William Benjamin Jackson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
musthavebeenlove) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2017-09-18 01:36 am
musthavebeenlove) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2017-09-18 01:36 am
Entry tags:
"It's time that we all understand that we are brother to brother."
Who: Will and Luke Jackson
What: Brotherly Bonding
Where: NYC
When: After this
Will was sitting on the living room floor in the middle of what looked like a baby store exploded around him. Countless toys - nothing isolated to gendered male toys either - some disposable nappies, baby wipes, a change mat, an open jar of baby food that was barely touch with a baby spoon sitting in it, five soiled bibs, one baby sock (fuck knows where the other went) and a large plush koala with a red t-shirt with Milo’s name embroidered on it that was bigger than Milo himself. Will decided he was going to nail this awesome uncle thing, but that didn’t mean he perfected the art just yet.
Milo was pulling himself up on furniture now and had grown so much since the last time Will saw him. He was still tiny for his age, and coming from a mother who had been addicted to drugs when she was pregnant with him did that. That didn’t make him less the best nephew in the entire world. On the contrary, he was adorable. Blonde hair, big blue eyes, long eyelashes, drooly smile, and giggles that Will thought was one of the best sounds in the world. “C’mon, buddy. You can do it. Look, just three or four steps and you’ll be here. I can catch you.” Will was trying to coax his nephew away from where he was holding himself up on the coffee table, holding his hands out to him. He got all of one and a bit steps before he fell on his butt again. “Ohhh! So close. Good job.”
Luke arrived home from work, dragging his feet wearily and dumped his bag on one of the armchairs. Will coming to live with him had turned out to be a massive help. He picked up some of the babysitting and Luke didn’t have to pay for a childcare worker, and one that specialised in kids with special needs too. He smiled at Will’s attempts to get Milo walking. “Getting there, buddy. I think we’re still a long way off. Slow and steady wins the race, matey, doesn’t it?” He crouched down to kiss Milo’s head and ruffled Will’s hair, analysing him as he flopped onto the sofa. “Well, how did it go? You don’t look like it went too bad. Or did he tell you to go fuck yourself on the Mars, and have his security team blow a rocket up your arse to get you there?”
Will scooped Milo into his arms and gave him a cuddle. He couldn’t not laugh at what Luke said, and then he smiled, nodding. “Yeah, it was good. At least, I think so. No rocket launchers up my arse, so that’s got to be progress, right? He didn’t tell me to fuck off or have me hauled away in handcuffs. He could, but he didn’t.”
“Bloody oath, mate. It wasn’t too long ago he actually did have someone hauled away by his security at a meet and greet. Caused a big shitstorm because no one knew why. Justin had some sort of secret squirrel blink code or something, and next thing everyone knew, security was pouncing and he was whisked away.” Luke had stopped in and picked up a coffee on his way home. Sleep was rationed these days. The single dad life was exhausting, especially when your kid was far off sleeping through the night. He wouldn’t change it for the world. Milo was his world now, but a lot of other things had to be sacrificed. He sipped from the grande double strength latte. “Was Sasha there?”
“No, which I guess probably made Justin a little less on guard. First thing he would’ve thought then was whether I was back for Round Two, which I hate. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop hating myself for hitting him. If it was Medieval times, we would probably duel for settling the score and he’d slice my head off with a sword,” Will said with a wry snort.
Luke just shook his head in amusement. “You watch too much Game of Thrones, mate. Christ. Did you talk, or the success was just him not telling you to fuck off? Granted, that could be classed as going well considering the mess you caused last time you were in his presence. But I don’t think he’s an unreasonable kid. You could’ve gotten him on a bad day, though.” He gestured to the open jar of baby food. “He’s not eating?”
Will shook his head, stroking Milo’s hair down as he bounced him a little in his lap. “Nah, he spat it out. He wasn’t impressed. Can’t say I would be either if someone offered that to me. It looks like cat poo.” He narrowed his eyes, trying to think back to the conversation with Justin. A lot was covered in a short space of time before Justin left. Mostly, Will was overwhelmed with relief that he even spoke to him and gave him the time of day. “We talked some. At first, I wasn’t sure he would. He kind of had this look on his face like he didn’t want to see me. I interrupted his training too, so I would’ve interrupted his zone. He’s pretty protective of his zone when he works. He was shocked. I mean, he wouldn’t not be. But he did hear me out, even if I don’t deserve it. He’s never been unreasonable, dude. Ever. He gives more than anyone realises, maybe more than anyone deserves. Definitely more than I deserve.”
Luke listened quietly, watching his baby brought for any cues that he was just putting up a front or exaggerating what really happened. He knew how hard it was for Will to face that. No one else would know Will had been up three nights straight puking his guts up out of nerves for seeing Justin again. “How did it feel to see him?” he murmured. “I know how how it was, buddy. I know that all the feelings you used to have would be just gone now. Shit doesn’t work like that.”
“It was hard,” Will confessed, looking up at Luke as he slipped Milo’s pacifier in his mouth. “It’s all still there. I still love him. But don’t worry, I know it’s over and I know there’s no going back. I’m just going to need time to get used to being here and without him. Without him loving me. He wasn’t hostile and he talked about hanging out with our friends again, so I think that meant he was okay with being friends. He said it before, but shat all over his offer. And I’d like to still be his friend. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean I stopped thinking he was amazing. Funny, and kind, and special. I had it all, and I fucked it over. So, yeah, it was really hard that he was right there, but he’s not mine anymore. But that’s what growing up is, isn’t it? How well you deal with the shit, especially the shit you created yourself.”
“Unfortunately, mate. Some days, life just plain sucks, I get it. But I also know that no matter how shit things went, he’s still always going to be special to you because you learned so much being with him. You had something really good. You don’t have to lose those memories. You’re going to find it tough seeing him with Sasha. How do you think you’ll go with that?” Luke asked. He promised their parents he would watch out for how Will was coping at every step of the way. All this was going to take a lot of emotional self-discovery and maturity, but Will hadn’t wavered on his resolve to do this. He had wanted more than anything to come back to New York and promised he wouldn’t fuck up and cause problems for Luke to deal with when Luke was already dealing with stressful shit with his own personal life. “I wanted to talk to you about that anyway. If him starting to date after things with you crashed and burned made you feel like he was replacing you with a better model. Dad’s words, not mine. None of us want you walking around boozing and swinging fists ever again, so if you’re angry, I want you to blow off the steam with me first, not with people who don’t deserve to cop it.”
Will nodded, nose scrunching up at the reminder of his past behaviour. “I hated being drunk, it felt horrible. Another reason he had to hate me. Justin, I mean. All his issues with it and I still did it to hurt him. It felt easier than seeing him with Sasha back then, yeah. But at the same time, I still wanted to see it. It sounds dumb, I know, but it was like I didn’t even believe it was true until I saw it. Then I didn’t just see it, I saw them kissing and something snapped in me. My sanity, obviously. Not that I’d say that to him when he’s sensitive about the whole psychosis thing. But I swear, I’ll do it. I’ll talk to you if I feel it, just like I should have back then. But I… I can’t feel bad about him being with Sasha. Because I asked him. I asked him if he was happy, and he got this… this look and smile on his face. One that I used to see all the time when he was with me, but hadn’t in a really long time. I could see it in his eyes. He’s really happy, bro. And at the end there with me, he was telling me he didn’t even bloody remember what happy felt like. All he was doing was trying to keep his head above water and be content, and I kept pushing him under. It makes me want to get to know Sasha more, because he’s got to be some incredible dude for nailing that. And I’ve had cancer, I should’ve been friendly to him losing his friend. Have you met him?”
While watching his son settle contently in his little brother’s arms, Luke was listening and he was beyond relieved Will was finally at a point he could open up about this stuff. If he had just done that before, it would have saved a lot of heartache. He didn’t believe he and Justin would have ultimately survived because Justin was forced to learn about the horrors of life at a much more rapid pace than Will had, besides cancer. Even during his cancer battle, Luke and their family made sure he was wrapped in cotton wool so he was protected. Justin and Sasha, on the other hand, had face terrible stuff from childhood and he was pretty sure that’s how they came together and worked. They were on the same page, where Will had been chapters and chapters behind. He was still working through those chapters, and Luke was proud of him. “I have, yep. I’ve sponsored a few events for the charity. He’s just a placid kid. He hangs back and lets Justin do his thing. Most wouldn’t even notice him they weren’t looking for him or Justin wasn’t Plus Oneing him.”
“Plus Oneing him? How does someone Plus One someone?” Will laughed. He was looking at Luke again, not sure how much he should chip away here. “Did you like him? Does everyone like him?” These were his insecurities coming out. He had been worrying everyone would naturally compare Sasha to him. Will, the bad boyfriend, and Sasha, the good one. He was nervous about it because it sounded like he couldn’t live up. But then, he shouldn’t be trying either. Justin wasn’t his anymore, there was no score to settle. It was settled, done, buried. Will was pretty much a walking Adele song these days. Someone Like You was his soundtrack. He hoped one day he could sort his feelings out enough to fall in love again, but he knew that for awhile yet, he would probably compare everyone to Justin. More things he knew he had to work through as they came.
Luke gave his little brother a small smile, though his nod was reluctant. “I do, buddy. He’s a nice kid and I think he would make a good friend if you’re open to it. If he’s open to it. If Justin’s open to it. It’ll take a lot of maturity from all of you to pull it off, but I think you’re more than capable. If you want to get your friends back and get your life back on track. That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard. Hard isn’t always bad, though. Hard is sometimes just… necessary,” he said quietly, knowing that is exactly what happened with his marriage. Turned out, having a child didn’t make things better after all. It just made them harder and the love suffered. “Plus Oneing? You know, holding his hand while he mingles, bringing him drinks, including him in conversations, Sasha standing with him while he’s talking to important people. I don’t think Sasha’s naturally made for the spotlight. He just let’s Justin do his thing. They are seen together a lot, though. Sasha’s joined the ambassador team. He’s just… present. I don’t want you to be blindsided, mate. That’s all.”
Luke was trying to protect him, and Will appreciated it. It was what big brothers did. For a long time there, Will was so sure Luke would never speak to him again. He never stopped. Just because he was angry and disappointed didn’t mean Luke disowned him. Real families didn’t do that shit. But Will did need to be away to sort his shit out. “I’m not, and I think that’s why I can do this. I’m not deluding myself or trying to pretend it’s not happening. I just needed to see him. See how he was. Not that he let me in his head at all. Not really. He was honest, but he doesn’t trust me yet. He was more focused on a trip to Boston with Sasha, but that’s the thing. He arranged to meet me for coffee on Tuesday so we could talk more. He didn’t have to do that. And he said Sasha can fight his own battles too. When I offered to steer clear of him. It sounds like he’s been through a lot of shit lately, and he barely mentioned what. Just that he had been in hospital and his dad was sick. Oh, and his mom is back. They’re getting married again in Australia. Hayman Island. I told him about Kade and that I was trying to sort my shit out. Then Sasha called him and he had to go. So, I guess we didn’t cover much, but enough to know he doesn’t hate me and isn’t done talking to me.”
“Are you going to be okay, or are you just putting up a brave front? Very few people in this world do what you’re doing, buddy. I’m proud of you. It sounds like it’s more important to you to keep him in your life than lose him completely, though.” Luke located Milo’s missing sock down the side of the sofa and handed it over to Will. All this wasn’t a family dynamic he would have anticipated his life culminating in a few months back, but it felt right now. At first, in the early days when his marriage was failing, he almost considered throwing in the towel and moving back home to Sydney too because it was so hard to be a single parent and he felt like he was fucking it all up. Milo was a sick kid, which meant there were bad days. You didn’t just get to take the good days and be absent the bad, though. He learned that of all his dad mates. He also knew that he and Will were going to figure this shit out together. “Promise you aren’t going to put anyone in hospital with concussion if you’re at a friendly hang-out and they’re making out in front of you? You know, as teenagers do. Before you get old, cynical and too tired to even wank.”
Will smirked and shook his head. He was trying to pull Milo’s sock on, but the baby was wiggling his foot out of Will’s way and giggling around the pacifier because his foot was tickling. “Scout’s honour. Even if I haven’t been in Scouts for years. Maybe a bit of a brave front? If only because I didn’t expect him to look so… Justin. Hot and cute and talented. Like, just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean he’s stopped being the things I fell in love with. He didn’t talk about his Bipolar, though. At all. Just said he has good and bad days. That he wasn’t in hospital because of an attempt. Do you know how he’s been with it? It feels like it went too well with Justin, which probably means it’ll be Layla who kicks my arse and wants nothing to do with me. She tried to get me to see reason so many times and I ignored her too.”
“He had a psychotic episode in hospital. His whole system was scrambled with the bad medication reaction. He was in when I had Milo in for a few nights with a fever. I chatted with Mark a bit when I dropped by to see how he was doing. Justin was in a bad way at that point. He had a dangerously high fever and wasn’t breathing on his own. Irregular heartbeat too. That whole story is for Justin to tell you himself if he wants to, though. You’ve got to remember that bit, kiddo. Don’t trawl around behind his back trying to fill in the gaps. Let him be the one to get used to having you back too, get used to having you as a friend. He’s got to learn that just as much as you do, and he has massive trust issues.” Luke laughed tiredly and rubbed his eyes. “I don’t envy you that, mate. Don’t want to get her on a bad PMS day, she’ll take your head off… with her bear hands, and have a scary lesbian as back-up. And the rest of her girl brigade. Don’t get on the wrong side of them. Girl Power can be some scary-arsed shit.”
“I think he’s pooping. That wasn’t me,” Will said warily, looking down at Milo who was doing that red-faced concentration thing that came with one hell of a stink. “He definitely didn’t mention a psychotic episode. He barely mentioned anything about his health. Something bad happened? Yeah, I… that would be basic. He doesn’t tolerate basic. It would probably just shit him off that I’m not talking to him directly about it. I just don’t want to fuck up, you know? I just really did not expect him to actually talk to me. I guess it’s just waiting to see how Tuesday goes. He might sleep on it all and change his mind. Um… girl brigade? That sounds more than a little terrified and I think I might be at risk of losing my balls. There’s a girl brigade? Not just Lay and Maryanne?”
Luke was snickering. “Are you blaming your farts on a one-year old? That’s low, Willy. But what better reason to have a baby, huh? The rule is if he drops one on you, you have to change him.” He reached over and grabbed one of the nappies and wipes, dropping them on the carpet beside Will. His son was definitely pooping. He didn’t always have an easy time of it. Or he had a way too easy time. He liked to keep them on their toes, make life interesting. No better way to put some spice in a day than explosive baby diarrhoea. “I don’t think anything good happens with psychosis, but like I said, it’s not mine to tell. Mark said keeping Justin’s privacy with the whole thing was important. I know it’s easy to want to connect the dots so you’re not relying on him to talk to you about it, but a big part of friendship is trust and communication. You two need to re-learn that with each other. See how he is on Tuesday. It might be a bad day and doesn’t feel like talking at all. Yep, there’s Layla, Maryanne, Cassidy, and Amarlie. Sorry, mate, I’ve completely lost track of who you know in that bunch and who you don’t. They’ve multiplied like rabbits. When are you going to see her?”
Will moaned, scrunching his nose up. “C’mon, matey, be kind to your uncle, yeah?” He was looking at Luke, wondering what he might be talking about. He had never seen Justin psychotic. Not directly. He only heard the aftermath. He had, however, seen him borderline. Extremely manic that there was no reasoning with him, no rationality. That was scary enough. He was usually manic when he was the most suicidal. “I didn’t think about it like that. I knew he had to be different now. But there’s this whole big gap of time I know nothing of what happened with him. And I can tell a lot has happened. Every time something happens to him, he shifts. That’s always been. Shifts, but still manages to survive. He never believed he was strong, you know. Always told me he wasn’t when I tried to tell him. It took me ages to realise that strength means something different to him. I think to him, strength means overcoming everything. Survival isn’t strength to Justin. Survival just means he gets another shot at things. Sometimes, I’m not sure I ever fully knew him at all, with how easily I let it all come undone. He trusted me to know, and I didn’t throw him that lifeline when he needed it the most. And when I didn’t, Sasha stepped up instead. I guess I should try to see her as soon as I can before she gets wind I’m here and haven’t contacted her. Or should I wait until after I see Justin again on Tuesday? Fuck, I can’t do that, I start school on Monday. She’ll be there.”
“We’ll bath him when he’s done and give him his bottle. A dude can hope he might settle into an early night. And you need sleep too, buddy. Three nights hurling from nerves. Mum’ll fly over here to kick my arse for not looking after you properly and making sure you get plenty to eat and rest. Maybe Justin has always needed other people to be strong for him where he can’t be? That doesn’t mean it’s a job for only one person. You know what they say, it’s takes a village to raise a child. Maybe it takes a squad to give a sick kid strength. I hope Milo has that when he gets older. A bunch of friends like that lot who take care of each other unconditionally, know how to have fun, be there when everything feels like shit. Even if Sasha has the reigns now, mate, that doesn’t mean there’s no room there for you to help. Justin adores all his friends. There’s no reason why you wouldn’t be welcome there now you want to get your shit together and grow up a little. Learn from the fuck-ups. I think that’s what separates the good from the bad people in this world. The good know they have to learn from their fuck-ups. The bad blame everyone else for them and are never wrong and then make a habit of trying to tell everyone else to fuck up the same way they do. But then, I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in two months and I’m a little bit jaded with the world,” Luke said, trying to stifle a yawn. “Email her. Talk to her on Facebook. Go see her. Just do something before she sees you at school and learns you’re back like that. She stuck by you before anyone else did, Willy. You owe her that much.”
Will watched Luke with a frown of concern. “Why don’t you let me take care of him tonight? I can take that baby monitor thing to my room and listen for him. You still have to work and do everything, I haven’t been doing anything but stressing out over my past dickheadness. That’s part of why I’m here, remember? To help you with Milo. And I want to. I have so much time to make up for and being an uncle is one of my favourite things ever. Maybe I can even take him with me to see Layla? Not to use him as a buffer or anything. I just know she’d love to see him. Though, I’m realising she probably sees him a lot… life hasn’t stopped just because I haven’t been here. You look like death warmed up and you need to take care of yourself too, you know, for him. Let me help you, I promise I’m not a dumb kid anymore. Plus, I have my First Aid Certificate and Bronze Medallion now. If something happens, I know what to do to get help. Has Justin met him…?” The thought came out of nowhere. When Luke first adopted Milo, he always fantasised about he and Justin babysitting some time, but Justin was never keen. He said no one would want to leave him in the presence of their kids… completely forgetting how amazing he was with his little sister and baby Jack.
Luke was rubbing his forehead wearily, looking at Will uncertainly. He couldn’t deny it was a tempting offer, but it would be the first time he handed the reigns to Will for more than a few hours while he dropped in to work to make sure everything was going okay. Mostly, the bar was managed by a Manager he hired, but he still needed to be there frequently to keep his finger on the pulse. Something had to ultimately give and Milo and dadding was his priority. “I haven’t seen a lot of any of your mates since I separated. Normally, I’d see them at the bar frequently, sometimes the open mic nights or other musical events. Or if parties were being held there. Presley frequently rents the place out for private functions. But you’re right when you think a lot has been going on in their world recently too, so that stuff hasn’t been as often. Justin’s seen him a few times when I meet up with the other dads to blow off some steam. Layla, not so much. I think she feels awkward around me. Justin’s never treated me any different to how he did when you guys were together.” He sighed and knew he had to give a little here or Will would start feeling like he would never be trusted again. “Okay. But I want you to hike the volume right up and have it right next to you. And if there’s anything up with him that seems off, you come and get me, yeah? We got a deal? I’ll help you with the bath so you know his routine first, though.”
“Yep,” Will easily agreed, shifting to stand up. “Because we seriously need to do something about this nappy. How does that smell come out of him when he’s so freaking tiny? My god. It’s worse than bake beans farts. At least if I can’t sleep tonight, I’ve got a job to do. Besides… I think I want to try to write some again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to but seeing Justin today, I remembered how much he keeps going, even when he’s struggling. I don’t want to be a quitter anymore. I want to use the strength he taught me I could have. His other fans do it, right?”
“Worse than chemo farts,” Luke added, smirking. He stood too, but his rise was much more slow and made him feel old the way Will got up, even holding Milo in his arms. “Would it help if I told you Sasha has a book deal?”
Despite all his attempts to take the higher ground, Will immediately looked stunned, mouth dropping open. “What?! No one told me he was a writer. Is there nothing that bloke will not best me in? Bloody hell.” But he caught himself in his bitching and immediately looked sheepish, seeing the way Luke was smirking at him. It was a wind-up… right? “You’re pulling the piss. Bitch. Nice try.”
“I’m not, mate. But it’s not what you think. He’s writing a biography about living life with his dad in the wake of the accident. It just happened that way beyond Justin, his dad is still extremely relevant in the racing world and Sasha still has family status of his own. His exposure with Justin made his story appealing. People want to read it. That’s why publishers publish books. My point is, if a guy who isn’t even a writer can do it, and you are one and aren’t doing it… who’s coming out on top?” Luke reasoned and gave Will a soft nudge in the arm with his elbow. “But it’s something you could maybe talk to him about. “Maybe there’s a lot of people out there who would like to read a story about a kid who fought cancer, beat it, fell in love with a Tony Award winner, fucked a few things up, but then got his life back on track. Maybe someone who lost a friend to cancer might even want to read it.” He shrugged, giving Will a lingering, yet knowing, gaze and then disappeared up the hall to get Milo’s bath ready.
Will was bouncing Milo in his arms, but found him staring after his brother, his words hanging there, infiltrating his brain and niggling away there. He always looked up to Luke, trusted his opinion, followed his advice. Just like that, Luke planted a seed that took nothing to strike in Will’s heart and mind, getting under his skin. He was right. Sasha wasn’t the enemy anymore than Justin was. He was the guy who picked up the baton he dropped and took care of Justin when he needed it the most. He was probably the reason Justin was still breathing to this day. He had a story to tell too, and Will knew little of it. Everyone was fighting battle you knew nothing about. Milo grabbed his nose and Will gave him a smile. “What do you think, matey? Your dad’s a smartypants, huh? You think things might be okay with Uncle Justin and his guy? It won’t hurt to try, will it…”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Brotherly Bonding
Where: NYC
When: After this
Will was sitting on the living room floor in the middle of what looked like a baby store exploded around him. Countless toys - nothing isolated to gendered male toys either - some disposable nappies, baby wipes, a change mat, an open jar of baby food that was barely touch with a baby spoon sitting in it, five soiled bibs, one baby sock (fuck knows where the other went) and a large plush koala with a red t-shirt with Milo’s name embroidered on it that was bigger than Milo himself. Will decided he was going to nail this awesome uncle thing, but that didn’t mean he perfected the art just yet.
Milo was pulling himself up on furniture now and had grown so much since the last time Will saw him. He was still tiny for his age, and coming from a mother who had been addicted to drugs when she was pregnant with him did that. That didn’t make him less the best nephew in the entire world. On the contrary, he was adorable. Blonde hair, big blue eyes, long eyelashes, drooly smile, and giggles that Will thought was one of the best sounds in the world. “C’mon, buddy. You can do it. Look, just three or four steps and you’ll be here. I can catch you.” Will was trying to coax his nephew away from where he was holding himself up on the coffee table, holding his hands out to him. He got all of one and a bit steps before he fell on his butt again. “Ohhh! So close. Good job.”
Luke arrived home from work, dragging his feet wearily and dumped his bag on one of the armchairs. Will coming to live with him had turned out to be a massive help. He picked up some of the babysitting and Luke didn’t have to pay for a childcare worker, and one that specialised in kids with special needs too. He smiled at Will’s attempts to get Milo walking. “Getting there, buddy. I think we’re still a long way off. Slow and steady wins the race, matey, doesn’t it?” He crouched down to kiss Milo’s head and ruffled Will’s hair, analysing him as he flopped onto the sofa. “Well, how did it go? You don’t look like it went too bad. Or did he tell you to go fuck yourself on the Mars, and have his security team blow a rocket up your arse to get you there?”
Will scooped Milo into his arms and gave him a cuddle. He couldn’t not laugh at what Luke said, and then he smiled, nodding. “Yeah, it was good. At least, I think so. No rocket launchers up my arse, so that’s got to be progress, right? He didn’t tell me to fuck off or have me hauled away in handcuffs. He could, but he didn’t.”
“Bloody oath, mate. It wasn’t too long ago he actually did have someone hauled away by his security at a meet and greet. Caused a big shitstorm because no one knew why. Justin had some sort of secret squirrel blink code or something, and next thing everyone knew, security was pouncing and he was whisked away.” Luke had stopped in and picked up a coffee on his way home. Sleep was rationed these days. The single dad life was exhausting, especially when your kid was far off sleeping through the night. He wouldn’t change it for the world. Milo was his world now, but a lot of other things had to be sacrificed. He sipped from the grande double strength latte. “Was Sasha there?”
“No, which I guess probably made Justin a little less on guard. First thing he would’ve thought then was whether I was back for Round Two, which I hate. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop hating myself for hitting him. If it was Medieval times, we would probably duel for settling the score and he’d slice my head off with a sword,” Will said with a wry snort.
Luke just shook his head in amusement. “You watch too much Game of Thrones, mate. Christ. Did you talk, or the success was just him not telling you to fuck off? Granted, that could be classed as going well considering the mess you caused last time you were in his presence. But I don’t think he’s an unreasonable kid. You could’ve gotten him on a bad day, though.” He gestured to the open jar of baby food. “He’s not eating?”
Will shook his head, stroking Milo’s hair down as he bounced him a little in his lap. “Nah, he spat it out. He wasn’t impressed. Can’t say I would be either if someone offered that to me. It looks like cat poo.” He narrowed his eyes, trying to think back to the conversation with Justin. A lot was covered in a short space of time before Justin left. Mostly, Will was overwhelmed with relief that he even spoke to him and gave him the time of day. “We talked some. At first, I wasn’t sure he would. He kind of had this look on his face like he didn’t want to see me. I interrupted his training too, so I would’ve interrupted his zone. He’s pretty protective of his zone when he works. He was shocked. I mean, he wouldn’t not be. But he did hear me out, even if I don’t deserve it. He’s never been unreasonable, dude. Ever. He gives more than anyone realises, maybe more than anyone deserves. Definitely more than I deserve.”
Luke listened quietly, watching his baby brought for any cues that he was just putting up a front or exaggerating what really happened. He knew how hard it was for Will to face that. No one else would know Will had been up three nights straight puking his guts up out of nerves for seeing Justin again. “How did it feel to see him?” he murmured. “I know how how it was, buddy. I know that all the feelings you used to have would be just gone now. Shit doesn’t work like that.”
“It was hard,” Will confessed, looking up at Luke as he slipped Milo’s pacifier in his mouth. “It’s all still there. I still love him. But don’t worry, I know it’s over and I know there’s no going back. I’m just going to need time to get used to being here and without him. Without him loving me. He wasn’t hostile and he talked about hanging out with our friends again, so I think that meant he was okay with being friends. He said it before, but shat all over his offer. And I’d like to still be his friend. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean I stopped thinking he was amazing. Funny, and kind, and special. I had it all, and I fucked it over. So, yeah, it was really hard that he was right there, but he’s not mine anymore. But that’s what growing up is, isn’t it? How well you deal with the shit, especially the shit you created yourself.”
“Unfortunately, mate. Some days, life just plain sucks, I get it. But I also know that no matter how shit things went, he’s still always going to be special to you because you learned so much being with him. You had something really good. You don’t have to lose those memories. You’re going to find it tough seeing him with Sasha. How do you think you’ll go with that?” Luke asked. He promised their parents he would watch out for how Will was coping at every step of the way. All this was going to take a lot of emotional self-discovery and maturity, but Will hadn’t wavered on his resolve to do this. He had wanted more than anything to come back to New York and promised he wouldn’t fuck up and cause problems for Luke to deal with when Luke was already dealing with stressful shit with his own personal life. “I wanted to talk to you about that anyway. If him starting to date after things with you crashed and burned made you feel like he was replacing you with a better model. Dad’s words, not mine. None of us want you walking around boozing and swinging fists ever again, so if you’re angry, I want you to blow off the steam with me first, not with people who don’t deserve to cop it.”
Will nodded, nose scrunching up at the reminder of his past behaviour. “I hated being drunk, it felt horrible. Another reason he had to hate me. Justin, I mean. All his issues with it and I still did it to hurt him. It felt easier than seeing him with Sasha back then, yeah. But at the same time, I still wanted to see it. It sounds dumb, I know, but it was like I didn’t even believe it was true until I saw it. Then I didn’t just see it, I saw them kissing and something snapped in me. My sanity, obviously. Not that I’d say that to him when he’s sensitive about the whole psychosis thing. But I swear, I’ll do it. I’ll talk to you if I feel it, just like I should have back then. But I… I can’t feel bad about him being with Sasha. Because I asked him. I asked him if he was happy, and he got this… this look and smile on his face. One that I used to see all the time when he was with me, but hadn’t in a really long time. I could see it in his eyes. He’s really happy, bro. And at the end there with me, he was telling me he didn’t even bloody remember what happy felt like. All he was doing was trying to keep his head above water and be content, and I kept pushing him under. It makes me want to get to know Sasha more, because he’s got to be some incredible dude for nailing that. And I’ve had cancer, I should’ve been friendly to him losing his friend. Have you met him?”
While watching his son settle contently in his little brother’s arms, Luke was listening and he was beyond relieved Will was finally at a point he could open up about this stuff. If he had just done that before, it would have saved a lot of heartache. He didn’t believe he and Justin would have ultimately survived because Justin was forced to learn about the horrors of life at a much more rapid pace than Will had, besides cancer. Even during his cancer battle, Luke and their family made sure he was wrapped in cotton wool so he was protected. Justin and Sasha, on the other hand, had face terrible stuff from childhood and he was pretty sure that’s how they came together and worked. They were on the same page, where Will had been chapters and chapters behind. He was still working through those chapters, and Luke was proud of him. “I have, yep. I’ve sponsored a few events for the charity. He’s just a placid kid. He hangs back and lets Justin do his thing. Most wouldn’t even notice him they weren’t looking for him or Justin wasn’t Plus Oneing him.”
“Plus Oneing him? How does someone Plus One someone?” Will laughed. He was looking at Luke again, not sure how much he should chip away here. “Did you like him? Does everyone like him?” These were his insecurities coming out. He had been worrying everyone would naturally compare Sasha to him. Will, the bad boyfriend, and Sasha, the good one. He was nervous about it because it sounded like he couldn’t live up. But then, he shouldn’t be trying either. Justin wasn’t his anymore, there was no score to settle. It was settled, done, buried. Will was pretty much a walking Adele song these days. Someone Like You was his soundtrack. He hoped one day he could sort his feelings out enough to fall in love again, but he knew that for awhile yet, he would probably compare everyone to Justin. More things he knew he had to work through as they came.
Luke gave his little brother a small smile, though his nod was reluctant. “I do, buddy. He’s a nice kid and I think he would make a good friend if you’re open to it. If he’s open to it. If Justin’s open to it. It’ll take a lot of maturity from all of you to pull it off, but I think you’re more than capable. If you want to get your friends back and get your life back on track. That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard. Hard isn’t always bad, though. Hard is sometimes just… necessary,” he said quietly, knowing that is exactly what happened with his marriage. Turned out, having a child didn’t make things better after all. It just made them harder and the love suffered. “Plus Oneing? You know, holding his hand while he mingles, bringing him drinks, including him in conversations, Sasha standing with him while he’s talking to important people. I don’t think Sasha’s naturally made for the spotlight. He just let’s Justin do his thing. They are seen together a lot, though. Sasha’s joined the ambassador team. He’s just… present. I don’t want you to be blindsided, mate. That’s all.”
Luke was trying to protect him, and Will appreciated it. It was what big brothers did. For a long time there, Will was so sure Luke would never speak to him again. He never stopped. Just because he was angry and disappointed didn’t mean Luke disowned him. Real families didn’t do that shit. But Will did need to be away to sort his shit out. “I’m not, and I think that’s why I can do this. I’m not deluding myself or trying to pretend it’s not happening. I just needed to see him. See how he was. Not that he let me in his head at all. Not really. He was honest, but he doesn’t trust me yet. He was more focused on a trip to Boston with Sasha, but that’s the thing. He arranged to meet me for coffee on Tuesday so we could talk more. He didn’t have to do that. And he said Sasha can fight his own battles too. When I offered to steer clear of him. It sounds like he’s been through a lot of shit lately, and he barely mentioned what. Just that he had been in hospital and his dad was sick. Oh, and his mom is back. They’re getting married again in Australia. Hayman Island. I told him about Kade and that I was trying to sort my shit out. Then Sasha called him and he had to go. So, I guess we didn’t cover much, but enough to know he doesn’t hate me and isn’t done talking to me.”
“Are you going to be okay, or are you just putting up a brave front? Very few people in this world do what you’re doing, buddy. I’m proud of you. It sounds like it’s more important to you to keep him in your life than lose him completely, though.” Luke located Milo’s missing sock down the side of the sofa and handed it over to Will. All this wasn’t a family dynamic he would have anticipated his life culminating in a few months back, but it felt right now. At first, in the early days when his marriage was failing, he almost considered throwing in the towel and moving back home to Sydney too because it was so hard to be a single parent and he felt like he was fucking it all up. Milo was a sick kid, which meant there were bad days. You didn’t just get to take the good days and be absent the bad, though. He learned that of all his dad mates. He also knew that he and Will were going to figure this shit out together. “Promise you aren’t going to put anyone in hospital with concussion if you’re at a friendly hang-out and they’re making out in front of you? You know, as teenagers do. Before you get old, cynical and too tired to even wank.”
Will smirked and shook his head. He was trying to pull Milo’s sock on, but the baby was wiggling his foot out of Will’s way and giggling around the pacifier because his foot was tickling. “Scout’s honour. Even if I haven’t been in Scouts for years. Maybe a bit of a brave front? If only because I didn’t expect him to look so… Justin. Hot and cute and talented. Like, just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean he’s stopped being the things I fell in love with. He didn’t talk about his Bipolar, though. At all. Just said he has good and bad days. That he wasn’t in hospital because of an attempt. Do you know how he’s been with it? It feels like it went too well with Justin, which probably means it’ll be Layla who kicks my arse and wants nothing to do with me. She tried to get me to see reason so many times and I ignored her too.”
“He had a psychotic episode in hospital. His whole system was scrambled with the bad medication reaction. He was in when I had Milo in for a few nights with a fever. I chatted with Mark a bit when I dropped by to see how he was doing. Justin was in a bad way at that point. He had a dangerously high fever and wasn’t breathing on his own. Irregular heartbeat too. That whole story is for Justin to tell you himself if he wants to, though. You’ve got to remember that bit, kiddo. Don’t trawl around behind his back trying to fill in the gaps. Let him be the one to get used to having you back too, get used to having you as a friend. He’s got to learn that just as much as you do, and he has massive trust issues.” Luke laughed tiredly and rubbed his eyes. “I don’t envy you that, mate. Don’t want to get her on a bad PMS day, she’ll take your head off… with her bear hands, and have a scary lesbian as back-up. And the rest of her girl brigade. Don’t get on the wrong side of them. Girl Power can be some scary-arsed shit.”
“I think he’s pooping. That wasn’t me,” Will said warily, looking down at Milo who was doing that red-faced concentration thing that came with one hell of a stink. “He definitely didn’t mention a psychotic episode. He barely mentioned anything about his health. Something bad happened? Yeah, I… that would be basic. He doesn’t tolerate basic. It would probably just shit him off that I’m not talking to him directly about it. I just don’t want to fuck up, you know? I just really did not expect him to actually talk to me. I guess it’s just waiting to see how Tuesday goes. He might sleep on it all and change his mind. Um… girl brigade? That sounds more than a little terrified and I think I might be at risk of losing my balls. There’s a girl brigade? Not just Lay and Maryanne?”
Luke was snickering. “Are you blaming your farts on a one-year old? That’s low, Willy. But what better reason to have a baby, huh? The rule is if he drops one on you, you have to change him.” He reached over and grabbed one of the nappies and wipes, dropping them on the carpet beside Will. His son was definitely pooping. He didn’t always have an easy time of it. Or he had a way too easy time. He liked to keep them on their toes, make life interesting. No better way to put some spice in a day than explosive baby diarrhoea. “I don’t think anything good happens with psychosis, but like I said, it’s not mine to tell. Mark said keeping Justin’s privacy with the whole thing was important. I know it’s easy to want to connect the dots so you’re not relying on him to talk to you about it, but a big part of friendship is trust and communication. You two need to re-learn that with each other. See how he is on Tuesday. It might be a bad day and doesn’t feel like talking at all. Yep, there’s Layla, Maryanne, Cassidy, and Amarlie. Sorry, mate, I’ve completely lost track of who you know in that bunch and who you don’t. They’ve multiplied like rabbits. When are you going to see her?”
Will moaned, scrunching his nose up. “C’mon, matey, be kind to your uncle, yeah?” He was looking at Luke, wondering what he might be talking about. He had never seen Justin psychotic. Not directly. He only heard the aftermath. He had, however, seen him borderline. Extremely manic that there was no reasoning with him, no rationality. That was scary enough. He was usually manic when he was the most suicidal. “I didn’t think about it like that. I knew he had to be different now. But there’s this whole big gap of time I know nothing of what happened with him. And I can tell a lot has happened. Every time something happens to him, he shifts. That’s always been. Shifts, but still manages to survive. He never believed he was strong, you know. Always told me he wasn’t when I tried to tell him. It took me ages to realise that strength means something different to him. I think to him, strength means overcoming everything. Survival isn’t strength to Justin. Survival just means he gets another shot at things. Sometimes, I’m not sure I ever fully knew him at all, with how easily I let it all come undone. He trusted me to know, and I didn’t throw him that lifeline when he needed it the most. And when I didn’t, Sasha stepped up instead. I guess I should try to see her as soon as I can before she gets wind I’m here and haven’t contacted her. Or should I wait until after I see Justin again on Tuesday? Fuck, I can’t do that, I start school on Monday. She’ll be there.”
“We’ll bath him when he’s done and give him his bottle. A dude can hope he might settle into an early night. And you need sleep too, buddy. Three nights hurling from nerves. Mum’ll fly over here to kick my arse for not looking after you properly and making sure you get plenty to eat and rest. Maybe Justin has always needed other people to be strong for him where he can’t be? That doesn’t mean it’s a job for only one person. You know what they say, it’s takes a village to raise a child. Maybe it takes a squad to give a sick kid strength. I hope Milo has that when he gets older. A bunch of friends like that lot who take care of each other unconditionally, know how to have fun, be there when everything feels like shit. Even if Sasha has the reigns now, mate, that doesn’t mean there’s no room there for you to help. Justin adores all his friends. There’s no reason why you wouldn’t be welcome there now you want to get your shit together and grow up a little. Learn from the fuck-ups. I think that’s what separates the good from the bad people in this world. The good know they have to learn from their fuck-ups. The bad blame everyone else for them and are never wrong and then make a habit of trying to tell everyone else to fuck up the same way they do. But then, I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in two months and I’m a little bit jaded with the world,” Luke said, trying to stifle a yawn. “Email her. Talk to her on Facebook. Go see her. Just do something before she sees you at school and learns you’re back like that. She stuck by you before anyone else did, Willy. You owe her that much.”
Will watched Luke with a frown of concern. “Why don’t you let me take care of him tonight? I can take that baby monitor thing to my room and listen for him. You still have to work and do everything, I haven’t been doing anything but stressing out over my past dickheadness. That’s part of why I’m here, remember? To help you with Milo. And I want to. I have so much time to make up for and being an uncle is one of my favourite things ever. Maybe I can even take him with me to see Layla? Not to use him as a buffer or anything. I just know she’d love to see him. Though, I’m realising she probably sees him a lot… life hasn’t stopped just because I haven’t been here. You look like death warmed up and you need to take care of yourself too, you know, for him. Let me help you, I promise I’m not a dumb kid anymore. Plus, I have my First Aid Certificate and Bronze Medallion now. If something happens, I know what to do to get help. Has Justin met him…?” The thought came out of nowhere. When Luke first adopted Milo, he always fantasised about he and Justin babysitting some time, but Justin was never keen. He said no one would want to leave him in the presence of their kids… completely forgetting how amazing he was with his little sister and baby Jack.
Luke was rubbing his forehead wearily, looking at Will uncertainly. He couldn’t deny it was a tempting offer, but it would be the first time he handed the reigns to Will for more than a few hours while he dropped in to work to make sure everything was going okay. Mostly, the bar was managed by a Manager he hired, but he still needed to be there frequently to keep his finger on the pulse. Something had to ultimately give and Milo and dadding was his priority. “I haven’t seen a lot of any of your mates since I separated. Normally, I’d see them at the bar frequently, sometimes the open mic nights or other musical events. Or if parties were being held there. Presley frequently rents the place out for private functions. But you’re right when you think a lot has been going on in their world recently too, so that stuff hasn’t been as often. Justin’s seen him a few times when I meet up with the other dads to blow off some steam. Layla, not so much. I think she feels awkward around me. Justin’s never treated me any different to how he did when you guys were together.” He sighed and knew he had to give a little here or Will would start feeling like he would never be trusted again. “Okay. But I want you to hike the volume right up and have it right next to you. And if there’s anything up with him that seems off, you come and get me, yeah? We got a deal? I’ll help you with the bath so you know his routine first, though.”
“Yep,” Will easily agreed, shifting to stand up. “Because we seriously need to do something about this nappy. How does that smell come out of him when he’s so freaking tiny? My god. It’s worse than bake beans farts. At least if I can’t sleep tonight, I’ve got a job to do. Besides… I think I want to try to write some again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to but seeing Justin today, I remembered how much he keeps going, even when he’s struggling. I don’t want to be a quitter anymore. I want to use the strength he taught me I could have. His other fans do it, right?”
“Worse than chemo farts,” Luke added, smirking. He stood too, but his rise was much more slow and made him feel old the way Will got up, even holding Milo in his arms. “Would it help if I told you Sasha has a book deal?”
Despite all his attempts to take the higher ground, Will immediately looked stunned, mouth dropping open. “What?! No one told me he was a writer. Is there nothing that bloke will not best me in? Bloody hell.” But he caught himself in his bitching and immediately looked sheepish, seeing the way Luke was smirking at him. It was a wind-up… right? “You’re pulling the piss. Bitch. Nice try.”
“I’m not, mate. But it’s not what you think. He’s writing a biography about living life with his dad in the wake of the accident. It just happened that way beyond Justin, his dad is still extremely relevant in the racing world and Sasha still has family status of his own. His exposure with Justin made his story appealing. People want to read it. That’s why publishers publish books. My point is, if a guy who isn’t even a writer can do it, and you are one and aren’t doing it… who’s coming out on top?” Luke reasoned and gave Will a soft nudge in the arm with his elbow. “But it’s something you could maybe talk to him about. “Maybe there’s a lot of people out there who would like to read a story about a kid who fought cancer, beat it, fell in love with a Tony Award winner, fucked a few things up, but then got his life back on track. Maybe someone who lost a friend to cancer might even want to read it.” He shrugged, giving Will a lingering, yet knowing, gaze and then disappeared up the hall to get Milo’s bath ready.
Will was bouncing Milo in his arms, but found him staring after his brother, his words hanging there, infiltrating his brain and niggling away there. He always looked up to Luke, trusted his opinion, followed his advice. Just like that, Luke planted a seed that took nothing to strike in Will’s heart and mind, getting under his skin. He was right. Sasha wasn’t the enemy anymore than Justin was. He was the guy who picked up the baton he dropped and took care of Justin when he needed it the most. He was probably the reason Justin was still breathing to this day. He had a story to tell too, and Will knew little of it. Everyone was fighting battle you knew nothing about. Milo grabbed his nose and Will gave him a smile. “What do you think, matey? Your dad’s a smartypants, huh? You think things might be okay with Uncle Justin and his guy? It won’t hurt to try, will it…”
LOG, COMPLETE