Alec Dorian Campbell (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
circlesofthemind) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2023-06-18 02:37 am
circlesofthemind) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2023-06-18 02:37 am
"'Cause I'm in no kind of frame of mind to let you go."
Who: Alec Campbell and Justin Campbell
What: Finding the Balls
Where: Sydney, Australia
When: After this
Alec had gotten pretty good over the years of being able to scrutinise his patients without them realising he was. It was just basic human nature that how a person was, was often the most clear when they didn’t think they were being assessed. When they had to be in the presence of anyone who could or should be analysing them, emotional walls or barriers could reflexively come up. Justin had always been difficult to read sometimes, while others, how he was could be written all over every inch of him. He often didn’t know he was being either, so it wasn’t that he purposefully blocked anyone trying to help him by interacting with him. Alec had learned during their first few interactions after he met him that if Justin wanted to block you out, he didn’t try to hide it. Sometimes, he didn’t want to or couldn’t communicate how someone needed him too or he just didn’t have the energy to engage. That was okay. Alec had all the time in the world for his nephew. The simple fact was, Justin trusted him as a psychiatrist and he was one of the many therapists who had worked with Justin regarding his C-PTSD who Justin trusted with things he had completely stonewalled other therapists on, leading to significant breakthroughs in relation to his traumatic past.
He had been sitting with Justin for close to three hours now. At first, he tried the usual talk therapy techniques to see how receptive he might be to talking about what was going on in his head since Sash had woken up and it became evident he was suffering from post-traumatic amnesia and possibly other neurological deficits that could yet be fully assessed. After that, Justin withdrew right into himself again and had refused to go back in to see Sash again. Or, at least, he had declined the offer any time anyone asked if he wanted to visit with Sash again. It had been days now and Sash had become confused about whether Justin had even been there at all. It was easy to make assumptions as to why he didn’t want to go back but with Justin, assumptions were always a dangerous game. No one knew really what he was thinking or feeling, let alone why.
Alec had his suspicions but so far, Justin hadn’t been ready to talk about anything. Once he knew that, he asked Justin if he wanted to watch a movie with him instead. He got barely a shrug as an answer when he asked if he had any preferences, so he chose something that wasn’t just a favourite of his and his brothers when they were kids, but of Justin too now — Weird Science. Of course, it had to be an 80s movie.
Only despite being about halfway through now, Justin wasn’t watching. He wasn’t even looking at the laptop screen on the portable tray table over his lap. His gaze had been oriented in the general direction of the bottom of the door connecting his room to Sash’s nextdoor, his head against the pillows and dropped a little to the side. It had been tempting for Alec to snap his fingers in front of his face to see if he was even still there but every now and then, he blinked slowly a few times and vague expressions passed his features. He was there, he was just lost in his own head.
Until, finally… “I’m going to fuck him up, Uncle Alec.”
The first thing Alec did was turn the volume of the movie down a few notches. For all the power Justin’s singing voice had, he was a softly spoken kid in general but that was even more so when he was lost inside his own head and struggling to verbalise what he was feeling. Alec still remembered the first deep conversation he had with Justin, it was almost entirely without eye contact with Justin downcast and talking lowly, as if he was ashamed of the words coming out of his mouth. “Fuck him up in what way, mate?”
Justin went to answer but he hesitated because he had no real clear, unscrambled answer to that. “I—I dunno how to not love him.” He put his hand to his face, squeezing his fingers to the corners of his eyes to try to stop himself crying before it hit and he couldn’t prevent it. “Like… I get what the doctors are trying to do and why but I… can’t just… switch it off.”
Alec noted Justin’s voice was wavering. Poor kid had nothing left but to cry because it was a fucked up situation he had no control over. There was no worse feeling than that. “Do you think it could be less about trying not to love him and more about loving him more than ever? Just in a different way for now.”
“I guess so, yeah,” Justin mumbled, glancing at his uncle but all it did was make his head feel even heavier and he nursed it in the palm of his hand, closing his eyes.
“Not convinced?” Alec noted with a pat to his nephew’s shoulder. “Is it because you can’t think of it like that or you don’t think you can love him in a different way? Because you’ve both been loving each other in a lot of different ways since the day you met, mate. You really have. We’re just not designed to think so much about it any way other than singular and linear.”
With a couple of long, tired blinks, Justin looked at Alec again, needing to let the words sink in a bit before he could unpack them. “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter what I think. It’s what he thinks. The chances of me fucking up when I talk to him are probably almost 100% and the moment I do, he’s going to think, why the fuck is this weirdo-arsed famous queer bloke in my hospital room saying creepy shit to me? Just… maybe not so much like that exactly because I’m not really sure how he thinks of things right now when he can’t even get words out properly. Like… like it or not, when someone says love shit to you and they’re not in love with you, it’s creepy. Probably even more creepy when they’re gay and you think you’re straight.”
Despite the fact Justin always had a way with words and a unique way of putting things, now wasn’t the time to be amused about it, Alec knew that. “Okay, but let’s think about what you know of Sash’s sexuality for a moment. He’s talked about the fact he was probably always gay but because he’s also ace and hadn’t identified it until he met you, he didn’t actually think about it at all until then, did he?”
Justin wasn’t following Uncle Alec’s train of thought at all, pretty sure the last thing relevant was Sash’s sexuality but he offered a small shake of his head. “He hadn’t even thought about sex, period, let alone who he should want it with.”
“He hasn’t lost his entire memory, Jus. He’s only lost up until somewhere between seeing you perform on Broadway the first time with Andi and her family and before her death, prior to the strain of the trauma of her death. So, where his brain is at, his sexuality hasn’t been something he has gotten close to interrogating yet,” Alec explained, giving Justin a few minutes to follow what he was mapping out before he continued. “Even if you make a minor slip, get a little too familiar, say something affectionate, it’s not likely he will view that as anything romantic or sexual. And that’s only if we assume he has the capacity to register micro-cues, which, given where he’s at having just woken up from a coma in recent days, it’s unlikely. As he recovers little by little and likely regains more neurological functioning, he could begin to identify the familiarity more but until he remembers you, he won’t have the memories that triggered the discovery and exploration of his sexuality. If you keep that in mind, it’ll be easier for you to temper your interactions with him. Keep remembering it less in a sense that he’s lost his love for you, just that he hasn’t found it yet. That doesn’t mean he has no capacity for it.”
Justin’s forehead wrinkled as he looked down at his hands, taking it all in and trying to calibrate it with what he had been feeling. “That’s true, I guess. So, you don’t think he’ll think I’m some creeper if I fuck something up when I talk to him? It’s just that… my head’s so fucking messed up too. I feel like I have to remember so fucking much or I’m gonna screw with his mind and scare him or freak him out because he doesn’t know me. I’m a fucking stranger. I’m not more to him than some faceless dude on a tv screen. For all I know, he thinks he’s imaging me. The doctors are like, remember this, and remember fucking that. I barely remember what fucking day it is. I feel like I’m stuck in a sick nightmare I can’t wake up from. They seem to think me talking to him or some shit will help his memory but he doesn’t fucking remember me!” His voice rose a little in frustration but it was scratchy and hurt his throat. “Don’t they see what a mindfuck this is for me too? I’m fucked up. I’m not a good option to fix him. That’s their job! I don’t fix anyone, I fuck them up more than they already are.”
“Jus, buddy, I know it’s near impossible not to but you’re overthinking this. That is somewhat to the detriment of Sash’s doctors here, they don’t have a full comprehension of how your C-PTSD functions and informs your responses. But this isn’t about wanting you to fix him or even expecting you to know what to say or how to respond to him. The only reason they think you should be there is because you’re his fiancé and he needs something of comfort and familiarity to be able to anchor to the more and more he regains functioning. You also need him. It’s to help you both. No one is expecting you to perform miracles, I promise you that. Just for now, try to talk to him how you did in the early days before you were officially dating or fell in love. That’s all. The more time you spend with him, the more he’ll adapt to you and your presence. Does that make sense?” Alec asked, taking Justin’s hand to hold so he didn’t start trying to claw at his skin or pull at the bandages securing his IV lines in place as his anxiety levels crept up again.
“Dude. I overthink fucking everything!” Justin threw back helplessly, putting his hands up to his face again. “I want it to make sense. I want to get it all right. I’m really fucking trying, Uncle Alec. Sash and me, we connected pretty quickly in the start. There was something there right from the get go. Maybe not love and maybe not dating, but the first few weeks, we felt things. We talked so much. There was connection. There’s no connection now. I’m not family. I’m not Andi. She’s who he needs!”
Alec let Justin vent his frustrations. Or at the very least, begin to. There would likely be more to come. “Andi can’t be here, mate. She’s gone. You’re still here.”
“Fucking worst consolation prize ever. My poor guy. I can’t fucking help him and I hate it. You know why I hate it even more? Because I know this is how Dad feels all the time trying to help me. It’s how Sash feels. How do they do it all the time? This is horrible. Fucking hell! I can’t cry. I don’t stop until I make myself sick if I start.” Justin was back to having the heels of his hands planted against his eyes. If nothing else, maybe it would block the tears coming out.
“You’re upset about hearing your dad’s sick too, buddy?” Alec broached gently, carefully. It might be too soon and it could explode in the worst ways but as a therapist, he had to feel out the potential openings where they came up.
It was enough to get Justin to stop trying to squeeze his eyeballs out. He held his hands up to Alec and shook his head. “No. No, don’t do that. I’m not upset about his diagnosis, like I somehow can’t handle it. I fucking saw it before anyone else did. It was different, but I saw it. His depression is different, he doesn’t get manic the way I do. You know what I am, though? I’m angry because he’s going to do that dad thing of pulling away and trying to spare me, to try to protect me. For some reason, he just doesn’t get how that fucks with my head and that I miss him just being my dad when he does. And I’m pissed off because I know I do the same sort of thing but he’s my dad. He doesn’t get to pull the fuck away and use bipolar as the excuse. Bipolar is one fucking thing he can’t shield me from. He’s gonna have to learn how to just deal with that and in the meantime, I’m allowed to be pissed off until he does. Not at him. At how fucking cruel mental illness is. I hate it. Fucking. HATE. It. Never in a million years would I want anyone I love to feel the same things I do. Okay? Can we shelve that part of my psychoanalysis today? I need to freak out about other shit right now. If there’s a chance Sash is gonna slip away from me, I need to somehow give it my best fucking shot to stop him.”
Alec knew if Mark had just heard what came out of his son’s mouth, he would be stunned and probably devastated at how tuned in and en-pointe for the situation he was. Mark was one person who always noted and underscored that Justin was insightful and often saw things in situations far deeper than people realised he did, more than he verbalised. Until he just… did. Like this. He struggled so much with his emotions and his psyche, the two very infrequently calibrating together for him, but he occasionally could force out what he was feeling if he let his stream of consciousness take over. It was how he was such a successful songwriter, because that’s where his emotions could make sense to him. It was true, Justin could never switch off his mind to prevent his overthinking and there were times when he tried to get things out of his head and into words where it was just chaotic, rambling, senseless. It was only his severe depressive episodes when his mind ground to a halt. His everything ground to a halt and he would end up bedridden. But other times, he could intelligently express and articulate the chaos in his mind. You could never take that for granted when he did. Alec would talk to Mark about it but for now, he would respect Justin didn’t want to go there any further. He might not be ready to until he moved through the anger of the grief cycle he was stuck on for multiple reasons right now.
“Jus,” he tried again calmly, taking his nephew’s hand and rubbing his other soothingly over his wrist. He was shaking from getting worked up. He didn’t want to push him to a point he disengaged completely and retreated back into his own head. “What’s one thing you remember really clearly about those first few weeks meeting Sash? It was soon after Bondi, so I know some of your memories will be hazy but there will also be others that are vivid, because he helped pull you out of that darkness at that time. He was your anchor, like you need to be for him now. So, draw from that.”
“I…” Justin began but stopped, a deep frown falling across his face. “The way he looked at me. I’m not talking in a way, like, how my fans look at me or anything. I know that’s thirsty as fuck because they don’t really know the real me, it’s just this fantasy they’ve built up in themselves. It wasn’t that. It was like he could see inside me, just in this way that didn’t frighten me. It was the opposite, it made me feel safe. I trusted him. When I spoke, I could see in the way he looked at me that he was really listening. Which was totally true, because he remembers the things I said back then, even how I said them. I mean, not anymore. Not… I guess there’s a chance he’ll never remember anymore. That’s what I mean, Uncle Alec. He looks at me now, it’s so… vacant. Like he’s trying to read something written on my forehead in another language, he can’t quite grasp it. How do I connect with that? How we connected back then, it’s not there.”
Alec nodded with how Justin was describing how Sash currently was. He didn’t want to piss in his pocket and tell him it was raining, give false hope, just offer some unhelpful medical drivel. Justin wasn’t looking for medical answers. “You’re right, he’s not there yet. That’s why he needs an anchor. Just be sweet with him like you always have been. Take it moment by moment and give yourself a little time with his responses to think what information he could be taking in. He’s still Sash. But it’s okay to still miss him, even if he’s woken up. This will hurt a lot whatever way you try to look at it. Part of you is still missing, even if he’s right there. It’s okay to be feeling an indescribable type of grief. That’s why I’m here, so you can talk about it if you need to.”
“Talking makes my brain hurt when there’s no answers to fix anything…” Justin mumbled, taking his hand back to fold his arms at his chest, hugging himself to try to disappear in on himself and shrug off whatever this strange mix of emotions he was feeling. It was like treading water in a deep dark sea and he didn’t like it. It felt like any little thing could pull him under and if it did, he wasn’t sure he wanted to try to fight his way back to the surface. “The worst part is, I don’t even want to fucking fix things. I just… don’t want him in pain. I don’t want to cause him pain.”
“It’s not always possible to help someone how they need to be helped without causing some pain, kiddo. You’re right, that’s the hardest part of all and I don’t have any advice on how to make that easier. It’s just part of what love is. Sometimes, love is pain.” Saying things like that to his nephew, Alec had to agree, was definitely painful. Justin’s stress, sadness, and heartache was oozing out of him.
Justin’s gaze shifted to his uncle and interrogated him quietly for a time that might seem awkward to others but he knew his family was used to it with him. It could take time for his mind to catch up and fumble his thoughts into something rational. “So, why did you break up with Kade?” he eventually asked. “He still loves you but you’re going to lose him for good. When he came to visit me, he said it was to say goodbye.”
“What?” The word fell out of Alec through a sharp gasp and he looked at Justin, stunned. If not, feeling a bit like he had whiplash at the sudden subject change. Again, not unusual for Justin. The kid could segue between topics like a bad spin in the dodgem cars.
“Don’t fuck it up, Uncle Alec. For fuck’s sake. I know that can be, like, a Campbell signature move but just don’t. You wouldn’t be still be all having sex as soon as you see each other again if it really was a lost cause. If I have to be psychoanalysed, than you have to too.” Justin tried to uncoil himself a little, rubbing his arm and shoulder that was hurting from how tensed up he was. He kept glancing at the door to Sash’s room, feeling that renewed wave of anxiety thinking about trying to talk to him again. He never wanted to feel that about Sash. “And don’t tell me this is not about you. I know that. That’s why I’m making it be. Sometimes, I need a rest from my own shit. So fucking much.”
Alec rubbed his face and gave his nephew a hint of a long-suffering look. “Did you just pull the… ‘Move, I’m a traumatised gay’ move on me, Jus?”
“I’m allowed to. You’re fucking up your relationship and I’m trying to figure out how the hell to friendzone my fiancé because he doesn’t know who the hell I am and his brain barely knows how to word. But to answer your question, no, I didn’t. I’m just trying to tell you that you’re going to lose him for good. He came to say goodbye to me because he’s moving to Byron Bay. It’s too painful staying in touch with all of us and trying to be friends with you. He’s taken a coaching job up there. So, you probably have, like, days maybe to talk to him. Or not, if you don’t want him in your life at all. Ever. Ever again.” Justin rubbed his forehead, feeling the inevitable headache set in yet again when he stressed about seeing Sash. “But why not? You’re still in love with him. He’s still in love with you.”
Alec was scrambling to try to catch up with the information Justin was revealing. He hadn’t known Kade had been to visit Justin but he wasn’t surprised by that particular fact because Ava would’ve been able to make the exception for him. It was the extra information Justin was revealing here. He didn’t know why he always assumed Kade would remain in Sydney and that they would continue to have mutual connections but it sounded like Kade was trying to cut ties with all the Campbells, simply because it was too painful for him to see Alec at all. That was hard to process, especially considering they ended up sleeping together instead of trying to talk out their issues and when he woke up in Ava’s flat, Kade had been gone. Alec had been pissed off at him for that but he guessed he assumed they’d eventually talk somehow. That would be impossible, if Kade was moving north to Byron. “Because I don’t think there’s a workable solution, Jus.”
“How could you if you had sex instead of talking? Yeah, he told me. He also told me there’s a lot I don’t know and I’m cool with that. That’s your stuff. Couples have stuff and sometimes that stuff can be horrible and it’s the last fucking stuff in the world you want to be dealing with. But if you can do it together, why wouldn’t you? Do you really want to lose him for good? That’s just all I’m trying to say. Don’t make me need my brain more. It’s not working properly. At least just talk to him before he goes to say a proper goodbye.” Justin put his head back on his pillow, still nursing his forehead. “Why do all adults seem to be really bad at figuring out relationships? Y’all starting to make me seriously scared for my hopes if you can’t figure it out.”
Alec held his hands up. “No, I think you’re right, mate. I do need to talk to him. The main reason why things got messed up was we didn’t communicate well. Timing hasn’t been in our favour but that’s no excuse. Not really. That’s the thing about being an adult. You get really used to having excuses for things when they get hard. If there’s one thing I should learn from my nephew, it’s that sometimes you just have to confront the difficult stuff without looking for excuses. Excuses don’t fix anything and… we should never take it for granted if the person we love is safe and well. It’s not about solutions. It never has been. It’s about finding ways to be on the same page.”
Justin shrugged, not really sure by now if he was helping or making it worse but he would be devastated if he never saw Kade again. He could see as clear as day not loving each other wasn’t his uncle and Kade’s problem. “I went through something like that with Will. I know it can’t always just work out. But Will and I were kids, trying to figure out shit we were too young to be dealing with. You and Kade have loved each other forever. Or long enough that it’s like forever. Long enough to matter and not just let it die without… well, being on the same page that it should and why. If not even any of that, just don’t let him go thinking you don’t give a fuck. I know you give plenty of fucks, Uncle Alec. I knew that the first day I met you. It’s probably why he’s so confused. You have plenty of fucks to give for every one else but it doesn’t seem like you have any for him.”
And there it was. For Alec, Justin’s last comment hit him almost like a physical blow. That was what Kade had been trying to tell him the day he came to the hospital to show his support for Justin and Sash, which ended in him and Alec sleeping together at Ava’s flat, Alec crashing out right after it, and waking up in the bed alone the following morning. He took it as a sign that Kade didn’t want to work things out but what if it had actually been the opposite? What if he had been feeling like Alec had fucks to give for everyone but him and the moment in Ava’s flat was proof to him? What if he saw that as a sign to finally pull the plug for good because it just wasn’t worth the pain? He laced his fingers together, resting his clenched hands against his mouth as his brain kicked into overdrive trying to figure out what the hell he should do.
“Call him. Go and see him. I love you, Uncle Al, but you can fuck off. It’s okay. I… you helped. I just need to get the balls to go back in to see him again. That’s something I have to deal with on my own. If something goes to shit, I have, like, four parents who can call you to let you know. Don’t go in half-arsed, though. It’s time to be all-arsed or you’ll lose him for good. All-arsed is scary as shit, I know.” Justin puffed out his cheeks, looking back to the door again. “Fuck, do I know…”
Alec put his hand on Justin’s leg. “You don’t have to do it on your own if it’s too much, mate. I do need to remind you that.”
“Yeah, I do. But even if I didn’t, it doesn’t have to be you that helps me this time. If I get the balls and go in there to talk to Sash again, will you promise to go talk to Kade, like, now-ish?” Justin held out his hand for his uncle to shake on the deal. “Stop looking at me like you’re worried I’ll morph into an all out psychotic episode at any minute. I haven’t had one of those in ages. I might bawl my eyes out, puke, pass out, stop being able the fuck to function at all but sometimes it’s the only way I can get through the hard shit. I’ve gotten out the other side every single time somehow, haven’t I? Go. I’ll still be your mentally ill nephew when you get back.”
With a resolute sigh, Alec soon nodded and took Justin’s hand to give it a soft shake, standing up as he did so he could give Justin a brief hug. “You can still ask for me to come back if you need to, okay? Promise me you will?”
Justin narrowed his eyes a little when he analysed the request, his forehead wrinkling with a side-tug of his lips. “That’s not happening unless everything goes to utter shit. You know I’m not going to bullshit you, Uncle Al. You can’t just tell him you have fucks to give for him, you have to mean it and show it. You better go now because I have a serious fart brewing and you probably don’t want to be here for that,” he added with a small smirk. He was definitely putting up a bit of a front here so his uncle would go to try to rescue one of the best things in his life but he was definitely still a Campbell and wasn’t above resorting to clearing the room with a fart if he needed to.
“Okay, okay.” Alec had to laugh at that, shaking his head. He kissed Justin’s forehead and ruffled his hair softly. “You’re your dad’s son, so I’m definitely not sticking around for that. I love you, kiddo. I know what you’re doing, so just remember that you can still call me or ask for me anytime. That always stands, no matter what.”
“Only to make sure you don’t pull a Campbell and fuck it all up again.” Justin managed a faint, tired smile for his uncle and gave him a pointed wave, watching him leave. Then he closed the laptop over, pushing the tray table away from him so he didn’t give into the urge to slam it out of his way in frustration. Instead, he just grabbed a pillow and held it up to his face, feeling like screaming into it. Why couldn’t he just tell everyone that nothing they said or did could make anything feel better right now? But more than that, why couldn’t he just have the balls that Sash really needed him to have?
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Finding the Balls
Where: Sydney, Australia
When: After this
Alec had gotten pretty good over the years of being able to scrutinise his patients without them realising he was. It was just basic human nature that how a person was, was often the most clear when they didn’t think they were being assessed. When they had to be in the presence of anyone who could or should be analysing them, emotional walls or barriers could reflexively come up. Justin had always been difficult to read sometimes, while others, how he was could be written all over every inch of him. He often didn’t know he was being either, so it wasn’t that he purposefully blocked anyone trying to help him by interacting with him. Alec had learned during their first few interactions after he met him that if Justin wanted to block you out, he didn’t try to hide it. Sometimes, he didn’t want to or couldn’t communicate how someone needed him too or he just didn’t have the energy to engage. That was okay. Alec had all the time in the world for his nephew. The simple fact was, Justin trusted him as a psychiatrist and he was one of the many therapists who had worked with Justin regarding his C-PTSD who Justin trusted with things he had completely stonewalled other therapists on, leading to significant breakthroughs in relation to his traumatic past.
He had been sitting with Justin for close to three hours now. At first, he tried the usual talk therapy techniques to see how receptive he might be to talking about what was going on in his head since Sash had woken up and it became evident he was suffering from post-traumatic amnesia and possibly other neurological deficits that could yet be fully assessed. After that, Justin withdrew right into himself again and had refused to go back in to see Sash again. Or, at least, he had declined the offer any time anyone asked if he wanted to visit with Sash again. It had been days now and Sash had become confused about whether Justin had even been there at all. It was easy to make assumptions as to why he didn’t want to go back but with Justin, assumptions were always a dangerous game. No one knew really what he was thinking or feeling, let alone why.
Alec had his suspicions but so far, Justin hadn’t been ready to talk about anything. Once he knew that, he asked Justin if he wanted to watch a movie with him instead. He got barely a shrug as an answer when he asked if he had any preferences, so he chose something that wasn’t just a favourite of his and his brothers when they were kids, but of Justin too now — Weird Science. Of course, it had to be an 80s movie.
Only despite being about halfway through now, Justin wasn’t watching. He wasn’t even looking at the laptop screen on the portable tray table over his lap. His gaze had been oriented in the general direction of the bottom of the door connecting his room to Sash’s nextdoor, his head against the pillows and dropped a little to the side. It had been tempting for Alec to snap his fingers in front of his face to see if he was even still there but every now and then, he blinked slowly a few times and vague expressions passed his features. He was there, he was just lost in his own head.
Until, finally… “I’m going to fuck him up, Uncle Alec.”
The first thing Alec did was turn the volume of the movie down a few notches. For all the power Justin’s singing voice had, he was a softly spoken kid in general but that was even more so when he was lost inside his own head and struggling to verbalise what he was feeling. Alec still remembered the first deep conversation he had with Justin, it was almost entirely without eye contact with Justin downcast and talking lowly, as if he was ashamed of the words coming out of his mouth. “Fuck him up in what way, mate?”
Justin went to answer but he hesitated because he had no real clear, unscrambled answer to that. “I—I dunno how to not love him.” He put his hand to his face, squeezing his fingers to the corners of his eyes to try to stop himself crying before it hit and he couldn’t prevent it. “Like… I get what the doctors are trying to do and why but I… can’t just… switch it off.”
Alec noted Justin’s voice was wavering. Poor kid had nothing left but to cry because it was a fucked up situation he had no control over. There was no worse feeling than that. “Do you think it could be less about trying not to love him and more about loving him more than ever? Just in a different way for now.”
“I guess so, yeah,” Justin mumbled, glancing at his uncle but all it did was make his head feel even heavier and he nursed it in the palm of his hand, closing his eyes.
“Not convinced?” Alec noted with a pat to his nephew’s shoulder. “Is it because you can’t think of it like that or you don’t think you can love him in a different way? Because you’ve both been loving each other in a lot of different ways since the day you met, mate. You really have. We’re just not designed to think so much about it any way other than singular and linear.”
With a couple of long, tired blinks, Justin looked at Alec again, needing to let the words sink in a bit before he could unpack them. “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter what I think. It’s what he thinks. The chances of me fucking up when I talk to him are probably almost 100% and the moment I do, he’s going to think, why the fuck is this weirdo-arsed famous queer bloke in my hospital room saying creepy shit to me? Just… maybe not so much like that exactly because I’m not really sure how he thinks of things right now when he can’t even get words out properly. Like… like it or not, when someone says love shit to you and they’re not in love with you, it’s creepy. Probably even more creepy when they’re gay and you think you’re straight.”
Despite the fact Justin always had a way with words and a unique way of putting things, now wasn’t the time to be amused about it, Alec knew that. “Okay, but let’s think about what you know of Sash’s sexuality for a moment. He’s talked about the fact he was probably always gay but because he’s also ace and hadn’t identified it until he met you, he didn’t actually think about it at all until then, did he?”
Justin wasn’t following Uncle Alec’s train of thought at all, pretty sure the last thing relevant was Sash’s sexuality but he offered a small shake of his head. “He hadn’t even thought about sex, period, let alone who he should want it with.”
“He hasn’t lost his entire memory, Jus. He’s only lost up until somewhere between seeing you perform on Broadway the first time with Andi and her family and before her death, prior to the strain of the trauma of her death. So, where his brain is at, his sexuality hasn’t been something he has gotten close to interrogating yet,” Alec explained, giving Justin a few minutes to follow what he was mapping out before he continued. “Even if you make a minor slip, get a little too familiar, say something affectionate, it’s not likely he will view that as anything romantic or sexual. And that’s only if we assume he has the capacity to register micro-cues, which, given where he’s at having just woken up from a coma in recent days, it’s unlikely. As he recovers little by little and likely regains more neurological functioning, he could begin to identify the familiarity more but until he remembers you, he won’t have the memories that triggered the discovery and exploration of his sexuality. If you keep that in mind, it’ll be easier for you to temper your interactions with him. Keep remembering it less in a sense that he’s lost his love for you, just that he hasn’t found it yet. That doesn’t mean he has no capacity for it.”
Justin’s forehead wrinkled as he looked down at his hands, taking it all in and trying to calibrate it with what he had been feeling. “That’s true, I guess. So, you don’t think he’ll think I’m some creeper if I fuck something up when I talk to him? It’s just that… my head’s so fucking messed up too. I feel like I have to remember so fucking much or I’m gonna screw with his mind and scare him or freak him out because he doesn’t know me. I’m a fucking stranger. I’m not more to him than some faceless dude on a tv screen. For all I know, he thinks he’s imaging me. The doctors are like, remember this, and remember fucking that. I barely remember what fucking day it is. I feel like I’m stuck in a sick nightmare I can’t wake up from. They seem to think me talking to him or some shit will help his memory but he doesn’t fucking remember me!” His voice rose a little in frustration but it was scratchy and hurt his throat. “Don’t they see what a mindfuck this is for me too? I’m fucked up. I’m not a good option to fix him. That’s their job! I don’t fix anyone, I fuck them up more than they already are.”
“Jus, buddy, I know it’s near impossible not to but you’re overthinking this. That is somewhat to the detriment of Sash’s doctors here, they don’t have a full comprehension of how your C-PTSD functions and informs your responses. But this isn’t about wanting you to fix him or even expecting you to know what to say or how to respond to him. The only reason they think you should be there is because you’re his fiancé and he needs something of comfort and familiarity to be able to anchor to the more and more he regains functioning. You also need him. It’s to help you both. No one is expecting you to perform miracles, I promise you that. Just for now, try to talk to him how you did in the early days before you were officially dating or fell in love. That’s all. The more time you spend with him, the more he’ll adapt to you and your presence. Does that make sense?” Alec asked, taking Justin’s hand to hold so he didn’t start trying to claw at his skin or pull at the bandages securing his IV lines in place as his anxiety levels crept up again.
“Dude. I overthink fucking everything!” Justin threw back helplessly, putting his hands up to his face again. “I want it to make sense. I want to get it all right. I’m really fucking trying, Uncle Alec. Sash and me, we connected pretty quickly in the start. There was something there right from the get go. Maybe not love and maybe not dating, but the first few weeks, we felt things. We talked so much. There was connection. There’s no connection now. I’m not family. I’m not Andi. She’s who he needs!”
Alec let Justin vent his frustrations. Or at the very least, begin to. There would likely be more to come. “Andi can’t be here, mate. She’s gone. You’re still here.”
“Fucking worst consolation prize ever. My poor guy. I can’t fucking help him and I hate it. You know why I hate it even more? Because I know this is how Dad feels all the time trying to help me. It’s how Sash feels. How do they do it all the time? This is horrible. Fucking hell! I can’t cry. I don’t stop until I make myself sick if I start.” Justin was back to having the heels of his hands planted against his eyes. If nothing else, maybe it would block the tears coming out.
“You’re upset about hearing your dad’s sick too, buddy?” Alec broached gently, carefully. It might be too soon and it could explode in the worst ways but as a therapist, he had to feel out the potential openings where they came up.
It was enough to get Justin to stop trying to squeeze his eyeballs out. He held his hands up to Alec and shook his head. “No. No, don’t do that. I’m not upset about his diagnosis, like I somehow can’t handle it. I fucking saw it before anyone else did. It was different, but I saw it. His depression is different, he doesn’t get manic the way I do. You know what I am, though? I’m angry because he’s going to do that dad thing of pulling away and trying to spare me, to try to protect me. For some reason, he just doesn’t get how that fucks with my head and that I miss him just being my dad when he does. And I’m pissed off because I know I do the same sort of thing but he’s my dad. He doesn’t get to pull the fuck away and use bipolar as the excuse. Bipolar is one fucking thing he can’t shield me from. He’s gonna have to learn how to just deal with that and in the meantime, I’m allowed to be pissed off until he does. Not at him. At how fucking cruel mental illness is. I hate it. Fucking. HATE. It. Never in a million years would I want anyone I love to feel the same things I do. Okay? Can we shelve that part of my psychoanalysis today? I need to freak out about other shit right now. If there’s a chance Sash is gonna slip away from me, I need to somehow give it my best fucking shot to stop him.”
Alec knew if Mark had just heard what came out of his son’s mouth, he would be stunned and probably devastated at how tuned in and en-pointe for the situation he was. Mark was one person who always noted and underscored that Justin was insightful and often saw things in situations far deeper than people realised he did, more than he verbalised. Until he just… did. Like this. He struggled so much with his emotions and his psyche, the two very infrequently calibrating together for him, but he occasionally could force out what he was feeling if he let his stream of consciousness take over. It was how he was such a successful songwriter, because that’s where his emotions could make sense to him. It was true, Justin could never switch off his mind to prevent his overthinking and there were times when he tried to get things out of his head and into words where it was just chaotic, rambling, senseless. It was only his severe depressive episodes when his mind ground to a halt. His everything ground to a halt and he would end up bedridden. But other times, he could intelligently express and articulate the chaos in his mind. You could never take that for granted when he did. Alec would talk to Mark about it but for now, he would respect Justin didn’t want to go there any further. He might not be ready to until he moved through the anger of the grief cycle he was stuck on for multiple reasons right now.
“Jus,” he tried again calmly, taking his nephew’s hand and rubbing his other soothingly over his wrist. He was shaking from getting worked up. He didn’t want to push him to a point he disengaged completely and retreated back into his own head. “What’s one thing you remember really clearly about those first few weeks meeting Sash? It was soon after Bondi, so I know some of your memories will be hazy but there will also be others that are vivid, because he helped pull you out of that darkness at that time. He was your anchor, like you need to be for him now. So, draw from that.”
“I…” Justin began but stopped, a deep frown falling across his face. “The way he looked at me. I’m not talking in a way, like, how my fans look at me or anything. I know that’s thirsty as fuck because they don’t really know the real me, it’s just this fantasy they’ve built up in themselves. It wasn’t that. It was like he could see inside me, just in this way that didn’t frighten me. It was the opposite, it made me feel safe. I trusted him. When I spoke, I could see in the way he looked at me that he was really listening. Which was totally true, because he remembers the things I said back then, even how I said them. I mean, not anymore. Not… I guess there’s a chance he’ll never remember anymore. That’s what I mean, Uncle Alec. He looks at me now, it’s so… vacant. Like he’s trying to read something written on my forehead in another language, he can’t quite grasp it. How do I connect with that? How we connected back then, it’s not there.”
Alec nodded with how Justin was describing how Sash currently was. He didn’t want to piss in his pocket and tell him it was raining, give false hope, just offer some unhelpful medical drivel. Justin wasn’t looking for medical answers. “You’re right, he’s not there yet. That’s why he needs an anchor. Just be sweet with him like you always have been. Take it moment by moment and give yourself a little time with his responses to think what information he could be taking in. He’s still Sash. But it’s okay to still miss him, even if he’s woken up. This will hurt a lot whatever way you try to look at it. Part of you is still missing, even if he’s right there. It’s okay to be feeling an indescribable type of grief. That’s why I’m here, so you can talk about it if you need to.”
“Talking makes my brain hurt when there’s no answers to fix anything…” Justin mumbled, taking his hand back to fold his arms at his chest, hugging himself to try to disappear in on himself and shrug off whatever this strange mix of emotions he was feeling. It was like treading water in a deep dark sea and he didn’t like it. It felt like any little thing could pull him under and if it did, he wasn’t sure he wanted to try to fight his way back to the surface. “The worst part is, I don’t even want to fucking fix things. I just… don’t want him in pain. I don’t want to cause him pain.”
“It’s not always possible to help someone how they need to be helped without causing some pain, kiddo. You’re right, that’s the hardest part of all and I don’t have any advice on how to make that easier. It’s just part of what love is. Sometimes, love is pain.” Saying things like that to his nephew, Alec had to agree, was definitely painful. Justin’s stress, sadness, and heartache was oozing out of him.
Justin’s gaze shifted to his uncle and interrogated him quietly for a time that might seem awkward to others but he knew his family was used to it with him. It could take time for his mind to catch up and fumble his thoughts into something rational. “So, why did you break up with Kade?” he eventually asked. “He still loves you but you’re going to lose him for good. When he came to visit me, he said it was to say goodbye.”
“What?” The word fell out of Alec through a sharp gasp and he looked at Justin, stunned. If not, feeling a bit like he had whiplash at the sudden subject change. Again, not unusual for Justin. The kid could segue between topics like a bad spin in the dodgem cars.
“Don’t fuck it up, Uncle Alec. For fuck’s sake. I know that can be, like, a Campbell signature move but just don’t. You wouldn’t be still be all having sex as soon as you see each other again if it really was a lost cause. If I have to be psychoanalysed, than you have to too.” Justin tried to uncoil himself a little, rubbing his arm and shoulder that was hurting from how tensed up he was. He kept glancing at the door to Sash’s room, feeling that renewed wave of anxiety thinking about trying to talk to him again. He never wanted to feel that about Sash. “And don’t tell me this is not about you. I know that. That’s why I’m making it be. Sometimes, I need a rest from my own shit. So fucking much.”
Alec rubbed his face and gave his nephew a hint of a long-suffering look. “Did you just pull the… ‘Move, I’m a traumatised gay’ move on me, Jus?”
“I’m allowed to. You’re fucking up your relationship and I’m trying to figure out how the hell to friendzone my fiancé because he doesn’t know who the hell I am and his brain barely knows how to word. But to answer your question, no, I didn’t. I’m just trying to tell you that you’re going to lose him for good. He came to say goodbye to me because he’s moving to Byron Bay. It’s too painful staying in touch with all of us and trying to be friends with you. He’s taken a coaching job up there. So, you probably have, like, days maybe to talk to him. Or not, if you don’t want him in your life at all. Ever. Ever again.” Justin rubbed his forehead, feeling the inevitable headache set in yet again when he stressed about seeing Sash. “But why not? You’re still in love with him. He’s still in love with you.”
Alec was scrambling to try to catch up with the information Justin was revealing. He hadn’t known Kade had been to visit Justin but he wasn’t surprised by that particular fact because Ava would’ve been able to make the exception for him. It was the extra information Justin was revealing here. He didn’t know why he always assumed Kade would remain in Sydney and that they would continue to have mutual connections but it sounded like Kade was trying to cut ties with all the Campbells, simply because it was too painful for him to see Alec at all. That was hard to process, especially considering they ended up sleeping together instead of trying to talk out their issues and when he woke up in Ava’s flat, Kade had been gone. Alec had been pissed off at him for that but he guessed he assumed they’d eventually talk somehow. That would be impossible, if Kade was moving north to Byron. “Because I don’t think there’s a workable solution, Jus.”
“How could you if you had sex instead of talking? Yeah, he told me. He also told me there’s a lot I don’t know and I’m cool with that. That’s your stuff. Couples have stuff and sometimes that stuff can be horrible and it’s the last fucking stuff in the world you want to be dealing with. But if you can do it together, why wouldn’t you? Do you really want to lose him for good? That’s just all I’m trying to say. Don’t make me need my brain more. It’s not working properly. At least just talk to him before he goes to say a proper goodbye.” Justin put his head back on his pillow, still nursing his forehead. “Why do all adults seem to be really bad at figuring out relationships? Y’all starting to make me seriously scared for my hopes if you can’t figure it out.”
Alec held his hands up. “No, I think you’re right, mate. I do need to talk to him. The main reason why things got messed up was we didn’t communicate well. Timing hasn’t been in our favour but that’s no excuse. Not really. That’s the thing about being an adult. You get really used to having excuses for things when they get hard. If there’s one thing I should learn from my nephew, it’s that sometimes you just have to confront the difficult stuff without looking for excuses. Excuses don’t fix anything and… we should never take it for granted if the person we love is safe and well. It’s not about solutions. It never has been. It’s about finding ways to be on the same page.”
Justin shrugged, not really sure by now if he was helping or making it worse but he would be devastated if he never saw Kade again. He could see as clear as day not loving each other wasn’t his uncle and Kade’s problem. “I went through something like that with Will. I know it can’t always just work out. But Will and I were kids, trying to figure out shit we were too young to be dealing with. You and Kade have loved each other forever. Or long enough that it’s like forever. Long enough to matter and not just let it die without… well, being on the same page that it should and why. If not even any of that, just don’t let him go thinking you don’t give a fuck. I know you give plenty of fucks, Uncle Alec. I knew that the first day I met you. It’s probably why he’s so confused. You have plenty of fucks to give for every one else but it doesn’t seem like you have any for him.”
And there it was. For Alec, Justin’s last comment hit him almost like a physical blow. That was what Kade had been trying to tell him the day he came to the hospital to show his support for Justin and Sash, which ended in him and Alec sleeping together at Ava’s flat, Alec crashing out right after it, and waking up in the bed alone the following morning. He took it as a sign that Kade didn’t want to work things out but what if it had actually been the opposite? What if he had been feeling like Alec had fucks to give for everyone but him and the moment in Ava’s flat was proof to him? What if he saw that as a sign to finally pull the plug for good because it just wasn’t worth the pain? He laced his fingers together, resting his clenched hands against his mouth as his brain kicked into overdrive trying to figure out what the hell he should do.
“Call him. Go and see him. I love you, Uncle Al, but you can fuck off. It’s okay. I… you helped. I just need to get the balls to go back in to see him again. That’s something I have to deal with on my own. If something goes to shit, I have, like, four parents who can call you to let you know. Don’t go in half-arsed, though. It’s time to be all-arsed or you’ll lose him for good. All-arsed is scary as shit, I know.” Justin puffed out his cheeks, looking back to the door again. “Fuck, do I know…”
Alec put his hand on Justin’s leg. “You don’t have to do it on your own if it’s too much, mate. I do need to remind you that.”
“Yeah, I do. But even if I didn’t, it doesn’t have to be you that helps me this time. If I get the balls and go in there to talk to Sash again, will you promise to go talk to Kade, like, now-ish?” Justin held out his hand for his uncle to shake on the deal. “Stop looking at me like you’re worried I’ll morph into an all out psychotic episode at any minute. I haven’t had one of those in ages. I might bawl my eyes out, puke, pass out, stop being able the fuck to function at all but sometimes it’s the only way I can get through the hard shit. I’ve gotten out the other side every single time somehow, haven’t I? Go. I’ll still be your mentally ill nephew when you get back.”
With a resolute sigh, Alec soon nodded and took Justin’s hand to give it a soft shake, standing up as he did so he could give Justin a brief hug. “You can still ask for me to come back if you need to, okay? Promise me you will?”
Justin narrowed his eyes a little when he analysed the request, his forehead wrinkling with a side-tug of his lips. “That’s not happening unless everything goes to utter shit. You know I’m not going to bullshit you, Uncle Al. You can’t just tell him you have fucks to give for him, you have to mean it and show it. You better go now because I have a serious fart brewing and you probably don’t want to be here for that,” he added with a small smirk. He was definitely putting up a bit of a front here so his uncle would go to try to rescue one of the best things in his life but he was definitely still a Campbell and wasn’t above resorting to clearing the room with a fart if he needed to.
“Okay, okay.” Alec had to laugh at that, shaking his head. He kissed Justin’s forehead and ruffled his hair softly. “You’re your dad’s son, so I’m definitely not sticking around for that. I love you, kiddo. I know what you’re doing, so just remember that you can still call me or ask for me anytime. That always stands, no matter what.”
“Only to make sure you don’t pull a Campbell and fuck it all up again.” Justin managed a faint, tired smile for his uncle and gave him a pointed wave, watching him leave. Then he closed the laptop over, pushing the tray table away from him so he didn’t give into the urge to slam it out of his way in frustration. Instead, he just grabbed a pillow and held it up to his face, feeling like screaming into it. Why couldn’t he just tell everyone that nothing they said or did could make anything feel better right now? But more than that, why couldn’t he just have the balls that Sash really needed him to have?
LOG, COMPLETE