"I was on autopilot. I didn't feel alone, I felt detached. Which is probably worse in a lot of ways because it means you can't always recognise something was wrong. I knew a lot wasn't right, and I knew I felt empty, but I put it down to fatigue. When I wasn't working, I just wanted to be in bed. The problem with cancer and chemo is that it can make someone recovering fatigued, so that's what we all put it down to. That's why I'm not laying everything on you. Don't get me wrong, I was so hurt and angry when you did it. I felt betrayed and defective. I thought you went out looking for sex because I couldn't give it to you. That's genuinely what I've been thinking. You thought I was falling out of love with you and didn't want you near. So, fucking what? It's fucking impossible right now for me not to be thinking if we could've saved our marriage, that it didn't have to end like that." Beau stopped, taking a deep breath once he let those feelings fall out of him in black and white, no holds barred. "But I don't know. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I've got no fight left, for anything. I just come to work, go home, go through the motions. Do the family thing, the friends thing but even that's autopilot. Brandon and Merlin coming to us for treatment once Merlin drew Brandon into our fold, it's woken up a lot of my own issues and I've been very much feeling my own unpredictable mortality. So, yeah... my feelings have shifted."