"I'm stuck beneath it all."

[tomorrowneverknows]

Who: Billy Willis and Justin Campbell
What: Food for thought
Where: Campbell home
When: Saturday morning

For the past week, Billy had been debating with himself about whether he should talk to Gen about Ajay. What he had managed to deduce was that Ajay had come to New York with this big reveal for Gen, but that perhaps Gen didn't realise the enormity of what he was telling her, Ajay shut down, threw up the walls again, and went out to get shot after a massive binge following a failed group therapy. Now he didn't want to bother Gen with anything, and even seemed to be saying things that suggested he felt like he was insignificant to her now, and deserved it because he walked out on her. She had too much going on, why would she want to bother with him?

On one hand, it didn't feel like Billy's business to stick his nose in, but on the other, maybe Gen needed to know how sick Ajay really was and not just a random eating disorder that would get better with a bit of therapy and avoiding junk food. Maybe she needed to understand that not reciprocating more or even checking in on him would only be making him convinced his mindset was correct. So, after telling Jude he had to stay with Ajay for a couple of hours (even if Ajay was crashed out after another intense therapy session with Gabe), and now he was here to try to figure out how to have some sort of subtle word with Gen about business that wasn't his.

It was Justin who answered the door to him, though. "Hey, buddy. How are you feeling? Still shitty?" he asked, giving Justin's hair a brother-like ruffle. "Where's your mom?"

Comments

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin hadn't seen Billy in ages. Actually, it was probably before he ended up in hospital again. He thought the guy was way cool and he often hung out with Billy at his mom's office when she was busy and he was waiting for her. Billy had just become part of the family, so he didn't mind that he was in his pyjamas. He had been at the Footloose auditions with Caden and Casper the whole day before and now he was paying for it. He was tired and achy, feeling crap. He was giving the auditions a miss today because it was just for the supporting roles of Arial's friends. Tomorrow would be the big one, trying to fill the role Paul had left vacant and it was a really sensitive spot for Justin, understandably. But he wanted to face it. Only if, under strict orders from both his parents and Caden, if he rested today.

"She's gone on a brunch date with Dad and then they're taking Jamie somewhere. It's Dad's weekend with her, but she can't come here, because I've got sick cooties," he lamented wryly because he hadn't seen his sister in weeks now. "Uncle Sam's here with me, he's doing some doctor research thingo in the kitchen. You can call her, she's got her cell with her. I feel like crap today. I was sitting in on auditions with Caden yesterday, and that shit's exhausting. You wanna come in?"

[tomorrowneverknows]

"Sure, that'd be cool, J," Billy replied with a smile, following Justin inside. "Now, where were you? Bed, sofa? I'm depositing your butt right back there because I don't want your mom to flay me alive for cockblocking your rest. Sofa," he guessed when he spotted the big mound of blankets a quilt with the television playing on quiet. The poor kid hadn't gotten the shine in his eyes or the colour in his cheeks back yet, but he looked a lot better than when Billy had last seen him, which was in the hospital when he was in the ICU. He had gone to see if Gen needed him to do anything, and she had, tying up some things that had been left hanging when Justin's tragedy went down. He looked dead then. Billy hadn't been convinced the poor kid would survive, and it had been heartbreaking to realise he hadn't wanted to.

He pulled the blankets back and gestured for Justin to lie down again. "It's okay, I can talk to her when she's not busy. Auditions, huh? Your opening night's getting closer and closer. Nervous?" he asked, sitting down on the armchair nearby once he was satisfied Justin was resting again. The kid was amazing, dripping in talent. He was exactly the reason that Billy was pretty sure he had no hope in hell of becoming a professional actor. His own skills paled in comparison. Justin had a lot of self-hatred, just like Ajay, but that could never kill out the innate talent he had. That was when it dawned on him how similar Justin and Ajay's battles were, and he found himself looking Justin over, trying to convince himself Ajay could get back on track like Justin was.

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin had ended up on the sofa because the TV in his bedroom was broken and needed replacing. It had been a staple for him while he was sick, especially on the days when all he had been able to do was lie in bed. He had watched a lot of his favourite movies, and Footloose had been watched repeatedly so he didn't lost touch with the music. Then he had watched Grease a few times because Caden was starting that on Broadway too, and Justin was nervous because he was going to meet Romeo Dalton at the end of the week, who was a Broadway superstar. He would never be that good.

Once he was settled, he gave Billy a nod, scrunching his nose up. "Getting really nervous. But I'm kind of more nervous about what will happen with all these auditions. Caden's been asking me what I think of the short-listers, and I'm just scared they all might want to, I dunno, take me down too. Like the last guy," he mumbled, scratching his fingers through his hair. "Caden said he won't let that happen, but it makes me nervous. He even said I could get up there at the audition and put them through the ringer if I want to. But I don't know..."

[tomorrowneverknows]

The poor kid. He just dripped with anxiety and self-doubt. Billy had to give it to him for still pushing on with this, because it was what he was destined for. That didn't mean he wasn't going to have hurdles and roadblocks along the way. But after everything, everyone knew that and knew that Justin would need a different way of facing life in general. After reading Harley's interview with Justin in the latest edition of the magazine, Billy had seen just how much Justin had to see life through in different ways. In fact, maybe it would help Ajay to read that interview? Maybe Ajay even needed to meet Justin... annnnnd, Billy needed to stop sticking his nose in like this or it was going to fall off.

"Why not, buddy? They should know what they need to work with. You're the lead act, everyone on the cast has to be compatible with you, and if they suck at audition, it weeds them out. On the same token, at audition, it will help you get a feel for who you have chemistry with. Gen tells me you know the material back-to-front and inside out. If they can't keep up with you, Caden can tell them to take a hike. Is it just that part you're nervous about? No one is going to take you down. You're going to be up there and take Broadway by storm. Because that script is like a bible to you, and you probably have a copy somewhere around here that is so scummy and embarrassingly worn out that it's practically an value archive now. Whip it out, give me a look."

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin's forehead creased as he looked over at Billy intently, listening. He reached down to the floor and picked up his very, very well-worn script that was dog-eared, creased, ripped, with spills and smudges all over it. It was the first copy he had gotten and he refused to rely on any other because maybe he had a slight inner superstition about that. Not that it mattered when the whole thing had crashed and burned anyway. He handed it over to Billy sheepishly. "I know it sounds stupid, but I always kept it with me in case I started to forget things. When it felt like my mind was hazy, especially when I started to get sick and... and, um, using and drinking again, I worried even more."

"The last guy wanted to take my part and he was awful. He... yeah," he mumbled and then sighed sharply. He was working on trying to talk more about it, but that particular part of things, he just didn't like to outright talk about. "I'm worried I'm not going to feel comfortable up there with anyone in that role, and then make everything harder for Caden than I already have. It's the part of Ren's best friend, Willard. So, it's kind of key and with all the PR around the play, and the fact Romeo Dalton's leading Caden's other production, the spotlight it on Caden's work right now. Plus, my article and stuff. So, basically, the auditions have been huge."

[tomorrowneverknows]

Billy took the script and seized the opportunity to give Justin's hand a reassuring pat. "Hey, it doesn't sound stupid, kiddo. Not even remotely. You've been sick and your mind has been playing a hell of a lot of tricks on you. You're an artist, you need to find your own little quirks for you that work for you. There is no two actors or musicians or artists the same in the whole world. Plus, you've never done this before, so you don't have anything to draw on. You just need to find the way the works better for you, and if you need to keep this close, then I think that's actually pretty damn cool because in ten years time, you can sell this on eBay and make a fortune," he joked, giving the teen a wink.

He flicked through it, realising this was the first time he had his hands on an actual Broadway script. He was almost having a fangasm here. "Well, I have a bit of audition experience. Why don't I drop by in the morning and you can test drive on me? From there on, it'll be a breeze for you. Promise, I won't try to take your part from me, because you have more talent in your pinky toe than I do all over. Maybe I could even bring someone along for moral support. He gets what it's like to go through a rough time like you. He'll be rooting for you too. Then Caden can boot me out for tainting his Broadway stage," he added, smirking.

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin gave Billy a smile. Billy was always such a friendly guy, listened to Justin from the first day he met him. In those early days, Justin had been so wary too, barely saying a word to anyone on the first trip to his mom's office. Anyone but Billy, though. Billy chatted away to him so Justin only had to listen, and it was something Justin never forgot. Since then, whenever he dropped buy, Billy would always ask him how he was and what he was up to, and Justin could just tell it wasn't lipservice. He was genuinely interested. It was nice to chat about this with him, rather than stewing on it over and over. "No one will pay anything for that. I don't even know what those smudges are. It's gross."

His eyebrows shot up. "You have audition experience? In theatre? Really?!" His voice had risen in his surprise and he was now looking over at Billy, intrigued. "You can act? You would do that for me? You've got to be really busy, though. I know the magazine's real busy. Who is the person? Your boyfriend? Does he have bipolar like me?" He had this habit of blurting out 20 questions sometimes. When he was well, he was a lot more lively than when he wasn't, which was the polar opposite (hence bipolar) and he barely spoke. He had no idea Billy had an interest in theatre, and if he did, it was WAY cool. "Have a look. Willard's parts are there."

[tomorrowneverknows]

"Unless you've been wiping your butt on it, buddy, never underestimate what your fans will do. Look at all the fanmail you got. Mikey told me it was piling into the office for days. They love you. Which is good, because they'll love you even when you don't love yourself so much. They're like extended family, just kind of crazy and you would never want to invite them to Thanksgiving dinner." Billy flicked through the script, finding the parts Justin was referring to. He wasn't familiar with the stage production of Footloose because he hadn't been in New York when it was last produced. He knew the film, and he knew the recordings of Justin's rehearsals. There would be a whole lot of winging, but it was only to help Justin through the bit he was nervous about. Plus, it might be something Ajay would find cool seeing after the tough couple of weeks he'd had.

He nodded. "A little. I haven't had much luck, but I was really involved with our local theatre company back home during high school, and topped my drama class. Out here, though, it's a tough gig. You have to be really excellent - like you, kiddo - to make it anywhere. I haven't been at work, J. Your mom gave me a bit of a vacation when she took some time off with you. And um, no... not my boyfriend. I wish," he joked, giving Justin a smile. He had no idea what the other morning had been when Ajay wanted him to stay spooning him. Nothing had been said about it and he didn't even know if Ajay remembered it. Billy had to try to turn these feelings he was having off because it wasn't fair for Ajay. "He has a mental illness, but it's not bipolar. He has an eating disorder. Bulimia... and he's been having a tough time. He got mugged and shot in the leg, so he's staying with me while he recuperates. He's very sweet..."

[likefatherlikeson]

"Come, please? You might have fun if you like acting. You can talk to Caden, he's great. Maybe he can help you find a part? I mean, unless you want to do that? I know you work with Mom and maybe that's what you prefer. It's really cool, though. The whole theatre thing and getting paid for it. If you love it, you shouldn't give up on it," Justin insisted. "That was a hard lesson I had to learn."

He frowned a little as he listened. "Bulimia? He makes himself throw up?" he asked. He didn't know anything about eating disorders beyond the basics you learned in sex ed in school, but he could tell Billy really cared about this guy. Especially the joke about him wishing he was his boyfriend. A little closer inspection, Justin had to wonder if Billy liked the guy more than a friend and that it wasn't a joke, but he didn't want to be rude asking him that outright. "If you want him to come watch, that's okay. Caden won't mind. Will comes and watches sometimes when he's not in school. You should bring him along if he's feeling okay. Will he be okay? The seats aren't all that comfortable, but we can get him a cushion if it helps his leg. He's... is he okay after being shot? I think I'd be mental if that happened to me. At least, more mental than I normally am."

[tomorrowneverknows]

Billy just laughed and shook his head. "You're a sweetheart, kiddo, but I'm really not good enough for Broadway. That's why I work for your mom. I realised when I got to New York how competitive the acting business was. I don't have the X-Factor mojo like you do to be able to pull it off. But it's okay, because I love my job. It's not something I ever thought I could do, but that was the beauty of it. You are where you are because you're made for it, J. We're all going to be there cheering you on at opening night. I can't wait for it. I love watching theatre as much as I love taking part in it. I rock being an audience."

"That's part of it," he confirmed with a small nod. "He does a lot of other things too. It's a complicated condition, just like yours is. He might be okay, though I'd have to check with him. He's been very tired and weak, but I think he'd enjoy it. I think he has been feeling a little mental, buddy. It's hard to really say, he's been very quiet. Sometimes he feels like talking but others he just keeps everything inside. You give me hope, though, that he might be able to work on getting a little better."

[likefatherlikeson]

Justin's tongue was resting between his lips in thought. "Come and see what it's like. Like you said, you'll help me out and you can meet Caden. Casper too. Casper's cool. They're dating, which probably seems like it shouldn't work, but it just does. Caden smiles different when Casper's around. I want to meet your friend too, but only if he feels up to it. It's not any good if you're poorly and try to do too much too soon. Do you know if he likes musical theatre? At the very least, you know acting. Maybe you can help me runs lines and things when we get right back into it all?"

He studied Billy closer for a moment or two. "You like him, don't you? Like like him. You seem to really care about him, and trust me, I know all about that. When people still want to help you when you're busy losing your shit and not knowing how to get better. You know what I realised? I can't get better alone. I just can't. I wish I could, but it doesn't work like that because when I'm sick, I can't think properly. My brain is broken like that, so I need people to keep helping me until the drowning feeling stops. That's what it feels like. Like I'm drowning and can't remember how to breathe. Then it just gets worse and I don't want to keep doing it, I want to shut it all off. So, you're doing a real good thing. You might not think it, but you are. He needs you. He needs people. He can't get better without them because these things in our head, it's our biggest enemy and we need, like, a whole army of people to help us fight it."