Cassidy Mae Cohen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ifeelthelove) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2017-04-26 09:57 pm
ifeelthelove) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2017-04-26 09:57 pm
"Different names for the same thing."
Who: Cassidy Cohen and Justin Campbell
What: Friends Date
Where: Justin’s place, Upper East Side
When: Tuesday evening
True to his word, Justin met up with Cassidy for a friend-date. They went to The Paint Place and had a laugh while they chatted lightly, and then they went to an old record store and had a look around. Finally, they got ice cream and headed back to Justin’s place, where they were going to hang out up by the pool and chat for awhile.
It was nice to chill out with him. She had asked again if Sasha and Amarlie wanted to join them, but Sasha was already in his pyjamas and working on a big school assignment and Amarlie was watching a movie with Zenith and Asher. So, it was just the two of them, and even if Cassidy wasn’t quite sure why it was happening, she adored Justin and loved hanging out with him. He seemed quite well at the moment, and confirmed that when she asked him. The time away at the beach had been good, and even if he was tired from work, he felt stable and good that week.
Justin was already up on the roof sitting by the pool while Cassidy ducked to the bathroom. Dory was with him, sitting in his lap and snoozing when Cassidy got up there. Justin was stroking her little ears and looking at his phone. She sat down on the lounge beside his and watched him closely for a moment. “How did you know this is exactly what I needed?” she finally asked, after the question being on her mind all night.
“I’d say I’m psychic, but I’m pretty sure that’s Sash,” Justin joked. He put his phone down on the little outdoor table between them and picked up his chai latte. They got those at the coffee shop on the same block as home, and they made incredible ones with vanilla syrup. He had been watching Cassidy closely, especially trying to figure out if she was going to the bathroom after they ate anything. It seemed like she was, but maybe she just needed the bathroom? But she was in good spirits, so he didn’t know. He found himself comparing it to what he knew of Ajay, but Ajay battled it for many years, and he was better now he was married to Billy anyway. Still, he wanted to keep his word to Zenith and at least check. If she denied it, what then?
“Sash is psychic?” Cassidy asked, eyebrows shooting up. She nodded. “Yeah, I can see that. I bet he’s someone’s spirit animal. Or he was, like, Mother Teresa in a former life. Boy’s got the whole cute nurturer thing down. I’d say I can’t handle all these cute relationships around me, but I totally love it.”
Justin shrugged. “It’s a long story. He’s had these vivid dreams about things he couldn’t possibly know first-hand, and has these sensations of stuff. I don’t know, I believe in that stuff, you know? The things we can’t explain. I like the thought that maybe he and I were meant to meet. He’s definitely made me happy and I can feel I’m more stable in myself.”
“I can see it.” Cassidy smiled and reached over to hold Justin’s hand. She adored him. He was like another brother to her. He had this way of making people want to adopt him as a little brother. He was so strong and courageous, but at the same time, damaged and desperately needing to be taken care of. “I just watching all you couples together. The way you look at each other, and can’t get enough of just being together. Holding each other, being in love, laughing together. It looks amazing.”
Justin could hear the sadness in her voice. He had been seeing it in her eyes too. She went along happily, bubbly and friendly most of the time. But she was yearning for something inside. Belonging, kindness, companionship. He squeezed her hand softly. “Cas, I need to talk to you about something…”
It sounded serious. Cassidy was immediately nervous, and it must have been written all over her face. “Okay…” She wet her lips, trying to brace herself for some horrible news. Now matter how much her brain wanted to overthink all the worst case scenarios, she had absolutely no idea what he was about to say. “Have I done something wrong?”
“What? No, no. Nothing like that. I’ve just noticed something, and…” Justin paused. He wished he had called Billy up for some tips first. Billy had to confront Ajay in the past about his issues, way back before they started dating. And that all turned out for the best, even if they had manage challenges in their relationship.
“Oh my god, you know? Is it that obvious? Shit,” Cassidy was cursing, and put her hand over her face, already flushing a prominent shade of red in her cheeks. “Don’t worry, it’s just this dumb thing in my head, and it’s completely stupid. I’ll get over it.”
Justin was looking at her wide-eyed. She wasn’t denying it? Okay, now what? “Cas, you can’t just get over something like that. Do you want to talk about it? We can talk about it. But you have to know, there is help. There’s some great counsellors, and other people that know how to deal with this stuff.”
Cassidy dropped her hands from her face. “What? Counselling? Oh my god, I’m not that much of a freak that I’m going to start stalking him or anything! Fuck’s sake.” She was glaring at him now, getting defensive to the point her voice was becoming a little screechy. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure he’s gay, so it’s dumb anyway.”
“Huh?!” Justin cried, not completely lost and having no idea what the fuck was going on. “Who’s gay and you’re not stalking? What are you talking about?”
“You think I’m crushing on Merlin! Hang on, what are you talking about?” Cassidy asked, just as much in the dark about this as Justin, clearly. “I’ve been depressed and lost lately, I know. It’s just a rough patch.”
Justin had the deer caught in headlights look down right now. “I… you have a crush on Merlin?” Things he didn’t - at all - see coming: that. But he couldn’t blame her if she did. Merlin was one of the good guys. He was friendly, personable, easygoing. “How do you know he’s gay?”
“No!” Cassidy’s answer was a little too quick. Her arms had come to be folded over her chest like a protective shield. But she was troubled. It was written all over her face. She sighed, feeling the frustration at herself and her feelings building up. “Because he’s so nice and kind, and he says all the right things. Not because it’s what he thinks you want to hear, but because he means it. And I know I’m just really fucked up in the head that I want to be able to do all those nice things with someone that… that all the rest of you have. Why is it always a fucking fight for me? Why do I have to keep fighting and feeling like I don’t deserve it in the same way? I’m sick of feeling like that, Justin. I’m sick of not mattering, and I’m sick of feeling it’s because I’m trans and have to keep justifying why I should want it all too. I’m sick of looking in the mirror and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me to not deserve it. I’m sick of just being in limbo, wafting around in the middle of all these beautiful and amazing couples who look at each other like there is no one else in the world in that moment. I’m not settling anymore, or letting myself be treated like I don't matter for shit. Why can’t I have all that too? It hurts. And you know what? When he told me I was beautiful and unique, I believed him, because I knew he meant it and wasn’t just feeding me BS because he knows I’m trans and thinks I somehow need confirming I’m valid. And fuck you if you think I need counselling for it. Fuck you, Justin. I thought you were different.” She got up to leave. She was done fighting, especially with someone she thought was on her side. Apparently no one really was.
Justin was nearly in tears. He screwed up somewhere, but she was moving so quickly for him to be able to keep up. He didn’t know what was going on, he just knew he felt like shit for upsetting her, and felt guilty for apparently unknowingly rubbing her face in the fact he had a nice relationship and she didn’t. “Cas, I… I didn’t know you had a crush on Merlin. I wasn’t talking about that. I thought you might have an eating disorder. That’s all I was trying to talk to you about. I’m sorry. I would never think you needed counselling for something like that. Don’t you think I get it? The constant battle against yourself, feeling like no one will ever love you, and if they do, it’s out of sympathy or responsibility?” Even if it was obviously a miscommunication error, he was getting upset and the tears escaped before he could stop it. He brushed them away.
“I’m not… not…” Cassidy stopped. She was standing by the pool, looking back at him. She didn’t mean to make him cry, and now she felt like everything was fucked up, and she didn’t mean to mess it all up. “Not a crush on him. A crush on the idea of him. That someone who was going through hell, and really fucking hurting with it, still asked about me and talked to me. He said I helped him, and for once I felt like I got something right. And it had nothing to do with me being trans. Because you know what? Some of us don’t fucking want to always fly the pride flag. Okay? Some of us just want to feel plain old normal and blend in, and have a chance at being like everyone else. But we fucking can’t, because we have this giant target on our heads and everyone running around reminding us how different and bizarre we are! And for what? One piece of our fucking anatomy. I’m fucking tired, Justin. I don’t want fly the pride flag all the time, because it’s just one big fat gaping fuck of a label that I am different. I just want to be me. I want to be happy, and I want to have fun. I want a boyfriend who gives a shit to have deep and meaningful conversations with me. I want to hold his hand and not feel like I’m a dirty fuck for wanting it too. I want to be Cassidy. A really fucking scared girl who has no more idea how to deal with this world than anyone else… but just wants to know that’s fucking okay sometimes. And it’s fucking okay to want to be normal, even if normal doesn’t exist. It does in some way. It fucking does, and I want it. I want it so much I can’t even stand to look at myself anymore, because I just see freak staring back at me. I just want someone to pull me into their arms, cuddle me, and tell me it’s fucking okay to not be okay.”
Justin got up, placing Dory down on the sunlounge and went over to Cassidy. He pulled her into a hug. “It’s fucking okay to not be okay,” he murmured. Not just because she wanted to hear it, but because he knew better than anyone what it was like to just want to be normal. To not be okay, and have this constant pressure like you have to fall into line with someone else’s ideals. He knew what it was like to feel alone and miserable. And he hated that she was feeling it all right now. There would be a lot more she wasn’t saying beneath the surface, and he understood that too. “But let me ask you something. Where do you think I would be right now if I let Sash pass me by as thinking I was just crushing on the idea of him?”
Cassidy had started bawling, and she was clinging to him, because fuck did she need to held right now. Hugged, and held, and reminded that she wasn’t alone. She hadn’t even realised just how torn up inside she was until all those telltale signs were rearing their ugly heads. It was a rapid descent into Shitsville after that. This was how it was exhibiting, because she felt alone, but it was so much more at play than just wanting what everyone else had. That just happened to be something she really wanted. Not just to date, but to finding herself smiling and laughing simply because there was one person in the world who lit up her entire world at the times when it felt too hard to even put clothes on and keep pretending what she already felt like she was a farce trying to achieve. “Probably on a roof bawling your eyes out and bitching the shit out of the one person who has always had your back and been a true friend since you met them?” she sobbed. Justin got caught in the crossfire. Her defences had shot up. It was easier to feel anger than feel hurt and pain.
“Yeah. Feeling like my mental illness made me a horrible person that no one wanted to be around, and they were all just feeding me bullshit so they didn’t hurt my feelings. Thinking everything that went wrong was because I was psycho and I would never know again what happy felt like.” Justin kept hugging her. He hadn’t been able to ward off his own tears, but that was okay. It was okay to hurt with the people you cared about the most when they were in pain like this. Especially when you understood exactly what they were feeling because you had been there countless times yourself. “When we have brains that fuck up on us sometimes, we can’t always see shit how it really is. But you know when something stops being just an idea of something? Hope. You can’t give up hope, Cas. If your brain is fucking up on you again, don’t let it hold the reigns. Hand them over to your heart. It’ll steer you so much fucking better than your head can right now, because sometimes, our heart fucking knows shit we don’t even understand until we can see it more clearly. All this stuff Sash and I have, and all the other couples have? It takes two people to make it work. Nothing worth fighting for ever works one-sided. So, I’m not going to let you stand there and blame everything on you being trans and some horrible construction of fake girl lacking whatever it takes to have this. You’re not. You just need to find the person who fits you. When you do, you won’t even realise you’re still fighting, nor will you feel like you’re fighting alone.”
Cassidy was about to answer but she suddenly squealed and pulled back out of the hug just a bit. “Oh my god, she’s licking my toes!” She stepped back and looked down just in time to see Dory resting her head down on top of her foot. “Does she not want me to hug you? She’s never done that before.”
Justin shook his head with a little laugh. “No, it’s not that. She knows you’re sad or hurt. If she sits on your foot, she’s just wanting to be close to you. But if she puts her head down on your foot like that, she’s trying to tell you she wants to help. If she was trying to get your attention to help me, she would scratch at your feet and bark until you move.” He leaned over to pick Dory up, and then took Cassidy’s hand to lead her back over to the lounges so he could place Dory in her lap. “Let’s talk, Cas. C’mon. You know you can talk to me about all this stuff.”
Cassidy had no objections to having Dory close to her. She was a therapy dog, this was what she was put on this earth to do. It wasn’t just isolated to Justin either. She kept an eye on everyone in Justin’s world, like she was making sure they were okay so they could make sure he was. She made sure the puppy was steady on her lap and fished around in her handbag for some tissues that were always in there. She offered them to Justin first, and then took some for herself. She didn’t say anything. Mostly because she didn’t know what to say.
“Cas, it wasn’t me who noticed. It was Zen,” Justin wanted to explain. He had fucked up initially, and it stirred up a whole pile of shit Cassidy was already feeling rotten about inside. As much as he wanted to help people, he was only a kid himself. He could operate on his own experienced, and offer what he had learned along the way, but more often than not, he didn’t get it right. Maybe he should have noticed that Cas saw something special in Merlin, and maybe even vice-versa, but he had been so exhausted the night before, he fell asleep sitting up and literally face-planted his half-eaten donut.
“It’s not what it seems,” Cassidy said, shaking her head. She didn’t meet his gaze. Her eyes were lowered to Dory in her lap, one hand wringing the tissue through her fingers anxiously. Fuck, she had been thinking no one was paying attention to her at the beach house because they were all caught up in their little couplings and having a great time. Even when things weren’t on an even keel with Justin’s depression, or Zenith getting ill, they were still coupled off. “The hormones, they make me fat. Especially right after they’re put back in.”
Justin watched her, hesitating. He didn’t know how to navigate this conversation. Maybe Amarlie might have been the better option. The whole Girl Talk thing seemed pretty intense at times. He wouldn’t profess to know how to understand it. No matter how hard this was, Cas was one of his closest friends and even if he didn’t do a good job here, he owed it to her to try. That was why Zen hadn’t. He respected that he and Cas hadn’t known each other very long, and this was a private and personal thing. It was better attempted by someone she knew and trusted. “Zen walked in on you throwing up when he went to use the bathroom. He didn’t stay. He left before you realised he was there,” he explained quietly. “There’s help for this stuff. Look at Ajay. He’s doing so much better. But then, look what can happen if you don’t get help. I know it seems like it might be helping you, and that the hormones must be a giant arsehole to have to think about, but you can’t destroy yourself…”
Cassidy listened, but she soon shook her head again. “It’s not the same as Ajay. I just need to watch what I eat. I couldn’t do that out there at the beach. It was all junk food. I didn’t want anyone to think I was ruining the fun and being a buzzkill…” It was only half the truth. It was the truth she had convinced herself to justify that every item of food she put in her mouth felt like it was going to gain ten pounds. It felt like she could see herself gaining weight when she confronted her reflection in the mirror. That was always one of the side effects they would warn you about on the hormones. Weight gain. Many saw it a necessary evil, and it was a small price to pay to keep their body in align with how it was supposed to be born. For her, it just felt like one more thing people would judge her and ostracise her for. No matter where she looked, there were skinny girls looking all perfect and feminine. She felt like an imposter. She had gone so long feeling okay and all this stuff having been addressed and silenced. Now it had come surging back the older she got and the closer her surgery date approached.
“Cas, you’re sick,” Justin murmured. He didn’t want to keep plying her with what she should or shouldn’t be doing. She wasn’t denying it, she just didn’t seem capable of identifying the seriousness of it. Not because she was in denial, but because this was how it could be with a mental illness. She had never mentioned this part before, but that didn’t mean it had never been. All it could have meant was she didn’t want to admit to it, or talk about it. Maybe it was one more label she didn’t want to be shackled beneath when she was already strung up by them to the point they were crippling her self-esteem and self-worth?
“I don’t want to talk it,” Cassidy mumbled. She wanted to wind back the clock to where she was talking to Merlin and all the bad thought she had about herself melted away in the hours that passed so easily. She wanted to text with him more, because the conversation hadn’t felt like she was drawing teeth. One simple conversation of some lines of ping-pong texting, and she had smiled more than she had in days. But she knew that it really was the idea of him she was connecting to and engaging with. They hardly knew each other. He was just a shining light of kindness and compassion through an otherwise dark tunnel she found herself sailing through again. “I should probably go. School tomorrow.”
Justin relinquished his stronghold on trying to push her with a small nod. As much as he wished he could be the person to help her, maybe with all his own issues and not the best track record of dealing with them, he wasn’t the one to tell her how to suck eggs. Nothing about his mental illness said he was more of an expert on how to get help with them than she was. It was just two different situations, stemming from vastly different triggers. He didn’t want to keep upsetting her. “Will you talk to someone? Anyone? Zenith? The girls? Merlin…? Anyone that can help, it doesn’t matter who, or why. Please, just try to let someone help you.”
“I’m tired, Justin. I just want to go to sleep.” Cassidy stood up and handed Dory to him, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “Go enjoy that boyfriend of yours,” she added, giving him a small smile. But she made sure she left before he could see that yet again, more tears were filling her eyes.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Friends Date
Where: Justin’s place, Upper East Side
When: Tuesday evening
True to his word, Justin met up with Cassidy for a friend-date. They went to The Paint Place and had a laugh while they chatted lightly, and then they went to an old record store and had a look around. Finally, they got ice cream and headed back to Justin’s place, where they were going to hang out up by the pool and chat for awhile.
It was nice to chill out with him. She had asked again if Sasha and Amarlie wanted to join them, but Sasha was already in his pyjamas and working on a big school assignment and Amarlie was watching a movie with Zenith and Asher. So, it was just the two of them, and even if Cassidy wasn’t quite sure why it was happening, she adored Justin and loved hanging out with him. He seemed quite well at the moment, and confirmed that when she asked him. The time away at the beach had been good, and even if he was tired from work, he felt stable and good that week.
Justin was already up on the roof sitting by the pool while Cassidy ducked to the bathroom. Dory was with him, sitting in his lap and snoozing when Cassidy got up there. Justin was stroking her little ears and looking at his phone. She sat down on the lounge beside his and watched him closely for a moment. “How did you know this is exactly what I needed?” she finally asked, after the question being on her mind all night.
“I’d say I’m psychic, but I’m pretty sure that’s Sash,” Justin joked. He put his phone down on the little outdoor table between them and picked up his chai latte. They got those at the coffee shop on the same block as home, and they made incredible ones with vanilla syrup. He had been watching Cassidy closely, especially trying to figure out if she was going to the bathroom after they ate anything. It seemed like she was, but maybe she just needed the bathroom? But she was in good spirits, so he didn’t know. He found himself comparing it to what he knew of Ajay, but Ajay battled it for many years, and he was better now he was married to Billy anyway. Still, he wanted to keep his word to Zenith and at least check. If she denied it, what then?
“Sash is psychic?” Cassidy asked, eyebrows shooting up. She nodded. “Yeah, I can see that. I bet he’s someone’s spirit animal. Or he was, like, Mother Teresa in a former life. Boy’s got the whole cute nurturer thing down. I’d say I can’t handle all these cute relationships around me, but I totally love it.”
Justin shrugged. “It’s a long story. He’s had these vivid dreams about things he couldn’t possibly know first-hand, and has these sensations of stuff. I don’t know, I believe in that stuff, you know? The things we can’t explain. I like the thought that maybe he and I were meant to meet. He’s definitely made me happy and I can feel I’m more stable in myself.”
“I can see it.” Cassidy smiled and reached over to hold Justin’s hand. She adored him. He was like another brother to her. He had this way of making people want to adopt him as a little brother. He was so strong and courageous, but at the same time, damaged and desperately needing to be taken care of. “I just watching all you couples together. The way you look at each other, and can’t get enough of just being together. Holding each other, being in love, laughing together. It looks amazing.”
Justin could hear the sadness in her voice. He had been seeing it in her eyes too. She went along happily, bubbly and friendly most of the time. But she was yearning for something inside. Belonging, kindness, companionship. He squeezed her hand softly. “Cas, I need to talk to you about something…”
It sounded serious. Cassidy was immediately nervous, and it must have been written all over her face. “Okay…” She wet her lips, trying to brace herself for some horrible news. Now matter how much her brain wanted to overthink all the worst case scenarios, she had absolutely no idea what he was about to say. “Have I done something wrong?”
“What? No, no. Nothing like that. I’ve just noticed something, and…” Justin paused. He wished he had called Billy up for some tips first. Billy had to confront Ajay in the past about his issues, way back before they started dating. And that all turned out for the best, even if they had manage challenges in their relationship.
“Oh my god, you know? Is it that obvious? Shit,” Cassidy was cursing, and put her hand over her face, already flushing a prominent shade of red in her cheeks. “Don’t worry, it’s just this dumb thing in my head, and it’s completely stupid. I’ll get over it.”
Justin was looking at her wide-eyed. She wasn’t denying it? Okay, now what? “Cas, you can’t just get over something like that. Do you want to talk about it? We can talk about it. But you have to know, there is help. There’s some great counsellors, and other people that know how to deal with this stuff.”
Cassidy dropped her hands from her face. “What? Counselling? Oh my god, I’m not that much of a freak that I’m going to start stalking him or anything! Fuck’s sake.” She was glaring at him now, getting defensive to the point her voice was becoming a little screechy. “Anyway, I’m pretty sure he’s gay, so it’s dumb anyway.”
“Huh?!” Justin cried, not completely lost and having no idea what the fuck was going on. “Who’s gay and you’re not stalking? What are you talking about?”
“You think I’m crushing on Merlin! Hang on, what are you talking about?” Cassidy asked, just as much in the dark about this as Justin, clearly. “I’ve been depressed and lost lately, I know. It’s just a rough patch.”
Justin had the deer caught in headlights look down right now. “I… you have a crush on Merlin?” Things he didn’t - at all - see coming: that. But he couldn’t blame her if she did. Merlin was one of the good guys. He was friendly, personable, easygoing. “How do you know he’s gay?”
“No!” Cassidy’s answer was a little too quick. Her arms had come to be folded over her chest like a protective shield. But she was troubled. It was written all over her face. She sighed, feeling the frustration at herself and her feelings building up. “Because he’s so nice and kind, and he says all the right things. Not because it’s what he thinks you want to hear, but because he means it. And I know I’m just really fucked up in the head that I want to be able to do all those nice things with someone that… that all the rest of you have. Why is it always a fucking fight for me? Why do I have to keep fighting and feeling like I don’t deserve it in the same way? I’m sick of feeling like that, Justin. I’m sick of not mattering, and I’m sick of feeling it’s because I’m trans and have to keep justifying why I should want it all too. I’m sick of looking in the mirror and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me to not deserve it. I’m sick of just being in limbo, wafting around in the middle of all these beautiful and amazing couples who look at each other like there is no one else in the world in that moment. I’m not settling anymore, or letting myself be treated like I don't matter for shit. Why can’t I have all that too? It hurts. And you know what? When he told me I was beautiful and unique, I believed him, because I knew he meant it and wasn’t just feeding me BS because he knows I’m trans and thinks I somehow need confirming I’m valid. And fuck you if you think I need counselling for it. Fuck you, Justin. I thought you were different.” She got up to leave. She was done fighting, especially with someone she thought was on her side. Apparently no one really was.
Justin was nearly in tears. He screwed up somewhere, but she was moving so quickly for him to be able to keep up. He didn’t know what was going on, he just knew he felt like shit for upsetting her, and felt guilty for apparently unknowingly rubbing her face in the fact he had a nice relationship and she didn’t. “Cas, I… I didn’t know you had a crush on Merlin. I wasn’t talking about that. I thought you might have an eating disorder. That’s all I was trying to talk to you about. I’m sorry. I would never think you needed counselling for something like that. Don’t you think I get it? The constant battle against yourself, feeling like no one will ever love you, and if they do, it’s out of sympathy or responsibility?” Even if it was obviously a miscommunication error, he was getting upset and the tears escaped before he could stop it. He brushed them away.
“I’m not… not…” Cassidy stopped. She was standing by the pool, looking back at him. She didn’t mean to make him cry, and now she felt like everything was fucked up, and she didn’t mean to mess it all up. “Not a crush on him. A crush on the idea of him. That someone who was going through hell, and really fucking hurting with it, still asked about me and talked to me. He said I helped him, and for once I felt like I got something right. And it had nothing to do with me being trans. Because you know what? Some of us don’t fucking want to always fly the pride flag. Okay? Some of us just want to feel plain old normal and blend in, and have a chance at being like everyone else. But we fucking can’t, because we have this giant target on our heads and everyone running around reminding us how different and bizarre we are! And for what? One piece of our fucking anatomy. I’m fucking tired, Justin. I don’t want fly the pride flag all the time, because it’s just one big fat gaping fuck of a label that I am different. I just want to be me. I want to be happy, and I want to have fun. I want a boyfriend who gives a shit to have deep and meaningful conversations with me. I want to hold his hand and not feel like I’m a dirty fuck for wanting it too. I want to be Cassidy. A really fucking scared girl who has no more idea how to deal with this world than anyone else… but just wants to know that’s fucking okay sometimes. And it’s fucking okay to want to be normal, even if normal doesn’t exist. It does in some way. It fucking does, and I want it. I want it so much I can’t even stand to look at myself anymore, because I just see freak staring back at me. I just want someone to pull me into their arms, cuddle me, and tell me it’s fucking okay to not be okay.”
Justin got up, placing Dory down on the sunlounge and went over to Cassidy. He pulled her into a hug. “It’s fucking okay to not be okay,” he murmured. Not just because she wanted to hear it, but because he knew better than anyone what it was like to just want to be normal. To not be okay, and have this constant pressure like you have to fall into line with someone else’s ideals. He knew what it was like to feel alone and miserable. And he hated that she was feeling it all right now. There would be a lot more she wasn’t saying beneath the surface, and he understood that too. “But let me ask you something. Where do you think I would be right now if I let Sash pass me by as thinking I was just crushing on the idea of him?”
Cassidy had started bawling, and she was clinging to him, because fuck did she need to held right now. Hugged, and held, and reminded that she wasn’t alone. She hadn’t even realised just how torn up inside she was until all those telltale signs were rearing their ugly heads. It was a rapid descent into Shitsville after that. This was how it was exhibiting, because she felt alone, but it was so much more at play than just wanting what everyone else had. That just happened to be something she really wanted. Not just to date, but to finding herself smiling and laughing simply because there was one person in the world who lit up her entire world at the times when it felt too hard to even put clothes on and keep pretending what she already felt like she was a farce trying to achieve. “Probably on a roof bawling your eyes out and bitching the shit out of the one person who has always had your back and been a true friend since you met them?” she sobbed. Justin got caught in the crossfire. Her defences had shot up. It was easier to feel anger than feel hurt and pain.
“Yeah. Feeling like my mental illness made me a horrible person that no one wanted to be around, and they were all just feeding me bullshit so they didn’t hurt my feelings. Thinking everything that went wrong was because I was psycho and I would never know again what happy felt like.” Justin kept hugging her. He hadn’t been able to ward off his own tears, but that was okay. It was okay to hurt with the people you cared about the most when they were in pain like this. Especially when you understood exactly what they were feeling because you had been there countless times yourself. “When we have brains that fuck up on us sometimes, we can’t always see shit how it really is. But you know when something stops being just an idea of something? Hope. You can’t give up hope, Cas. If your brain is fucking up on you again, don’t let it hold the reigns. Hand them over to your heart. It’ll steer you so much fucking better than your head can right now, because sometimes, our heart fucking knows shit we don’t even understand until we can see it more clearly. All this stuff Sash and I have, and all the other couples have? It takes two people to make it work. Nothing worth fighting for ever works one-sided. So, I’m not going to let you stand there and blame everything on you being trans and some horrible construction of fake girl lacking whatever it takes to have this. You’re not. You just need to find the person who fits you. When you do, you won’t even realise you’re still fighting, nor will you feel like you’re fighting alone.”
Cassidy was about to answer but she suddenly squealed and pulled back out of the hug just a bit. “Oh my god, she’s licking my toes!” She stepped back and looked down just in time to see Dory resting her head down on top of her foot. “Does she not want me to hug you? She’s never done that before.”
Justin shook his head with a little laugh. “No, it’s not that. She knows you’re sad or hurt. If she sits on your foot, she’s just wanting to be close to you. But if she puts her head down on your foot like that, she’s trying to tell you she wants to help. If she was trying to get your attention to help me, she would scratch at your feet and bark until you move.” He leaned over to pick Dory up, and then took Cassidy’s hand to lead her back over to the lounges so he could place Dory in her lap. “Let’s talk, Cas. C’mon. You know you can talk to me about all this stuff.”
Cassidy had no objections to having Dory close to her. She was a therapy dog, this was what she was put on this earth to do. It wasn’t just isolated to Justin either. She kept an eye on everyone in Justin’s world, like she was making sure they were okay so they could make sure he was. She made sure the puppy was steady on her lap and fished around in her handbag for some tissues that were always in there. She offered them to Justin first, and then took some for herself. She didn’t say anything. Mostly because she didn’t know what to say.
“Cas, it wasn’t me who noticed. It was Zen,” Justin wanted to explain. He had fucked up initially, and it stirred up a whole pile of shit Cassidy was already feeling rotten about inside. As much as he wanted to help people, he was only a kid himself. He could operate on his own experienced, and offer what he had learned along the way, but more often than not, he didn’t get it right. Maybe he should have noticed that Cas saw something special in Merlin, and maybe even vice-versa, but he had been so exhausted the night before, he fell asleep sitting up and literally face-planted his half-eaten donut.
“It’s not what it seems,” Cassidy said, shaking her head. She didn’t meet his gaze. Her eyes were lowered to Dory in her lap, one hand wringing the tissue through her fingers anxiously. Fuck, she had been thinking no one was paying attention to her at the beach house because they were all caught up in their little couplings and having a great time. Even when things weren’t on an even keel with Justin’s depression, or Zenith getting ill, they were still coupled off. “The hormones, they make me fat. Especially right after they’re put back in.”
Justin watched her, hesitating. He didn’t know how to navigate this conversation. Maybe Amarlie might have been the better option. The whole Girl Talk thing seemed pretty intense at times. He wouldn’t profess to know how to understand it. No matter how hard this was, Cas was one of his closest friends and even if he didn’t do a good job here, he owed it to her to try. That was why Zen hadn’t. He respected that he and Cas hadn’t known each other very long, and this was a private and personal thing. It was better attempted by someone she knew and trusted. “Zen walked in on you throwing up when he went to use the bathroom. He didn’t stay. He left before you realised he was there,” he explained quietly. “There’s help for this stuff. Look at Ajay. He’s doing so much better. But then, look what can happen if you don’t get help. I know it seems like it might be helping you, and that the hormones must be a giant arsehole to have to think about, but you can’t destroy yourself…”
Cassidy listened, but she soon shook her head again. “It’s not the same as Ajay. I just need to watch what I eat. I couldn’t do that out there at the beach. It was all junk food. I didn’t want anyone to think I was ruining the fun and being a buzzkill…” It was only half the truth. It was the truth she had convinced herself to justify that every item of food she put in her mouth felt like it was going to gain ten pounds. It felt like she could see herself gaining weight when she confronted her reflection in the mirror. That was always one of the side effects they would warn you about on the hormones. Weight gain. Many saw it a necessary evil, and it was a small price to pay to keep their body in align with how it was supposed to be born. For her, it just felt like one more thing people would judge her and ostracise her for. No matter where she looked, there were skinny girls looking all perfect and feminine. She felt like an imposter. She had gone so long feeling okay and all this stuff having been addressed and silenced. Now it had come surging back the older she got and the closer her surgery date approached.
“Cas, you’re sick,” Justin murmured. He didn’t want to keep plying her with what she should or shouldn’t be doing. She wasn’t denying it, she just didn’t seem capable of identifying the seriousness of it. Not because she was in denial, but because this was how it could be with a mental illness. She had never mentioned this part before, but that didn’t mean it had never been. All it could have meant was she didn’t want to admit to it, or talk about it. Maybe it was one more label she didn’t want to be shackled beneath when she was already strung up by them to the point they were crippling her self-esteem and self-worth?
“I don’t want to talk it,” Cassidy mumbled. She wanted to wind back the clock to where she was talking to Merlin and all the bad thought she had about herself melted away in the hours that passed so easily. She wanted to text with him more, because the conversation hadn’t felt like she was drawing teeth. One simple conversation of some lines of ping-pong texting, and she had smiled more than she had in days. But she knew that it really was the idea of him she was connecting to and engaging with. They hardly knew each other. He was just a shining light of kindness and compassion through an otherwise dark tunnel she found herself sailing through again. “I should probably go. School tomorrow.”
Justin relinquished his stronghold on trying to push her with a small nod. As much as he wished he could be the person to help her, maybe with all his own issues and not the best track record of dealing with them, he wasn’t the one to tell her how to suck eggs. Nothing about his mental illness said he was more of an expert on how to get help with them than she was. It was just two different situations, stemming from vastly different triggers. He didn’t want to keep upsetting her. “Will you talk to someone? Anyone? Zenith? The girls? Merlin…? Anyone that can help, it doesn’t matter who, or why. Please, just try to let someone help you.”
“I’m tired, Justin. I just want to go to sleep.” Cassidy stood up and handed Dory to him, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “Go enjoy that boyfriend of yours,” she added, giving him a small smile. But she made sure she left before he could see that yet again, more tears were filling her eyes.
LOG, COMPLETE