Jude Paul Willis (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
starttomakeitbetter) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2016-10-25 03:12 am
starttomakeitbetter) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2016-10-25 03:12 am
Entry tags:
130.1||Lyric Prompt
"On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand."
• Stand, Rascal Flatts
There had been a million and one things playing through Jude's mind for weeks now... for months even at this point. He'd started off by handling those things in the worst possible ways... with partying, drinking, doing drugs, and participating in an orgy that he was near certain had led to fucking unprotected. The choices he'd made filled him with shame and regret, but as his friends and family had pointed out, as he'd slowly pulled his head out of his ass, there was more shame in not seeking out the truth of your status and seeking treatment if necessary than in being Positive in the first place. It had taken really upsetting his little brother to get him to that point, and that part brought Jude more shame than any of this. Actions that hurt only himself were one thing. Actions that hurt the people who he loved were another thing entirely, and one he was struggling to accept that he'd done.
Billy had forced him out of bed after a double shift a few days earlier to hear Reecy sing, and ever since then, Jude's mind had been in another world. Reecy looked beautiful... she looked bright and shiny and like the woman he loved again. The shine was back... that sparkle that he would recognize anywhere, and it was about time, too. He had been a part... a big part, really... of dulling that shine, hiding the sparkle, and making Reecy forget she even had it. That was something he was struggling to face. Having her break up with him he had come to grips with since starting this whole HIV testing process. He'd spent a lot of time thinking it all over, and understanding where she had come from. It made sense. It was necessary for her to be able to move forward, and Jude hadn't given her a reason to believe that the two of them were going anywhere as a couple.
But there was so much more on his mind right now than just the fuck ups he'd made in the past. What he needed to do was come up with a plan for the future -- a real plan that would show everyone that he loved the man he really wanted to be... not the boy he was right now. Unfortunately for Jude, that would have to come next, though... after seeing Alex for the final results of his testing, and finding out what, if anything, came next on that side of things.
The waiting room was almost empty in the infectious diseases unit, which was comforting. Jude knew he wouldn't be here waiting for three million hours just to see Alex... and when he did see the doctor, the seriousness on Alex's face scared him just a little. He was prepared for whatever the truth may be in the end, but swallowing it in itself was going to be hard if it wasn't good news.
Alex pulled out the stool and took a seat with Jude's file as Jude himself sat on the exam table, his legs dangling below him. His feet clad in a pair of black and red Vans, Jude found himself studying the design on the shoes and bracing for the words that Alex was going to say, whatever they may be. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath to steady his nerves before looking up at the doctor. "Well...?" he said softly, trying to keep his nerves under control.
"Tests were negative," Alex said. "You don't have HIV. But as both a friend and a doctor, I'm still going to suggest that you see a counselor, Jude. I can't force you to. It's your choice. But after what's happened lately, I think it's a good idea. I know some really good therapists I can recommend if you need help finding someone. But you're in training to be a nurse. I know that you understand what you did on a bare mental level. I think emotionally, you may need to take a look at things a little more."
Jude nodded. "I was kind of thinking about that anyway. Dude, my life's in the shitter right now. And I've got to crawl out now or I'm going to die in the shitter while everyone I love passes me by. I'm not willing to make that sacrifice. It's not worth it. It's just not. I miss my family and Reecy and the way things were when they were good. There's no getting any of the good back if I don't get my own life back to good."
There was a hint of a smile at the corners of Alex's lips. "You have no idea how much I was hoping that was what you would say. I can get you some cards and a referral if you need it."
"Thanks, dude," Jude told him, grateful smile crossing his face. He wasn't happy. Not by a long shot. But he was grateful that he didn't have to start this next step of straightening things out with the burden of learning to live with HIV, too. One way or another, he was going to make it up to everyone he'd hurt, no matter how long that might take.
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand."
• Stand, Rascal Flatts
There had been a million and one things playing through Jude's mind for weeks now... for months even at this point. He'd started off by handling those things in the worst possible ways... with partying, drinking, doing drugs, and participating in an orgy that he was near certain had led to fucking unprotected. The choices he'd made filled him with shame and regret, but as his friends and family had pointed out, as he'd slowly pulled his head out of his ass, there was more shame in not seeking out the truth of your status and seeking treatment if necessary than in being Positive in the first place. It had taken really upsetting his little brother to get him to that point, and that part brought Jude more shame than any of this. Actions that hurt only himself were one thing. Actions that hurt the people who he loved were another thing entirely, and one he was struggling to accept that he'd done.
Billy had forced him out of bed after a double shift a few days earlier to hear Reecy sing, and ever since then, Jude's mind had been in another world. Reecy looked beautiful... she looked bright and shiny and like the woman he loved again. The shine was back... that sparkle that he would recognize anywhere, and it was about time, too. He had been a part... a big part, really... of dulling that shine, hiding the sparkle, and making Reecy forget she even had it. That was something he was struggling to face. Having her break up with him he had come to grips with since starting this whole HIV testing process. He'd spent a lot of time thinking it all over, and understanding where she had come from. It made sense. It was necessary for her to be able to move forward, and Jude hadn't given her a reason to believe that the two of them were going anywhere as a couple.
But there was so much more on his mind right now than just the fuck ups he'd made in the past. What he needed to do was come up with a plan for the future -- a real plan that would show everyone that he loved the man he really wanted to be... not the boy he was right now. Unfortunately for Jude, that would have to come next, though... after seeing Alex for the final results of his testing, and finding out what, if anything, came next on that side of things.
The waiting room was almost empty in the infectious diseases unit, which was comforting. Jude knew he wouldn't be here waiting for three million hours just to see Alex... and when he did see the doctor, the seriousness on Alex's face scared him just a little. He was prepared for whatever the truth may be in the end, but swallowing it in itself was going to be hard if it wasn't good news.
Alex pulled out the stool and took a seat with Jude's file as Jude himself sat on the exam table, his legs dangling below him. His feet clad in a pair of black and red Vans, Jude found himself studying the design on the shoes and bracing for the words that Alex was going to say, whatever they may be. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath to steady his nerves before looking up at the doctor. "Well...?" he said softly, trying to keep his nerves under control.
"Tests were negative," Alex said. "You don't have HIV. But as both a friend and a doctor, I'm still going to suggest that you see a counselor, Jude. I can't force you to. It's your choice. But after what's happened lately, I think it's a good idea. I know some really good therapists I can recommend if you need help finding someone. But you're in training to be a nurse. I know that you understand what you did on a bare mental level. I think emotionally, you may need to take a look at things a little more."
Jude nodded. "I was kind of thinking about that anyway. Dude, my life's in the shitter right now. And I've got to crawl out now or I'm going to die in the shitter while everyone I love passes me by. I'm not willing to make that sacrifice. It's not worth it. It's just not. I miss my family and Reecy and the way things were when they were good. There's no getting any of the good back if I don't get my own life back to good."
There was a hint of a smile at the corners of Alex's lips. "You have no idea how much I was hoping that was what you would say. I can get you some cards and a referral if you need it."
"Thanks, dude," Jude told him, grateful smile crossing his face. He wasn't happy. Not by a long shot. But he was grateful that he didn't have to start this next step of straightening things out with the burden of learning to live with HIV, too. One way or another, he was going to make it up to everyone he'd hurt, no matter how long that might take.