because his family, whether immediate or extended, took turns spending time with him here. They weren’t sure when he would be discharged yet. Tara said she wanted to see how he went with the first chemo round to assess how to manage him this time around. They couldn’t assume it would be the same as before. Will was the last person he expected to be here. He barely even knew the guy. He knew he was back and had been making amends. Zeke didn’t hate him or anything like that. He didn’t know him well enough. Will hadn’t wanted to help him in the past when he was offered as an option and that was fine. But Zeke was inevitably surprised to see him here now. “Wow, did you draw the squad short straw or something?” he joked, knowing he looked like hell so he may as well use humour to make up for it.
“Nah, it’s self-imposed exile,” Will joked back, stepping into the room with a gentle smile. From the amount of visitors chairs sandwiched into the private hospital room, Zeke had plenty of visitors. He didn’t need Will and even as the conversation opened, Will reminded himself Zeke might not want him to visit either. Still, Zeke didn’t tell him to piss the fuck off. “I just… well, mostly I wanted to offer my support as someone who’s been there. I just wasn’t sure if you would want much to do with me. I couldn’t quite tell if you’ve given me the cold shoulder since Justin gave me the green light to come back into the mix, or if it was more indifference. I know that one time you asked me for help, I was a cunt about the whole situation. Not that I want to make this about me. That’s not why I’m here either.”
“I’m glad I know it isn’t chemo that causes that level of over-thinking, dude. Take a seat.” Zeke gave a little nod at the nearest chair. It was true, he had a lot of visitors crammed in here sometimes because he had a massive family. But he also had an epic tribe of epic friends too. He was glad, because he needed all the epic he could get right now. He didn’t care what colour, shape, or size it came in. “No cold shoulder. I just don’t really know you, dude. Or at all. I didn’t know you back then either, which is why I didn’t take any offense when you didn’t follow through. It wasn’t exactly the best situation, considering what was going on. Considering Sash wanted you to trip and fall off something tall onto something sharp and spiky. But this time around? I guess I was waiting for Sash’s cues. Mostly, I just roll with shit. It wasn’t anything against you. We were all just protective of J, you know? How he’d go with it. It’s nice you came here, though. You get it. How fucking crap it all is. Sorry in advance if I start getting sick or anything. Still trying to get used to chemo again.”
Will shook his head, accepting the offer to sit down. Zeke had loads of flowers already. And feel better balloons, plush toys, many cards. It was an honour that his could join the bunch. He remembered when he was in hospital those many times, how the simple things like get well gifts meant because they brightened up an otherwise horrible day. “No apologies needed. I understand. I’m not squeamish with that sort of stuff. But I know it can be embarrassing when it happens with an audience. You can tell me to go anytime you need. Right now, even. Justin gave me a lot of time and understanding I didn’t deserve when I came back. I think it would’ve been easier if he just hated me. Have they, um… given you any sort of prognosis? Beau’s your doctor. He and Tara are the best in the world. You’re in good hands. I didn’t have Beau first time around, but I see him now for monitoring. He and Luke are good friends.”
“Yeah, J’s a sweet guy. It was nice to know he was in good hands once Andi was ready to go. But, you know, when stuff like this happens, reliving past mistakes doesn’t seem so important anymore. No real prognosis yet. Just got to wait to see what the chemo does. If it shrinks what’s left of the tumours. To be honest, I don’t think I’ll make it this time.” Zeke fell quiet, looking down at his hands resting on his chest. Nothing like multiple IV lines to make you feel like a sick person. “I haven’t said that to anyone. I don’t want to upset them. I know you probably get it, though. I feel so much more sick and tired this time around. But, Beau. He did it. He keeps reminding me it’s not a lost cause, I guess.”
“Not even Jett?” Will asked, pulling his chair closer to Zeke’s bed. Zeke’s voice was weak and hoarse. Probably a mix of throwing up a lot and a chemo symptom. Will remembered the sore throats and how even talking could exhaust you. It was a fatigue like no other. If he was closer, Zeke didn’t have to strain as much to talk to him. “Not even Sasha? I thought he would be the one who got it most of all. I know feeling like you have no fight. You honestly feel too sick for anything. Even talking, drinking, peeing. Feeling like tomorrow might not come. I was pretty young when I had it. Just a kid. I remember it all, though. Plus the terror it might come back when you go into remission. Fuck, that caused a lot of issues with Justin. It’s why we broke up the first time. How many tumours have you got left? They said you might need the stoma for good now. That’s hard, mate. I bet it hurts a lot, feeling like you’re losing your dignity. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you out with the sex thing last time. I didn’t feel worthy to. Like I had no right thinking I knew better than you. And I was angry that I had to try to pretend everything was all good when it felt like my heart was being ripped out seeing Justin loving Sasha when I thought he was the love of my life…”
Zeke watched Will’s face as he talked and then gave him a hint of a smile. “Well, I’ve got cancer, so I won’t hold being a dick against you. I broke up with Jett. I can’t even tell you exactly why. Everything just feels too hard. Partly, I don’t want to be a burden. But we haven’t had sex. I can’t get it up no matter what I do. I was working on accepting there could be other ways when I got sick. I don’t know how long all this will last. There’s no guarantee I’ll make it through either. I know I could tell Sash but he’s so worried already. Like, I know what to do with this the first time around, but I don’t the second. It feels so different this time. It’s not like, oh, you’ve had cancer before, it’ll be a breeze this time. It’s not. I think it’s worse. There’s still part of the larger tumour and patches of smaller ones. It’s so much pain,” he said and his words got caught up in a small sob. Shit, he didn’t mean to get upset here. Despite painkillers, he still had a lot of pain and this aching unrelenting nausea. Crying often made him throw up, and he didn’t want to do that either. He brushed his fingers over his eyes, sniffling. “Sorry. This is awkward.”
“No, it’s not,” Will murmured. He put his hand on Zeke’s arm and then, without thinking too much on it, took his hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “Don’t try to hold it back. You’ve got every reason in the world to cry. And even if you can’t verbalise it, I know all about that general feeling of confusing and apprehension where it feels impossible to try to work life out because you don’t even know if you’ll be allowed to keep it. I’m sorry the whole sex thing has been so hard. I won’t walk on eggshells with it, because I know it’s not what you would want with your friends. You don’t want anyone treating you with kid gloves just because you’re sick. You just want them to keep treating you the same as always. Sex is real great when you find the right person. Even when I went through puberty, my dick didn’t work. All my other friends, theirs worked and it was all they talked about. This was pre-Justin days. It was all about sex and girls, you know. I couldn’t have one and didn’t want the other. Justin tethered me back to a place where healing seemed easier with him because he didn’t push sex. It took a long time before he even mentioned it. Which confused me, because the first party I was at with him, he was snogging about everyone in a Spin the Bottle ring and making out with another chick. I only learned later that he had been on E. Eventually, we got there. Took time, though. He was so sick and I didn’t understand who he really was. When you meet someone and you fall for them, you want them like that. Sex and stuff. Just because the parts don’t work, doesn’t mean the heart doesn’t want it. Now, it probably feels like you’ll never experience that, so you’ll already be going through this weird premature grieving you don’t understand. All this, mate, I know what you’re going through and that’s why I’m here. I wanted to tell you I’m here for you if you need someone who gets that part of things. I’m sorry about Jett. Even if you chose it, it’ll still hurt. You guys seemed real tight.”
Zeke looked at Will through the tears, but his words just made him cry more. He desperately needed to hear them from someone who had lived through this. “We were. Are,” he corrected, still trying to ebb the flow of tears but they were happening now, and they were the kind you couldn’t brush off easily. “I-It wasn’t even awful. I thought I might really hurt him, but he got it. We didn’t fight. He was amazing, said he understood. But I’m scared he was just telling me that. And I don’t even feel better because I did it. Not that I was doing it to feel better. Nothing like that. I know I can’t feel better right now. I just can’t think of anything but this. I wish I wasn’t in here. I wish there wasn’t a chance I could die. I want to be out there with all you guys, having fun. Because I don’t even care if everyone else can have sex but me. I like seeing everyone happy like that, and in amazing relationships. I laugh at all the sex jokes. Hell, I’m sure I pretty much give myself a hernia laughing every time Sky’s around. But I can’t just pretend I don’t have cancer. I can’t push it out of my mind and stop it. I don’t want to drag anyone down, make them feel miserable. Which is exactly what I’m doing with you right now. I’m so sorry. You’ve probably been through a lot lately, facing J getting engaged and figuring out how to feel seeing him with someone else. Did you guys get that far? Like, maybe thinking about getting engaged and stuff? Tell me something cool about you so I can get to know you. I need the distraction, trust me.”
Will got up and stuck his head out the door of the room. He flagged a nurse to bring some tissues, and she delivered them right away. He took his seat again and didn’t hesitate taking Zeke’s hand again. It was a gesture of support and companionship, but it was also comfort. When there was cancer, all comfort was welcome. He knew that. It didn’t matter that they hardly knew each other, they knew cancer and that was more powerful than they wanted to admit. “Have some water too, mate. It’s okay, you can talk to me about anything. I won’t always know what to say, but I can listen. And trust me, how badly I destroyed things with Justin, I owe listening to someone to make up for not hearing him. I’ve been realising all this stuff myself since I got back. How awesome you all are, how much fun. All that shit I should’ve been not taking for granted before. But, you know, when you’re the one with cancer, we think we’re going to be a burden on everyone, and drag everyone down. That’s not really how it works, though. Same as Justin being sick doesn’t work that way, even if his brain makes him believe it. When really, the people who care about us just love us and need to feel the pain with us. They also want us there when good things happen. They don’t get exactly how it feels for us because they don’t have the diagnosis, but they feel pretty damn close. Do you think Sasha didn’t really get what it was like for Andi? Because all I’ve heard about him, it seems he felt everything with her. It didn’t deter him ever wanting to be there for her, did it? And that’s where I failed with Justin. I didn’t stay there for him, physically or emotionally, despite the pain. We never got that far, no. We were too young, sure. But I wasn’t as strong for him when he needed it as Sasha is. Not even close. He would’ve laughed in my face if I even suggested it. I was deluded, though. I assumed he would always just be there. He’ll tell people I wasn’t instrumental in Bondi, but I was. It was one of the worst episodes he was having in the whole time I knew him, and I wasn’t there. Something cool? Well, um… I’m trying to write a book. It hasn’t been going well, though.”
Zeke grabbed a handful of tissues to wipe his eyes and nose, and sipped some of his water. Listening to Will talk was a good distraction from his erratic emotions. He realised he had the luxury of Justin’s side of the story, but Will’s side hadn’t been something he felt welcome to know. When Will came back, he just assumed the guy fucked up - a lot - and probably had his side, but Sasha was Zeke’s best friend, so he was closer to Justin by default. And Justin never said a bad word against Will. He always just said things went bad and Will couldn’t handle what was going on. He also emphasised that any feelings he had for Will had gone even before they officially split up. “Do you still love him?” he asked, not sure if that was an off-limits questions. When Will showed up again, Sasha didn’t even baulk. He wasn’t upset or worried. Because he had every faith that he was Justin’s Number One and their relationship was strong. Zeke admired Sasha deeply in that moment. But it did indicate Justin was well and truly over his ex. “Did you see the video of him at Bondi? How did you feel when you heard what happened? Sorry, I’m throwing a billion questions at you. You’re a writer? Man, that’s awesome. What’s your book about? Writer’s block, huh? It’s really nice you came to visit me, dude. I’m sorry if all this is bringing back bad memories of when you were sick. I hate that too. Being a trigger for other people who have survived it. Or at least, feeling like one. Beau tells me I’m not. It doesn’t work like that, but I still worry. Guess that’s my biggest worry of all beyond being scared I’ll die… it’s that I’ll impact on other people living their lives as normal. I don’t want to be a glitch in their matrix, because so many great things are happening for them.” But because crying wasn’t embarrassing enough, he was going to sit there and throw up all over himself. He didn’t get the sick bag to his mouth quick enough and made a mess of his gown. It was one of those bouts where it felt like his stomach was trying to dislodge itself, no matter how empty is was, he still kept retching. Thankfully, Will grabbed the nurse call button and Beau was here a few moments later, followed by Zander, the nurse taking care of him that shift.
Will wasn’t bothered by Zeke being sick, he just felt awful for him. He stuck close while Beau and Zander helped him. Zander took care of the things like getting Zeke cleaned up and changing his gown. In the middle of the vomiting, Beau helped him shift over onto one side and massaged the back of his neck through the bout. That was when Will noticed Zeke was actually puking blood. Not a whole lot, but enough to be scary to witness. Beau wasn’t freaking out in a doctor panic, though, so it must be one of the general symptoms of the type of cancer Zeke had. Throwing up was painful for Zeke. He seemed to be in agony. Beau injected some medication into Zeke’s IV, probably to help stop the sickness. Mostly, it just seemed a case of waiting it out and by the time it eased, Zeke looked totally wiped out. The mess was cleaned away and Beau put Zeke on some oxygen. Will stood back at the end of the bed, nursing the box of tissues like a security blanket. “D-Do you need me to leave?” he finally asked.
Zander was carefully drawing the clean blankets he just put on the bed over Zeke who was still lying on his side but with the head of the bed elevated. Beau was checking his obs. “Do you want to?” Zander asked him.
“No…” Will cleared his throat, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I just know how embarrassing this stuff is and… and he’s in an epic fuckton of pain.”
“Come sit and keep him company while it passes. Just buzz again if it happens again,” Beau murmured and pulled the chair back up to Zeke’s bedside.
Will hesitated for a moment or two, but soon took his place on the chair again. Zeke was still on his side, a couple of pillows tucked under his head. Beau must have shifted him off the side he had the surgery. He thought Zeke was sleeping because his eyes were closed and he was still. But he soon opened his eyes and Will gave him a soft sympathetic smile. “Tough gig,” he said softly. “Is it really bad pain?”
“It was. But morphine, good shit…” Zeke mumbled behind the oxygen mask and gave Will a brief thumbs-up. “Sorry if that all freaked you out. Wouldn’t have blamed you if you wanted to piss off as quick as you could. Why didn’t you?”
“Because it didn’t freak me out? I just wished I could help in some way. Which, you know, I don’t blame you for thinking I should piss off because of what I did to Justin. I’m not that person anymore,” Will murmured. The way Zeke was lying, his gown was loose at the neck and he could see the central line port near his collarbone. That definitely brought back memories for Will. That damn thing stayed in for ages, even well after he was in remission because they leave it there so long in case you relapse and need medication again. “You were puking blood…”
Zeke gave a small nod. He didn’t want to move too much because he was still nauseous, but the medication Beau gave him was helping now. “The tumours bleed,” he explained, trying to figure out if he should elaborate, but the clinical stuff wasn’t really important. “When I throw up a lot, it can rupture them. It wasn’t so bad this time. It wasn’t the whole, like, literal semi-bloodbath coming out of me. Most of it was cauterized when I had surgery. Just… another horrible part, you know? You didn’t get a chance to tell me what you’re writing about.”
Will was surprised Zeke even remembered they were talking about this when he got sick and his eyebrows shot up. “Ah, it’s, um… the main character has cancer. And, uh… well, his best friend has bipolar. Had, I should say. Because I shelved that character after we broke up. Mostly, I was going to ask Justin to help me get that part accurate, but we broke up. Now I don’t feel worthy of it. I haven’t written anything of it since we broke up. Then I heard Sasha had a publishing deal, and I got jealous. Then hated myself for being jealous when I heard what his contract was actually for. Writing a biography of his dad’s life through Sasha’s eyes, which is incredible. It wasn’t so much writer’s block as self-sabotage.”
“Dude, you should still ask him. J, I mean. He would help you so hardcore. Don’t give up on your talent and dream just because you had a period of fucking up your life. Maybe that will make you a better writer anyway. Take it from a dude who has no clue - and never has - of what to do with his life. I never found my feet in my remission. I always just felt like I was still recovering. I’ve got no idea what dreams or ambitions I have. Maybe that was a sign that I won’t have the time anyway.” Zeke fell quiet, a trouble frown on his face. Fatigue blanketed him and he closed his eyes, concentrating on keeping his breathing even, because even that hurt his stomach. Soon, he opened them again and met Will’s gaze. “It sounds like a book I’d really like to read. If I make it in time to.”
Will’s mind felt like it was knotted up with a mix of thoughts. Talking to Zeke was grounding him and giving him so much to think about. He rubbed Zeke’s arm softly. “Well, maybe you could help me figure out my main character again,” he said, giving him a tiny smile. “But just rest now, okay? I’ll stick around and keep you company anyway, if you want me to.”
“I’d like that,” Zeke mumbled, eyes already weighted with gravity dragging the closed again. Morphine always made him woozy and the energy it took be that sick had to be equivalent of running a week of non-stop marathons. “You know, you’re not all that bad for a dude who punched my best friend.” Even if he still had the oxygen mask on, he managed a smirk at Will.
Will moaned, but it was with a laugh. “See? That’s why I was pretty sure you had every right in the world to hate me and not want to be near me. Just like I expected Justin and Sasha to. If it’s any consolation, I ended up in forced exile and therapy for that atrocious move and I never touched another drop of booze again. Sober me wanted to kick drunk me up the arse and string me up by my balls. I now know I couldn’t have picked a nicer dude as a victim. I still feel terrible about it.”
“Don’t. Life’s too fragile to hold grudges. That whole thing hurt Justin, Sasha and you. Think of all the energy and life minutes that took. Then compare it to how many just being kind and working through differences would have. You know, one day, Sasha compared mental illness to cancer. I wasn’t sure I understood the association until he pointed out to me that they can both take lives too soon. So, I think, in a lot of ways, you just misunderstood that Justin was fighting similar battles to you all along when the evidence was right under your nose the whole time.” Zeke closed his eyes again and let out a heavy breath. Exhaustion seeped through every inch of him. “I hope this time, I can beat it as well as J has.”
That hit home and Will felt teary. He didn’t let himself cry. This wasn’t about him, but the reality and truth in Zeke’s words impacted on him. Sasha was right, and put like that, Will could understand why he made that comparison. If only, like Sasha, he understood that way back when, he might still have Justin today. Though now, seeing Justin with Sasha, he knew he was never Justin’s soul mate. He was just a stopover experience. Watching as Zeke fell asleep, his heavy eyes falling shut and staying there, Will hoped that one day, he would figure this soul mate business out for himself and find the person he was meant to be with. And this time, he wouldn’t fuck it up.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Kindness & Understanding
Where: Oncology Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this
Will looked at the simple but sweet bunch of coloured tulips and gerbera daisies in his arm and then his gaze slowly mapped up to the sign hanging above him.
Pediatric Oncology Unit
He swallowed, drawing in a sharp breath and holding it for a few moments. Then he exhaled in a rush, shifting his weight from one foot to another. He wasn’t stalling, he was just doubting that he should even be here. It was evening, so he made sure his footfalls were soft on the linoleum heading in through the doors and past the Nurse’s Station. He didn’t make eye contact with any of the staff. It was hard enough pushing through to come here without needing to run into anyone he knew. Beau, Richie, Nate. Any of them. He adored them all, but he didn’t want to be reminded that he probably wasn’t welcome here.
So much was still clear in his mind. The PB time. Post-Breakup. When he was the biggest arsehole he could possibly be and hurt Justin and Sasha, hurt his friends, hurt their friends. Their friends including Zeke. Will still remembered when Justin stuck his neck out for him, contacting him to ask if he would talk to Zeke about his boner problems because he would understand what it was like, being a cancer survivor himself. He was supposed to have been someone Zeke could confide in, someone who could help him. Instead, he still had his head up his arse and did nothing to help. He was still rude and ignored Zeke when he tried to reach out. He was still bitter and miserable that Justin pulled the plug on their relationship. Still felt blame towards Sasha for being a better boyfriend than him and being perfect in all the ways Will wasn’t. Zeke ended up collateral damage with that, because he was one of Sasha’s closest mates.
Will was sure Zeke would never want to talk to him again. Since returning to New York, at all the gatherings Will had been welcome to on his journey of trying to make amends and reconnect with the squad, Zeke had ignored him. At least, so Will thought. Not even Justin or Sasha ignored him. They had worked together to find a middle ground. Will had sort-of started seeing Blaize, but they hadn’t labelled it as anything official yet. Will still felt like Blaize was out of his league and Blaize was clearly feeling like he needed to reassure Will of the opposite quite frequently. What was wrong with him? He didn’t quite know. But it felt like Zeke was avoiding him. He didn’t speak to him, never really acknowledged him. Granted, every time they had been in a squad hangout, Zeke was mostly occupied by his boyfriend, Flynn’s son, Jett.
That was why he was sure this would end badly. Zeke wouldn’t want him around, fellow cancer survivor or not. Will had been shaken by the news that Zeke’s cancer had returned. It freaked him out and caused him to have a panic attack in the middle of babysitting Milo one afternoon. He had to call Luke for help and Luke rushed home from the bar to him. They talked. A lot. It helped. What came of it was Luke convincing him that he needed to reach out to Zeke this time, and this time, not be a dick about it. Especially now, when Zeke would need all the support and understanding he could get. It had just been such a stark reminder that remission wasn’t guaranteed to stay. Cancer could always come back.
He had been too scared to ask Sasha how Zeke was doing too. Things might be better in general with the whole situation and since Justin had gotten engaged, it had given Will a lot of closure that he needed. But he didn’t want Sasha to think he was sticking his nose in where it wasn’t wanted. He asked Blaize, who didn’t directly know how Zeke was because he had been having a bad run with chemo. That’s all he knew, and was able to relay Zeke’s room number. Apparently Sasha visited Zeke every day, even if it was only for a little bit. Just like he had with his BFF before she passed away. Will knew he could learn a lot from his successor of the owner of Justin’s heart.
This unit was one he knew maybe better than any other place in the world. He had been so focused on getting to the room that he nearly slammed right into Beau coming out of one of the rooms. “Whoa, there! We didn’t keep you alive to go and get yourself killed in the corridor,” Beau said, giving him a smile. “You know, once we kick your ass out of this place, you’re not supposed to come back.”
Will couldn’t not smirk at Beau’s comment, but as soon as it appeared, the reality dragged his face back into the mask of concern and anxiety. Beau was Will’s doctor. Whenever he needed those routine follow-ups to make sure he was keeping well, Beau was who he saw. But he had convinced himself Beau must hate him for what he did to Justin. Until Beau called him on how he was acting and they talked it out. Beau told him that the thing about self-deprecation was that no one else but you was at the mic giving the voiceover in your head. No one was in there to correct you. It could turn into a monster. Talking it out with someone else was the only way to deal with it. “I, um… I’ve come to see Zeke. If he’d want me to, that is. He might not. I wouldn’t blame him at all if he didn’t.”
“Do you think how sick Zeke is that he’s thinking much about any past sins right now?” Beau reasoned quietly. He gave Will’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Go ask him yourself. If he says no, it’s not you. It’s just been a bad chemo week. I think he might be grateful of any moral support.”
Beau’s words hit home for Will. He stood there, staring as his face as they filtered into his mind. He wondered in that moment if that was maybe how Justin saw the world. Was that why he and Sasha had been so cool about his return? He made a note in his head to ask Justin about that one day. Beau always knew the right thing to say. “He’ll tell me if he’s not?”
“He’s been there before, buddy. He knows how this works.”
“Yeah, I get that it’s not like riding a bike. Doesn’t get easier the more you do it…” Will caught his lip between his teeth and took a few moments to study Beau. Beau had done it twice too. He survived it twice. He looked well now, but Will knew he had nearly died the second time. He shouldn’t have survived it. Bone marrow transplant ultimately pushed him through. Zeke didn’t have a type of cancer that could be helped with something like a bone marrow transplant, like Will and Beau had. This was something that they just had to hope chemo did the trick of reducing the tumorous tissue to the point it was no longer killing him. He heard everyone talking. Zeke had another serious surgery to remove a large tumour in his stomach. He had a stoma now and even if he survived cancer again, he might have that for the rest of his life. It was just a matter of seeing how well he recovered, if there was scar tissue, if he lost more functioning. Will knew he wasn’t an expert on any of this, but he knew he understood how hard chemo was. That was why he was here.
Beau ruffled Will’s hair. “But love takes a little bit of the sting out. You just give me a shout if he takes a bad turn. He’s going okay this evening. He had a bad day, though. Sash left a little while ago, so he’ll be glad of another distraction.”
“Beau?” Will said when the young doctor turned to leave him to it. He looked back and Will gave him a faith smirk, pointing. “You’ve got hickies.” He knew Beau’s marriage had crashed and burned, so he wasn’t sure what was going on here but it was reassuring for Will that if Beau could get back on his feet and be looking for love again, maybe Will would figure out how to manage it himself soon enough.
Will’s gut flip-flopped anxiously as he approached Zeke’s room. It wasn’t that he didn’t know what to expect. He did. Maybe that was what it was, he knew. But he didn’t, in any way, know Zeke’s subjective experience with cancer. Not this time and definitely not the last. He had witnessed Sasha chatting to some of their friends on Facebook (it was still surreal for him that Justin’s new love - now fiance - accepted his friends request on Facebook) about Zeke, and Sasha had the most sweetest, caring and respectful way about discussing it. Even if Will knew Sasha had that experience of losing someone to cancer, he understood more deeply now what he had gone through with Andi and how Justin would have fallen in love with him.
He knocked softly on the door, not wanting to assume Zeke wanted him to come in or stick around. One of the worst parts about cancer was how much dignity it stole. Some days, you just didn’t want to be touched or even looked at. Zeke looked so ill. The last time Will saw him in person, it was before any of this re-diagnosis hit, before Zeke even got sick. Though, the last time they were all together as a group, Zeke hadn’t been feeling well but thought it was just the general ongoing stuff he dealt with. “Hi, mate. I just wanted to drop by and see how you were. I don’t have to stay if you don’t want. These won’t help, I know, but they won’t make it hurt more than it already does, at least…”
Zeke’s current fight wasn’t just with cancer. It was with trying to keep in good spirits, despite the cancer. But this was still the Big C and inevitable, some days were just plain awful. Today had been one of those days. Chemo caused him a lot of pain. It gave him headaches, body aches, chest pains, a sore neck, and painful skin. It was early days, so his hair hadn’t fallen out yet. The nausea and vomiting started on Day Two, like clockwork. The kind of vomits where you literally had nothing in your gut to come up, but that didn’t stop it trying. He sipped water and sucked ice chips just so he had something to come out because it hurt more if there wasn’t. The heaving was painful and his throat was red-raw. There were drugs to counteract the sickness, but it sometimes took time to work, or multiple dosages to have any affect. He got upset with himself and had a massive cry earlier in the afternoon. He had enough of the shit and the painkillers had done little to ease the pain in his stomach. He must have cried himself to sleep because the next thing he knew, he woke up with his favourite blanket tucked around him with all the lights in his hospital room out. Sasha had been there when he started the sob-fest too, but he was gone when Zeke woke up.
Sasha had brought Andi’s guardian angel teddy bear to him. She had that fuzzball with her every single day during her battle with cancer, a gift from Sasha after she was diagnosed. When she passed away, apparently Andi left him back to Sash in her will for him and Justin to share. Sash told him when he brought him by earlier that day that he was so sure it was more than just a plush toy. Sash had those unexplainable vision-like dreams and unexplainable experiences. Zeke didn’t doubt for a second that she was watching over him, and Justin. He hoped like hell maybe he could tap into a little of that something right now. He knew if Andi had any control over it, she’d try like hell for him. But it was just a really bad day for him. Not just feeling sick and sore and emotional, but he hadn’t been sleeping well and it caught up.
When he woke, he felt a bit better. Zara and Niko were there, because his family, whether immediate or extended, took turns spending time with him here. They weren’t sure when he would be discharged yet. Tara said she wanted to see how he went with the first chemo round to assess how to manage him this time around. They couldn’t assume it would be the same as before. Will was the last person he expected to be here. He barely even knew the guy. He knew he was back and had been making amends. Zeke didn’t hate him or anything like that. He didn’t know him well enough. Will hadn’t wanted to help him in the past when he was offered as an option and that was fine. But Zeke was inevitably surprised to see him here now. “Wow, did you draw the squad short straw or something?” he joked, knowing he looked like hell so he may as well use humour to make up for it.
“Nah, it’s self-imposed exile,” Will joked back, stepping into the room with a gentle smile. From the amount of visitors chairs sandwiched into the private hospital room, Zeke had plenty of visitors. He didn’t need Will and even as the conversation opened, Will reminded himself Zeke might not want him to visit either. Still, Zeke didn’t tell him to piss the fuck off. “I just… well, mostly I wanted to offer my support as someone who’s been there. I just wasn’t sure if you would want much to do with me. I couldn’t quite tell if you’ve given me the cold shoulder since Justin gave me the green light to come back into the mix, or if it was more indifference. I know that one time you asked me for help, I was a cunt about the whole situation. Not that I want to make this about me. That’s not why I’m here either.”
“I’m glad I know it isn’t chemo that causes that level of over-thinking, dude. Take a seat.” Zeke gave a little nod at the nearest chair. It was true, he had a lot of visitors crammed in here sometimes because he had a massive family. But he also had an epic tribe of epic friends too. He was glad, because he needed all the epic he could get right now. He didn’t care what colour, shape, or size it came in. “No cold shoulder. I just don’t really know you, dude. Or at all. I didn’t know you back then either, which is why I didn’t take any offense when you didn’t follow through. It wasn’t exactly the best situation, considering what was going on. Considering Sash wanted you to trip and fall off something tall onto something sharp and spiky. But this time around? I guess I was waiting for Sash’s cues. Mostly, I just roll with shit. It wasn’t anything against you. We were all just protective of J, you know? How he’d go with it. It’s nice you came here, though. You get it. How fucking crap it all is. Sorry in advance if I start getting sick or anything. Still trying to get used to chemo again.”
Will shook his head, accepting the offer to sit down. Zeke had loads of flowers already. And feel better balloons, plush toys, many cards. It was an honour that his could join the bunch. He remembered when he was in hospital those many times, how the simple things like get well gifts meant because they brightened up an otherwise horrible day. “No apologies needed. I understand. I’m not squeamish with that sort of stuff. But I know it can be embarrassing when it happens with an audience. You can tell me to go anytime you need. Right now, even. Justin gave me a lot of time and understanding I didn’t deserve when I came back. I think it would’ve been easier if he just hated me. Have they, um… given you any sort of prognosis? Beau’s your doctor. He and Tara are the best in the world. You’re in good hands. I didn’t have Beau first time around, but I see him now for monitoring. He and Luke are good friends.”
“Yeah, J’s a sweet guy. It was nice to know he was in good hands once Andi was ready to go. But, you know, when stuff like this happens, reliving past mistakes doesn’t seem so important anymore. No real prognosis yet. Just got to wait to see what the chemo does. If it shrinks what’s left of the tumours. To be honest, I don’t think I’ll make it this time.” Zeke fell quiet, looking down at his hands resting on his chest. Nothing like multiple IV lines to make you feel like a sick person. “I haven’t said that to anyone. I don’t want to upset them. I know you probably get it, though. I feel so much more sick and tired this time around. But, Beau. He did it. He keeps reminding me it’s not a lost cause, I guess.”
“Not even Jett?” Will asked, pulling his chair closer to Zeke’s bed. Zeke’s voice was weak and hoarse. Probably a mix of throwing up a lot and a chemo symptom. Will remembered the sore throats and how even talking could exhaust you. It was a fatigue like no other. If he was closer, Zeke didn’t have to strain as much to talk to him. “Not even Sasha? I thought he would be the one who got it most of all. I know feeling like you have no fight. You honestly feel too sick for anything. Even talking, drinking, peeing. Feeling like tomorrow might not come. I was pretty young when I had it. Just a kid. I remember it all, though. Plus the terror it might come back when you go into remission. Fuck, that caused a lot of issues with Justin. It’s why we broke up the first time. How many tumours have you got left? They said you might need the stoma for good now. That’s hard, mate. I bet it hurts a lot, feeling like you’re losing your dignity. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you out with the sex thing last time. I didn’t feel worthy to. Like I had no right thinking I knew better than you. And I was angry that I had to try to pretend everything was all good when it felt like my heart was being ripped out seeing Justin loving Sasha when I thought he was the love of my life…”
Zeke watched Will’s face as he talked and then gave him a hint of a smile. “Well, I’ve got cancer, so I won’t hold being a dick against you. I broke up with Jett. I can’t even tell you exactly why. Everything just feels too hard. Partly, I don’t want to be a burden. But we haven’t had sex. I can’t get it up no matter what I do. I was working on accepting there could be other ways when I got sick. I don’t know how long all this will last. There’s no guarantee I’ll make it through either. I know I could tell Sash but he’s so worried already. Like, I know what to do with this the first time around, but I don’t the second. It feels so different this time. It’s not like, oh, you’ve had cancer before, it’ll be a breeze this time. It’s not. I think it’s worse. There’s still part of the larger tumour and patches of smaller ones. It’s so much pain,” he said and his words got caught up in a small sob. Shit, he didn’t mean to get upset here. Despite painkillers, he still had a lot of pain and this aching unrelenting nausea. Crying often made him throw up, and he didn’t want to do that either. He brushed his fingers over his eyes, sniffling. “Sorry. This is awkward.”
“No, it’s not,” Will murmured. He put his hand on Zeke’s arm and then, without thinking too much on it, took his hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “Don’t try to hold it back. You’ve got every reason in the world to cry. And even if you can’t verbalise it, I know all about that general feeling of confusing and apprehension where it feels impossible to try to work life out because you don’t even know if you’ll be allowed to keep it. I’m sorry the whole sex thing has been so hard. I won’t walk on eggshells with it, because I know it’s not what you would want with your friends. You don’t want anyone treating you with kid gloves just because you’re sick. You just want them to keep treating you the same as always. Sex is real great when you find the right person. Even when I went through puberty, my dick didn’t work. All my other friends, theirs worked and it was all they talked about. This was pre-Justin days. It was all about sex and girls, you know. I couldn’t have one and didn’t want the other. Justin tethered me back to a place where healing seemed easier with him because he didn’t push sex. It took a long time before he even mentioned it. Which confused me, because the first party I was at with him, he was snogging about everyone in a Spin the Bottle ring and making out with another chick. I only learned later that he had been on E. Eventually, we got there. Took time, though. He was so sick and I didn’t understand who he really was. When you meet someone and you fall for them, you want them like that. Sex and stuff. Just because the parts don’t work, doesn’t mean the heart doesn’t want it. Now, it probably feels like you’ll never experience that, so you’ll already be going through this weird premature grieving you don’t understand. All this, mate, I know what you’re going through and that’s why I’m here. I wanted to tell you I’m here for you if you need someone who gets that part of things. I’m sorry about Jett. Even if you chose it, it’ll still hurt. You guys seemed real tight.”
Zeke looked at Will through the tears, but his words just made him cry more. He desperately needed to hear them from someone who had lived through this. “We were. Are,” he corrected, still trying to ebb the flow of tears but they were happening now, and they were the kind you couldn’t brush off easily. “I-It wasn’t even awful. I thought I might really hurt him, but he got it. We didn’t fight. He was amazing, said he understood. But I’m scared he was just telling me that. And I don’t even feel better because I did it. Not that I was doing it to feel better. Nothing like that. I know I can’t feel better right now. I just can’t think of anything but this. I wish I wasn’t in here. I wish there wasn’t a chance I could die. I want to be out there with all you guys, having fun. Because I don’t even care if everyone else can have sex but me. I like seeing everyone happy like that, and in amazing relationships. I laugh at all the sex jokes. Hell, I’m sure I pretty much give myself a hernia laughing every time Sky’s around. But I can’t just pretend I don’t have cancer. I can’t push it out of my mind and stop it. I don’t want to drag anyone down, make them feel miserable. Which is exactly what I’m doing with you right now. I’m so sorry. You’ve probably been through a lot lately, facing J getting engaged and figuring out how to feel seeing him with someone else. Did you guys get that far? Like, maybe thinking about getting engaged and stuff? Tell me something cool about you so I can get to know you. I need the distraction, trust me.”
Will got up and stuck his head out the door of the room. He flagged a nurse to bring some tissues, and she delivered them right away. He took his seat again and didn’t hesitate taking Zeke’s hand again. It was a gesture of support and companionship, but it was also comfort. When there was cancer, all comfort was welcome. He knew that. It didn’t matter that they hardly knew each other, they knew cancer and that was more powerful than they wanted to admit. “Have some water too, mate. It’s okay, you can talk to me about anything. I won’t always know what to say, but I can listen. And trust me, how badly I destroyed things with Justin, I owe listening to someone to make up for not hearing him. I’ve been realising all this stuff myself since I got back. How awesome you all are, how much fun. All that shit I should’ve been not taking for granted before. But, you know, when you’re the one with cancer, we think we’re going to be a burden on everyone, and drag everyone down. That’s not really how it works, though. Same as Justin being sick doesn’t work that way, even if his brain makes him believe it. When really, the people who care about us just love us and need to feel the pain with us. They also want us there when good things happen. They don’t get exactly how it feels for us because they don’t have the diagnosis, but they feel pretty damn close. Do you think Sasha didn’t really get what it was like for Andi? Because all I’ve heard about him, it seems he felt everything with her. It didn’t deter him ever wanting to be there for her, did it? And that’s where I failed with Justin. I didn’t stay there for him, physically or emotionally, despite the pain. We never got that far, no. We were too young, sure. But I wasn’t as strong for him when he needed it as Sasha is. Not even close. He would’ve laughed in my face if I even suggested it. I was deluded, though. I assumed he would always just be there. He’ll tell people I wasn’t instrumental in Bondi, but I was. It was one of the worst episodes he was having in the whole time I knew him, and I wasn’t there. Something cool? Well, um… I’m trying to write a book. It hasn’t been going well, though.”
Zeke grabbed a handful of tissues to wipe his eyes and nose, and sipped some of his water. Listening to Will talk was a good distraction from his erratic emotions. He realised he had the luxury of Justin’s side of the story, but Will’s side hadn’t been something he felt welcome to know. When Will came back, he just assumed the guy fucked up - a lot - and probably had his side, but Sasha was Zeke’s best friend, so he was closer to Justin by default. And Justin never said a bad word against Will. He always just said things went bad and Will couldn’t handle what was going on. He also emphasised that any feelings he had for Will had gone even before they officially split up. “Do you still love him?” he asked, not sure if that was an off-limits questions. When Will showed up again, Sasha didn’t even baulk. He wasn’t upset or worried. Because he had every faith that he was Justin’s Number One and their relationship was strong. Zeke admired Sasha deeply in that moment. But it did indicate Justin was well and truly over his ex. “Did you see the video of him at Bondi? How did you feel when you heard what happened? Sorry, I’m throwing a billion questions at you. You’re a writer? Man, that’s awesome. What’s your book about? Writer’s block, huh? It’s really nice you came to visit me, dude. I’m sorry if all this is bringing back bad memories of when you were sick. I hate that too. Being a trigger for other people who have survived it. Or at least, feeling like one. Beau tells me I’m not. It doesn’t work like that, but I still worry. Guess that’s my biggest worry of all beyond being scared I’ll die… it’s that I’ll impact on other people living their lives as normal. I don’t want to be a glitch in their matrix, because so many great things are happening for them.” But because crying wasn’t embarrassing enough, he was going to sit there and throw up all over himself. He didn’t get the sick bag to his mouth quick enough and made a mess of his gown. It was one of those bouts where it felt like his stomach was trying to dislodge itself, no matter how empty is was, he still kept retching. Thankfully, Will grabbed the nurse call button and Beau was here a few moments later, followed by Zander, the nurse taking care of him that shift.
Will wasn’t bothered by Zeke being sick, he just felt awful for him. He stuck close while Beau and Zander helped him. Zander took care of the things like getting Zeke cleaned up and changing his gown. In the middle of the vomiting, Beau helped him shift over onto one side and massaged the back of his neck through the bout. That was when Will noticed Zeke was actually puking blood. Not a whole lot, but enough to be scary to witness. Beau wasn’t freaking out in a doctor panic, though, so it must be one of the general symptoms of the type of cancer Zeke had. Throwing up was painful for Zeke. He seemed to be in agony. Beau injected some medication into Zeke’s IV, probably to help stop the sickness. Mostly, it just seemed a case of waiting it out and by the time it eased, Zeke looked totally wiped out. The mess was cleaned away and Beau put Zeke on some oxygen. Will stood back at the end of the bed, nursing the box of tissues like a security blanket. “D-Do you need me to leave?” he finally asked.
Zander was carefully drawing the clean blankets he just put on the bed over Zeke who was still lying on his side but with the head of the bed elevated. Beau was checking his obs. “Do you want to?” Zander asked him.
“No…” Will cleared his throat, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I just know how embarrassing this stuff is and… and he’s in an epic fuckton of pain.”
“Come sit and keep him company while it passes. Just buzz again if it happens again,” Beau murmured and pulled the chair back up to Zeke’s bedside.
Will hesitated for a moment or two, but soon took his place on the chair again. Zeke was still on his side, a couple of pillows tucked under his head. Beau must have shifted him off the side he had the surgery. He thought Zeke was sleeping because his eyes were closed and he was still. But he soon opened his eyes and Will gave him a soft sympathetic smile. “Tough gig,” he said softly. “Is it really bad pain?”
“It was. But morphine, good shit…” Zeke mumbled behind the oxygen mask and gave Will a brief thumbs-up. “Sorry if that all freaked you out. Wouldn’t have blamed you if you wanted to piss off as quick as you could. Why didn’t you?”
“Because it didn’t freak me out? I just wished I could help in some way. Which, you know, I don’t blame you for thinking I should piss off because of what I did to Justin. I’m not that person anymore,” Will murmured. The way Zeke was lying, his gown was loose at the neck and he could see the central line port near his collarbone. That definitely brought back memories for Will. That damn thing stayed in for ages, even well after he was in remission because they leave it there so long in case you relapse and need medication again. “You were puking blood…”
Zeke gave a small nod. He didn’t want to move too much because he was still nauseous, but the medication Beau gave him was helping now. “The tumours bleed,” he explained, trying to figure out if he should elaborate, but the clinical stuff wasn’t really important. “When I throw up a lot, it can rupture them. It wasn’t so bad this time. It wasn’t the whole, like, literal semi-bloodbath coming out of me. Most of it was cauterized when I had surgery. Just… another horrible part, you know? You didn’t get a chance to tell me what you’re writing about.”
Will was surprised Zeke even remembered they were talking about this when he got sick and his eyebrows shot up. “Ah, it’s, um… the main character has cancer. And, uh… well, his best friend has bipolar. Had, I should say. Because I shelved that character after we broke up. Mostly, I was going to ask Justin to help me get that part accurate, but we broke up. Now I don’t feel worthy of it. I haven’t written anything of it since we broke up. Then I heard Sasha had a publishing deal, and I got jealous. Then hated myself for being jealous when I heard what his contract was actually for. Writing a biography of his dad’s life through Sasha’s eyes, which is incredible. It wasn’t so much writer’s block as self-sabotage.”
“Dude, you should still ask him. J, I mean. He would help you so hardcore. Don’t give up on your talent and dream just because you had a period of fucking up your life. Maybe that will make you a better writer anyway. Take it from a dude who has no clue - and never has - of what to do with his life. I never found my feet in my remission. I always just felt like I was still recovering. I’ve got no idea what dreams or ambitions I have. Maybe that was a sign that I won’t have the time anyway.” Zeke fell quiet, a trouble frown on his face. Fatigue blanketed him and he closed his eyes, concentrating on keeping his breathing even, because even that hurt his stomach. Soon, he opened them again and met Will’s gaze. “It sounds like a book I’d really like to read. If I make it in time to.”
Will’s mind felt like it was knotted up with a mix of thoughts. Talking to Zeke was grounding him and giving him so much to think about. He rubbed Zeke’s arm softly. “Well, maybe you could help me figure out my main character again,” he said, giving him a tiny smile. “But just rest now, okay? I’ll stick around and keep you company anyway, if you want me to.”
“I’d like that,” Zeke mumbled, eyes already weighted with gravity dragging the closed again. Morphine always made him woozy and the energy it took be that sick had to be equivalent of running a week of non-stop marathons. “You know, you’re not all that bad for a dude who punched my best friend.” Even if he still had the oxygen mask on, he managed a smirk at Will.
Will moaned, but it was with a laugh. “See? That’s why I was pretty sure you had every right in the world to hate me and not want to be near me. Just like I expected Justin and Sasha to. If it’s any consolation, I ended up in forced exile and therapy for that atrocious move and I never touched another drop of booze again. Sober me wanted to kick drunk me up the arse and string me up by my balls. I now know I couldn’t have picked a nicer dude as a victim. I still feel terrible about it.”
“Don’t. Life’s too fragile to hold grudges. That whole thing hurt Justin, Sasha and you. Think of all the energy and life minutes that took. Then compare it to how many just being kind and working through differences would have. You know, one day, Sasha compared mental illness to cancer. I wasn’t sure I understood the association until he pointed out to me that they can both take lives too soon. So, I think, in a lot of ways, you just misunderstood that Justin was fighting similar battles to you all along when the evidence was right under your nose the whole time.” Zeke closed his eyes again and let out a heavy breath. Exhaustion seeped through every inch of him. “I hope this time, I can beat it as well as J has.”
That hit home and Will felt teary. He didn’t let himself cry. This wasn’t about him, but the reality and truth in Zeke’s words impacted on him. Sasha was right, and put like that, Will could understand why he made that comparison. If only, like Sasha, he understood that way back when, he might still have Justin today. Though now, seeing Justin with Sasha, he knew he was never Justin’s soul mate. He was just a stopover experience. Watching as Zeke fell asleep, his heavy eyes falling shut and staying there, Will hoped that one day, he would figure this soul mate business out for himself and find the person he was meant to be with. And this time, he wouldn’t fuck it up.
LOG, COMPLETE