[ TEXT MESSAGE ] To Julian @ bitchpls

[asskickingblahniks]

Did you tell everyone I moved to France to marry a sugar daddy because I wanted a sex change and a cosmetic overhaul to look like a Ken doll?

Comments

[bitchpls]

Was that wrong? Oops.

[asskickingblahniks]

You bitch. I can't leave you alone with socialite networks, can I? You're married, you can't be out Bachelor of the Year again.

[bitchpls]

A queen should learn to never leave her castle, darling. While the cat's away. Pfft, my husband's hung like a fucking donkey. The only title I care about is the one he moans between the sheets.

[asskickingblahniks]

Just admit you were bored and trying to teach me to not be a cunt. You'e still the biggest queen of the universe, honeybunch. Still loving married life?

[bitchpls]

I have never known you to be a cunt. It was open field. Oh, I know. I definitely won't fall off my throne for any cunts, so you better be over it. I don't share spa days with cunts. More than I love being a bitch.

[asskickingblahniks]

Was this some Bros Before Hoes shit to protect Mark's honour? Because I'm fixing shit. At least, I hope so. I looked in the mirror and didn't like what was staring back at me. So, I have to de-cunt before you share a mani/pedi suite with me? Mean. You both well? Well-rested, and fucked-thoroughly?

[bitchpls]

Mark's a beast. He doesn't need anyone protecting his honour. Bad botox, darling? We talking about this :P Absofuckinglutely. Steam can breed germs. It might be catching. Harley's been a little up and down, so raincheck on both.

[asskickingblahniks]

Beast in spirit only right now. Have you got any wise bitch advice on how to best care for a sick partner? Bitch, please. I will never touch that shit. I don't want to look like a fish on steroids. How is he now?

[bitchpls]

Spirit and mind. He's working on a case for us where we're suing an investor, and he's still as sharp as ever. Just care the same as you would if they were well. There's no difference. He's working from home at the moment. The beauty of the job he does. He tires easily. But then, we both do.

[asskickingblahniks]

How did you ever turn into a relationship guru? You used to be a bigger slut than I was. Oh, how times have changed. Yet, I fucked everything up, and you didn't. Good, I'm glad. He can have all the flexibility he needs. What about you?

[bitchpls]

This one time, at band camp, I tripped and fell on a cock and decided to marry it. What the hell happened to you, though? Your ex is one of the most hung dudes in New York. Not too bad. I'm not dead, for which I am eternally grateful for.

[asskickingblahniks]

That is not half as exciting as marrying your guardian angel who saved your life, and just happened to be hung, you know. I lost my fucking mind, caught cowarditis and ran away like a dumbfuck. Oh yes, trust me, I missed his cock more than anything. Kidding. I missed my son, but his dad's cock was a close second. You okay?