Sasha Martin Stanford (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beautifulday) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-11-03 11:20 pm
beautifulday) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-11-03 11:20 pm
"Wherever you go, I will follow."
Who: Sasha Stanford and Justin Campbell
What: Alone Time
Where: Mount Sinai
When: After this
On his way home from school, Sasha headed to his parents place for a quick cuppa. His parents had fallen into the groove of knowing if Justin’s health was slipping or teetering, Sasha had his hands more full than normal. Regardless of that, he still always found time to spend with them and coming together as one with Justin’s family meant his parents had become really close friends with Mark and Gen, and Sam and Lisa. They did parent things together all the time, probably a lot of which revolved around adult worrying about them and debriefing over whatever lift was throwing at them. Soon, Sam and Lisa would be parents together too, with Codie only a few steps of the adoption process away from becoming their son. They were just waiting for the green light. Sasha knew Justin was excited about having a new cousin, he just didn’t expect it all to converge sooner than the process was complete.
After visiting his parents, he drove back to the City so he could head to the hospital to see Justin. School was a pain in the ass right now. In the grander scheme of things, Justin was doing well. But he was having shaky patches and the latest was a complete hysterical panic attack when he was delivered the wrong meal by mistake and Sasha wasn’t able to ascertain while it was happening what exactly was causing it. It looked like some sort of shrimp and grits dish with peach cobbler for dessert. He had never seen Justin near either. About the only seafood Justin touched was fish and chips, and even then, he only liked a couple of types of fish. He wasn’t a huge dessert eater either. He liked ice cream, and pretty much anything his grandmother baked. Eating out, it was usually vanilla or chocolate type dishes.
Sasha had never felt the need to analyse Justin’s picky eating before because it had never been a thing. Not until the freak out yesterday. Once the food was gone and Justin calmed down, he crashed out so Sasha laid down with him and ended up crashing too. Then he had school the next morning so he hadn’t had the chance to talk any of it through with Justin. He knew Justin had a therapy session scheduled that day but he got a text from Mark around mid-afternoon saying Justin walked out on the session and Gabe hadn’t been able to make leeway on the food thing.
Neither Justin nor Zeke were in their room when Sasha got there but the nurse gave him the head’s up of where they had gone. Now, he stuck his head around the corner of The Rainbow Room where Justin was playing a keyboard in his lap and singing with younger kids. Zeke was playing with bubbles across the room with a little girl wearing a pink Frozen bandana. But it was the boy sitting beside Justin that caught Sasha’s attention. He stayed back, smiling as he watched the interaction. The boy seemed enthralled by Justin’s singing and he was clapping along to the song. Sasha stepped further into the room when Justin came to the end of the song and smiled when Justin looked up and saw him. It was a relief to have the smile returned. After an episode like the day before, Justin could always have setbacks. When Justin put the keyboard aside and waved him over, Sasha headed over and crouched down to give him a kiss and a hug. “Hey, sweetie. Having fun?”
“Yeah,” Justin confirmed, smiling. He always loved seeing Sasha after the hard times. His smiles, his kisses, his cuddle, they therapy as much as the official treatment. “I want you to meet someone. This is my little mate, Codie. Codie, this is my fiance, Sasha. He and I are going to get married one day. Pretty cool, huh? Codie can’t talk but that’s okay. There’s other ways.” He was filling in some of the gaps for Sasha. Codie just happened to be there when he and Zeke headed down to The Rainbow Room when they were bored. He was there with a nurse and it was his first time there. He seemed terrified so Justin broke probably a couple of unspoken rules asking the staff to introduce him and then he sat with Codie and sung to him. It seemed to help him and Justin had no intentions of pushing anything or revealing that his uncle would very soon be his dad. It was too soon for that, but it was nice to meet him and he knew the poor kid had to be scared with what was happening to him. If Justin could help in some way, he wanted to try.
Sasha smiled and offered Codie his hand to shake. “Hey, buddy. Justin’s a pretty awesome singer, huh?” He was a beautiful kid. Dark hair, big blue eyes. You couldn’t even see scares or anything else visible to indicate he had been involved in such an horrific bus accident where all his family was killed and left him in a coma for eighteen months. Sasha deeply understood the impact of motor vehicle accidents on people's lives.
Codie just offered a wider smile at the question and put his hand on the keyboard. Before Sasha could attempt to communicate with him more, a nurse came over and said Codie needed to go back to his room to get his medication and rest. Sasha and Justin both waved goodbye to him and it was sweet when the boy paused at the doorway of The Rainbow Room to give them both a little wave of his fingers, the smile still linger on his face when he let the nurse take his hand to take him back to his room. “Did he know who you were?” Sasha asked Justin and stood again. He offered Justin his hands to help him up off the beanbag. “Want to get a cuppa and have a chat?”
“Okay, but if I fall over trying to get up out of this thing, you totally have to do something embarrassing so I can save face in front of my biggest fans here.” Justin struggled but at least he didn’t faceplant the floor. After his operation, he was lacking core strength and that would only get better with keeping up the physical therapy and then start reconditioning for performing. These last few days, he was finding he couldn’t wait to get back to it. He knew that was a good sign but he seemed to keep hitting roadblocks right now. Once he was up, albeit stiffly, he gave Sash another cuddle and a kiss, sharing a smile. “Does the ‘have a chat’ disclaimer after the cuppa have anything to do with the fact I reacted like a plate of food was going to murder me?” he asked once they excited The Rainbow Room and were out of earshot of any of the young kids.
Sasha tucked his arm around Justin’s waist and pulled him close, nuzzling his cheek. A little girl with pigtails walked past with her parents and gave Justin a big grin and a wave. Sasha grinned when Justin waved right back and blew her a kiss. The hospital was one of those places where he could be recognised but no one crossed the line with him. They respected that if he was here, in a place like a hospital, it was for a reason. “Um, more the soft-entry into that,” he admitted sheepishly. School had been a write-off. He had been so stressed about what it was that triggered Justin like that, until he remembered that sometimes, Justin was going to get triggered by things they didn’t know about because there was no way in hell they could know the full story and likely never would. They had to take it as it came. “I just want to touch on it. We don’t have to talk about it in any detail or why. I just need to know which thing it was so you don’t have to go through that again. I never realised your fussy eating could’ve been related to the trauma.”
Justin rested his tongue between his lips, taking a long deep breath to think about the best way to put this. “I’m, um… see, ketamine is great. And don’t get me wrong, I’m going to keep going. The benefits far outweigh the downside and I’m in a better headspace than I have been for awhile, but I’m realising that it’s not as much of a miracle drug as I thought it could be. It kind of, um… lowers my consciousness that the trauma isn’t really very far from the surface right now. Before, I had the whole not being able to remember a lot dissociation of it thing. Which was better than the alternative. Now it’s coming out in ways I don’t even understand myself. I literally always just thought I was a fussy eater. Or… particular, as Nana says. I think I need therapy to help me filter it, I guess is the right thing I’m trying to say. The stuff Ari does, helping me be able to still live through it all. I know I can’t get away from it. I can’t take away that it happened to me. And I want to get better on the ketamine. I feel balanced on it. So, I need to find ways to deal better when it hits me. It was the cobbler. It would… they… she would bake it. His wife. Especially for…” He stopped and moved over to the window, pressing both his hands to his mouth for a few moments, taking some deep breaths through his nose. It took a little time for him to regain his composure. “Even just thinking about it, I feel like I want to throw up, so just… yeah.” He shook his head.
Sasha stepped up beside Justin, rubbing his back and watching him in concern as he battled through, soldiered on, just like he always did. Before he said anything, he ducked over to the watercooler they just passed near the waiting room and filled one of the little paper cups for Justin, bringing it back for him. He didn’t need Justin to say the words or give him any blow-by-blow accounts. He knew enough of the story to be able to deduce what Justin was suggesting. Most of Justin’s recent massive disclosures had been directly to Sasha and he had come to learn how fractured and disjointed Justin’s explanations about his sexual abuse trauma were. He knew one of the biggest repeat offenders who paid to access Justin was the reverend of his grandparents’ church. It must be his wife that made the cobbler and the evil cunt force-fed it to Justin when he was grooming him, doing all those horrible things to him. Justin had a very physical response to his triggers. Memories, sensory triggers, the whole lot. He gave Justin a gentle kiss. “Let’s think about something nice. If you could be anywhere else but here, where would you be? What would you be doing?”
After the kiss, Justin sipped the water and then gave Sasha a small smile, closing his eyes and dropping his forehead against Sasha’s. “Somewhere alone with you. A big comfy bed, bathrobes, maybe a bath or a hot tub, nice music. We haven’t been alone in so long.” He opened his eyes, frowning. “We haven’t been alone together in ages. I mean, I love having people around us but I miss just you. Just us. Maybe that could help, you know? After I finish the ketamine, maybe we could go somewhere together for the weekend? Especially now I’m all healed from the op and got rid of that gut feeding tube thing. I wouldn’t even wank without that shitting me off.”
“When did you wank and I missed it?” Sasha asked with a laugh, pulling Justin into a hug. That was a perk he had discovered about being Ace, albeit grey. Just because he wasn’t always in the mood for sex, didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy the aesthetic view of Justin jerking off. He discovered he very much enjoyed it because Justin was gorgeous when he did it. Being only solely sexually attracted to Justin, he discovered a bit of a voyeur streak in him because he liked watched them have sex in a mirror too. “You have the week of ketamine infusions but there’s no reason we can’t have a few days to ourselves once you’re done if you’re feeling okay. We could check into a fancy hotel or go stay at the beach house. I know you love the beach. It’s been awhile since we went. You know… Zeke’s still in the Rainbow Room so your hospital room upstairs is empty. We could have a little time alone together. May as well take advantage of the privacy…”
Justin didn’t move from the window right away. He was standing there smiling at Sasha like he was the most amazing thing he had ever seen in the world. Which he really was. “I love how you just… do that, you know. You connect all the limited dots and pick up on the fact I need to just leave it and move onto something better. Sometimes, it feels like too much. The talking about the bad stuff. I know I have to do it to find ways I can survive it but some days it feels like I’m constantly stuck in, like, mental school, where I have to keep learning all these lessons of how to cope. I need a break from that sometimes. I have days where I just don’t wanna do the learning and I feel guilty about that. I feel like I need to always have the learning mode switched on to protect the people I love from… well, me. Like, if I slip on that, I’m letting them down because I’m not doing everything I can to fix me. It gets exhausting. Some days, I just want to be me. You see that. You see that every time I need to see that.”
“You’re you to me every day, baby. We’re in love. You shouldn’t have to tell me what you need. Honestly, I don’t always know what you need, but I can usually understand what you don’t.” Sasha took Justin’s hands and tugged him away from the window. Then he kissed him again. Slowly, exploring his beautiful lips and basking in the glorious way Justin used his tongue. He could have happily stayed there all day kissing him and if they were anywhere else but a hospital corridor, they probably would have. This was that part of every of Justin’s recovery processes where they reconnected on a physically emotional level. They needed time alone together and they needed to be intimate. This was one of those times Sasha’s grey-asexuality muted somewhat. He knew many couldn’t understand the idea of only ever being attracted to one person, literally. But for Sasha, it was the best thing in the world. “Let’s go upstairs.”
Justin nodded, still feeling a little heady after the kiss. He stepped up behind Sasha who was taking the lead and squeezed his butt. “I love these jeans. They’re my favourite.” He brushed his lips across the nape of Sasha’s neck and when they got into the elevator cubicle, they were lucky to not have to share it with anyone. He stood up close to Sasha, nestled between his legs when Sash leaned against wall. Both hands went to Sasha’s bum this time and they shared another soft kiss. “I want to go on tour.”
“You… what?” Then there were these moments where Justin could throw the biggest unexpected curveballs that were a bolt out of the blue but so Justin. But Justin when he was recovery, getting better. As stunned as Sasha was at the reveal, it came couched in a nest of relief. One of the best clues that Justin was healing was when he started to feel ready to go back to work, even if he couldn’t go right back to the show. “Um, like a press tour…?” He was pretty sure he knew the answer to that but it still worth a shot in the dark.
Justin smiled when the elevator dinged and took Sasha’s hand to exit on the Eleven West floor. “I promise, this is not just be having a random losing my mind moment. Which, granted, does happen but there’s usually me being manic or psychotic involved and I’m neither. Okay, here’s the thing. Caden pitched this to me awhile back. With the success of when we took Footloose to Sydney for the brief pop-up run, his investors proposed he do a tour, taking it to different major cities. Around the same time, I was offered a record deal with an attached tour. The Footloose tour was shelved after Bondi. See, the thing no one really knows about my contract with Caden’s company is they took full liability for the stuff that happened with Paul, when he was harassing me. They have also agreed from day one to do whatever they need to support my employment with my disability. Like, I’m seriously the luckiest dude on the face of the planet when it comes to that stuff. But I guess the show as it stands makes a lot of cash. They’re all great folk. They understood that, at the time, it would’ve been too traumatic for me. It was never an idea that was shelved, though. It was always a possibility. And I think I’m feeling this… pull… something inside that’s telling me the key to conquering all this shit that’s coming back to me is music. Performing. Just… giving it my all. I think I want to accept the recording contract. Maybe it can all converge as a joint project and I can get Presley to bring SoV on board, as a celebration of other young people like me, using their passions to overcome their disabilities. I can’t shake this urge. But I just… I… couldn’t go away without you.”
Sasha stopped walking and held up his hand. “I just… had this vision of you in leather pants and guyliner on stage and I think my dick thinks it’s gone to heaven.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and had to adjust his jeans just a little, glancing around to make sure no one was about to walk past and catch him mid-instaboner. “Totally ruining my Ace mojo here,” he added with a sheepish laugh.
Justin’s eyes dipped and he grinned. “Did I mention these jeans were my favourite?” He grabbed Sasha’s hand so they could hurry back to his hospital room. The door was closed and the curtains whipped around his bed. “Sit down,” he coaxed, nudging Sasha to sit on the side of the bed. He pulled up a chair so he was seated in front of Sasha and started to unbutton Sasha’s fly, looking up at him, tongue tracing over his lips. “Just for the record, this isn’t to convince you of anything. This is simply my job as your fiance. Any big decisions, no matter what they are, we don’t do it unless we’re both okay with it.”
“Oh my god, what if we get caught?” Sasha gasped, already a little breathless with the anticipation. Justin seated between his legs, looking up at him like that with the tip of his tongue doing that thing across his lips. He sucked in another sharp breath with a squeak when Justin slipped his hand inside once he had the buttons undone. “I think I might be falling in love with ketamine. Baby, you’re… looking and sounding better than you have in ages.”
“Ah-huh,” Justin agreed, smiling up at him, drawing his thumb slowly up the hard length and enjoying the firm warmth of it against his fingers. “We’ll hear the door open and they have to give warning before they pull the curtain back. Relax…” He pulled Sasha’s jeans down over his hips to give him a bit more access. Before he took it too far, he reached up to cup his hand behind Sasha’s neck and pulled him down into a kiss. He slipped his other hand beneath his shirt, caressing the smooth warm skin to just feel Sasha close. That intimate and tender contact was more therapeutic to him than most other things. It was never about sex with them. Their relationship was a sexual abuse survivor and an Asexual, both who craved nearness, intimacy, closeness. Sometimes, there was sex. But it wasn’t a vital necessity. It wasn’t a deciding factor in anything about their relationship. And when they did it, they did it their way.
Sasha’s anxiety or hang-ups about possibly being caught or thinking about pretty much anything beyond Justin melted away. The kiss was intoxicating but he didn’t have any objections when Justin broke it to go down on him. “Hang on.. I wanna do you too…” he breathed, biting his lip when he was hit with a rush of sensations flooding through him. It had been awhile since they did this. Justin being sick meant this stuff was put on hold. There was a little something-something here and there in Vermont, but it had been slow and more like cuddling with extras than anything else. His mind jumped back to the first time Justin had ever given him a blow job. Sasha had been so nervous and uncertain about the whole thing. He couldn’t fathom a sense of pleasure coming just from having someone put their mouth on his dick, until he realised it would be Justin’s mouth and that was a whole other story. His squeezed a fistful of sheets, trying to anchor himself to not thrusting sharply against Justin’s face or coming in about twenty seconds flat.
Justin paused to look up at Sasha, kissing the tip of his dick. “What, you don’t want to watch?” he murmured, slipping a hand into the waistband of his sweatpants, pushing them down enough to expose himself for Sasha to see. He picked up where he left off with his mouth and started to simultaneously stroke himself, knowing Sasha liked to watch. Sometimes, it’s all Sasha wanted and it gave Justin a thrill to turn him on in that one. One thing he truly cherished in his relationship with Sasha was finding their own way, seeing what they liked or didn’t like so much, trying different ways of making love. Before meeting Sasha, he knew little about Asexuality. He had learned along the way and he found the way Sasha’s mind worked to be a beautiful thing.
“Oh, fuck yes,” Sasha moaned, wetting his lips. Watching Justin suck him off and stroking himself was information overload. The fact he hadn’t had an orgasm in a few weeks wasn’t in his favour. He was already making some interesting noises battling his self-control and he desperately hoped Zeke - or anyone else - decided walk into the room before he was done or it might just kill him. Hell, there wasn’t a day that went by that Sasha wasn’t so incredibly mindblown that he got to fall in love with someone as beautiful as Justin, and who fell in love with him right back. Inside, of course. That went without saying. But aesthetically, well, Justin didn’t have millions of people in his fanbase for nothing. He was gorgeous. He had the most intense blue eyes and his hair was the perfect shade of blonde. Without his makeup, he had adorable faint gold freckles across his nose and cheeks, which he hated but Sasha adored. The makeup was another thing that drove Sasha wild. The stage makeup was one thing, but Justin wore it socially as well. He loved guyliner, eyeshadow, lipgloss. He loved glam makeup and Lewis had a field day with him for events or special performances because Justin wasn’t scared to tap into that glamorous side of him. In fact, it was exactly who he was and probably why he suffered so much mentally when he had to stifle his sexuality and identity back in Chicago to survive bullying. So, needless to say, when Justin looked up at him while he was going down on him and also stroking himself off, Sasha was going to struggle to hold on for very long. “S-Shit, baby, I’m not gonna last,” he warned through a heavy exhalation, fingers sliding through Justin’s hair.
Justin could feel that Sasha was tipping towards the edge. He was trying his best not to move and wriggle around and the noises he was making always drove Justin wild. He squeezed Sasha’s thigh with his free hand, urging him to not try to hold off. Justin didn’t miss a beat with his mouth exploring the familiar length of Sasha’s dick and he kept watching his face, drinking in the way his pleasure was written all over it. He moved his hand on from Sasha’s thigh, delving his fingers between his legs to caress his balls with a tender squeeze. He knew the exact moment Sasha hit the point of no return. He stopped stroking himself to wait it out so he didn’t immediately come as soon as Sasha did. It wasn’t easy holding back with the keening sound Sasha made before he came. As soon as Sasha finishing riding out that wave, Justin dropped back in the chair, licking his lips and starting to stroke himself with more urgency now. He grabbed Sasha’s hand and pulled it to him, lacing their fingers together around his dick with those last few strokes. He met Sasha’s gaze again, holding it when his own orgasm hit until he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer.
Before Justin was done, Sasha leaned over and capture Justin’s lips in a heated kiss. He could taste himself on Justin’s tongue and even if he had never been able to decide if he liked that or not, he knew he didn’t hate it. It was just more a fact he liked the taste of Justin more. Now that he was used to it. When he was still learning how to give oral, he kept gagging because it hit so quickly no matter how much he tried to prepare himself to anticipate what was coming. It was still a unique sensation and cum was an unusual texture. The more he did it, the more he got used to it and now saw the appeal of swallowing. The memory jumped back in his mind and a laugh escaped him. “I just remembered the first time I watched you swallow,” he said breathlessly. He squeezed Justin’s fingers. “Let’s lie down.”
Justin laughed too, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. His legs felt a little like jelly in the warm fuzzy wake of an orgasm, but he got up with Sasha’s help, pulling his sweat pants back up and kicking his purple Cons off and nudging them under the bed with his toes. “When you lost the ability to form coherent sentences? I remember too. I don’t think you ever quite got to the point of contemplating the fact that if you come in someone’s mouth, there’s going to cum and it’s got to go somewhere. I think I might get my PJ pants on. Do you want to put these on? They’ll be more comfortable to lie in than jeans. They’ll be here to start my next infusion soon.”
Sasha went to the dresser and got Justin’s PJs out for him. “I think I lost the ability to word at all. I don’t think my brain even remembered what words were. I didn’t, though. I mean, I knew what blowjobs were and that sex was messy, but my brain didn’t connect those dots. Come here.” He put the PJs on the bed and pulled Justin close for a cuddle. He kissed his nose and then his lips. “Mmm, I love you. I love how you make me feel. Let’s get you settled, though. Those infusions wipe you out. I’m seriously, like, buzzing from the waist down,” he laughed, not bothering to do his jeans up again. He shrugged out of his hoodie and slung it over the back of the chair.
Justin had been commando all day because he was a bit slow off the mark when he woke up that morning. He hadn’t been able to face his breakfast because the ketamine was upsetting his stomach on and off. Instead, he went back to sleep and didn’t wake up until after lunch, which is when he and Zeke decided to head down to The Rainbow Room for their afternoon session. Zeke took to it like a duck to water and Justin knew it would help him with the battles he had been having not knowing if he had fight left in him to keep going. He knew how that felt. He opened up to Zeke a little about it the night before in the middle of the night. They both had trouble sleeping. Zeke had some pain and Justin was restless because his skin was all itchy and flushed, a side effect of the ketamine. Sasha was used to him naked so he wasn’t bothered about taking his sweat pants off and handing them over to Sasha so he could change into his PJs. “I can’t wait to get out of here now so we can have a bit of time alone together. Lie naked with you in a big comfy bed and forget everything else in the world exists.” He pulled his tank top over his head and got into bed where Sasha was holding the blankets back for him. “It’s been full-on. Like, in the worst possible way.”
“It has, but we’re getting through it.” Sasha waited until Justin was settled and comfortable and then slipped in beside him, pulling the covers up over them both. He cuddled Justin close and slipped his leg in between Justin’s. Hospital beds left a lot to be desired in comfort and size but they had been making it work since the start. Gave them an excuse to cuddle as close as they could. He smiled when he saw Justin’s eyes had a bit of that spark back in them and he had a healthy flush in his cheeks. Beneath the blankets, he started to rub Justin’s back. “I could get a tutor and come with you on tour, you know. I’ve had times over my life where I’ve been homeschooled because of the anxiety. I mean, speaking of anxiety, I’m kind of freaking out a whole lot that you’ll be okay to tour and all that being in love stuff. But if it’s what you want to do and you think it’s going to help you heal from some of this, hell yeah do I want to go on the ride with you. Anyway, I was kind of thinking of taking a gap year before college. Life’s just been so overwhelming and full, even before we met, I think I just want time to chill for awhile. Especially with you now. I think we’re amazing together.”
There was a knock at the door before it opened a few moments later. “Hello? It’s just the nurse with your infusion, Mr Campbell. Are you decent in there?”
Justin smirked at Sasha, stifling a laugh. “It’s fine. You can come through.” He watched when she pulled the curtain back and wheeled the IV machine up to his bed. Her names was Roberta or Nurse Hereford. She was probably somewhere in her fifties and had come to be Justin’s favourite nurse on this ward. She always called him Mr Campbell and told him that her husband had bought them front row tickets to Footloose for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and told him her husband’s name was Mark. She was on shift when he was admitted and her friendly chatter had helped keep him calm through the process.
“Two for the price of one,” Nurse Hereford greeted them with a kind smile. “Did you want me to get you a menu to order a meal for dinner, Mr Stanford? Let’s check those obs before we get started. You’re looking a little flushed, young man. Are you feeling okay? Any yucky side effects in the last little while? It says you’ve missed breakfast and lunch because a bit of nausea.”
Justin bit his lip sheepishly and shook his head. “I’m okay. Just, you know, making out a little. Have you seen my man? He makes me hot. But my skin is still doing that weird warm thing and I’m not really hungry much. I’m eating, like, fruit and jello and stuff. Other than that, I’m okay. I fainted when I went to the bathroom last night. That sucked balls. They don’t want me getting up out of bed after the infusions now. I have to wait until morning.”
Sasha frowned a little hearing that but he didn’t bring it up to Justin in front of the nurse. Sometimes, there was just so much going on with Justin’s treatment that info took time to filter to him or to Justin’s folks. Justin didn’t always remember to give them a running commentary or feel like relaying everything. Mark generally conversed daily with Justin’s doctors to get updates on where he was at. Sasha more just went to Justin to give him cuddles and kisses, chat about their days, ask how he was feeling. The medical stuff was in the hands of the staff and he knew he would hear about anything urgent or important. “Dinner would be great, thanks, Nurse Hereford. Jus usually crashes out when he’s getting the infusion but I like to hang around to see how he is after it’s all run through.”
The nurse checked Justin’s blood pressure and his pulse, then hung her stethoscope around her neck. “Let me just grab that for you and you can have a little peruse while we get the infusion started.”
Justin flicked through the channels on the TV while the nurse sorted the infusion and connected him up to the next dose. They learned from the first day he didn’t deal well with running the dose through quickly. It made him sick, dizzy, cranky, teary, which agitated him and ended up being counter-productive. The doctor changed the dose to slow release, which infused over around four hours and other than making him sleepy, he coped much better in general. Soon, they were alone again and Justin settled back on his side facing Sasha. “You don’t have to stress. I was sitting on the toilet when it happened and I didn’t hurt myself or anything. Dizziness and fainting is just side effect. You know how I am with that shit.”
“I can’t help it, I’m a stress head.” Sasha kissed Justin’s forehead and cuddled up to him, making sure his arm was safe outside the blankets and the IV line wasn’t getting tangled anywhere. “Damn side effects. You can’t even go for a midnight poo without them screwing with you. I’m glad you didn’t crack your head open or anything. But that’s why they need you in here while they’re hitting you with the intensive treatments, so they can make sure you’re safe and well while you’re adjusting. So, tell me… is my baby really going to be a recording artist? Do I get to brag how amazing and talented he is?”
“Even all unfabulous fainting on the toilet for a midnight poo?” Justin laughed and took a deep breath, letting it out in a rush. “I think so. I feel like at the least I need to seriously consider it all. Talk to Caden, talk to my Management. I wanted to talk about it with you first. Because I don’t want to do it if you can’t come along on the ride with me. I also don’t want to just take it run if you wouldn’t be comfortable or you don’t want to think about. You love school and you love study. You have massive ambitions and you’re going to be the best psychiatrist one day, I just know it. I haven’t made any decisions. It’s just where I’m getting a pull. I didn’t think I’d get better enough to feel this sort of urge again.”
Sasha brushed his hand over Justin’s hair and shook his head. “I’m glad you want to talk it through with me, put the cards on the table and all that. I came into this knowing who you are and what you do. I came in knowing your MO from day one has been to have your fingers in many pies and I know every time you get sick and have a setback, it really upsets you and makes you feel like you’re going to lose all that stuff that means everything to you. Which is understandable, it’s a big part of your identity. It’s naturally in you. All that is how I know that unless you were really ready to consider this, you wouldn’t be talking about it. If anything, you would be averted to it and upset because you thought you should do it but couldn’t. And honestly, I love being part of that side of your life. I love working with you. But a gap year could also mean I’d have time to focus on Dad’s book. I could see you in your element and get to keep my thoroughly important position as your Number One Biggest Fan. Have you ever thought about writing a book? If you do this tour thing, travel around with it, explore your place as championing being a young person with a mental disability and still taking on the world. It’s been something that’s really helped me.”
Justin smirked with a bit of a laugh. “What, like Bipolar and Broadway? Confessions of an accidental Broadway star?” He thought on it for a few moment and shrugged. “My thoughts are such a mess a lot of the time. I don’t think I could rationalise it into something other people could understand. I mean, you cut away the whole mental illness thing, I’m a pretty boring guy deep down. All the performing stuff, it’s just a mask. I like that I can hide behind it, I guess. Maybe one day. After seeing you stress over your dad’s, though, I can’t say I’m eager. You look like you want to take up drinking, bang your head against a wall, or sit in a corner and bawl some days. Would you really want to come on tour with me? I just wanted to… I don’t know… start thinking about it. It’s far from a foregone conclusion. I just know that I seem to get stuck in this mind cycling when I’m not working. When I work, it might come and go but mostly I’m good enough to perform.”
“That’s a perfect title, you know,” Sasha laughed, still rubbing Justin’s back. It was something he found soothed them both. There was just something special to him in loving someone that much that you knew the value of the simple smaller gestures. For him, that’s what it was all about, especially when travelling bumpy roads with was part and parcel of caring for someone with an illness. “You were made to perform, baby. It’s what makes you tick. It’s not surprising that it’s medicine for you too. It just happens to be medicine that takes a lot of energy you don’t always have because your brain is syphoning so much of it. But I’m so totally not going to agree you’re boring. You’re just incredible in ways you can’t see. That’s my job. It’s not really the writing of the book that gets me, it’s the emotions of what I’m writing about and worrying I’m doing it justice for him. I doubt myself so much. I get anxiety that I suck. And yes, I would want to come on tour with you. Of course I would! You’re my man, I’m not missing that. I’m going to be right there every fucking moment, probably with my phone in your face taking selfies because I love all our amazing memories. I’m seriously. You’re going to get all pissy that I’m being basic.”
Justin closed his eyes with the back rubs. “Hmm, that feels so nice. You’re going to put me to sleep.” He curled in a little closer, head resting in against Sasha’s shoulder. “Are you scared about having people read it when it’s finished? The parts I’ve read are amazing. I don’t think you realise how much your voice is coming through in how you’re writing it. It’s so raw and personal and it’s showing the sides of your dad people don’t know are there. That’s always the bad thing about having a disability. Sometimes, people can’t see beyond it, you know? I know I’m just ‘That kid on Broadway with bipolar’ to a lot of people. Or ‘That gay kid who’s mentally ill’. It took me so long to accept that and not let it hurt me when I first came out and wanted to be honest that I was mentally ill. Honestly, I just wanted people to know in case I some day lost my total shit on stage randomly. This was before I even understood what bipolar was and thought it meant I was psycho. I had to learn just as much as anyone else. That bit people forget. Once upon a time, a sick or injured person didn’t know anything about what they’re dealing with either. Maybe that’s a good excuse to write a book. I know it’s why you doing it for your dad is so beautiful. I’m so fucking proud of you. I’d never think you were basic, especially not for being there to make memories with me. As you know, I’ve got enough bad ones I want to replace with good. I want to keep making good memories with you forever.”
“Sleep if you need to, beautiful. I’m not going anywhere.” Sasha kissed the top of Justin’s head and tucked the covers more snugly around him. Justin crashed out during all the infusions so far so it would be no different that night. That’s why Sasha had come, so he was here with Justin while the infusion ran through. There was also the fact that on this particular (much more expensive and private) ward, visitation was allowed 24/7 so all but one night he had stayed and then gotten up early to go home to shower and shave before picking Jett, Brody and Cas up to take them to school, their squad ritual that had been going on for awhile now. “You’re right. That’s why I needed to do it, even if, yeah, I’m utterly terrified about anyone reading it. Dad got a lot of fame and, well, infamy, I guess, after his accident. People that had never been fans before were suddenly fans and everyone was wanting a running commentary on his progress for months. Those who weren’t were just waiting for a death announcement. I was too young to know any of this. Then on top of Mom having to deal with people trying to stick their noses into our private lives, I had that weird breakdown I don’t really remember where I stopped talking and starting having these panic attacks and meltdowns. The migraines started a few years later, around the time Dad got really depressed and I now know he was suicidal. Even though I’m writing his story, a lot of stuff around that time is from Mom. Dad still doesn’t know I’m doing the book. I don’t spend a whole lot of time writing about that part. I just touch on it. I really wanted it to be focused on my childhood, my family’s memories of his early racing days, and how it was once I was old enough to understand he was quadriplegic and wouldn’t get better. Because honestly, people think he was a hero before that, but for me, he was the biggest hero after it. He still is. And I think when I met you, I saw a lot of the same challenges you were dealing with that he did. I know that’s why Mom and Dad understand so much that I need to be with you when you’re not well. They get it. But if you get hurt or sick, you don’t just know how to deal with it. It’s fucking hard. Some days, it’s too hard. That’s why the good days are so special.”
“I love you. This is nice...” Justin murmured and smiled listening to Sasha talk about his life. He remembered that first day they met, how easy it was to sit and listen to Sasha about his life. After everything he survived at Bondi and those horrific few months of his life, Sasha was this ray of hope he could reach out to. He didn’t believe in love at first sight, of course, but looking back, he could see there was no way he wouldn’t have soon fallen for him. It hadn’t taken long. Sasha was so honest and open with him. He cared, he wasn’t closed off, and even in those early days where they barely knew each other, he wanted to help. The day they met, Sasha talked a lot about Andi, but had also touched on how it was having a disabled dad. Justin could never really put it in words, but Sasha had felt so right for him. Right and safe. His judgement hadn’t been wrong at all.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Alone Time
Where: Mount Sinai
When: After this
On his way home from school, Sasha headed to his parents place for a quick cuppa. His parents had fallen into the groove of knowing if Justin’s health was slipping or teetering, Sasha had his hands more full than normal. Regardless of that, he still always found time to spend with them and coming together as one with Justin’s family meant his parents had become really close friends with Mark and Gen, and Sam and Lisa. They did parent things together all the time, probably a lot of which revolved around adult worrying about them and debriefing over whatever lift was throwing at them. Soon, Sam and Lisa would be parents together too, with Codie only a few steps of the adoption process away from becoming their son. They were just waiting for the green light. Sasha knew Justin was excited about having a new cousin, he just didn’t expect it all to converge sooner than the process was complete.
After visiting his parents, he drove back to the City so he could head to the hospital to see Justin. School was a pain in the ass right now. In the grander scheme of things, Justin was doing well. But he was having shaky patches and the latest was a complete hysterical panic attack when he was delivered the wrong meal by mistake and Sasha wasn’t able to ascertain while it was happening what exactly was causing it. It looked like some sort of shrimp and grits dish with peach cobbler for dessert. He had never seen Justin near either. About the only seafood Justin touched was fish and chips, and even then, he only liked a couple of types of fish. He wasn’t a huge dessert eater either. He liked ice cream, and pretty much anything his grandmother baked. Eating out, it was usually vanilla or chocolate type dishes.
Sasha had never felt the need to analyse Justin’s picky eating before because it had never been a thing. Not until the freak out yesterday. Once the food was gone and Justin calmed down, he crashed out so Sasha laid down with him and ended up crashing too. Then he had school the next morning so he hadn’t had the chance to talk any of it through with Justin. He knew Justin had a therapy session scheduled that day but he got a text from Mark around mid-afternoon saying Justin walked out on the session and Gabe hadn’t been able to make leeway on the food thing.
Neither Justin nor Zeke were in their room when Sasha got there but the nurse gave him the head’s up of where they had gone. Now, he stuck his head around the corner of The Rainbow Room where Justin was playing a keyboard in his lap and singing with younger kids. Zeke was playing with bubbles across the room with a little girl wearing a pink Frozen bandana. But it was the boy sitting beside Justin that caught Sasha’s attention. He stayed back, smiling as he watched the interaction. The boy seemed enthralled by Justin’s singing and he was clapping along to the song. Sasha stepped further into the room when Justin came to the end of the song and smiled when Justin looked up and saw him. It was a relief to have the smile returned. After an episode like the day before, Justin could always have setbacks. When Justin put the keyboard aside and waved him over, Sasha headed over and crouched down to give him a kiss and a hug. “Hey, sweetie. Having fun?”
“Yeah,” Justin confirmed, smiling. He always loved seeing Sasha after the hard times. His smiles, his kisses, his cuddle, they therapy as much as the official treatment. “I want you to meet someone. This is my little mate, Codie. Codie, this is my fiance, Sasha. He and I are going to get married one day. Pretty cool, huh? Codie can’t talk but that’s okay. There’s other ways.” He was filling in some of the gaps for Sasha. Codie just happened to be there when he and Zeke headed down to The Rainbow Room when they were bored. He was there with a nurse and it was his first time there. He seemed terrified so Justin broke probably a couple of unspoken rules asking the staff to introduce him and then he sat with Codie and sung to him. It seemed to help him and Justin had no intentions of pushing anything or revealing that his uncle would very soon be his dad. It was too soon for that, but it was nice to meet him and he knew the poor kid had to be scared with what was happening to him. If Justin could help in some way, he wanted to try.
Sasha smiled and offered Codie his hand to shake. “Hey, buddy. Justin’s a pretty awesome singer, huh?” He was a beautiful kid. Dark hair, big blue eyes. You couldn’t even see scares or anything else visible to indicate he had been involved in such an horrific bus accident where all his family was killed and left him in a coma for eighteen months. Sasha deeply understood the impact of motor vehicle accidents on people's lives.
Codie just offered a wider smile at the question and put his hand on the keyboard. Before Sasha could attempt to communicate with him more, a nurse came over and said Codie needed to go back to his room to get his medication and rest. Sasha and Justin both waved goodbye to him and it was sweet when the boy paused at the doorway of The Rainbow Room to give them both a little wave of his fingers, the smile still linger on his face when he let the nurse take his hand to take him back to his room. “Did he know who you were?” Sasha asked Justin and stood again. He offered Justin his hands to help him up off the beanbag. “Want to get a cuppa and have a chat?”
“Okay, but if I fall over trying to get up out of this thing, you totally have to do something embarrassing so I can save face in front of my biggest fans here.” Justin struggled but at least he didn’t faceplant the floor. After his operation, he was lacking core strength and that would only get better with keeping up the physical therapy and then start reconditioning for performing. These last few days, he was finding he couldn’t wait to get back to it. He knew that was a good sign but he seemed to keep hitting roadblocks right now. Once he was up, albeit stiffly, he gave Sash another cuddle and a kiss, sharing a smile. “Does the ‘have a chat’ disclaimer after the cuppa have anything to do with the fact I reacted like a plate of food was going to murder me?” he asked once they excited The Rainbow Room and were out of earshot of any of the young kids.
Sasha tucked his arm around Justin’s waist and pulled him close, nuzzling his cheek. A little girl with pigtails walked past with her parents and gave Justin a big grin and a wave. Sasha grinned when Justin waved right back and blew her a kiss. The hospital was one of those places where he could be recognised but no one crossed the line with him. They respected that if he was here, in a place like a hospital, it was for a reason. “Um, more the soft-entry into that,” he admitted sheepishly. School had been a write-off. He had been so stressed about what it was that triggered Justin like that, until he remembered that sometimes, Justin was going to get triggered by things they didn’t know about because there was no way in hell they could know the full story and likely never would. They had to take it as it came. “I just want to touch on it. We don’t have to talk about it in any detail or why. I just need to know which thing it was so you don’t have to go through that again. I never realised your fussy eating could’ve been related to the trauma.”
Justin rested his tongue between his lips, taking a long deep breath to think about the best way to put this. “I’m, um… see, ketamine is great. And don’t get me wrong, I’m going to keep going. The benefits far outweigh the downside and I’m in a better headspace than I have been for awhile, but I’m realising that it’s not as much of a miracle drug as I thought it could be. It kind of, um… lowers my consciousness that the trauma isn’t really very far from the surface right now. Before, I had the whole not being able to remember a lot dissociation of it thing. Which was better than the alternative. Now it’s coming out in ways I don’t even understand myself. I literally always just thought I was a fussy eater. Or… particular, as Nana says. I think I need therapy to help me filter it, I guess is the right thing I’m trying to say. The stuff Ari does, helping me be able to still live through it all. I know I can’t get away from it. I can’t take away that it happened to me. And I want to get better on the ketamine. I feel balanced on it. So, I need to find ways to deal better when it hits me. It was the cobbler. It would… they… she would bake it. His wife. Especially for…” He stopped and moved over to the window, pressing both his hands to his mouth for a few moments, taking some deep breaths through his nose. It took a little time for him to regain his composure. “Even just thinking about it, I feel like I want to throw up, so just… yeah.” He shook his head.
Sasha stepped up beside Justin, rubbing his back and watching him in concern as he battled through, soldiered on, just like he always did. Before he said anything, he ducked over to the watercooler they just passed near the waiting room and filled one of the little paper cups for Justin, bringing it back for him. He didn’t need Justin to say the words or give him any blow-by-blow accounts. He knew enough of the story to be able to deduce what Justin was suggesting. Most of Justin’s recent massive disclosures had been directly to Sasha and he had come to learn how fractured and disjointed Justin’s explanations about his sexual abuse trauma were. He knew one of the biggest repeat offenders who paid to access Justin was the reverend of his grandparents’ church. It must be his wife that made the cobbler and the evil cunt force-fed it to Justin when he was grooming him, doing all those horrible things to him. Justin had a very physical response to his triggers. Memories, sensory triggers, the whole lot. He gave Justin a gentle kiss. “Let’s think about something nice. If you could be anywhere else but here, where would you be? What would you be doing?”
After the kiss, Justin sipped the water and then gave Sasha a small smile, closing his eyes and dropping his forehead against Sasha’s. “Somewhere alone with you. A big comfy bed, bathrobes, maybe a bath or a hot tub, nice music. We haven’t been alone in so long.” He opened his eyes, frowning. “We haven’t been alone together in ages. I mean, I love having people around us but I miss just you. Just us. Maybe that could help, you know? After I finish the ketamine, maybe we could go somewhere together for the weekend? Especially now I’m all healed from the op and got rid of that gut feeding tube thing. I wouldn’t even wank without that shitting me off.”
“When did you wank and I missed it?” Sasha asked with a laugh, pulling Justin into a hug. That was a perk he had discovered about being Ace, albeit grey. Just because he wasn’t always in the mood for sex, didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy the aesthetic view of Justin jerking off. He discovered he very much enjoyed it because Justin was gorgeous when he did it. Being only solely sexually attracted to Justin, he discovered a bit of a voyeur streak in him because he liked watched them have sex in a mirror too. “You have the week of ketamine infusions but there’s no reason we can’t have a few days to ourselves once you’re done if you’re feeling okay. We could check into a fancy hotel or go stay at the beach house. I know you love the beach. It’s been awhile since we went. You know… Zeke’s still in the Rainbow Room so your hospital room upstairs is empty. We could have a little time alone together. May as well take advantage of the privacy…”
Justin didn’t move from the window right away. He was standing there smiling at Sasha like he was the most amazing thing he had ever seen in the world. Which he really was. “I love how you just… do that, you know. You connect all the limited dots and pick up on the fact I need to just leave it and move onto something better. Sometimes, it feels like too much. The talking about the bad stuff. I know I have to do it to find ways I can survive it but some days it feels like I’m constantly stuck in, like, mental school, where I have to keep learning all these lessons of how to cope. I need a break from that sometimes. I have days where I just don’t wanna do the learning and I feel guilty about that. I feel like I need to always have the learning mode switched on to protect the people I love from… well, me. Like, if I slip on that, I’m letting them down because I’m not doing everything I can to fix me. It gets exhausting. Some days, I just want to be me. You see that. You see that every time I need to see that.”
“You’re you to me every day, baby. We’re in love. You shouldn’t have to tell me what you need. Honestly, I don’t always know what you need, but I can usually understand what you don’t.” Sasha took Justin’s hands and tugged him away from the window. Then he kissed him again. Slowly, exploring his beautiful lips and basking in the glorious way Justin used his tongue. He could have happily stayed there all day kissing him and if they were anywhere else but a hospital corridor, they probably would have. This was that part of every of Justin’s recovery processes where they reconnected on a physically emotional level. They needed time alone together and they needed to be intimate. This was one of those times Sasha’s grey-asexuality muted somewhat. He knew many couldn’t understand the idea of only ever being attracted to one person, literally. But for Sasha, it was the best thing in the world. “Let’s go upstairs.”
Justin nodded, still feeling a little heady after the kiss. He stepped up behind Sasha who was taking the lead and squeezed his butt. “I love these jeans. They’re my favourite.” He brushed his lips across the nape of Sasha’s neck and when they got into the elevator cubicle, they were lucky to not have to share it with anyone. He stood up close to Sasha, nestled between his legs when Sash leaned against wall. Both hands went to Sasha’s bum this time and they shared another soft kiss. “I want to go on tour.”
“You… what?” Then there were these moments where Justin could throw the biggest unexpected curveballs that were a bolt out of the blue but so Justin. But Justin when he was recovery, getting better. As stunned as Sasha was at the reveal, it came couched in a nest of relief. One of the best clues that Justin was healing was when he started to feel ready to go back to work, even if he couldn’t go right back to the show. “Um, like a press tour…?” He was pretty sure he knew the answer to that but it still worth a shot in the dark.
Justin smiled when the elevator dinged and took Sasha’s hand to exit on the Eleven West floor. “I promise, this is not just be having a random losing my mind moment. Which, granted, does happen but there’s usually me being manic or psychotic involved and I’m neither. Okay, here’s the thing. Caden pitched this to me awhile back. With the success of when we took Footloose to Sydney for the brief pop-up run, his investors proposed he do a tour, taking it to different major cities. Around the same time, I was offered a record deal with an attached tour. The Footloose tour was shelved after Bondi. See, the thing no one really knows about my contract with Caden’s company is they took full liability for the stuff that happened with Paul, when he was harassing me. They have also agreed from day one to do whatever they need to support my employment with my disability. Like, I’m seriously the luckiest dude on the face of the planet when it comes to that stuff. But I guess the show as it stands makes a lot of cash. They’re all great folk. They understood that, at the time, it would’ve been too traumatic for me. It was never an idea that was shelved, though. It was always a possibility. And I think I’m feeling this… pull… something inside that’s telling me the key to conquering all this shit that’s coming back to me is music. Performing. Just… giving it my all. I think I want to accept the recording contract. Maybe it can all converge as a joint project and I can get Presley to bring SoV on board, as a celebration of other young people like me, using their passions to overcome their disabilities. I can’t shake this urge. But I just… I… couldn’t go away without you.”
Sasha stopped walking and held up his hand. “I just… had this vision of you in leather pants and guyliner on stage and I think my dick thinks it’s gone to heaven.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and had to adjust his jeans just a little, glancing around to make sure no one was about to walk past and catch him mid-instaboner. “Totally ruining my Ace mojo here,” he added with a sheepish laugh.
Justin’s eyes dipped and he grinned. “Did I mention these jeans were my favourite?” He grabbed Sasha’s hand so they could hurry back to his hospital room. The door was closed and the curtains whipped around his bed. “Sit down,” he coaxed, nudging Sasha to sit on the side of the bed. He pulled up a chair so he was seated in front of Sasha and started to unbutton Sasha’s fly, looking up at him, tongue tracing over his lips. “Just for the record, this isn’t to convince you of anything. This is simply my job as your fiance. Any big decisions, no matter what they are, we don’t do it unless we’re both okay with it.”
“Oh my god, what if we get caught?” Sasha gasped, already a little breathless with the anticipation. Justin seated between his legs, looking up at him like that with the tip of his tongue doing that thing across his lips. He sucked in another sharp breath with a squeak when Justin slipped his hand inside once he had the buttons undone. “I think I might be falling in love with ketamine. Baby, you’re… looking and sounding better than you have in ages.”
“Ah-huh,” Justin agreed, smiling up at him, drawing his thumb slowly up the hard length and enjoying the firm warmth of it against his fingers. “We’ll hear the door open and they have to give warning before they pull the curtain back. Relax…” He pulled Sasha’s jeans down over his hips to give him a bit more access. Before he took it too far, he reached up to cup his hand behind Sasha’s neck and pulled him down into a kiss. He slipped his other hand beneath his shirt, caressing the smooth warm skin to just feel Sasha close. That intimate and tender contact was more therapeutic to him than most other things. It was never about sex with them. Their relationship was a sexual abuse survivor and an Asexual, both who craved nearness, intimacy, closeness. Sometimes, there was sex. But it wasn’t a vital necessity. It wasn’t a deciding factor in anything about their relationship. And when they did it, they did it their way.
Sasha’s anxiety or hang-ups about possibly being caught or thinking about pretty much anything beyond Justin melted away. The kiss was intoxicating but he didn’t have any objections when Justin broke it to go down on him. “Hang on.. I wanna do you too…” he breathed, biting his lip when he was hit with a rush of sensations flooding through him. It had been awhile since they did this. Justin being sick meant this stuff was put on hold. There was a little something-something here and there in Vermont, but it had been slow and more like cuddling with extras than anything else. His mind jumped back to the first time Justin had ever given him a blow job. Sasha had been so nervous and uncertain about the whole thing. He couldn’t fathom a sense of pleasure coming just from having someone put their mouth on his dick, until he realised it would be Justin’s mouth and that was a whole other story. His squeezed a fistful of sheets, trying to anchor himself to not thrusting sharply against Justin’s face or coming in about twenty seconds flat.
Justin paused to look up at Sasha, kissing the tip of his dick. “What, you don’t want to watch?” he murmured, slipping a hand into the waistband of his sweatpants, pushing them down enough to expose himself for Sasha to see. He picked up where he left off with his mouth and started to simultaneously stroke himself, knowing Sasha liked to watch. Sometimes, it’s all Sasha wanted and it gave Justin a thrill to turn him on in that one. One thing he truly cherished in his relationship with Sasha was finding their own way, seeing what they liked or didn’t like so much, trying different ways of making love. Before meeting Sasha, he knew little about Asexuality. He had learned along the way and he found the way Sasha’s mind worked to be a beautiful thing.
“Oh, fuck yes,” Sasha moaned, wetting his lips. Watching Justin suck him off and stroking himself was information overload. The fact he hadn’t had an orgasm in a few weeks wasn’t in his favour. He was already making some interesting noises battling his self-control and he desperately hoped Zeke - or anyone else - decided walk into the room before he was done or it might just kill him. Hell, there wasn’t a day that went by that Sasha wasn’t so incredibly mindblown that he got to fall in love with someone as beautiful as Justin, and who fell in love with him right back. Inside, of course. That went without saying. But aesthetically, well, Justin didn’t have millions of people in his fanbase for nothing. He was gorgeous. He had the most intense blue eyes and his hair was the perfect shade of blonde. Without his makeup, he had adorable faint gold freckles across his nose and cheeks, which he hated but Sasha adored. The makeup was another thing that drove Sasha wild. The stage makeup was one thing, but Justin wore it socially as well. He loved guyliner, eyeshadow, lipgloss. He loved glam makeup and Lewis had a field day with him for events or special performances because Justin wasn’t scared to tap into that glamorous side of him. In fact, it was exactly who he was and probably why he suffered so much mentally when he had to stifle his sexuality and identity back in Chicago to survive bullying. So, needless to say, when Justin looked up at him while he was going down on him and also stroking himself off, Sasha was going to struggle to hold on for very long. “S-Shit, baby, I’m not gonna last,” he warned through a heavy exhalation, fingers sliding through Justin’s hair.
Justin could feel that Sasha was tipping towards the edge. He was trying his best not to move and wriggle around and the noises he was making always drove Justin wild. He squeezed Sasha’s thigh with his free hand, urging him to not try to hold off. Justin didn’t miss a beat with his mouth exploring the familiar length of Sasha’s dick and he kept watching his face, drinking in the way his pleasure was written all over it. He moved his hand on from Sasha’s thigh, delving his fingers between his legs to caress his balls with a tender squeeze. He knew the exact moment Sasha hit the point of no return. He stopped stroking himself to wait it out so he didn’t immediately come as soon as Sasha did. It wasn’t easy holding back with the keening sound Sasha made before he came. As soon as Sasha finishing riding out that wave, Justin dropped back in the chair, licking his lips and starting to stroke himself with more urgency now. He grabbed Sasha’s hand and pulled it to him, lacing their fingers together around his dick with those last few strokes. He met Sasha’s gaze again, holding it when his own orgasm hit until he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer.
Before Justin was done, Sasha leaned over and capture Justin’s lips in a heated kiss. He could taste himself on Justin’s tongue and even if he had never been able to decide if he liked that or not, he knew he didn’t hate it. It was just more a fact he liked the taste of Justin more. Now that he was used to it. When he was still learning how to give oral, he kept gagging because it hit so quickly no matter how much he tried to prepare himself to anticipate what was coming. It was still a unique sensation and cum was an unusual texture. The more he did it, the more he got used to it and now saw the appeal of swallowing. The memory jumped back in his mind and a laugh escaped him. “I just remembered the first time I watched you swallow,” he said breathlessly. He squeezed Justin’s fingers. “Let’s lie down.”
Justin laughed too, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. His legs felt a little like jelly in the warm fuzzy wake of an orgasm, but he got up with Sasha’s help, pulling his sweat pants back up and kicking his purple Cons off and nudging them under the bed with his toes. “When you lost the ability to form coherent sentences? I remember too. I don’t think you ever quite got to the point of contemplating the fact that if you come in someone’s mouth, there’s going to cum and it’s got to go somewhere. I think I might get my PJ pants on. Do you want to put these on? They’ll be more comfortable to lie in than jeans. They’ll be here to start my next infusion soon.”
Sasha went to the dresser and got Justin’s PJs out for him. “I think I lost the ability to word at all. I don’t think my brain even remembered what words were. I didn’t, though. I mean, I knew what blowjobs were and that sex was messy, but my brain didn’t connect those dots. Come here.” He put the PJs on the bed and pulled Justin close for a cuddle. He kissed his nose and then his lips. “Mmm, I love you. I love how you make me feel. Let’s get you settled, though. Those infusions wipe you out. I’m seriously, like, buzzing from the waist down,” he laughed, not bothering to do his jeans up again. He shrugged out of his hoodie and slung it over the back of the chair.
Justin had been commando all day because he was a bit slow off the mark when he woke up that morning. He hadn’t been able to face his breakfast because the ketamine was upsetting his stomach on and off. Instead, he went back to sleep and didn’t wake up until after lunch, which is when he and Zeke decided to head down to The Rainbow Room for their afternoon session. Zeke took to it like a duck to water and Justin knew it would help him with the battles he had been having not knowing if he had fight left in him to keep going. He knew how that felt. He opened up to Zeke a little about it the night before in the middle of the night. They both had trouble sleeping. Zeke had some pain and Justin was restless because his skin was all itchy and flushed, a side effect of the ketamine. Sasha was used to him naked so he wasn’t bothered about taking his sweat pants off and handing them over to Sasha so he could change into his PJs. “I can’t wait to get out of here now so we can have a bit of time alone together. Lie naked with you in a big comfy bed and forget everything else in the world exists.” He pulled his tank top over his head and got into bed where Sasha was holding the blankets back for him. “It’s been full-on. Like, in the worst possible way.”
“It has, but we’re getting through it.” Sasha waited until Justin was settled and comfortable and then slipped in beside him, pulling the covers up over them both. He cuddled Justin close and slipped his leg in between Justin’s. Hospital beds left a lot to be desired in comfort and size but they had been making it work since the start. Gave them an excuse to cuddle as close as they could. He smiled when he saw Justin’s eyes had a bit of that spark back in them and he had a healthy flush in his cheeks. Beneath the blankets, he started to rub Justin’s back. “I could get a tutor and come with you on tour, you know. I’ve had times over my life where I’ve been homeschooled because of the anxiety. I mean, speaking of anxiety, I’m kind of freaking out a whole lot that you’ll be okay to tour and all that being in love stuff. But if it’s what you want to do and you think it’s going to help you heal from some of this, hell yeah do I want to go on the ride with you. Anyway, I was kind of thinking of taking a gap year before college. Life’s just been so overwhelming and full, even before we met, I think I just want time to chill for awhile. Especially with you now. I think we’re amazing together.”
There was a knock at the door before it opened a few moments later. “Hello? It’s just the nurse with your infusion, Mr Campbell. Are you decent in there?”
Justin smirked at Sasha, stifling a laugh. “It’s fine. You can come through.” He watched when she pulled the curtain back and wheeled the IV machine up to his bed. Her names was Roberta or Nurse Hereford. She was probably somewhere in her fifties and had come to be Justin’s favourite nurse on this ward. She always called him Mr Campbell and told him that her husband had bought them front row tickets to Footloose for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and told him her husband’s name was Mark. She was on shift when he was admitted and her friendly chatter had helped keep him calm through the process.
“Two for the price of one,” Nurse Hereford greeted them with a kind smile. “Did you want me to get you a menu to order a meal for dinner, Mr Stanford? Let’s check those obs before we get started. You’re looking a little flushed, young man. Are you feeling okay? Any yucky side effects in the last little while? It says you’ve missed breakfast and lunch because a bit of nausea.”
Justin bit his lip sheepishly and shook his head. “I’m okay. Just, you know, making out a little. Have you seen my man? He makes me hot. But my skin is still doing that weird warm thing and I’m not really hungry much. I’m eating, like, fruit and jello and stuff. Other than that, I’m okay. I fainted when I went to the bathroom last night. That sucked balls. They don’t want me getting up out of bed after the infusions now. I have to wait until morning.”
Sasha frowned a little hearing that but he didn’t bring it up to Justin in front of the nurse. Sometimes, there was just so much going on with Justin’s treatment that info took time to filter to him or to Justin’s folks. Justin didn’t always remember to give them a running commentary or feel like relaying everything. Mark generally conversed daily with Justin’s doctors to get updates on where he was at. Sasha more just went to Justin to give him cuddles and kisses, chat about their days, ask how he was feeling. The medical stuff was in the hands of the staff and he knew he would hear about anything urgent or important. “Dinner would be great, thanks, Nurse Hereford. Jus usually crashes out when he’s getting the infusion but I like to hang around to see how he is after it’s all run through.”
The nurse checked Justin’s blood pressure and his pulse, then hung her stethoscope around her neck. “Let me just grab that for you and you can have a little peruse while we get the infusion started.”
Justin flicked through the channels on the TV while the nurse sorted the infusion and connected him up to the next dose. They learned from the first day he didn’t deal well with running the dose through quickly. It made him sick, dizzy, cranky, teary, which agitated him and ended up being counter-productive. The doctor changed the dose to slow release, which infused over around four hours and other than making him sleepy, he coped much better in general. Soon, they were alone again and Justin settled back on his side facing Sasha. “You don’t have to stress. I was sitting on the toilet when it happened and I didn’t hurt myself or anything. Dizziness and fainting is just side effect. You know how I am with that shit.”
“I can’t help it, I’m a stress head.” Sasha kissed Justin’s forehead and cuddled up to him, making sure his arm was safe outside the blankets and the IV line wasn’t getting tangled anywhere. “Damn side effects. You can’t even go for a midnight poo without them screwing with you. I’m glad you didn’t crack your head open or anything. But that’s why they need you in here while they’re hitting you with the intensive treatments, so they can make sure you’re safe and well while you’re adjusting. So, tell me… is my baby really going to be a recording artist? Do I get to brag how amazing and talented he is?”
“Even all unfabulous fainting on the toilet for a midnight poo?” Justin laughed and took a deep breath, letting it out in a rush. “I think so. I feel like at the least I need to seriously consider it all. Talk to Caden, talk to my Management. I wanted to talk about it with you first. Because I don’t want to do it if you can’t come along on the ride with me. I also don’t want to just take it run if you wouldn’t be comfortable or you don’t want to think about. You love school and you love study. You have massive ambitions and you’re going to be the best psychiatrist one day, I just know it. I haven’t made any decisions. It’s just where I’m getting a pull. I didn’t think I’d get better enough to feel this sort of urge again.”
Sasha brushed his hand over Justin’s hair and shook his head. “I’m glad you want to talk it through with me, put the cards on the table and all that. I came into this knowing who you are and what you do. I came in knowing your MO from day one has been to have your fingers in many pies and I know every time you get sick and have a setback, it really upsets you and makes you feel like you’re going to lose all that stuff that means everything to you. Which is understandable, it’s a big part of your identity. It’s naturally in you. All that is how I know that unless you were really ready to consider this, you wouldn’t be talking about it. If anything, you would be averted to it and upset because you thought you should do it but couldn’t. And honestly, I love being part of that side of your life. I love working with you. But a gap year could also mean I’d have time to focus on Dad’s book. I could see you in your element and get to keep my thoroughly important position as your Number One Biggest Fan. Have you ever thought about writing a book? If you do this tour thing, travel around with it, explore your place as championing being a young person with a mental disability and still taking on the world. It’s been something that’s really helped me.”
Justin smirked with a bit of a laugh. “What, like Bipolar and Broadway? Confessions of an accidental Broadway star?” He thought on it for a few moment and shrugged. “My thoughts are such a mess a lot of the time. I don’t think I could rationalise it into something other people could understand. I mean, you cut away the whole mental illness thing, I’m a pretty boring guy deep down. All the performing stuff, it’s just a mask. I like that I can hide behind it, I guess. Maybe one day. After seeing you stress over your dad’s, though, I can’t say I’m eager. You look like you want to take up drinking, bang your head against a wall, or sit in a corner and bawl some days. Would you really want to come on tour with me? I just wanted to… I don’t know… start thinking about it. It’s far from a foregone conclusion. I just know that I seem to get stuck in this mind cycling when I’m not working. When I work, it might come and go but mostly I’m good enough to perform.”
“That’s a perfect title, you know,” Sasha laughed, still rubbing Justin’s back. It was something he found soothed them both. There was just something special to him in loving someone that much that you knew the value of the simple smaller gestures. For him, that’s what it was all about, especially when travelling bumpy roads with was part and parcel of caring for someone with an illness. “You were made to perform, baby. It’s what makes you tick. It’s not surprising that it’s medicine for you too. It just happens to be medicine that takes a lot of energy you don’t always have because your brain is syphoning so much of it. But I’m so totally not going to agree you’re boring. You’re just incredible in ways you can’t see. That’s my job. It’s not really the writing of the book that gets me, it’s the emotions of what I’m writing about and worrying I’m doing it justice for him. I doubt myself so much. I get anxiety that I suck. And yes, I would want to come on tour with you. Of course I would! You’re my man, I’m not missing that. I’m going to be right there every fucking moment, probably with my phone in your face taking selfies because I love all our amazing memories. I’m seriously. You’re going to get all pissy that I’m being basic.”
Justin closed his eyes with the back rubs. “Hmm, that feels so nice. You’re going to put me to sleep.” He curled in a little closer, head resting in against Sasha’s shoulder. “Are you scared about having people read it when it’s finished? The parts I’ve read are amazing. I don’t think you realise how much your voice is coming through in how you’re writing it. It’s so raw and personal and it’s showing the sides of your dad people don’t know are there. That’s always the bad thing about having a disability. Sometimes, people can’t see beyond it, you know? I know I’m just ‘That kid on Broadway with bipolar’ to a lot of people. Or ‘That gay kid who’s mentally ill’. It took me so long to accept that and not let it hurt me when I first came out and wanted to be honest that I was mentally ill. Honestly, I just wanted people to know in case I some day lost my total shit on stage randomly. This was before I even understood what bipolar was and thought it meant I was psycho. I had to learn just as much as anyone else. That bit people forget. Once upon a time, a sick or injured person didn’t know anything about what they’re dealing with either. Maybe that’s a good excuse to write a book. I know it’s why you doing it for your dad is so beautiful. I’m so fucking proud of you. I’d never think you were basic, especially not for being there to make memories with me. As you know, I’ve got enough bad ones I want to replace with good. I want to keep making good memories with you forever.”
“Sleep if you need to, beautiful. I’m not going anywhere.” Sasha kissed the top of Justin’s head and tucked the covers more snugly around him. Justin crashed out during all the infusions so far so it would be no different that night. That’s why Sasha had come, so he was here with Justin while the infusion ran through. There was also the fact that on this particular (much more expensive and private) ward, visitation was allowed 24/7 so all but one night he had stayed and then gotten up early to go home to shower and shave before picking Jett, Brody and Cas up to take them to school, their squad ritual that had been going on for awhile now. “You’re right. That’s why I needed to do it, even if, yeah, I’m utterly terrified about anyone reading it. Dad got a lot of fame and, well, infamy, I guess, after his accident. People that had never been fans before were suddenly fans and everyone was wanting a running commentary on his progress for months. Those who weren’t were just waiting for a death announcement. I was too young to know any of this. Then on top of Mom having to deal with people trying to stick their noses into our private lives, I had that weird breakdown I don’t really remember where I stopped talking and starting having these panic attacks and meltdowns. The migraines started a few years later, around the time Dad got really depressed and I now know he was suicidal. Even though I’m writing his story, a lot of stuff around that time is from Mom. Dad still doesn’t know I’m doing the book. I don’t spend a whole lot of time writing about that part. I just touch on it. I really wanted it to be focused on my childhood, my family’s memories of his early racing days, and how it was once I was old enough to understand he was quadriplegic and wouldn’t get better. Because honestly, people think he was a hero before that, but for me, he was the biggest hero after it. He still is. And I think when I met you, I saw a lot of the same challenges you were dealing with that he did. I know that’s why Mom and Dad understand so much that I need to be with you when you’re not well. They get it. But if you get hurt or sick, you don’t just know how to deal with it. It’s fucking hard. Some days, it’s too hard. That’s why the good days are so special.”
“I love you. This is nice...” Justin murmured and smiled listening to Sasha talk about his life. He remembered that first day they met, how easy it was to sit and listen to Sasha about his life. After everything he survived at Bondi and those horrific few months of his life, Sasha was this ray of hope he could reach out to. He didn’t believe in love at first sight, of course, but looking back, he could see there was no way he wouldn’t have soon fallen for him. It hadn’t taken long. Sasha was so honest and open with him. He cared, he wasn’t closed off, and even in those early days where they barely knew each other, he wanted to help. The day they met, Sasha talked a lot about Andi, but had also touched on how it was having a disabled dad. Justin could never really put it in words, but Sasha had felt so right for him. Right and safe. His judgement hadn’t been wrong at all.
LOG, COMPLETE