Jaxson Valteri Colt (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
photoflashes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-10-15 12:43 am
photoflashes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-10-15 12:43 am
" And we're intact incredibly. Disimpermenent, disability."
Who: Jaxson Colt and Paxton Carlyle (and Liam Morgan later)
What: Little bit of progress
Where: Neurological Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this
While Brandon’s condition deteriorated, Paxton had been improving little by little. It gave Jaxson something to take his mind off the fact there was a significant chance Brandon could die and he would never have another conversation with him again. He understood why he couldn’t visit him at the moment but it still hurt and he didn’t really know how to process any of this. Even though Paxton was still quite unwell in his recovery and they didn’t know what long-term issues he could have, he had been a really good listener when Jaxson poured his heart out about how he was feeling.
They finally got some good news about Paxton’s condition too. Evan had come on board as his treating Neurologist and he had been trialling some meds that could help Paxton with his vertigo and the fact he either threw up or passed out (sometimes both) whenever they tried to sit him up for longer than a couple of minutes. The medication meant Paxton started to feel a lot better and could be upright with just a little controlled nausea and lightheadedness. He still couldn’t feel his legs and he had on and off numbness and pins and needles in his arms, but it was a huge improvement.
So much so that Evan thought it might be okay for them to try to get Paxton out of bed for a bit and after gradually sitting him up more and more, that morning, they got him into a wheelchair so Jaxson could take him down to the visitors lounge at the end of the hall with views over Central Park. If Paxton felt up to it, he could have a cup of tea. But it was under strict orders that if it got too much for Paxton, they get him back to bed.
“So, despite the fact I tried to blackmail Evan to let me give you something alcohol or, you know, solid, about as gourmet as I could get for our date was sparkling apple juice… and that was with name-dropping Brandon,” Jaxson joked once he had covered Paxton’s legs with a blanket and sat down on the armchair beside him. He poured some of the drink into a clear plastic cup and offered it to Paxton, because it was unlikely he could hold it for too long on his own. “Even then, he told me to make sure you sip it. Talk about a buzzkill. Bet you were just hoping you could scull it, huh?”
“I’m allergic to apples,” Paxton told him, looking at the cup. But as soon as he saw Jaxson’s face fall and a look that could only be described as serious contemplation of throwing the cup across the room, he laughed. “I’m kidding. Relax. You looked like you were just about to piss yourself. At least we would’ve been more even on the embarrassment front if you had. I’m still not even sure why you’re here, all things considered.”
Jaxson put his hand on his chest with a heavy sigh of relief. “Jeezus, fuck. I might have also been contemplating suing your doctor for not knowing your allergies. You know how to give a guy a heart attack. I’m so not ready to see you nearly die again. I still have shot nerves from the first time. It’s nice to hear you laugh, you know.” He caught the straw between his fingers to hold it so Paxton could take a sip. “What is it going to take to convince you that you don’t have to be embarrassed? Say we had been dating long-term when this happened, would you still have been embarrassed then?”
Paxton sipped the apple juice but he still wasn’t tasting must more than a strange metallic taste that was always in his mouth. Evan told him that was likely neurological as well. Now he was beginning to feel better and getting more functioning back, he was starting to understand the significance of monitoring to see what could be treated or what he would have to deal with long-term, or even permanently. He hated it but at least he wasn’t dead. “I guess not. I wish now that I’d told you I wasn’t feeling well in Paris. I know you probably would’ve suggested I see a doctor and I might’ve listened if you did. Have you heard how Brandon’s doing? I can see you’re stressed. You don’t have to put up a front.”
“I would’ve. Especially if I knew how poorly you were feeling. I feel so bad you thought you had to try to hide it. Even when we were delayed at the airport and you were feeling bad. I just thought you were in a bad mood with all the timezone hopping and annoyed at being delayed. You must’ve been feeling so awful. I didn’t even realise when you said you weren’t in the mood for sex that second night and crashed out as soon as your head hit the pillow.” Jaxson had been beating himself up a lot about this, as much as he had for losing contact with Brandon to the point his BFF didn’t even tell him he had cancer. “Damien said B woke up briefly but he wasn’t really with it. He just tried to pull out his ventilator tube and managed to start breathing on his own again. Which is a really good sign, I guess. But he hasn’t woken up again since. It’s hard not being able to visit him.”
Paxton put his hand on Jaxson’s knee, glad he had functioning back in his arms and hands, even if his legs hadn’t followed suit. He still had a little numbness and pins and needles in his arms but it was more annoying than anything else. He could still use them but he couldn’t grip or hold anything too long. “My memory of Paris is hazy but I do remember just thinking maybe I was coming down with the flu again or hadn’t completely shaken it when I had it arriving back in New York. Or maybe I’d eaten something strange. Mostly, I just remember I kept feeling like I wanted to be sick and the fucking awful headache, everything spinning. I threw up at the airport, I just didn’t say anything. I felt a wee bit better after that but then everything beyond that is really fuzzy. You can’t keep feeling bad about it. You didn’t give me meningitis. And I’m glad you were there with me. Merlin will take good care of him. He’s one of the sweetest guys.”
Jaxson sighed and started to softly rub Paxton’s back. “I know why you felt you didn’t want to tell me. We didn’t know if we were going to date and all that. But even so, if you’d told me, yes, I would’ve taken care of you. I feel terrible knowing you were feeling that sick and trying to hide it from me. I would’ve done everything I could to help you feel better, even if it was just getting you water and a toothbrush to freshen up. That aside, you were really ill on the plane and even if I was shitting myself, I think I did okay taking care of you so I’m glad to be getting a chance, to see if there might be something between us. I definitely felt like there was, even if you were really wiped out in Paris.”
“I came back to the hotel after one of the fashion shows I had to work at while we were over there. I was definitely feeling wiped out. All I could do was lie down and I was feeling too rough to do anything remotely what we planned there. You laid down with me. I think I must’ve been in an out of sleep. I remember you rubbing my back like this.” Paxton closed his eyes briefly because it was being up was making him weary but he knew that would happen. “Things have been pretty shit for me since I screwed up with Liam. Now this. I really ready for something nice to happen. But… is this what you really want? What if I can’t walk anymore, can’t have sex, can’t… I don’t know. Whatever else might crop up.”
Jaxson nodded and shifted closer so Paxton could rest in against him if he wanted to. The moment Paxton said he needed to go back to bed, he would have him there ASAP. But he really wanted to get out of the confines of the hospital room for a bit so Jaxson would sit with him as long as he wanted. “You want to know one of the biggest things I’ve learnt coming back into Brandon’s life, seeing him with Merlin? It’s that you fall in love with the person, not the physical. You don’t fall in love with only their body, so when there’s something like an illness, you see beyond all that. It still hurts seeing them in pain and you wish you could take it all away, but if the feelings are real, they can make it beyond that. Which is hard some days. But worth it. I don’t think I’m anywhere as innately a carer as Merlin is, but I do want to try. Because I really like you and even though I’m pretty sure I’m going to suck at it some days, maybe fuck up sometimes, I want to try. I want to help, sure. But I also want to be here as an escape too. So, you don’t spend every single day feeling like all you are is an illness now. What good is it watching my BFF nearly die from cancer if I can’t learn lessons from it about my own life?”
Paxton’s eyes searched Jaxson’s face for a few moments. One thing he had always been was a good listener. Liam told him that all the time and it hadn’t changed when they broke up as much as he thought it would. Since he came back to New York, Liam had been talking to him a lot and it felt nice, like things were getting back on track. At least, until he nearly died from meningitis, which might have left him disabled. Now, it just felt Liam was mostly always in doctor mode but he knew that was because he was worried. “You can talk about it, you know. How you’re feeling about all that. Just because I’m sick and dealing with shit, doesn’t mean I want any of this one-sided… if we’re going to do this, that is. I don’t think it’s going to be real pretty. I’ve barely recovered from crapping myself in front of you.”
Jaxson kissed Paxton’s temple and stroked his hair. “I don’t know if I can talk about it without crying, that’s all,” he confessed, already getting choked up just at the thought of it. He had talked a little to Montana about things but other than that, he hadn’t been talking much at all. It was hard as fuck not being able to physically see Brandon. He saw him through a glass wall hooked up to all the imposing machines but it hadn’t even looked like Brandon. He couldn’t see his face with the ventilator either. “Pax, hon, you don’t have to feel bad about that. You can’t help it, you’ve had an infection in your brain. You think I don’t go to the bathroom? If we get serious, you’re well and truly going to learn that I do. That stuff might happen and that’s okay. I’m here to help. You just have to trust me.”
“Do you trust me?” Paxton asked quietly. He wet his lips, sighing softly. “It’s not really any of that. Maybe a little. It’s just… okay. Liam was the first serious relationship I’ve had. It took me longer to realise my sexuality than him. Or accept it, I guess. I always felt I had one foot on each team but I didn’t feel bi. So, I buried my head in the sand for awhile. I dated a couple of girls, each lasting a couple of weeks, give or take. It was enough to realise I was gay. During all that, Liam was with Damien and they were going to get married. When they had the huge breakup, Liam and I got closer in a different way. But he’s been my best friend since literally forever, so I’ve always been comfortable with him. We’ve seen each other at our worst. So, you’re really the first person I’ve started… dating, if we can call it that… who I’ve only just met and is a guy. It’s a learning curve. And I’ve always been shy as fuck. Blame it on the introversion.”
A small frown of appeared on Jaxson’s face. “Yes. Of course I do. You think I don’t trust you?” He liked hearing more about Paxton, especially from the horse’s mouth. When Paxton was his most ill and still comatose, Liam filled him in on a lot. He found it fascinating that Paxton was actually a really shy introvert but he nailed his male supermodel job. He had literally been photographed naked for a sexy and hot as hell photoshoot too. Jaxson loved seeing his work and had a desperate urge to have a sexy photoshoot with him. It was a long way off, with him still being so ill from the infection. He might never regain the use of his legs and that was really hard for him to think about. He offered Paxton another sip of the apple juice. “That’s okay, you know. I don’t want to rush you into anything but I do want to date you. More than anything right now. I just want you to be okay with me helping take care of you. If you think I can handle it.”
Paxton had another sip of the drink when it was offered but he didn’t know if he should mention he could barely taste it. Probably something he should mention to Evan. Shit, life was going to be bullshit if he lost the use of his legs and his tastebuds. “I’m not sure you know what trust means in a relationship,” he admitted, now he had a moment to consider what Jaxson was saying. “It’s not about rushing. It’s about the fact I’m physically fucked right now. Which probably means us physically fucking is well off the cards, even if I ever get out of this place. Even if Evan tells me I can get creative. I didn’t even want to know what that meant. I can be okay with it if you trust me. But it’s got to be a two-way thing.”
Jaxson tipped his head a little when Paxton said that. “Uh… well, shit. Maybe you have a point. I’ve never seriously dated. I guess I thought this stuff you knew naturally when you did it. Why do you think I don’t trust you? What’s giving you that feeling?” He watched Paxton drink and there was a bit of a wince or a cringe when he took the sip. “Is the drink okay? You don’t have to have any if it’s making you feel gross, hon. Pax, sex is the last thing on my mind right now, okay? That’s not why I’m doing this. Sure, we had some great physical chemistry but I’m not the manwhore type where I need it to survive. I’ve got a hand and lotion, I can take care of business. I’m sure there are ways to get creative. Brandon said as much. But he also said it stops being about sex and more about intimacy when you’re in love and illness is involved.”
“You don’t want to cry in front of me. But it seems talking about Brandon’s condition makes you want to cry, but you don’t want to let yourself be vulnerable in front of me. At the same time, you’re trying to convince me not to stress about the fact I had an accident in front of you when I was sick. I was also so sick on the flight with you that I was hardly conscious. That’s pretty epic levels of vulnerability. But you don’t want to be vulnerable with me. It’s just… it makes me wonder how unbalanced everything else would be if we date. Considering I have so much fucking recovery and rehab to face. There’s going to be a lot of me not being at my best. On top of that, I could be disabled for life. How am I supposed to get over the hurdles of intimacy if we can’t even talk about what you’re going through with your best friend nearly dying?” Paxton looked at the cup in Jaxson’s hand, shrugging. “I can’t really taste it. It’s just a faint metallic taste I’m getting.”
When Paxton spelled it all out for Jaxson like that, he could see how blatantly the imbalance was coming off. Of course Paxton would be feeling like this. Jaxson hadn’t even thought about it like that. He put the drink aside so he could sit forward and give Paxton a hug. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t want to involve you in that, or be vulnerable around you. I just know you’re going through a lot and I didn’t want to lay it on you. I do, though. I want to talk to you about it all. I’ve only talked to Montana for a little bit the day Brandon took the bad turn for the worst. I haven’t even spoken to my family. I never quite know what to say without worrying them more.” He sat back with a little frown. “That can be a neurological thing, right? Affecting the senses. We should talk to Evan. Do you want to try something else? I can get a can of Coke from the vending machine.”
Paxton shook his head and took Jaxson’s hand, even if he could only hold it loosely. At least he could feel his hands and arms again now but they felt weak and shaky. “I know I was sick. I know I’ve had an infection in my brain that nearly killed me. But mentally, I’m okay, other than exhaustion and fogginess. Just fucked up physically. Not too sick to listen to the guy who wants to be my boyfriend talk about what he’s going through with his best friend on death’s door with cancer. You forget that Zander’s my brother. He nursed his best friend through cancer, was even in love with him once upon a time. I went through that with him. I’m not saying you have to talk. I just want you to talk to me if you want to and not hold it all back. No Coke. I’m not ready to confront shit if I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Jaxson nodded, chewing the corner of his lip when he felt himself choke up already. “I’m just… scared if I talk about it, it’ll jinx him and he’ll die,” he admitted and now that he had the green light from Paxton, all his feelings were flooding to the surface and tears filled his eyes. “I wasted all this fucking time with him because my ego was bruised when he turned me down and now I might lose him in the worst fucking possible way.”
Paxton cuddled his arms around Jaxson best he could, even if they were feeling the same way your body did the day after you hit the gym hard after a long period of not working out. He kissed his forehead and just held him, relieved Jaxson was letting himself feel what he needed to and not trying to put up a front just because Paxton was recovering from being sick. It was a fucked up situation on all levels, but they had to trust each other before anything else had a chance of working. “It doesn’t work like that, love. You need to talk about it or it’ll eat you alive. If he dies, it’s because his body lost its fight against a deadly illness. And it’ll be the worst thing you ever go through, and it’s going to hurt for a really long time. Brandon knows how much this is hurting the people he loves. He told me that when I met him. I’m not going to let you try to do it alone.”
“I’m just so fucking angry. At everything. Maybe it’s because I feel so much guilt but no matter what way I look at this, it’s not fucking fair. I’m just so fucking glad he has Merlin because I know if he didn’t, he would be dead by now. He wouldn’t have gone this far, he wouldn’t have seen the point. I might never have seen him again. Fuck, now you’ve made me start, I might never stop.” Jaxson sat back, roughly wiping at his eyes with his fingertips and shaking his head.
There were probably a lot of tears shed in this small quiet family area because there was a box of Kleenex sitting on the table by the window. Paxton pulled a couple out and pressed them into Jaxson’s hand, then took his hand to hold. “You should be angry. You’re not immune to feelings, no matter how much you probably wish you are because it’d be easier to cope with. But… didn’t you say Merlin punched a wall and broke his wrist? Sounds like you’re not the only one who’s angry, love. Which means it’s normal. But I think you’re more scared than angry and hey, I totally get that. I just nearly died and I was terrified as fuck when I woke up and they told me what happened. I’m still terrified as fuck that I’m going to be permanently disabled. Maybe you just need to lie down and bawl your eyes out for a bit. Then maybe get some sleep, because you’ll wipe yourself out doing it. And it’s okay if you do. It can’t make you feel worse when you’re already feeling rock bottom.”
“You want me to leave? I don’t know if I want to go home and be alone. Bran’s place is so fucking huge and empty. I feel like I’m doing something here. But I don’t even know what. If I have to crawl into bed, I wish it could be with you. That’s another thing I’m not dealing well with but I didn’t want to tell you, put that burden on you. I wish we could have time alone together, without people poking and prodding you all the time in a hospital bed.” Jaxson wiped his eyes and nose with the Kleenex. “I really thought you were going to die on that plane. I can’t even describe it, you went downhill so quickly. When we landed, paramedics and airport staff just swooped on you. This is the first you’ve told me how you’ve been feeling about what’s happening to you. Do you want to talk about it?”
Paxton shook his head. “No. No, I don’t want you to leave. I didn’t mean that. I just think you need to let yourself feel and that’s going to exhaust you, tenfold to what you’re already feeling now. Listen, we’re lucky to know some of the staff here. I’m not hooked up to so much shit anymore. Maybe we can get them to give us some privacy for a little while, just checking in with whatever they need to do with obs. You can lie with me. We both probably need that. I think with my thing, I just… I don’t remember the worst of it. It’s this big chunk of time where people have told me how sick I was, but my head’s foggy and I feel like shit. It’s hard to accept I nearly died without warning and this may be it. I might not walk or… other things. I just feel like I’ve had this bad knock to the head and I’m hungover. But it’s not going away. I’d give anything to get out of here and be able to be in my own bed.”
Jaxson leaned in and gave Paxton a soft kiss, stroking Paxton’s hair. “What do you mean when you say you feel shit? This is still new, I can’t tell when you’re putting up a front or not. Don’t try to push through anything, okay? Do you need to go back to bed? I know you feel woozy pretty much all of the time. Just guide me. I want to help and be here for you. You don’t have to hide things. And I promise I’ll let you in more too. I just think if I lose my shit and start to bawl, I won’t know how to stop. About any of it. Brandon, you, feeling homesick, guilt, regret, fear.”
The kiss was nice. They hadn’t had many of them and Paxton was still getting used to having someone new intimately near him. Even if he lost a large chunk of his memory around the time he was sick, he remembered sleeping with Jaxson in Paris a few times and he remembered he was easy to talk to, even if he didn’t really remember much of what they talked about. He knew now if he had told Jaxson how unwell he had been feeling, he would have helped him and taken care of him. Even if all this was new and still unfamiliar, he knew how much pain Jaxson had been in about Brandon before Paris. So, he knew it was huge that Jaxson had developed feelings for him through all this. Paxton really didn’t feel very loveable right now and Jaxson had every reason to escape it all. He didn’t want to. “Nauseous. Headache. Just the usual. It’s the light, I think. Feels really bright. I just didn’t want to stop you talking. But I think maybe you need a lie down as much as I do.”
Jaxson was standing as soon as Paxton confirmed he wasn’t feeling so hot. He didn’t want to labour the point with him at all because he knew that could get annoying when you felt like utter crap 24/7 and people kept asking you if you were okay. But they didn’t know yet what Paxton’s condition was doing in the wake of the infection so pushing it too hard wasn’t a good idea. “Let’s get you back to bed. I can’t even deny that I probably do. I try to sleep but I can’t stop thinking.” He took his sunglasses from his breast pocket and carefully put them on Paxton for his eyes until they could get back to the hospital room and dim the lights. Even though a nurse came and offered help, this time, Jaxson helped Paxton back into bed himself. It was a slow process and Paxton’s wooziness intensified, almost making him throw up, but once he was lying down again, he seemed to feel a little better. Jaxson sat on the edge of the bed, stroking his hair. “You want me to go so you can snooze?”
“No, I want you to lie down with me.” Paxton softly patted the bed beside him with his fingertips. The lights were down as low as they could be and once they found a spot, Paxton let himself pause and assess what it felt like having Jaxson lying there with him. It wasn’t ideal. He really wished he could be home in his own bed, not feeling so awful, but shit happened. He caught a life-threatening infection and now he had to deal with the aftermath whether he wanted to or not. “This feels nice,” he murmured, holding Jaxson’s hand.
“It does. But tell me if you get uncomfortable.” Jaxson had one arm resting above Paxton’s head and he continued to stroke his hair. He brought their laced hands up to his face, brushing Paxton’s fingers to his cheek. “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if it’s too soon.”
Paxton nodded. “Something about Liam?” He wet his lips because they were feeling dry and cracked. There wasn’t anything glamorous about being in hospital. One of the worst parts was constantly feeling like you needed to shower but the prospect of them getting you up to do it was exhausting just thinking about.
Jaxson laughed a little. “Yeah. How did you guess? You haven’t talked much about when you guys dated, so I know it was a rough time. You went through a lot, fucked yourself up again. How did you feel when you heard he got back together with Liam, and even when you heard they were getting married? You’re still epic close BFFs, so I figured you dealt with it in some way that worked for you.” Lying this close to Paxton, just like they had in the luxurious Paris hotel, he could see how intense Paxton’s blue eyes were. They were piercing, and that wasn’t even a cliché.
“I don’t know. I guess that’s something that’ll always have a complicated answer. It was a complicated situation, but we knew that when we went into it. That it could get messy if it didn’t work. But we also made a pact that if anything went wrong, we wouldn’t let it destroy us. So, I think that’s what got me through it. I didn’t want to lose him. And honestly, he and Damien are soul mates. I was happy for them, but I guess I felt a little shellshocked. Not that they were back together or married. Just because so much happened in my life in a short space of time, I couldn’t keep up. Everyone was about ten jumps ahead and I felt left behind. I feel like I’ve been exhausted for months. Like jetlag, only with life instead. Guess I still do feel that now, even more after getting this sick and… well, it could change my whole life. I don’t know how to feel about that. Being in here isn’t really helping me get my head around everything, especially when my brain’s been fucked with an infection.” Paxton closed his eyes and took some deeps breaths, feeling himself break out into a sweat as telltale starts started shooting through his peripheral vision. “Shit, I’m starting to feel really awful again.”
Jaxson shelved what they were talking about as soon as Paxton said he was feeling bad again. And he had visible paled, he could feel the clamminess of Paxton’s skin when he touched his fingers to his cheek. “Do you feel like you’re going to pass out? Throw up?” he asked, making sure the nurse-call button was in easy reach if Paxton needed help. His breathing had shallowed too. Jaxson knew that feeling whenever he saw blood and passed out, just like he embarrassing had the day he arrived on Brandon’s doorstep and saw him have that massive nosebleed.
“Both…” Paxton mumbled, desperately wishing it would go away and pass. He hated how this kept coming back, each time making him fear this could be what he dealt with forever.
Jaxson propped himself up so he could hold one of the sick bags close for Paxton. He hoped like hell he didn’t go out in sympathy. He was getting better but he was still a prized sympathetic vomiter. That was nothing compared to what Paxton was experiencing. He had already heard Evan discussing the possibility that Paxton might deal with this for the rest of his life, like Jesse battled epilepsy. It sucked. “It’s okay. Try to ride it out, sweetheart. I’m right here, okay?”
It turned out to be a pretty bad episode. Paxton vomited three times and then passed out, head resting against Jaxson’s shoulder. Jaxson called for a nurse because he was freaked out this could be something serious. He was too distracted to go out in sympathy. Even worse, Paxton had another accident when he passed out, so Jaxson was relieved he lost consciousness because that was the part he was most embarrassed about. He stood nearby while the nurses got Paxton cleaned up and settled back in bed. He was still out when they finished and one of the nurses reassured Jaxson that it was just part and parcel of meningitis aftermath. They would report what happened to Evan but in the meantime, Jaxson could sit with him until Paxton woke up.
Jaxson sat close, brushing Paxton’s hair back. They probably pushed too hard trying to get Paxton up but the nurse told him these things had to be tested, so they knew how Paxton was progressing. He was starting to see how, through all they had to face, Brandon and Merlin still fell in love regardless. After a few moments of trying to figure something out in his head, Jaxson too his phone from his pocket and shot Liam a quick text, asking if they could chat whenever Liam had a few spare moments, even though he knew his schedule was nuts. The last thing he expected was Liam to appear less than ten minutes later.
“Hey, mate. Not so much success getting him up, huh?” Liam picked up Paxton’s chart to skim the latest entries. “Is that the reason for the Batcall? You’re feeling guilty about trying to get him up? If it wasn’t you, Jax, it would’ve been one of us. It’s you he wants. Trust me. His bloods are also showing low electrolytes, which also isn’t your fault. He just needs some more fluid therapy. He feel better once he gets that.”
“Yes, but no.” Jaxson watched Liam with Paxton’s charts. If there was one thing he had been relieved about through this entire thing, it was that Liam was a doctor. Not just because he helped him with that phone call on the plane but because he had kept his finger on the pulse through the entirety of Paxton getting sick, even he was worried sick himself. He had also given Jaxson plenty of updates on Paxton’s condition when he had been at his worst, but only after making sure Jaxson knew what he wanted first, so he didn’t hurt Paxton. “Low electrolytes is why he got sick?”
Liam could see from Paxton’s IVs that they had already started the fluid therapy, so once he was satisfied, he hung the chart back on the end of the bed. “Yes, that’s why you texted me but no you’re not feeling guilty?” He came and sat down beside Jaxson. “It’s hard to say with his condition. It’s possible. Low electrolytes can make a person feel pretty sick. It’s the cause of hangovers. But ironically, being sick can cause low electrolytes. And people wonder why med school is so hard. Either way, he won’t feel so shitty once the fluids do their thing. He’s on the mend but he’s still got a long way to go.”
“Yes, I feel guilty. No, that’s not why I texted you,” Jaxson clarified, back to stroking Paxton’s hair while he slept. “But I’ll feel slightly not guilty now you said that because, you know, science. Which I sucked at at school, so you get all those kudos points, mate. I don’t know how you did it but I’m glad you did. Is that why they’re keeping him in here? They still don’t know what’s wrong with him?”
“Partly. But it’s not that Evan doesn’t know. It’s just too early to know what is short-term and long-term. It’s one of the most deadly brain infections he had. Things like that don’t get better overnight, or even in weeks. We’re talking months, at least. Rehab’s going to be a long and arduous ordeal, and that’s only once they figure out what he needs and can tolerate,” Liam explained. He was more than happy to spell anything out for Jaxson that he needed. The fact he was still here showed he cared, and how much.
Jaxson frowned. “Are you saying he’s going to be in here for months? So, rehab’s why he can’t go home? He has to stay in for that?” He met Liam’s gaze. “Sorry, I don’t mean to interrogate. I just want to understand why he has to stay in. He’s miserable here.”
Liam sighed, biting his lip as he sat forward. He was on his break but being on the on-call shift, he could get paged to a case at any time. “No, he won’t be in here for months. He can do outpatient rehab. The simple answer is that he’s here because his condition as it stands now, he can’t stand or walk. He has no mobility in his legs. Which means, he’s not just reliant on a wheelchair, but multiple mobility aids. We’ve been trying to figure out the living situation. Initially, Damien and I were going to give him the downstairs studio apartment where we live. He lives upstairs with the rest of the guys. But we measured doorways and the bathroom and it’s just not a viable option, even if we get mobility aids installed. He’s also going to need a lot of hands-on nursing and help. Zander wanted to do it, but he made a promise to Merlin to be there for Brandon in the wake of the transplant. Jess has offered but he would need someone there with him, even if he does the nursing, in case he has a seizure. Pax won’t just be well if he gets discharged sooner rather than later. It would be a lot of what you see here, just as home nursing.”
“That’s the only reason he’s still in here? Because you haven’t got anywhere he can stay? Let me help. He can come to Brandon’s. It’s a fucking mansion. Most of it’s on a single level. Bran wouldn’t care if there’s disability aids put in to help. I can be there to help Jesse. I can be there to take care of Paxton, if he’d let me. I’m not entirely sure. He’s embarrassed still but I want to help. It’s not fair that’s the only thing keeping him in his place is somewhere to stay.” Jaxson didn’t mean to get upset, but he was. He stopped himself taking it out on Liam, though. That wouldn’t be fair.
“Jax, that’s a huge undertaking. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s amazing that you want to help out like that but taking care of a disabled person is extremely challenging. It’s not that I think you couldn’t do it but you need to appreciate the enormity of it. He will need help with everything. Showering, toileting, dressing, meals, medication, getting to and from the hospital for rehab. At first, there’ll be more hard days than not.” Liam scratched his forehead slowly. “It’s something we can probably all talk about but you have to know the depth of what you’re offering. That’s all.”
Jaxson sighed but it was helplessness, not annoyance. “I know the enormity, okay? The me before I arrived in New York and discovered my best mate was riddled with life-threatening cancer probably wouldn’t. But I’ve had to learn a hell of a lot recently. I’ve been with Pax through all this, from the moment he got sick. Just because I’ve not dealt with anything like this before doesn’t mean I don’t understand the enormity of it. I’ll do whatever it takes to figure it out. I want to care for him, on every level. I know he doesn’t believe me yet. I know you don’t. But that’s okay, I get it. But let me prove it.”
Liam nodded slowly, holding Jaxson’s gaze. “I’m not going to fight you on this, mate. That’s not my intention here. Ultimately, it’s Pax’s decision but I don’t think he would be averted to it. Probably got a lot of issues with embarrassment and modesty to tackle, just because he’s a shy and introverted guy. It’s not easy for anyone to have diminished dignity, but other than me, Pax hasn’t had an intimate and committed relationship with anyone. Those are things you probably have to figure out together. It gets easier… being vulnerable with someone, trusting them to take care of you. I can say that with good authority because it’s something that took me a really long time with Damien, because of my demons. But once you get over those struggles, it’s a powerful thing. Love… being loved… being taken care of, and taking care of them. Because that’s what I think. I think you’re falling in love with him. I see the signs,” he added with a faint smile.
Jaxson took a deep breath, holding it for a few moments and letting it out in a rush. “That’s what this feeling is, is it? I couldn’t be sure. Only person I’ve ever loved didn’t love me back. If anyone’s a prized authority on that, it’s you. You and Damien are clearly meant to be forever. Has it been a struggle not being able to get married? I know you want to wait until Pax is more on the mend.”
“Yep, that’s what it is and it’s going to be an emotional rollercoaster. The good outweighs the bad, though. It’ll just be bumpy while you figure out what this all looks like for you both. Just be patient with him. He’s effectively had a brain injury from the infection. That will affect his emotions just as much as his physical functioning. Evan’s there for you to talk to about all of this. He understands. Jesse’s his brother-in-law, he’s still one of Jace’s primary carers.” Liam’s phone buzzed and he checked it wasn’t anything important. It was just a notification of some pathology he ordered for a patient the night before. “Damien’s waiting for Merlin too. We don’t want to get married without our family, we’re more than okay waiting until things settle. It’s the last thing on our minds with Brandon’s life in the balance. Have you heard the latest with him?”
Jaxson brow furrowed and he wet his lips. “The latest? Fuck, is the latest bad news? I know he’s up there in an insular bubble away from the rest of the world, which is how it needs to be, but I only get occasional updates from Merlin via Zander when he comes to visit Paxton.”
Liam gave Jaxson’s shoulder a reassuring pat. “That’s just because there’s been little updates to report. Brandon’s condition has been critical but stable. Then he regained consciousness and started breathing without respiratory support, which was an excellent sign. A patient hovering in the terminal dangerzone, we would expect to see organs beginning to give out, systems starting to fail. Being on mechanical ventilation, they would have expected complete respiratory failure to have been on the cards, closely followed by cardiac failure. He would’ve gone quickly. Very quickly. So, this is a good sign. He’s been conscious and responsive, communicating a little even. Hold hope, mate. When us doctors talk about patients being fighters, that’s what Brandon is right now. He’s not ready to go.”
Jaxson’s throat felt dry and his emotions made his gut flip-flop. He swallowed, closing his eyes briefly. “You think that’s a legit thing? That if a patient isn’t ready to go, it gives them more of a fighting chance? I just thought that was platitude bullshit trying to soften the blow that someone you loved was about to die.”
“I’ve seen it. Once a patient is told they’re terminal, they begin to accept the inevitable. That’s because nothing else can be done. But up until then, some patients give up the fight. They’re ready for it all to stop. Others, they find something unexplainable inside and tap into some all-guns-blazing fight. Call me an old fashioned romantic, but I think in Brandon’s case, it’s love. Having Merlin close. Not wanting to leave him. There’s a lot of shit in this world we can’t explain and I think this is one of them.” Liam shrugged, just as his pager trilled. He checked the screen for the message. “And on that note, I have to go and be a doctor on a consult in the ER. Talk to Evan about getting Pax out of here. Make sure you eat and rest so you don’t fold at the first hurdle. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.”
Jaxson watched Liam hurry off to whatever emergency he was being called to. Then he watched Paxton sleep for a few minutes, softly patting away the beads of sweat from Paxton’s forehead with the damp cloth the nurse gave him. After a little more thought, he took his phone out and sent Evan a text, asking if he could chat to him about Paxton but that there was no urgency. After that, he went and fetched the spare pillow from a chair across the room and brought it back to drop it on the side of Paxton’s bed. He pulled his chair forward and settled down with his head on the pillow, holding Paxton’s hand and tried to coax his brain to at least let him take a nap.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Little bit of progress
Where: Neurological Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this
While Brandon’s condition deteriorated, Paxton had been improving little by little. It gave Jaxson something to take his mind off the fact there was a significant chance Brandon could die and he would never have another conversation with him again. He understood why he couldn’t visit him at the moment but it still hurt and he didn’t really know how to process any of this. Even though Paxton was still quite unwell in his recovery and they didn’t know what long-term issues he could have, he had been a really good listener when Jaxson poured his heart out about how he was feeling.
They finally got some good news about Paxton’s condition too. Evan had come on board as his treating Neurologist and he had been trialling some meds that could help Paxton with his vertigo and the fact he either threw up or passed out (sometimes both) whenever they tried to sit him up for longer than a couple of minutes. The medication meant Paxton started to feel a lot better and could be upright with just a little controlled nausea and lightheadedness. He still couldn’t feel his legs and he had on and off numbness and pins and needles in his arms, but it was a huge improvement.
So much so that Evan thought it might be okay for them to try to get Paxton out of bed for a bit and after gradually sitting him up more and more, that morning, they got him into a wheelchair so Jaxson could take him down to the visitors lounge at the end of the hall with views over Central Park. If Paxton felt up to it, he could have a cup of tea. But it was under strict orders that if it got too much for Paxton, they get him back to bed.
“So, despite the fact I tried to blackmail Evan to let me give you something alcohol or, you know, solid, about as gourmet as I could get for our date was sparkling apple juice… and that was with name-dropping Brandon,” Jaxson joked once he had covered Paxton’s legs with a blanket and sat down on the armchair beside him. He poured some of the drink into a clear plastic cup and offered it to Paxton, because it was unlikely he could hold it for too long on his own. “Even then, he told me to make sure you sip it. Talk about a buzzkill. Bet you were just hoping you could scull it, huh?”
“I’m allergic to apples,” Paxton told him, looking at the cup. But as soon as he saw Jaxson’s face fall and a look that could only be described as serious contemplation of throwing the cup across the room, he laughed. “I’m kidding. Relax. You looked like you were just about to piss yourself. At least we would’ve been more even on the embarrassment front if you had. I’m still not even sure why you’re here, all things considered.”
Jaxson put his hand on his chest with a heavy sigh of relief. “Jeezus, fuck. I might have also been contemplating suing your doctor for not knowing your allergies. You know how to give a guy a heart attack. I’m so not ready to see you nearly die again. I still have shot nerves from the first time. It’s nice to hear you laugh, you know.” He caught the straw between his fingers to hold it so Paxton could take a sip. “What is it going to take to convince you that you don’t have to be embarrassed? Say we had been dating long-term when this happened, would you still have been embarrassed then?”
Paxton sipped the apple juice but he still wasn’t tasting must more than a strange metallic taste that was always in his mouth. Evan told him that was likely neurological as well. Now he was beginning to feel better and getting more functioning back, he was starting to understand the significance of monitoring to see what could be treated or what he would have to deal with long-term, or even permanently. He hated it but at least he wasn’t dead. “I guess not. I wish now that I’d told you I wasn’t feeling well in Paris. I know you probably would’ve suggested I see a doctor and I might’ve listened if you did. Have you heard how Brandon’s doing? I can see you’re stressed. You don’t have to put up a front.”
“I would’ve. Especially if I knew how poorly you were feeling. I feel so bad you thought you had to try to hide it. Even when we were delayed at the airport and you were feeling bad. I just thought you were in a bad mood with all the timezone hopping and annoyed at being delayed. You must’ve been feeling so awful. I didn’t even realise when you said you weren’t in the mood for sex that second night and crashed out as soon as your head hit the pillow.” Jaxson had been beating himself up a lot about this, as much as he had for losing contact with Brandon to the point his BFF didn’t even tell him he had cancer. “Damien said B woke up briefly but he wasn’t really with it. He just tried to pull out his ventilator tube and managed to start breathing on his own again. Which is a really good sign, I guess. But he hasn’t woken up again since. It’s hard not being able to visit him.”
Paxton put his hand on Jaxson’s knee, glad he had functioning back in his arms and hands, even if his legs hadn’t followed suit. He still had a little numbness and pins and needles in his arms but it was more annoying than anything else. He could still use them but he couldn’t grip or hold anything too long. “My memory of Paris is hazy but I do remember just thinking maybe I was coming down with the flu again or hadn’t completely shaken it when I had it arriving back in New York. Or maybe I’d eaten something strange. Mostly, I just remember I kept feeling like I wanted to be sick and the fucking awful headache, everything spinning. I threw up at the airport, I just didn’t say anything. I felt a wee bit better after that but then everything beyond that is really fuzzy. You can’t keep feeling bad about it. You didn’t give me meningitis. And I’m glad you were there with me. Merlin will take good care of him. He’s one of the sweetest guys.”
Jaxson sighed and started to softly rub Paxton’s back. “I know why you felt you didn’t want to tell me. We didn’t know if we were going to date and all that. But even so, if you’d told me, yes, I would’ve taken care of you. I feel terrible knowing you were feeling that sick and trying to hide it from me. I would’ve done everything I could to help you feel better, even if it was just getting you water and a toothbrush to freshen up. That aside, you were really ill on the plane and even if I was shitting myself, I think I did okay taking care of you so I’m glad to be getting a chance, to see if there might be something between us. I definitely felt like there was, even if you were really wiped out in Paris.”
“I came back to the hotel after one of the fashion shows I had to work at while we were over there. I was definitely feeling wiped out. All I could do was lie down and I was feeling too rough to do anything remotely what we planned there. You laid down with me. I think I must’ve been in an out of sleep. I remember you rubbing my back like this.” Paxton closed his eyes briefly because it was being up was making him weary but he knew that would happen. “Things have been pretty shit for me since I screwed up with Liam. Now this. I really ready for something nice to happen. But… is this what you really want? What if I can’t walk anymore, can’t have sex, can’t… I don’t know. Whatever else might crop up.”
Jaxson nodded and shifted closer so Paxton could rest in against him if he wanted to. The moment Paxton said he needed to go back to bed, he would have him there ASAP. But he really wanted to get out of the confines of the hospital room for a bit so Jaxson would sit with him as long as he wanted. “You want to know one of the biggest things I’ve learnt coming back into Brandon’s life, seeing him with Merlin? It’s that you fall in love with the person, not the physical. You don’t fall in love with only their body, so when there’s something like an illness, you see beyond all that. It still hurts seeing them in pain and you wish you could take it all away, but if the feelings are real, they can make it beyond that. Which is hard some days. But worth it. I don’t think I’m anywhere as innately a carer as Merlin is, but I do want to try. Because I really like you and even though I’m pretty sure I’m going to suck at it some days, maybe fuck up sometimes, I want to try. I want to help, sure. But I also want to be here as an escape too. So, you don’t spend every single day feeling like all you are is an illness now. What good is it watching my BFF nearly die from cancer if I can’t learn lessons from it about my own life?”
Paxton’s eyes searched Jaxson’s face for a few moments. One thing he had always been was a good listener. Liam told him that all the time and it hadn’t changed when they broke up as much as he thought it would. Since he came back to New York, Liam had been talking to him a lot and it felt nice, like things were getting back on track. At least, until he nearly died from meningitis, which might have left him disabled. Now, it just felt Liam was mostly always in doctor mode but he knew that was because he was worried. “You can talk about it, you know. How you’re feeling about all that. Just because I’m sick and dealing with shit, doesn’t mean I want any of this one-sided… if we’re going to do this, that is. I don’t think it’s going to be real pretty. I’ve barely recovered from crapping myself in front of you.”
Jaxson kissed Paxton’s temple and stroked his hair. “I don’t know if I can talk about it without crying, that’s all,” he confessed, already getting choked up just at the thought of it. He had talked a little to Montana about things but other than that, he hadn’t been talking much at all. It was hard as fuck not being able to physically see Brandon. He saw him through a glass wall hooked up to all the imposing machines but it hadn’t even looked like Brandon. He couldn’t see his face with the ventilator either. “Pax, hon, you don’t have to feel bad about that. You can’t help it, you’ve had an infection in your brain. You think I don’t go to the bathroom? If we get serious, you’re well and truly going to learn that I do. That stuff might happen and that’s okay. I’m here to help. You just have to trust me.”
“Do you trust me?” Paxton asked quietly. He wet his lips, sighing softly. “It’s not really any of that. Maybe a little. It’s just… okay. Liam was the first serious relationship I’ve had. It took me longer to realise my sexuality than him. Or accept it, I guess. I always felt I had one foot on each team but I didn’t feel bi. So, I buried my head in the sand for awhile. I dated a couple of girls, each lasting a couple of weeks, give or take. It was enough to realise I was gay. During all that, Liam was with Damien and they were going to get married. When they had the huge breakup, Liam and I got closer in a different way. But he’s been my best friend since literally forever, so I’ve always been comfortable with him. We’ve seen each other at our worst. So, you’re really the first person I’ve started… dating, if we can call it that… who I’ve only just met and is a guy. It’s a learning curve. And I’ve always been shy as fuck. Blame it on the introversion.”
A small frown of appeared on Jaxson’s face. “Yes. Of course I do. You think I don’t trust you?” He liked hearing more about Paxton, especially from the horse’s mouth. When Paxton was his most ill and still comatose, Liam filled him in on a lot. He found it fascinating that Paxton was actually a really shy introvert but he nailed his male supermodel job. He had literally been photographed naked for a sexy and hot as hell photoshoot too. Jaxson loved seeing his work and had a desperate urge to have a sexy photoshoot with him. It was a long way off, with him still being so ill from the infection. He might never regain the use of his legs and that was really hard for him to think about. He offered Paxton another sip of the apple juice. “That’s okay, you know. I don’t want to rush you into anything but I do want to date you. More than anything right now. I just want you to be okay with me helping take care of you. If you think I can handle it.”
Paxton had another sip of the drink when it was offered but he didn’t know if he should mention he could barely taste it. Probably something he should mention to Evan. Shit, life was going to be bullshit if he lost the use of his legs and his tastebuds. “I’m not sure you know what trust means in a relationship,” he admitted, now he had a moment to consider what Jaxson was saying. “It’s not about rushing. It’s about the fact I’m physically fucked right now. Which probably means us physically fucking is well off the cards, even if I ever get out of this place. Even if Evan tells me I can get creative. I didn’t even want to know what that meant. I can be okay with it if you trust me. But it’s got to be a two-way thing.”
Jaxson tipped his head a little when Paxton said that. “Uh… well, shit. Maybe you have a point. I’ve never seriously dated. I guess I thought this stuff you knew naturally when you did it. Why do you think I don’t trust you? What’s giving you that feeling?” He watched Paxton drink and there was a bit of a wince or a cringe when he took the sip. “Is the drink okay? You don’t have to have any if it’s making you feel gross, hon. Pax, sex is the last thing on my mind right now, okay? That’s not why I’m doing this. Sure, we had some great physical chemistry but I’m not the manwhore type where I need it to survive. I’ve got a hand and lotion, I can take care of business. I’m sure there are ways to get creative. Brandon said as much. But he also said it stops being about sex and more about intimacy when you’re in love and illness is involved.”
“You don’t want to cry in front of me. But it seems talking about Brandon’s condition makes you want to cry, but you don’t want to let yourself be vulnerable in front of me. At the same time, you’re trying to convince me not to stress about the fact I had an accident in front of you when I was sick. I was also so sick on the flight with you that I was hardly conscious. That’s pretty epic levels of vulnerability. But you don’t want to be vulnerable with me. It’s just… it makes me wonder how unbalanced everything else would be if we date. Considering I have so much fucking recovery and rehab to face. There’s going to be a lot of me not being at my best. On top of that, I could be disabled for life. How am I supposed to get over the hurdles of intimacy if we can’t even talk about what you’re going through with your best friend nearly dying?” Paxton looked at the cup in Jaxson’s hand, shrugging. “I can’t really taste it. It’s just a faint metallic taste I’m getting.”
When Paxton spelled it all out for Jaxson like that, he could see how blatantly the imbalance was coming off. Of course Paxton would be feeling like this. Jaxson hadn’t even thought about it like that. He put the drink aside so he could sit forward and give Paxton a hug. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t want to involve you in that, or be vulnerable around you. I just know you’re going through a lot and I didn’t want to lay it on you. I do, though. I want to talk to you about it all. I’ve only talked to Montana for a little bit the day Brandon took the bad turn for the worst. I haven’t even spoken to my family. I never quite know what to say without worrying them more.” He sat back with a little frown. “That can be a neurological thing, right? Affecting the senses. We should talk to Evan. Do you want to try something else? I can get a can of Coke from the vending machine.”
Paxton shook his head and took Jaxson’s hand, even if he could only hold it loosely. At least he could feel his hands and arms again now but they felt weak and shaky. “I know I was sick. I know I’ve had an infection in my brain that nearly killed me. But mentally, I’m okay, other than exhaustion and fogginess. Just fucked up physically. Not too sick to listen to the guy who wants to be my boyfriend talk about what he’s going through with his best friend on death’s door with cancer. You forget that Zander’s my brother. He nursed his best friend through cancer, was even in love with him once upon a time. I went through that with him. I’m not saying you have to talk. I just want you to talk to me if you want to and not hold it all back. No Coke. I’m not ready to confront shit if I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Jaxson nodded, chewing the corner of his lip when he felt himself choke up already. “I’m just… scared if I talk about it, it’ll jinx him and he’ll die,” he admitted and now that he had the green light from Paxton, all his feelings were flooding to the surface and tears filled his eyes. “I wasted all this fucking time with him because my ego was bruised when he turned me down and now I might lose him in the worst fucking possible way.”
Paxton cuddled his arms around Jaxson best he could, even if they were feeling the same way your body did the day after you hit the gym hard after a long period of not working out. He kissed his forehead and just held him, relieved Jaxson was letting himself feel what he needed to and not trying to put up a front just because Paxton was recovering from being sick. It was a fucked up situation on all levels, but they had to trust each other before anything else had a chance of working. “It doesn’t work like that, love. You need to talk about it or it’ll eat you alive. If he dies, it’s because his body lost its fight against a deadly illness. And it’ll be the worst thing you ever go through, and it’s going to hurt for a really long time. Brandon knows how much this is hurting the people he loves. He told me that when I met him. I’m not going to let you try to do it alone.”
“I’m just so fucking angry. At everything. Maybe it’s because I feel so much guilt but no matter what way I look at this, it’s not fucking fair. I’m just so fucking glad he has Merlin because I know if he didn’t, he would be dead by now. He wouldn’t have gone this far, he wouldn’t have seen the point. I might never have seen him again. Fuck, now you’ve made me start, I might never stop.” Jaxson sat back, roughly wiping at his eyes with his fingertips and shaking his head.
There were probably a lot of tears shed in this small quiet family area because there was a box of Kleenex sitting on the table by the window. Paxton pulled a couple out and pressed them into Jaxson’s hand, then took his hand to hold. “You should be angry. You’re not immune to feelings, no matter how much you probably wish you are because it’d be easier to cope with. But… didn’t you say Merlin punched a wall and broke his wrist? Sounds like you’re not the only one who’s angry, love. Which means it’s normal. But I think you’re more scared than angry and hey, I totally get that. I just nearly died and I was terrified as fuck when I woke up and they told me what happened. I’m still terrified as fuck that I’m going to be permanently disabled. Maybe you just need to lie down and bawl your eyes out for a bit. Then maybe get some sleep, because you’ll wipe yourself out doing it. And it’s okay if you do. It can’t make you feel worse when you’re already feeling rock bottom.”
“You want me to leave? I don’t know if I want to go home and be alone. Bran’s place is so fucking huge and empty. I feel like I’m doing something here. But I don’t even know what. If I have to crawl into bed, I wish it could be with you. That’s another thing I’m not dealing well with but I didn’t want to tell you, put that burden on you. I wish we could have time alone together, without people poking and prodding you all the time in a hospital bed.” Jaxson wiped his eyes and nose with the Kleenex. “I really thought you were going to die on that plane. I can’t even describe it, you went downhill so quickly. When we landed, paramedics and airport staff just swooped on you. This is the first you’ve told me how you’ve been feeling about what’s happening to you. Do you want to talk about it?”
Paxton shook his head. “No. No, I don’t want you to leave. I didn’t mean that. I just think you need to let yourself feel and that’s going to exhaust you, tenfold to what you’re already feeling now. Listen, we’re lucky to know some of the staff here. I’m not hooked up to so much shit anymore. Maybe we can get them to give us some privacy for a little while, just checking in with whatever they need to do with obs. You can lie with me. We both probably need that. I think with my thing, I just… I don’t remember the worst of it. It’s this big chunk of time where people have told me how sick I was, but my head’s foggy and I feel like shit. It’s hard to accept I nearly died without warning and this may be it. I might not walk or… other things. I just feel like I’ve had this bad knock to the head and I’m hungover. But it’s not going away. I’d give anything to get out of here and be able to be in my own bed.”
Jaxson leaned in and gave Paxton a soft kiss, stroking Paxton’s hair. “What do you mean when you say you feel shit? This is still new, I can’t tell when you’re putting up a front or not. Don’t try to push through anything, okay? Do you need to go back to bed? I know you feel woozy pretty much all of the time. Just guide me. I want to help and be here for you. You don’t have to hide things. And I promise I’ll let you in more too. I just think if I lose my shit and start to bawl, I won’t know how to stop. About any of it. Brandon, you, feeling homesick, guilt, regret, fear.”
The kiss was nice. They hadn’t had many of them and Paxton was still getting used to having someone new intimately near him. Even if he lost a large chunk of his memory around the time he was sick, he remembered sleeping with Jaxson in Paris a few times and he remembered he was easy to talk to, even if he didn’t really remember much of what they talked about. He knew now if he had told Jaxson how unwell he had been feeling, he would have helped him and taken care of him. Even if all this was new and still unfamiliar, he knew how much pain Jaxson had been in about Brandon before Paris. So, he knew it was huge that Jaxson had developed feelings for him through all this. Paxton really didn’t feel very loveable right now and Jaxson had every reason to escape it all. He didn’t want to. “Nauseous. Headache. Just the usual. It’s the light, I think. Feels really bright. I just didn’t want to stop you talking. But I think maybe you need a lie down as much as I do.”
Jaxson was standing as soon as Paxton confirmed he wasn’t feeling so hot. He didn’t want to labour the point with him at all because he knew that could get annoying when you felt like utter crap 24/7 and people kept asking you if you were okay. But they didn’t know yet what Paxton’s condition was doing in the wake of the infection so pushing it too hard wasn’t a good idea. “Let’s get you back to bed. I can’t even deny that I probably do. I try to sleep but I can’t stop thinking.” He took his sunglasses from his breast pocket and carefully put them on Paxton for his eyes until they could get back to the hospital room and dim the lights. Even though a nurse came and offered help, this time, Jaxson helped Paxton back into bed himself. It was a slow process and Paxton’s wooziness intensified, almost making him throw up, but once he was lying down again, he seemed to feel a little better. Jaxson sat on the edge of the bed, stroking his hair. “You want me to go so you can snooze?”
“No, I want you to lie down with me.” Paxton softly patted the bed beside him with his fingertips. The lights were down as low as they could be and once they found a spot, Paxton let himself pause and assess what it felt like having Jaxson lying there with him. It wasn’t ideal. He really wished he could be home in his own bed, not feeling so awful, but shit happened. He caught a life-threatening infection and now he had to deal with the aftermath whether he wanted to or not. “This feels nice,” he murmured, holding Jaxson’s hand.
“It does. But tell me if you get uncomfortable.” Jaxson had one arm resting above Paxton’s head and he continued to stroke his hair. He brought their laced hands up to his face, brushing Paxton’s fingers to his cheek. “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if it’s too soon.”
Paxton nodded. “Something about Liam?” He wet his lips because they were feeling dry and cracked. There wasn’t anything glamorous about being in hospital. One of the worst parts was constantly feeling like you needed to shower but the prospect of them getting you up to do it was exhausting just thinking about.
Jaxson laughed a little. “Yeah. How did you guess? You haven’t talked much about when you guys dated, so I know it was a rough time. You went through a lot, fucked yourself up again. How did you feel when you heard he got back together with Liam, and even when you heard they were getting married? You’re still epic close BFFs, so I figured you dealt with it in some way that worked for you.” Lying this close to Paxton, just like they had in the luxurious Paris hotel, he could see how intense Paxton’s blue eyes were. They were piercing, and that wasn’t even a cliché.
“I don’t know. I guess that’s something that’ll always have a complicated answer. It was a complicated situation, but we knew that when we went into it. That it could get messy if it didn’t work. But we also made a pact that if anything went wrong, we wouldn’t let it destroy us. So, I think that’s what got me through it. I didn’t want to lose him. And honestly, he and Damien are soul mates. I was happy for them, but I guess I felt a little shellshocked. Not that they were back together or married. Just because so much happened in my life in a short space of time, I couldn’t keep up. Everyone was about ten jumps ahead and I felt left behind. I feel like I’ve been exhausted for months. Like jetlag, only with life instead. Guess I still do feel that now, even more after getting this sick and… well, it could change my whole life. I don’t know how to feel about that. Being in here isn’t really helping me get my head around everything, especially when my brain’s been fucked with an infection.” Paxton closed his eyes and took some deeps breaths, feeling himself break out into a sweat as telltale starts started shooting through his peripheral vision. “Shit, I’m starting to feel really awful again.”
Jaxson shelved what they were talking about as soon as Paxton said he was feeling bad again. And he had visible paled, he could feel the clamminess of Paxton’s skin when he touched his fingers to his cheek. “Do you feel like you’re going to pass out? Throw up?” he asked, making sure the nurse-call button was in easy reach if Paxton needed help. His breathing had shallowed too. Jaxson knew that feeling whenever he saw blood and passed out, just like he embarrassing had the day he arrived on Brandon’s doorstep and saw him have that massive nosebleed.
“Both…” Paxton mumbled, desperately wishing it would go away and pass. He hated how this kept coming back, each time making him fear this could be what he dealt with forever.
Jaxson propped himself up so he could hold one of the sick bags close for Paxton. He hoped like hell he didn’t go out in sympathy. He was getting better but he was still a prized sympathetic vomiter. That was nothing compared to what Paxton was experiencing. He had already heard Evan discussing the possibility that Paxton might deal with this for the rest of his life, like Jesse battled epilepsy. It sucked. “It’s okay. Try to ride it out, sweetheart. I’m right here, okay?”
It turned out to be a pretty bad episode. Paxton vomited three times and then passed out, head resting against Jaxson’s shoulder. Jaxson called for a nurse because he was freaked out this could be something serious. He was too distracted to go out in sympathy. Even worse, Paxton had another accident when he passed out, so Jaxson was relieved he lost consciousness because that was the part he was most embarrassed about. He stood nearby while the nurses got Paxton cleaned up and settled back in bed. He was still out when they finished and one of the nurses reassured Jaxson that it was just part and parcel of meningitis aftermath. They would report what happened to Evan but in the meantime, Jaxson could sit with him until Paxton woke up.
Jaxson sat close, brushing Paxton’s hair back. They probably pushed too hard trying to get Paxton up but the nurse told him these things had to be tested, so they knew how Paxton was progressing. He was starting to see how, through all they had to face, Brandon and Merlin still fell in love regardless. After a few moments of trying to figure something out in his head, Jaxson too his phone from his pocket and shot Liam a quick text, asking if they could chat whenever Liam had a few spare moments, even though he knew his schedule was nuts. The last thing he expected was Liam to appear less than ten minutes later.
“Hey, mate. Not so much success getting him up, huh?” Liam picked up Paxton’s chart to skim the latest entries. “Is that the reason for the Batcall? You’re feeling guilty about trying to get him up? If it wasn’t you, Jax, it would’ve been one of us. It’s you he wants. Trust me. His bloods are also showing low electrolytes, which also isn’t your fault. He just needs some more fluid therapy. He feel better once he gets that.”
“Yes, but no.” Jaxson watched Liam with Paxton’s charts. If there was one thing he had been relieved about through this entire thing, it was that Liam was a doctor. Not just because he helped him with that phone call on the plane but because he had kept his finger on the pulse through the entirety of Paxton getting sick, even he was worried sick himself. He had also given Jaxson plenty of updates on Paxton’s condition when he had been at his worst, but only after making sure Jaxson knew what he wanted first, so he didn’t hurt Paxton. “Low electrolytes is why he got sick?”
Liam could see from Paxton’s IVs that they had already started the fluid therapy, so once he was satisfied, he hung the chart back on the end of the bed. “Yes, that’s why you texted me but no you’re not feeling guilty?” He came and sat down beside Jaxson. “It’s hard to say with his condition. It’s possible. Low electrolytes can make a person feel pretty sick. It’s the cause of hangovers. But ironically, being sick can cause low electrolytes. And people wonder why med school is so hard. Either way, he won’t feel so shitty once the fluids do their thing. He’s on the mend but he’s still got a long way to go.”
“Yes, I feel guilty. No, that’s not why I texted you,” Jaxson clarified, back to stroking Paxton’s hair while he slept. “But I’ll feel slightly not guilty now you said that because, you know, science. Which I sucked at at school, so you get all those kudos points, mate. I don’t know how you did it but I’m glad you did. Is that why they’re keeping him in here? They still don’t know what’s wrong with him?”
“Partly. But it’s not that Evan doesn’t know. It’s just too early to know what is short-term and long-term. It’s one of the most deadly brain infections he had. Things like that don’t get better overnight, or even in weeks. We’re talking months, at least. Rehab’s going to be a long and arduous ordeal, and that’s only once they figure out what he needs and can tolerate,” Liam explained. He was more than happy to spell anything out for Jaxson that he needed. The fact he was still here showed he cared, and how much.
Jaxson frowned. “Are you saying he’s going to be in here for months? So, rehab’s why he can’t go home? He has to stay in for that?” He met Liam’s gaze. “Sorry, I don’t mean to interrogate. I just want to understand why he has to stay in. He’s miserable here.”
Liam sighed, biting his lip as he sat forward. He was on his break but being on the on-call shift, he could get paged to a case at any time. “No, he won’t be in here for months. He can do outpatient rehab. The simple answer is that he’s here because his condition as it stands now, he can’t stand or walk. He has no mobility in his legs. Which means, he’s not just reliant on a wheelchair, but multiple mobility aids. We’ve been trying to figure out the living situation. Initially, Damien and I were going to give him the downstairs studio apartment where we live. He lives upstairs with the rest of the guys. But we measured doorways and the bathroom and it’s just not a viable option, even if we get mobility aids installed. He’s also going to need a lot of hands-on nursing and help. Zander wanted to do it, but he made a promise to Merlin to be there for Brandon in the wake of the transplant. Jess has offered but he would need someone there with him, even if he does the nursing, in case he has a seizure. Pax won’t just be well if he gets discharged sooner rather than later. It would be a lot of what you see here, just as home nursing.”
“That’s the only reason he’s still in here? Because you haven’t got anywhere he can stay? Let me help. He can come to Brandon’s. It’s a fucking mansion. Most of it’s on a single level. Bran wouldn’t care if there’s disability aids put in to help. I can be there to help Jesse. I can be there to take care of Paxton, if he’d let me. I’m not entirely sure. He’s embarrassed still but I want to help. It’s not fair that’s the only thing keeping him in his place is somewhere to stay.” Jaxson didn’t mean to get upset, but he was. He stopped himself taking it out on Liam, though. That wouldn’t be fair.
“Jax, that’s a huge undertaking. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s amazing that you want to help out like that but taking care of a disabled person is extremely challenging. It’s not that I think you couldn’t do it but you need to appreciate the enormity of it. He will need help with everything. Showering, toileting, dressing, meals, medication, getting to and from the hospital for rehab. At first, there’ll be more hard days than not.” Liam scratched his forehead slowly. “It’s something we can probably all talk about but you have to know the depth of what you’re offering. That’s all.”
Jaxson sighed but it was helplessness, not annoyance. “I know the enormity, okay? The me before I arrived in New York and discovered my best mate was riddled with life-threatening cancer probably wouldn’t. But I’ve had to learn a hell of a lot recently. I’ve been with Pax through all this, from the moment he got sick. Just because I’ve not dealt with anything like this before doesn’t mean I don’t understand the enormity of it. I’ll do whatever it takes to figure it out. I want to care for him, on every level. I know he doesn’t believe me yet. I know you don’t. But that’s okay, I get it. But let me prove it.”
Liam nodded slowly, holding Jaxson’s gaze. “I’m not going to fight you on this, mate. That’s not my intention here. Ultimately, it’s Pax’s decision but I don’t think he would be averted to it. Probably got a lot of issues with embarrassment and modesty to tackle, just because he’s a shy and introverted guy. It’s not easy for anyone to have diminished dignity, but other than me, Pax hasn’t had an intimate and committed relationship with anyone. Those are things you probably have to figure out together. It gets easier… being vulnerable with someone, trusting them to take care of you. I can say that with good authority because it’s something that took me a really long time with Damien, because of my demons. But once you get over those struggles, it’s a powerful thing. Love… being loved… being taken care of, and taking care of them. Because that’s what I think. I think you’re falling in love with him. I see the signs,” he added with a faint smile.
Jaxson took a deep breath, holding it for a few moments and letting it out in a rush. “That’s what this feeling is, is it? I couldn’t be sure. Only person I’ve ever loved didn’t love me back. If anyone’s a prized authority on that, it’s you. You and Damien are clearly meant to be forever. Has it been a struggle not being able to get married? I know you want to wait until Pax is more on the mend.”
“Yep, that’s what it is and it’s going to be an emotional rollercoaster. The good outweighs the bad, though. It’ll just be bumpy while you figure out what this all looks like for you both. Just be patient with him. He’s effectively had a brain injury from the infection. That will affect his emotions just as much as his physical functioning. Evan’s there for you to talk to about all of this. He understands. Jesse’s his brother-in-law, he’s still one of Jace’s primary carers.” Liam’s phone buzzed and he checked it wasn’t anything important. It was just a notification of some pathology he ordered for a patient the night before. “Damien’s waiting for Merlin too. We don’t want to get married without our family, we’re more than okay waiting until things settle. It’s the last thing on our minds with Brandon’s life in the balance. Have you heard the latest with him?”
Jaxson brow furrowed and he wet his lips. “The latest? Fuck, is the latest bad news? I know he’s up there in an insular bubble away from the rest of the world, which is how it needs to be, but I only get occasional updates from Merlin via Zander when he comes to visit Paxton.”
Liam gave Jaxson’s shoulder a reassuring pat. “That’s just because there’s been little updates to report. Brandon’s condition has been critical but stable. Then he regained consciousness and started breathing without respiratory support, which was an excellent sign. A patient hovering in the terminal dangerzone, we would expect to see organs beginning to give out, systems starting to fail. Being on mechanical ventilation, they would have expected complete respiratory failure to have been on the cards, closely followed by cardiac failure. He would’ve gone quickly. Very quickly. So, this is a good sign. He’s been conscious and responsive, communicating a little even. Hold hope, mate. When us doctors talk about patients being fighters, that’s what Brandon is right now. He’s not ready to go.”
Jaxson’s throat felt dry and his emotions made his gut flip-flop. He swallowed, closing his eyes briefly. “You think that’s a legit thing? That if a patient isn’t ready to go, it gives them more of a fighting chance? I just thought that was platitude bullshit trying to soften the blow that someone you loved was about to die.”
“I’ve seen it. Once a patient is told they’re terminal, they begin to accept the inevitable. That’s because nothing else can be done. But up until then, some patients give up the fight. They’re ready for it all to stop. Others, they find something unexplainable inside and tap into some all-guns-blazing fight. Call me an old fashioned romantic, but I think in Brandon’s case, it’s love. Having Merlin close. Not wanting to leave him. There’s a lot of shit in this world we can’t explain and I think this is one of them.” Liam shrugged, just as his pager trilled. He checked the screen for the message. “And on that note, I have to go and be a doctor on a consult in the ER. Talk to Evan about getting Pax out of here. Make sure you eat and rest so you don’t fold at the first hurdle. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.”
Jaxson watched Liam hurry off to whatever emergency he was being called to. Then he watched Paxton sleep for a few minutes, softly patting away the beads of sweat from Paxton’s forehead with the damp cloth the nurse gave him. After a little more thought, he took his phone out and sent Evan a text, asking if he could chat to him about Paxton but that there was no urgency. After that, he went and fetched the spare pillow from a chair across the room and brought it back to drop it on the side of Paxton’s bed. He pulled his chair forward and settled down with his head on the pillow, holding Paxton’s hand and tried to coax his brain to at least let him take a nap.
LOG, COMPLETE