Ava Marcus, ICU Nurse Practitioner (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
exmilitarymedic) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2023-10-28 05:31 pm
exmilitarymedic) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2023-10-28 05:31 pm
"Say it's here where our pieces fall in place..."
Who: Ava Marcus and James Campbell
What: Old Faces, New Beginnings
Where: Ava's Place, Sydney, Australia
When: After this
“How’s that BSL looking?” Ava brought a plate of multigrain toast with smashed avo and a mug of tea over to where James was sitting on her sofa with his insulin kit open on his lap. She gave him a soft smile. “Think you’re up to trying to eat a little something now? Protein, good fat, some carbs. I can’t have another Campbell in one of our hospital beds on my conscience.”
It had definitely culminated in being a day from hell, to say the least, with a terrible outcome. They wouldn’t ultimately know the cause of Mark’s crash until he was awake and could tell them what happened, and even then, it may have seriously taxed his heart. It was too soon to know and they likely wouldn’t have more answers until morning, when the effects of the Antabuse would be reversing. Then there was the heartbreaking reality of how Justin responded seeing his dad crash like that. Since he had been admitted, they had done absolutely every possibly thing they could to stop him ending up in the acute mental health unit and in a blink, that was undone. With that too, they wouldn’t ease him off sedation until the next day when the psychs would assess his psychosis. From what Sam and Gen had reported, it could be 50/50 on how it went. With medication intervention, they could get him out of it quickly or he might get locked in it for days or weeks to come. As long as he was psychotic, they had to assume he was a suicide risk and they wouldn’t move him from the acute ward for his own safety but the longer he was in there, the higher risk to his long-term prognosis. It was a mess and all they could do was wait for answers.
Ava wasn’t surprised James probably forgot to eat or maybe even forgot a dose of his insulin while his family was in crisis. A family like the Campbells, they put protecting and taking care of each other before themselves. It was just the Campbell way. She didn’t actually know James particularly well. At least, not grown up, extremely hot James. When she had dated Mark briefly in the past when they were in their early 20s, James had been a late teen still in high school as the youngest Campbell brother with his own group of friends and life separate from his three older brothers, who were all the same age. There was only a handful of months difference in age between Alec (who was adopted) and the twins. She always thought Mrs Campbell deserved a closet full of medals for putting up with a house full of Campbell boys. James was on leave from his job in the States to be here for his family with what happened to Justin and Sasha. Again, it was just the Campbell way. She was close to her family too but they were much smaller than the collective Campbell Clan and their extended relatives.
Once Alec and Kade obediently took themselves somewhere to try to sort their shit out, Ava waited with James until he felt like he could stand again without getting dizzy and suggested he come back to her place for something to eat away from the chaos that was a busy city emergency department. She could do a little better for his blood sugar levels than a pathetic ham and cheese sandwich from the patient fridge. Her flat was only a few blocks from the hospital but because he was still a little shaky and pale, she called an Uber while James let his folks know where he would be if anything changed with Mark and Justin. He could be back at the hospital in minutes.
“Back out of linoleum roadkill ranges, thank fuck,” James confirmed, holding up his glucose monitor so she could see the reading on the screen. “Sorry about that back there. It was a rookie mistake.”
“Still a little low and you’re still a little pale.” Ava offered him the plate so James could take some toast. Now the juice had bumped his blood sugar level back up to a safe range, it was still important he eat a healthy snack to get it back into a normal range. “I forgot you were Type I. You were diagnosed not long before Mark and I hooked up. Have you ever trialled an insulin pump?”
Nodding, James scrunched his nose up and took a piece of the toast. “Briefly but it was a huge pain in the arse. It was inconvenient to keep checking my levels and I kept snagging it on things when I was out in the field at work. It malfunctioned a couple of times and nearly landed me in a DKA coma. But most of all, it was fucking uncomfortable having a root,” he admitted with a sheepish smirk. “Any time I had a casual hookup, it became a conversation piece and therefore a bit of a mood killer sometimes. It might’ve been different if I was still married or in a relationship but having to explain it every time I was about to get laid got old fast. CJ was a baby at the time too, so it could be uncomfortable if I was carrying him around a lot. I thought there wasn’t a lot more painful than being kicked in the nuts in bed by an active baby but being kneed in an insulin pump was a close second.” He took a bite of the toast, knowing it would help with the post-hypo seediness he was feeling.
Ava had to laugh a little and it was a nice bit of relief from the stress and heaviness that had been hanging over them with the latest turn of events. “I find it hard to imagine you as a single dad. Out of all the Campbell brothers, I would’ve pegged you as the least likely to end up with kids. You’re all workaholics but after that whole deal where news broke that you were murdered and then came back from the dead, you seemed deeply invested in your job.”
James had some tea to wash the toast down and drew his lips together. “That whole time of my life was wild, yeah. I was with you on that. Kids weren’t on my radar, but neither was three marriages and still ending up single. That life landed me in places I never expected and ironically, it was for the protection of children that I did it all. Still do. The world just looked very different when I had one of my own. I’m still a workaholic, but my priorities have shifted a lot, especially considering Justin’s past. I’m not sure how much you know of that…”
“Have you got any pictures? If he got even an ounce of Campbell DNA, he’s going to be a heartbreaker,” Ava joked, settling sideways on the sofa beside him, nursing her mug of tea in her palms. “I think I just have the censored version. The medical records that were sent over to us after the accident are all redacted, but from what Mark and Alec have said, there’s sexual abuse in his past. Is that the work you do? How do you even manage that and stay sane? Actually, other than being in the FBI, I have no clue what you actually do.”
James balanced the plate on his lap and took his phone out of his pocket to bring up one of his favourite recent photos and handed it to Ava. “That’s CJ on the left, he’s three going on four. Then Justin and Jamie, who’s nearly seven now, and her little brother, Jack, almost two. Even though he’s not officially a Campbell, he’s still just accepted as part of our brood because Mark and Ali stayed close once they had Jamie together. They’re amazing kids. We lucked out. Unfortunately, I passed the diabetes onto CJ but at least I know how to manage it. What about you? Any significant other or plans for kids? Your job’s got to keep you busy too.”
Ava smiled at the photo, shaking her head. “Holy hell, the Campbell genes are strong. Blonde hair, blue eyes, the Campbell smile. Then Ali’s little auburn cutie in the mix but I can see a resemblance in him and Jamie. CJ is you all over. Nothing of his mother, then? Do you share custody?” She handed the phone back with a bemused snort. “No, no, no. None of the above for me. Nothing ever stuck, unfortunately. Not that there’s zero plans. Actually, I’ve been contemplating lately whether I should try to maybe look into sperm donors… have a kid of my own before the body clock ticks out completely. Just between you and me, that is. I haven’t really said that out loud to anyone else. I probably won’t go through with it. Single parenthood looks friggin hard. Keep eating. I’m not leaving you be until you finish at least one full slice.”
Picking up the toast again, James tilted his head and studied her face for a few lingering moments. “It is hard but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. CJ’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. Considering he was a complete accident, that’s saying something. You’re welcome to grill me about single parenthood anytime you like. I’m an open book. At least, I am on that. Can’t say I don’t have secrets but we all do, right? Huge step to think about taking alone, though. Have you always wanted kids or is it just the pressure of the body clock getting to you?” He screwed his nose up again and shook his head. “I haven’t seen or heard from his mother since she signed her parental rights over to me and walked out of the hospital. She was… absolutely not maternal in any way. Or romantic. It was purely a sexual thing and more the thrill of the chase. CJ was conceived when I was deep undercover and he’s the reason I decided to leave that type of work behind for good. After my husband was killed, I truly never thought I’d love anyone else like that again. It wasn’t love with her. It was lust and nothing more. Came close once since then but it didn't work out. I guess now I’m just a bit jaded. The whole Tinder, Grindr, swipe right bullshit isn’t for me.”
“Maybe a bit of both?” Ava asked, unsure as soon as she answered. The last thing she expected was getting into a deep-and-meaningful with James like this but he was easy to talk to. It was probably a good distraction for him but he seemed mindful that she had this past with Mark that felt like forever ago but she probably didn’t know a lot about his own recent life events. “The jaded I understand. I, um… had to escape a DV situation when I was living in Melbourne. Worst time of my life. Sometimes I feel like it was my fault for getting into it in the first place, but don’t worry, I’m in therapy still working through a lot of it. My work is my safehaven. It gives me purpose, which is what I needed more than anything after I was put in the hospital black and blue with a concussion. It’s that feeling of making a stupid mistake or error of judgement that makes me doubt I’d be a decent parent. But my issues pale in comparison to what your family have been through.”
James shook his head, resting his hand on her arm. “No, don’t do that. Don’t minimise your trauma just because other people have been through their own. I’m in therapy too, I get how a mind can play tricks on us. I still blame myself for my husband’s death some days, when I’m having a rough time. You’re a survivor and abuse doesn’t steal your value as a person or a potential mother. If that’s what you really want, you have to hold onto that. Even if it takes years for you to get there. You’re hardly a geriatric. You’re not even in your forties. Don’t write yourself off.”
Catching her lower lip between her teeth, Ava searched James’ face briefly before she said anything further. It was hard talking so deeply about her own life when she was more used to talking to other people about theirs. Most of this, she had been burying away because she didn’t want to think about it again. How had they even slid here so smoothly? It had to be that charismatic streak James had. He was kind of a mix of Mark and Sam’s qualities but had his own side of mystery and clearly a very complicated traumatic past that instilled a lot of wisdom. Normally, she would be trying to sidestep out of a conversation like this but she didn’t feel like that. She gave a wry laugh. “Hey, I’m an ICU nurse. Some days, I feel geriatric, mate. I’m sure you get that.”
James snorted in amusement with a deep nod. “Yeah, without a doubt. But they’re jobs that someone has to do, right? Not everyone is lucky to find their niche in the world that gives them purpose and value to life. I’ve seen you in action when I’ve visited the lads. You’re made to do what you do. Do you miss being in the RAAF? Al says all the time that Defence is a different world.”
“I guess some days, I do. But it’s more missing the people than the job. I managed to escape without PTSD, but I saw my fair share of awful things. It might seem like an out of the frying pan into the fire thing but I prefer this sort of nursing and this job. The advocating for people going through painful experiences with their loved ones. I don’t have much of a life beyond that. And you? Do you miss the thrill of that SS deep undercover stuff? Shit, I don’t even know exactly what you do now. You don’t have to say if you can’t,” Ava quickly added, remembering he did work that was probably often highly classified and she wasn’t even a US citizen.
“It’s okay, seriously. No big secret. I’m a Special-Agent-in-Charge and I work in Crimes Against Children. I would say more about that but it’s exactly what it says it is and sometimes, things just aren’t for general conversation. What I will say is that one of the hardest things I’ve had to face in my life was learning my nephew was a victim of some of those horrific things but it drives me to keep doing what I do. Awful things can be a drive for a lot of good. The memories are heavy doing these sorts of jobs and some days, they get the best of us. I’m guilty of not taking the best care of myself sometimes but I’ve trained myself to get better at it since becoming a dad. Still, none of us Campbells are particularly good at that, save for Mum, maybe,” James admitted with a wry shrug, raking his fingers through his hair. “Jeez, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that sometimes I miss the adrenaline rush of that but it’s absolutely not the life of someone who has a family and kids to be present for. Even when I was home, they only ever had half of me because my head was never not in the game. Back then, when I made the choice to take the job offer, my love life was in the shitter and I thought it was some good I could do. Told myself my family would eventually be okay with my ‘death’. Instead, it drove Sparky to drink and have a nervous breakdown, he missed the first year of Jamie’s life because the grief and guilt of not protecting me as a big brother nearly killed him. Ali had to give birth alone when I promised I would be there for her and the birth was awful. Sammy had to escape to Doctors Without Borders as a coping mechanism. Alec wasn’t even able to be notified when it happened because he was incommunicado somewhere overseas. It was a total shitshow and I underestimated the impact on my family. But Ali did fall in love and ultimately marry the paramedic that delivered her to hospital, so I like to joke with her that I take the credit for that.”
Ava raised her eyebrows, impressed. “Special-Agent-in-Charge. Niiiiice. So, that means you’re, what… a boss man of some type? Sorry, clueless Aussie here. I don’t have any clue about the inner workings of the FBI. But I do know from when Alec and I kept in touch on and off that you were climbing ranks pretty quickly and were at the top of your game when the news came you were missing and presumed dead. I’m friggin itching to ask you how all that was pulled off but I get it, it’s probably classified because it was a big deal case you were working on. I can’t picture you as a dad at all, though. No offence. I just still remember you as this long-haired popular surfie kid with stacks of mates. Oh, you Campbell guys are absolute pains in the arse with taking care of yourselves. I’ve even been able to see how that’s trickled down from Mark to Justin with the workaholic tendencies. Make sure you don’t pass that on to your peanut. Use the Force, young Dad Jedi. Break the cycle. Not that I can judge but I only have myself to worry about these days. I’ve been trying to talk my baby brother into moving to Sydney but so far, no luck. But for what it’s worth, you’re not the only one with a miserable relationship history and I’ve even got a failed marriage in there too.” She patted his shoulder. “There’s no way your ‘death’ or ‘murder’ or whatever it was wasn’t going to total your family. You’re one of the closest families I’ve ever known, even through all the trauma.”
“Pretty much a fancy title for that, yeah,” James laughed after he finished the first piece of toast while he listened to Ava chatting. It was a nice breather after the chaos they left at the hospital. He had his phone out sitting on the arm rest beside him in case any updates on Mark or Justin came through. “I worked a couple of really high profile cases relatively early in my career and got a lot of experience in the field. After all that faked death craziness, when I made the decision to call it quits when I heard I had a kid on the way, I needed a change of pace for my own sanity. It took a lot of debriefing and soul searching. When I ended up a single dad, I didn’t want to do the hardcore field work anymore because the stress was making me sick. My diabetes was out of control for a bit there, I ended up in two DKA comas in a short space of time because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I took a promotion offer to Deputy Special-Agent-in-Charge and I actually didn’t mind the management side of things. And now here I am. Granted, on a leave of absence. I got a flight out here after the accident before we even knew if the lads survived the crash. You’re right, it’s just how our family is. Where does your brother live? How much younger is he? So, does your roster make dating hard or you’re gunshy on romance after past ordeals? Wouldn’t blame you at all for checking out on relationships all together after escaping DV.”
Ava had so many questions but she didn’t want to bombard James right after he had a bit of a diabetic hypo back at the hospital. She kept in touch with Alec sporadically via email before seeing him again when Justin and Sash were her patients, but he had never been particularly wordy about his family. “Last I heard, you were getting married to your nanny? What happened there? Did the workaholic thing get in the way? From the way Alec described it, she was pretty much the love of your life. Archer’s seven years younger than me and he lives in an amazing beachfront house on the Gold Coast. He’s been settled there for a long time and keeps asking me to move up there. Every relationship I’ve been in has ended in a messy, painful way, save for Mark. We ended amicably because we knew, logistically, it wasn’t working.” She shrugged, absentmindedly running her fingertip around the rim of her mug. “I don’t know. I wonder if there’s a relationship quota and once you can’t get your footing often enough, it’s just pointless. Maybe I’m jaded or maybe just plain cynical but no one seems worth the risk anymore.”
“Nat? Yeah, she and I had a good thing going. She was pregnant and we decided to get hitched at City Hall. CJ adored her and it was… easy. I’ve been much like you with relationships, it’s just been chaotic or messy. But when I was younger, I wasn’t exactly the settling commitment type of bloke. The casual thing was easier and I threw away a really good thing when I went deep undercover, my first field partner. She and I were too alike, though, and clashed a lot. Not a love/hate thing. Nothing like that. Just mixing fiery personalities with hardcore ambition. Before that, it was my husband, David. He was a cop who got shot in the line of duty and didn’t make it. Then before Nat, it was CJ’s mother. After all that, Nat was calm and caring. Just beautiful in every way but she lost the baby and she was homesick for London. She went home for a bit after the stillbirth and made the choice that she didn’t want to live in the States anymore. We parted amicably because homesickness is something I do truly understand and experience myself all the time. If nothing else, it was nice to have a peaceful end to a relationship to know it doesn’t always have to be chaotic.” James tilted his head to the side, picking up the next piece of toast and tapping the crust on the plate to shake off any loose crumbs. “Putting your heart on the line when you’ve been so burned is hard, I totally get it. Do you get worried you might miss a good thing if you come across it, though? Or none of it’s worth the hassle?”
Watching James taking a bite of the next slice of toast, Ava was wondering what it was about him that had her opening up about things she swore she was done rehashing. Maybe it was the fact he had similar experiences with complicated, painful relationships. “So, if you had a second chance with any of those you truly wanted to keep in your life — which sounds like all but CJ’s mum — would you give it another go?” She shook her head, screwing her nose up a little. “I don’t know, honestly. I see other people in happy relationships and I’m envious of it but I don’t trust myself to make a healthy choice. It all seems out of my reach.”
James finished the toast and leaned over to put the empty plate on the coffee table. “Wow, that feels like it should be a loaded question. I’d have to say no, I think. Because I’m not the same guy now that I was with any of them. So much has happened in my life, with my family, with what I deal with at work. It feels like even a whole different world since I was last in a relationship. I don’t know. I’m with you in that way, I think. Some days, I wonder if I’m immune to making a relationship stick. Do you think once we get those sorts of thoughts in our head, we self-sabotage without realising it?”
It was Ava’s turn to tilt her head, narrowing her eyes a little. “Oooo. Now who’s throwing around the potentially loaded questions? Is it really self-sabotage, though, or just much higher standards of who we’ll let close? If I’m going to risk letting someone inflict so much pain one again, preemptively minimising that risk seems like a good idea. There just seems to be a very, very fine line between risk minimisation and self-sabotage. I like to think I’m not necessarily choosy but if I ever try all that again, I want the person to be someone I would lay my life on the line to protect. You Campbells have set the bar really high on that,” she pointed out, resting her hand on his arm and giving him a smile.
“Only because we’ve seen people we love in a hell of a fucking lot of pain. But I stopped believing a long time ago that only bad shit comes from pain. I didn’t see it when I first started my career and we were bombarded with desensitising to the hard shit. It was before anything tragic truly happened to my family, save for Sammy losing Michelle and Dad’s heart attack. Now? I actually have endless admiration for folk who go through some of the most horrific shit this world can throw at them and are still good people on the other side. That’s the really tough deal.” James' gaze shifted to Ava’s hand on his arm when he felt a gentle sensation sweep over his arm at the warmth of her fingers. He wet his lips, suddenly remembering how long it was since he got laid that a simple touch could make him feel that. “It seems like it would be a waste if you let your pain cockblock your happiness. And I can say shit like that, after the absolutely batshit crazy things I’ve survived. Plus, every time I have a DKA episode, I tend to be reminded of why life is precious. Sometimes, it gets in the way and we forget that. Or forget that it’s the people we share it with that make the pain worth it.”
Ava watched James’ tongue slowly sweep over his lips. She couldn’t help it, he had very, very nice lips and it had been a long time since she had kissed anyone. But no— NO. There’s no way she could go there with Mark’s little brother when Mark was her ex and everything was so complicated with the Campbell family. Not to mention the fact she was in charge of the ward his nephew was a patient in. Even if Justin technically wasn’t a patient in her ward now he had been moved to Acute Mental Health. “A waste? I think I’m probably just saving he, she, or them a lot of hassle. You’re right, though. Pain can be pretty lonely, huh…?”
“Hassle? You genuinely mean that when you say it, don’t you?” James understood the psychological abuse domestic violence victims experienced along with the physical and it was heartbreaking to think someone beautiful, kind, compassionate, and intelligent like Ava had been so terrorised by her ex that she believed she would be a hassle on a future romantic partner. “Any he, she, or them would be fucking stiking it rich to have you. I know you don’t believe that and me saying it won’t change how your awful experiences make you feel but I can see it and I would bloody fight anyone who even so much as hinted otherwise. Because I know my big brother has impeccable taste in women, and my other big brother has impeccable taste in friends, and just from everything you’ve done for my family since Jus and Sash landed in your care, I know an incredible person when I see them. Plus, you know, they pay me a heck of a lot of money to have a good read on people, if you’re down on yourself so much that you think Sparky and Al’s tastes got it wrong.”
Catching the corner of her lip between her teeth, Ava listened, even if he gently called her out on her immediate inner reaction to what she said. She didn’t take her hand from his arm. “You don’t think dating someone with a history of trauma and poor choices of relationship is a hassle?”
James put his hand over hers, patting her knuckles as he held her gaze. “Were they poor choices or have arseholes just treated you poorly and cruelly not only made you believe you deserved it but you were the cause of it?” he murmured.
“Touche…” Ava said softly with a faint smile playing on her lips when she realised he was reading her just like he said he could. She wasn’t sure what was happening here, but it was something. He had those intense Campbell blue eyes like his brothers and nephew, one of the first things about Mark that she fell for all those years ago. She turned her hand over and as his hand easily settled into hers — before she could let her mind get in the way — she leaned in and kissed him.
Without even thinking about it, James returned the kiss because who the hell didn’t when a gorgeous woman started to kiss them? It took his head a few moments to catch up with other parts of his body that were without a doubt wanting to run the show here but when it did, he put his hand on her shoulder to pause the kiss. “Ava… Ava, hold on a sec—” Cupping his hand to her cheek, he laughed a little, not quite sure what just happened.
“Sorry, I—” Ava put her fingers to her lips, exhaling heavily. Eyes searching his face, she was trying to figure out why he stopped, until her brain abruptly settled on assuming she just made a stupid mistake, but he wasn’t pulling away or even pushing her away and suddenly, she had no fucking clue what the hell was going on anymore. “Fuck…”
Smiling, James shook his head. “Hang on, I just…” He stroked his thumb over her cheek because, no, he definitely wasn’t pulling away. “Is this what you really want? Don’t get me wrong. Really. If it is, I’d happily be a willing party but I respect you too much and understand what you’ve been through in the past. If you’re vulnerable and—”
“I’m not,” Ava quickly cut him off before he went too far down that rabbit hole. She knew in her gut she wasn’t averse to talking to about all of it and she had this strange to tell him every little thing about her but not the first conversation they had since he was a teenager and walking through his parents kitchen to grab a Vegemite sandwich on his way to the beach for a surf with his mates. Holy hell, was life and the world a very different place now since then for so many reasons she really didn’t want to think about right then. “Really. Though, it’s beautiful that you want to check. Such a Campbell signature move. But I really am very okay. And mutually willing,” she confirmed, holding his gaze with a nod.
“Okay.” James wet his lips and ran his fingers through the back of her hair. “If you wanna stop, just say the word…” he promised, claiming her lips again to resume the kiss, and this time, much deeper with no hesitation at all.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Old Faces, New Beginnings
Where: Ava's Place, Sydney, Australia
When: After this
“How’s that BSL looking?” Ava brought a plate of multigrain toast with smashed avo and a mug of tea over to where James was sitting on her sofa with his insulin kit open on his lap. She gave him a soft smile. “Think you’re up to trying to eat a little something now? Protein, good fat, some carbs. I can’t have another Campbell in one of our hospital beds on my conscience.”
It had definitely culminated in being a day from hell, to say the least, with a terrible outcome. They wouldn’t ultimately know the cause of Mark’s crash until he was awake and could tell them what happened, and even then, it may have seriously taxed his heart. It was too soon to know and they likely wouldn’t have more answers until morning, when the effects of the Antabuse would be reversing. Then there was the heartbreaking reality of how Justin responded seeing his dad crash like that. Since he had been admitted, they had done absolutely every possibly thing they could to stop him ending up in the acute mental health unit and in a blink, that was undone. With that too, they wouldn’t ease him off sedation until the next day when the psychs would assess his psychosis. From what Sam and Gen had reported, it could be 50/50 on how it went. With medication intervention, they could get him out of it quickly or he might get locked in it for days or weeks to come. As long as he was psychotic, they had to assume he was a suicide risk and they wouldn’t move him from the acute ward for his own safety but the longer he was in there, the higher risk to his long-term prognosis. It was a mess and all they could do was wait for answers.
Ava wasn’t surprised James probably forgot to eat or maybe even forgot a dose of his insulin while his family was in crisis. A family like the Campbells, they put protecting and taking care of each other before themselves. It was just the Campbell way. She didn’t actually know James particularly well. At least, not grown up, extremely hot James. When she had dated Mark briefly in the past when they were in their early 20s, James had been a late teen still in high school as the youngest Campbell brother with his own group of friends and life separate from his three older brothers, who were all the same age. There was only a handful of months difference in age between Alec (who was adopted) and the twins. She always thought Mrs Campbell deserved a closet full of medals for putting up with a house full of Campbell boys. James was on leave from his job in the States to be here for his family with what happened to Justin and Sasha. Again, it was just the Campbell way. She was close to her family too but they were much smaller than the collective Campbell Clan and their extended relatives.
Once Alec and Kade obediently took themselves somewhere to try to sort their shit out, Ava waited with James until he felt like he could stand again without getting dizzy and suggested he come back to her place for something to eat away from the chaos that was a busy city emergency department. She could do a little better for his blood sugar levels than a pathetic ham and cheese sandwich from the patient fridge. Her flat was only a few blocks from the hospital but because he was still a little shaky and pale, she called an Uber while James let his folks know where he would be if anything changed with Mark and Justin. He could be back at the hospital in minutes.
“Back out of linoleum roadkill ranges, thank fuck,” James confirmed, holding up his glucose monitor so she could see the reading on the screen. “Sorry about that back there. It was a rookie mistake.”
“Still a little low and you’re still a little pale.” Ava offered him the plate so James could take some toast. Now the juice had bumped his blood sugar level back up to a safe range, it was still important he eat a healthy snack to get it back into a normal range. “I forgot you were Type I. You were diagnosed not long before Mark and I hooked up. Have you ever trialled an insulin pump?”
Nodding, James scrunched his nose up and took a piece of the toast. “Briefly but it was a huge pain in the arse. It was inconvenient to keep checking my levels and I kept snagging it on things when I was out in the field at work. It malfunctioned a couple of times and nearly landed me in a DKA coma. But most of all, it was fucking uncomfortable having a root,” he admitted with a sheepish smirk. “Any time I had a casual hookup, it became a conversation piece and therefore a bit of a mood killer sometimes. It might’ve been different if I was still married or in a relationship but having to explain it every time I was about to get laid got old fast. CJ was a baby at the time too, so it could be uncomfortable if I was carrying him around a lot. I thought there wasn’t a lot more painful than being kicked in the nuts in bed by an active baby but being kneed in an insulin pump was a close second.” He took a bite of the toast, knowing it would help with the post-hypo seediness he was feeling.
Ava had to laugh a little and it was a nice bit of relief from the stress and heaviness that had been hanging over them with the latest turn of events. “I find it hard to imagine you as a single dad. Out of all the Campbell brothers, I would’ve pegged you as the least likely to end up with kids. You’re all workaholics but after that whole deal where news broke that you were murdered and then came back from the dead, you seemed deeply invested in your job.”
James had some tea to wash the toast down and drew his lips together. “That whole time of my life was wild, yeah. I was with you on that. Kids weren’t on my radar, but neither was three marriages and still ending up single. That life landed me in places I never expected and ironically, it was for the protection of children that I did it all. Still do. The world just looked very different when I had one of my own. I’m still a workaholic, but my priorities have shifted a lot, especially considering Justin’s past. I’m not sure how much you know of that…”
“Have you got any pictures? If he got even an ounce of Campbell DNA, he’s going to be a heartbreaker,” Ava joked, settling sideways on the sofa beside him, nursing her mug of tea in her palms. “I think I just have the censored version. The medical records that were sent over to us after the accident are all redacted, but from what Mark and Alec have said, there’s sexual abuse in his past. Is that the work you do? How do you even manage that and stay sane? Actually, other than being in the FBI, I have no clue what you actually do.”
James balanced the plate on his lap and took his phone out of his pocket to bring up one of his favourite recent photos and handed it to Ava. “That’s CJ on the left, he’s three going on four. Then Justin and Jamie, who’s nearly seven now, and her little brother, Jack, almost two. Even though he’s not officially a Campbell, he’s still just accepted as part of our brood because Mark and Ali stayed close once they had Jamie together. They’re amazing kids. We lucked out. Unfortunately, I passed the diabetes onto CJ but at least I know how to manage it. What about you? Any significant other or plans for kids? Your job’s got to keep you busy too.”
Ava smiled at the photo, shaking her head. “Holy hell, the Campbell genes are strong. Blonde hair, blue eyes, the Campbell smile. Then Ali’s little auburn cutie in the mix but I can see a resemblance in him and Jamie. CJ is you all over. Nothing of his mother, then? Do you share custody?” She handed the phone back with a bemused snort. “No, no, no. None of the above for me. Nothing ever stuck, unfortunately. Not that there’s zero plans. Actually, I’ve been contemplating lately whether I should try to maybe look into sperm donors… have a kid of my own before the body clock ticks out completely. Just between you and me, that is. I haven’t really said that out loud to anyone else. I probably won’t go through with it. Single parenthood looks friggin hard. Keep eating. I’m not leaving you be until you finish at least one full slice.”
Picking up the toast again, James tilted his head and studied her face for a few lingering moments. “It is hard but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. CJ’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. Considering he was a complete accident, that’s saying something. You’re welcome to grill me about single parenthood anytime you like. I’m an open book. At least, I am on that. Can’t say I don’t have secrets but we all do, right? Huge step to think about taking alone, though. Have you always wanted kids or is it just the pressure of the body clock getting to you?” He screwed his nose up again and shook his head. “I haven’t seen or heard from his mother since she signed her parental rights over to me and walked out of the hospital. She was… absolutely not maternal in any way. Or romantic. It was purely a sexual thing and more the thrill of the chase. CJ was conceived when I was deep undercover and he’s the reason I decided to leave that type of work behind for good. After my husband was killed, I truly never thought I’d love anyone else like that again. It wasn’t love with her. It was lust and nothing more. Came close once since then but it didn't work out. I guess now I’m just a bit jaded. The whole Tinder, Grindr, swipe right bullshit isn’t for me.”
“Maybe a bit of both?” Ava asked, unsure as soon as she answered. The last thing she expected was getting into a deep-and-meaningful with James like this but he was easy to talk to. It was probably a good distraction for him but he seemed mindful that she had this past with Mark that felt like forever ago but she probably didn’t know a lot about his own recent life events. “The jaded I understand. I, um… had to escape a DV situation when I was living in Melbourne. Worst time of my life. Sometimes I feel like it was my fault for getting into it in the first place, but don’t worry, I’m in therapy still working through a lot of it. My work is my safehaven. It gives me purpose, which is what I needed more than anything after I was put in the hospital black and blue with a concussion. It’s that feeling of making a stupid mistake or error of judgement that makes me doubt I’d be a decent parent. But my issues pale in comparison to what your family have been through.”
James shook his head, resting his hand on her arm. “No, don’t do that. Don’t minimise your trauma just because other people have been through their own. I’m in therapy too, I get how a mind can play tricks on us. I still blame myself for my husband’s death some days, when I’m having a rough time. You’re a survivor and abuse doesn’t steal your value as a person or a potential mother. If that’s what you really want, you have to hold onto that. Even if it takes years for you to get there. You’re hardly a geriatric. You’re not even in your forties. Don’t write yourself off.”
Catching her lower lip between her teeth, Ava searched James’ face briefly before she said anything further. It was hard talking so deeply about her own life when she was more used to talking to other people about theirs. Most of this, she had been burying away because she didn’t want to think about it again. How had they even slid here so smoothly? It had to be that charismatic streak James had. He was kind of a mix of Mark and Sam’s qualities but had his own side of mystery and clearly a very complicated traumatic past that instilled a lot of wisdom. Normally, she would be trying to sidestep out of a conversation like this but she didn’t feel like that. She gave a wry laugh. “Hey, I’m an ICU nurse. Some days, I feel geriatric, mate. I’m sure you get that.”
James snorted in amusement with a deep nod. “Yeah, without a doubt. But they’re jobs that someone has to do, right? Not everyone is lucky to find their niche in the world that gives them purpose and value to life. I’ve seen you in action when I’ve visited the lads. You’re made to do what you do. Do you miss being in the RAAF? Al says all the time that Defence is a different world.”
“I guess some days, I do. But it’s more missing the people than the job. I managed to escape without PTSD, but I saw my fair share of awful things. It might seem like an out of the frying pan into the fire thing but I prefer this sort of nursing and this job. The advocating for people going through painful experiences with their loved ones. I don’t have much of a life beyond that. And you? Do you miss the thrill of that SS deep undercover stuff? Shit, I don’t even know exactly what you do now. You don’t have to say if you can’t,” Ava quickly added, remembering he did work that was probably often highly classified and she wasn’t even a US citizen.
“It’s okay, seriously. No big secret. I’m a Special-Agent-in-Charge and I work in Crimes Against Children. I would say more about that but it’s exactly what it says it is and sometimes, things just aren’t for general conversation. What I will say is that one of the hardest things I’ve had to face in my life was learning my nephew was a victim of some of those horrific things but it drives me to keep doing what I do. Awful things can be a drive for a lot of good. The memories are heavy doing these sorts of jobs and some days, they get the best of us. I’m guilty of not taking the best care of myself sometimes but I’ve trained myself to get better at it since becoming a dad. Still, none of us Campbells are particularly good at that, save for Mum, maybe,” James admitted with a wry shrug, raking his fingers through his hair. “Jeez, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that sometimes I miss the adrenaline rush of that but it’s absolutely not the life of someone who has a family and kids to be present for. Even when I was home, they only ever had half of me because my head was never not in the game. Back then, when I made the choice to take the job offer, my love life was in the shitter and I thought it was some good I could do. Told myself my family would eventually be okay with my ‘death’. Instead, it drove Sparky to drink and have a nervous breakdown, he missed the first year of Jamie’s life because the grief and guilt of not protecting me as a big brother nearly killed him. Ali had to give birth alone when I promised I would be there for her and the birth was awful. Sammy had to escape to Doctors Without Borders as a coping mechanism. Alec wasn’t even able to be notified when it happened because he was incommunicado somewhere overseas. It was a total shitshow and I underestimated the impact on my family. But Ali did fall in love and ultimately marry the paramedic that delivered her to hospital, so I like to joke with her that I take the credit for that.”
Ava raised her eyebrows, impressed. “Special-Agent-in-Charge. Niiiiice. So, that means you’re, what… a boss man of some type? Sorry, clueless Aussie here. I don’t have any clue about the inner workings of the FBI. But I do know from when Alec and I kept in touch on and off that you were climbing ranks pretty quickly and were at the top of your game when the news came you were missing and presumed dead. I’m friggin itching to ask you how all that was pulled off but I get it, it’s probably classified because it was a big deal case you were working on. I can’t picture you as a dad at all, though. No offence. I just still remember you as this long-haired popular surfie kid with stacks of mates. Oh, you Campbell guys are absolute pains in the arse with taking care of yourselves. I’ve even been able to see how that’s trickled down from Mark to Justin with the workaholic tendencies. Make sure you don’t pass that on to your peanut. Use the Force, young Dad Jedi. Break the cycle. Not that I can judge but I only have myself to worry about these days. I’ve been trying to talk my baby brother into moving to Sydney but so far, no luck. But for what it’s worth, you’re not the only one with a miserable relationship history and I’ve even got a failed marriage in there too.” She patted his shoulder. “There’s no way your ‘death’ or ‘murder’ or whatever it was wasn’t going to total your family. You’re one of the closest families I’ve ever known, even through all the trauma.”
“Pretty much a fancy title for that, yeah,” James laughed after he finished the first piece of toast while he listened to Ava chatting. It was a nice breather after the chaos they left at the hospital. He had his phone out sitting on the arm rest beside him in case any updates on Mark or Justin came through. “I worked a couple of really high profile cases relatively early in my career and got a lot of experience in the field. After all that faked death craziness, when I made the decision to call it quits when I heard I had a kid on the way, I needed a change of pace for my own sanity. It took a lot of debriefing and soul searching. When I ended up a single dad, I didn’t want to do the hardcore field work anymore because the stress was making me sick. My diabetes was out of control for a bit there, I ended up in two DKA comas in a short space of time because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I took a promotion offer to Deputy Special-Agent-in-Charge and I actually didn’t mind the management side of things. And now here I am. Granted, on a leave of absence. I got a flight out here after the accident before we even knew if the lads survived the crash. You’re right, it’s just how our family is. Where does your brother live? How much younger is he? So, does your roster make dating hard or you’re gunshy on romance after past ordeals? Wouldn’t blame you at all for checking out on relationships all together after escaping DV.”
Ava had so many questions but she didn’t want to bombard James right after he had a bit of a diabetic hypo back at the hospital. She kept in touch with Alec sporadically via email before seeing him again when Justin and Sash were her patients, but he had never been particularly wordy about his family. “Last I heard, you were getting married to your nanny? What happened there? Did the workaholic thing get in the way? From the way Alec described it, she was pretty much the love of your life. Archer’s seven years younger than me and he lives in an amazing beachfront house on the Gold Coast. He’s been settled there for a long time and keeps asking me to move up there. Every relationship I’ve been in has ended in a messy, painful way, save for Mark. We ended amicably because we knew, logistically, it wasn’t working.” She shrugged, absentmindedly running her fingertip around the rim of her mug. “I don’t know. I wonder if there’s a relationship quota and once you can’t get your footing often enough, it’s just pointless. Maybe I’m jaded or maybe just plain cynical but no one seems worth the risk anymore.”
“Nat? Yeah, she and I had a good thing going. She was pregnant and we decided to get hitched at City Hall. CJ adored her and it was… easy. I’ve been much like you with relationships, it’s just been chaotic or messy. But when I was younger, I wasn’t exactly the settling commitment type of bloke. The casual thing was easier and I threw away a really good thing when I went deep undercover, my first field partner. She and I were too alike, though, and clashed a lot. Not a love/hate thing. Nothing like that. Just mixing fiery personalities with hardcore ambition. Before that, it was my husband, David. He was a cop who got shot in the line of duty and didn’t make it. Then before Nat, it was CJ’s mother. After all that, Nat was calm and caring. Just beautiful in every way but she lost the baby and she was homesick for London. She went home for a bit after the stillbirth and made the choice that she didn’t want to live in the States anymore. We parted amicably because homesickness is something I do truly understand and experience myself all the time. If nothing else, it was nice to have a peaceful end to a relationship to know it doesn’t always have to be chaotic.” James tilted his head to the side, picking up the next piece of toast and tapping the crust on the plate to shake off any loose crumbs. “Putting your heart on the line when you’ve been so burned is hard, I totally get it. Do you get worried you might miss a good thing if you come across it, though? Or none of it’s worth the hassle?”
Watching James taking a bite of the next slice of toast, Ava was wondering what it was about him that had her opening up about things she swore she was done rehashing. Maybe it was the fact he had similar experiences with complicated, painful relationships. “So, if you had a second chance with any of those you truly wanted to keep in your life — which sounds like all but CJ’s mum — would you give it another go?” She shook her head, screwing her nose up a little. “I don’t know, honestly. I see other people in happy relationships and I’m envious of it but I don’t trust myself to make a healthy choice. It all seems out of my reach.”
James finished the toast and leaned over to put the empty plate on the coffee table. “Wow, that feels like it should be a loaded question. I’d have to say no, I think. Because I’m not the same guy now that I was with any of them. So much has happened in my life, with my family, with what I deal with at work. It feels like even a whole different world since I was last in a relationship. I don’t know. I’m with you in that way, I think. Some days, I wonder if I’m immune to making a relationship stick. Do you think once we get those sorts of thoughts in our head, we self-sabotage without realising it?”
It was Ava’s turn to tilt her head, narrowing her eyes a little. “Oooo. Now who’s throwing around the potentially loaded questions? Is it really self-sabotage, though, or just much higher standards of who we’ll let close? If I’m going to risk letting someone inflict so much pain one again, preemptively minimising that risk seems like a good idea. There just seems to be a very, very fine line between risk minimisation and self-sabotage. I like to think I’m not necessarily choosy but if I ever try all that again, I want the person to be someone I would lay my life on the line to protect. You Campbells have set the bar really high on that,” she pointed out, resting her hand on his arm and giving him a smile.
“Only because we’ve seen people we love in a hell of a fucking lot of pain. But I stopped believing a long time ago that only bad shit comes from pain. I didn’t see it when I first started my career and we were bombarded with desensitising to the hard shit. It was before anything tragic truly happened to my family, save for Sammy losing Michelle and Dad’s heart attack. Now? I actually have endless admiration for folk who go through some of the most horrific shit this world can throw at them and are still good people on the other side. That’s the really tough deal.” James' gaze shifted to Ava’s hand on his arm when he felt a gentle sensation sweep over his arm at the warmth of her fingers. He wet his lips, suddenly remembering how long it was since he got laid that a simple touch could make him feel that. “It seems like it would be a waste if you let your pain cockblock your happiness. And I can say shit like that, after the absolutely batshit crazy things I’ve survived. Plus, every time I have a DKA episode, I tend to be reminded of why life is precious. Sometimes, it gets in the way and we forget that. Or forget that it’s the people we share it with that make the pain worth it.”
Ava watched James’ tongue slowly sweep over his lips. She couldn’t help it, he had very, very nice lips and it had been a long time since she had kissed anyone. But no— NO. There’s no way she could go there with Mark’s little brother when Mark was her ex and everything was so complicated with the Campbell family. Not to mention the fact she was in charge of the ward his nephew was a patient in. Even if Justin technically wasn’t a patient in her ward now he had been moved to Acute Mental Health. “A waste? I think I’m probably just saving he, she, or them a lot of hassle. You’re right, though. Pain can be pretty lonely, huh…?”
“Hassle? You genuinely mean that when you say it, don’t you?” James understood the psychological abuse domestic violence victims experienced along with the physical and it was heartbreaking to think someone beautiful, kind, compassionate, and intelligent like Ava had been so terrorised by her ex that she believed she would be a hassle on a future romantic partner. “Any he, she, or them would be fucking stiking it rich to have you. I know you don’t believe that and me saying it won’t change how your awful experiences make you feel but I can see it and I would bloody fight anyone who even so much as hinted otherwise. Because I know my big brother has impeccable taste in women, and my other big brother has impeccable taste in friends, and just from everything you’ve done for my family since Jus and Sash landed in your care, I know an incredible person when I see them. Plus, you know, they pay me a heck of a lot of money to have a good read on people, if you’re down on yourself so much that you think Sparky and Al’s tastes got it wrong.”
Catching the corner of her lip between her teeth, Ava listened, even if he gently called her out on her immediate inner reaction to what she said. She didn’t take her hand from his arm. “You don’t think dating someone with a history of trauma and poor choices of relationship is a hassle?”
James put his hand over hers, patting her knuckles as he held her gaze. “Were they poor choices or have arseholes just treated you poorly and cruelly not only made you believe you deserved it but you were the cause of it?” he murmured.
“Touche…” Ava said softly with a faint smile playing on her lips when she realised he was reading her just like he said he could. She wasn’t sure what was happening here, but it was something. He had those intense Campbell blue eyes like his brothers and nephew, one of the first things about Mark that she fell for all those years ago. She turned her hand over and as his hand easily settled into hers — before she could let her mind get in the way — she leaned in and kissed him.
Without even thinking about it, James returned the kiss because who the hell didn’t when a gorgeous woman started to kiss them? It took his head a few moments to catch up with other parts of his body that were without a doubt wanting to run the show here but when it did, he put his hand on her shoulder to pause the kiss. “Ava… Ava, hold on a sec—” Cupping his hand to her cheek, he laughed a little, not quite sure what just happened.
“Sorry, I—” Ava put her fingers to her lips, exhaling heavily. Eyes searching his face, she was trying to figure out why he stopped, until her brain abruptly settled on assuming she just made a stupid mistake, but he wasn’t pulling away or even pushing her away and suddenly, she had no fucking clue what the hell was going on anymore. “Fuck…”
Smiling, James shook his head. “Hang on, I just…” He stroked his thumb over her cheek because, no, he definitely wasn’t pulling away. “Is this what you really want? Don’t get me wrong. Really. If it is, I’d happily be a willing party but I respect you too much and understand what you’ve been through in the past. If you’re vulnerable and—”
“I’m not,” Ava quickly cut him off before he went too far down that rabbit hole. She knew in her gut she wasn’t averse to talking to about all of it and she had this strange to tell him every little thing about her but not the first conversation they had since he was a teenager and walking through his parents kitchen to grab a Vegemite sandwich on his way to the beach for a surf with his mates. Holy hell, was life and the world a very different place now since then for so many reasons she really didn’t want to think about right then. “Really. Though, it’s beautiful that you want to check. Such a Campbell signature move. But I really am very okay. And mutually willing,” she confirmed, holding his gaze with a nod.
“Okay.” James wet his lips and ran his fingers through the back of her hair. “If you wanna stop, just say the word…” he promised, claiming her lips again to resume the kiss, and this time, much deeper with no hesitation at all.
LOG, COMPLETE