"Of course, I would. You don't have to stress about that particular thing anymore. Me being... what did Jesse call it? Insular with my challenges, and that I'm not fighting a battle alone anymore. Like, that was such a simple comment he said to me but it really hit home. I promise that even if I feel like I need to be insular from everyone else, I won't be with you. Which sounds fucking dumb out loud when we just had a massive fight about me doing just that. But that wasn't me purposefully keeping things from you, it was truly just because I was trying my best to squeeze just that tiny bit more calm normalcy from life for us before shit hit the fan again. You weren't with me when I got my first diagnosis but back when all that was happening, they spelled the diagnosis out for me in beyond finite detail. Not just what I was immediately facing but what progressing to a terminal diagnosis would look like, what remission might look like, how long-term treatment would be... but most importantly, that those first twelve to twenty-four months after a successful bone marrow transplant, the odds of recurrence are extremely high. Through this whole process, I haven't deluded myself on that. I've never even tried to lie to myself about it, I just knew. Tried not to think about it too much but that's why I never really wanted to celebrate my remission news. The problem was, those three, four months in the middle there that I was feeling really good for the first time in a very long time. I was eating normally, sleeping well, plans were happening for me to return to work, we booked our honeymoon. I really did start to believe that it was okay to at least loosen the sensation of a noose around our necks just a little. Then I started to feel unwell again and honestly, baby, as much as I wanted to just believe it was the GvHD flaring up again, cancer pain for me is a very, very distinct pain. The fatigue is different too. I didn't want it to be happening but I knew it was and I was angry at my body, angry at medicine for not being able to do more. My big error was forgetting you hadn't had the cancer bootcamp with me at the beginning to have been counselled through all that stuff and failing to pre-empt that you could misread my anger and translate it as other things that caused you more unnecessary stress than you needed to be going through. And before you say you would've stressed about me anyway because it's cancer and it means I could still die, no. No, this time, it's on me. Just because I'm the one with cancer, doesn't mean everything defaults to my needs being the priority over everything. I should've had your back. I should've told you how I was feeling after that initial checkup appointment with Tara and Beau, even if I didn't realise at first that it was anger. Instead, I just thought staying busy and distracted until the test results came back was the best way to go about it. But really, I was just trying to brace for impact of the second diagnosis and trying to get some sort of look down the road how life might be able to look for us if I could shoot for some sort of hybrid between normal and not, or not just folding immediately to the sick person default. Last time, I was really sick before I started treatment. This time, it felt like I could at least try to continue working, if nothing else." Brandon watched Merlin's face, making sure he was taking everything in okay. They had talked a lot about everything since their blow up but it had taken Brandon a little longer to process the shock when he had so convinced himself he wouldn't be shocked to be told he was no longer in remission. Sometimes, he had to sit with things before he could accept them and saddle up to face them. His coping mechanisms were basically the opposite to Merlin's ADHD ones and sometimes, things had clashed in an emotional mess because of it. "I just wanted to give you a bit more context now I've had time to think after the initial shock wore off."

He wanted to just keep touching Merlin, enjoying the closeness and quiet intimacy, even if it had nothing to do with sex. His naked husband would always still be a glorious aesthetic. His absolute favourite. "I love every single one of your little rabid ADHD penguins and I want to be physically and emotionally present for you recovering from this op and deciding whether to meet your biological dad or not. Our foundations have never been sturdy but we still got through everything together. Even if I was as sick as I was back with the first diagnosis, I want to be there for you every step of the way. The next step is discussing treatment options with Tara and Lachlan. Beau might be stepping down from my case."