Beau Watson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
halfwaytoheaven) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2020-02-26 04:03 am
halfwaytoheaven) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2020-02-26 04:03 am
"And I feel stuck watching history repeating."
Who: Beau Watson and Austin Shaw
What: Try to look forward
Where: Austin's new apartment, NYC
When: Simultaneous to this
Beau rolled onto his back, tugging the sheets with him and let out an apathetic breathless sigh. He gazed up at the ceiling, swiping his hand over his sweaty face. Then he closed his eyes and knotted his fingers in his hair, feeling the steam drain out of him.
“We probably shouldn’t have done that, should we?” Austin bit his lip, clutching to the corner of the sheet with a hesitant glance thrown in Beau’s direction. He wasn’t even sure he should speak up. Beau was totally unreadable in this moment and Austin was painfully aware his ex-husband - who he was still in love with - was naked in bed beside him. He was also still painfully erect beneath the sheets but he wasn’t going to verbalise that. He just had to think unhappy thoughts to try to get it to go down but the more he tried not to think about it, the more his dick felt like it was throbbing.
Unexpectedly, Austin did manage to find an apartment in the time since he got trashed and Beau hooked him up to a banana bag in hospital and that Beau was away on a conference followed by a brief secondment to consult on a case in Minnesota. He really didn’t expect Beau to text him when he returned. But true to his word, as always, Beau kept his promise and shot Austin a text suggesting they should give this talking thing another shot. The apartment Austin found was a loft and was still empty, save for a mattress on the floor, a couple of beanbags, and a fridge. He tried to keep busy and not hyperfixate on Beau, which is how he managed to find an apartment and sign a lease. There hadn’t been time to go furniture shopping but at least he didn’t have to tell Beau to meet him in a hotel room for their all-important follow up ‘talk’.
As soon as Austin answered the door to Beau, he knew something was different. He didn’t know what but it instead of talking and after only a few words of greeting passed between them, they were locked in a heated and hungry kiss, which led to tearing clothes off, and finally, in a tangled mess amongst Austin’s new purple silk sheets… for all of three-ish minutes, give or take. Until Beau stopped and pulled away, flopping onto his back after they barely even got started. “... is it because I’m Positive?” he was asking quietly.
After some stiff shuffling under the sheets, Beau handed Austin a used - but empty - pink condom. “Dick failure. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You got any Pepto?” He sat up on the mattress, shoving the slippery sheets away and sat on the side, waiting for the hint of dizziness to pass. Then he stood up and went over to the kitchen sink, leaning over to drink straight from the tap.
Beau sat up, the sheets pooling around his middle and looked at the condom dangling between his fingers. “You feeling sick?” he asked, watching Beau, confused. Was Beau upset about his dick failure? He didn’t seem to be. He wasn’t embarrassed. It was more just… resolute, maybe? Something in that ballpark. Typical Beau, he was just standing there in the kitchen starkers. It was almost as if nothing had changed with them at all. If only. “I think I’ve got Tums in my bag.”
“That’ll do.” Beau went over to where Austin’s messenger bag was sitting on the end of the kitchen counter. He dug around inside and eventually found the packet of Tums, popping a couple into his mouth. “A little. Side effects.”
“Side effects,” Austin repeated with a little frown of concern. He reached over and tossed the condom into the plastic bag he was using in lieu of a trash can. He really needed to get his finger out with the shopping. “What for? You should come back under the covers or you’ll catch a chill. I got this place for the open fire but who would’ve thought, you actually need to supply your own firewood. God help me if I have to wear a lumberjack shirt. I’ll start looking like a hipster,” he joked, punctuating with a slight smirk.
Beau came back and sat on the side of the mattress, scrutinising Austin for a few moments. “Truvada.” He let the word hang between them, waiting for Austin’s penny to drop. He looked away, weaving the hem of the sheet between his fingers, forehead creasing with deep thought. “Apparently pointless because my cock is fucked and so is my libido.”
Austin blinked, tongue tracing over his lips. “PrEP? You’ve started taking PrEP… for me? For… us? You mean, you want to…”
“I don’t know yet. I need more time. This is all I’ve got to give at the moment. I need that to be enough for you. For now.” Beau knew Austin probably needed more information to work with but piecemeal and step-by-step, day-by-day, was all Beau could deal with. It was all he had been able to cope with since his therapist diagnosed him with clinical depression after he began having suicidal urges. He didn’t talk about it to many people because one thing near impossible to explain was how a cancer survivor, who fought and beat a life-threatening illness twice, felt like he didn’t want to live anymore. All he had done in the time he was away on the conference as a keynote speaker for Residents working in pediatric oncology was think and overthink on whether part of the reason he couldn’t pull himself out of the dark slump was because he missed Austin and was grieving his marriage. “While I was away, I did a lot of thinking and I just couldn’t get past wondering if I made a mistake with the divorce. I think it might’ve been knee-jerk because I was too messed up inside to handle more hurt. I wanted to throw it away and bury it so I didn’t have to feel it.”
“Come here, darling. Lie down with me.” Austin took Beau’s hand and coaxed him to lie down so he could spoon him. There were no words to describe how it felt for him when Beau let him and didn’t pull away. Snow had begun to fall outside and he was glad he picked the apartment with the huge windows. He may as well sink some of his hard-earned cash into a nice place to live. “It’s enough, okay? Because you don’t have to give me anything. You don’t even have to explain. I’m just sorry you thought sex was something you needed to test-drive when I know you weren’t really into it emotionally. I thought it might’ve just been one for the final road, so to speak.”
Beau shrugged, lacing his fingers with Austin’s where his hand was cuddling Beau’s chest. “Maybe it was, on some level. I guess it was an option. I can’t lie, I wanted it to be over but… fuck, I’m not folding to my fucked up delusions. We had no closure because I don’t know if we ever could. Ending would’ve been the less messy option. I fucking hate that you cheated on me but I can’t keep blaming you for doing it when you had no intentions of hurting me. This was just… I don’t know. Seeing if it felt the same before things went bad for us. But it’s not working. My dick’s comfort zone is flaccid. Was stupid to try to use it as a way to measure what the fuck our next move should be. I wanted it to work.”
Austin mulled over things quietly, not wanting to rush any of this. There was a surreal relief settling in him that Beau wasn’t cutting shit off for good. This was a twist of fate he never expected or anticipated. He really thought all this was Beau working on closure. Now they were naked in bed together. Well, naked on a mattress in his bare new apartment but same deal. “Do you… um… do you want me to try to get you off? Forget about me, just let me see if I can help. I’m not trying to suggest I’m some sort of sex god. Just that… well, I know your body. I know what you like. Even if it doesn’t work, it might still feel good. No pressure for you to get it up and pound me into the middle of next week. Tell me if I’m reading this wrong but I feel like you just need a bit of something here. It’s not stress relief. Is it intimacy…? Is that what you wanted to feel here?”
Beau wanted to hate that Austin knew him so well. He really wanted to exorcise himself of that and leave the marriage and the cheating well behind, never looking back. He hadn’t looked back but maybe that had contributed to how he had been feeling lately. He didn’t know a lot of how he felt about any of this but he knew he hadn’t been feeling right in a long time. When he was away, he was finally honest with himself that trying to make a clean break from Austin was never going to work. “I feel like that’s just going to… complicate shit.”
“Complicate shit? You don’t think shit is already about as complicated for us as it can be?” Austin asked with a wry smile, patting Beau’s chest.
“Right. Point,” Beau snorted, amused. He ran his tongue over his lips and exhaled slowly, gaze on the grand - but not lit - open fire across the room. It was a gorgeous apartment. It wouldn’t be long before it was filled with designer furniture and amazing flash art in Austin’s much loved glam contemporary style. Right now, it was stark and empty but warm. The place had good heating for something with a huge open fire. It was comforting to see the snow falling out the large windows and be cosy inside. Or it could just be because they were snuggling for the first time in a very long time and it didn’t feel wrong. “Can I just blame it on having no libido?”
“Well, your only other option is to blame it on the boogie. I mean, the sunshine and moonlight are out, and don’t even get me started on blaming it on good times,” Austin joked.
That made Beau laugh and for a moment or two, he was taken right back to when things were excellent with them. Joking had always been how Beau got through tough things but he lost a lot of that spark these days without any desire to try to get it back. “Not yet. Soon. This can’t just be about sex. It can’t be about sex at all. Sure, it’s a massive issue for me but there’s more we need to work out here. We need to test drive. Okay? If this is going to be a thing, I need a cooling off period in case it turns out cheating really was the penultimate nail in the coffin. I just don’t know what our next steps are supposed to be.”
Austin nodded, not letting his mind wander so listening to Beau had his undivided attention. “You can have a cooling off period for as long as you like. You don’t even have to predetermine the length of time. Just take whatever you need. You could always move in here with me. Just tell me if that’s nuts but I know you live in a shared place, and Zander’s still there. I’ll be in this place on my own. We don’t even have to share a bed or bedroom or anything. You can have your own space. I’ll be jetting in and out for Justin’s tour, so we won’t constantly be in each other’s pockets but we’d have time to keep talking shit out. It’s just an option. If you want to try to figure out some possible next steps now. Another is that I shut up and let you get some sleep because you look and sound wiped out. Or we could order in takeout. Make a cuppa. Take a bath. The tub’s absolutely amazing. How about we just take a step at a time?”
Beau rolled onto his back so he could see Austin’s face. “Move in? Shit, I actually almost forgot that you never do anything in halves. I’m not living in the shared place anymore, though. I moved in with Aaron for the time being. Mostly out of respect to Zander because I had to call it quits and because I thought Paxton’s other half might want to move in there eventually now we don’t know how long he’ll be disabled for.” He rubbed his hand over his stomach while he contemplated things quietly, then left it resting there. “But this place is kinda cool. I probably wouldn’t actually consider the option if you wouldn’t be travelling on some of the tour. I’m not a good roommate right now. My schedule’s nuts because I’ve taken on extra work with Brandon. He’s paying for round-the-clock care to give him the best chance. I mean, if you’re a trajillionaire or whatever and you can’t use your cash to try to beat cancer, what’s the point? Mostly, when I’m not at work, I’m… tired. Just tired.”
Austin propped his head up on his hand and put his other over Beau’s resting on his belly. “Are you feeling okay to eat? We can order something from your favourite Chinese and then just sleep if you want to. But I get it. That tiredness you’re talking about, it’s not what goes away with sleep. It’s the depression. Plus, you’ve put yourself on PrEP, which can make you feel pretty shitty too. Is there any way you can take a few days off, rest up, take care of yourself for a little bit? The offer to stay here still stands. I won’t pressure you. Ball’s in your court and I mean that without an iota of a testicle pun.”
“Didn’t put myself on it. Alex prescribed it for me. Just with my immune system not being so crash hot and all. I don’t want you thinking I did it because I didn’t trust you to wrap or anything. But I knew… I knew we’d fuck. Try to anyway. I think I just wanted to see if it felt like it used.” Beau scratched his head slowly, feeling like it took physical force to mentally reason through all this. “Maybe just order something anyway? My gut’s been upset since I started the pills but I’ve got to eat something, right? What the fuck are we supposed to do here? I feel like part of the reason I’m not a mess is because I’m too tired to be.”
“Is it bad that I’m glad about that? It’s okay if you feel like you need to be a mess anyway. I hope you’re not but if you need to be, I can handle it.” Austin dropped a brief kiss to Beau’s forehead and then rolled over to get his phone where the number of their mutual favourite takeout place was still stored in his contacts. “You still like your usual? You know what? I’m going to UberEats some soup for you too. You should eat something. If we’re going to keep working on this, taking it a step at a time, I have to at least make sure you’ve got something in your gut if the pills you’re taking for me make you sick.”
Beau gave an indifferent wave of his fingers and rolled onto his side, pulling the covers up to his chin. “Surprise me. What’s the plan for you with the tour? Are you travelling with them to all the shows, or just certain ones?” The attempted small talk felt weak to him when he heard the words come out of his mouth. He knew more about Justin’s tour than he was letting on. He worked with Sam a lot when he needed cardiac consults for any of his patients and they bumped into each other in the cafeteria all the time on breaks. This was just his way of trying to readapt to the fact he had to interact with Austin again. That was something he never planned on. In fact, he had planned on doing everything in his power to avoid being in Austin’s presence in this lifetime and the rest eternity. He watched the snowflakes hit the window. “I love the snow. When I don’t have to be out in the fucker.”
Austin finished putting in a quick order for food from the two different places and tossed his phone over the side of the mattress on top of his latest pile of fashion magazines, including the proofs Gen had FedEx’ed over to him of the cover with Justin wearing one of Austin’s most favourite designs he had ever worked on. Justin would wear it on his tour and then it was going to be auctioned off for the charities he worked with. Then he pulled the covers back and got back under them with Beau. “You probably know more about the specifics of the tour than I do at this point. You work with members of his family. He’s doing the two performances in each port. His solo show one night, then the Footloose performance the next. The plan always was for him to have at least three to four days rest between each stop so he can switch off an have downtime. Of course, in amongst that, the whole entourage will be travelling and he’ll have press commitments. My job is basically to check in on some of his solo shows, make sure everything’s okay with the outfits and designs. Plus, he’s had me design some things for a couple of the larger press appearances. I’ll be flying in and out. Technically not on the tour with them.”
He was glad Beau was sticking around and not running away after throwing a passionate ‘Go fuck yourself’ at him as he left. “I remember how much you love the snow. Or more accurate, you loved snow because you said it was perfect fucking weather. Then when you got sick, you liked it because you could watch it out the window while you were stuck in bed feeling miserable and it reminded you that you weren’t ready to give up on the beautiful things in life. Alexa? Turn off lights!” The lights in the apartment shut off and the only light left in the apartment was from the street lights coming in through the curtain-less windows. He cuddled up into Beau’s side and kissed his bare shoulder. “Has all this with Brandon made you scared again your cancer might return? I remember how you were before you got sick after I met you. It terrified you. It’s got to be worse now.”
Beau pressed his lips together, closing his eyes for a moment while he let the question hang in his mind. It wasn’t something he hadn’t asked himself a lot but he never got to the point of answering himself. It was one of those things that crept into his head on long middle of the night on-call shifts when Brandon was at his worst and it really looked like he wasn’t going to make it. Every time Beau did a round, he was so sure he would find that Brandon had passed in his sleep. It wasn’t something he spoke out loud to anyone. You never did say that stuff out loud in case the world heard you. “Yes and no. I mean, the chances of me relapsing are higher than ever. There’s higher odds I’ll get it again than that I won’t. That scares me shitless because I don’t think I’ve got another fight left in me. If it happens, I don’t know if I want to fight it,” he murmured and shrugged helplessly. “Also not so much worse. Because it was about as bad as it could be before I relapsed the first time. You see someone come back from the brink of it like Brandon, though, it’s a reminder even the worst case scenario is still not death. And he was, damn it. He was about as worst case as it comes without flatlining. Which he did actually do a few times. I’m just scared because if it happened to me right now, I wouldn’t want to fight it. I wouldn’t want to go through chemo again. Go through any of it again. So, yeah… that’s some excess baggage you should probably be aware of.”
Austin wanted to jump forward with all the right things to say. He wanted to offer the platitudes and reassurance but that tiny inner voice in his head reminded him Beau didn’t like platitudes. Not when it came to cancer. Beau wasn’t putting this out there right now for reassurances, it was a warning, and that was why Austin couldn’t speak straight up. He choked up and his gut clenched with dread as memories roared to the forefront of Beau’s DNR before his bone marrow transplant and the weeks of fear Austin had to survive that Beau would crash and no one could touch him to bring him back. “I— the—” he stammered but stopped and cleared his throat, collecting himself before he tried again. “Do you still, um, have an advanced directive with a DNR in place? I’m just… I… I’m envisaging you in a car crash or a mugging and they don’t touch you to save your life.”
Beau raised his eyebrows and his forehead creased as if Austin’s words felt heavy in his head. “It was only valid for complications or artificial prolonging of life relating to the cancer or cancer treatments. Please tell me you can at least cook up some hypothetical happy outcomes in your head too. I thought I was the only one who needed happy pills to get me going in this scenario. And I’m not talking about Viagra.”
“I have happy hypothetical happy endings. Just so you know, I can have them, like, Disney level of disgustingly happy, right? Because they all involve us both wearing wedding rings.” Austin traced his fingertips over the orange leukemia awareness ribbon tattooed on Beau’s chest, remembering the day he got it done, when he went into remission for a second time.
“Yeah, who are we married to? Please say the Hemsworth brothers.” Beau gave Austin a tired smirk. “Nah, scratch that. I don’t even feel like sex with them.”
Austin snickered, glad Beau hadn’t lost his deep-seated humour, even if other parts of him were hurting. “That’s okay, I’ll have sex with both of them.”
Beau snorted with a laugh, knowing he probably should’ve expected that response but he wasn’t as on the ball as he usually was. Even though he was at peace with what was happening here, it had been emotionally draining to sort through all his feelings while focusing on work while he was away at the conference. He lost count of the amount of times he changed his mind about what to do and what he wanted. “Is it true, you really haven’t been with anyone since we divorced?”
“No, actually, I haven’t been with anyone since I cheated. It’s just been the last thing on my mind, considering I knew I still loved you and I didn’t want to be with anyone else. Processing that I have HIV took a lot and I didn’t feel like I deserved to be happy anymore.” Austin shrugged and shifted a little beneath the covers, giving Beau some space. These things would never be easy to talk about. He didn’t know why Beau wanted to bring it up again because it had to be painful for him. It was painful for Austin to talk about but he promised Beau he would be honest. Maybe that’s all it was, Beau testing his promised honesty. “I don’t want to keep hurting you with this, darling,” he added softly, looking away.
“I know. I do. But for me to work through this, you’ve got to let me ask things and you’ve got to talk to me about it. This is the only way I’m going to find any peace with it. I know how sexual you are and always have been. So, when you say you haven’t been with anyone since all that, then I think that’s important. I also think that we need to… uh… I guess have a conversation about how sex isn’t really on my radar right now.” Beau looked back to Austin, pressing his lips together. “It’s not going to be how it was before.”
Austin brushed Beau’s hair back from his face. “I know. There’s no way it would be. We’ve both changed a lot since then. I don’t need sex at the moment. I’ve not done it in so long, I don’t miss it. I know sex is not what you want or need right now. But what about this other stuff? Company and romance and care, I guess. Rather than just letting sex get in the way of what we really need to sort out and work through, let’s just shelve it. Ball’s in your court - pun not intended - for whenever you’re ready. Weeks, months, years, it doesn’t matter. I’ll wait. I mean, I can’t promise I’d just be okay if you got sick again and didn’t want to fight but I’d understand. Because I’ve seen what you go through and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone who didn’t want to fight it, especially not you. Can I give you a massage instead? You seem tired and stressed. I know I’m contributing to both. You used to love my massages.”
Beau smiled at that. “Yeah, I did. Credit where credit’s due. We were pretty good together, even when everything else sucked. I would never take any of that away from you, you know. How you took care of me when I was at my worst and I never once had to ask for help. You were always just there. You sacrificed a lot. I know you put your career old hold while I was sick. The cheating, that fuck up, it doesn’t undo all the reasons why I married you or loved you. It definitely doesn’t erase any of that. So, if that’s what you think or have felt, you can shelve it. But… and this is a big but, so don’t lie to me… I know some HIV meds can cause pain or burning in the hands or feet. Meaning, that’s a no, I’m okay, if that’s the case. Shit, I just realised I never asked you when you were diagnosed. I just assumed it was right after it happened.”
“Darling, I’m a designer. I think I would cry if I had pain in my hands. For one, I wouldn’t have been able to hand-stitch a million odd rainbow Swarovski crystals on Justin’s tour ensemble. I wouldn’t be able to stitch or cut or measure, so thank fuck that’s not a side effect I experienced and I do actually still keep essential oils practically on tap, so I have oil if you want a back rub.” Austin got up to go get it from his bathroom anyway. He came back and held the little bottle up. “Coconut and vanilla, your favourite. I never could stop myself buying this one. The fragrance reminded me of you. I was diagnosed about six months ago. There was some trial and error with my meds. They made me really sick at first. I was hospitalised with severe vomiting at one point. It eventually eased. I’m used to the medication now.”
“Then who am I to pass up the coconut and vanilla? You’re such a corny fucker, all nostalgic over an essential oil that half the hipster fucks probably cook their smashed avo toast in every morning. I’m glad the meds didn’t fuck with your hands, though. I know that would’ve crushed you. I didn’t know if you had staff or anything to do all that. Doesn’t surprise me you wanted to handcraft Justin’s shit, though. You always had a soft spot for him because he let you go to town with his designs. I remember the day you came home in tears because you saw all his self-harm scars when you were measuring him for a red carpet thing.” Beau pushed the covers out of the way and rolled onto his stomach so Beau could give him a massage. There was no denying how much he needed it. “What happened to get you to a doctor in the first place? Did it just show up on a regular HIV check?”
Austin shifted so he could straddle over Beau’s legs and shook some of the oil out into his palm. He blew out a sharp breath and shook his head. “That day is still burned into my mind, you know. He actually has more now. Not just self-harming scars but scars in general. I didn’t know he had a major abdominal surgery. But he’s got scars all over his hips and thighs. Even inside his upper arm. He said he’s had lasering on some of it to reduce the appearance. He was more open about it this time. He’s grown up a lot. I can’t believe he’s freaking engaged. Sasha’s a total sweetheart. I used to think we looked like perfect soul mates, but that pair shit all over our record.” He started to rub the oil into Beau’s shoulders, noticing Beau didn’t have near the muscle tone he used to when they were first married. He lost a lot of weight when he was sick but that was awhile ago. He didn’t seem to have toning of regular gym use. “It was a regular overdue check which my doctor in LA ran when I had a flu I couldn’t shake. The fatigue, holy fuck. That’s actually why I went to the doctor. I think maybe the CFS finally got me like it did Angel.”
“Yeah, he’s come a long way but he also had some of his worst breakdowns since you left. A major one when his mother got into his head from prison and he went to see her. Led him right back into drinking and Ice use. A lot of bad shit culminated and he was hospitalised in a closed word, then nearly died from a bowel blockage from the level of self-harm he was doing to himself. Then his mother was murdered in prison, so she got what was coming. Sash is an absolute sweetheart. Don’t worry, they make most adults feel relationshiply-inferior,” Beau admitted with a laugh and then a hum of relief escaped him when he felt Austin start to work his knotted muscles. All this was a huge twist to any of the ways he anticipated Austin’s return turning out. Taking it as it came made it a bit easier. “So, are you really okay with it all now? Or have you just put up an okay front to tell me the news so you don’t burden me with it? Bear in mind, I’ll know if you’re bullshitting me.”
Austin poured a little more oil into his palm and concentrated on softly and slowly working Beau’s knotty and tense shoulders. He paused when he mentioned Justin’s mother - well, his kidnapper who paraded as an abusive cunt of a mother - was murdered in prison. “Wait. Murdered? Justin said she was dead but he rapidly moved on from the topic as soon as it was stumbled upon. He told me he has regular ketamine now, which has helped for the most part. Did Mark have something to do with that, uh, convenient demise?” He knew Mark. They all very much knew Mark, a father who would literally kill to protect his kids and Mark knew people. He had connections. He had Clint. Clint had an undisclosed amount of connections both in and out of the criminal underworld. He went back to the backrub, contemplating Beau’s direction question. “I’m… adjusting. Which means, yes, I’m okay. But it’s been really hard to accept and process that I was so stupid to let it happen to me. That it’s forever. At least, medically-speaking, so far. That might change. I know there’s a lot of advancements. It’s been six months and there’s no viral load detected, which is huge. I have bad days where I really hate myself. For everything. Not just that. Usually the days I miss you the most and miss Angel.”
Beau hummed in lieu of being able to nod. “Nothing’s been outright said but the timing of it all, I’d put money on the fact Mark orchestrated something. Justin was in an horrific condition after she got into his head again. The reason he ended up hospitalised if because he told Sash if he didn’t lock him away ASAP, he was going to kill himself. I’d say Clint sorted it but we’ll never know for sure. It won’t be spoken of again. Honestly, if it was my kid, I would’ve done the same thing. The only way to guarantee she never harmed Justin again was get rid of her. Okay, so you’ve band-aided your emotional adjustment to a diagnosis. We need to work on that, love. Okay? You don’t have to keep up a ruse that you’re doing fine because medicine has advanced and there’s people worse off than you.” He looked over his shoulder to Austin, even if it could only be a glance so he didn’t hurt his neck. “Being diagnosed with HIV sucks because of the stigma and fallacies about it. It’s okay to be upset or angry about it. Do you want me to come to your next doctor’s appointment with you?”
“I would’ve done the same thing too. I can’t even imagine knowing your kid has been through that much trauma and there’s hardly anything you can do to stop the pain. Do you ever wish we tried again with our surrogacy plans after we lost it the first time? I think about that so much, how things would be different. I think I would’ve realised you weren’t okay. I fucking hate myself for not seeing that. It’s not even that I didn’t see it. I did. I just thought it was me, that’s where I fucked up. Do you want me to shut up? I would love you to come to my next doctor’s appointment, even if you are a doctor and it will be boring as batshit for you.” Austin fell quiet, hearing himself start to fall into rambling territory because he didn’t want to piss Beau off.
“No, no… listen. Just stop for a moment and listen, okay? Come sit here so I can see you.” Beau patted the mattress beside him. He waited until Austin shifted and he could see him again. “You need to let it go, love. All that stuff, it’s done. It’s gone. We can’t change it. We weren’t meant to have a baby, otherwise we’d have one. It wasn’t meant to be and I don’t even think it’s on my radar anymore. But this other stuff? I don’t want you to keep flaying yourself with it. I’m not going to keep making you pay for one mistake, one fuck up. Not now we both know the bigger picture. And no, I don’t want you to shut up. We could’ve prevented a lot if you didn’t shut up on me back then so let’s not let history repeat itself. I only have the energy to move forward. I can’t keep looking back. Back it’s too hard and too… over. Just forward. Yeah?”
Austin gave Beau a small smile and nodded but before he could reply, the apartment buzzer sounded. “That’s dinner. I’ll be right back.” He got up and found his pants to pull on because no matter how extroverted and not-shy he was, no delivery guy needed to be met at the door by anyone starkers. They didn’t get paid enough for that. He buzzed the guy up and tipped him when he handed over both the pizza and the chicken and veg soup he ordered for Beau. “Shit, these both smell amazing. I might need to fight you for the soup. It reminds me of what our gran used to make us when we were sick kids. Because, you know, twins… whenever one of us got sick, the other would be infected with the same germ by the next morning and Gran stepped up with the TLC and babysitting if we couldn’t go to school. Seems like forever ago. So, how’s your gut, darling? You want to try the pizza or the soup?”
He put the food on the kitchen counter and when he looked over at Beau for his answer, he spotted that he had dozed off. He caught himself smiling fondly and wrapped the food in a couple of teatowels and put it into the oven to keep some of the heat in, in case Beau was just taking a power nap. Probably not, though. He knew Beau was tired and not just the sort that could be cured with a good sleep. He tiptoed back over to the mattress and took his trousers off, draping them neatly over the top of his mirror so they didn’t get creased and eased himself back beneath the covers.
He cuddled up against Beau’s side and pulled the blankets around them. Then he just let himself feel the moment, catch up with everything that happened tonight. When he resumed rubbing Beau’s back beneath the covers, it was soft caresses this time, the scent of the massage oil still strong. He watched the snow getting heavier outside, having no idea what would happen in the morning, but trying to heed Beau’s words to let it go and try to look forward. Somehow.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Try to look forward
Where: Austin's new apartment, NYC
When: Simultaneous to this
Beau rolled onto his back, tugging the sheets with him and let out an apathetic breathless sigh. He gazed up at the ceiling, swiping his hand over his sweaty face. Then he closed his eyes and knotted his fingers in his hair, feeling the steam drain out of him.
“We probably shouldn’t have done that, should we?” Austin bit his lip, clutching to the corner of the sheet with a hesitant glance thrown in Beau’s direction. He wasn’t even sure he should speak up. Beau was totally unreadable in this moment and Austin was painfully aware his ex-husband - who he was still in love with - was naked in bed beside him. He was also still painfully erect beneath the sheets but he wasn’t going to verbalise that. He just had to think unhappy thoughts to try to get it to go down but the more he tried not to think about it, the more his dick felt like it was throbbing.
Unexpectedly, Austin did manage to find an apartment in the time since he got trashed and Beau hooked him up to a banana bag in hospital and that Beau was away on a conference followed by a brief secondment to consult on a case in Minnesota. He really didn’t expect Beau to text him when he returned. But true to his word, as always, Beau kept his promise and shot Austin a text suggesting they should give this talking thing another shot. The apartment Austin found was a loft and was still empty, save for a mattress on the floor, a couple of beanbags, and a fridge. He tried to keep busy and not hyperfixate on Beau, which is how he managed to find an apartment and sign a lease. There hadn’t been time to go furniture shopping but at least he didn’t have to tell Beau to meet him in a hotel room for their all-important follow up ‘talk’.
As soon as Austin answered the door to Beau, he knew something was different. He didn’t know what but it instead of talking and after only a few words of greeting passed between them, they were locked in a heated and hungry kiss, which led to tearing clothes off, and finally, in a tangled mess amongst Austin’s new purple silk sheets… for all of three-ish minutes, give or take. Until Beau stopped and pulled away, flopping onto his back after they barely even got started. “... is it because I’m Positive?” he was asking quietly.
After some stiff shuffling under the sheets, Beau handed Austin a used - but empty - pink condom. “Dick failure. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You got any Pepto?” He sat up on the mattress, shoving the slippery sheets away and sat on the side, waiting for the hint of dizziness to pass. Then he stood up and went over to the kitchen sink, leaning over to drink straight from the tap.
Beau sat up, the sheets pooling around his middle and looked at the condom dangling between his fingers. “You feeling sick?” he asked, watching Beau, confused. Was Beau upset about his dick failure? He didn’t seem to be. He wasn’t embarrassed. It was more just… resolute, maybe? Something in that ballpark. Typical Beau, he was just standing there in the kitchen starkers. It was almost as if nothing had changed with them at all. If only. “I think I’ve got Tums in my bag.”
“That’ll do.” Beau went over to where Austin’s messenger bag was sitting on the end of the kitchen counter. He dug around inside and eventually found the packet of Tums, popping a couple into his mouth. “A little. Side effects.”
“Side effects,” Austin repeated with a little frown of concern. He reached over and tossed the condom into the plastic bag he was using in lieu of a trash can. He really needed to get his finger out with the shopping. “What for? You should come back under the covers or you’ll catch a chill. I got this place for the open fire but who would’ve thought, you actually need to supply your own firewood. God help me if I have to wear a lumberjack shirt. I’ll start looking like a hipster,” he joked, punctuating with a slight smirk.
Beau came back and sat on the side of the mattress, scrutinising Austin for a few moments. “Truvada.” He let the word hang between them, waiting for Austin’s penny to drop. He looked away, weaving the hem of the sheet between his fingers, forehead creasing with deep thought. “Apparently pointless because my cock is fucked and so is my libido.”
Austin blinked, tongue tracing over his lips. “PrEP? You’ve started taking PrEP… for me? For… us? You mean, you want to…”
“I don’t know yet. I need more time. This is all I’ve got to give at the moment. I need that to be enough for you. For now.” Beau knew Austin probably needed more information to work with but piecemeal and step-by-step, day-by-day, was all Beau could deal with. It was all he had been able to cope with since his therapist diagnosed him with clinical depression after he began having suicidal urges. He didn’t talk about it to many people because one thing near impossible to explain was how a cancer survivor, who fought and beat a life-threatening illness twice, felt like he didn’t want to live anymore. All he had done in the time he was away on the conference as a keynote speaker for Residents working in pediatric oncology was think and overthink on whether part of the reason he couldn’t pull himself out of the dark slump was because he missed Austin and was grieving his marriage. “While I was away, I did a lot of thinking and I just couldn’t get past wondering if I made a mistake with the divorce. I think it might’ve been knee-jerk because I was too messed up inside to handle more hurt. I wanted to throw it away and bury it so I didn’t have to feel it.”
“Come here, darling. Lie down with me.” Austin took Beau’s hand and coaxed him to lie down so he could spoon him. There were no words to describe how it felt for him when Beau let him and didn’t pull away. Snow had begun to fall outside and he was glad he picked the apartment with the huge windows. He may as well sink some of his hard-earned cash into a nice place to live. “It’s enough, okay? Because you don’t have to give me anything. You don’t even have to explain. I’m just sorry you thought sex was something you needed to test-drive when I know you weren’t really into it emotionally. I thought it might’ve just been one for the final road, so to speak.”
Beau shrugged, lacing his fingers with Austin’s where his hand was cuddling Beau’s chest. “Maybe it was, on some level. I guess it was an option. I can’t lie, I wanted it to be over but… fuck, I’m not folding to my fucked up delusions. We had no closure because I don’t know if we ever could. Ending would’ve been the less messy option. I fucking hate that you cheated on me but I can’t keep blaming you for doing it when you had no intentions of hurting me. This was just… I don’t know. Seeing if it felt the same before things went bad for us. But it’s not working. My dick’s comfort zone is flaccid. Was stupid to try to use it as a way to measure what the fuck our next move should be. I wanted it to work.”
Austin mulled over things quietly, not wanting to rush any of this. There was a surreal relief settling in him that Beau wasn’t cutting shit off for good. This was a twist of fate he never expected or anticipated. He really thought all this was Beau working on closure. Now they were naked in bed together. Well, naked on a mattress in his bare new apartment but same deal. “Do you… um… do you want me to try to get you off? Forget about me, just let me see if I can help. I’m not trying to suggest I’m some sort of sex god. Just that… well, I know your body. I know what you like. Even if it doesn’t work, it might still feel good. No pressure for you to get it up and pound me into the middle of next week. Tell me if I’m reading this wrong but I feel like you just need a bit of something here. It’s not stress relief. Is it intimacy…? Is that what you wanted to feel here?”
Beau wanted to hate that Austin knew him so well. He really wanted to exorcise himself of that and leave the marriage and the cheating well behind, never looking back. He hadn’t looked back but maybe that had contributed to how he had been feeling lately. He didn’t know a lot of how he felt about any of this but he knew he hadn’t been feeling right in a long time. When he was away, he was finally honest with himself that trying to make a clean break from Austin was never going to work. “I feel like that’s just going to… complicate shit.”
“Complicate shit? You don’t think shit is already about as complicated for us as it can be?” Austin asked with a wry smile, patting Beau’s chest.
“Right. Point,” Beau snorted, amused. He ran his tongue over his lips and exhaled slowly, gaze on the grand - but not lit - open fire across the room. It was a gorgeous apartment. It wouldn’t be long before it was filled with designer furniture and amazing flash art in Austin’s much loved glam contemporary style. Right now, it was stark and empty but warm. The place had good heating for something with a huge open fire. It was comforting to see the snow falling out the large windows and be cosy inside. Or it could just be because they were snuggling for the first time in a very long time and it didn’t feel wrong. “Can I just blame it on having no libido?”
“Well, your only other option is to blame it on the boogie. I mean, the sunshine and moonlight are out, and don’t even get me started on blaming it on good times,” Austin joked.
That made Beau laugh and for a moment or two, he was taken right back to when things were excellent with them. Joking had always been how Beau got through tough things but he lost a lot of that spark these days without any desire to try to get it back. “Not yet. Soon. This can’t just be about sex. It can’t be about sex at all. Sure, it’s a massive issue for me but there’s more we need to work out here. We need to test drive. Okay? If this is going to be a thing, I need a cooling off period in case it turns out cheating really was the penultimate nail in the coffin. I just don’t know what our next steps are supposed to be.”
Austin nodded, not letting his mind wander so listening to Beau had his undivided attention. “You can have a cooling off period for as long as you like. You don’t even have to predetermine the length of time. Just take whatever you need. You could always move in here with me. Just tell me if that’s nuts but I know you live in a shared place, and Zander’s still there. I’ll be in this place on my own. We don’t even have to share a bed or bedroom or anything. You can have your own space. I’ll be jetting in and out for Justin’s tour, so we won’t constantly be in each other’s pockets but we’d have time to keep talking shit out. It’s just an option. If you want to try to figure out some possible next steps now. Another is that I shut up and let you get some sleep because you look and sound wiped out. Or we could order in takeout. Make a cuppa. Take a bath. The tub’s absolutely amazing. How about we just take a step at a time?”
Beau rolled onto his back so he could see Austin’s face. “Move in? Shit, I actually almost forgot that you never do anything in halves. I’m not living in the shared place anymore, though. I moved in with Aaron for the time being. Mostly out of respect to Zander because I had to call it quits and because I thought Paxton’s other half might want to move in there eventually now we don’t know how long he’ll be disabled for.” He rubbed his hand over his stomach while he contemplated things quietly, then left it resting there. “But this place is kinda cool. I probably wouldn’t actually consider the option if you wouldn’t be travelling on some of the tour. I’m not a good roommate right now. My schedule’s nuts because I’ve taken on extra work with Brandon. He’s paying for round-the-clock care to give him the best chance. I mean, if you’re a trajillionaire or whatever and you can’t use your cash to try to beat cancer, what’s the point? Mostly, when I’m not at work, I’m… tired. Just tired.”
Austin propped his head up on his hand and put his other over Beau’s resting on his belly. “Are you feeling okay to eat? We can order something from your favourite Chinese and then just sleep if you want to. But I get it. That tiredness you’re talking about, it’s not what goes away with sleep. It’s the depression. Plus, you’ve put yourself on PrEP, which can make you feel pretty shitty too. Is there any way you can take a few days off, rest up, take care of yourself for a little bit? The offer to stay here still stands. I won’t pressure you. Ball’s in your court and I mean that without an iota of a testicle pun.”
“Didn’t put myself on it. Alex prescribed it for me. Just with my immune system not being so crash hot and all. I don’t want you thinking I did it because I didn’t trust you to wrap or anything. But I knew… I knew we’d fuck. Try to anyway. I think I just wanted to see if it felt like it used.” Beau scratched his head slowly, feeling like it took physical force to mentally reason through all this. “Maybe just order something anyway? My gut’s been upset since I started the pills but I’ve got to eat something, right? What the fuck are we supposed to do here? I feel like part of the reason I’m not a mess is because I’m too tired to be.”
“Is it bad that I’m glad about that? It’s okay if you feel like you need to be a mess anyway. I hope you’re not but if you need to be, I can handle it.” Austin dropped a brief kiss to Beau’s forehead and then rolled over to get his phone where the number of their mutual favourite takeout place was still stored in his contacts. “You still like your usual? You know what? I’m going to UberEats some soup for you too. You should eat something. If we’re going to keep working on this, taking it a step at a time, I have to at least make sure you’ve got something in your gut if the pills you’re taking for me make you sick.”
Beau gave an indifferent wave of his fingers and rolled onto his side, pulling the covers up to his chin. “Surprise me. What’s the plan for you with the tour? Are you travelling with them to all the shows, or just certain ones?” The attempted small talk felt weak to him when he heard the words come out of his mouth. He knew more about Justin’s tour than he was letting on. He worked with Sam a lot when he needed cardiac consults for any of his patients and they bumped into each other in the cafeteria all the time on breaks. This was just his way of trying to readapt to the fact he had to interact with Austin again. That was something he never planned on. In fact, he had planned on doing everything in his power to avoid being in Austin’s presence in this lifetime and the rest eternity. He watched the snowflakes hit the window. “I love the snow. When I don’t have to be out in the fucker.”
Austin finished putting in a quick order for food from the two different places and tossed his phone over the side of the mattress on top of his latest pile of fashion magazines, including the proofs Gen had FedEx’ed over to him of the cover with Justin wearing one of Austin’s most favourite designs he had ever worked on. Justin would wear it on his tour and then it was going to be auctioned off for the charities he worked with. Then he pulled the covers back and got back under them with Beau. “You probably know more about the specifics of the tour than I do at this point. You work with members of his family. He’s doing the two performances in each port. His solo show one night, then the Footloose performance the next. The plan always was for him to have at least three to four days rest between each stop so he can switch off an have downtime. Of course, in amongst that, the whole entourage will be travelling and he’ll have press commitments. My job is basically to check in on some of his solo shows, make sure everything’s okay with the outfits and designs. Plus, he’s had me design some things for a couple of the larger press appearances. I’ll be flying in and out. Technically not on the tour with them.”
He was glad Beau was sticking around and not running away after throwing a passionate ‘Go fuck yourself’ at him as he left. “I remember how much you love the snow. Or more accurate, you loved snow because you said it was perfect fucking weather. Then when you got sick, you liked it because you could watch it out the window while you were stuck in bed feeling miserable and it reminded you that you weren’t ready to give up on the beautiful things in life. Alexa? Turn off lights!” The lights in the apartment shut off and the only light left in the apartment was from the street lights coming in through the curtain-less windows. He cuddled up into Beau’s side and kissed his bare shoulder. “Has all this with Brandon made you scared again your cancer might return? I remember how you were before you got sick after I met you. It terrified you. It’s got to be worse now.”
Beau pressed his lips together, closing his eyes for a moment while he let the question hang in his mind. It wasn’t something he hadn’t asked himself a lot but he never got to the point of answering himself. It was one of those things that crept into his head on long middle of the night on-call shifts when Brandon was at his worst and it really looked like he wasn’t going to make it. Every time Beau did a round, he was so sure he would find that Brandon had passed in his sleep. It wasn’t something he spoke out loud to anyone. You never did say that stuff out loud in case the world heard you. “Yes and no. I mean, the chances of me relapsing are higher than ever. There’s higher odds I’ll get it again than that I won’t. That scares me shitless because I don’t think I’ve got another fight left in me. If it happens, I don’t know if I want to fight it,” he murmured and shrugged helplessly. “Also not so much worse. Because it was about as bad as it could be before I relapsed the first time. You see someone come back from the brink of it like Brandon, though, it’s a reminder even the worst case scenario is still not death. And he was, damn it. He was about as worst case as it comes without flatlining. Which he did actually do a few times. I’m just scared because if it happened to me right now, I wouldn’t want to fight it. I wouldn’t want to go through chemo again. Go through any of it again. So, yeah… that’s some excess baggage you should probably be aware of.”
Austin wanted to jump forward with all the right things to say. He wanted to offer the platitudes and reassurance but that tiny inner voice in his head reminded him Beau didn’t like platitudes. Not when it came to cancer. Beau wasn’t putting this out there right now for reassurances, it was a warning, and that was why Austin couldn’t speak straight up. He choked up and his gut clenched with dread as memories roared to the forefront of Beau’s DNR before his bone marrow transplant and the weeks of fear Austin had to survive that Beau would crash and no one could touch him to bring him back. “I— the—” he stammered but stopped and cleared his throat, collecting himself before he tried again. “Do you still, um, have an advanced directive with a DNR in place? I’m just… I… I’m envisaging you in a car crash or a mugging and they don’t touch you to save your life.”
Beau raised his eyebrows and his forehead creased as if Austin’s words felt heavy in his head. “It was only valid for complications or artificial prolonging of life relating to the cancer or cancer treatments. Please tell me you can at least cook up some hypothetical happy outcomes in your head too. I thought I was the only one who needed happy pills to get me going in this scenario. And I’m not talking about Viagra.”
“I have happy hypothetical happy endings. Just so you know, I can have them, like, Disney level of disgustingly happy, right? Because they all involve us both wearing wedding rings.” Austin traced his fingertips over the orange leukemia awareness ribbon tattooed on Beau’s chest, remembering the day he got it done, when he went into remission for a second time.
“Yeah, who are we married to? Please say the Hemsworth brothers.” Beau gave Austin a tired smirk. “Nah, scratch that. I don’t even feel like sex with them.”
Austin snickered, glad Beau hadn’t lost his deep-seated humour, even if other parts of him were hurting. “That’s okay, I’ll have sex with both of them.”
Beau snorted with a laugh, knowing he probably should’ve expected that response but he wasn’t as on the ball as he usually was. Even though he was at peace with what was happening here, it had been emotionally draining to sort through all his feelings while focusing on work while he was away at the conference. He lost count of the amount of times he changed his mind about what to do and what he wanted. “Is it true, you really haven’t been with anyone since we divorced?”
“No, actually, I haven’t been with anyone since I cheated. It’s just been the last thing on my mind, considering I knew I still loved you and I didn’t want to be with anyone else. Processing that I have HIV took a lot and I didn’t feel like I deserved to be happy anymore.” Austin shrugged and shifted a little beneath the covers, giving Beau some space. These things would never be easy to talk about. He didn’t know why Beau wanted to bring it up again because it had to be painful for him. It was painful for Austin to talk about but he promised Beau he would be honest. Maybe that’s all it was, Beau testing his promised honesty. “I don’t want to keep hurting you with this, darling,” he added softly, looking away.
“I know. I do. But for me to work through this, you’ve got to let me ask things and you’ve got to talk to me about it. This is the only way I’m going to find any peace with it. I know how sexual you are and always have been. So, when you say you haven’t been with anyone since all that, then I think that’s important. I also think that we need to… uh… I guess have a conversation about how sex isn’t really on my radar right now.” Beau looked back to Austin, pressing his lips together. “It’s not going to be how it was before.”
Austin brushed Beau’s hair back from his face. “I know. There’s no way it would be. We’ve both changed a lot since then. I don’t need sex at the moment. I’ve not done it in so long, I don’t miss it. I know sex is not what you want or need right now. But what about this other stuff? Company and romance and care, I guess. Rather than just letting sex get in the way of what we really need to sort out and work through, let’s just shelve it. Ball’s in your court - pun not intended - for whenever you’re ready. Weeks, months, years, it doesn’t matter. I’ll wait. I mean, I can’t promise I’d just be okay if you got sick again and didn’t want to fight but I’d understand. Because I’ve seen what you go through and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone who didn’t want to fight it, especially not you. Can I give you a massage instead? You seem tired and stressed. I know I’m contributing to both. You used to love my massages.”
Beau smiled at that. “Yeah, I did. Credit where credit’s due. We were pretty good together, even when everything else sucked. I would never take any of that away from you, you know. How you took care of me when I was at my worst and I never once had to ask for help. You were always just there. You sacrificed a lot. I know you put your career old hold while I was sick. The cheating, that fuck up, it doesn’t undo all the reasons why I married you or loved you. It definitely doesn’t erase any of that. So, if that’s what you think or have felt, you can shelve it. But… and this is a big but, so don’t lie to me… I know some HIV meds can cause pain or burning in the hands or feet. Meaning, that’s a no, I’m okay, if that’s the case. Shit, I just realised I never asked you when you were diagnosed. I just assumed it was right after it happened.”
“Darling, I’m a designer. I think I would cry if I had pain in my hands. For one, I wouldn’t have been able to hand-stitch a million odd rainbow Swarovski crystals on Justin’s tour ensemble. I wouldn’t be able to stitch or cut or measure, so thank fuck that’s not a side effect I experienced and I do actually still keep essential oils practically on tap, so I have oil if you want a back rub.” Austin got up to go get it from his bathroom anyway. He came back and held the little bottle up. “Coconut and vanilla, your favourite. I never could stop myself buying this one. The fragrance reminded me of you. I was diagnosed about six months ago. There was some trial and error with my meds. They made me really sick at first. I was hospitalised with severe vomiting at one point. It eventually eased. I’m used to the medication now.”
“Then who am I to pass up the coconut and vanilla? You’re such a corny fucker, all nostalgic over an essential oil that half the hipster fucks probably cook their smashed avo toast in every morning. I’m glad the meds didn’t fuck with your hands, though. I know that would’ve crushed you. I didn’t know if you had staff or anything to do all that. Doesn’t surprise me you wanted to handcraft Justin’s shit, though. You always had a soft spot for him because he let you go to town with his designs. I remember the day you came home in tears because you saw all his self-harm scars when you were measuring him for a red carpet thing.” Beau pushed the covers out of the way and rolled onto his stomach so Beau could give him a massage. There was no denying how much he needed it. “What happened to get you to a doctor in the first place? Did it just show up on a regular HIV check?”
Austin shifted so he could straddle over Beau’s legs and shook some of the oil out into his palm. He blew out a sharp breath and shook his head. “That day is still burned into my mind, you know. He actually has more now. Not just self-harming scars but scars in general. I didn’t know he had a major abdominal surgery. But he’s got scars all over his hips and thighs. Even inside his upper arm. He said he’s had lasering on some of it to reduce the appearance. He was more open about it this time. He’s grown up a lot. I can’t believe he’s freaking engaged. Sasha’s a total sweetheart. I used to think we looked like perfect soul mates, but that pair shit all over our record.” He started to rub the oil into Beau’s shoulders, noticing Beau didn’t have near the muscle tone he used to when they were first married. He lost a lot of weight when he was sick but that was awhile ago. He didn’t seem to have toning of regular gym use. “It was a regular overdue check which my doctor in LA ran when I had a flu I couldn’t shake. The fatigue, holy fuck. That’s actually why I went to the doctor. I think maybe the CFS finally got me like it did Angel.”
“Yeah, he’s come a long way but he also had some of his worst breakdowns since you left. A major one when his mother got into his head from prison and he went to see her. Led him right back into drinking and Ice use. A lot of bad shit culminated and he was hospitalised in a closed word, then nearly died from a bowel blockage from the level of self-harm he was doing to himself. Then his mother was murdered in prison, so she got what was coming. Sash is an absolute sweetheart. Don’t worry, they make most adults feel relationshiply-inferior,” Beau admitted with a laugh and then a hum of relief escaped him when he felt Austin start to work his knotted muscles. All this was a huge twist to any of the ways he anticipated Austin’s return turning out. Taking it as it came made it a bit easier. “So, are you really okay with it all now? Or have you just put up an okay front to tell me the news so you don’t burden me with it? Bear in mind, I’ll know if you’re bullshitting me.”
Austin poured a little more oil into his palm and concentrated on softly and slowly working Beau’s knotty and tense shoulders. He paused when he mentioned Justin’s mother - well, his kidnapper who paraded as an abusive cunt of a mother - was murdered in prison. “Wait. Murdered? Justin said she was dead but he rapidly moved on from the topic as soon as it was stumbled upon. He told me he has regular ketamine now, which has helped for the most part. Did Mark have something to do with that, uh, convenient demise?” He knew Mark. They all very much knew Mark, a father who would literally kill to protect his kids and Mark knew people. He had connections. He had Clint. Clint had an undisclosed amount of connections both in and out of the criminal underworld. He went back to the backrub, contemplating Beau’s direction question. “I’m… adjusting. Which means, yes, I’m okay. But it’s been really hard to accept and process that I was so stupid to let it happen to me. That it’s forever. At least, medically-speaking, so far. That might change. I know there’s a lot of advancements. It’s been six months and there’s no viral load detected, which is huge. I have bad days where I really hate myself. For everything. Not just that. Usually the days I miss you the most and miss Angel.”
Beau hummed in lieu of being able to nod. “Nothing’s been outright said but the timing of it all, I’d put money on the fact Mark orchestrated something. Justin was in an horrific condition after she got into his head again. The reason he ended up hospitalised if because he told Sash if he didn’t lock him away ASAP, he was going to kill himself. I’d say Clint sorted it but we’ll never know for sure. It won’t be spoken of again. Honestly, if it was my kid, I would’ve done the same thing. The only way to guarantee she never harmed Justin again was get rid of her. Okay, so you’ve band-aided your emotional adjustment to a diagnosis. We need to work on that, love. Okay? You don’t have to keep up a ruse that you’re doing fine because medicine has advanced and there’s people worse off than you.” He looked over his shoulder to Austin, even if it could only be a glance so he didn’t hurt his neck. “Being diagnosed with HIV sucks because of the stigma and fallacies about it. It’s okay to be upset or angry about it. Do you want me to come to your next doctor’s appointment with you?”
“I would’ve done the same thing too. I can’t even imagine knowing your kid has been through that much trauma and there’s hardly anything you can do to stop the pain. Do you ever wish we tried again with our surrogacy plans after we lost it the first time? I think about that so much, how things would be different. I think I would’ve realised you weren’t okay. I fucking hate myself for not seeing that. It’s not even that I didn’t see it. I did. I just thought it was me, that’s where I fucked up. Do you want me to shut up? I would love you to come to my next doctor’s appointment, even if you are a doctor and it will be boring as batshit for you.” Austin fell quiet, hearing himself start to fall into rambling territory because he didn’t want to piss Beau off.
“No, no… listen. Just stop for a moment and listen, okay? Come sit here so I can see you.” Beau patted the mattress beside him. He waited until Austin shifted and he could see him again. “You need to let it go, love. All that stuff, it’s done. It’s gone. We can’t change it. We weren’t meant to have a baby, otherwise we’d have one. It wasn’t meant to be and I don’t even think it’s on my radar anymore. But this other stuff? I don’t want you to keep flaying yourself with it. I’m not going to keep making you pay for one mistake, one fuck up. Not now we both know the bigger picture. And no, I don’t want you to shut up. We could’ve prevented a lot if you didn’t shut up on me back then so let’s not let history repeat itself. I only have the energy to move forward. I can’t keep looking back. Back it’s too hard and too… over. Just forward. Yeah?”
Austin gave Beau a small smile and nodded but before he could reply, the apartment buzzer sounded. “That’s dinner. I’ll be right back.” He got up and found his pants to pull on because no matter how extroverted and not-shy he was, no delivery guy needed to be met at the door by anyone starkers. They didn’t get paid enough for that. He buzzed the guy up and tipped him when he handed over both the pizza and the chicken and veg soup he ordered for Beau. “Shit, these both smell amazing. I might need to fight you for the soup. It reminds me of what our gran used to make us when we were sick kids. Because, you know, twins… whenever one of us got sick, the other would be infected with the same germ by the next morning and Gran stepped up with the TLC and babysitting if we couldn’t go to school. Seems like forever ago. So, how’s your gut, darling? You want to try the pizza or the soup?”
He put the food on the kitchen counter and when he looked over at Beau for his answer, he spotted that he had dozed off. He caught himself smiling fondly and wrapped the food in a couple of teatowels and put it into the oven to keep some of the heat in, in case Beau was just taking a power nap. Probably not, though. He knew Beau was tired and not just the sort that could be cured with a good sleep. He tiptoed back over to the mattress and took his trousers off, draping them neatly over the top of his mirror so they didn’t get creased and eased himself back beneath the covers.
He cuddled up against Beau’s side and pulled the blankets around them. Then he just let himself feel the moment, catch up with everything that happened tonight. When he resumed rubbing Beau’s back beneath the covers, it was soft caresses this time, the scent of the massage oil still strong. He watched the snow getting heavier outside, having no idea what would happen in the morning, but trying to heed Beau’s words to let it go and try to look forward. Somehow.
LOG, COMPLETE