William Benjamin Jackson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
musthavebeenlove) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-01-11 04:22 pm
musthavebeenlove) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-01-11 04:22 pm
Entry tags:
"Come on, let's stick together."
Who: Will Jackson and Blaize Lamont
What: Sticking together
Where: The Bondi, NYC
When: After this
Blaize had been working all week with a pile of jobs he had been booked for. He was distracted, but not too much to have be hit with the news that one of their friends had just been diagnosed with cancer for a second time. It was such a shock, it threw Blaize and he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel about it. The only person he had been directly connected to with cancer his whole life was Paris, Gen’s brother and Justin’s uncle. He had been a fan of Paris for years, knowing he was a figurehead for LGBT+ people for owning who he was loudly and proudly. It was all Blaize stood for. They needed idols and mentors like that so more young people had someone to look up to when they were questioning themselves and considering coming out as anything but straight. And anything but straight was such a wide and diverse spectrum, there definitely wasn’t anything black and white about it.
He had just finished an interview with a journalist at Luke’s bar, The Bondi. It was about Blaize’s decision to have full transitional surgery at a relatively young age. Pretty standard shit. The journo though they were onto something edgy and forward-thinking when really, Blaize had answered the questions many times prior, just differently worded. Asking his opinion on transphobic people thinking being trans was a mental illness and did he think medication would have helped. Mostly, Blaize went through these types of interviews bemused with a knowing smirk never too far from his lips. He had heard it all, and then some. But his job was educate, not hate. He would sit through this interview and a thousand more in the future about the same subjects because the more he did, the more people learned the truth of the fact that the only ‘cause’ was that his body was born with a deformity that needed to be rectified. That was how he had always felt and no amount of medication would have stopped it.
Just as the interview was coming to an end, Blaize noticed that Will had come to the bar and after talking to his brother for a bit, went to sit at the piano on the stage. There were only a small handful of people there this late on a weeknight. He didn’t realise Will could play the piano. Not that he was playing it. He was just sitting at it looking at the keys, looking like he had a lot on his mind. Blaize knew Will had the cancer history, so he was wondering if Will had heard about Zeke. And if he had, was it stirring things up for him? Blaize farewelled the journo and tossed back the last mouthful of his Dr Pepper. He went over to where Will was sitting and smiled. “Hey, bud. Want some company? Or are you about to entertain us all with a hardcore rendition of Für Elise?”
Will noticed Blaize was there as soon as he arrived. Luke warned him not to interrupt, though. Blaize was there working and it looked like a pretty intense discussion. It had been a couple of hours Blaize had sat with the other person who was recording him, apparently. But when he came over, he smiled up at him with a laugh, shaking his head. “I don’t play. I was just thinking. I’d love company, if you’re not too busy. Luke said you looked like you were doing some important work.”
Blaize shrugged with an indifferent scrunch of his nose. He sat down beside Will on the piano bench. “Nothing special in the interview. A lot of fishing for something new and shocking about transition that might make her article stick out from all the others, but the truth of the matter is, my story never changes. I’m happy to talk about it, but if they think I’ll be suddenly revealing something shocking, they’re wasting their time. There was a lot of questioning about my connection to Justin too, so I think she’ll try to hook him through his PR soon. What are you thinking about?” he asked, looking at the piano keys like they might offer up some clue to why Will picked here out of the whole bar.
“Just thinking about how Justin helped me remember how to live again after having cancer. I saw the squad chat about Zeke and I really wanted to say something incredibly inspiring and empathetic, but I clammed up. Like, I agreed with the whole lot of it but I felt like anything I saw would seemed forced or like I was trying to be a know-it-all.” Will gave Blaize a small sheepish smile, shrugging himself. “I’ve realised how much of an over-thinker I am lately. I’m just here because so many moments of my recovery were here at the bar, linked to this piano. I spent so long in limbo after I went into remission, not really knowing where I was supposed to belong or any of that shit. Justin reconnected me to the real world and showed me the life beyond cancer. I feel kind of sick inside thinking about how it would be if they told me if came back. Zeke must be… fuck, I don’t even know.”
Blaize thought about the chat too and he nodded, murmuring, “It’s got to be one of the worst things in the world to face. Being told you have cancer once would be horrible enough, but to have to go through it again after you thought you beat it. I don’t think there’s anything really right to say at a time like this. Just because you’ve had it too, doesn’t mean you’re an expert on how to deal with it. It’s subjective, everyone deals differently. Some people will know the perfect things to say, others will just be at a loss for words. Sash was. He took it really hard, but people might assume he was the one who should have all the right answers because of what he went through with Andi. Life doesn’t work like that, so don’t crucify yourself because of it. Just be a friend for Zeke. He needs all the love and support right now. Did you speak to him at all about sharing the mutual experience of beating cancer?”
“Yeah, a few times. We have some classes together at school. Like, seriously, just before Christmas we were all chilling at school and he was making fart jokes about cancer. He didn’t seem sick at all. I get that certain types can move quickly, but mine wasn’t like that. It was more like a slow-burn to the eventual diagnosis. And I was pretty young at the time, so I only really remember in terms of being a young scared kid. Stuff was going on around me with my folks and my brother, but all the specific ins and outs were lost on me. If you beat it, though, you’re always scared it will come back. Every little flu or upset stomach, you think it’s back. It must’ve been fucking awful to be told it actually was back.” Will shook his head and rubbed the nape of his neck as all this stuff churned over. “Has anyone close to you ever had cancer?”
“No, and I’m very lucky to be able to say that. I’ve only known people who had it in the past. You, Zeke, Billy. You could count Paris but I don’t know him all that well. He’s visited many times since I’ve been living at Casa de Campbell, but his life’s pretty crazy so I haven’t had any direct in-depth chats with him yet. A lot of the time he’s been too sick, you know? Zeke’s probably the one I’ve chilled with the most and he was always open and honest about it. I think that’s why it’s hitting us all with such shock. Because you’re right, he did seem to be okay just a short while ago. But New Year… shit, I was terrified at how sick he was.” Blaize had helped Zeke on New Year when he got really sick really quickly. He had been sitting with him when Zeke started to get restless and admitted he had pain in his stomach. It was barely a minute or two later that he told Blaize he felt like he was going to be sick, so Blaize helped him get to the bathroom quickly. Jett had crashed out on the sofa because he had been fatigued and Blaize was cool stepping into his place in case Zeke needed help. He did. Very much so. Once he started to be sick, it was over and over and seemed to be causing him more agony. Then the other end of his system got involved and he had an accident. Will had come to help then, and Blaize appreciated it so much. Zeke would be so embarrassed by what happened, but he was too sick to care that night. Blaize promised him that neither he nor Will would spread what happened. None of their friends would have any issues with it anyway. That’s what they did. They took care of each other. “Thanks again, though. For all your help with him that night. I never thought this would be the outcome.”
Will caught his lip between his teeth and responded with a slow nod. There was a restlessness inside him and there was an urge to fidget, shift, bounce his leg. Instead, he met Blaize’s gaze and saw all over his face how worried he had been about Zeke. “I knew. Obviously not for certain, but when I saw how sick he was, I just knew in my gut what was coming. I didn’t have stomach cancer, but when cancer makes someone so sick, you sort of see this pallor in their face. No hint of healthy colour, you know? I was kind of just on autopilot, mate. I’m not even going to pretend I somehow had an excellent hold on it all. If I’m honest, I was terrified seeing how easily it could come back. Do you want to know something stupid? Justin and I broke up once before this final time. That’s not stupid, that was inevitable. But one of the reasons was because I started to get this fear in me that the cancer would come back. I started working out like a dickhead, pushing myself too far. Then I got sick and landed in hospital with dehydration and electrolye imbalance and I believed then that it was back. But I didn’t tell Justin any of it. I blocked him out and he thought I didn’t give a fuck even back then. He gave me a second chance, we tried again. I took the second chance for granted and made all the same stupid mistake. He was inevitably going to pull the plug for good a second time because he’s strong. He doesn’t seem it and he doesn’t feel it, but he’s stronger than anyone I know. Strong enough to know he didn’t deserve being treated like that. That whole fear, though? That the cancer will come back? It hit me tonight just how real it is and I’m scared now that it might ruin anything good that comes into my life, just like it ruined Justin and me.”
Blaize listened, never taking his eyes from Will’s face. Soon, he gently put his arm around his shoulders with a companionable squeeze. “You’re an expert at self-flagellation, aren’t you?” he murmured.
“I don’t even know what that means,” Will admitted with a bit of a laugh. “You’re too worldly for me. Talk in Laymen’s Terms. Or give me a thesaurus.”
“Beating yourself up,” Blaize explained, offering a teasing smirk. He rubbed Will’s shoulder. “Listen to me, yeah? There is no one else on the face of the earth who is a bigger critic of us than ourselves. There’s a writer called Anne Lamott and she wrote a book about writing. You should read it if you haven’t already. Have you? She penned the term Radio K-F K D. K-fucked. She says every person has this radio playing their ego in one here, telling them they’re great, they can take on the world, that you can be brilliant. In the other ear, it plays all the self-doubt, the fears, the self-hate, everything that gives us fuel to hate ourselves. Both of those play in stereo, constantly warring with each other, and inside, our brain’s there going WTF. Your K-FKD radio station needs retuning. And sure, maybe beating cancer scrambled the radio signals and had them shooting unhelpful feedback through your speakers for awhile. You know in your heart that if you had just told Justin about these fears, it probably would have salvaged your relationship but the thing about our K-FKD stations is that everyone has one. Meanwhile, Justin’s station has never been on the same bandwidth as other people. His is miswired to Radio BDP and it keeps either feeding him depressing funeral music or crazy hard rock on any given day and fucks his ability to tune evenly into K-FKD. You can’t take away the fact he is mentally ill anymore than you can take away the fact you survived cancer. So, let yourself off the hook a little. Stop lassoing your balls in a winch and stringing yourself from the rafters by them. It’s stopping you from living. The fear won’t go away, but you can learn to tune it out more. Zeke’s being sick is going to be hard for you to see. It’s going to remind you constantly that at any given moment, cancer can come back. But it can happen to anyone. You know the good part about this? You know what he’s dealing with. On some level. Just in a different way. You can help him in ways the rest of us can’t, and he’s going to need as much help as he can get.”
As he listened, Will watched Blaize’s face. Everything he said was so spot-on, but in ways Will had never thought about. As intent as he was on the words, the empathy with which Blaize was talking struck Will deeply. He found himself noticing that Blaize was wearing make-up and guyliner, bringing the blue out in his eyes. That always used to be what was an epic turn-on for Will with Justin. Justin rocked the glam when he was in the mood and it never not set Will’s heart on fire. How hard he was crushing on Blaize here, he was starting to wonder if he had a type. Celebrities with blue eyes, who rocked skinny jeans and guyliner. He wanted to ask him how it felt to be non-binary, to be so confident in himself, to know who he was and how that was something to be cherished. Fuck, he should have just answered. Ask the questions, tell him how much he appreciated being understood like this, for offering clarity and perspective. Instead, he couldn’t take his eyes from Blaize’s lips and he leaned closer, meeting them with a kiss, eyes falling closed when a jolt of excitement shot through him at the first kiss he had in a very long time.
It was more the timing of the kiss that took Blaize by surprise than the fact it was happening. Blaize was a very sexual person - mostly. Not always. That side of him had been stifled before and during his transition. Being at war with his body made it difficult to feel sexual when it was like the wrong parts were attached to him. Often, he would have a very real sensation of not having any clue what to do with his female genitals. They were just there, functioning as a body needed to, but there was a complete disconnect from it. Which meant he had a complete disconnected from other people with them. It came and went. Sometimes, he was fine to go on his merry way with the prosthetics and had come well-versed in using them. It was often other trans or queer folk he felt the most sexual with because they understood. That, and the fact he was extremely sexually attracted to queer people because they were non-binary and gender-fluid. He always had been. Eventually, he began to realise it was less an attraction to queer people and more the subtracting any physical trait (including genitals) from the equation. It wasn’t about bodies or anything attached to them, it was about connecting to the person so deeply, the attraction was inevitable. He truly cherished human connection and that was where his sexual attraction and sexuality - pansexual - stemmed from.
It was a no-brainer for him. He was just as naturally pansexual as a straight person was straight. There wasn’t a process of questioning on his sexuality, only on his gender. But he was aware a lot of people in this world didn’t understand the depth of that. Many just thought it was a speshul snowflake way of being bisexual. ‘Hearts, not parts’ or ‘people, not parts’ was parroted ad nauseum as a way to try to describe it, but that was so inaccurate to what pansexuality really was. Because hearts and people were involved in every relationship on some level. It wasn’t isolated to pansexuals and pansexuality wasn’t diluted to just dividing a personality from genitals. It was about a complete removal of gender as a deciding factor, it was attraction regardless of gender. It was a need for more than skin-deep desire for sexual attraction, if he engaged with someone emotionally, a sexual attraction could follow with anyone, whatever gender or non-binary they were physically. And Blaize was fine with people not understanding the complexity of it. That was okay, he didn’t mind explaining it as much as was needed for anyone open to understanding. For him, to be sexually attracted to someone, there had to be an emotional communication and the ability to engage with someone on more levels than just friction in one’s pants to get off.
That was happening with Will, he knew that. But at the same time, he was very aware Will still had feelings for Justin, still loved him even, and he didn’t want to take advantage of that which made Will vulnerable. The kiss lingered briefly until Blaize smiled against Will’s lips and pulled back. “I know this isn’t a rebound thing, but I don’t want to put you in a position where you’re feeling confused and getting emotionally lost right now. That’s not a brush-off. I genuinely don’t want to hand you reasons to get hurt.”
The way Blaize worded things always seemed to have Will pausing to think on it, absorb it. He shook his head. “No, that’s not it. I know I’m fucked up on a few levels and that’s obvious by the path of destruction I left in my wake, but… I know now that I’m ready to live again. To leave the stuff in that past that needs to stay there and learn how to turn the page. That… um… can I tell you something? I’ve actually been trying to pluck up the courage to ask you on a date for a few weeks now. It was Justin who started coaxing me to give it a shot. So, even if there is history there, none of this a rebound thing. Nothing can take away the memories I have with him, but he’s moved on and I know I’m ready for that too. I just thought you were so out of my league,” he admitted with an embarrassed laugh. Then he nibbled his lip, looking at Blaize’s face to see how he was taking this. “Watching you take care of Zeke how you did, I guess it just solidified stuff for me. But even then, I was so nervous about asking you. I haven’t done this sort of thing before. It came about in a different way with Justin.”
Blaize raised his eyebrows, but smiled. “I’m not as scary as I look,” he joked and then gave a little wave of his hand. “Don’t let the bells and whistles of my persona and branding get in the way. I’m not out of anyone’s league. I’m in the same league, trying to figure out how to bat all the curveballs coming at me, just like everyone else. I’ve managed to hit a few home runs, but mostly I’m just a scared and confused kid like everyone else. I just more publicly acknowledge the discovery process than most do. That’s been therapy for me. I understand it probably feels like you’re shouldering a whole pile of self-inflicted shit on your own that might affect the chances you have, but we’re all there with you. And if you’re asking, I’d love to go on a date with you. But I’m going to ask you one little favour before get take this any further. I want you to promise to tell me if any of this feels like you’re just doing it to disconnect further from Justin because he and Sash are engaged. Because that’s human nature and I wouldn’t at all blame you for that. It wouldn’t be a healthy foundation for anything, though. If you’re genuinely ready for those steps, though, a fresh start and moving on, then, well… my balls might be prosthetic, but they’re tough. I don’t need anything to be perfect for it to work.”
Will laughed and put a hand over his face to stifle it because what they were talking about was heavy. “If it’s any consolation, I’ve been wondering a hell of a lot about your prosthetic balls, among other things. I’m not even asking that we be a ‘thing’ yet. Nothing like that. Just… a test drive? But yes, I am asking. In a completely awkward and basic way. I promise I’ll tell you if it feels like I’m still stuck back there, but I don’t think so. I’m really happy for him. He’s getting everything he deserves and needs. I do still wish it could have been me who figured all that shit out, but only because I’m scared it might affect future relationships. I want to stop being so trapped in the shit I got myself into and have fun like everyone else is. I think there’s a lot you can help me with, because you’ve figured a lot of it out already. If you want to, that is,” he quickly added, shooting Blaize a bashful smile.
“Give yourself a break, you’ll have more fun,” Blaize urged, gently nudging Will with his shoulder. “I need to get a bit of sleep tonight because I’ve been up since four travelling back from filming something in Boston. But how about Friday night? Something simple and easy like dinner and a movie? We can just take it from there. Don’t worry, I’m not giving you any special treatment because I think you’re basic and need handling with kid gloves, before you let your mind run off with that. This is just how I roll with everyone. I need a chance to figure out if I’m feeling it in any dating scenario too. So, consider us on the same playing field. We can figure shit out together, yeah? And if you need to talk about any of this cancer stuff, I’m here. I don’t personally know how it feels, but we’re all friends. We need to stick it out together.”
Will smiled and nodded. “That sounds awesome. I’d really like that.” His eyes swept across the keys of the piano again. It seemed fitting that somehow, he was able to turn a page here at the very spot so many chapters of his previous life happened. Blaize wasn’t Justin, which meant there was a whole lot of new and unknown territory was before him. But it felt right. It didn’t feel wrong, he didn’t feel a sense of dread like he was too scared to jump. He was ready and he couldn’t believe he had someone as wise and gorgeous as Blaize who wanted to help him with it. He had a nervous thrill of butterflies in his stomach, a sensation he had believed for so long he would never feel again.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Sticking together
Where: The Bondi, NYC
When: After this
Blaize had been working all week with a pile of jobs he had been booked for. He was distracted, but not too much to have be hit with the news that one of their friends had just been diagnosed with cancer for a second time. It was such a shock, it threw Blaize and he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel about it. The only person he had been directly connected to with cancer his whole life was Paris, Gen’s brother and Justin’s uncle. He had been a fan of Paris for years, knowing he was a figurehead for LGBT+ people for owning who he was loudly and proudly. It was all Blaize stood for. They needed idols and mentors like that so more young people had someone to look up to when they were questioning themselves and considering coming out as anything but straight. And anything but straight was such a wide and diverse spectrum, there definitely wasn’t anything black and white about it.
He had just finished an interview with a journalist at Luke’s bar, The Bondi. It was about Blaize’s decision to have full transitional surgery at a relatively young age. Pretty standard shit. The journo though they were onto something edgy and forward-thinking when really, Blaize had answered the questions many times prior, just differently worded. Asking his opinion on transphobic people thinking being trans was a mental illness and did he think medication would have helped. Mostly, Blaize went through these types of interviews bemused with a knowing smirk never too far from his lips. He had heard it all, and then some. But his job was educate, not hate. He would sit through this interview and a thousand more in the future about the same subjects because the more he did, the more people learned the truth of the fact that the only ‘cause’ was that his body was born with a deformity that needed to be rectified. That was how he had always felt and no amount of medication would have stopped it.
Just as the interview was coming to an end, Blaize noticed that Will had come to the bar and after talking to his brother for a bit, went to sit at the piano on the stage. There were only a small handful of people there this late on a weeknight. He didn’t realise Will could play the piano. Not that he was playing it. He was just sitting at it looking at the keys, looking like he had a lot on his mind. Blaize knew Will had the cancer history, so he was wondering if Will had heard about Zeke. And if he had, was it stirring things up for him? Blaize farewelled the journo and tossed back the last mouthful of his Dr Pepper. He went over to where Will was sitting and smiled. “Hey, bud. Want some company? Or are you about to entertain us all with a hardcore rendition of Für Elise?”
Will noticed Blaize was there as soon as he arrived. Luke warned him not to interrupt, though. Blaize was there working and it looked like a pretty intense discussion. It had been a couple of hours Blaize had sat with the other person who was recording him, apparently. But when he came over, he smiled up at him with a laugh, shaking his head. “I don’t play. I was just thinking. I’d love company, if you’re not too busy. Luke said you looked like you were doing some important work.”
Blaize shrugged with an indifferent scrunch of his nose. He sat down beside Will on the piano bench. “Nothing special in the interview. A lot of fishing for something new and shocking about transition that might make her article stick out from all the others, but the truth of the matter is, my story never changes. I’m happy to talk about it, but if they think I’ll be suddenly revealing something shocking, they’re wasting their time. There was a lot of questioning about my connection to Justin too, so I think she’ll try to hook him through his PR soon. What are you thinking about?” he asked, looking at the piano keys like they might offer up some clue to why Will picked here out of the whole bar.
“Just thinking about how Justin helped me remember how to live again after having cancer. I saw the squad chat about Zeke and I really wanted to say something incredibly inspiring and empathetic, but I clammed up. Like, I agreed with the whole lot of it but I felt like anything I saw would seemed forced or like I was trying to be a know-it-all.” Will gave Blaize a small sheepish smile, shrugging himself. “I’ve realised how much of an over-thinker I am lately. I’m just here because so many moments of my recovery were here at the bar, linked to this piano. I spent so long in limbo after I went into remission, not really knowing where I was supposed to belong or any of that shit. Justin reconnected me to the real world and showed me the life beyond cancer. I feel kind of sick inside thinking about how it would be if they told me if came back. Zeke must be… fuck, I don’t even know.”
Blaize thought about the chat too and he nodded, murmuring, “It’s got to be one of the worst things in the world to face. Being told you have cancer once would be horrible enough, but to have to go through it again after you thought you beat it. I don’t think there’s anything really right to say at a time like this. Just because you’ve had it too, doesn’t mean you’re an expert on how to deal with it. It’s subjective, everyone deals differently. Some people will know the perfect things to say, others will just be at a loss for words. Sash was. He took it really hard, but people might assume he was the one who should have all the right answers because of what he went through with Andi. Life doesn’t work like that, so don’t crucify yourself because of it. Just be a friend for Zeke. He needs all the love and support right now. Did you speak to him at all about sharing the mutual experience of beating cancer?”
“Yeah, a few times. We have some classes together at school. Like, seriously, just before Christmas we were all chilling at school and he was making fart jokes about cancer. He didn’t seem sick at all. I get that certain types can move quickly, but mine wasn’t like that. It was more like a slow-burn to the eventual diagnosis. And I was pretty young at the time, so I only really remember in terms of being a young scared kid. Stuff was going on around me with my folks and my brother, but all the specific ins and outs were lost on me. If you beat it, though, you’re always scared it will come back. Every little flu or upset stomach, you think it’s back. It must’ve been fucking awful to be told it actually was back.” Will shook his head and rubbed the nape of his neck as all this stuff churned over. “Has anyone close to you ever had cancer?”
“No, and I’m very lucky to be able to say that. I’ve only known people who had it in the past. You, Zeke, Billy. You could count Paris but I don’t know him all that well. He’s visited many times since I’ve been living at Casa de Campbell, but his life’s pretty crazy so I haven’t had any direct in-depth chats with him yet. A lot of the time he’s been too sick, you know? Zeke’s probably the one I’ve chilled with the most and he was always open and honest about it. I think that’s why it’s hitting us all with such shock. Because you’re right, he did seem to be okay just a short while ago. But New Year… shit, I was terrified at how sick he was.” Blaize had helped Zeke on New Year when he got really sick really quickly. He had been sitting with him when Zeke started to get restless and admitted he had pain in his stomach. It was barely a minute or two later that he told Blaize he felt like he was going to be sick, so Blaize helped him get to the bathroom quickly. Jett had crashed out on the sofa because he had been fatigued and Blaize was cool stepping into his place in case Zeke needed help. He did. Very much so. Once he started to be sick, it was over and over and seemed to be causing him more agony. Then the other end of his system got involved and he had an accident. Will had come to help then, and Blaize appreciated it so much. Zeke would be so embarrassed by what happened, but he was too sick to care that night. Blaize promised him that neither he nor Will would spread what happened. None of their friends would have any issues with it anyway. That’s what they did. They took care of each other. “Thanks again, though. For all your help with him that night. I never thought this would be the outcome.”
Will caught his lip between his teeth and responded with a slow nod. There was a restlessness inside him and there was an urge to fidget, shift, bounce his leg. Instead, he met Blaize’s gaze and saw all over his face how worried he had been about Zeke. “I knew. Obviously not for certain, but when I saw how sick he was, I just knew in my gut what was coming. I didn’t have stomach cancer, but when cancer makes someone so sick, you sort of see this pallor in their face. No hint of healthy colour, you know? I was kind of just on autopilot, mate. I’m not even going to pretend I somehow had an excellent hold on it all. If I’m honest, I was terrified seeing how easily it could come back. Do you want to know something stupid? Justin and I broke up once before this final time. That’s not stupid, that was inevitable. But one of the reasons was because I started to get this fear in me that the cancer would come back. I started working out like a dickhead, pushing myself too far. Then I got sick and landed in hospital with dehydration and electrolye imbalance and I believed then that it was back. But I didn’t tell Justin any of it. I blocked him out and he thought I didn’t give a fuck even back then. He gave me a second chance, we tried again. I took the second chance for granted and made all the same stupid mistake. He was inevitably going to pull the plug for good a second time because he’s strong. He doesn’t seem it and he doesn’t feel it, but he’s stronger than anyone I know. Strong enough to know he didn’t deserve being treated like that. That whole fear, though? That the cancer will come back? It hit me tonight just how real it is and I’m scared now that it might ruin anything good that comes into my life, just like it ruined Justin and me.”
Blaize listened, never taking his eyes from Will’s face. Soon, he gently put his arm around his shoulders with a companionable squeeze. “You’re an expert at self-flagellation, aren’t you?” he murmured.
“I don’t even know what that means,” Will admitted with a bit of a laugh. “You’re too worldly for me. Talk in Laymen’s Terms. Or give me a thesaurus.”
“Beating yourself up,” Blaize explained, offering a teasing smirk. He rubbed Will’s shoulder. “Listen to me, yeah? There is no one else on the face of the earth who is a bigger critic of us than ourselves. There’s a writer called Anne Lamott and she wrote a book about writing. You should read it if you haven’t already. Have you? She penned the term Radio K-F K D. K-fucked. She says every person has this radio playing their ego in one here, telling them they’re great, they can take on the world, that you can be brilliant. In the other ear, it plays all the self-doubt, the fears, the self-hate, everything that gives us fuel to hate ourselves. Both of those play in stereo, constantly warring with each other, and inside, our brain’s there going WTF. Your K-FKD radio station needs retuning. And sure, maybe beating cancer scrambled the radio signals and had them shooting unhelpful feedback through your speakers for awhile. You know in your heart that if you had just told Justin about these fears, it probably would have salvaged your relationship but the thing about our K-FKD stations is that everyone has one. Meanwhile, Justin’s station has never been on the same bandwidth as other people. His is miswired to Radio BDP and it keeps either feeding him depressing funeral music or crazy hard rock on any given day and fucks his ability to tune evenly into K-FKD. You can’t take away the fact he is mentally ill anymore than you can take away the fact you survived cancer. So, let yourself off the hook a little. Stop lassoing your balls in a winch and stringing yourself from the rafters by them. It’s stopping you from living. The fear won’t go away, but you can learn to tune it out more. Zeke’s being sick is going to be hard for you to see. It’s going to remind you constantly that at any given moment, cancer can come back. But it can happen to anyone. You know the good part about this? You know what he’s dealing with. On some level. Just in a different way. You can help him in ways the rest of us can’t, and he’s going to need as much help as he can get.”
As he listened, Will watched Blaize’s face. Everything he said was so spot-on, but in ways Will had never thought about. As intent as he was on the words, the empathy with which Blaize was talking struck Will deeply. He found himself noticing that Blaize was wearing make-up and guyliner, bringing the blue out in his eyes. That always used to be what was an epic turn-on for Will with Justin. Justin rocked the glam when he was in the mood and it never not set Will’s heart on fire. How hard he was crushing on Blaize here, he was starting to wonder if he had a type. Celebrities with blue eyes, who rocked skinny jeans and guyliner. He wanted to ask him how it felt to be non-binary, to be so confident in himself, to know who he was and how that was something to be cherished. Fuck, he should have just answered. Ask the questions, tell him how much he appreciated being understood like this, for offering clarity and perspective. Instead, he couldn’t take his eyes from Blaize’s lips and he leaned closer, meeting them with a kiss, eyes falling closed when a jolt of excitement shot through him at the first kiss he had in a very long time.
It was more the timing of the kiss that took Blaize by surprise than the fact it was happening. Blaize was a very sexual person - mostly. Not always. That side of him had been stifled before and during his transition. Being at war with his body made it difficult to feel sexual when it was like the wrong parts were attached to him. Often, he would have a very real sensation of not having any clue what to do with his female genitals. They were just there, functioning as a body needed to, but there was a complete disconnect from it. Which meant he had a complete disconnected from other people with them. It came and went. Sometimes, he was fine to go on his merry way with the prosthetics and had come well-versed in using them. It was often other trans or queer folk he felt the most sexual with because they understood. That, and the fact he was extremely sexually attracted to queer people because they were non-binary and gender-fluid. He always had been. Eventually, he began to realise it was less an attraction to queer people and more the subtracting any physical trait (including genitals) from the equation. It wasn’t about bodies or anything attached to them, it was about connecting to the person so deeply, the attraction was inevitable. He truly cherished human connection and that was where his sexual attraction and sexuality - pansexual - stemmed from.
It was a no-brainer for him. He was just as naturally pansexual as a straight person was straight. There wasn’t a process of questioning on his sexuality, only on his gender. But he was aware a lot of people in this world didn’t understand the depth of that. Many just thought it was a speshul snowflake way of being bisexual. ‘Hearts, not parts’ or ‘people, not parts’ was parroted ad nauseum as a way to try to describe it, but that was so inaccurate to what pansexuality really was. Because hearts and people were involved in every relationship on some level. It wasn’t isolated to pansexuals and pansexuality wasn’t diluted to just dividing a personality from genitals. It was about a complete removal of gender as a deciding factor, it was attraction regardless of gender. It was a need for more than skin-deep desire for sexual attraction, if he engaged with someone emotionally, a sexual attraction could follow with anyone, whatever gender or non-binary they were physically. And Blaize was fine with people not understanding the complexity of it. That was okay, he didn’t mind explaining it as much as was needed for anyone open to understanding. For him, to be sexually attracted to someone, there had to be an emotional communication and the ability to engage with someone on more levels than just friction in one’s pants to get off.
That was happening with Will, he knew that. But at the same time, he was very aware Will still had feelings for Justin, still loved him even, and he didn’t want to take advantage of that which made Will vulnerable. The kiss lingered briefly until Blaize smiled against Will’s lips and pulled back. “I know this isn’t a rebound thing, but I don’t want to put you in a position where you’re feeling confused and getting emotionally lost right now. That’s not a brush-off. I genuinely don’t want to hand you reasons to get hurt.”
The way Blaize worded things always seemed to have Will pausing to think on it, absorb it. He shook his head. “No, that’s not it. I know I’m fucked up on a few levels and that’s obvious by the path of destruction I left in my wake, but… I know now that I’m ready to live again. To leave the stuff in that past that needs to stay there and learn how to turn the page. That… um… can I tell you something? I’ve actually been trying to pluck up the courage to ask you on a date for a few weeks now. It was Justin who started coaxing me to give it a shot. So, even if there is history there, none of this a rebound thing. Nothing can take away the memories I have with him, but he’s moved on and I know I’m ready for that too. I just thought you were so out of my league,” he admitted with an embarrassed laugh. Then he nibbled his lip, looking at Blaize’s face to see how he was taking this. “Watching you take care of Zeke how you did, I guess it just solidified stuff for me. But even then, I was so nervous about asking you. I haven’t done this sort of thing before. It came about in a different way with Justin.”
Blaize raised his eyebrows, but smiled. “I’m not as scary as I look,” he joked and then gave a little wave of his hand. “Don’t let the bells and whistles of my persona and branding get in the way. I’m not out of anyone’s league. I’m in the same league, trying to figure out how to bat all the curveballs coming at me, just like everyone else. I’ve managed to hit a few home runs, but mostly I’m just a scared and confused kid like everyone else. I just more publicly acknowledge the discovery process than most do. That’s been therapy for me. I understand it probably feels like you’re shouldering a whole pile of self-inflicted shit on your own that might affect the chances you have, but we’re all there with you. And if you’re asking, I’d love to go on a date with you. But I’m going to ask you one little favour before get take this any further. I want you to promise to tell me if any of this feels like you’re just doing it to disconnect further from Justin because he and Sash are engaged. Because that’s human nature and I wouldn’t at all blame you for that. It wouldn’t be a healthy foundation for anything, though. If you’re genuinely ready for those steps, though, a fresh start and moving on, then, well… my balls might be prosthetic, but they’re tough. I don’t need anything to be perfect for it to work.”
Will laughed and put a hand over his face to stifle it because what they were talking about was heavy. “If it’s any consolation, I’ve been wondering a hell of a lot about your prosthetic balls, among other things. I’m not even asking that we be a ‘thing’ yet. Nothing like that. Just… a test drive? But yes, I am asking. In a completely awkward and basic way. I promise I’ll tell you if it feels like I’m still stuck back there, but I don’t think so. I’m really happy for him. He’s getting everything he deserves and needs. I do still wish it could have been me who figured all that shit out, but only because I’m scared it might affect future relationships. I want to stop being so trapped in the shit I got myself into and have fun like everyone else is. I think there’s a lot you can help me with, because you’ve figured a lot of it out already. If you want to, that is,” he quickly added, shooting Blaize a bashful smile.
“Give yourself a break, you’ll have more fun,” Blaize urged, gently nudging Will with his shoulder. “I need to get a bit of sleep tonight because I’ve been up since four travelling back from filming something in Boston. But how about Friday night? Something simple and easy like dinner and a movie? We can just take it from there. Don’t worry, I’m not giving you any special treatment because I think you’re basic and need handling with kid gloves, before you let your mind run off with that. This is just how I roll with everyone. I need a chance to figure out if I’m feeling it in any dating scenario too. So, consider us on the same playing field. We can figure shit out together, yeah? And if you need to talk about any of this cancer stuff, I’m here. I don’t personally know how it feels, but we’re all friends. We need to stick it out together.”
Will smiled and nodded. “That sounds awesome. I’d really like that.” His eyes swept across the keys of the piano again. It seemed fitting that somehow, he was able to turn a page here at the very spot so many chapters of his previous life happened. Blaize wasn’t Justin, which meant there was a whole lot of new and unknown territory was before him. But it felt right. It didn’t feel wrong, he didn’t feel a sense of dread like he was too scared to jump. He was ready and he couldn’t believe he had someone as wise and gorgeous as Blaize who wanted to help him with it. He had a nervous thrill of butterflies in his stomach, a sensation he had believed for so long he would never feel again.
LOG, COMPLETE