"No one to run with..."

[likefatherlikeson]

Who: Justin Campbell and Billy Willis
What: Moral support
Where: Billy's place
When: Very early Saturday morning

Justin had been running since sunrise. He had been ready to go since before the sun was up, but his dad had made him promise many times to never be out alone in the dark. It was was colder than en eskimo's ass cheek, but he couldn't really feel it. Central Park was a good place to just run to nothing. He had been doing this a lot since he recovered because Nate told him adrenaline was a healthy hormone to help balance his mind, though he had to be careful not to fall into the trap of over-exercising because adrenaline could be just as addictive as any substance to someone with bipolar.

He didn't know if he was trying to think better or not think at all. His moods had been teetering the last few days, but he was aware of it. That was a good start. Maybe the break from work had been more counter-productive than anything else because he had gone from hectic schedule to cold turkey. His attempt at relaxation with Will had been fucked up so it added pressure to him rather than given him any sort of way to switch off from work. He had jumped at the chance to do the Christmas concert because it was something, only to discover he suffered stage fright.

On top of that, he had met Bryce, who had been so kind in trying to help him... only to hear he had a brain tumour that he would die from if he didn't have this serious surgery which was scheduled for that morning at the same hospital his Uncle Sam worked. That was upsetting Justin more than he could put into words because life could be precarious, and that really scared him. The thought of losing people in his life that he loved terrified him, but it could happen, couldn't it?

Perhaps the only thing that stopped Justin kicking into crazy exercise mod was warning himself that he didn't want to end up hurt or sick and be out for opening night. He didn't want to screw that up this time. He pushed himself too far, because he could feel that dizzy sick feeling come over him. He ran out of water awhile ago. So he exited Central Park, sweaty and aching, running the couple of blocks to show up on Billy's doorstep at an ungodly, unforgivable hour on a Saturday morning, but Justin's awareness of time faltered when he had so much else going on in his mind.

Billy quite obviously dragged himself out of bed in a rush. His hair was a complete mess, he needed a shave, and the pyjama pants he had on were inside out. It was probably a deep sleep he was woken from too, because he had these creased all up one side of his body right to his face. Justin was panting for breath, sweat pouring off him and dripping into his eyes. "Are you scared about opening night? A-About... fucking up? Or is it just me who seems to fuck everything else up, so it's like a given?"

Comments

[tomorrowneverknows]

Billy's brain wasn't really working. The lights were on but no one was home. He wasn't a fan of the cold on any given day, so to come out of the warm cocoon he had been in with Ajay to have his bare chest hit with the offending chill of the hallway was cockblocking free-thinking too. "Justin..." he said huskily with a confused look of concern. He wrapped his arm around Justin's shoulders and scooped him inside the apartment to close the door over. Justin didn't look like he needed warming up at all, though. He was sweating, breathless, bright red in the face and in running gear. "What are you doing up at this hour when you're supposed to be getting plenty of rest? Does your dad know where you are? Does anyone know where you are?"

He was fussing over the teen, because Justin had become a bit like a little brother to him since he began working with him. There was a posse of them that were like his protection team and they worried about him from afar. But he had been doing so well, until he had passed out and Caden sent him home. "Come in, I'll get you something to drink before you keel over on me again." He led Justin into the kitchen and park him on one of the stools at the counter where he presented him with a large glass of water. "I'm terrified about opening night, kiddo. You know that's normal, right? If there is anything in your life you won't fuck up, it's this."

[likefatherlikeson]

"Been up for ages. I left a note. Dad has GPS tracking on my phone anyway," Justin explained once he was seated, and held his phone up for Billy to see a text that just came from his dad: Let me know when you leave Billy's. I'll pick you up. Love, Dad. He dropped the phone onto the counter and took a large drink of the water. His heart was still beating wildly to the point he could feel it throbbing in his ears and up around his neck. He tried to catch his breath, but he hadn't settled enough yet so he just had another drink. "Sorry I woke you up. I just... I dunno. Kinda brain-fried," he tried to explain, gesturing to his head.

He looked up at Billy and then shook his head. "No, I don't really know if it's normal to be thinking and feeling like this. Usually if I start feeling like this, it's anything but normal. There's just a lot going on, and a friend of mine... well, sort of. I just met him, but it's still a big deal. He's going to have surgery today and there's a chance he might die if it doesn't go right, so I can't stop thinking about it. There's other stuff too. I feel like I had all my shit together, and now it feels like it's bleeding out my ears again in a crazy overwhelming mess. I got stage fright at the concert. I got it so bad, I puked."

[tomorrowneverknows]

Billy checked the message on Justin's phone, a little sigh of relief escaping that 1) Justin's dad knew where he was so he wasn't in a complete panic somewhere (the dude had not long ago had a heart attack!) and 2) there was the GPS thing. Justin didn't seem to mind it either. It was just a thing that had to be. That was something Billy had noticed distinctly having more and more time with Justin while they worked. There were a lot of little logistical things in place around Justin to keep him well and safe which he rolled with. There was acceptance about his illness now that hadn't been there for months after the diagnosis. "Shhh, no. It's okay. I meant it when I said if you ever needed me, I'm here. Ajay's probably grateful of the snooze without me spooning him anyway. Come through the living room and sit in a comfy chair while you cool off."

He grabbed a clean towel from the linen press in the hall so Justin could wipe his face. "Take your shoes off, try to chill out a bit for me, kiddo. Do you think you're getting sick again? Is that what your brain feels like? Tell me about your friend who's sick. It might help to talk it out, get the feelings out loud. Hey, if you puke on opening night, there's a good chance I might be right there with you. You want to nail this, and even though you've got it, and you live and breathe the material, that's not going to stop you worrying you will screw up."

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin looked at Billy guiltily. "Did I wake him up? I'm sorry. Will you tell him I'm sorry? Things are going okay with you guys, right? I saw you say you had a ncie Christmas, which is really cool. He didn't seem to want to deal with it. I know that feeling. Some days, things just seem too much to want to bother with. I kind of just ignored everything yesterday when it was supposed to be a big family thing."

"Yes... maybe... sort of. A bit, but not like before. I just feel like everything is going mental. It was all good, now it all feels like it's fucking up again. I feel like I'm on this treadmill. You know how you get on one and you sort of have that shaky bit at the start before you find the groove and then you're fine? Only, once you get that rhythm, if you put a foot wrong, you fall over and that bitch shoots you off the back in a fucked up mess? That's me. That's how I keep feeling. Like, this fucking treadmill only ever lets me go so far before it's making me trip and fly of the fucker and making me roadkill all over again. It was going good. Why isn't it going good anymore?" he asked helplessly, rubbing the towel roughly over his face to try to get rid of some of the sweat.

[tomorrowneverknows]

"No, you didn't wake him up. Not even nearly. Christmas left him pretty wrecked. Your family would have understood if you weren't up to it, buddy. They know how hard you're working at the moment. Christmas is just down a few rungs on your priority ladder right now. Was it everything feeling overwhelming that made you not feel like getting up, or you were just too tired? You had to have put in a damn few good hours of hard work to get ready for that Christmas concert last minute. I probably would have slept the day away too," Billy ask, leaning forward where he was sitting so Justin had his full attention.

His heart went out to the lad. If he needed Billy for a sounding board, then Billy was going to be there for him the whole way. "But is it going bad?" he asked. "There can be a big grey area between not good and bad. It sounds like you're overwhelmed and things are going quickly before you have a chance to process it all. If you think you might be getting sick, do you need to see your doctor? Or have a chat with your therapist. Just because it's Christmas, doesn't mean they won't see you. Would talking to Caden help? He's there for you, Justin. We all are, mate. You know that, right?" he asked, reaching over to rest his hand on Justin's shoulder.

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin nodded, relieved that he hadn't bothered Ajay too. Bothering Billy was enough, but now he had gotten the bothering bit over, he was glad Billy was okay to sit with him and hear him out for a little while. He wiped at his face again and then had some more water while he kicked off his shoes like Billy had suggested. Toes hooked into the ankles of them, they were just flicked off haphazardly without much thought. "I don't really know. All of it on some level, I guess. Everything felt too hard. The concert was okay, something to focus on. At least until I started freaking the fuck out about it."

"Some of it's going bad. Not all of it. Some of it is just..." He shook his head. "I'm just angry about it. It doesn't matter. What the fuck ever. I don't know! I don't know. Just... slow down a bit. I can't keep up with other people's brains when mine is already on the treadmill of fuck. I need to stand. Sorry. I just feel restless." He stood up and went over to the window, pacing back and forth while he played with the leather bracelet around his wrist. "I know everyone is there for me. Sometimes it's possible to have too many people trying to help because I lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing."

[tomorrowneverknows]

"When did you start freaking out?" Billy asked, his eyes following Justin as he paced. He wasn't going to stop him. Why should he? Billy didn't know what it was like to live in Justin's head, just like he didn't know what it was like to live in Ajay's head. "I just want you to know, buddy, that I don't know what this is like for you... not even close. But now that I've been spending more time with Ajay, seeing how he copes, I have a better understanding of how hard all this has to be. Plus, I still owe you one for having a chat with him that day at the theatre when I couldn't keep my lips to myself. What I've learnt about your troubles has helped me better with helping Ajay."

He nodded apologetically. "Okay, I'm sorry. I'll slow it down. You can lead me here as much as you want. Is it the stage fright you want to talk about? Do you think that's compounding on all the other stuff getting in the way? It doesn't make you weak, Jus. Opening night's a first for you, and for me too. Firsts are always scary and worrying. It's the fear of the unknown. You can be made to be on stage and still be scared of it."

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin stopped by the window, planting his hands on the sill and looking out at the street. "I guess when I passed out and Caden told me to rest for the last week. Before that, I didn't have to think about how much time wasn't left. Then suddenly it felt really close. It was like I didn't have enough time left to prepare, but I'm not sure I would ever have felt like I had enough time. And I know... I know I passed out because I was pushing myself. There's this part of my brain that alerts me to the rational shit, but the rest of the brain doesn't really connect to it. Then this thing happened to Will and we... we didn't even have a fight, things just fell apart. That's not the reason I'm sick. I don't know what the reason is. Maybe it's a lot of little reasons, none of which feel like resting is the answer to."

He turned to look at Billy. "I think you're great for wanting to help Ajay. I know he's got to be feeling like it's too much for you, and he shouldn't be... putting his crazy on you and bringing you down. Sorry, I don't know a better, more classy way of putting that. That's how it feels in your head when you're sick like he and I are. But I don't know anything about eating disorders, so I get that it's probably a really hard thing for you to have feelings for him... love him... and see him hurting himself like that. I know what it's like to want to help someone and they push you away. I hope he lets you help, and I hope it gets easier for you to wrap your head around so you can help him."

[tomorrowneverknows]

Billy frowned a little at hearing Justin had been having some problems with Will. Things 'fell apart' sounded pretty damn intense, but Justin had said they broke up. Whatever happened, Justin didn't feel it was contributing to him becoming ill again, which said a lot. "It still had to have added stress on you though, buddy. It's tough business when you're having problems with someone you love and even if it's not causing the problem, the fact of the matter is that you don't have Will there to lean on like you usually would. You have a fuck load of pressure on you, J. More than any of us because you're the lead of the play. You're looking for help, though, and that's the best thing you can do if you're confused and scared."

Justin was such a sweet kid. So very much in pain but still a good person through it all. "It is hard. It's been much harder before than it is now because he's opening up to me little by little, but I'm willing to take it at whatever pace he needs to. He's amazing and it's so outwith my understanding of how to live like that, but I still want to help. He's letting me help, but not all the time. That's usually when I can tell he's having a bad day. That's something he would really understand with you. The bad days. The world just seems too hard."