"Fighting is not good in a family."

[daysgonequiet]

Who: Justin Campbell and Shea Lancaster (with Mark Campbell later)
What: Unexpected Bonding
Where: Sydney, Australia
When: After this and this

It had been a rollercoaster week. Or rollercoaster month. Oh fuck it, Justin had to concede his whole life was a constant rollercoaster and all too frequently, left him with a churning gut and a desperation to just get the hell off. Not that the latter was a secret. It was why he struggled with the label of ‘survivor’. A lot of the time, he didn’t feel like he had survived anything. He had made it through a lot of shit because he had so many people who loved him and kept pulling him back from the brink but that brink wasn’t something he saw as ‘survivable’. More just treading water until his head sunk back below the surface to it again.

One small added silver lining of Sash coming out of the coma and waking up when he did was that it timed with Justin’s physiotherapy team wanting to start working on exercises that would first get him up on his feet with partial weight-bearing, then standing, and ultimately walking again. The orthos were happy with how fractures in his pelvis and sacrum were healing and he was now far enough post-accident to begin the process, though the process itself would take a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, no doubt. None of which Justin was foreign to in bucket loads lately. The physio had given him a way of compartmentalising the mess in his head because of the pain he felt doing the work. Physical pain was preferable to emotional and mental pain, no competition. He had been working extra on his upper body strength while he was immobilized from the waist down until he healed enough to be able to start weight-bearing again. Even the upper body strengthening had caused him pain in the first few weeks because he had the surgery to his spleen and bladder. He had to focus on core strengthening first. With all that, he didn’t let himself dwell on the chance he might not recover enough lower-body strength in his hips and lower back to dance again. If he let himself go there, he was sure the darkness would swallow him whole.

Once again back in the hospital’s physio gym, Justin sat on the side of the Pilates reformer bed after finishing the upper body program his physio had advanced him to a few days earlier. If he was holding up okay, they wanted to see if he could get into a standing position at the parallel bars and hold himself up to take the weight from his lower limbs. If he got that far, they were going to work on standing him longer and longer at the bars, then eventually trying some steps. It did all bear on how much he could support with his arms and core, though. He wanted to nail it. He just wasn’t sure he was there yet. It terrified him to fail this and his mind wasn’t as focused today, after Sash had a couple of bad days and his progress reverted a little. Apparently setbacks were normal. Setbacks were also terrifying.

Gritting his teeth against the pain rolling down from his shoulders and arms to his lower back and hips, sweat pissing off him, Justin shot an irritated glance at Shea, who was sitting on the next reformer bed over, rocking himself side to side on the sliding platform. “Why the fuck are you here? I’m not your cousin. Go bug Sash.” He took a mouthful of water and put the bottle down beside him so he could wipe his face with his towel.

“Because he told me to go fuck myself with a cactus and never to come back. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what he was saying from what I could decipher. I also think he was trying to call me a cunt.” Shea offered a sheepish shrug.

Justin tugged at the collar of his tank top that was slicked to his body, trying to cool himself down. “If I say the same, will you go bug someone else?”

“Only if you actually mean it. I know you well enough now to know that’s a long shot.” Shea smiled at Justin, knowing he was being a pain in the butt but he didn’t have a whole lot of other options.

Justin snorted, giving him a side-eye look and brief smirk before he was taking another gulp of water. “You underestimate my bitch mode, dude. Be grateful I’m too fucking exhausted to plant my foot down on it.” He closed his eyes, leaving them shut through a heavy sigh. “I know he was really… whatever the doctor said today. Combative. He didn’t want me there either. He just wasn’t buying my bullshit. All he wanted was Andi and getting pissed off because we weren’t telling him why she wasn’t there and it’s getting harder to keep lying to him. Pretty sure he was convinced he was hallucinating me anyway. Kept calling me Ren. But I guess I’d take that over yesterday.”

Yesterday was the worst Justin had seen Sash since he had woken up. Like he had the previous days, Justin had been taken in to see him in the morning, expecting it to be like the other days where Sash didn’t talk a whole lot but like listening to him play the guitar and sing. At first, Justin had chosen songs, steering clear of songs that had significant memories for them, one, because he didn’t want to overload him, and two, he wasn’t ready to keep seeing the blank gaze of unrecognition on Sash’s face when the memories were still escaping him. Sash had gotten a little better with recalling simple words and could string some more sentences together if he took his time. Justin had asked him if there were bands or singers he wanted to hear songs from and Sash could give him a tiny handful of answers that Justin knew were Sash’s favourites, so that was a good sign. Then he gently progressed to asking him if he wanted a specific song. So far, only twice Sash could give him something and the song titles were only a couple of words. Still, music was proving to be something Sash was anchoring too and it gave Justin a glimmer of hope.

Then yesterday, Sash just wasn’t there. For the first half hour or so Justin was there, it was a lights were on but no one’s home situation. He looked at Justin like he was a complete stranger and he didn’t respond to any attempts to talk to him. The neurologist was paged but before she could arrive to assess Sash, he ended up having a small seizure. It only lasted a couple of minutes at the most, but in the wake of it, Sash couldn’t move his head without vomiting. Every attempt to try, just made him sick again and he was getting distressed, especially when there was hardly anything in him to come up. Having him in an upright position was making him worse so they ended up lying him flat on his side so he didn’t choke when he was vomiting. After a second seizure, he lost consciousness and they gave him a light sedative to keep him sleeping so they could take him for another MRI to make sure there wasn’t another bleed or aneurysm. Justin didn’t know what the results were, they hadn’t filtered back to him yet. He had been too scared to ask, especially considering Sash’s personality was significantly altered that morning. Justin felt in a state of permanent terror lately. Working out and focusing on trying to get back on his feet was the only release he had.

Shea was so far removed from a life like Justin’s that he couldn’t fathom being a celebrity. “Does that happen often, people calling you Ren?”

“Sure. But not my fiancé.” Justin shrugged. “People are weird. Actually, no, that’s not fair. People’s psyches can be weird. It’s weird to me that they think I’m a fictional character but if there’s one thing I totally get, it’s how much we sometimes need to escape the real world, I guess. Especially the world we live in now. It’s fucked up. Plus, like, the fantasy ironically separates me from Ren. He’s straight or at least bi and I’m not, so the fans seem to get off on the shipping thing, whether it’s with themselves or other fictional characters. I’m really nothing like Ren. Being very gay and very committed to my fiancé is only part of it. But jumping in and out of him is second nature. Sash was always one person who never saw me as anything like him. I guess that’s why it’s hurting. It feels like he’s slipping away.”

“Ren could be bi? That’s different to the movie, then,” Shea noted, raising his eyebrows. He had seen bootleg portions of Justin in Footloose on YouTube but it was shitty quality and not enough for him to get a true appreciation of the show. He had read a lot online about how incredible it was, though.

Justin tilted his head with a slight shrug. “He’s evolved since I’ve been in the role but his sexuality has always been purposefully fluid, is probably the best way to describe it. He has a whole past before the events of the show when he comes to the new town, so that can be freely interpreted. It’s always been a part of him I’ve liked toying with. The fans like that there’s a bit of a flirtation between him and Willard but only if you take certain cues in a certain way. Part of the reason it’s been such a popular production is because people can interpret all the characters in multiple ways. Caden’s been a wizard with that, production-wise. He’s my boss, the Producer. It’s been a bit of fun for Merlin and I, especially once he came out as pan.”

Shea had to smirk at that, pushing his hair off his face. “Still blows my mind all these famous folk Sash is linked to. Like, I remember reading about the stuff with Brandon Blake when it was happening. Always been a huge fan and it was this major blow hearing he had cancer, then next we hear he’s not only gay, but married to your co-star. I still hadn’t gotten my head around the fact Sash was dating you. It just didn’t seem real. None of this seems real…” He didn’t want to be a complete awkward jerk and go into fanboy mode or anything, so he tempered what he was trying to say. Especially when he noticed Justin was looking at him, his blue eyes intense as fuck, like he wasn’t missing a word. He didn’t know him well enough to know if he was just a really good listener or he was always waiting for him to fuck up and say the wrong thing. Justin did call him out when he said certain things here and there but it was never confrontative. He just acknowledged it and that was it, the conversation continued. “I know there’s loads I don’t know about Sash or his life but honestly, there’s loads he doesn’t know about me too. Probably never will want to know. Like the fact I had a seriously full-on crush on Brandon since the show started. Now it’s awkward because the dude is, like, basically family to you all now. Please don’t tell your friend I have a crush on his husband,” he added with a laugh, averting his gaze with a flush of embarrassment.

Justin could still feel the sweat pouring out of him and when it was trickling into his eyes, he wiped his head with his towel again. “So, you’re not straight? Am I right in reading between the lines here that it’s not something you ever told Sash? Don’t answer if you’re not comfortable. I don’t want to assume anything. If you want to confirm or deny with me, though, it won’t go beyond me. I’m kind of stuck here until I feel okay to move anyway and hopefully not have a total mental meltdown trying to get up with those bars.”

“Fuck, trying to stand? Today?” Shea looked at the parallel bars and then back to Justin. “I’m probably not the person to be here for that. I’ll go.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to leave. Dad’s coming. You’re really feeling like you don’t belong in any part of Sash’s life, aren’t you? Just give yourself a break, mate. Nothing’s the same anymore. We’re all trying to figure this shit out. You’re his cousin. You’re family. It’s really ok— jesus fucking christ, cramp!” Justin whimpered, reflexively trying to grab his calf muscle, which was contracting painfully. He earned a bolt of pain through his back moving too fast.

Shea shot forward and crouched down by Justin. “Let me help. I’m a massage therapist. I can see exactly where it’s cramping. Do you want me to massage it for you?”

“Yeah. Fuck!” Justin bit out, squeezing his eyes shut.

“I’m just going to gently push your foot against my knee a little to stretch the muscle out.” Shea started to massage Justin’s calf muscle in slow strokes downwards towards his foot, watching to make sure he wasn’t causing him more pain. For a few moments there, Justin looked like he was going to puke or pass out with the pain but Shea could feel the muscle begin to relax with the massage and once it did, the pain would be easing off. “Keep the water up. It might be because you’re a bit dehydrated from overexertion. And yes, I’m not straight. I’m bi. I never told Sash. I hadn’t really figured it out before we had that horrible fight. My life was… shit. It only got worse after I basically lost my best friend. He was the only person I ever really confided much in. When I read that he had come out as gay, I was angry that he didn’t tell me. At least I know the full story now. I was just an angry person back then.”

Justin listened to Shea’s confession, hearing the shame in his tone and seeing it in the way he kept his gaze lowered while he concentrated on massaging Justin’s leg. “If it’s any consolation, he didn’t really come out. Not as gay, not as ace. He just had the penny drop moments but then he just… was. Probably because he hadn’t considered his sexuality before he met me. He didn’t have any process of self-discovery. He never questioned it, which is pretty cool when you think about it. It’s how it should be. He just rolled with his feelings. He always does. That’s one of the things I love the most about him. But his anxiety’s enough of a weight on him, he should have peace in other ways. Did you have a tough time coming out?” He let out a slow breath as the pain subsided. “Thank you. That’s really helping. This is what you do as a job? Massage Therapy?”

“I wasn’t really angry at him for not telling me. I was angry that I couldn’t be there for such a big moment in his life, I guess. I’m glad that’s not really the case, though him meeting you and getting engaged are pretty fucking massive things to miss out on. Well, I technically haven’t actually come out,” Shea admitted quietly, shrugging. “I do now, yeah. Just recently qualified. But worked for awhile as a nursing assistant and then an allied health assistant. My boss paid for me to do my qualification in massage therapy so I could easily get work wherever I travelled. It helped me with my visa.”

“You know that Brandon and Saxon Saintclaire are super marketed as sex symbols, yeah? I’m not saying that you’ve gone and ‘drunk the kool-aid’ or anything,” Justin clarified, making air quotes with his fingers. “What I’m saying is that it’s nothing to be embarrassed about crushing on him. Fan culture is a massive industry and we’re the product they’re selling. We’re willing participants, we know the deal. We’re just like living billboards for our work projects. That’s not to say it doesn’t get taken to the extreme by some, because it does. We still deserve our privacy, but we’re not supposed to want it. Trust me, Brandon’s totally hot and even more so in person. Merlin’s got no issues with fan crushes. Same as Sash isn’t bothered by it with me. Are you scared to be out? Australia’s really accepting, dude. I’ve never encountered homophobia any time I’ve been here.”

Shea sat back on his haunches, making sure Justin’s leg wasn’t going to seize up on him again and then stood to go get some hand sanitizer from the dispenser, rubbing his hands together when he came back to sit on the side of the pilates bed again. “Yeah, I noticed a bit of fan culture from over across the gym in the back corner behind me. A couple of girls and a guy about my age. I could see them trying to gawp at you via the mirror. The physio pulled the curtain to give you privacy. Not really scared so much as not really having that many people in my life to give a shit. Most of the places I’ve stayed have been really remote. Small towns, and I moved around a lot. I haven’t done a lot of thinking about what I want out of life.”

Justin just wrinkled his nose but wasn’t too phased. “My PR superstar told me the hyper-fans have been arguing about what hospital Sash and I are in since the accident was on the news. That’s why my team beefed up the security a bit. Maybe you should go ask if the guy is single,” he joked, keeping it light if Shea wanted to nope out of the conversation about his personal life. “But you’ve started to do that sort of thinking since your cousin nearly died? I get it, mate. I really do. My dad once said wake-up calls feel worse than a kick in the nuts. Clarity only comes once the pain subsides. I once had a dance partner accidentally headbutt me in the nuts when she slipped attempting a lift. It hurt so much, I puked. Not my finest hour as a dancer and no, I can’t explain the logistics of it happened but I can definitely empathise with Dad’s analogy. I don’t think the pain’s subsided for you yet.”

“I’m just surplus to requirement here, that’s all. I’m just not sure what my next move should be. But there’s no way in hell I’m going to whine about my life to you. It’s the last thing you need and my problems are barely a blip compared to what you’re dealing with.” Shea tucked his hands into his pockets and shrugged.

Because Justin’s physio was giving him a bit of time to rest before he continued his exercises for the session, as well as waiting for his dad to get here, he knew there was a bit of time to dig a bit deeper with Shea, seeing as the situation had presented itself. After the thousands upon thousands of people Justin had met since his performing career took off, he thought he was a pretty good judge of reading people and picking up on cues but having a mental illness, he also knew the ways people guarded when they were anxious. It wasn’t obvious in Shea because he seemed the sort of person to generally play it cool, maybe as a protective mechanism, that was probably harder with how worried he was about Sash, though.

“What next move were you going to make before you heard Sash was hurt?” Justin had another drink of water and pressed the straw back into the clip with his palm. “You’re not, by the way. Surplus to requirement. You’re family. Families hurt each other all the time. Everyone deserves a second chance. Sash won’t be the same guy anymore that you had the fight with. I’m not even talking the brain injury. I’m talking Andi’s death. His sexuality. Him learning to date a famous person and trying to figure out why the fuck my fans treat him like one too. Being a carer for someone with a stupidly complicated couple of mental illnesses and a trauma background. And I’m not saying any of that are things you could’ve given a lot of consideration to before coming to see him after you saw the crash on the news to know in your heart what you should do but I get a feeling you’ve been trying to figure out how to reach out to him for awhile and some of these things are why you haven’t. You didn’t want it to be like this, of course, but sometimes life just throws you this epic shit you don’t know how to navigate and you figure it out anyway. That’s one of these times. The next move was made for you, now you just got to think about these other factors in retrospect. Which fucking sucks, I know. Just remember, it’s the situation and circumstances that’s complicated, not Sash as a person. He’s just a much stronger and resilient person than he was when you had that fight. That Sash was still trying to figure out how to help his mom take care of his dad and to take care of his mom without her knowing that’s what he was doing. Forever. When he was still trying to accept that his dad was never getting better. The you that fought with him was the arsehole who tried to imply not giving your mom more gambling money, the money they need to live off for the rest of their lives to take care of his dad, was selfish. That still counts even if you didn’t know your mom blew the money they already gave her on gambling and that would’ve been an added blow you copped after losing your cousin and best friend. That’s the thing about trauma. You can never see it from the victim’s perspective.”

Shea didn’t realise how intently he was listening to Justin talk until he stopped. There was something calming in his mixed accent, which Shea had read online was a source of much discussion and arguments with his fans about whether he sounded more Southern American than Aussie, but having been in Australia for a couple of years now, Shea knew it was definitely leaned more Australian, though only a little and likely because Justin had so many Australians around him now. But it was what Justin was saying that he had hung onto every word of. He didn’t mean to gape at him, especially when he was sure Justin copped enough of being on the receiving end of people gaping at him, it was just the way he captured the essence of Shea’s predicament. “Jesus fuck, I heard you were like some freakishly young Yoda but I didn’t realise that actually wasn’t just a joke.”

Justin rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Too many people on this fucked up planet think anyone under thirty can’t possibly have been forced to learn a lot of real shit from going through a whole lot of shit. There’s some basic shit for them. But usually shit people go through is complicated and it’s just moronic to believe you don’t learn from it just because you’re young. Seriously, I guess there are worse people I can be likened to than Yoda. I’ve totally got better moves than him, though.” He shrugged and pointed at Shea with his water bottle. “If you’re purposefully dodging my question, that’s cool. I won’t grill you. But at least answer it for yourself.”

The pearls of Justin wisdom just kept coming and Shea almost forgot he’d asked a question through it all. “What move was I going to make before I saw your accident on the news? Part of me was considering going back home to apply for college. Only if I could get a scholarship, which would be tough, considering I dropped out of high school and would need to get my GED first. As much as I’d really love to study and get a qualification, I don’t know how my concentration would go with my ADHD and cash is a huge issue. In that, I don’t have much of it. I’ve always felt a bit lost in life, not having much direction. It just feels like it’s been getting worse lately. So, the answer to the question is I didn’t really have a particular move planned to make,” he admitted, feeling ashamed to say it out loud to a guy who was younger than him and had achieved so much. Justin was a freaking Tony and Grammy Award winner, for fuck’s sake. He had only found out about the latter when he read Justin’s entire Wikipeda page. He was apparently awards it one year when he was seriously sick in hospital after a suicide attempt and hadn’t been able to attend to receive the award in person.

Justin nodded, pressing his lips together. “Hearing you, mate. I barely passed my GED. I was offered a place to study dance and music at Juilliard just because of the Broadway thing but that was totally before anyone knew how terrible I am at school stuff. Like, I can do all the practical shit that I would’ve been learning about but that’s hand’s-on learning. The academic stuff, my brain just isn’t built for it. I’m only able to do what I do, how I do it, because of the C-PTSD. My brain processes shit differently. So, absolutely no judgement here. There’s something out there that everyone is good at, though. Like, Sash is so good with study and reading, all that jazz, he got accepted into three Ivy league pre-meds. I’ve been lucky to get to where I am because people gave me a chance and believed in my talent, even when I was unable to believe in it myself. What would you do at college if someone walked in and told you could step into any course?”

“Sash wanted to go to med school? Seriously? And what the fuck? Three Ivy Leagues? Which ones? Fucking hell, he was always brilliant at school. Aced it. Always had straight As. But his anxiety was a big deal. He would either puke or give himself epic migraines before exams, before oral presentations, before assignments were due. Would still ace it, regardless. What type of medicine is he going to do? Damn, I’m proud of him. Last I spoke to him, he was thinking about teaching but the thought of actually standing up in front of classes and teaching them was freaking him out. That’s partly where you came in, yeah?” Shea asked, still not sure he knew the whole story there, even if his Aunt Mhari had filled him in one bits and pieces when they talked sitting at Sash’s bedside before he woke up. “This. Physiotherapy. That’s what’s so fucked up about what I said in the fight. Uncle Martin always encouraged the idea of it with me because I had the interest through him.”

“Yeah, for a little while. At first, he was interested in nursing but the grades he got, he thought he could do much more to help people. But his anxiety had gotten a lot worse after Andi died and things got serious with me. It’s not easy caring for me, to say the least. He toyed with the idea of psychiatry, though he eventually made the decision that it would be too much for him to cope with. Med school, I mean. He hadn’t decided what alternative to pursue, it was still a work-in-progress. The schools were Harvard, Yale, and Columbia. I’m proud of him too. He worked so fucking hard and he’s super smart. It’s… fuck. It’s hard to think he might lose a lot of that with the brain injury.” Justin closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck, losing himself in his thoughts for a bit. It was hard not to when the worry took over. “One of my closest friends has ADHD. He’s on a full-ride studying Drama at Juilliard. Schools have a lot of support for people with learning barriers these days. Do you think you’d concentrate okay if you were really interested in the subject and your meds were doing their thing?”

Shea was angry at how much his own asshole behaviour had lost. He missed so much of Sash’s life and now it was a life he nearly lost. A life he might not even get fully back now he was awake. In some strange way, it was almost like he was listening to Justin talk about a stranger. It hurt. “He would’ve nailed it. Albeit, with a lot of stress and pain. Sometimes, I think it’s okay to cut our losses and admit it’s okay to take care of ourselves. It’s just a bit harder when you believe you need to be punished for doing something shitty. Fuck, if I had an opportunity like that, though? Yeah, I’d take it in a heartbeat. I’d at least give it a damn good shot.”

Justin wet his lips, analysing Shea for a moment or two before he nodded. “Okay, then. You’ve got it. If you find some colleges you’d like to study to be a physiotherapist at and finish your GED, I’ll pay for your college tuition. Before you argue, you know I’m loaded. I’ve got more money than I’ll ever know how to spend, which is why I give so much to charity. This isn’t charity. You’re family and you lost too much over not having enough money before. You’ve paid your dues. I work for a charity who funds giving young people with mental illness opportunities to follow their dreams. If that can’t encompass family, and if I can’t help others like other folk have helped me, then what the fuck is the point? But I can’t do the work and get the grades for you, so that’s on you. You can say no, just don’t argue that I don’t need to do this and I don’t owe you anything. That’s not what any of this is about. It’s about you, not me. And Sash.”

“Fuck,” Shea murmured through a slight laugh before he realised that was actually just a disbelieving precursor to tearing up because he was so touched by what Justin’s offer. He didn’t cry easily either. A lot of it was because he was brimming with pent-up emotions that had been lingering under the surface since he heard Sash was nearly killed in a car accident. He put his hand on his forehead, staring at Justin like he was some sort of mythical creature. “Are you serious right now? This is mental. Fuck. Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.”

“I’m not a snowflake about that shit. Don’t sweat it. I am, in fact, mental so who am I to argue?” Justin held his hands up with a shrug. “I feel like your ADHD has contributed to a lot of the shit you’ve been through and from just a few things you’ve said here today, regardless of what you told me when I first met you, it’s obviously made it hard for you to find your footing with a path you’re happy with. You’re in limbo and stuck. That’s what the charity I work with does and does it really fucking well. But you don’t have to get on their books and work with their support staff. It’s not what you need. You’re high functioning. All you need is cash to be able to do what you’re interested in, which will make it easier to focus on, despite the ADHD shit.”

Shea squeezed his temples between his thumb and middle finger, shaking his head once again as he dropped his hand back to his knee. “What if I fail? I’ve failed just about everything in my life. It’s chucking your very hard-earned cash away that could go to someone who really needs it,” he protested weakly.

“It is going to someone who needs it. Do you think my boss had any guarantee I’d succeed when he gave me a chance? I was a substance-addicted fucked up kid with absolutely no real experience with music or dancing beyond what I did in high school back in Chicago before I found my dad. Before he even filled the rest of the cast roles, I was diagnosed with bipolar and assumed he’d want to ditch me then as a massive liability, which I did turn out to be. Still am. He didn’t. He doubled-down on his faith that I should have the chance to do it. And I did do it, but not conventionally and not without a lot of help and support. Not without a lot of false starts and a lot of spaces of time where I was too sick to work.” Justin could see Shea was torn between wanting to stay and engage with this and wanting to run away so he didn’t have to confront the deeper issues. Both things Justin understood way more than he cared to admit. “It’s not a failure if you try and just can’t do it because of a disability. You said your uncle was a big influence in figuring out what you want to do. He’s got a disability. Do you think he’s a failure because he can’t race cars anymore? Do you think Sash is a failure because he decided he couldn’t deal with med school because of his anxiety? You don’t have to answer any of that. I know the answers and I’ve also had a fuck load of therapy about hating myself and hating what I live with, so I’m completely confident when I say this… why not give yourself the same understanding?”

Shea cleared his throat, biting his lip as he looked away towards the staff hovering around the gym’s reception area. He had watched the physiotherapy working with Justin earlier and he’d be lying if he didn’t admit to himself he had been wondering what it would be like to have a profession, do this work, help people like Justin literally get back on his feet. “He’d be pissed if he knew you were offering me cash. Considering the fight we had… and if he still remembered who you were.”

“You’re so wrong, it’s not even a thing, mate,” Justin murmured, watching Shea tiredly. “I’m not offering you cash, I’m offering you a Get Out of Jail Free card to change paths with your life. You’re guilty and have a lot of regret about the fight. You said yourself, you didn’t have the full story. You fucked up. There’s no doubt that you and Sash have a lot to work through when — if — he comes out of this essentially still the Sash he was before. That’s got nothing to do with me. Sash is also an ambassador of the same charity, dude. I know you’d have his support to turn your life around and have a fresh start. I’m not going to get into the shitty things I’ve done and been involved in but just trust me on this, Sash is one of the most forgiving and empathetic people I’ve ever met. I’ve done and said way worse to him than you did in that fight. Yeah, I was sick at the time but I think what you went through with your mom puts you at least in a similar category of extenuating circumstances.”

That was when Justin’s dad arrived, dressed down in jeans and a leather jacket, hands tucked in his pockets. “Hey, boys. That’s two very serious faces. Everything okay?” Mark asked, ruffling Justin’s hair and kissing the top of his head. Justin was flushed in the face and sweating heavily, probably a result of pushing himself as far as he could with his physio. Though, he couldn’t help his inner dad kicking in, analysing his son for any signs it was more than that. Justin had been treated for a UTI in recent days but he had been determined to keep the schedule of trying to get on his feet with the aid of the parallel bars. It was the first step of a very long road to recovery back to full fitness and the ability to dance professionally. It was also a distraction from the pain of seeing the love of his life so unwell.

“Justin’s trying to convince me to accept a massive gift I really don’t deserve,” Shea admitted, bewildered and still not at all convinced any of it was a good idea. It felt like they were going behind Sash’s back but he also didn’t want to tell Justin how to suck eggs as Sash’s fiancé.

“Oh, well, now that can’t be it, mate. Jus doesn’t give any undeserved gifts,” Mark reassured the poor kid knowingly. He still didn’t know Shea very well but Mhari had filled him in on the bare bones of what happened when he and his mother fell out with Sash’s family. As someone who battled with addiction, he could understand the stress and chaos that could wreak on a family. He sympathised with Shea’s mother from that stance, and Shea as the child of an addict. But he also more than understood why what happened would have caused Sash to arc up and protect his parents. Sash very rarely arced up, he was a placid and unassuming kid, so the fact he had then and how it played out said a lot. That didn’t mean Shea should keep punishing himself for it for the rest of his life. “He can also be a stubborn shit who will dig his heels in on something he’s determined to do, so you probably don’t have a lot of leverage to turn it down,” he had to add, grabbing a chair from over by the wall and pulling it up to sit with them. He just had a chat with Justin’s physio out in the hall and they wanted to let him rest and take in some more fluids before they tried the next step of getting him up. As it was, it could be a complete disaster.

Justin was rubbing his shoulder, which was aching now he had stopped the strengthening exercises. “I told him I’d pay for him to go to college because he wants to go, not buy him a fucking Bugatti. And I said he could say no. Jeez. But yeah, I can be a stubborn shit when there’s no valid reason for someone to be turning an offer down.”

Mark shrugged, amused at the way Shea was still gaping at Justin. His kid was a pro at the dramatic gestures. Helping people who had struggled with challenges in life like he had was important to Justin and he didn’t do these things for any sort of return. It was genuinely because he wanted to help the person and had the means to do it. Justin didn’t have a lot of concept of money. He was a millionaire in his own right and earned a lot not just from being a popular performer, but he was a songwriter that drew in royalties on the songs he had written, and had sponsorships too. On top of that, Mark had engaged one of the best financial advisors in NYC when it became evident Justin was going to make a lot of money when he rose to fame, so a lot of his earnings had been invested and a significant portion filtered into charities he supported or was a young ambassador for. The financial side was beyond him so Mark oversaw it and even though he had to know where Justin was spending his cash so he didn’t do anything reckless during manic episodes, he had access to whatever cash he needed or wanted via credit cards with daily limits. “Ball’s in your court, mate. Just give it some thought.”

“I… okay,” was all Shea could say, shaking his head slowly in bewilderment yet again. He would definitely give it thought. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to think about much of anything else now but maybe that was why Justin did it. Worry about Sash was all-encompassing for them all, so maybe it wasn’t a bad thing to have a distraction. Justin had said earlier that was part of why he was pushing with his physical therapy. Concentrating on the exercises emptied his mind of other things, even just for a short while. However, it was suddenly making him starkly conscious that he didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. The relationship with his mother had been distant since he learned the truth of what happened with Sash and his parents, and he hadn’t told any of the friends he made backpacking who his cousin was or who his cousin was engaged to. He didn’t want to invade Sash and Justin’s privacy or open himself up to anyone digging for inside information. Sash’s loss and absence in his life was hurting now more than ever.

Justin watched Shea and could see on his face a lot was going through his mind. He had gone from looking confused and bewildered to sad and something else that was hard to pinpoint from just his expressions. But his slumped posture and averted gaze said a lot too. “You okay?” he asked Shea quietly.

“Dad’s here. Are we ready to take a shot at getting you on your feet?” Justin’s physio, Leighton, asked as he came back over, rubbing hand sanitizer into his hands.

Shea didn’t have the chance to answer and Justin reluctantly drew his gaze from Shea to Leighton with a pained scrunch of his face. The rest break Leighton had given him until his dad arrived to be there for this pretty massive step in Justin’s recovery really didn’t feel long enough. His gut was churning with increasing fear but he kept thinking back to Sash and what he had conquered with even just waking up and trying to communicate. Justin had to grab his balls and just do it. “Not really…” he mumbled. “What happens if I pass out?”

Mark looked up at the ceiling, wondering if something was wrong with the ventilation in the gym. The room was hot and oppressive, so he took his jacket off and draped it over the back of the chair. He didn’t know how the patients could do what they needed to do with no air in this place. Then again, maybe it was just side effects from the cocktail of medications his doctor had started him on after what was now officially being considered another nervous breakdown, or ‘mental health crisis’, as they preferred to label it these days. It was vital he was here for Justin because this was about more than physical progress. It was going to take Justin a lot of mental courage and strength because any little struggle would seem to Justin like a strike at getting back on that Broadway stage. But Mark had already discussed that at length with Justin’s care team, who his physio was part of. Care conferences had been happening about these next steps for a couple of weeks now. Mark had filled them in on how Justin may respond to setbacks. It was hard to anticipate how it would play out. Why was his head starting to pound with a thumping headache he could really do without today?

He crouched down in front of his son, resting his hands on his knees. “It’s okay, kiddo. They know what they’re doing. You’re in good hands. It’s not a failure or a setback if you don’t get across the line the first time, okay? Your body’s been through so much and it might take smaller steps to reach the goals. It’s just like your training for Footloose. But rather than learning the script or the songs or the choreography, you’re learning your body. It’s just like what Sash is trying to conquer. I’m right here.”

It was exactly what Justin needed to hear when he was veering close to freaking the fuck out. Instead, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, nodding as he wrapped his arms around his dad for a much-needed hug. For a couple of lingering minutes, he just clung to his dad while he fought off the urge to cry. Crying would zap the energy he needed to try to battle those parallel bars and the way his stomach was in knots about Sash these past couple of days, he was sure if he actually let himself start to really cry, it would be another floodgates bursting open situation. After the hug, he sat back and rubbed his hands over his face. “Okay. I gotta do this.”

There was a bit of a process to get Justin ready to face the task of trying to go from sitting to standing position holding his weight with the parallel bars. The physio wrapped a special belt around his waist over the brace he was wearing to support his lower back and pelvis while he did the physio exercises. He was also wearing special gloves so he could maintain his grip and as the physio. He didn’t take his eyes off the physio, who was once again slowly going over the instructions of what they would do and how he would support Justin getting from sitting to standing, albeit non-weight bearing. It sounded so easy but this was possibly one of the hardest things he ever faced in his life and he had pulled off a hell of a lot of big moments. It was only tuning everything else out in the room and around him off that he could grab his balls — figuratively, of course — and do this. He was glad his brain had such strong capacity for compartmentalizing otherwise all the other noise would get in the way and freak him the fuck out. He’d never do anything. He would be hidden away in a closed ward, unable to face anything in life while his demons bore down on him relentlessly.

Bracing himself to be able to take Justin’s weight in lift, the physio showed Justin his hands first before putting them on Justin’s waist where he would use the belt to pull him up. The first day the physios had started to work with Justin, it was evident he didn’t always cope with the physical touch of strangers, so they learned to take any exercises where they needed to use their hands to support him slowly and to make sure he knew before they did it. It definitely helped Justin adjust to the routines they worked him through. The physio gave him a nod. “Okay, we’re going to go on five. Use the first three counts to breathe in, then out, then in again. On four, I’ll start to pull you forward and on five, we rise up. Ready?”

Mark had stepped back so he wasn’t in the way and he saw the moment Justin went into the zone and put his game face on, just like he did when he was performing. He was glad Justin had the ability to block his surroundings out because Mark was starting to feel a little unwell all of a sudden and he didn’t want Justin to notice. It felt like the room was getting hotter and more suffocating by the second and his head and face felt on fire, giving him a pounding headache. He was abruptly conscious of his heart thumping in his chest and he hoped the accompanying sensation was a tightness starting in his chest. It was almost like he was starting to have a panic attack watching his son do this but he wasn’t sure. He was filled with an awful sense of dread that flooded through him and he started to hyperventilate just as the physio began the count to get Justin up out of the wheelchair. He put his hand up to his mouth to stifle a cough, which turned into a coughing fit, and he clawed at his chest with his other hand.

“Mr Campbell? Are you okay?” Shea put his hand on Justin’s dad’s arm, trying to get his attention. He had gone all red in the face and was sweating heavily. The most concerning part, though, was that he was suddenly breathing shallowly, like he was struggling to catch his breath. He threw his hand up, trying to get the physio’s attention. “Wait! We need help! Something’s wrong!”

“DAD!” Justin cried and it was lucky the physio reacted quickly and put his hands on Justin’s shoulders because he grabbed the armrests of the wheelchair, reflexively wanting to push himself out of it as soon as he saw something was wrong with his dad. And that would’ve been catastrophic with likely permanent consequences. Panic overtook everything in that moment and the next few minutes became a horrifying blur that led to him having a near hysterical breakdown that he was watching his dad dying right in front of him from another heart attack.

It wasn’t a blur to Shea and he was pretty sure this would remain an awful memory burned in his brain forever. Being in a hospital was about the only plus because physio had hit the big red arrest button on the nearby wall before shooting back to assist Mr Campbell. He was closely followed by a bunch of other people converging in a rush so Shea fell back to where Justin was, not at all convinced Justin still wouldn’t try to stand to get to his dad. He seemed to fight against the physio at first but it was probably just reactionary seeing something was wrong with his dad. And there was. After getting violently ill, Mr Campbell collapsed to the floor and next thing Shea knew, it felt like a scene out of a movie with staff working on him and attaching medical shit to him. He had gone from being red in the face struggling for breath to being a really awful pallor and Justin was screaming that it was his heart. Something was wrong with his heart.

Without even thinking, Shea put his arm around Justin and although Justin did flinch at his touch at first, he didn’t shove Shea away. Only after the flinch did Shea remember that his aunt had told him Justin didn’t like people in his personal space unless he invited them there. He would apologise for the slip later but for now, with his dad looking very much like he might be about to die on a hospital floor, Shea stuck close knowing Sash couldn’t. Shea was terrifying Mr Campbell was about to pass away right there considering how unwell he seemed to be. He could even imagine what Justin was feeling.

LOG, COMPLETE