dreamlikenewyork | "At least we got good friends giving me great times."

"At least we got good friends giving me great times."

Who: Justin Campbell and Amarlie-Rose Satori with anyone else who wants to jump in
What: Overdue Squad Chillout
Where: Casa de Campbell, Upper East Side
When: Weekend Sleepover

It had been way too long since their squad had a decent hangout. There had been the holidays and a bunch of family shit going on - not to mention Justin discovering he had a long-lost biological birth mother out there who loved him - that time just got away and they hadn't had a chance to get together as a group. Those of them that lived at Casa de Campbell decided this weekend was it, and PJs and hot chocolate were a much, considering they were expecting snow. It was the shitty weather that had them deciding a sleepover would be fun. There was plenty of room and it would give them the chance to hang out and have fun, especially with Justin's tour due to kick off in a few weeks where he and a lot of his friends who worked with him would be on the road soon.

Dressed in his fluffy rainbow onesie PJs, Justin grabbed a Krispy Kreme donut and a can of Diet Dr Pepper and leapt over the back of the couch, dropping in the spot right up next to his sister, Amarlie, giving her a mischievous grin. "So - how about them vajayjays?" he asked pointedly, licking some donut glaze off his pinkie finger.

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"That's the creative in him, though. He's not just doing a job, it's in his blood and his soul. We know it's go hard, or go home for Jus. You're always going to worry about him and want to make sure he's okay... safe. You've been with him through some of his worst times, it's natural you're going to be anxious. I think all that will ease once it starts and he's just out there doing what he's made for." Cassidy took Sash's hand and brushed her thumb over his knuckles. But then she turned bright red when he said that and an embarrassed giggle escaped her, shaking her head. "Not yet. We haven't had a chance. We were kind of thinking maybe the night of the opening. It's Valentine's Day, after all. We'll be staying in a hotel. It'll be special. That's important to me and I know it is to him too. Hell, I'm so nervous, though. Maybe even more about that than the tour, which is saying something, huh?"

Sasha wet his lips and gave Cassidy a smile, grateful that she understood the challenges he had loving Justin, for a lot of reasons most people wouldn't even consider. But so much of their relatioship was private and it always would be. But not from their friends. Their friends were family. It made everything a little easier. "It's just because of what happened with the OD. And me being an epic stress-head. No one is ever going to know how he'll mentally cope with something new until he tries it and we're all conscious he might not just deal. But there's backup plans. Stripping back to an unplugged show if the whole big explosive no-holds-barred set is too strenuous. I know he's going to be incredible. I'm probably going to bawl my eyes out with pride every show for at least the first three weeks," he laughed, raking his curly hair back from his face and leaning back. "Oh, yeah. Jus and me are staying the night at some super romantic place he's arranged. It's got a jacuzzi in the room and all. I think he'll be WAY too pumped for anything romantic, though. He probably won't even sleep. Cas, your first time is just... it's not scary but it's overwhelming when you're not going into it all as a conventional person. Have you guys done any stuff at all? I know easing into it really helped me."

Cassidy put her arm around Sasha and gave his head a kiss. "I talked to him about this, you know. One of the many gruelling dance rehearsals when we were taking a breather. He told me that even if he can't just deal, he knows to say so. You'll probably be the one who he tells first or you'll figure it out before he does and you'll tell him. Even if he's mentally ill, sweetie, he's not stupid. When he OD'ed, we knew he wasn't well. We just didn't realise how bad he got so quick. This time, we'll all watch and make sure everyone communicates if something doesn't seem right. But I think he's going to fly. This, the performing and tour stuff, he can do it. He's going to be on such a high. You're going to worry about him every step of the way because he's your world and you love him. Just like you did with Andi. It's who you are, Sash. Don't worry, you won't be alone bawling your eyes out in pride. Us lo, we'll be a chorus line of bawling," she laughed, giving him an affection snuggle. "Yeah, we've done some stuff. Enough for me to know everything down there works with someone else's help. Enough to know my unconventional body doesn't turn him off. He loves it. That means so much to me. Like, I think he's one of the most amazing guys to ever exist. I didn't think guys like him really did. At least, not until I met all you guys. But the actual sex bit? Why is it so scary? It doesn't seem like it should be."

"I'm so fucking proud of him. I feel like I keep saying that but I am. Not just that he's this superstar music genius, because being proud of him for that goes without saying. It's how strong he's been after this latest episode. That dialysis was gruelling but he was so focused on his tour. He just wants to be able to give something to his fans for supporting him. But you're right, he is conscious of he's feeling mentally and I know he'll raise the alarm if he starts to get shaky. He's so ready for this. It's really going to be a miracle if I don't cry through the whole thing. I'll have to hide from the media so they don't get any ugly cry pics and post them all over TMZ." Sasha nodded, a knowing smile on his lips. "Then the battle's half-won, Cas. You've navigated each other's bodies and I know for an absolute fact because he's told me, Tori adores every part of you, inside and out. He'a a walking hornbag right now. He said he can't stop thinking about you. Are you, um, happy with how everything went downstairs with your surgery or does it still feel strange? I know you struggled to get used to everything more than you thought you would. I think sex is scary because it's the ultimate vulnerability. At least, it was for me. I know it was partly because I was ace without realising it. My first time, or the first few times, it all felt very foreign because I didn't have the sexual attraction. It was different. Tor also said you guys were thinking about living together. Have you thought about coming here? We still have a spare room in our apartment here."

"How's he been since finding his mom? I met her at the New Year party and she's seriously the sweetest. I can see her in him so much and oh my god, how gorgeous is she? But she found him at a really tough time. Maybe for the best, though, so she could see his reality. Even if he's at peace with learning that horrible cunt wasn't really his mother but it's still got to be hard adjusting to learning how different his whole life could've been. He had the episode, the attempt, his mom, stressing about the tour, worrying about you. I know he's been worried about your anxiety but I also know you guys talk a whole lot so you wouldn't be shutting him out on that." Cassidy took a bite from her Red Vine, chewing thoughtfully while she twirled the remainder of the vine between her fingers. "What was your first time like? You don't need to give me the intimate details. That's not what I'm asking, really. Just... how did you feel before it and after it? Did it make you feel different? Was it better or worse than you expected? Did it feel awkward or strange? Did you snuggle after it? It's okay, I know you're ace. It'll feel different for you. But that's why I know you'll get the delay I've had, waiting to try to be ready for it. Now I just don't know what I've been waiting for. I went through a lot to get this body and fuck yes, do I want to share it with someone who loves it as much as I hope I can someday."

Sasha had opted for tea instead of soda tonight. There was a mountain of junkfood and sugary drinks but he didn't want to tempt fate with his stomach or risk a migraine having too much sugar. He took a mouthful, nodding. "Mm. Alexis is seriously the sweetest. Like, you put them side by side and you can see she's his mom. The have the same colour eyes and he has the fine features she has. Plus, he's the same height as his new granddad, where his dad and Sam were always a bit shorter than him. He's been doing pretty well. A bit up and down emotionally while he processes it and there's been a few days where his depression set in but that usually happens when he's got a lot of new information to work through. I'm so happy for him. Knowing that horrible abuser didn't give birth to him, I think it's been cathartic. It's a day by day thing but so far, so good. He's asked her to work on tour with him." He nearly choked on the tea when she asked him directly about his first time and he coughed to clear his throat. "Um... well, I'm ace so, yeah, it felt really awkward and unusual but not in a bad way. It's different without sexual attraction. We did all the romantic stuff, though. That's what made it special. It's scary, though, Cas. Which is okay. Just take it a bit at a time and communicate with each otheer. That was a huge part of it for me."

Cassidy grabbed a Hershey Kiss and peeled the foil off it. "When I first met him, he talked to me about how he had nothing in common with his mother or his grandparents. That he wasn't close to them and they didn't understand him. I mean, I know that was before he told anyone the reality of what he grew up with but I remember asking him if his dad was the only person he looked like, inherited anything from. He didn't exactly change the subject. He just said he must've gotten everything from his dad's side because he couldn't see anything from his mom's. Now Alexis is here and, hell, he go so much from her. It's amazing. When they sung together at New Year for the first time, it was awesome. He never wanted to see his grandparents again, did he? I mean, the ones in Chicago... who aren't really his grandparents anymore. Shit, it's so crazy. In a good way, though. He hasn't come from what he thought he did. Oh, wow! Is she going to come on tour? What's he asked her to do?" She grinned when she saw Sash getting bashful about the direct sex question. He wasn't a prude by any means but sex wasn't an easy subject for him. He wasn't ashamed about it but he wasn't as lay-it-all-out-there like Justin was. "Were you embarrassed about being naked with him? Did the things you did feel strange? That's what I'm nervous about. Not liking it or not knowing what to do in ways he enjoys it."

"It's so surreal. You guys have known him longer than I have and learned most of his story bit by bit as he revealed it. I had most of it in a big reveal, besides when he told me the reality of his abuse. But he's neverr talked to me much about that woman. Not that I needed him to. She was the ringleader of his abuse and it was a form of Stockholm Syndrome he had believing what she was doing for him was love. He knew no different. I was scared Alexis might hurt him. Hell, I sat up basically all night talking to Mark when the DNA test proved she was telling the truth. I didn't want her to mess with him close to his tour when he was working through an episode. I'm glad I was wrong. She's so lovely and she's sweet with him. How his life would've been different if he was never taken from her. He chose not to see his grandparents. He realised how much they must've turned a blind eye to his care once the reality came through his dissociation. He has Mark send them money so they can live comfortably." Sasha thought back to his first time with Justin, which was still vivid for him. "Sure, for a little at first. But when you're both in bed together naked, there's nothing to be embarrassed about if you already trust him. You guys have been dating awhile now. It's about more than just sex. It's about love. You'll like it, Cas. Trust me. That last part, though, you have to communicate what you both like. You don't go in just knowing that stuff. You learn it as you go. Everyone likes different things."

"You had it in the big reveal because he trusts you more than anyone else in this world. You're the one person who has never hurt him and always been there for him. That's not all it is, though. You let him be there for you too and that's so important to him. That it's not all about everyone taking care of him. He's just as much a nurturer. Trust me, I know. I know how strong he is. He talked me down from suicide. I had a gun to my head and he talked me down. In the mix of him all being sick and episodic, needing treatment and care, we sometimes lose sight of everything he's already survived. It wasn't survival through dumb luck. It was because of his strength. I think it probably takes a lot of that strength not to talk about that woman and what she did to him. Probably a lot more than what it takes to talk about it. Which is probably why he needed to jump head-first into this with Alexis before he got scared and that scared turned into a terror he couldn't overcome. So, he needed you to do the worrying for him. You're scared he's not going to be okay on the tour, aren't you? You just don't think you can tell him that and psyche him out." Cassidy ruffled Sasha's hair and looped her arm around his neck to give him a cuddle. "Did you get embarrassed about that? The communicating, I mean. How do you just tell someone what you like or don't in the middle of sex without getting embarrassed?"

With a small fond smile, Sasha's gaze fell to Justin. He was laughing with Amarlie, that big bright happy laugh he had when he was well and in a good headspace. He cherished these squad chillouts and they hadn't had enough of them lately with everything going on. "I'd rather die myself than hurt him. He thinks he's such a burden or unworthy when he's sick, but he's everything to me. I'm so fucking proud of him, I've literally run out of words to say how much. I know people think they can't imagine doing what I did, with the CPR to try to keep him alive, but you just do it. If it's the person you love, you just do it. You don't think about it. He doesn't equate survivil with strength in himself. But he does for everyone else. We love you, Cas. He'd do it all over again for you. I'm scared about everything at the moment. That's why I'm a walking ball of anxiety migraine, as Justin calls me. I don't tell him but I think he knows. He tries to reassure me." He smirked with a laugh. "Of course I did, at first. I was like a massive fish out of water talking about sex. It's hard to talk about a subject you've hardly even thought about. But he lead most of it at first, letting me know it was fine to tell him what I like or what I was feeling. I did a lot more of my telling after we'd done it, not so much during. It was easier that way. I wasn't even sure I liked it at first. Don't, at all, take my experience as gospel like it will happen with you. Gay sex has a different things to think about than straight sex."

"I remember when he first told me about you, you know. About you, as a Make-a-Wish gig, and then you when you infiltrated that part of him he thought would never work again. After things ended with Will, he said a lot about thinking no one would ever be able to love him and relationships felt too hard for him. He didn't believe anyone would be able to love all of him. Then he met you. He Skyped me that night and he was awed by you. How sweet you were and how much it helped him forget everything he just survived in Australia. Man, did I know. He kept smiling and gave me a running commentary on everything he learned about you. And I think at first he tried to resist what he was feeling. What he was feeling scared him a lot. Then one night, he came over to my place after he finished work and told me he was falling in love with you. He was scared he was going to break you. He gets scared he's going to break everyone who comes into his life. He doesn't realise that often, he's a glue that helps to keep some of us together, not break us. When he told me that, I knew you that somehow, you showed him you had what it took to love him. That was a small miracle. Are you going as okay as you can with the anxiety? Are you getting treatment? I saw how sick it was making you when we drove up to Vermont. Is it still making you sick?" Cassidy was giving him a once-over, even if she was trying to be discreet about it. He was a bit more pale than he usually was but he seemed to be holding up okay, even if he was stressed about his and Justin's life taking another big step with the tour.

She blew her hair out of her eyes, trying not to let herself start fantasising about Tori naked just because they were discussing the subject of sex. "Tor and me are both virgins, we probably have to lead ourselves, I guess? I'm just worried when it all happens, he's going to be turned off because I'm... you know... not biologically, um... natural. Or something. I know it's irrational but you know what a brain can do when left on its own. What is it like for you? Sex, I mean. Being ace. I wondered but I always thought it might be too nosey to ask so feel free to just tell me if it's too private to answer. I know you guys don't always do it but you have a pretty health sex life. I'm curious. Do you just wait for him to instigate now or do you kick it off too?"

It was surreal in some ways for Sasha to think back to that time because it still didn't feel all that long ago to him. The day he met Justin was still so fresh in his mind, even if it was awhile ago now. He remembered how Justin looked and seeing all over his face how sick he was, then a few moments later realising Justin was still there to meet him. It was the moment that changed his life. He just didn't know how much. "You should see the fabricated versions of that day his fans have written. Holy hell, I'm not sure what part of asexual they don't get. I wasn't immediately horny and couldn't control myself so much, we practically fucked on top of the piano. It wasn't like that. He was so sweet and gave way more than he needed to. He told me I was a good listener but he did a lot of the listening that day too. He didn't open up to me about a lot at first. It was like he was feeling me out, seeing if he could trust me. I know when the feelings started, though. So much has changed but I'm so freaking proud of him for coming this far. All the anxiety's worth it. I just... and don't get me wrong, I talk about this with him, with my folks, and all that, but... it's really hard for me when he brushes with death. This time, I really thought he'd done it. I was waiting for them to tell me I hadn't been able to help with the CPR. It's just kind of triggered my anxiety into a monster. Because I really thought I'd been doing CPR on him when he was already gone. It was a huge shock when they told me he was still alive. I'm getting treatment but I might deal with this shit forever now. I wish it would just go away because it makes it seem like I can't deal with his illness and I can."

"Sure, but don't forget, Tor came close when he was in London. He's not completely inexperienced. He talked to me about it at the time, that he just didn't feel like it was right and wanted to wait for someone he was in love with. He'll help you, Cas. I know it's easier said than done but try not to sweat it so much. Enjoy it. Your first time, you don't forget it when it's someone you love. You're biologically gorgeous, girl. So, you needed help to affirm your gender. That doesn't make you any less gorgeous or amazing. Sex is..." He couldn't help his gaze remaining on Justin while he thought about the questions. "It's amazing. Mostly because we only do it when we're both really in the mood. I'd say he instigates more but it's not all him. I'm ace but not aromantic. I love romance. I love all the stuff that comes before and after sex. Just... I don't have that raw physical attraction. I don't fantasise about sex or like watching porn. It doesn't do anything for me. But I feel things for Jus. The urge to be close to him, have him as close to me as I can. That's what it's like for me. Trust me, Cas. When you love someone, that stuff, it's not hard. It's amazing. You can ask me the logistical stuff about being with a guy if you want but basically any other person in this room save for Layla would have better answers than me."

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"At least we got good friends giving me great times."

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