"We've got to hold on to what we've got."

[ifeelthelove]

Who: Cassidy Cohen and Justin Campbell
What: Fucking Australia, bitches!
Where: World Famous Fish & Chips @ Watson's Bay
When: Early dinner, Sunday

Cassidy couldn't believe she was in freaking AUSTRALIA. She was so excited and astounded that it worked a treat taking her mind off her body issues. When Justin's grandparents picked her up at the airport that morning, she had fallen in love with them in a heartbeat. They were so cheery and friendly, making her feel so welcome. They explained that Justin hadn't slept well last night, so he was still in bed when her flight had landed in the early hours of the morning. Of course she told them she would never have wanted him to be woken anyway.

Without a doubt, though, the best part was when they were walking back to their car at the airport with Justin's granddad pushing the luggage trolley ahead that Nana Campbell gave Cassidy a soft hug and whispered in her ear that Justin had told them all about her, and she had nothing to worry about with anything. She was beautiful and she could consider herself an honorary granddaughter from now on. All Cassidy could do was grin. Somehow, she knew that Justin probably knew exactly what he was doing inviting her into what he had termed his safe peaceful place. She had been too pumped to even be jetlagged.

Justin had woken up nearer to lunch time, but he didn't really surface for a little while after that. Cassidy helped Nana Campbell make fruit salad and fairy bread in the kitchen. Cassidy had no idea what fairy bread even was, but apparently it was a right of passage for all Aussie kids, and they wanted to give her a worthy welcome. As simple as the dish was, it was brilliant. Even though she hadn't been able to give Justin a hug when he ventured downstairs - slowly - and came out the back, she had taken his hand and given him a pinkie-tug in lieu of a hello hug. She expected him to look just how he did... although considering the fact he had nearly drowned to death, literally died for a few minutes, and was brought back to life, she was relieved to see he was mostly in one piece.

Now it was late afternoon, and Justin's family all decided to drive to a place called Watson's Bay on Sydney Harbour, that apparently boasted World Famous Fish and Chips from a place called Doyle's. It was internationally renowned. Cassidy couldn't care if they sat down and ate Vegemite out of a jar... she was at SYDNEY HARBOUR. And it was beautiful. She mostly just stood there with her mouth hanging open, taking in the beauty of the place. It felt like paradise. That was what she was doing when Justin was suddenly flanked by this bunch of fangirls that seemed to multiply like a disease. Apparently one of them was there for her seventeenth and was 'one of his biggest fans'. Justin didn't really have any warning with them jumping out at him, and Cassidy clocked that he seemed spooked for the first couple of moments, but recovered it quickly.

This was really the first time she had seen Justin out in public like this. Mostly, it was hanging out with him away from crowds, or seeing him performing. The way they spooked him could have gone horribly wrong, but no matter how he was feeling, Cassidy saw him automatically step up into his celebrity mask. The girl was a huge fan, so were all her friends. They wanted selfies, and then a bunch of them wanted him to sing Footloose. Jeezus, they weren't backward in coming forward. Instead Justin zeroed out the birthday girl and said it was her special day, what song would she pick. Nearby, Mark was looking like he was about to body roll in and snatch Justin out of their clutches, and Keely looked like she was considering getting Justin's body guard on speed dial.

No one intercepted, because Justin took control of the situation. The 'birthday girl' picked Livin' on a Prayer, and like a fucking trooper, Justin got up onto one of the benches of a nearby picnic table and gave the throng of squealing girls an impromptu part rendition of the Bon Jovi song. He probably made that girl's decade in the process too. But after that, Justin discreetly pointed out that he was with his family and they were going to have dinner, and wished them all a good night. With that, they gratefully left him to his privacy, and as they walked away, Cassidy heard one of them saying 'See, I told you he was probably really straight.' With them walking away, they didn't see the cynical scrunch of Justin's nose, which showed Cassidy that he had heard the comment too.

Justin's family decided to go eat in the restaurant, but Justin didn't want to deal with the crowds. Instead, Sam got him and Cassidy takeout fish and chips, and they went over to sit on the shore of the Bay together to eat them. "Straight, huh? I wonder what they would say if they knew I had a dick," she commented, though it was with an air of sarcastic humour. "How the fuck can you still sing Bon Jovi with broken ribs? You're too good to your fans."

Comments

[likefatherlikeson]

"Ask me when the pain eases," Justin moaned, holding the side of his chest and leaning over once he was sitting. He was going to have to just sit there with his face scrunched up and waited for it to subside at least a little, because his words were strained and a bit breathless, as he even tried not to take any deep breaths. "They went away, though, didn't they?" Sometimes you had to take the necessary evil route to get to where you wanted to be. He had definitely been spooked as soon the fangirls began to swoop in on him. He hadn't had time to realise it was happening before they were just all... there in his face. All he could do was roll with it and do what it took to politely and quickly get them the fuck out of his face before any of them tried to touch him.

He hooked his thumb into the strap of his messenger back he always had with him and pulled it into his lap. He dug around in one of the side pockets for a small strip of medication. He popped a couple of the pills into his palm and opened the pop top of his water bottle with his teeth so he could take a swig and wash them down. "Sure. Totally straight. I was fantasising about shoving my face into all their cleavages in one big giant orgy. I get off on bitches squealing in my face."

[ifeelthelove]

Cassidy was trying to help by hold the flap of of the bag open for him. She didn't realise what he was looking for until he found it. Normally, he wasn't allowed to have control of his meds, but these must be for the pain of his broken ribs and there only looked to be less than a day's supply on that strip... nothing he could harm himself with. It was nice to see he actually had a little control over things. It was obvious how much pain he was in, though. Up to now, he had obviously been moving with a careful stiffness, but he had hidden the pain well. He was right. They did go away. "Why didn't you just sing Footloose? Wouldn't that have been a bit easier on you, babe?" She took a chip from the pile she was holding in her lap and offered it to him. "Chip? I need to get used to not calling these fries, huh?"

"Only not. If bitches were squealing in my face, I'd want to punch them in the cleavage. I was pretty sure your dad was about to come in and carry you to safety for a minute there. How do you do this and stay mostly sane with them?" she asked, looking in the direction of where the girls had gone. They had headed off onto the wharf to wait for the ferry, and she could still hear them talking loudly even from this distance. That chick was going to drown in Likes on Facebook that night. "How can they still think you're straight when you've said plenty of times that you aren't? You've got a boyfriend, for fuck's sake."

[likefatherlikeson]

"They'd want me to dance with Footloose," Justin explained. He had done this long enough to pre-empt fan encounters. These days, he didn't perform any of the production numbers beyond the production. Mostly for his own sanity and the fact he didn't want to be musically typecast. If he had to keep doing the same thing over and over again, it would never have the therapeutic benefit for him anymore. He waved the chip away. "No, you have them. Don't worry, you can still say fries at Maccas. McDonalds food is way better here. It'll never be as good as the amazing fresh food on offer. I'm glad you came, Cas. Nana and Granddad already gave their tick of approval."

"Sane's probably pushing it right now. Fangirls just do that. They think straight people are gay, and gay people are straight. Don't ask me to explain it, I don't get it." He cussed softly again, trying to straighten up a bit. He had two broken ribs and a hairline fracture in a third. From what Kade had told him when Justin met him after the whole horrible ordeal, because they had to do CPR for a length of time, they weren't allowed to stop even if they suspected broken ribs. Ribs could heal, you couldn't restart a heart that stopped for good. None of that he really wanted to talk about, maybe ever. "Jury's out on that..."

[ifeelthelove]

Cassidy was having a moment here where it still astounded her that Justin had become one of her closest friends. She had been one of those fangirls once, though not as forceful and forward as chicks like these. She would never have had the courage to run up to him like these bitches had. She had admired him from afar, and sat in the audience of Footloose multiple times in awe of him, and awed that he was the same age as her. But she had also admired him for the fact he had gone public with his mental illness, his sexuality, and even took it beyond that to work for a charity. Now she knew so much more about him, knew that what he had gone public with had merely been the tip of the iceberg. She did not, at all, take it for granted that he was sitting here with her as her friend... or her sitting here with him, rather, in Australia, with his family nearby. It was incredible. "Your grandma told me you told her about me. She was beautiful, Justin. I was worried, you know? Nervous."

She looked at the chip. "You're not hungry? You need to eat, you're all puny. Look at those skinny jeans. Your fans will cry if you lose any ass definition." She rolled her eyes at the fangirl deduction. It was true. It was all over the internet. She understood speculation if celebrities didn't outright confirm their sexuality on more than one occasion, but Justin had. Even in that first exposing interview he did with Harley that she had read, Justin had said he was mentally ill with Bipolar and that he had been bullied because he was gay. There was no way she could keep discussing the fangirls now, though. "What? Are you guys breaking up?"

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin was taking another drink of his water and glanced at her with a mouthful. He swallowed it slowly, because even swallowing gave him a twinge in his ribs. "I didn't tell her you're trans. I told her you had depression and we had been in Four Winds together. She said you revealed to her you were trans, probably inadvertently. My family don't judge, Cas. Especially my grandparents. They gave birth to my dad, and to Uncle Jim, who is a bisexual FBI ex-manwhore who faked his own murder to go deep undercover tailing a rife pedophile ring. They're veteran members of PLFAG here, and have both marched in the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras when Uncle Jim was younger and came out as bi. Now I hear about Uncle Alec too, he's bi as well."

He shook his head. "No, the painkillers upset my stomach. Eating takes effort when I'm like this as it is. You have them. The fans can cry me a river. I can't help it that my appetite goes when I'm like this." He pushed his palm down onto the water bottle cap so it clicked shut again. He didn't answer her question, because he wasn't sure what the answer was. "It's a miracle my dad didn't put me on a leash and tether it to you. Right over behind us is one of Australia's most famous suicide spots," he said instead, stiffly pointing over his shoulder with his thumb.

[ifeelthelove]

Cassidy's eyebrows shot up. "What? But she... she said..." She stopped, thinking back on the conversation. It was true. All Nana Campbell had said was that Justin had told her about her, and it had been Cassidy who had commented on something to do with being transgender. Though, thinking on it, there had been no look of shock or weird glances. Nana had just kept chatting away to her, like it was nothing out of the ordinary. "That's so cool. Wait, your uncle faked his own murder? I thought he was just a cop. Are you ever going to walk in the Mardi Gras? You'd be a hit! Dressed up in a little pair of spandex boy knickers and angel wings, covered in glitter?" She had to give him a smirk with her teasing.

"You feel sick? Are you okay being here? I wouldn't have minded if you didn't want to come out. You guys don't need to show me the sights. My mind's already been distracted from the crap I've been feeling lately. I'm glad enough just that you invited me and my folks let me come. Dad was worried it would be too much for you with what's been going on." She couldn't help but turn to look over her shoulder. She could see some rock faces in the distance, but that was a pretty heavy landmark to think about. Though, she didn't miss the abrupt subject change. "But you must miss him," she murmured, turning back to Justin. Considering Justin's three recent suicide attempts, she felt like Will was the safer conversation subject.

[likefatherlikeson]

"Some people see no difference in the basis of humans, Cas. My family just happen to be those type of folk. It's like the world decided I needed half my family to balance out the other homophobic, uneducated part. Don't get me wrong, my grandparents in Chicago are... well, they try. But they're Catholic and follow their religious beliefs. They love me, and they know I'm gay, but they don't quite understand it. They probably pray for me and believe I suffer so much because my mother had sex out of wedlock. I don't know. I've never known how to talk to them. They cared for me, but I could never engage with them. It's different here. Totally different ends of the spectrum. Uncle Jim's a pretty big deal in the FBI. He's a Special Agent. Used to be a field worker, but now he's the head of a department." Justin smirked back at her, though he still didn't quite have the ability to show mirth yet. "I can't until I'm eighteen. One day, but not dressed like that. I'm going to stick to my quote of shirtless as Ren in the factory dance scene."

He gestured to the view of the bay as the sun was beginning to set. "And miss this? It's not a sick feeling, it's just a discomfort. I was sick after all this happened, but it's settled now." He knew if he wanted to change the subject permanently, Cas wouldn't press. It was only because she cared for him, and she was one person he wanted to keep an open dialogue with. He considered them supportive of each other, and to do that, it had to be give and take. Like anything. He couldn't expect to want to help her and just have her do all the talking all the time. "No, I don't. That's where the problem is. It's been failing for a little while now. I waited, hoped it was going to get better. It didn't. We've been here before. Now I just find myself wondering... what it might be like to date someone else."

[ifeelthelove]

Cassidy listened to Justin talk. She hadn't heard him say much about his maternal grandparents. Not like this. She had heard other people mention Justin had his grandparents, but his mother had been horrible. Now she was hearing the reality of it that even if they took care of him the best they could, fundamentally, he still felt segregated from them and alone. Obviously, he loved them, but at the same time, he probably hated this part of them, that couldn't understand this part of who he naturally was. She was glad he had that now with his dad's family, and everyone else who loved him unconditionally in New York. "You're still in touch with them though, right? I remember you telling me in Four Winds that they had seen your show, but you hadn't ever been back to Chicago."

She breathed in deeply and then exhaled with a soft, "Wow. I didn't expect you to say anything like this. I just thought you guys seemed unbreakable in some way. Like, you're that highschool relationship everyone wants, but no one believes will happen to them. That look cute at prom, and make future plans together. Only, now I think about it, those sorts of couples rarely go the distance when they get older do they, when you get out in the big wide world and reality sets it. I didn't even know you were having problems. Or that you had problems in the past. That's a really big thing to be thinking about, babe. But I think it makes sense. You haven't wanted to keep living, so now you're probably questioning how to still keep going, trying to make sense of it all."

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin nodded and took in how the sky in the distance with the city silhouette was changing colours to prepare for the sunset. "I write to them. Pop never really got the hang of a PC. They bought a tablet and learned Skype to talk to me, but they like getting real letters, so I keep writing to them. They just know I can't write when I'm sick, so we talk a little on Skype. They deserve a simple life, Cas. My mother already aged them before I came along. They had her late. They were in their late thirties, because they never could have kids before. Then everything with me. If going to church and getting my letters is how they want to live out the rest of their days, I'm okay with that. They always believed I should've been with Dad all along. Said my mother was too selfish to be a mother. But she had big tits, so that was pretty much all that was on Dad's mind when he was eighteen and partying his way through college. I've never been back, and I never will go back either."

He shrugged, and was glad to feel the painkillers were starting to take the edge off the stabbing feeling in his chest. "People grow up and change. I feel like if we've hit this place for a second time, it's telling. Maybe it's time to just end it and try to stay friends, rather than this bitterness and frustration I have inside turning into a monster. It's not far off it now. I'm hurt it's back here again. Too tired to try another do-over, though. Will only really seems interested if I'm doing good and it's all happy families. Sex and fart jokes. The easy stuff. I realise my view of that is probably skewed, but at the same time, I can't help that this second bad patch has siphoned away my feelings for him. People fail on their promises to you more than once, you stop believing them. My dad thinks a fresh start could be the answer, and I'm starting to think he's right."

[ifeelthelove]

"That's really sweet of you, Justin. And kind. You have a huge heart, you know that? For all the pain and suffering you've barely survived through, you just care about giving them a peaceful life. I've sat back and watched how you care for other people, because you can't handle the thought that someone else might suffer like you do. Look what you just did with these fans. You're in so much pain, you're not feeling well, you've been through multiple ordeals these past few weeks, you're here for solace and recovery. But you still spoke to them. You still let them take selfies with them, and just because it was her birthday, you sung a song of her choice. Now you're sitting there in agony because of your ribs. You came out here just to show me this place for dinner, and you don't even feel up to eating. You've been in bed most of the day, which tells me you probably really should still be there, but you want me to have a nice time. All the charity work you do. You got up practically off your death bed to sing at the benefit in Sydney, even if your mind was still really messed up..." Cassidy gave him a small, awed shake of her head, holding his gaze. "But I know you don't see any of that. I know you're in pain. You're sad, lost, scared, tired. All you want is peace for yourself, but you get lost in trying to give it to everyone else and forget to care for yourself."

She put her hand softly on his shoulder. She couldn't hug him right now. She hadn't seen the injuries, but Justin's uncle had told her Justin was black and blue all over his chest from the CPR with the broken ribs, and he had burns from the defibrillator that they had to use on him when he was wet. The injuries had been unpreventable to save his life. "Will you talk to him? In person. I'm not saying to go in feeling forced to sort it out, but I think for your own peace, you need to talk to him about why you're feeling how you do. I think he needs to see you like this. Justin, you're so broken. He needs to either remember or learn that there's no such thing as just dating you. You need someone who is going to be there to take care of you when you hit these times in your life where you are just incapable of caring for yourself. And that's not easy. If Will's not the one, let yourself put it to rest in a way you're content with, or it will just keep hurting you. You don't need anything else to keep hurting you. I can see it in your eyes, you're barely hanging onto life by a thread. I see it in your face," she murmured, and her eyes were filling with tears. It was really hard to look at a friend you loved and see that scary realisation staring back at you. She gave him a feather-soft kiss on the cheek, trying to show him how much she cared about him still living.

[likefatherlikeson]

As he listened, Justin couldn't avoid the pained look that came over his face. He closed his eyes to the view and hung his head. She was spot on. Today was a day he should have stayed in bed, but he knew she had been arriving. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or awkward with strangers, even if they were his family. What he had discovered was that Cassidy was sweet enough to have easily connected with his grandparents anyway, so he had nothing to worry about. When he had woken up a few hours earlier, he hadn't even been able to stand the feeling of the water spray on his chest. He ended up shutting it off and given himself a sponge-wash at the sink, standing there crying his eyes out when he saw his reflection in the mirror. One thing he had learned over the years was to fake what he was really feeling. Fake it, and hide it. He hid so well. In clothes, with make up. He hid plenty. Days like today, faking it took more energy than he had at his disposal. "I don't want strangers to see what I really am. It's hard enough letting people I know see it. If they see it, it's just a reminder of how difficult their life is with me in it. That's the hardest part of all... knowing I'm a burden. Knowing people have to sacrifice shit to vice me in somewhere because it's their obligation. That's all my life has ever been. Going from one person to the next who say they'll care of me, and then they stop being able to deal with it after awhile, and I get hurt."

He stopped a sigh before it tried to escape. "I don't want to talk to him. He only says he'll listen when I call him out on not talking to me. Then he tries to say that he didn't know anything was wrong, and that everything was fine. Turns it right around to make me look like a psychotic hysterical arsehole who's making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm mentally ill, so it must be me blowing shit out proportion. My uncle gets diagnosed with a brain tumour, my parents' marriage is failing, and my dad starts drinking again. Where's Will? Fucked if I know. Then he gets shitty because I bring up Facebook, when all I am doing is trying to point out that he hasn't even said a word to me on Facebook, let alone anything of meaning anywhere else. But it's my fault. It's always my fault. I should have known that he was going to talk to me, even if he has hardly been doing that. Then he tells me he's lost. If he's lost, then I'm sorry, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who always ends up lost whenever I most need them. Doesn't he think I'm lost? Yeah, I'm lost. I'm lost and I don't want to live anymore. But don't say that out too loud, because Will can't handle having an hysterical arsehole boyfriend calling him out. It makes him feel lost." He put his hands up over his face. "Sorry, I'm not going to lay any more of this on you. Will and I have been here before. He said it wouldn't happen again. It has. It's as simple as that. I'm done. I don't want to hear his excuses anymore, and I don't want to sit there and have it all turned back on me. I do enough persecuting of myself to need someone else to do it for me. That's not love. Love's not enough."

[ifeelthelove]

Cassidy shook her head, but didn't respond with words. Justin had just managed to succinctly put into words why all this stuff he was dealing with was so hard for him to process. She didn't think he realised how much this made sense to her. How it was a constant battle to keep your head above water, and that every time someone let you down because of what you really were, it was like a kick in the guts. You couldn't breathe, you could barely look them in the eye for fear of seeing what might be looking back at you. Every person in Justin's life that he had held on to for dear life, trying to keep his head above the surface when he felt like drowning, they had all let him down when he was at his most vulnerable. And she wished she had the perfect thing to say to him. "Can I give you a tiny gentle hug? It's okay if you don't want me to. But if you need it, I'm here. People need to stop playing god with your emotions, and communicate with you so you can call the shots yourself. They don't know how disempowering it is for you not to communicate with you. Then you're left to fill in all the gaps yourself. With what? The darkness and the pain and the illness all trapped up inside you. I know you've got to already feel like you're too damaged to have power over your own life. It's one of the worst feelings in the world..."

She didn't know Will well enough to have any urge to go to him to see what his problem was. It sounded like the problem could well be that he was out of his depth and couldn't handle Justin when he was at his most unwell. But if that was the case, it was cruel for him to keep telling Justin he was, and then failing him at the worst possible times. She had little to no experience with dating or relationships, but she knew enough to know it wasn't supposed to hurt like this. Justin shouldn't be at breaking point where he wanted to question his whole existence and feel even more worthless than he already did. Actually, part of her wanted to hunt Will down and give him a good bitchslap. What was he thinking? Didn't he understand that he shouldn't be impacting more on Justin's mental health, and rather being an escape for him from it? She drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, so she didn't just voice all this out loud. "No matter how lost he is feeling, or how much he doesn't want to be involved, he should've at least checked how you were with all this. That's the least he could do," she murmured, pressing her lips together with a frown. "You can talk to me, Justin. We made that promise to each other. I think Will should be supporting you unconditionally with this, not adding to your pain, but that's his cross to bear. You don't have to keep going with it if it is making you feel bad. He needs to understand that maybe sometimes you just need a fucking 'Hi, how are you feeling?' on Facebook sometimes when the whole rest of the world is feeling too suffocating for you. He's your boyfriend, that's what he's supposed to do!"

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin was struggling with physical touch at the moment. All his vulnerabilities had been triggered, and he was only just keeping his head above water. He knew Cas was extremely gentle, though. Not just physically, but in her personality too. He had connected with her on so many levels, and he knew without a doubt that if he was straight or bi, he wouldn't have any trouble developing feelings for her. She was kind, sweet, caring, and selfless. If anyone ever hurt her, Justin would make it his personal mission to rip their fucking dicks off and choke them to death with it. He couldn't stop it when his tears were welling up, his emotions constantly strained right now. She just got it. She always proved this in the way she spoke to him and could succinctly acknowledge what he was feeling. He nodded, wiping at his eyes with the backs of his fingers. "I can't keep going on like this. Hardly anyone seems to understand that. I can't do it anymore. I'm sick of fighting. I have no fight left. I'd rather be alone, or dead."

"I don't think I love him anymore, Cas. Whatever used to be there, it's gone. He doesn't seem to care. I call him on it, he tells me he cares. Words mean nothing. Actually, empty words hurt. Do you know how many times I feel like he's fed me empty words? Is it any wonder I stop believing them? I look at other people in relationships around me, and it seems so nice. They care about each other, they're cute on social media, they love talking to each other. We had that at some point, but it feels like a distant memory. I don't know, maybe it's just all gone now because there was too much shit to work through. Maybe loving me can't even be a thing, because there's always so many exceptions. It's not unconditional. I don't want to be bullshitted. I don't want everything in my life to be a struggle and a fight. That was supposed to be the one thing that wasn't, and now it's turned into the one thing I hate fighting most of all." It was impossible for him to figure out if he was giving up, or if he had already given up. Either way, it all still felt the same. It hurt, and he wanted it to stop.