"You were the one that they'd talk about around town as they put you down."

[likefatherlikeson]

Who: Justin Campbell and Cassidy Cohen
What: Deep-n-Meaningfuls
Where: Rehearsals & vocal training
When: Thursday

It was Sasha's birthday, but Justin had another charity concert coming up in a couple of weeks, and he would returning to the Footloose stage that Saturday night. He would do a night on, night off, for the next couple of weeks until he started to find his feet a bit better. It had been a big absence, full of stress and a couple of bad relapses. It took time for him to regain his strength. It meant he had to be putting in a good few hours of work at the moment to ensure he was properly conditioned to step back up into the saddle and take the reigns. He had three different vocal coaches who worked with him, a personal dance trainer, and a personal fitness trainer. On top of that, he did mental and emotional conditioning with a psychologist. Many people didn't realise how hard he worked to achieve what he did, but this was his life. This was what kept him living. That, and the fact he had recently fallen head-over in love for the second time in his life. He had been so sure lightning never struck the same place twice. He thought once things crashed and burned with Will, he would never have the confidence to trust his heart with anyone again.

But he had, and it happened to be said person's birthday that day. Sasha was on the road to recovery, but the hospital was letting him rest and sleep in the mornings as long as he needed, then getting him up later for lunch and to get him moving. Justin always went to the hospital after his training sessions to help Sasha walk a little up and down the corridors of the hospital. Because he had surgery on his gut, the abdominal muscles needed to strengthen again. He had time with Sasha in the afternoons, where they ended up napping together, and then he would go to the theatre for each show in preparation for getting back to his job... what he was put on earth to do.

That morning, he had company beyond his team. Cassidy outright ditched school, faking a stomach bug, and didn't seem to have any fucks to give about it. Justin couldn't blame her. He used to ditch school all the damn time, but he knew when he did it, there was always a reason. They hadn't had a chance to talk a lot these past couple of weeks, so they needed to catch up anyway. Justin was working through a rehearsal of Small Town Boy by Bronski Beat. He had falsetto in his vocal range, and this particular song really strengthened his higher range. It had always been a song he could identify with too. The concert he would be singing it for was one of the first for the new sister charity Presley was launching that was the brain child of Lewis. The lyrics were fitting for many LGBT+ young people who had to leave their homes, whether by choice or disowned, just to have the luxury of being themselves. Justin knew that when he came to New York to find his dad, his biggest absolutely horrific fear was that his dad might be homophobic. He would never know where he got the strength to actually knock on the door the day he met his dad, though granted, drugs and alcohol definitely gave him the confidence to do it.

Comments

[ifeelthelove]

Cassidy really didn't have any fucks to give about school. About much of anything lately. She had literally thrown in the fuck towel and stopped wondering why she should bother trying to be normal. She wasn't normal. She got that message loud and clear. Right now, she just needed to be near the one person who understood how that felt more than anyone. Her friendship with Zara had even waned in the last couple of weeks because Zara just bitched about how much boys were assholes and all gay for each other that she wanted to be a lesbian. Cassidy wasn't entirely convinced that perhaps Zara might actually be that deep down inside, but too confused and hurt to be ready to explore it yet. When Brody's name had begun to come up on conversation again, Zara was shitty. Understandably, but she wasn't the only one unlucky in love and wanting something special. She wasn't the only one feeling left out in the cold. Cassidy just needed space.

But not from Justin, because he was one of her favourite humans ever. Sitting here listening to him rehearse, she was taken back to the first time she ever heard him sing up close and personal. It was in Four Winds, and he sung one of her favourite songs, Chandelier. She knew in that moment why he was where he was in the theatre world - his voice was incredibly powerful. She knew now that his musical talent was so strong because his emotional and mental capacity was thwarted. It was funny how a mind, body and soul could work together like that. She hadn't heard him sing this high of a range before, and she was fascinated. He wasn't straining at all. His control was exceptional, there wasn't one weak note. Why were all the good ones gay?

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin knew that once he could again tackle a song like this and not be perspiring at the end of it, his vocals were back in the shape they needed to be for live theatre. When he finished the song, he was grinning and giving a little fist pump because he knew he was finally there. Especially when his main voice coach came over and gave him a high-five, followed by a hug and told him to take a break and have a drink. He was absolutely gagging to get back on stage and that was further proof he had healed and regained strength. When he wasn't quite there, he struggled all over with bad stage fright and self-doubt. That was why he had a team of trainers around him so they could monitor not just his physical and vocal strength, but how he was mentally responding to performing. That part was in the hands of his psychologist, who had given him the green light earlier that week to go back to work. Nate subsequently gave him the physical clearance. The only thing he needed now was his boyfriend to get out of hospital, and life would have a bit more equilibrium again.

He grabbed his water bottle at the same time as his cell phone, and was sending through a text to Sasha while gulping down some water with the straw. Sasha usually sent him a text when he woke up, and reported how he was feeling. He mustn't be awake yet. Because it was Sasha's birthday, Justin had been sending him through little messages and cute pictures all morning, just make sure Sasha knew how much he was thinking about him. He pulled one of the spare chairs over to where Cassidy was sitting and straddled it backwards. "Don't think I'm too busy to ask why you're ditching school. Not that I care if you're not at school. I'm not getting your high school diploma for you, but I care because I know there's got to be a reason."

[ifeelthelove]

Cassidy held up a paper bag. "Because I brought you cake for Sash's birthday, seeing as he can't eat any himself. What better excuse is there in this world for anything than cake?" She was only joking, and her smirk gave her away. Justin knew her, and she was perfectly okay with that. He had become one of the closest friends she ever had in her entire life, and she knew she was beyond lucky to have the opportunities with him. Not just because he was a superstar, but because his schedule was crazy. Even then, he wasn't always up to peopling, which meant that sometimes, a very select few people could be close to him. She never took for granted that he considered her one of those people. "Seriously, though, I got Sash a present, so I wanted to bring it to you to take to him. It sucks that he's in hospital for it, but we'll definitely make it up to him when he's out and feeling a little better."

She waved her hand. "It's actually honestly nothing in particular. It's a whole lot of stuff making me question things lately and I've come to the conclusion that I'm not settling for second best. If everyone else can explore themselves, then I want to too. And I don't exactly know what all that is, but maybe that's part of the process. So, this is me, not settling. I didn't want to go to school today. Fuck it. I have never ditched school in my life, so I don't care either. For one day, I don't care about it. You don't have to give me that look. I'm not losing my mind. I'm finding it. I'm sick of trying to pat everyone's asses in case I scare them with the trans boogers. If they can't handle it, they can piss off and leave me to doing things that make me happy and feel at least a bit mainstream. I have the same capacity to want the same sorts of things everyone else does. I'm not apologising to that. So, maybe that's exactly what I'm doing. Looking for those things."

[likefatherlikeson]

"You got me cake for my boyfriend's birthday?" Justin laughed, shaking his head as he took the bag from her to have a peek inside. It was Red Velvet, which was Sasha's favourite. He really liked how all his friends had easily accepted Sasha. He was now just part of the mix, and even if this was a blip in the system, he had been settling well into school. Cooper was bringing Sasha's schoolwork home for him. Sasha got really great grades, so it wouldn't be too much of a worry for him to need to recover after having his appendix out. "Aw, you got him a present? What did you get him? Originally, I was planning to have a surprise party for him. I might even still do that when he's better. Nothing like a surprise birthday party not near your birthday. But, um, I think it might be nice to have a get-together now Brody's back, you know? He's been going through a tough time, and he thinks everyone hates him. It's up to us to show him we don't."

He shook his head. "Too fucking right, Cas. You don't have to settle. But don't lose yourself in not settling. Sometimes, trying to find yourself doesn't look all that different to pushing parts of you away thaat actually matter. I don't doubt there's a process. Everyone has a process, especially at our ages. I've been trying to go through a whole process myself lately, but just play it safe, okay? For me? And for you. Don't do shit you'll regret later. Has something in particular brought all this on? Because I'm kind of getting a feeling this mind be something specific, but I can't quite work out what it is," he admitted, giving his nose a little scrunch because he felt like a clueless dude all of a sudden. "What sorts of things?"

[ifeelthelove]

"Well, I know you would do literally anything for him, so eating his birthday cake when he can't definitely falls into that category." Cassidy picked up the gift bag that was sitting under her chair and was grinning mischievously at him when she took out a t-shirt she bought online with I ♥ JUSTIN CAMPBELL on the front. Justin had a lot of official and unofficial merchandise out there, and this wasn't official, by any means, but she had laughed when she saw it, and knew it would be a great joke for Sasha for his birthday. "What do you think? It's a muscle shirt, so you can get some pretty awesome views in it. I've seen him take his shirt off Sky accidentally sprayed that can of Coke over him. You two both have nice bods."

She was joking with him, and took out the actual present for Sasha and showed it to Justin. "It's a real four-leaf clover in a keychain for him, to help with his stage fright now he's going to be working with you. I know you guys haven't made it public knowledge or anything yet, but he told me at school not long after you ask him. I know he's still scared, but he doesn't have to be. He has an amazing voice. It really suits yours," she explained with a smile. But there was something wistful around the edges of it. She was so happy for Justin and Sasha, they had something truly special. Maybe one day, she would find that too. She knew she didn't have it yet. Not even close. There was Owen, who kept trying to make all the right noises, but never followed through. Then, when she tried to be proactive about it and talk to him, it felt like she just told him she invented cancer or something. She didn't want to dwell on it, but hearing that all her other guy friends at lunch the other day talked extensively about sex, especially to their boyfriends, it hit a lot home for her. It was obviously because she was trans why it was so weird for her to try to do. "I've been playing it safe too long. I don't think it's a crime to want what other people have, is it? Or should I always, for the rest of my life, have to think about hurting other people's feelings for trying to be normal when so much of this world doesn't think I should be entitled to that? Truly, be honest with me. I'm sick of not having shit said to my face. What sort of things? Love, sex, a healthy relationship, wanting a boyfriend like you all have, wanting dates where I'm having so much fun, I forget I'm different, because it just doesn't matter. I want it to not matter, but maybe I'm just reaching. I don't know."

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin burst out laughing again when he took the shirt to have a look at it. This was just Cassidy's sense of humour. She was bright and saw the funny side in things. Unless, of course, her own depression was pulling her down and then she struggled to see anything bright. She could only see who she was as darkening everything, making her feel like she wasn't attractive or pleasant to be around. That couldn't be further from the truth. Justin knew if he was straight, Cas was the sort of girl he would probably be dating. But he had never been straight. Not even remotely close, not even curious. He had slept with older women so they would get him booze and drugs, and he also had skewed boundaries for older people back then after what happened to him as a kid. It had only been because he had been terrified they would kill him if he kept trying to say he was gay. "He would probably actually wear this as a joke, you know," he said with a snort of amusement. Sasha's sense of humour was definitely something that attracted him in the early days. The key chain was beautiful and he took it out of the box to have a closer look, smiling. "He's going to love this, Cas. He likes the things that have meaning. We were going to make the announcement, but then he got sick. We weren't sure how long he would be out of action, so we just decided to sit on it for a bit until he felt better."

When she was explaining, he was giving her a wry smile. "No, it's definitely not a crime. Because you're a normal teenager, Cas, and you think about that stuff. It's natural. Of course it is. You would be weird if you weren't thinking about it. But at the same time, you're not scared about it? The first time's a bit scary. And trust me, I have an idea of the way you'll be doing it, and it can hurt. I don't want you to be blindsided on that. You only have to ask Sasha. He got all nervous about telling me it hurt. So, you think you're, like, more advanced than Owen? I know you haven't been sure about that how thing, let alone how you feel about him. You don't want to just rush into your first time. Trust me, let it be special. You'll regret it otherwise. And the special is out of this world with someone you have feelings for," he told her and reached over to take her hand. "It shouldn't matter. With the right person, you wouldn't be stressing about any of this. That shouldn't be how it makes you feel."

[ifeelthelove]

Cassidy giggled and nodded. "Oh, yeah, I thought he might. You two are so cute together, but you laugh together a lot too. I think it's sweet. I can't even lie, I'm epic envious of it, but I promise it's not in a bad way. Just in a I want what you're having type of way, if that makes sense. But I love Sash. You did good there, dude. I saw the difference between you how you were in Sydney, so rock bottom and miserable, to how you started to get this little spark of Justin back in you after you met him, and that little bright light in your eyes began to come back. On the face of it, I know it seems like you guys hit it off right off and started to date quickly, but I know for a fact it wasn't like that. I know you were just there for each other when you really needed it, and as a result, you started to develop feelings for each other because you made each other feel good in bad times. I think that's what it's all about, you know? That's the realistic fairy tale right there. Not magic and swords, and dragons and white knights. Just kindness and love. Being the sort of person you want to see more of in the world." She had done so much thinking lately. About herself, about her friends, about where she fit in the world. It had been a huge privilege for her to see Justin end something that was hurting him deeply and find something new that made him happy again. She knew he probably didn't realise how much hope that gave to other people. "How did you convince him to say yes? He was so terrified on the stage."

He was like the second coming of Dumbledore and Yoda all rolled into a neat little style icon package. She didn't even have to try to pluck up the courage to have this conversation. He followed the breadcrumbs that let him here, and stepped up to the plate. What better quality did you need in one of your best friends? "Were you scared your first time? Like, did you feel nervous the first time with Sash, because it was new and all?" she asked, because this is what she needed so badly. She had just come to feel like she had no right bringing it up because her body didn't match who she really was, so conventional wouldn't work. And she hated feeling like that when she fought so hard to ward it off. "I wanted to talk about it, but it got weird. I didn't know how to do it without screaming from a roof top that I'm just like every other girl. Some days, I feel like I have to do that. I hardly know anything about Owen, J. So how the fuck am I supposed to know if I'm more advanced than him? I don't know him enough to have feelings develop there. I try to have one serious conversation with him, and it goes to shit. I don't want him to keep telling me I'm beautiful all the time either, because that feels like he's overcompensating and trying to convince me 'Hey, I'm okay you were once a boy - really!' It's like a generic default or something. There's nothing intimate or personal about it."