Zed Blaze (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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dreamlikenewyork2015-10-23 02:07 am
zedblaze) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2015-10-23 02:07 am
@ muserevival | 105.3. Private Diary
HERE @ muserevival
Time Heals
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't even know what the 'this' is that I mean. Is it the PEP, or is it life in general? I don't know. The lines are blurred. Is all this a sign that I should have just followed my gut instinct back then and ended it, rather than running? Everything that crosses my mind has a question mark hanging over it like a dark cloud.
Is it possible that you can just run out of fight? That you just get so exhausted from running and fighting that you can't go on anymore? They say time heals, but I'm starting to think that's all a farce. If time heals, why does it just feel like it's all come a full circle right back into the same amount of pain I was trying to get away from? I guess I'm supposed to be happy Caleb's showed up and saying all the right things. But I'm not. I look at him talking, and it's like my brain tunes out the noise into a muffled jumble. At first, I just thought it was the meds fucking with me. Now I realise it's because I just don't believe him.
I don't even know if I feel anything for him anymore. How am I supposed to know when I was never given the chance to feel it in the first place? It was all stolen away, and I was left feeling like it was dirty and wrong. How do I just flick a switch and start feeling now how he wants to hope I can? I don't think I can. No feeling but pain is coming through right now. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just nothing.
And there is nothing more depressing than Googling 'inspirational quotes' in hopes something might make sense to push you through. All that stares back at you is a whole pile of bullshit that doesn't apply. When all you have left to do is lie on the bathroom floor feeling as sick as a dog and Googling quotes, it's highly unlikely you're going to find the key to life's success. All it's going to do is hurt even more that none of that shit can apply, and you don't know why you had to miss all those boats.
Maybe life just isn't meant to be a nice or happy thing for some people. Maybe, to balance out all the kindness, sweetness, and love making the world go around, there needs to be some people who can never find their feet. Is hope even really worth it? What the fuck does hope mean if nothing ever comes of it? What if you have one bite at the apple of nailing happiness, and if you miss it, you never get another chance? Are some people just put on earth to feel the pain to lessen the chances of other's feeling it in the same way?
Does that mean time doesn't heal for everyone? And if not, what happens to the ones who just never stop hurting?
muserevivalTime Heals
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't even know what the 'this' is that I mean. Is it the PEP, or is it life in general? I don't know. The lines are blurred. Is all this a sign that I should have just followed my gut instinct back then and ended it, rather than running? Everything that crosses my mind has a question mark hanging over it like a dark cloud.
Is it possible that you can just run out of fight? That you just get so exhausted from running and fighting that you can't go on anymore? They say time heals, but I'm starting to think that's all a farce. If time heals, why does it just feel like it's all come a full circle right back into the same amount of pain I was trying to get away from? I guess I'm supposed to be happy Caleb's showed up and saying all the right things. But I'm not. I look at him talking, and it's like my brain tunes out the noise into a muffled jumble. At first, I just thought it was the meds fucking with me. Now I realise it's because I just don't believe him.
I don't even know if I feel anything for him anymore. How am I supposed to know when I was never given the chance to feel it in the first place? It was all stolen away, and I was left feeling like it was dirty and wrong. How do I just flick a switch and start feeling now how he wants to hope I can? I don't think I can. No feeling but pain is coming through right now. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just nothing.
And there is nothing more depressing than Googling 'inspirational quotes' in hopes something might make sense to push you through. All that stares back at you is a whole pile of bullshit that doesn't apply. When all you have left to do is lie on the bathroom floor feeling as sick as a dog and Googling quotes, it's highly unlikely you're going to find the key to life's success. All it's going to do is hurt even more that none of that shit can apply, and you don't know why you had to miss all those boats.
Maybe life just isn't meant to be a nice or happy thing for some people. Maybe, to balance out all the kindness, sweetness, and love making the world go around, there needs to be some people who can never find their feet. Is hope even really worth it? What the fuck does hope mean if nothing ever comes of it? What if you have one bite at the apple of nailing happiness, and if you miss it, you never get another chance? Are some people just put on earth to feel the pain to lessen the chances of other's feeling it in the same way?
Does that mean time doesn't heal for everyone? And if not, what happens to the ones who just never stop hurting?