"Sometimes everything is wrong."

[bornforbroadway]

Who: Scott Morgan and Miles Morrison
What: Shocked
Where: Critical Care Unit, Mount Sinai
When: Wednesday night

In the whole time Scott had his lead Broadway role, he hadn't take leave once. It wasn't because he was a workaholic, it was simply because he hadn't needed it. Things had been relatively smooth, all things considered. They had weathered the dark times, and made it through. Even Harley, who had been seriously sick on and off since childhood, had been having a stretch of his illnesses being on the down-low.

That was why Scott was sitting here by Liam's hospital bed, shocked and numb. The phone call had come through from Miles while Scott had been performing, but he got the message after the curtain call. He hadn't dealt well. It came as such an emotional blow, that he was physically sick, barely making it to the staff bathroom backstage before he was violently ill. Then he got angry. It wasn't a fair response at all, but he had always been the sort to internalise shit. He was the cool, calm and collected sibling of the bunch. Laidback, water off a duck's back and all that. But he was so angry at Liam... for all of five minutes, give or take.

Then he got his shit together and came to the hospital. And it wasn't looking good. This wasn't like last time. Liam wasn't living with Scott, and he hadn't been there to intercept. They knew Liam had been off-kilter, but they had all assumed it was Damien coming back and then his decision to split with Miles. Then Miles started dating again. Though, no one could really know what it was that pushed Liam over the edge. That was always the hardest part about suicide. You couldn't walk in their shoes.

He had lost track how long he had been sitting here just looking at Liam in the bed. All the tubes, all the wires, goddamnit. They should never have been back here. They couldn't even give good prognosis. Truth was, this time, he might have succeeded. Scott was going through a weird premature grief process. He had been sitting there alone, crying for however long. He was only just managing to pull himself together, but it still ached inside. Like it would never stop. This was his baby brother. He should never have felt pain like this.

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[keytomylife]

Liam was Miles' last patient of the night. It could have been argued there was a conflict of interest there, but the boss of the entire Critical Care Unit, that encompassed the different levels of intensive care units, knew he was the utmost professional with his job. Miles was a Nurse Practitioner, and therefore a Team Leader when he worked. He had a patient caseload himself, but he was also in charge of the other nurses on shift. He loved his job; but he hated it when he had to care for someone he knew and loved. This time, it was a whole step further beyond that. Everyone knew what happened to Liam in the past, and they knew he had PTSD and a whole bevy of psychological complexities as a result of it. They knew about his depression. But no matter how much you knew, you never expected this.

Miles came in to check Liam's obs and administer the latest doses of medications he was due. Beyond the tubes and wires that Miles saw attached to people every day, it was hard to look at Liam how he was right now. His face around his neck and jaw were bruised from the multiple resus interventions he had endured. CPR, intubation, gastric lavage... there was a lot of pulling and manipulating his head and neck to achieve these. His chest was also bruised up from the CPR, and his arms from all the injections and IV lines. It wasn't nice to see. It was hard to see Scott there in tears too. Miles came in quietly and gave Scott's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "How are you holding up?" he asked.

[bornforbroadway]

Scott was a little startled at the touch because he was away in his own world. Normally, he would be frustrated if someone caught him at the tail end of a cry, but it was Miles. It was okay. Miles saw this shit all the time, but it wasn't okay that Liam had to be here. "Be fucking honest with me, mate. Please? Is there anything I could have done to stop this? Should I have called him? Should I have been riding his arse about getting to the doctor? Should I have been monitoring his meds? Should I have told him to come back to live with me? I mean, fuck, I offered. I did. I would've been perfectly happy having him back, but he didn't want it. He said he needed to just deal with being alone. He had to have said that to me about six times."

He didn't mean to be doing this. Driving himself nuts with all the things that might have changed this. Or to heap it onto Miles. Hell, he wasn't with Liam anymore and it was Liam who pulled the plug. "How was he when you got to him?" he added, because he needed to know. It was driving him crazy. He knew the basic medical facts. Christian had filled him in, told him what Liam had done and what the intervention had been. It was so fucking hard not knowing where Liam's head was at. That was the worst part of it all.

[keytomylife]

"Maybe," Miles told Scott honestly. He adored Scott. Scott had always been an honest and open guy, and had accepted Miles as Liam's partner. He took the seat beside him now Liam's vitals were check and logged in his chart. "But none of us are mind readers. None of us could have gotten inside his head to know how he was. That's the hardest part of mental illness for loved ones. We are never going to know what they experience. Liam was... he's been depressed. I think it was starting before Damien came back, and then it just spiralled. He probably needed to up his meds and therapy. I think he knew that, and he did have the appointment. But he's told me before that his depression past, he shuts down and just sleeps. He slept through. I think the only way anyone could have done something at that time was having been staying there with him. He didn't want that either. I asked him if he could go stay with you, or Nat, or anyone. He said he couldn't go running back to all you every time life shook him. I don't think riding his arse would have done anything. He still needed to get the help himself."

He sighed and scratched the back of his head. "He was bad. Unconscious. Choking on his own vomit. Which might be a good thing if he was vomiting to get it out of his system, but could be a bad thing if he was without oxygen for some time. He was pale and sweating from all the booze he had taken. They had to shock him a couple of times, but just from how far they got him already, he's resilient. He's not ready to die, or he wouldn't have called me. I think... I just think he needs to sort things with Damien. That's his key to finding peace."

[bornforbroadway]

Scott looked at Miles helplessly, trying to process what he was saying. "Is this the sex thing again? Because he didn't want to do it with you, and doesn't want to do it with Damien? I know it's a thing for him. It has been ever since he was raped. I've tried to talk to him about it on and off since it all happened, but just when I think I might be making some leeway, he clams up. Doesn't want to keep talking about it, so I never push. That's always just been how it's been with us. I think he knows I'm there, but I've never wanted to push him on anything because of his trauma. That's where I feel like I've fucked up. Failed as a big brother. He shouldn't be living alone. If he... i-if gets through, I'll tell him to come live with me. He was good with you, you know? He always seemed content. Now, this."

He shook his head. "Fuck, I don't know how to take Damien. Used to think he was a good sort. Good for Li, you know? Then all this shit happened and Liam was hurt. I can't just stand back and respect a guy who hurt my baby brother. What does he want with him coming back and fucking with his mind? Did that push him over the edge? I mean, it's a pretty big fucking coincidence, don't you think? What if he waltzes back in, and then waltzes right back out again like he did before?"

[keytomylife]

Miles had a war waging inside him. It was taking every ounce of strength to outwardly hold himself together. This was hard for him. It was hard because he had lost his own dad to mental health-related suicide. It wasn't something he talked to many people about, so it was sitting in a tight ball in his chest that felt like led. He didn't reply straight away. He needed a few more moment to work on grappling with his composure. He cleared his throat and shifted in the seat. "I can't make assumptions about where Liam's mind was on the sex issues. But I know genophobia is a very real and debilitating mental health condition that needs to be addressed psychologically. But I, um... I can't comment on his intimate relationship with Damien. T-That's just... I'm sorry. I have to draw the line there. He and I never had intercourse. That's all I can confirm. I think talking to him about not living alone is a good idea." If he pulls through, he added silently to himself.

"That's understandable. I didn't really know either, but he came to the hospital and I spoke with him briefly. Beyond that, I'm not sure what his intentions are. You're his big brother, being protective of him and not wanting him hurt is natural." He looked at Liam, but it was impossible to get answers from his unconscious form. No one knew what had been in his mind. "No coincidence. It would have compounded at least. It was an unexpected turn of events for Liam. I don't know if he knew how to process it. I'd like to think if he had any intentions of waltzing out again, he would spare Liam the pain of trying to reconnect with him now and just steer clear. But he hasn't. Maybe that's a good sign."